Blarg

Well yesterday I cried 3 times, whatever. Crying is going to be the new norm it seams, I really fucked up I wanted to be funny so I @everyone on Discord and people got mad. I think I am going to stay away from Twitter and Discord for a bit, because I don't want to be yelled at. :(

I think that burst of confidence was temporary, I did some thinking of about my life. I thought about the alternate version of me would be doing had I never joined Discord or even started watching Twitch, I think I probably would have came out regardless, but it would have been later. Sometimes I feel like I should have never come out and what my life would be like had I not done that, probably would feel just the same or worse.

Yea I do feel loved by some people, but still like I feel like all I do is make everyone around me mad at me. In order to succeed you have to fail a lot, I failed a lot. In reality I feel like I didn't amount to anything, all I got is this certificate that I will never use and it has my old name on it so meh.

I really do want a do over, like I want to be in a new area where no one knows me and they don't know the old me and I can just be the current me. Is the current me even worth it though?

2 Saturdays in a row I felt bad, hope this isn't a trend, but it probably is. In actuality I don't even know if I would be alive in 5 years time, because I could be gone and no one would even know or have any hints about it.

I feel like I could end up like one of those girls that no one knew was depressed until it was too late, but no one bothered to even care to find out. Like I doubt I would end things, because I wouldn't be able to do it, but I think I if the worst comes I would give up all self preservation.

I don't even know why I am typing dark like this, because honestly I am not at the lowest point of my life. In reality I am still way better than where I was in November, because then I was really given up on everything. Right now I still have things to look forward to and in reality I still feel cute and look attractive, but my outer appearance only goes so far. My internal feelings matter more and like one of the worst things to feel is when people are mad at me and no amount of apology can do jack shit.

Will I get better? Yea, I can say for sure that this feeling of sadness is temporary and will not last a huge amount of time. Sad though, that the Gardevoir plush gives me such great comfort and I love her a lot. The plush makes me feel good when I cuddle it and it is soft and the texture is nice. When every thing is down Gardy is around, I feel Gardy essence and make me feel comfort, I love her, she is the best plushie I have.

I don't really like wearing green as a color, but maybe I would wear a shirt with her on it or something.

I wish I could be alone, like in this house and eat and do things without people being concerned and asking me stuff. That is one thing I really want right now is for like everyone to be gone for like a few hours so I can just be to myself and not worry about people trying to do things for me.

Sure I like when people do things for me, but it gets annoying and I like to just have people back off and give me space. I feel suffocated when I constantly have people physically around me.

Also not to be rude or mean, I feel like after I made those friends on Discord my who schedule got messed up, I used to watch Easy, Punisher, The Office, and have time for Switch and Youtube watching. After I made those friends my attention has been given to the server and I feel bad for just abandoning the stuff I was doing before, because I wanted to just do things alone and not focus solely on one thing.

I am a bad friend and honestly it baffles me when people say I have likable traits. The strangest thing is when someone tells me I am their type, because I am not even my own type. I would never date myself, because the person I want to be around or date kinda has to be more emotionally stable than me and is able to bring me out of my shell. Like I have nothing to offer anyone in a relationship, all I can offer is compliments and cuddles.

Dafuq? Psychetruth just uploaded a video called "12 Neurological Tricks to Balance the Brain for Anxiety, Hormones, and Mood. That feels like it is trying to get my attention, I don't want to watch it.

Sometimes I just want to scream and say that "I am not OK!" Seriously I feel like I have become Narcissa, Sqronce, and Nekohime all in one. Like I keep seeing myself do things that either of those people would have done or said. I feel weird, like I have no personal identity, all I ever do is just do what other people have done. Even when I think I am doing something of my own I think that it is something someone else would have done and it is too ingrained into me.

Don't feel bad for me, don't pretend to like me, forget about me if you really don't care. I don't want people who are just trying to congratulate themselves for trying to help and not actually care about how I feel. I already said many times before that I am not a good person, but I am not a bad person. I might be leaning more towards good than bad on the scale, but I am not anywhere near being a good person.

In order to help someone else you have to help yourself first, well guess I can never help anyone else, because I have to help myself. The best way to help myself is to just stop letting people tell me what to do and how to do it, because I need to find my own path and my own way to take it.