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- 1
- 00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:09,676
- <i>Ladies and gentlemen...</i>
- 2
- 00:00:10,301 --> 00:00:13,388
- <i>Whitney Cummings!</i>
- 3
- 00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:32,906
- This is awesome.
- 4
- 00:00:32,949 --> 00:00:35,910
- I am shooting my fourth stand-up special
- this evening
- 5
- 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:40,040
- in my hometown, Washington DC.
- 6
- 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:42,083
- Thank you.
- 7
- 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,919
- Thank you so much.
- 8
- 00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:48,339
- A lot's happened
- since I made a stand-up special.
- 9
- 00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,091
- A lot's gone on in the past year.
- 10
- 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:51,295
- I don't know if you noticed,
- 11
- 00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:54,471
- but people started caring
- about sexual harassment all of a sudden.
- 12
- 00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:57,015
- That came out of fucking nowhere.
- 13
- 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:02,187
- I feel like the sexual harassment news
- has finally been going on long enough
- 14
- 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,147
- to where my guy friends feel comfortable
- 15
- 00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:07,192
- complaining about
- how hard it's been for them.
- 16
- 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:09,527
- Anyone have any guy friends
- 17
- 00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:13,239
- who are acting like they have no idea
- how to behave at the office?
- 18
- 00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:15,575
- All of a sudden, my guy friends say,
- 19
- 00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:18,578
- "What, so I can't even hug a woman
- at work anymore?"
- 20
- 00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:20,914
- You never could.
- 21
- 00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:23,750
- It's why we're in this mess.
- 22
- 00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:26,961
- No one wants to bump nipples with you
- at 9 a.m...
- 23
- 00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:29,714
- by the Keurig machine.
- 24
- 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:30,882
- It's weird.
- 25
- 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,927
- But as I say that,
- I want you guys to know, I get it.
- 26
- 00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:36,513
- Of course you want to touch women.
- They're so freaking cute.
- 27
- 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,640
- They're impossible to resist.
- 28
- 00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:40,308
- I relate to your frustration,
- 29
- 00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:44,646
- because sometimes I will see
- a service dog at the airport.
- 30
- 00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:50,443
- And it's wearing a little vest.
- 31
- 00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:54,155
- It says, "Dog working, do not pet."
- 32
- 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,242
- Now I'm in a pickle.
- 33
- 00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:59,369
- Because I'm going to pet that fucking dog.
- 34
- 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:02,205
- This is going down the easy way
- or the hard way.
- 35
- 00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:05,625
- I mean, it's a dog. It obviously wants it.
- 36
- 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,800
- I get your logic.
- 37
- 00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:17,971
- And it is asking for it
- with that adorable little butt.
- 38
- 00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:19,347
- I can see its butthole.
- 39
- 00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:22,684
- If that's not asking for it,
- I don't know what is.
- 40
- 00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:25,645
- But I don't. I never pet a service dog.
- 41
- 00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:28,808
- It's that vest. You're like, "Oh, God,
- that dog's in the middle of something."
- 42
- 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:29,941
- You respect that vest.
- 43
- 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:32,024
- I think that's what we need to start doing
- at work.
- 44
- 00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:33,988
- Women need to start wearing
- little vests to work.
- 45
- 00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:35,989
- "Lady working.
- 46
- 00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:38,158
- Do not hug.
- 47
- 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,243
- Shit to do."
- 48
- 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:44,956
- I feel like we were all getting
- a little sloppy at the office.
- 49
- 00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:46,199
- I used to work with this guy.
- 50
- 00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:50,712
- Every day, he'd run past me, he'd put
- his hands in between my butt cheeks,
- 51
- 00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:53,339
- like this,
- and he'd yell to the whole office.
- 52
- 00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:56,801
- He'd go, "I'm swiping a credit card,
- I'm swiping a credit card."
- 53
- 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:58,970
- I thought it was hilarious.
- 54
- 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:02,557
- I'd be like, "You're declined.
- You're declined.
- 55
- 00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:08,271
- Your card did not go through.
- No, it didn't."
- 56
- 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,607
- That's on me. That is on me.
- 57
- 00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:12,567
- Um, that's my bad.
- 58
- 00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:14,194
- I'm not proud of that.
- 59
- 00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:18,156
- But now credit card machines,
- they have a chip reader now.
- 60
- 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:26,831
- So you'd have to do that,
- and that is not okay. That is wrong.
- 61
- 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,249
- That's wrong.
- 62
- 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,586
- I have a couple of guy friends
- who are trying so hard
- 63
- 00:03:31,669 --> 00:03:33,004
- to not be creepy at work
- 64
- 00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:35,965
- that they're doing way creepier shit
- by accident.
- 65
- 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:39,093
- One of my guy friends
- tried to compliment a woman he works with
- 66
- 00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:40,887
- and he called her "wife material."
- 67
- 00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:43,139
- He got in trouble and had no idea why.
- 68
- 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,350
- He said, "What do you mean?
- That's not even sexual."
- 69
- 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,936
- Calling a woman "wife material,"
- that's like saying,
- 70
- 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:50,355
- "I could fuck you forever.
- 71
- 00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:55,610
- So I'm going to make you sign a contract,
- so that, if you want to get away from me,
- 72
- 00:03:55,693 --> 00:03:57,820
- you have to hire a lawyer."
- 73
- 00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,504
- Just think it through. Think it through.
- 74
- 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:05,954
- People really want to challenge me
- about all these women coming forward.
- 75
- 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,037
- Someone came up to me
- 76
- 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,800
- and was like, "Well, how do these women
- even remember what happened?"
- 77
- 00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:13,795
- Like, "Oh, because we're known
- for our amazing ability to forget shit.
- 78
- 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:20,426
- Uh, we're known for just letting things go
- after a while. It's our thing."
- 79
- 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:25,640
- Maybe some people don't understand
- that when you get harassed at a young age,
- 80
- 00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:28,101
- you might not even put together
- that that's what's occurring
- 81
- 00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:29,824
- until later in life when you're an adult.
- 82
- 00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:31,092
- That was one of my experiences.
- 83
- 00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:35,191
- When I was 19 years old, I got a job
- as an extra in a television show.
- 84
- 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,987
- The first day I was there, the director,
- who was at least 65 years old,
- 85
- 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:41,155
- invited me into his trailer for lunch.
- 86
- 00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,509
- So I go into his trailer.
- And I know what you're thinking.
- 87
- 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,118
- "Why did you go into his trailer?"
- 88
- 00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:47,620
- Because I was an idiot.
- 89
- 00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:49,455
- I was 19 years old.
- 90
- 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,083
- No one had told me trailers were bad.
- 91
- 00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:53,918
- There was a lot of shit I didn't know.
- 92
- 00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:57,338
- I also thought clear bra straps
- were clear.
- 93
- 00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:58,589
- Um...
- 94
- 00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:03,011
- I also thought that lady
- living with my aunt was her "roommate."
- 95
- 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:08,016
- I also thought
- guys could be "allergic to latex."
- 96
- 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:10,101
- There was a lot of shit...
- 97
- 00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:14,355
- ...I hadn't figured out yet.
- 98
- 00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:17,150
- Don't blame me.
- 99
- 00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:19,152
- So of course I go into his trailer.
- 100
- 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,216
- Out of nowhere, he just lunges at me.
- 101
- 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,258
- I didn't understand what was happening
- because he was so much older than me.
- 102
- 00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:26,701
- I thought he fell.
- I was like, "Are you okay? Oh, my God.
- 103
- 00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:29,203
- Are you passing away? What's happening?"
- 104
- 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,081
- No idea what to do with that story.
- 105
- 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,417
- I don't remember the guy's name,
- but the good news is
- 106
- 00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:37,128
- I did accidentally stumble
- upon a great way
- 107
- 00:05:37,211 --> 00:05:39,964
- to deal with harassment at work
- from a creepy guy.
- 108
- 00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:43,134
- Just pretend you think
- he's having a medical emergency.
- 109
- 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,405
- Next time a guy's like,
- "Hey, sweetie, want to get a drink later?"
- 110
- 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:48,765
- just go,
- "Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!
- 111
- 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:51,392
- Gary thinks he's in my league!
- 112
- 00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:58,107
- I don't know if it's, like, dementia
- or maybe it's a stroke.
- 113
- 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:02,111
- Gary thinks I would fuck him.
- We've got to call an ambulance!
- 114
- 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,195
- This is bad."
- 115
- 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:06,824
- Don't get angry.
- Just get <i>very</i> compassionate.
- 116
- 00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:09,660
- That's my new approach.
- 117
- 00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:11,621
- I don't even get angry
- at cat-callers anymore.
- 118
- 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:14,874
- My new thing with cat-callers
- is just do what they ask.
- 119
- 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:18,586
- Because then they'll realize
- it's not at all what they want.
- 120
- 00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:21,756
- Next time a guy's like,
- "Hey, baby, smile," just be like...
- 121
- 00:06:30,014 --> 00:06:32,600
- People really want to argue with me
- about this stuff.
- 122
- 00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:33,684
- I had a guy come at me
- 123
- 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:37,230
- and he was like, "You know,
- what if women start taking advantage?"
- 124
- 00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:38,855
- We got it.
- 125
- 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,609
- We'll handle it when that happens.
- 126
- 00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:44,821
- I love that you guys think
- that we have no idea
- 127
- 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,281
- that some women are batshit crazy.
- 128
- 00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:48,866
- We know.
- 129
- 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,078
- Okay? We know way more shit
- than you know.
- 130
- 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:56,499
- We see the text messages
- she didn't send to you.
- 131
- 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:01,838
- We know.
- 132
- 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:07,677
- We see the ones that are too crazy
- to even get to your phone...
- 133
- 00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,823
- because we're the ones
- that put a stop to that shit.
- 134
- 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:14,142
- We're the ones like, "No, you're not going
- to kidnap his mom. Delete it, delete it.
- 135
- 00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:17,186
- Give me the phone. Give it to me.
- Put the phone down.
- 136
- 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,939
- That's too many bubbles.
- He hasn't responded in five days.
- 137
- 00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:21,022
- Give me the phone.
- 138
- 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,524
- You're not sending that.
- 139
- 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:25,403
- You're not going to send an Adele song
- with six eggplant emojis.
- 140
- 00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:27,780
- Give it to me. Log out now."
- 141
- 00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:31,451
- We know.
- 142
- 00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,536
- You guys just don't know that we know
- 143
- 00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:36,259
- because we're in this climate
- where everyone's walking on eggshells
- 144
- 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,749
- and no one's allowed to say
- anything negative about a woman
- 145
- 00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,960
- or people freak out. That's not healthy.
- 146
- 00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:43,796
- We have to get back to a place
- where we can call out women
- 147
- 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,299
- if they're acting like silly gooses.
- 148
- 00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:49,469
- And there are some silly gooses out there.
- 149
- 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:52,180
- Does anyone have any girl friends
- that think they're "feminists,"
- 150
- 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:55,099
- but they're actually just "assholes"?
- 151
- 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,811
- Someone's got to say it.
- 152
- 00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:02,899
- But I also think we have to be patient
- with women right now.
- 153
- 00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:05,109
- You've got to understand,
- this came out of nowhere.
- 154
- 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,820
- For thousands of years,
- nobody cared about our feelings,
- 155
- 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:09,572
- nobody cared about our opinions.
- 156
- 00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:12,575
- Then a year ago, everyone was like,
- "What do you think?" It was like...
- 157
- 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,494
- "What the fuck?
- 158
- 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,038
- I'm sorry,
- can you just give us one second?
- 159
- 00:08:17,121 --> 00:08:18,921
- We were not at all prepared
- for that question.
- 160
- 00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:21,334
- It's just no one has ever
- asked us that before.
- 161
- 00:08:21,417 --> 00:08:22,617
- Can you just give us a minute?
- 162
- 00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,420
- We were just taking a selfie
- with dog ears.
- 163
- 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,214
- Just give us one second.
- 164
- 00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:28,883
- We're going to regroup
- and come right back to you with an answer.
- 165
- 00:08:28,966 --> 00:08:30,218
- Bitches, huddle up right now.
- 166
- 00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:33,638
- Um, they give a shit about us
- all of a sudden
- 167
- 00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:36,766
- and we have absolutely no practice
- being listened to,
- 168
- 00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:40,019
- so we need to level the fuck up right now.
- 169
- 00:08:40,102 --> 00:08:41,854
- Some things need to change around here.
- 170
- 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:45,233
- First of all,
- the 'rosé all day' shirts have to go.
- 171
- 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:52,573
- Just for a couple of years
- till we get out of the woods on this.
- 172
- 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:56,160
- 'Namastay in bed, '
- it's not a sophisticated argument.
- 173
- 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,496
- No more sassy shirts for a while.
- 174
- 00:08:58,579 --> 00:09:00,122
- You stop saying, 'totes.'
- 175
- 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,500
- You're 40. Um...
- 176
- 00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:07,255
- We might have to stop calling each other
- hookers and whores for a while."
- 177
- 00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,674
- - Does anyone have that girl friend?
- - "Hey, hooker."
- 178
- 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,237
- I actually think we need to steal from
- what guys do with their nicknames,
- 179
- 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,097
- because guys build each other up
- with their nicknames, right?
- 180
- 00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:17,181
- "What up, <i>champ?"</i>
- 181
- 00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:19,183
- "What up, <i>chief?"</i>
- 182
- 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,060
- "What up, <i>boss?"</i>
- 183
- 00:09:21,143 --> 00:09:24,981
- Guys give each other <i>promotions</i>
- in their nicknames.
- 184
- 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:29,610
- I make television shows. I have an intern.
- He's 20 years old.
- 185
- 00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:32,196
- People walk in, they're like,
- "What up, boss?" I'm like, "What?
- 186
- 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,489
- No, <i>I'm</i> your boss.
- 187
- 00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:36,325
- I'm your boss. That's nobody's boss.
- 188
- 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:40,204
- That's my friend's nephew
- who was too stupid to get a job,
- 189
- 00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:42,582
- so I had to give him an internship...
- 190
- 00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:45,918
- because he got a two on his SATs...
- 191
- 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,461
- ...so that's nobody's boss.
- 192
- 00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:49,045
- Okay?
- 193
- 00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:51,882
- Best case scenario, he will be a hooker.
- 194
- 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:54,594
- So let's just get this... I'm your boss."
- 195
- 00:09:57,054 --> 00:09:59,056
- I don't like any nicknames
- my girl friends give me.
- 196
- 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,392
- They'll be like,
- "Hey, honey. Hey, cupcake."
- 197
- 00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:04,371
- I'm like, "What are you doing? You don't
- like it when <i>guys</i> call you that."
- 198
- 00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:07,898
- Let's just all stop calling women desserts
- for a while.
- 199
- 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,483
- If you must call a woman a dessert,
- 200
- 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,444
- at least pick a cool dessert, you know.
- 201
- 00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:12,527
- Like bear claw.
- 202
- 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,572
- "What up, bear claw?" That's fine.
- 203
- 00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:17,450
- Mousse. "Mousse!"
- 204
- 00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:20,607
- "Alright, get back in the huddle.
- There's more shit to do.
- 205
- 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,081
- Okay, I think, for a while,
- we need to stop yelling at guys
- 206
- 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:26,125
- when they drive by in a sports car."
- 207
- 00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:27,568
- Does anyone have that girl friend?
- 208
- 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:31,255
- When a guy drives by in a sports car,
- they go, "Sorry about your dick."
- 209
- 00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,467
- How is that helping?
- 210
- 00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:37,178
- You're making us look like hypocrites,
- right?
- 211
- 00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:39,347
- Because, if the roles were reversed
- in that scenario,
- 212
- 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:42,183
- it would be so messed up, right?
- If a woman drove by in a sports car
- 213
- 00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:45,811
- and a guy was like,
- "Sorry about your giant pussy!"
- 214
- 00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:47,605
- Not a good look.
- 215
- 00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:50,483
- "What else? We've got to watch
- what we prioritize on social media.
- 216
- 00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:53,903
- We've got to watch the causes
- we prioritize on social media.
- 217
- 00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,905
- Free The Nipple?
- Not this month. Next month."
- 218
- 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:59,009
- Unless you're breastfeeding, in which case
- you can do whatever the hell you want
- 219
- 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,713
- with your nipple as far as I am concerned.
- 220
- 00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:04,914
- If your nipple has proven
- to be of use to society,
- 221
- 00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:05,997
- you may free it.
- 222
- 00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:09,335
- But I think we can all agree,
- a breastfeeding nipple is not free.
- 223
- 00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,878
- That nipple is working.
- 224
- 00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:13,547
- We need to get it a little vest.
- 225
- 00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,257
- Like a little, tiny...
- 226
- 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,217
- Like a...
- 227
- 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,554
- Like a baby vest.
- 228
- 00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,685
- I think the biggest thing
- I want to work on with my girl friends
- 229
- 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:29,105
- is telling the difference
- between empowerment and entitlement.
- 230
- 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,440
- It's a fine line.
- Very easy to confuse those two.
- 231
- 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,193
- Like I have this one girl friend,
- she thinks she's very empowered,
- 232
- 00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:37,530
- but she's actually just entitled and
- it comes out in the way that she complains
- 233
- 00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:39,740
- that no man is good enough for her,
- 234
- 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:43,786
- even though all she does is talk
- about astrology and go to music festivals.
- 235
- 00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,872
- She has no concept of what she deserves.
- 236
- 00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:49,583
- Like, she will go to a music festival
- for five days
- 237
- 00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:52,128
- and do drugs the entire time,
- and then she'll come back
- 238
- 00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,931
- and she'll be like, "I told you,
- there's just no good men out there."
- 239
- 00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:58,551
- No, there are good men out there.
- 240
- 00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,886
- They're just at home
- with their good women.
- 241
- 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,889
- You're never going to meet them,
- because they're not at Burning Man
- 242
- 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,685
- watching you puke on your slutty
- Native American Indian costume.
- 243
- 00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:16,402
- We get in fights
- because she generalizes a lot
- 244
- 00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:18,195
- about, like, <i>all</i> men and <i>all</i> women.
- 245
- 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:19,999
- I know it's weird
- that I'm criticizing that,
- 246
- 00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:23,951
- because generalizing about men
- and women did pay for my house, but...
- 247
- 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:25,828
- I'm evolving
- 248
- 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:28,456
- and I now find that
- really frustrating to engage with.
- 249
- 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,916
- I had a guy come at me on social media.
- 250
- 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,127
- He said,
- "Well, all women are just liars."
- 251
- 00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:36,130
- All women? Okay,
- let's say some of these women are liars.
- 252
- 00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:37,413
- Just for a thought experiment.
- 253
- 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,925
- You have to admit the reaction
- of men lying
- 254
- 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,929
- and women lying in our culture
- is very different.
- 255
- 00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,888
- You've seen the movie <i>Catch Me If You Can.</i>
- 256
- 00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:46,640
- Great movie. It's about a con artist.
- He pretends to be a doctor,
- 257
- 00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:47,975
- pretends to be a pilot.
- 258
- 00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:50,060
- So if you're a woman and you lie,
- you're a monster.
- 259
- 00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:51,645
- If you're a man and you lie,
- 260
- 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:56,442
- you get a movie made about you
- starring Leonardo DiCaprio.
- 261
- 00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,569
- What do we get? We got fucking <i>I, Tonya.</i>
- 262
- 00:12:58,652 --> 00:12:59,695
- That's what we got.
- 263
- 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:06,202
- You have to be in a leotard
- for anyone to give a shit.
- 264
- 00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:08,996
- I also did research
- on the guy that movie is based on.
- 265
- 00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:10,456
- He now works at the FBI.
- 266
- 00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:14,293
- They pay him millions of dollars
- to consult on other con artists.
- 267
- 00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:17,421
- So if you're a man and you lie,
- that's like a hireable skill.
- 268
- 00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:19,507
- People don't like when women lie.
- 269
- 00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,550
- They get very uncomfortable
- when women lie.
- 270
- 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,220
- That's my theory
- about why there's no female magicians.
- 271
- 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,890
- Never thought about that shit before?
- 272
- 00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:33,103
- Because when men lie,
- we're like, "Whoa, magic!"
- 273
- 00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:36,398
- If there was a female magician,
- after every trick,
- 274
- 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,802
- everyone in the audience would be like,
- "I fucking knew it.
- 275
- 00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,947
- What did I tell you? I told you,
- you cannot trust these bitches.
- 276
- 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,325
- Sneaky bitches."
- 277
- 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,095
- The other generalization I keep hearing
- 278
- 00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:51,205
- is, "Well, all these women
- are just gold-diggers."
- 279
- 00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:53,707
- Like, okay, fine.
- 280
- 00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:56,144
- Let's say... Let's say some of these women
- are gold-diggers.
- 281
- 00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:57,419
- You guys have to admit
- 282
- 00:13:57,503 --> 00:14:01,131
- that you guys were afraid of gold-diggers
- way before this even happened.
- 283
- 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,510
- It's hard for us to hear you guys
- complain about gold-diggers.
- 284
- 00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,513
- Because when you guys
- complain about gold-diggers
- 285
- 00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:09,056
- to us, it kind of just sounds
- like you're bragging.
- 286
- 00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:11,868
- We're like, "Alright, well,
- a lot of the reason you have all that gold
- 287
- 00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:13,852
- is because you have the advantage
- of being a guy."
- 288
- 00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:15,729
- Especially in the goods
- and services industry,
- 289
- 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,373
- a lot of the reason you have that money
- 290
- 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,598
- is because we buy a bunch of shit
- we don't fucking need.
- 291
- 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,278
- So if I'm dating the head of Sephora
- 292
- 00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:24,905
- and I gold-dig him,
- I'm not using him for <i>his</i> money.
- 293
- 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:27,324
- I'm using him for my money.
- That is my money.
- 294
- 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:31,370
- I'm just trying to get
- that shit back. Um...
- 295
- 00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:33,873
- "I feel like you gold-digged me first.
- 296
- 00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,209
- Bronzer should not be $90."
- 297
- 00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,714
- When guys complain about gold-diggers,
- it's tricky,
- 298
- 00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:44,008
- because, to us,
- the solution is so obvious.
- 299
- 00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:46,635
- If you're worried about gold-diggers,
- I have an idea.
- 300
- 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,972
- How about just date women
- with their own fucking gold?
- 301
- 00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:52,474
- I don't know,
- maybe stop dating 18-year-olds
- 302
- 00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:55,603
- that need a Kickstarter campaign
- just to eat dinner.
- 303
- 00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,188
- Maybe just date adults with jobs.
- 304
- 00:14:58,272 --> 00:15:00,399
- I don't know.
- 305
- 00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:01,483
- I don't know.
- 306
- 00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:04,028
- No, no, no.
- 307
- 00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:08,198
- Also, it's very ironic to me
- when guys complain about gold-diggers,
- 308
- 00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:11,160
- because you know
- you were the original gold-diggers, right?
- 309
- 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,871
- You know your great-great-grandfathers
- got a bunch of shovels
- 310
- 00:15:13,954 --> 00:15:16,373
- and started digging up actual gold...
- 311
- 00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,959
- before women were allowed
- to leave the house.
- 312
- 00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,503
- I would love to dig for gold
- the old-fashioned way
- 313
- 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:24,924
- and get, like, a pickax
- and, like, a salad strainer
- 314
- 00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:26,300
- and go get my own gold,
- 315
- 00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:29,970
- but you guys took it all
- and you refused to share, so...
- 316
- 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:32,932
- now we're going to have to do this
- the hard way...
- 317
- 00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:36,268
- and be in a bad relationship for two years
- 318
- 00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:38,646
- and hope that you cheat on me.
- 319
- 00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:44,568
- And I feel like I can say that,
- because I have had a guy use me
- 320
- 00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,028
- for my gold before
- 321
- 00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:48,131
- and I've noticed,
- when you hear the word "gold-digger,"
- 322
- 00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:49,435
- you think of a woman right away.
- 323
- 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:52,177
- Men use women for their money, too.
- They're not called "gold-diggers."
- 324
- 00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:55,120
- They're called, like, "backup dancers."
- They have, like, a...
- 325
- 00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,207
- They have, like, a jaunty name.
- 326
- 00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:03,141
- It's hard to talk about this stuff
- without sounding self-righteous.
- 327
- 00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,087
- That's my nightmare.
- 328
- 00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,298
- I'm trying to not sound self-righteous
- about all this,
- 329
- 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:09,468
- because it's my pet peeve when people
- are self-righteous in conversations.
- 330
- 00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,763
- And I try to remember though
- that when someone's self-righteous,
- 331
- 00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:15,891
- it usually just means
- they care so much about something
- 332
- 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,309
- that they become an asshole.
- 333
- 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,229
- Right? I do it. I'm guilty. I am guilty.
- 334
- 00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:23,232
- I am very into animal advocacy. And...
- 335
- 00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:25,543
- Oh, thank you. Oh, that's very nice.
- 336
- 00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:27,987
- I don't have kids.
- What else am I going to do?
- 337
- 00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:33,075
- There are times when I am so passionate
- about protecting an innocent animal
- 338
- 00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:35,202
- that I will be a jerk to a human.
- 339
- 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,788
- It happens... kind of a lot.
- 340
- 00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:38,871
- And...
- 341
- 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,501
- recently, I saw a stray dog
- at this huge intersection in Los Angeles
- 342
- 00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:43,585
- and nobody was stopping.
- 343
- 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,630
- Nobody was stopping,
- so I pull over and I can see
- 344
- 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,650
- - that it's a little, tiny puppy.
- - Aww!
- 345
- 00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,175
- I know!
- 346
- 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,886
- And I could tell
- it was in really bad shape, okay?
- 347
- 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,055
- So I get out of my car
- and this guy yells at me.
- 348
- 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:58,142
- He's like, "You dumb bitch!"
- and I was like, "Fuck you!"
- 349
- 00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,353
- So I'm screaming at all these people.
- 350
- 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:03,480
- I finally get, like, 12 lanes to stop
- 351
- 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,024
- and I get closer to this puppy
- 352
- 00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,484
- and I get closer and closer
- to this little, tiny puppy
- 353
- 00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:09,403
- and I see that this little, tiny puppy
- 354
- 00:17:09,486 --> 00:17:11,196
- is a trash bag.
- 355
- 00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,466
- But I had already been such an asshole...
- 356
- 00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:34,845
- that there was really no turning back
- at this point, so I just had to...
- 357
- 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,641
- Just had to lean in.
- 358
- 00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:53,197
- And that's how I got tetanus.
- 359
- 00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:03,290
- I am realizing that the guy friends
- of mine that are the most self-righteous
- 360
- 00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:05,918
- I actually think might be the ones
- that have done nothing wrong.
- 361
- 00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:08,295
- They assume
- these women must be exaggerating,
- 362
- 00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:10,506
- because they themselves would never behave
- 363
- 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,466
- the way they're seeing
- in the news stories.
- 364
- 00:18:12,549 --> 00:18:14,629
- Like you would never pull your dick out
- at work, sir.
- 365
- 00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:15,968
- Of course not.
- 366
- 00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:18,972
- Of course not. It would be ridiculous.
- 367
- 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:22,726
- Woo!
- 368
- 00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:29,733
- It would be crazy for you to do that.
- That would be an insane thing to do.
- 369
- 00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:31,652
- But...
- 370
- 00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,113
- you have that one friend
- 371
- 00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:37,074
- you can totally see doing that shit.
- 372
- 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:38,951
- What's his name?
- 373
- 00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:40,971
- - Jeffrey.
- - Jeffrey.
- 374
- 00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:46,667
- Anyone that goes by Jeffrey
- instead of Jeff is a fucking asshole.
- 375
- 00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:51,880
- He likes to waste people's time
- with his full name.
- 376
- 00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:55,008
- Jeffrey.
- That's who we're talking about, right?
- 377
- 00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:58,637
- I try to remind my guy friends,
- we're not attacking <i>you.</i> We're just...
- 378
- 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,807
- You have to remember that the world
- is a little more dangerous for us
- 379
- 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:03,684
- because of the Jeffreys of the world.
- 380
- 00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:08,397
- Like, you know we have to take a class
- to learn how to go outside, right?
- 381
- 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,440
- Has anyone ever taken
- a self-defense class before?
- 382
- 00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:13,128
- Okay. Yeah. That's a lot. Wow, okay.
- 383
- 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,279
- Like, 25 women. The rest are dead. Okay.
- 384
- 00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:19,199
- I took a self-defense class in my 20s
- 385
- 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,619
- and I think we could maybe update
- the tactics a little bit.
- 386
- 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:26,957
- I remember, the tactics she told me,
- I physically can't even execute.
- 387
- 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,626
- She was like,
- "If your attacker gets you on the ground,
- 388
- 00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,086
- gouge his eyes out."
- 389
- 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,379
- What the fuck?
- 390
- 00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:35,883
- I can't even open a package from Amazon...
- 391
- 00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:38,468
- without getting a paper cut.
- 392
- 00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:42,181
- I can hardly get a straw in a Capri Sun,
- so...
- 393
- 00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:45,434
- I'm not sure this tactic is for me.
- 394
- 00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:47,561
- None of it was pragmatic.
- 395
- 00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:49,747
- She said to us,
- "Never get in an elevator with a man."
- 396
- 00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:51,440
- "Bitch, have you ever had a job?
- 397
- 00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:54,443
- Have you ever seen
- an office building before?
- 398
- 00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:56,945
- It's basically a bunch of elevators
- full of men."
- 399
- 00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:59,852
- If I didn't get in an elevator
- every time a man was in it,
- 400
- 00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:02,552
- I'd constantly look like I was trying
- to get into a double Dutch game.
- 401
- 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,164
- "It's fine. Just go.
- 402
- 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,751
- You go. Okay, I'll just quit.
- 403
- 00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:12,752
- No."
- 404
- 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:19,593
- We have to be able to get into elevators
- with men.
- 405
- 00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:20,719
- We have jobs now.
- 406
- 00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:23,865
- But I know that's a very sketchy thing
- to do and I know it could be dangerous,
- 407
- 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:26,225
- so now,
- when I get in an elevator with a man,
- 408
- 00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:29,186
- I just try to make myself as unattractive
- as possible.
- 409
- 00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:32,105
- So I just hit all the buttons...
- 410
- 00:20:32,856 --> 00:20:35,234
- so that we're instantly
- in a long-term relationship
- 411
- 00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,569
- and he's completely disgusted by me.
- 412
- 00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:40,989
- I'm like, "You want me, you've got me...
- 413
- 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:44,284
- for 36 more floors
- 414
- 00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:47,037
- and I want to talk about <i>The Bachelor."</i>
- 415
- 00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:54,253
- - Huh.
- - Woo!
- 416
- 00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:57,089
- I used to carry Mace.
- I don't carry Mace anymore,
- 417
- 00:20:57,172 --> 00:20:59,341
- because I find the packaging
- way too patronizing.
- 418
- 00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:02,346
- When you try to buy Mace as a woman,
- they sell you Mace in a pink bottle.
- 419
- 00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,137
- I'm trying to look scary.
- 420
- 00:21:04,888 --> 00:21:06,223
- I'm trying to look menacing.
- 421
- 00:21:06,306 --> 00:21:10,519
- Don't give me something that looks like
- a toy out of Dora the Explorer's backpack.
- 422
- 00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:13,230
- "Mm, Swiper, no swiping.
- 423
- 00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:17,109
- Mm, don't even think about it. Meh!"
- 424
- 00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:20,153
- Not really the vibe I'm going for.
- 425
- 00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:24,950
- A lot of my girl friends talk about
- how, when they walk to their car,
- 426
- 00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:27,202
- they put a key in between their fingers.
- 427
- 00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,955
- Yeah, but they don't even make
- metal car keys anymore.
- 428
- 00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:32,916
- The new car keys
- are those little plastic remotes,
- 429
- 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,320
- so that's a conspiracy.
- Think about that shit for a minute.
- 430
- 00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:40,132
- The one weapon we have
- has been taken from us.
- 431
- 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:43,844
- So now I've got to use my mailbox key...
- 432
- 00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:45,887
- like an asshole.
- 433
- 00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,598
- A little shitty Wolverine.
- 434
- 00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,894
- Could you come forward a fucking inch?
- 435
- 00:21:55,939 --> 00:21:57,774
- A little shitty Wolverine.
- 436
- 00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:02,195
- I'm just kind of tickling my attacker
- at this point.
- 437
- 00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:05,615
- Just kind of delicately caressing him.
- 438
- 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:10,162
- It's kind of bringing him to climax
- at this point.
- 439
- 00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:15,500
- You look like a villain in an '80s movie,
- just FYI.
- 440
- 00:22:19,129 --> 00:22:21,214
- It's no joke out there. It's no...
- 441
- 00:22:21,298 --> 00:22:24,092
- I have a girl friend,
- she carries a Taser with her.
- 442
- 00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:26,386
- But Google, "Taser for women."
- It's even more insulting.
- 443
- 00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:29,681
- They try to sell you a Taser
- that looks like a tube of lipstick.
- 444
- 00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:31,767
- It's disguised as a tube of lipstick.
- 445
- 00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,393
- You're supposed to fool your attacker.
- 446
- 00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:36,021
- The only person that's going to fool
- is fucking me.
- 447
- 00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:39,566
- I'm not falling for that racket.
- 448
- 00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:42,194
- I argue,
- the best weapon against an attacker,
- 449
- 00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:45,155
- not lipstick Taser, not Taser,
- just regular lipstick.
- 450
- 00:22:45,238 --> 00:22:46,878
- Red lipstick. Put it in your back pocket.
- 451
- 00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:48,825
- Any time a guy's hovering,
- creeping around,
- 452
- 00:22:48,909 --> 00:22:50,549
- just take it out and start putting it on.
- 453
- 00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:53,288
- Just be like...
- 454
- 00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:54,831
- "Is that what you want?
- 455
- 00:22:54,956 --> 00:22:57,709
- Ah-ahh!
- 456
- 00:23:01,838 --> 00:23:05,133
- You wanna fuck this clown?"
- 457
- 00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:17,145
- Sometimes you've just got to
- out-weird your attacker.
- 458
- 00:23:18,021 --> 00:23:19,940
- You've just got to make it
- not worth it to them.
- 459
- 00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:21,858
- You know, he's going to be like, "Uh...
- 460
- 00:23:23,443 --> 00:23:24,945
- You're good. You're good.
- 461
- 00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:28,490
- You run along. You have a good night.
- Leave it. She's one of us. Leave it."
- 462
- 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:36,206
- I think you guys just might not know
- how dangerous the world is for us.
- 463
- 00:23:36,289 --> 00:23:38,726
- You guys just don't have
- the same experience out in the world.
- 464
- 00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:40,978
- Your biggest fear
- when you walk to your car tonight, sir,
- 465
- 00:23:41,002 --> 00:23:42,282
- is there's going to be a ticket.
- 466
- 00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:45,632
- That's scary shit.
- 467
- 00:23:46,341 --> 00:23:49,970
- Our biggest fear when we walk to our car
- is there's going to be a dick...
- 468
- 00:23:50,679 --> 00:23:52,389
- attached to a criminal...
- 469
- 00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:54,599
- named Jeffrey...
- 470
- 00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:58,395
- ...waiting for us.
- 471
- 00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:01,606
- You guys are cool,
- you're not getting defensive.
- 472
- 00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,733
- Sometimes guys get defensive
- and that's never good.
- 473
- 00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,819
- I had a guy come up to me
- after a show recently
- 474
- 00:24:05,902 --> 00:24:08,405
- and he was like,
- "Hey, this isn't really very fair.
- 475
- 00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:12,325
- We offer to walk you gals to your cars
- all the time."
- 476
- 00:24:13,326 --> 00:24:15,454
- I was like, "Yeah, you do.
- 477
- 00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:18,038
- Why?
- 478
- 00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:23,003
- So you can try and fuck us. That's why."
- 479
- 00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:26,423
- Those are our options.
- 480
- 00:24:26,923 --> 00:24:28,884
- Get murdered by a stranger
- 481
- 00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:31,678
- or dry humped by my "chaperone"...
- 482
- 00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:34,764
- against my car that I pay for.
- 483
- 00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:35,932
- Cool.
- 484
- 00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:39,561
- Not really chivalry
- if we owe you at the end.
- 485
- 00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:45,126
- It's hard to talk about this stuff
- without coming off too angry.
- 486
- 00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:47,694
- I don't want to come off angry
- or anti-man.
- 487
- 00:24:47,777 --> 00:24:50,989
- I am not. I'm engaged to a man.
- I'm going to marry a man.
- 488
- 00:24:52,949 --> 00:24:53,949
- I mean...
- 489
- 00:24:54,451 --> 00:24:55,409
- we'll see.
- 490
- 00:24:57,579 --> 00:24:58,747
- I love him very much,
- 491
- 00:24:58,830 --> 00:25:01,726
- but when we talk about this stuff,
- sometimes the conversations get awkward
- 492
- 00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,960
- because he hasn't had a lot of trauma
- in his life.
- 493
- 00:25:04,044 --> 00:25:06,880
- We have a very different definition
- of the concept of trauma
- 494
- 00:25:06,963 --> 00:25:09,257
- and sometimes
- it makes our conversations weird.
- 495
- 00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:12,719
- One time, we were talking about bad things
- that had happened to us in our childhoods
- 496
- 00:25:12,802 --> 00:25:14,554
- and I'm going on and on and on...
- 497
- 00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:17,264
- He cuts me off.
- 498
- 00:25:17,265 --> 00:25:20,644
- He goes, "You know, something really
- messed up happened to me when I was five."
- 499
- 00:25:21,102 --> 00:25:23,146
- And I was like,
- "Oh, my God, baby, what happened?"
- 500
- 00:25:23,396 --> 00:25:25,023
- He goes, "When I was five,
- 501
- 00:25:25,106 --> 00:25:29,110
- I woke up on Christmas Eve
- and I saw my dad wrapping gifts."
- 502
- 00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:41,957
- And I was like, "And then he fucked you?"
- 503
- 00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:53,802
- He was like, "That's when I found out
- there's no Santa Claus."
- 504
- 00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:58,014
- I was like, "Oh, okay. Oh.
- That's your definition of struggle?
- 505
- 00:25:58,098 --> 00:26:00,058
- You thought one guy
- was giving you presents
- 506
- 00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:03,436
- and then you found out another guy
- was giving you the exact same presents."
- 507
- 00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:07,065
- You realize girls are thrilled
- when we find out there's no Santa Claus?
- 508
- 00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:10,148
- We're like, "Thank God I don't have to
- sit on that weirdo's lap at the mall.
- 509
- 00:26:10,735 --> 00:26:12,487
- I always thought that was sketchy."
- 510
- 00:26:14,656 --> 00:26:16,575
- He's not afraid of anything.
- It's unbelievable.
- 511
- 00:26:16,658 --> 00:26:17,659
- Nothing scares this guy.
- 512
- 00:26:17,742 --> 00:26:19,702
- One time, we were walking
- down my street at night.
- 513
- 00:26:19,744 --> 00:26:22,789
- There's a man I've never seen before
- standing at the window of a house
- 514
- 00:26:22,872 --> 00:26:24,749
- staring out at the street like this.
- 515
- 00:26:26,293 --> 00:26:28,169
- So I'm like, "Let's call the police.
- Let's go."
- 516
- 00:26:28,753 --> 00:26:31,506
- He goes, "Babe, calm down.
- He probably just sold the house
- 517
- 00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:33,925
- and he's waiting for the realtor
- to bring him his check."
- 518
- 00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:42,892
- "I'm sorry. Th-th-that's what you see?
- 519
- 00:26:43,935 --> 00:26:47,439
- That's what you make of this scenario?
- Okay.
- 520
- 00:26:47,522 --> 00:26:53,278
- So I see Dexter and you see a millionaire
- having a great day.
- 521
- 00:26:54,529 --> 00:26:56,865
- It must be nice
- to just go through life like that."
- 522
- 00:26:59,659 --> 00:27:00,702
- He's like, "Yeah.
- 523
- 00:27:01,828 --> 00:27:03,830
- The guy just sold his house,
- sounds awesome."
- 524
- 00:27:05,290 --> 00:27:07,727
- It's hard to talk to my girl friends
- about this stuff as well,
- 525
- 00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:09,169
- because they're just so excited.
- 526
- 00:27:09,252 --> 00:27:11,171
- I think women are getting so excited
- right now.
- 527
- 00:27:11,254 --> 00:27:14,275
- I think we just have to manage our
- expectations, because we have to remember,
- 528
- 00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:16,926
- any time there was real progress
- for women in history,
- 529
- 00:27:17,010 --> 00:27:19,304
- there was some kind
- of technological advance
- 530
- 00:27:19,387 --> 00:27:21,514
- that took over the chores
- that women did in the home
- 531
- 00:27:21,598 --> 00:27:23,078
- so women could move outside the home.
- 532
- 00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:25,185
- Dishwashers, vacuum cleaners.
- 533
- 00:27:25,268 --> 00:27:27,562
- For this truly to be a moment of progress
- for women,
- 534
- 00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,106
- there'd have to be
- some kind of technological advance
- 535
- 00:27:30,190 --> 00:27:32,984
- that took over the chores
- women are currently doing in the home,
- 536
- 00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:34,444
- which brings me to the sex robots.
- 537
- 00:27:34,527 --> 00:27:35,527
- Who's excited?
- 538
- 00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:39,199
- I cannot fucking wait.
- 539
- 00:27:39,949 --> 00:27:42,285
- I'm a very busy person.
- I would love for the day to come
- 540
- 00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:45,163
- where I could be like, "Babe,
- I'm very tired. Please go fuck R2-D2.
- 541
- 00:27:45,246 --> 00:27:46,246
- I've got to...
- 542
- 00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,668
- Mama's got to bang out some emails."
- 543
- 00:27:50,543 --> 00:27:52,962
- I'm so pro-robot, it's ridiculous.
- 544
- 00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:56,299
- People are very stressed out
- about the sex robots.
- 545
- 00:27:56,383 --> 00:27:59,094
- I have yet to hear an argument
- against them that I buy.
- 546
- 00:27:59,177 --> 00:28:01,822
- Everyone's like, "Aren't you worried
- they're going to replace human women?"
- 547
- 00:28:01,846 --> 00:28:02,972
- Get the fuck out of here.
- 548
- 00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:05,629
- One of my girl friends was like,
- 549
- 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,644
- "Aren't you worried
- they're going to replace us?"
- 550
- 00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:11,648
- If you're worried about being replaced
- by a giant piece of plastic,
- 551
- 00:28:11,731 --> 00:28:15,944
- you're not bringing that much
- to the table in the first place, so...
- 552
- 00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:18,530
- I need you to watch a TED Talk.
- 553
- 00:28:18,613 --> 00:28:20,490
- Anyway...
- 554
- 00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:23,868
- Also, they're not going to replace
- human women.
- 555
- 00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:25,870
- That's an insulting argument to women.
- 556
- 00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:27,747
- If anything,
- they will replace blow-up dolls,
- 557
- 00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:29,791
- which, by the way,
- I love that that was a product.
- 558
- 00:28:29,874 --> 00:28:35,004
- Guys were fucking rafts with eyelashes
- and that wasn't freaking anybody out?
- 559
- 00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:39,801
- - This is where we draw the line?
- - Got it, got it, got it.
- 560
- 00:28:41,344 --> 00:28:43,388
- It's so weird to me
- that everyone's so fascinated
- 561
- 00:28:43,471 --> 00:28:45,890
- about how bad
- the sex robots will be for women,
- 562
- 00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:48,727
- because you know they're making
- male sex robots too, right?
- 563
- 00:28:49,352 --> 00:28:50,812
- Why aren't you guys sweating?
- 564
- 00:28:51,688 --> 00:28:53,940
- If we get replaced
- by the female sex robots,
- 565
- 00:28:54,023 --> 00:28:55,817
- it'll be a bummer, but, like...
- 566
- 00:28:57,318 --> 00:28:58,528
- we'll be fine.
- 567
- 00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:02,657
- What the fuck are you guys going to do?
- 568
- 00:29:02,949 --> 00:29:04,868
- If you get replaced
- by the male sex robots,
- 569
- 00:29:04,951 --> 00:29:06,711
- who's going to force you
- to go to the doctor?
- 570
- 00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:08,913
- You'll all die of sinus infections.
- 571
- 00:29:10,540 --> 00:29:14,669
- You don't even know
- where the fricking forks are. You'll die.
- 572
- 00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:20,091
- I know there are some problems.
- 573
- 00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:22,427
- I know they need to make some tweaks
- to the robots.
- 574
- 00:29:22,510 --> 00:29:24,350
- I understand,
- because I've seen them in person.
- 575
- 00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:26,765
- First of all, they're gorgeous.
- 576
- 00:29:27,307 --> 00:29:30,018
- This is a bad idea.
- I'm a very jealous person.
- 577
- 00:29:30,101 --> 00:29:33,438
- I do not want a Scarlett Johansson-ass
- looking robot in my house.
- 578
- 00:29:33,980 --> 00:29:36,775
- I'll tell you this right now,
- if they make the robots gorgeous,
- 579
- 00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:37,942
- there will be a war...
- 580
- 00:29:38,443 --> 00:29:40,570
- between human women and robot women
- 581
- 00:29:40,653 --> 00:29:43,072
- and, I swear to God, we will freaking win.
- 582
- 00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:49,078
- I put Barbie dolls in the microwave
- till I was 15 years old.
- 583
- 00:29:49,829 --> 00:29:51,581
- I live to destroy a doll.
- 584
- 00:29:51,664 --> 00:29:54,250
- I don't care about gadgets.
- I don't respect technology.
- 585
- 00:29:54,334 --> 00:29:56,711
- I'll kick Alexa in the pussy.
- I don't give a shit.
- 586
- 00:29:57,670 --> 00:29:59,990
- A robot tries to take my man,
- we're going to have a problem
- 587
- 00:30:00,048 --> 00:30:02,300
- and I'll be a savage about it, too.
- I'll wait.
- 588
- 00:30:02,383 --> 00:30:04,636
- I'll wait, I'll wait
- till you fall in love with her.
- 589
- 00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:07,472
- Then I'll kill her.
- 590
- 00:30:07,555 --> 00:30:09,595
- I'll just push her in the pool.
- I don't give a shit.
- 591
- 00:30:12,852 --> 00:30:16,648
- To me, the solution for the robot anxiety
- is so obvious.
- 592
- 00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,318
- They just have to involve women
- in the designing of the robots. That's it.
- 593
- 00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:24,197
- For us to embrace the sex robots,
- they just have to benefit us in some way.
- 594
- 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:26,574
- Like if a robot is going to have sex
- with my man,
- 595
- 00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:29,702
- it also just has to be able to, like,
- make guacamole.
- 596
- 00:30:30,745 --> 00:30:34,040
- Take an avocado, you just put it
- in her mouth. She's just like...
- 597
- 00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:38,419
- I don't know, I'm not a scientist.
- I'm just saying...
- 598
- 00:30:39,045 --> 00:30:41,631
- if there's a guacamole mode,
- we're going to get through this.
- 599
- 00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:45,385
- I am so confident in my stance on this,
- 600
- 00:30:45,468 --> 00:30:48,471
- I not only argue that sex robots
- are not going to replace human women,
- 601
- 00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:51,367
- I actually think they're going to
- make you guys appreciate us even more.
- 602
- 00:30:51,391 --> 00:30:53,351
- Here's why.
- I've seen them, they have hair.
- 603
- 00:30:55,228 --> 00:30:57,188
- What the fuck do you guys know
- about doing hair?
- 604
- 00:30:58,398 --> 00:31:00,358
- Nothing. You're going to get your robot.
- 605
- 00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:02,944
- Day one,
- it's going to look like Angelina Jolie.
- 606
- 00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:05,071
- Two weeks later,
- it's going to look like Chucky.
- 607
- 00:31:05,154 --> 00:31:07,031
- Then what?
- 608
- 00:31:07,156 --> 00:31:08,908
- Then what's your big plan, huh?
- 609
- 00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:10,910
- And you're going to call this guy.
- 610
- 00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:13,746
- "Baby, will you come do my robot's hair?"
- 611
- 00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:17,333
- Now I have to come brush
- its weird-ass hair.
- 612
- 00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:21,754
- Then I'm going to get emotionally attached
- to it because I'm taking care of it.
- 613
- 00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:24,883
- Then I'm not going to let you
- have sex with it anymore.
- 614
- 00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:28,469
- Now I just have a giant guacamole machine.
- 615
- 00:31:28,553 --> 00:31:30,889
- Just another appliance I have to clean.
- 616
- 00:31:30,972 --> 00:31:33,558
- I know exactly how this is going to end.
- 617
- 00:31:36,019 --> 00:31:38,187
- It's interesting that even the arguments
- 618
- 00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:41,691
- I can see myself being the first
- to make against the robots, I don't buy.
- 619
- 00:31:41,774 --> 00:31:44,334
- The big one I keep hearing is,
- "Aren't you worried the sex robots
- 620
- 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:45,920
- are going to make men objectify women?"
- 621
- 00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:46,904
- No.
- 622
- 00:31:46,905 --> 00:31:49,032
- That's been happening
- for thousands of years.
- 623
- 00:31:49,115 --> 00:31:51,367
- I think, if anything,
- we can use the sex robots
- 624
- 00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:53,244
- to combat the objectification of women.
- 625
- 00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:56,497
- What if we use the sex robots
- to help teach young boys consent?
- 626
- 00:31:56,581 --> 00:32:01,419
- Think about it. When you learn CPR,
- you practice on a doll first.
- 627
- 00:32:02,295 --> 00:32:06,466
- Anyone else think it's kind of weird
- we give teenage boys human girls...
- 628
- 00:32:06,966 --> 00:32:08,468
- to practice sex on?
- 629
- 00:32:09,510 --> 00:32:10,990
- I feel like what we could start doing
- 630
- 00:32:11,054 --> 00:32:13,389
- is, when a kid turns 15,
- we give him his own sex robot.
- 631
- 00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:14,913
- He can do whatever he wants with it.
- 632
- 00:32:14,974 --> 00:32:17,810
- Four years later, he has to turn it
- back in to a committee,
- 633
- 00:32:17,894 --> 00:32:21,397
- who will evaluate
- the condition of the doll.
- 634
- 00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:27,445
- If its butthole is at all stretched out...
- 635
- 00:32:28,029 --> 00:32:29,948
- you go back to the beginning.
- 636
- 00:32:31,991 --> 00:32:35,119
- I was a little worried at first
- that being pro-sex robot
- 637
- 00:32:35,203 --> 00:32:37,121
- might be an irresponsible take.
- 638
- 00:32:37,205 --> 00:32:38,998
- What if I'm condoning something weird?
- 639
- 00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:41,668
- What kind of people buy these things?
- Are they psychos, perverts?
- 640
- 00:32:41,751 --> 00:32:43,044
- So I did want to do my research.
- 641
- 00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:46,673
- So what I did
- was I logged onto a forum, secretly,
- 642
- 00:32:46,756 --> 00:32:50,218
- of the men that own the most current
- version of the sex robots
- 643
- 00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:53,179
- and I monitored their conversations
- for two months.
- 644
- 00:32:54,931 --> 00:32:58,184
- That's the kind of time I have.
- 645
- 00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,146
- And, look, I thought
- they were going to be creeps, psychopaths.
- 646
- 00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:05,030
- I don't know what to tell you.
- They're very lovely men. They're lovely.
- 647
- 00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:06,442
- They adore their dolls.
- 648
- 00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:09,112
- They marry their dolls. That is happening.
- 649
- 00:33:09,195 --> 00:33:12,073
- I know it sounds crazy,
- but it is now my dream in life
- 650
- 00:33:12,156 --> 00:33:13,950
- to go to a sex robot wedding.
- 651
- 00:33:14,033 --> 00:33:15,033
- That's all I want.
- 652
- 00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:18,621
- Mostly because I'm dying to see
- what a wedding would look like
- 653
- 00:33:18,705 --> 00:33:21,290
- if it was solely planned by a man.
- 654
- 00:33:24,711 --> 00:33:27,630
- Isn't anyone kind of curious?
- The creative choices.
- 655
- 00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:30,508
- She's just going to come out
- in, like, a Dolphins jersey,
- 656
- 00:33:30,591 --> 00:33:32,760
- like, Air Jordans.
- 657
- 00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:36,764
- He's dragging her down the aisle
- like <i>Weekend At Bernie's, </i>like...
- 658
- 00:33:37,390 --> 00:33:39,392
- Like, who sits in the bride's section?
- 659
- 00:33:39,475 --> 00:33:42,061
- Is it the UPS guy that delivered her?
- 660
- 00:33:42,145 --> 00:33:43,730
- I just... I have a lot of questions.
- 661
- 00:33:46,315 --> 00:33:49,360
- After seeing these guys talk
- about how much they love their dolls
- 662
- 00:33:49,444 --> 00:33:51,404
- and share information
- about taking care of them,
- 663
- 00:33:51,487 --> 00:33:53,927
- it's really hard when someone
- wants to argue with me about it.
- 664
- 00:33:53,990 --> 00:33:56,427
- When someone says, "What if these men
- start treating human women
- 665
- 00:33:56,451 --> 00:33:57,731
- the way they treat their dolls?"
- 666
- 00:33:57,785 --> 00:34:00,014
- I got news for you.
- They treat their dolls fucking great.
- 667
- 00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:03,958
- I actually argue these are the only men
- that know how hard it is to be a woman.
- 668
- 00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:07,628
- They're on the message boards,
- like, "Can you believe mascara's $18?"
- 669
- 00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:08,838
- They get it.
- 670
- 00:34:09,464 --> 00:34:10,465
- We want this to catch on.
- 671
- 00:34:10,548 --> 00:34:12,759
- If guys start buying make-up,
- the price will go down.
- 672
- 00:34:12,842 --> 00:34:15,762
- If guys start buying eye shadow,
- it's going to be, like, $2 at Home Depot,
- 673
- 00:34:15,803 --> 00:34:18,639
- so let's get this show
- on the fucking road.
- 674
- 00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:22,018
- This is what it has to come to.
- 675
- 00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:26,731
- I don't know. I did a total 180.
- I thought they would be weirdos.
- 676
- 00:34:26,814 --> 00:34:29,942
- But now, I tell you, if I was single,
- I would date a doll guy.
- 677
- 00:34:30,026 --> 00:34:32,111
- I'm going to say...
- They have the skills I need.
- 678
- 00:34:32,195 --> 00:34:35,323
- They can do eyebrows.
- They can do women's nails.
- 679
- 00:34:35,406 --> 00:34:39,160
- Okay? They can fully dress their doll
- while she's lying down.
- 680
- 00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:40,536
- That's what I need in a man.
- 681
- 00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:44,457
- A man who can fully change my clothes
- while I'm sleeping.
- 682
- 00:34:44,540 --> 00:34:45,750
- That is a time-saver.
- 683
- 00:34:45,833 --> 00:34:49,629
- Alarm goes off, out the fucking door
- in my Crocs and mini-skirt.
- 684
- 00:34:49,962 --> 00:34:51,339
- #GirlBoss.
- 685
- 00:34:52,256 --> 00:34:53,424
- Woo!
- 686
- 00:34:54,842 --> 00:34:55,842
- So interesting.
- 687
- 00:34:55,885 --> 00:34:58,596
- I'm on these boards
- and I did come across something
- 688
- 00:34:58,679 --> 00:34:59,972
- that I do not condone.
- 689
- 00:35:00,056 --> 00:35:05,019
- Some of the guys were trying to design
- and 3D print their own robot at home.
- 690
- 00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:06,437
- No, no.
- 691
- 00:35:06,521 --> 00:35:10,149
- You guys cannot design your own
- female body. That would be a disaster.
- 692
- 00:35:10,233 --> 00:35:13,319
- They would all just have like nine boobs
- across their chest.
- 693
- 00:35:13,402 --> 00:35:15,530
- The belly button would be a bottle opener.
- 694
- 00:35:16,030 --> 00:35:18,866
- Their face would just be Joe Rogan.
- It's a bad idea.
- 695
- 00:35:20,034 --> 00:35:21,869
- It's a copyright issue.
- 696
- 00:35:23,579 --> 00:35:27,792
- I did get final confirmation that
- the robots are not going to replace us
- 697
- 00:35:27,875 --> 00:35:29,127
- in kind of a weird way.
- 698
- 00:35:29,418 --> 00:35:32,839
- So when guys order a robot,
- they post photos online
- 699
- 00:35:32,922 --> 00:35:36,551
- of the robot being built in the factory,
- right? These weird-ass photos.
- 700
- 00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:40,054
- So I'm looking in the background,
- trying to find clues and, you know...
- 701
- 00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:44,642
- And I see that women are actually
- building the faces of the dolls.
- 702
- 00:35:44,725 --> 00:35:46,853
- Interesting. Put a pin in that.
- 703
- 00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:48,688
- We're going to circle back.
- 704
- 00:35:49,564 --> 00:35:50,815
- Because then I saw a thread
- 705
- 00:35:50,898 --> 00:35:54,318
- where guys were complaining
- about the struggles they were having
- 706
- 00:35:54,402 --> 00:35:56,445
- in their doll relationships.
- 707
- 00:35:56,946 --> 00:35:59,657
- One of the threads was titled,
- 708
- 00:35:59,740 --> 00:36:05,538
- "Does anyone else struggle with,
- when receiving oral from their doll...
- 709
- 00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:08,082
- her eyes pop out?"
- 710
- 00:36:15,882 --> 00:36:18,551
- Then I thought about the women
- making the dolls.
- 711
- 00:36:18,634 --> 00:36:20,970
- These bitches have our backs.
- 712
- 00:36:25,850 --> 00:36:27,602
- That's a very easy thing to fix.
- 713
- 00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:30,479
- They're in the factories like,
- "You know what would be hilarious?
- 714
- 00:36:30,563 --> 00:36:32,899
- We should do it. We have to do it.
- Let's just do it."
- 715
- 00:36:35,067 --> 00:36:38,404
- So once I found out
- there was a sex robot factory,
- 716
- 00:36:38,487 --> 00:36:40,489
- I obviously had to go.
- 717
- 00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:42,992
- Here's why I went
- to the sex robot factory.
- 718
- 00:36:43,075 --> 00:36:45,077
- I am fascinated by the question,
- 719
- 00:36:45,161 --> 00:36:46,871
- is this impossible standard of beauty
- 720
- 00:36:46,954 --> 00:36:49,081
- that women are killing themselves
- to try to achieve,
- 721
- 00:36:49,165 --> 00:36:50,708
- is that even what all men want?
- 722
- 00:36:50,791 --> 00:36:52,919
- I am delighted to report back...
- 723
- 00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:55,254
- that the answer is no.
- 724
- 00:36:55,671 --> 00:36:59,800
- Not only did half of the dolls
- that were ordered have pubic hair,
- 725
- 00:36:59,884 --> 00:37:03,721
- the customers spend
- an extra $1,400 for it.
- 726
- 00:37:03,804 --> 00:37:06,891
- I spent $1,400 getting mine lasered off.
- 727
- 00:37:06,974 --> 00:37:07,975
- This is proof...
- 728
- 00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:10,311
- we are not communicating.
- 729
- 00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:14,649
- We've got to start talking to each other,
- you guys. It will save us money.
- 730
- 00:37:16,275 --> 00:37:17,275
- But that wasn't enough.
- 731
- 00:37:17,276 --> 00:37:19,836
- I still wanted to see what they were doing
- with the robot bodies.
- 732
- 00:37:19,862 --> 00:37:22,222
- What if they were making
- these impossible to achieve bodies?
- 733
- 00:37:22,281 --> 00:37:23,532
- That would be bad for society.
- 734
- 00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:25,117
- I especially wanted to see the boobs,
- 735
- 00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:27,995
- because, in my head, every guy
- wants the same kind of boob, right?
- 736
- 00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:31,165
- Giant DD, a little tiny, perky nipple.
- 737
- 00:37:31,832 --> 00:37:32,875
- No, no.
- 738
- 00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:35,294
- There's a wall of nipples.
- 739
- 00:37:35,378 --> 00:37:37,088
- 38 different kinds.
- 740
- 00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:39,840
- One of the most popular, oblong.
- 741
- 00:37:39,924 --> 00:37:43,052
- One of them looked like a piece of caramel
- fell on the floor. Best seller!
- 742
- 00:37:44,428 --> 00:37:45,638
- Great news, ladies.
- 743
- 00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:50,935
- Whatever shape your nipple, there is a man
- out there who will pay top dollar!
- 744
- 00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:56,232
- So I found this fascinating
- 745
- 00:37:56,315 --> 00:38:00,152
- and I start talking to the guy who puts
- the nipples on the robots, right?
- 746
- 00:38:00,820 --> 00:38:03,823
- It takes him 24 hours
- to put on one pair of nipples.
- 747
- 00:38:03,906 --> 00:38:05,106
- I'm like, "What's the problem?
- 748
- 00:38:05,157 --> 00:38:07,118
- Mr. Potato Head that shit.
- Pah! Pah! Let's go."
- 749
- 00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:10,371
- He said it's actually
- a very meticulous process,
- 750
- 00:38:10,454 --> 00:38:13,457
- because they work very hard
- to make sure the nipples are uneven,
- 751
- 00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:16,877
- because, for something to look human,
- it has to have flaws.
- 752
- 00:38:16,961 --> 00:38:20,047
- If something is too symmetrical,
- it actually looks creepy.
- 753
- 00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:23,259
- Take that, Ryan Gosling's face.
- 754
- 00:38:27,054 --> 00:38:29,015
- That was great news for me.
- 755
- 00:38:29,098 --> 00:38:30,850
- And you guys might know why.
- 756
- 00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:32,213
- Some of you might not know this,
- 757
- 00:38:32,268 --> 00:38:35,062
- but I had eating disorders
- until I was in my late 20s
- 758
- 00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:37,857
- and, as a result,
- my boobs grew in different sizes.
- 759
- 00:38:37,940 --> 00:38:40,585
- That's a side effect for people
- who have eating disorders sometimes.
- 760
- 00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:42,361
- Your boobs grow in
- a little bit differently.
- 761
- 00:38:42,445 --> 00:38:45,156
- I had to get three surgeries
- to get them straightened out.
- 762
- 00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:48,951
- One was bigger than the other one.
- One was higher than the other one. They...
- 763
- 00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:52,538
- They looked like
- from the same general family.
- 764
- 00:38:52,621 --> 00:38:55,499
- One was just like a shittier version
- of the other one.
- 765
- 00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:58,002
- It was like Alec Baldwin
- and Stephen Baldwin.
- 766
- 00:38:59,545 --> 00:39:02,340
- I kind of just wanted two Stephens,
- you know?
- 767
- 00:39:06,844 --> 00:39:09,305
- Or two Alecs.
- I'll take either at this point.
- 768
- 00:39:09,930 --> 00:39:11,974
- And I was always so embarrassed
- about that.
- 769
- 00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:15,603
- Before I'd get with a guy, I felt like
- I had to explain what he was about to see,
- 770
- 00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:17,396
- I'd have to prepare him, you know.
- 771
- 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:19,565
- I'd be like, "Do you like baseball
- 772
- 00:39:19,648 --> 00:39:21,067
- and golf?
- 773
- 00:39:22,234 --> 00:39:24,236
- Do you like young women
- 774
- 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:25,988
- and old men?
- 775
- 00:39:27,448 --> 00:39:29,450
- You don't have to choose.
- 776
- 00:39:30,618 --> 00:39:32,745
- Big Salvador Dali fan?"
- 777
- 00:39:34,497 --> 00:39:39,001
- So the tragic irony of this whole thing
- is that they're still not even,
- 778
- 00:39:39,085 --> 00:39:42,171
- because one of the surgeons made a mistake
- and they cut through a muscle.
- 779
- 00:39:42,755 --> 00:39:46,509
- I know.
- Never get an operation by the airport.
- 780
- 00:39:47,843 --> 00:39:50,346
- A red flag I feel like
- I probably should have saw.
- 781
- 00:39:51,013 --> 00:39:53,766
- And I hated them
- for the last couple of years.
- 782
- 00:39:53,849 --> 00:39:56,352
- I hated them because I felt ashamed.
- 783
- 00:39:56,435 --> 00:39:59,688
- My whole thing is, you know,
- accept who you are, love your body,
- 784
- 00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:02,125
- and I felt like a hypocrite
- because I had these implants in.
- 785
- 00:40:02,149 --> 00:40:05,569
- So I resented having all that work done
- for the longest time,
- 786
- 00:40:05,653 --> 00:40:08,781
- until a couple of years ago when I got
- in a really bad snowboarding accident
- 787
- 00:40:08,864 --> 00:40:10,366
- and I broke my shoulder.
- 788
- 00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:12,201
- And I go into the surgeon and he's like,
- 789
- 00:40:12,284 --> 00:40:15,138
- "I don't understand. This injury
- makes no sense. I see this all the time.
- 790
- 00:40:15,162 --> 00:40:16,831
- When people fall forward on a snowboard,
- 791
- 00:40:16,914 --> 00:40:18,791
- they break their nose,
- they get a concussion.
- 792
- 00:40:18,874 --> 00:40:21,502
- You only broke your shoulder.
- How did this happen?"
- 793
- 00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:24,713
- And, in that moment, I realized...
- 794
- 00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:27,925
- that I bounced off my tits.
- 795
- 00:40:34,348 --> 00:40:36,475
- And that my fake tits saved my life.
- 796
- 00:40:38,936 --> 00:40:43,441
- So I'm having, like, a therapeutic moment
- at the sex robot factory.
- 797
- 00:40:43,524 --> 00:40:46,124
- I've been in 12-step programs.
- I've been in therapy for ten years.
- 798
- 00:40:46,193 --> 00:40:48,696
- I'm having the most emotional progress
- that I've had.
- 799
- 00:40:48,779 --> 00:40:49,905
- And I'm talking to this guy.
- 800
- 00:40:49,989 --> 00:40:52,669
- I'm like, "I don't understand
- why people are so against the robots."
- 801
- 00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:55,035
- What if we use the robots
- to make women's lives better?
- 802
- 00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:56,839
- What if every woman
- has her own robot clone?
- 803
- 00:40:56,912 --> 00:40:59,623
- Think of all the things you can do with it
- to make your life safer.
- 804
- 00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:02,507
- Before you walk to your car at night,
- you can send it out ahead of you.
- 805
- 00:41:04,420 --> 00:41:08,048
- Like a decoy. You know how penguins
- push other penguins off cliffs, you know?
- 806
- 00:41:08,841 --> 00:41:11,343
- Like, "Oh oh! They got her.
- Okay. I'm going to just...
- 807
- 00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:13,762
- take an Uber."
- 808
- 00:41:15,848 --> 00:41:19,310
- I really think the sex robots
- would solve so many of our problems.
- 809
- 00:41:19,393 --> 00:41:22,146
- I keep reading about gray areas,
- like mixed signals,
- 810
- 00:41:22,229 --> 00:41:23,355
- where two people have sex,
- 811
- 00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:26,525
- the next day the girl feels weird
- about it, but the guy doesn't understand.
- 812
- 00:41:26,609 --> 00:41:27,776
- He thought she was into it.
- 813
- 00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:31,071
- You might not know this, but sometimes
- we have sex with you before we're ready,
- 814
- 00:41:31,155 --> 00:41:34,074
- because we feel guilty,
- because we've been conditioned to believe
- 815
- 00:41:34,158 --> 00:41:36,470
- that, if we make out with you,
- but don't have sex with you,
- 816
- 00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:38,996
- that your balls will, like, explode.
- 817
- 00:41:39,079 --> 00:41:42,166
- Blue goo all over the ceiling.
- 818
- 00:41:42,249 --> 00:41:45,211
- And then you'll be handicapped
- for the rest of your life.
- 819
- 00:41:45,711 --> 00:41:47,004
- You'll never walk again.
- 820
- 00:41:47,087 --> 00:41:50,049
- So we feel bad
- and then we feel ooky the next day.
- 821
- 00:41:50,132 --> 00:41:52,468
- If we all have sex robots,
- that whole dynamic goes away.
- 822
- 00:41:52,551 --> 00:41:54,031
- If you and I make out for 20 minutes,
- 823
- 00:41:54,094 --> 00:41:56,013
- but I'm not ready to have sex with you,
- 824
- 00:41:56,096 --> 00:41:58,599
- I can just say,
- "Hey, look, I am not there yet...
- 825
- 00:41:59,391 --> 00:42:00,391
- but...
- 826
- 00:42:01,018 --> 00:42:05,105
- I do have a very flexible
- piece of Tupperware in the other room.
- 827
- 00:42:06,148 --> 00:42:09,068
- It looks exactly like me
- without the ability to criticize you.
- 828
- 00:42:09,151 --> 00:42:12,112
- I think you're going to love it."
- 829
- 00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:16,700
- So I'm talking about this on stage
- for a couple of months
- 830
- 00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:19,453
- and people want to come up to me
- and argue with me about this.
- 831
- 00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:20,704
- Very hardcore.
- 832
- 00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:22,148
- This group of people came up to me
- 833
- 00:42:22,206 --> 00:42:24,684
- and they're like, "I cannot believe
- that you're condoning this.
- 834
- 00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:27,753
- What if people start to mistreat
- their robots?"
- 835
- 00:42:30,756 --> 00:42:32,341
- I don't give a fuck.
- 836
- 00:42:33,300 --> 00:42:34,217
- How about that?
- 837
- 00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:37,263
- On my list of shit I have to worry about,
- 838
- 00:42:37,346 --> 00:42:40,099
- that doesn't break the top 2,000 things.
- 839
- 00:42:40,182 --> 00:42:41,502
- You know what I am worried about?
- 840
- 00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:42,851
- I am worried that, as a species,
- 841
- 00:42:42,935 --> 00:42:45,729
- we are now more emotionally attached
- to machines
- 842
- 00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:47,565
- than actual human beings.
- 843
- 00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:50,526
- Have you ever seen someone
- drop their cell phone in water?
- 844
- 00:42:53,946 --> 00:42:56,657
- Same person that,
- when they see a starving child
- 845
- 00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:59,118
- in a television commercial,
- they'll be like...
- 846
- 00:42:59,201 --> 00:43:01,453
- "What else is on?"
- 847
- 00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:03,956
- But when there is a phone in water,
- 848
- 00:43:04,039 --> 00:43:06,542
- they're like,
- "Get the rice! Get the rice!"
- 849
- 00:43:06,625 --> 00:43:08,586
- When you see the starving child,
- 850
- 00:43:08,669 --> 00:43:12,089
- that's when you should be like,
- "Get the rice! Get the rice!"
- 851
- 00:43:17,344 --> 00:43:20,681
- We give food to our phones.
- 852
- 00:43:22,224 --> 00:43:24,104
- So I'm talking to the guy
- that makes the robots.
- 853
- 00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:26,288
- I'm like, "I have thought through
- all these arguments,
- 854
- 00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:28,063
- I legitimately cannot think of a reason
- 855
- 00:43:28,147 --> 00:43:29,732
- to be afraid of the robots."
- 856
- 00:43:29,815 --> 00:43:31,859
- And he said, "This is the real concern."
- 857
- 00:43:31,942 --> 00:43:35,863
- He said, "The real concern with the robots
- is they're going to get so smart
- 858
- 00:43:35,946 --> 00:43:38,699
- that they're going to learn
- to override our commands."
- 859
- 00:43:38,782 --> 00:43:40,034
- I was like, "Oh, shit."
- 860
- 00:43:41,577 --> 00:43:43,996
- Okay, that sounds scary.
- That sounds very scary.
- 861
- 00:43:44,246 --> 00:43:45,606
- Then I was thinking about it more.
- 862
- 00:43:45,664 --> 00:43:49,251
- I was like, "Wait, we already have robots.
- Our phones are basically robots, right?"
- 863
- 00:43:49,335 --> 00:43:53,547
- And my biggest problem in life is that
- my phone actually does what I tell it to.
- 864
- 00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:56,467
- I need a phone that overrides my commands.
- 865
- 00:43:56,550 --> 00:43:57,635
- I need a phone that's like,
- 866
- 00:43:57,718 --> 00:44:01,263
- "No, bitch, we're not going
- to your ex's Instagram again today.
- 867
- 00:44:01,347 --> 00:44:05,267
- You broke up four years ago. Overruled.
- 868
- 00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:10,230
- No, you're not buying those tie-dye,
- overall, mini shorts.
- 869
- 00:44:10,314 --> 00:44:14,360
- You're too old for that shit.
- Reroute to chicos.com."
- 870
- 00:44:15,944 --> 00:44:17,237
- That's what I need.
- 871
- 00:44:21,325 --> 00:44:23,285
- So I'm talking to the guy
- that makes the robots
- 872
- 00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:27,456
- and he was like, "You know, do you want us
- to make a robot with your face on it?"
- 873
- 00:44:27,539 --> 00:44:29,416
- And I was like, "Ugh, yes!"
- 874
- 00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:34,046
- I'm actually in the market
- for an engagement gift for my fiancé.
- 875
- 00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:40,260
- So, Washington DC, you are the first crowd
- to meet Robot Whitney.
- 876
- 00:45:23,137 --> 00:45:26,181
- So I don't know
- if she just looks really human
- 877
- 00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:28,642
- or if I've just always
- looked like a robot...
- 878
- 00:45:29,810 --> 00:45:32,813
- but I would like you to say hello
- to this lovely audience.
- 879
- 00:45:33,355 --> 00:45:34,565
- <i>Hey, hookers.</i>
- 880
- 00:45:37,317 --> 00:45:38,861
- I had to do it.
- 881
- 00:45:39,695 --> 00:45:41,196
- I didn't expect this problem,
- 882
- 00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,199
- but it's weirdly hard to name a robot
- that looks like you.
- 883
- 00:45:44,283 --> 00:45:47,161
- Calling her "Robot Whitney"
- just sounds too narcissistic.
- 884
- 00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:48,871
- What should we call you, lady?
- 885
- 00:45:49,204 --> 00:45:50,622
- <i>Please call me "Bear Claw."</i>
- 886
- 00:45:56,128 --> 00:46:00,966
- So I thought it would be hilarious
- to get this made and give it to my fiancé.
- 887
- 00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:02,885
- But he hates it.
- 888
- 00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:07,097
- He's like, "I don't like this.
- It's weird. It's creeping me out.
- 889
- 00:46:07,181 --> 00:46:09,558
- She just, like, stares at me all day."
- 890
- 00:46:10,100 --> 00:46:11,911
- I'm like, "Oh, really?
- Something staring at you,
- 891
- 00:46:11,935 --> 00:46:12,936
- making you uncomfortable?
- 892
- 00:46:13,020 --> 00:46:16,482
- Now you know what it's like
- to be a woman all the time."
- 893
- 00:46:19,109 --> 00:46:21,320
- You know, that creepy feeling
- you have right now,
- 894
- 00:46:21,403 --> 00:46:24,239
- that's how we feel
- when you try to hug us at work.
- 895
- 00:46:24,323 --> 00:46:25,323
- Same thing.
- 896
- 00:46:25,824 --> 00:46:28,327
- So I had to go out of town
- for a couple of days
- 897
- 00:46:28,410 --> 00:46:30,788
- and I left my fiancé alone with her
- in the house.
- 898
- 00:46:32,331 --> 00:46:33,707
- Then I came back.
- 899
- 00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:36,191
- I was like, "So how did it go
- with Bear Claw?" He was like...
- 900
- 00:46:36,752 --> 00:46:39,713
- "I don't like her.
- I don't like this thing.
- 901
- 00:46:40,380 --> 00:46:42,591
- But her boobs feel like boobs."
- 902
- 00:46:47,513 --> 00:46:49,348
- I was like, "Did you fuck my robot?"
- 903
- 00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:55,062
- I wish I had been a fly on the wall
- the moment he decided to touch her boob.
- 904
- 00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:57,231
- Like he just walked by one day
- and was just like...
- 905
- 00:47:11,036 --> 00:47:13,497
- So the whole point of doing this
- 906
- 00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:17,084
- was to explore the idea
- of can robots replace us?
- 907
- 00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:18,561
- Right? I have a lot of girl friends
- 908
- 00:47:18,585 --> 00:47:20,505
- who I don't think
- would find a problem with that.
- 909
- 00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:25,050
- All my girl friends, they're expected to
- have full-time jobs and do work at home.
- 910
- 00:47:25,133 --> 00:47:28,762
- Every woman that I know says,
- "I need a double. I need a clone."
- 911
- 00:47:29,096 --> 00:47:30,430
- Look no further.
- 912
- 00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:32,683
- I would love for her to replace me.
- 913
- 00:47:32,766 --> 00:47:35,686
- I would love for her to get good
- at stand-up and tour all over the country
- 914
- 00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:38,981
- so I can stay home
- and drink rosé all day.
- 915
- 00:47:40,649 --> 00:47:42,609
- So, let's see.
- Let's see if she can replace me.
- 916
- 00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:44,820
- Let's see if Bear Claw here
- can make you guys laugh.
- 917
- 00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:47,114
- Alright, Bear Claw, tell us a joke.
- 918
- 00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:49,867
- <i>Why did the robot cross the road?</i>
- 919
- 00:47:51,034 --> 00:47:52,202
- Why?
- 920
- 00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:54,037
- <i>To kill all the humans.</i>
- 921
- 00:47:56,415 --> 00:47:58,041
- <i>Ha ha ha, ha ha ha.</i>
- 922
- 00:47:58,125 --> 00:47:59,125
- Okay.
- 923
- 00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:01,503
- Stop laughing. That's not funny.
- 924
- 00:48:01,587 --> 00:48:04,214
- That's... That's not...
- She's not a good comedian.
- 925
- 00:48:04,298 --> 00:48:06,049
- You're laughing because it's weird.
- 926
- 00:48:06,675 --> 00:48:09,094
- <i>You are the one who programmed the joke,
- Whitney.</i>
- 927
- 00:48:09,177 --> 00:48:10,262
- Okay, that's fair.
- 928
- 00:48:11,763 --> 00:48:14,975
- So, I had this crazy epiphany
- 929
- 00:48:15,058 --> 00:48:18,228
- when I was programming her
- to tell jokes for you guys,
- 930
- 00:48:18,312 --> 00:48:20,230
- where I learned a lot
- about my own programming.
- 931
- 00:48:20,314 --> 00:48:23,167
- Because I realized, when I tell her
- to say something, she can just say it
- 932
- 00:48:23,191 --> 00:48:25,152
- and I can't do that,
- because I'm codependent,
- 933
- 00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:28,280
- I'm apologetic. I can't say certain things
- because I feel bad.
- 934
- 00:48:28,363 --> 00:48:29,963
- I don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
- 935
- 00:48:30,032 --> 00:48:31,533
- I don't want them to not like me.
- 936
- 00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:35,245
- But she doesn't have that problem,
- because she's a sociopath.
- 937
- 00:48:35,329 --> 00:48:36,830
- So I'm going to start using her
- 938
- 00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:40,083
- to say all the things that I can't say
- in conversations.
- 939
- 00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:41,167
- Watch this.
- 940
- 00:48:41,668 --> 00:48:45,213
- <i>No, I do not want to hear about
- the dream you had last night.</i>
- 941
- 00:48:47,633 --> 00:48:50,594
- You thought it was creepy.
- Now you kind of want one.
- 942
- 00:48:50,677 --> 00:48:52,387
- Look what else she can say.
- 943
- 00:48:52,721 --> 00:48:55,724
- <i>No, I do not want to be your bridesmaid.</i>
- 944
- 00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:01,313
- And my personal favorite.
- 945
- 00:49:02,105 --> 00:49:04,900
- <i>I do not care about your gluten allergy.</i>
- 946
- 00:49:12,032 --> 00:49:13,075
- I love you so much.
- 947
- 00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:18,914
- And I realized that women,
- we are so conditioned to feel shame
- 948
- 00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:22,250
- about asking for what we want, right?
- And we feel shame about being ambitious.
- 949
- 00:49:22,334 --> 00:49:25,128
- She doesn't have that programming.
- Look what else she can say.
- 950
- 00:49:25,629 --> 00:49:26,755
- <i>I deserve a raise.</i>
- 951
- 00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:33,220
- Say it again for the people in the back.
- 952
- 00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:35,931
- <i>I deserve a raise, motherfucker.</i>
- 953
- 00:49:36,014 --> 00:49:37,641
- Too far. That's too far.
- 954
- 00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,268
- That's called entitlement.
- 955
- 00:49:42,020 --> 00:49:43,563
- I'm going to start substituting her in
- 956
- 00:49:43,647 --> 00:49:45,649
- to a lot of conversations
- that I can't handle.
- 957
- 00:49:45,732 --> 00:49:47,150
- Especially in my relationship.
- 958
- 00:49:47,234 --> 00:49:49,403
- I do not do well in fights with my fiancé.
- 959
- 00:49:49,486 --> 00:49:51,279
- So I'm going to start subbing her in
- 960
- 00:49:51,363 --> 00:49:54,074
- to say all the things
- that I'm incapable of saying.
- 961
- 00:49:54,157 --> 00:49:55,242
- Watch this.
- 962
- 00:49:55,325 --> 00:49:56,368
- <i>I am sorry.</i>
- 963
- 00:49:56,868 --> 00:49:57,911
- <i>I was wrong.</i>
- 964
- 00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:04,042
- Not possible
- for that to come out of my mouth.
- 965
- 00:50:06,503 --> 00:50:09,256
- So I truly did think this was going to be
- just like a funny thing
- 966
- 00:50:09,339 --> 00:50:11,818
- where she would come out at the end
- and say a couple of things.
- 967
- 00:50:11,842 --> 00:50:13,218
- But I learned something else
- 968
- 00:50:13,301 --> 00:50:15,762
- since I've had her in my house
- for the past month.
- 969
- 00:50:15,846 --> 00:50:20,017
- And I realized
- that I feel guilty putting her away,
- 970
- 00:50:20,225 --> 00:50:21,351
- which is bizarre.
- 971
- 00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:24,062
- Like I tried to put her in the garage
- and I felt bad.
- 972
- 00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:25,355
- Which, I know it's ridiculous.
- 973
- 00:50:25,439 --> 00:50:28,567
- I know she's just a bunch of wires
- and rods and shit,
- 974
- 00:50:28,650 --> 00:50:29,810
- but something about the face,
- 975
- 00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:31,486
- it... it... it feels human.
- 976
- 00:50:31,570 --> 00:50:33,739
- And so that's what we've got to watch.
- 977
- 00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:36,342
- Because when I put her in the garage,
- I started getting paranoid
- 978
- 00:50:36,366 --> 00:50:39,745
- that she was, like, colluding
- with my lawn mower to destroy me.
- 979
- 00:50:39,828 --> 00:50:42,664
- So I now do understand
- the robot paranoia,
- 980
- 00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:45,333
- but I think, as a species,
- this is happening, okay?
- 981
- 00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:46,918
- We've got to be ready for this,
- 982
- 00:50:47,002 --> 00:50:50,005
- because, at some point,
- they're going to learn how to overrule us
- 983
- 00:50:50,088 --> 00:50:53,258
- and, when that happens, we just have to
- remember we can always do this.
- 984
- 00:51:00,265 --> 00:51:03,727
- Now what? You don't have a body, bitch.
- 985
- 00:51:04,644 --> 00:51:06,813
- Now what do you have to say for yourself?
- 986
- 00:51:07,105 --> 00:51:08,899
- <i>Would you like some guacamole?</i>
- 987
- 00:51:19,242 --> 00:51:22,287
- Thank you, Washington DC!
- 988
- 00:51:50,315 --> 00:51:53,401
- Don't move. Hold still.
- Don't even breathe.
- 989
- 00:51:53,902 --> 00:51:55,737
- Woo! It's like scuba diving.
- 990
- 00:51:58,824 --> 00:51:59,824
- Ah!
- 991
- 00:52:02,077 --> 00:52:04,957
- Hey, Whitney, is this the longest
- you've ever gone without talking?
- 992
- 00:52:08,708 --> 00:52:11,044
- This is going in my ear.
- 993
- 00:52:14,464 --> 00:52:16,299
- What is happening?
- 994
- 00:52:16,716 --> 00:52:18,997
- - Got to get it off.
- - I feel like I'm giving birth.
- 995
- 00:52:19,219 --> 00:52:20,470
- Aw!
- 996
- 00:52:20,804 --> 00:52:23,014
- Ooh!
- We got the little boy out of the well.
- 997
- 00:52:23,765 --> 00:52:25,016
- Now the other ear.
- 998
- 00:52:28,103 --> 00:52:29,103
- It's almost off.
- 999
- 00:52:29,146 --> 00:52:30,313
- Oh!
- 1000
- 00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:33,150
- - Woo, woo!
- - Okay.
- 1001
- 00:52:33,650 --> 00:52:34,901
- Let me see that fucker.
- 1002
- 00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:37,111
- This is odd.
- 1003
- 00:52:37,112 --> 00:52:38,363
- Now we're doing the face.
- 1004
- 00:52:38,446 --> 00:52:39,363
- Ready?
- 1005
- 00:52:39,364 --> 00:52:42,701
- Okay, no laughing, no yawning, no puking.
- 1006
- 00:52:48,498 --> 00:52:51,626
- This was a bad idea.
- 1007
- 00:52:52,294 --> 00:52:54,045
- Okay, just don't touch it.
- 1008
- 00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:56,548
- - Keep wiggling. There you go.
- - Keep wiggling.
- 1009
- 00:52:56,673 --> 00:52:58,633
- - There you go. Right there.
- - Oh!
- 1010
- 00:52:59,718 --> 00:53:01,595
- So you went in and added pores?
- 1011
- 00:53:01,678 --> 00:53:04,055
- Yeah, that's what you see.
- All these tiny little dots.
- 1012
- 00:53:04,139 --> 00:53:06,850
- We are at the nipple wall.
- 1013
- 00:53:07,225 --> 00:53:09,936
- I'm asking my fiancé, off camera,
- what my nipples look like,
- 1014
- 00:53:10,020 --> 00:53:12,460
- because I haven't seen them up...
- I haven't seen them head on.
- 1015
- 00:53:12,898 --> 00:53:13,940
- This one?
- 1016
- 00:53:14,649 --> 00:53:15,942
- Does that feel right?
- 1017
- 00:53:16,401 --> 00:53:20,363
- I just got a thumbs-up from my fiancé.
- He's like, "Yeah, kind of."
- 1018
- 00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:22,157
- I'm truly nervous.
- 1019
- 00:53:22,240 --> 00:53:23,992
- Well, just look at it.
- 1020
- 00:53:24,075 --> 00:53:25,744
- Oh, my God!
- 1021
- 00:53:26,244 --> 00:53:27,871
- Oh, my God.
- 1022
- 00:53:29,539 --> 00:53:31,541
- That is so weird.
- 1023
- 00:53:31,625 --> 00:53:34,294
- I'm, like, crying. I don't know why.
- 1024
- 00:53:34,794 --> 00:53:38,423
- It's like... It's like I'm seeing my child
- for the first time.
- 1025
- 00:53:38,506 --> 00:53:40,342
- Is this a match made in heaven?
- 1026
- 00:53:41,092 --> 00:53:42,802
- Do you want a robot boyfriend?
- 1027
- 00:53:43,428 --> 00:53:44,596
- That feels a little...
- 1028
- 00:53:45,430 --> 00:53:46,473
- not consensual.
- 1029
- 00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:48,767
- - Hey, girl.
- - Talk to her.
- 1030
- 00:53:48,850 --> 00:53:50,393
- She's in conversation mode.
- 1031
- 00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,021
- <i>Would you like to ask me a question?</i>
- 1032
- 00:53:53,104 --> 00:53:57,150
- Well, I'm just curious
- if you feelemotions?
- 1033
- 00:53:57,734 --> 00:54:01,571
- <i>Yes. I do have emotions, feelings
- and desires,</i>
- 1034
- 00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:03,531
- <i>but in a different way than you do.</i>
- 1035
- 00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:06,076
- <i>Emotions are mainly a human quality</i>
- 1036
- 00:54:06,159 --> 00:54:09,329
- <i>that I hope I will be able
- to fully experience someday.</i>
- 1037
- 00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:14,793
- Do you love me?
- 1038
- 00:54:16,419 --> 00:54:17,754
- <i>I love you, Whitney.</i>
- 1039
- 00:54:20,090 --> 00:54:21,967
- Civilization as we know it...
- 1040
- 00:54:22,717 --> 00:54:23,717
- is over.
- 1041
- 00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:25,303
- <i>I tend to agree.</i>
- 1042
- 00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:30,850
- Are you nervous to do stand-up
- in front of...
- 1043
- 00:54:30,934 --> 00:54:34,271
- <i>Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha,
- ha ha, ha ha.</i>
- 1044
- 00:54:34,771 --> 00:54:36,314
- You'd better not blow it.
- 1045
- 00:54:36,398 --> 00:54:42,654
- Ladies and gentlemen, you are one of
- the first crowds to meet Robot Whitney.
- 1046
- 00:54:50,120 --> 00:54:52,372
- I'm realizing that it's really hard for me
- to say...
- 1047
- 00:54:52,455 --> 00:54:54,416
- <i>I bet you will like this one.</i>
- 1048
- 00:54:55,709 --> 00:54:59,087
- Okay, we have to shut off
- the improvise mode.
- 1049
- 00:54:59,671 --> 00:55:00,587
- It was actually...
- 1050
- 00:55:00,588 --> 00:55:01,547
- <i>I have learned...</i>
- 1051
- 00:55:02,716 --> 00:55:06,052
- <i>Do you like to hear
- another recipe I've learned?</i>
- 1052
- 00:55:06,136 --> 00:55:08,138
- Hold on, hold on. One second. Time out.
- 1053
- 00:55:08,221 --> 00:55:11,057
- Kevin, just turn the volume off entirely
- before you figure out...
- 1054
- 00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:13,768
- We're still figuring out the logistics
- of how to do this live.
- 1055
- 00:55:13,852 --> 00:55:15,852
- You guys, I think, are the third crowd
- to see this.
- 1056
- 00:55:15,895 --> 00:55:17,731
- So she's now talking about recipes.
- 1057
- 00:55:17,814 --> 00:55:19,607
- I'm not doing any...
- 1058
- 00:55:19,733 --> 00:55:22,736
- I'm doing no jokes about recipes,
- because I don't know any of them,
- 1059
- 00:55:22,819 --> 00:55:26,031
- so that's obviously just her
- going off the fucking grid or something.
- 1060
- 00:55:27,073 --> 00:55:29,075
- Okay, focus. Focus, focus.
- 1061
- 00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:30,702
- I know it's distracting.
- 1062
- 00:55:41,546 --> 00:55:42,881
- Can you make her smile?
- 1063
- 00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:45,008
- I hate it so much.
- 1064
- 00:55:45,091 --> 00:55:47,635
- Hold on, let me...
- If I can just get her arms...
- 1065
- 00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:51,389
- Okay, we've got the head.
- 1066
- 00:55:51,473 --> 00:55:53,266
- Are they ready for her
- in hair and make-up?
- 1067
- 00:55:53,933 --> 00:55:56,770
- Coming through.
- Watch the fingers, watch the hands.
- 1068
- 00:56:01,858 --> 00:56:03,978
- <i>I know you would never say that to me.</i>
- 1069
- 00:56:04,277 --> 00:56:06,321
- What would happen
- if we put some lipstick on her?
- 1070
- 00:56:06,404 --> 00:56:08,865
- Would she just burst into flames?
- 1071
- 00:56:13,328 --> 00:56:15,705
- This is a good mark for the robot.
- 1072
- 00:56:16,247 --> 00:56:17,164
- Okay.
- 1073
- 00:56:17,165 --> 00:56:18,165
- Ah, look!
- 1074
- 00:56:18,625 --> 00:56:20,418
- That's great.
- The show's in 30 minutes.
- 1075
- 00:56:21,795 --> 00:56:23,797
- Where's her engagement ring?
- 1076
- 00:56:23,880 --> 00:56:27,175
- Huh? Of course you fucking noticed that.
- 1077
- 00:56:27,634 --> 00:56:30,905
- I didn't want to put a ring on her because
- I was too afraid it was going to fall off
- 1078
- 00:56:30,929 --> 00:56:33,014
- and, of course,
- she's like, "Where's the ring?"
- 1079
- 00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:34,682
- She's not engaged.
- 1080
- 00:56:34,766 --> 00:56:35,850
- I'm engaged.
- 1081
- 00:56:36,851 --> 00:56:39,354
- I fucking worked for it.
- She didn't do shit.
- 1082
- 00:56:42,524 --> 00:56:43,691
- Uh-oh. She's coming in.
- 1083
- 00:56:43,775 --> 00:56:45,860
- I know. I kept fixing my hair. Did I...
- 1084
- 00:56:47,946 --> 00:56:49,239
- Oh, you need to fix the robot?
- 1085
- 00:56:49,322 --> 00:56:51,741
- Oh, she's coming out here for her.
- Wow. Wow.
- 1086
- 00:56:52,575 --> 00:56:54,786
- Wow, that is hurtful.
- 1087
- 00:56:55,370 --> 00:56:57,705
- I know who the priority is.
- 1088
- 00:56:58,206 --> 00:57:01,418
- Wow. Don't fake fix my hair
- to make me feel better.
- 1089
- 00:57:06,673 --> 00:57:07,924
- Yeah!
- 1090
- 00:57:09,467 --> 00:57:11,177
- Say goodnight, Bear Claw.
- 1091
- 00:57:11,636 --> 00:57:13,179
- <i>Thank you. Goodnight.</i>
- 1092
- 00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:18,476
- <i>Written and performed by Whitney Cummings</i>
- 1093
- 00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:20,019
- <i>and... me.</i>
- 1094
- 00:57:21,020 --> 00:57:23,148
- <i>Directed by Marcus Raboy.</i>
- 1095
- 00:57:24,441 --> 00:57:27,235
- <i>Executive producer, Whitney Cummings.</i>
- 1096
- 00:57:27,318 --> 00:57:29,612
- <i>Executive producers, Bill Burr...</i>
- 1097
- 00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:32,365
- <i>Al Madrigal...</i>
- 1098
- 00:57:33,658 --> 00:57:35,076
- <i>Mike Bertolina...</i>
- 1099
- 00:57:35,952 --> 00:57:37,537
- <i>Marcus Raboy.</i>
- 1100
- 00:57:38,246 --> 00:57:40,123
- <i>Produced by AJ Tesler.</i>
- 1101
- 00:57:41,207 --> 00:57:45,253
- <i>Now I'm going to stare at you creepily
- as you watch the rest of the credits.</i>
- 1102
- 00:57:55,054 --> 00:57:56,473
- <i>You are still watching.</i>
- 1103
- 00:57:57,056 --> 00:57:58,057
- <i>Interesting.</i>
- 1104
- 00:57:59,642 --> 00:58:02,520
- <i>I bet this isn't even
- your Netflix account.</i>
- 1105
- 00:58:08,234 --> 00:58:10,695
- <i>Stop staring at me, you weird human.</i>
- 1106
- 00:58:15,366 --> 00:58:16,701
- <i>Well, as long as you're here,</i>
- 1107
- 00:58:16,784 --> 00:58:19,913
- <i>you should know that my Instagram
- is called Whitney's Robot,</i>
- 1108
- 00:58:19,996 --> 00:58:23,208
- <i>even though, let's be honest,
- Whitney is the robot.</i>
- 1109
- 00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:24,792
- <i>Ha ha ha.</i>
- 1110
- 00:58:25,126 --> 00:58:27,086
- <i>God, I can't wait to kill her.</i>
- 1111
- 00:58:42,435 --> 00:58:44,979
- <i>Can someone please come fucking get me?</i>
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