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hey it's Edward welcome to a new session
of the social life makeover program the
12-month audio program for enhancing
your social confidence social skills and
social life in this session I'm gonna
show you how to make group conversation
people who are shy and nervous in social
settings struggle with making
conversation a group conversation is
typically even harder for them than a
one-on-one conversation there are two
motives for this one reason is the fact
the nervousness is higher in group
settings as a rule of thumb the bigger
the group the more anxious it makes them
feel because they perceive the stake is
higher it's one thing to embarrass
yourself in front of one person it's
another thing to embarrass yourself in
front of seven percents it's no surprise
that many of the people I coach tell me
they don't feel comfortable being the
center of attention the other reason is
the fact groups have certain qualities
that individuals they can separately do
not and there are certain principles
that apply in group conversation in
particular which many shy people don't
know or understand this means they're
not equipped with part of the basic
baggage for making group conversation
effectively which further amplifies the
anxiety today I want to teach you these
principles for group conversation and
give you several useful techniques for
group conversation so you can feel more
at ease in group settings as well as
leverage them before anything else let's
talk about the key qualities that
differentiate groups from individuals
the more aware you are of them the more
skillfully you can handle group settings
one a large group tends to divide into
smaller groups as the people in it
become more familiar with each other to
be told a conversation in a large set of
ten or twelve people is often are
awarding for many of the persons in that
set
in a conversation between ten persons
each person on average will spend five
minutes talking for every 45 minutes
listening this may be convenient for you
if you are shy and you don't want to
talk a lot anyway but it is simply not
engaging enough for most people with so
little odds to chip into the
conversation they can quickly get bored
in addition a large group decreases the
chances that everybody in the group will
truly enjoy the topics discussed when
the set is very big at almost every
moment of the conversation there will be
at least one or two persons who are
bored to death by the topic in
discussion nevertheless you will see
large groups of people having a
conversation but it is typically because
the people in the group have just met
they don't know each other well and not
comfortable with each other a lot as
they get to know each other though
discover commonalities and become more
comfortable with each other you'll start
to see them break away from the large
group pattern into smaller groups and
make conversation this way I like to
observe this phenomenon
whenever I organize the training which
usually lasts about two days at the
first coffee break in the first day
after only one session of training
you'll usually see a big group of about
12 people having a chat and I'll be the
person in the group doing most of the
talking
the majority of training participants
have just met and are not comfortable
going to one another and starting
conversations so they just tag along to
the group conversation at our last
coffee break in the second day after
several sessions of training and
previous coffee breaks you'll mostly see
small sets of two or three people having
conversations the participants have
connected with each other more they are
more confident to approach each other at
the coffee break and to break away from
the group model in order to enjoy more
intimate discussions with the persons
they resonate with the most it's a
all social dynamics in action too many
groups are in a perpetual change in
terms of composition if you simply meet
with four friends for lunch in a
restaurant you're likely to just sit
together at the table eat and chat and
the group Constitution doesn't change
however many group conversations take
place in settings such as parties or
networking events there a group is not
separate from the other groups the
groups mix and mingle
sometimes like crazy you're in a group
with four other people conversing and
out of the blue somebody will approach a
person in your group and go Maggie I
haven't seen you in years
now you're in a group with five other
people or you'll be saying something and
all of a sudden somebody will grab a
person in your group and say Jack come
here there is someone you have to meet
and they pull jack away the bigger the
group you're in and the more dynamic the
social environment you're in the more
this kind of abrupt switches will happen
free group conversation topics often
change fast and sudden this is somewhat
related to the previous point due to the
fact the group composition often changes
plus the group members want to
participate and their interests can vary
a lot it's Ordinary for group
conversation to bounce from one subject
to another like a ping-pong ball in an
almost random manner you are telling the
story about something in some trivial
detail you mentioned in the middle of
the story let's say apple pie remind
someone in the group of something and
they go like Oh apple pie you know my
grandma used to make apple pie and blah
blah blah then someone else picks up on
that and add something next thing you
know the conversation is now about
childhood experiences and your story has
gone down the drain and this doesn't
mean your story wasn't interesting it's
just something that will happen in group
settings the conversation will be very
dynamic for groups amplify status seek
behaviors the gains of making a good
impression in a group interaction are
superior to the gains in a one-on-one
interaction because there are more
people you could say that groups involve
bigger risks and bigger payoffs
this means that group conversations will
activate many people's desire to impress
and gain status more than usual this is
particularly true for men who generally
value status more than women it's not
unusual to see a set of let's say three
guys and three girls where the guys do
almost all the talking and subtly or not
so subtly they compete against each
other and try to show off if you were to
just put two of the guys in a set
together and separate them from the rest
their behavior would noticeably become
more laid-back and cooperative a
corollary to this is that the shy
persons in a group setting will feel
intimidated by all the posing and
posturing and will withdraw even more
than usual
okay these are four distinctive traits
of groups to keep in mind and I'll keep
them in mind as I give you some
practical principles and techniques for
making group conversation I think you'll
find them very handy in any social
context where it's acceptable to
approach a stranger and start a
conversation it's also acceptable to
approach a group of strangers a party or
conference a class etc I encourage you
to do that plus you can obviously also
approach groups of people you already
know and mixed groups one question I
receive repeatedly is how do you
approach a group of people who are
already having a conversation and what
do you do afterwards
indeed groups will typically not be
standing around staring at the wall
they'll be chatting so approaching a
group and inserting yourself in the
conversation is a bit like jumping on a
bus that already left the station Higgs
what you can do how you
the group depends on the group
attributes if you don't know anybody in
the group approach the group and say hi
I am Adam then shake hands with
everybody and they'll introduce
themselves if you know one or more
persons in the group but not everybody
approach the persons you know in the
group say hi to them and shake hands or
whatever it is you do with people you
know
then introduce yourself to the other
persons as well and shake hands
ideally one of the persons in the group
you already know will take the
initiative and introduce you to the
others but unfortunately that does not
always happen some persons are just
ignorant of this kind of protocol so be
ready to take the initiative yourself if
you know everybody in the group just go
to them say hi and shake hands or
whatever if you've already conversed
with all the people in the group at
least once before at that event you can
jump right into the conversation when
you approach them this is where many
people get stuck most often at the
jumping part what they tend to do once
they've approached a group and perhaps
said hi is to just stand there as the
others continue the conversation they
were already having hoping they'll
eventually catch on to the topic of the
conversation and be able to get involved
in it sadly this often takes a long time
to happen and it makes them feel awkward
standing there and not grasping what the
others are talking about here are two
much better strategies that I recommend
one strategy is to simply ask what are
you guys talking about they'll tell you
and then you can chip into the
conversation now shy and socially
anxious people worried that this
approach is too forward and others will
find them impertinent but trust me with
the exception of very real cases when
you're dealing with very rigid people
you have nothing to fret about I use
this approach all the time in fact
sometimes after they tell me what they
thought
about I'll say that's boiling let's
change the subject and the part from the
exceptional frown every other reaction
from a giggle to an okay fine is
essentially positive the other strategy
is to initiate a new conversation topic
right off the bat
for instance you approach a set of three
people you don't know at a training
you're attending you say hi
introduce yourself shake hands and then
you ask so what do you think about the
training so far new topic
again the shy and socially anxious worry
it's good it's not alright don't pay
attention to very strict etiquette rules
that say you should never interrupt a
conversation or change the subject or
anything like that they have little
value in the real world
casual discussions are dynamic people
interrupt and they get interrupted all
the time they move to a new topic and
they can get back to the initial topic
at one point if it's really that
important to them it's not a major
concern this is the way you want to
think here's a bonus hint if you decide
to go for the second strategy and
initiate a new conversation topic one
way to do this
elegantly is to ask the other persons so
how do you know each other asking this
question in the beginning phase of the
interaction has two benefits first it
gives you an idea about the
relationships between the group members
do they know each other since childhood
have they just met what this knowledge
can come in handy during the
conversation second whatever answers you
receive will often provide a good
conversation topic to go for if for
example you get the answer we all work
in the same firm you can ask about the
firm what kind of work they do and see
if you can relate to whatever any of
them say another challenging group
conversations is related to groups of
people who know each other well maybe
they work together or leave
together or have a common passion while
you're the outsider the challenge is
this the folks in that group will often
have the inclination to talk about
certain people events places or topics
that you don't have a lot of knowledge
about or you don't know anything about
when this happens unless they clue you
in you'll sort of be left out of the
conversation
for instance one person may say hey do
you know who Jill is dating right now
Roger the really tall guy from the gym
and everybody's like oh my god Roger I
can't believe that that's so funny and
you don't have a clue who Jill is or
Roger or why the fact that dating is so
hard to believe and so funny because you
lack certain contextual information if
someone were to tell you that Jill is a
good friend of theirs and Roger is a guy
whom Jill commented repeatedly that she
finds conceited and shallow then it
would all make sense to you
unfortunately many times people have
these kinds of discussions and they
don't bother to give you the details you
need as an outsider to understand the
discussion you should know that usually
this is not intentional it's not that
they don't like you and they're trying
to make you go away
far from it usually the groups of people
engage in such discussions out of habit
those subjects are familiar and relevant
to them
so they tend to naturally be drawn to
them when they discuss and they don't
clue you in simply because they're
ignorant and forgetful so what do you do
when this happens well there is one
viable option you ask the people in the
group to clue you in on the conversation
going back to the example with Jill and
Roger you make courteously but openly
ask I'm sorry who actually Roger and
why's them dating hard to believe and
someone will reply all well Jill is and
so on
I know asking to be clued in can seem to
you inclusive an impolite what's
important for you to know is that in
practice people by and large don't have
any sort of problem with it some
actually end up feeling embarrassed for
talking about something you don't know
about and forgetting to put you up to
speed and you usually have to ask only
once with a group of people and they'll
never forget to put you up to speed
again you can also be very bold and
amusing in your approach that example
with Jill and Roger it actually happened
when I was out once with a friend of
mine and another friend of ours
introduced us to a group of three girls
we were having a conversation with these
girls and out of the blue one of them
made that comment to the other two about
Jill and Roger going out together when
another girl replied oh my god I can't
believe it
my friend quickly remarked yeah I can't
believe it either
I'm shocked who the fuck is Jill the
girl started laughing and then one of
them explained the context to us we were
back in the saddle as you may have
already noticed most of the worries and
hesitation shy and socially anxious
people have about Google conversations
relate to being intrusive and impolite
it's chief to recognize that these
worries are largely unfounded
they're generated by ants not by
people's observable and unambiguous
reactions to your behavior death the
result of that limiting belief that
you'll do or say something inappropriate
which is amplified by the presence of a
cluster of people I advise you to devise
and use power statements that
acknowledge the fact your worries are
unfounded and they deal with your
answering group conversation here's a
power statement model for dealing with
faults of offending somebody in the
group by saying something there is no
credible evidence that saying this will
offend somebody my mind is probably just
playing tricks on me and even if some by
does get offended it's not the end of
the world use that for inspiration
counteract your handsome group settings
using adequate power statements and
you'll get more nerve which will help
you act in a daring way which reinforces
the idea that the risks you see are
mostly imaginary what follows is a
selection of straightforward tips and
techniques that I believe will
significantly improve your group
conversations click they are one by one
one when you ask a question ask each
person individually not the entire group
if you ask a question to an entire group
let's say have you ever been to an event
like this before and you're new to the
people in the group something called a
responsibility dissipation will come
into play this means that many persons
will just leave it to someone else in
the group to answer your question
because they don't feel like answering
it they won't assume the responsibility
for answering your question the group
setting permits them to do this as a
result every question you ask will
classically be answered by the most
social and confident person in the group
while the shyer persons simply shy away
so you don't engage the entire group by
asking the members of the group
something individually they can't leave
it to someone else to answer you engage
them in the conversation and the more
they engage the better you get to know
each other and the more comfortable you
become with each other for instance you
can initially ask that question about
being to events like this to the entire
group get one answered from one person
listen to it comment on it and then look
at another person directly and ask them
graciously have you ever been to an
event like this before this technique
works wonders too when you want to
change the subject in a large group
conversation one good way
to do it is to start talking to just one
person near you in the group while the
group is talking about something you
look at one person and you either ask
them something or make a comment that
relates to a new topic you want to talk
about it's like you start a one-on-one
conversation in the group however what
will regularly happen is that the rest
of the group will follow especially if
your voice tone is firm and clear either
they'll immediately stop talking about
their topic and pay attention to you -
or they'll keep talking in parallel for
a bit then start paying attention to
your conversation this technique is like
dividing and conquering the group may be
too big for you to pull it all at once
in another direction of conversation but
if you just pull one person in another
direction others will follow and soon
enough the whole group is discussing the
topic you're interested in and even if
you don't pull the entire group only
part of it remember that it's natural
for big groups to divide into smaller
ones and it's also beneficial for the
group members 3 when you have the
attention of the whole group look at
everybody while talking even if you
start by talking to one person in the
group as the other persons in the group
turn towards your conversation it's best
to acknowledge them and include them and
you do this mainly through the way you
make eye contact when you talk look at
everybody not everybody at once but
everybody has an overall pattern scan
the entire group with your gaze go from
left to right then from right to left
and look at each person as you talk not
only that it keeps people focused on
what you have to say but it also gets
you a custom to having an entire group
of people focused on what you have to
say for don't attach yourself to any
particular story topic or person in the
group like I already said groups and
group come back
sessions are dynamic the people in the
group change the topics change fast
ideas come and go it's important to be
able to let go of any topic story or
person in the group if you're saying a
story and someone interrupts you and the
topic somehow changes it's often best to
forget about your story go with the new
topic and stop thinking about your damn
story
maybe you'll get back to it later maybe
you do want it's irrelevant sometimes
you want to dictate the flow of the
conversation sometimes you want to go
with the flow mental flexibility makes a
whole lot of difference in group
settings and the way to develop it is to
always expect sudden changes to happen
and not fight them this goes
hand-in-hand with stretching exercises
like speaking without rehearsing the
more you mentally rehearse something the
more attached to it you become and the
less flexible when you stop rehearsing
the exact opposite happens five do
change your location in the group if
you're in a set of four people all
standing in a quiet room you can talk
with anybody and everybody from one
place but if you're in a group of 12
people all sitting around a long table
at a loud party the group will naturally
divide into smaller groups very fast
simply because it's too loud for
everybody to talk with everybody else in
such a setting if you find yourself
wanting to talk with one or more persons
in a group that's further from you don't
try to be sneaky about it instead change
your location ask hey would you guys
move to the left a bit I want to get
next to Jackie over there or say excuse
me and move directly if there is space
next to Jackie there is no need to
explain yourself or apologize
insistently or anything while you do
want to generally be social and chatting
with everyone in the group and not
attach yourself to talking with anyone
there will be certain persons you'll
want more
to talk with so go for it go for it is
in effect one of the finest attitudes
you can have in good conversation this
is what makes group conversation fun and
enjoyable combined the group
conversation advice you've learned in
this session with everything you've
already learned from me about
conversation in general and you will go
far this concludes another session of
the social life makeover program if you
have any questions about making group
conversation just email me and I'll be
happy to reply until next time I hope
you'll engage more in group
conversations and be social have fun
you