Dulls puns 2018-08-13

I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.#"It sucks working from home today." Peter (52), Fireman#What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.#Why are there fences on graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.#Want to hear a pun about ghosts? That's the spirit!#A croquette is a flirtatious female frog.#I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around.#It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.#Let me FILL you in on my trip to the dentist.#Why are the Al-Bhed weary of the Yevonites? They're afraid they Maester up some trouble.#A cell ran into the end table and yelled "mytoechondria!"#Why did Tidus and crew ruin Yuna's wedding? They wanted to get a better Valefor her.#When I had my PlayStation stolen, my family were there to console me.#A guy goes to a club; the bouncer stops him. "No tie, no entry." He walks back to his car to find a tie. All he found were jumper cables so he puts them around his neck like a tie. He goes back and says "How's this?" The bouncer says "I'll let you in, but don't start anything."#Why is Kimahri usually silent? He tends to find that nothing needs to Besaid.#What happened to the rich guy with the double chin? He made a four chin.#What do you call Samsung's security guards? Guardians of the Galaxy.#The Pokeband Durant Durant made top-selling charts with their hot new single "All you need is Mew"#What did Tidus's dad say to his mom when he was born? "Sorry, honey! Gotta Jecht!"#Pig puns are so boaring.#When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.#What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips.#Why is Kylo Ren so angry? Beause he’s always Ben Solo.#Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.#I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.#Why couldn't Yuna summon her aeons? She lacked Fayth.#A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."#Learning to sleep upside down is often hard for baby bats, but they soon get the hang of it.#Why are the Ronso fans of the United States? Because they are Yenke Doodle Dandys!#Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds!#A sports coat worn on a hike is a trailblazer.#Whiteboards ... are remarkable.#Why is Rikku always insistent in using her overdrives when others are in battle? She wants to get in on the Mix.#I would tell you a joke about squirrels, but you would go nuts.#How do trees access the internet? They log on.#Suitable advertising slogan for a fish packing plant: 'Yes, we can!'#Ralph was kicked off the skydiving team because he couldn't chute straight.#The linen shop gave their employees free bedding. Even their accountant had his own handmade spread sheet.#Circling vultures are a dead giveaway.#What happened when the magician got mad? She pulled her hare out!#Deaf mathematicians communicate through sin language.#My Sister was crying so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.#I accepted a Knight shift job to become a security guard.#I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.#My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.#I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.#Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.#I saw an ad in a shop window, "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full", I thought, "I can't turn that down".#These puns have left me Wheezing with laughter#What did Cid say when he found out his wife was pregnant with his first child? "Oh, Brother!"#A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me so I asked him to leave me a loan.#A man was arrested for strangling women's headwear accessories. When asked why, he said "I just had to chocobo."#Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.#Why were other people against Issaru having his younger brother as a guardian? Because that trend was so Pacce.#Things get tense when the future, the present, and the past walk into a shady bar.#I turn on my Charmander pants come right off#The man who ate too many eggs was considered to be an egg-oholic.#So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!#Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.#A backwards poem writes inverse.#When kissing flowers, tulips are better than one.#I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.#How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.#Why was the tree excited about the future? It was ready to turn over a new leaf!#My friends say they don’t like skeleton puns. I should put more backbone into them.#When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.#A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.#The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.#Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker. I used to look up to him.#Why couldn't Tidus get along with his father? He lacked the sin-ergy.#Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.#I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.#After months of searching, they finally found the Sunkern ship 449#What should you do if you are cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.#I decided not to go to Pisa, but I was leaning towards it.#Machamp's gonna Throh you some puns#That reckless little egg always seems to egg-celerate when he sees the light turn yellow.#I nearly drowned yesterday. It was a breathtaking experience.#He was a great mathematician, although he did leave naught behind for his family.#He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.#I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.#My favourite travel destination is Paras#I slept like a log whilst on night duty and I was axed when I woke up.#What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.#The leopard tried creeping up on the tigers using its camouflage but it was spotted.#Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.#Two lambs are in a meadow. Which one frequents a casino? The one that's gambolling.#My idea for a hovercraft robot vacuum cleaner never really took off.#Who said grapes are soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of wine.#A cowbell is what you call a lovely Southern cow.#What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.#I can cut wood by looking at it. Trust me I saw it with my own eyes.#What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.#Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.#Could you call me on my Phione?#In very large sponge colonies in the ocean, there's a soaker born every minute.#What do you call a snake that studies past events? A hissssstorian#Old math professors never die, they just reduce their functions.#My favourite anime, Deaf Note, is about young Beethoven facing the infamous Mozart in a battle of music.#He wears glasses during math because it improves division.#I cannot Bayleef it is not butter! Guess that means it's Butterfree.#My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.#Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.#A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.Luckily he still made the cast.#These puns raised Mesprit a bit#I thought I saw a spider on my laptop, but my friend said it was just a bug.#Old programmers never die, they just can't C as well.#What's a time traveler's favourite game? A Link to the Past#I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it's hard to understand him - he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!#Why was Kimahri kicked out of the Ronso band? Because he was horn-less.#Mail order cows were first shipped by raft down the Mississippi River. They traveled on cattle logs.#What did the girl say when she was accused of singing in class? "It's not me! It's hymn!"#How does Ixion's anthem begin? "Djose can you see..."#After spotting a hole in the net, the bluefin knew it was his oppurtunaty to escape.#I thought I saw a leopard but it was just a dotted line.#Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.#I used to be a lifeguard, but I couldn't keep my head above water.#Why are the Al-Bhed misunderstood? People think they are wanting to make war when they would rather be machina pun instead.#Why can't you trust Satan's resume? The devil lies in the details.#You will address me as "Sir", because Omanyte of the round table#What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.#Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!#A mathematician who was also a horticulturist was interested in prime roots square roots and trees in general.#What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.#Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.#Why did Tidus start hitting himself when he woke up in the morning? He had a case of Bad Breath.#What does every Moogle need in the morning? A Kup-o coffee.#What do fish use to make telephone calls? – A shell-phone!#If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?#This stream never makes me Drowzee#Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.#What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.#Bookkeepers are problems for libraries.#I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.#Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.#What's a Titan's favorite meal? Raw-men#A mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace#Hanging out with skyscraper builders is so boring! It's story after story.#Why do grizzlies never look sad? Because whenever there's a problem, they just grin and bear it.#I had a real problem making a hard-boiled egg this morning until I cracked it.#I never understood odorless chemicals, they never make scents.#It takes a lot of Braviary to utter a pun#I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.#Some mathematicians are reluctant to cosine a loan.#A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.#Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"#Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!#I just found an origami porn channel, but it is paper view only.#I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite… He said NaBrO#Why is the navy full of anime fans? Because they love subs.#This business Metang was very productive#What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.#Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled.#I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.#If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom?#The key to job searching is looking inside yourself. It's all about the inner view.#Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.#The math teacher was an exponent of his own powers.#Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.#There’s no place like 127.0.0.1#Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!#The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner,there were strings attached.#Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na#Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.#I sat next to a man on the park bench. He had 9 watches on one wrist and 5 in the other. I said man "you sure do have a lot of time on your hands."#My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with the vengeance I told him "oh yeah we'll see about that!"#When I took first place in the sewing competition, I thought that I had better quilt while I was ahead.#A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.#A group of termites marches into a saloon and ask: “Is the bar tender here?”#What did the chicken farmer say to the Chocobo Eater? "I don't want you eating Mi'ihens!"#On land crabs tend to use the sidewalk.#If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.#Audino any more good puns#Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.#What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.#Why does the man want to buy nine rackets? Cause tennis too many.#Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!#My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.#You know what happens after you miss math class? It starts adding up.#Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.#It takes guts to make a sausage.#Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.#Why couldn't the pig see his house? He had a sty in his eye.#A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."#Rabbit relationships are based on a financial transaction. If he's got the doe she gets a buck.#He became a math teacher due to some prime factors.#What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together? CSI#I'm not gonna Raichu a love song#Tree trimmers do such a fantastic job, they should take a bough.#About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.#I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.#Are you sick? I heard you Koffing from the other room#There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.#How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.#A butcher was trying so hard to be funny, but he just wasn't making the cut.#A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!#Snakes Swallot their prety whole#How do mountains see? They peak.#When a wasp started to come after me, I made a beeline for the exit.#This is not alcohol, water you thinking?!#Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia?#When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.#Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.#A hydrologist has a high-pressure job.#I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up.#She asked Furret.#I asked Kermit the Frog what he was hunting for. He said, 'Rabbit, rabbit.'#What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.#Math class is full of drama. There are so many problems to work out.#Why did Lulu never use chapstick? Because she was a fan of having Chappu lips.#If you said you were from South America, I would not Bolivia.#I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.#What did Tidus say when he got another history lesson over Spira? "You're Maechen me confused!"#Old artists never retire they withdraw!#Television sets in Britain have to cross the English Channel.#Why does Tidus live in a boathouse. Because he's from Zan-ARK-and.#The first order of priority in hiring math majors is get them to sine on the dotted line#How did Jesus' crucifixion save us? It's 'cause he nailed it!#When your internet provider goes bankrupt it's a 'net loss.#I've failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.#Pigs flying is an example of swine flew.#Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.#The candle quit his job because he felt burned out.#Abrupt appearance of sinkholes is ground breaking news for media men!#Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.#I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.#Learning to sleep upside down is often hard for baby bats, but they soon get the hang of it.#Proper punctuation can make the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.#What do dogs do after they finish obedience school? They get their masters.#If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee.#I don't know any puns I Giratina#The best time to open a gift is the present.#What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.#Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.#When the spammer's computer exploded, it blew him to kingdom.com.#What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? HeHe#A construction worker walks into a rebar, then he did it again.#There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.#The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.#I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience.#I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.#I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.#I named my goldfish Einstein. He's a great finker.#What top does an astronaut wear to the moon? Apollo shirt.#My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.#I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.#It's no easy tusk to make a walrus pun!#I know a mathematician who could not afford to eat. He could binomial.#After manually rotating the heavy machinery, the worker grew very cranky.#How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.#Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15˚C and still be 0k?#What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.#My wild cat ran away last week. I put up posters in our neighborhood so that others can help me find the missing lynx.#The man put his name on the neck of his shirt so he would have collar ID.#Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.#Have you seen the story of Braska's journey through the spheres Jecht left behind? It "shapes" up real nicely.#I read a book about gravity, it was a heavy subject.#Dunsparce's evolution should be named Dunplenty#Why do the people enjoy the Maesters? They find them in-SPIRA-tional.#How do fish keep up with what's going on? They listen to the current news.#Why was dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.#Don't Weedle in more Pokémon puns into this conversation#A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".#How do mountains see? They peak.#Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.#You know why I like egg puns? They crack me up!#Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.#These puns have my Seel of approval#My horse was on the small side, so I decided to make him larger. I used a broncodilator.#Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: "Beef Jerky!"#The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.#37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court. They will be sentenced next Friday.#When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.#Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer.#A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.#What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.#The mathematician worked at home because he only functioned in his domain.#Let me Raichu some puns.#I hate peer pressure and you should too.#What do you call a french pig? Porque.#When milking a nervous goat, kid gloves should be used.#Have you heard about the film "Constipation", you probably haven't because it's not out yet.#How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.#The doors just broke, I could fix it, but it hinges on other things.#I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.#What's a pirate's favourite pokemon? Gengarrr!#Who is Fozzie Bear's favorite FFX character? Wakka Wakka!#Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink.#The chickens were distraught when the tornado destroyed their home. Hopefully they will be able to recoup.#I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.#The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything"#How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.#Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.#How does Kagome wash her clothes? Inuwasha#Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who visited 30 different countries and spoke 6 languages? He was a man of many cultures.#My computer is so slow it hertz.#The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick.#I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.#Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!#This morning I was wondering where the sun was, but then it dawned on me.