LEONARDO DECAPRICO FINALLY WINS HIS AWARD AND IT POUNDS HIM IN THE BUTT By Chuck Tingle (part 1)

	There are a lot of things about fame that make life easier, but there are just as many that make it much, much more difficult.
	On the positive side, I rarely have to make a reservation anywhere; simply showing up at a restaurant guarantees me a seat at even the finest establishments. In fact, forget restaurants all together, someone in my position can pretty much get whatever they want, whenever they want it. If I walk into a store and the owner recognizes me, I’ll probably be able to take away any items on the house, or at least as a substantial discount.
	Its just good business for them. After all, who wouldn’t want their products photographed around town being enjoyed by the world famous actor, Leonardo Decaprico.
	Of course, the constant swarm of paparazzi invading your life left and right is one of the many negatives in all of this, and that lack of privacy can really get you down in ways that the average person would never even think of.
	It certainly makes it difficult to relax, always reminding yourself to not sit the wrong way or make a weird face. You never know when one of those tiny cameras is going to pop out of the nearby bushes and start snapping away. They always use the least flattering shot, too, because that’s what sells magazines.
	But the worst part about being under constant public scrutiny is that, no matter now successful you are overall, your few failures will always be amplified and on display for the entire world to see.
	After all, what’s more of a failure than the man who can have anything he want’s not getting the one thing that he truly needs, an award for most handsome buckaroo.
	The Academy of Handsome Buckaroos is a powerful and deep rooted organization, formed over sixty years ago as a way for the Hollywood elite to congratulate themselves on their own handsomeness. It quickly became a tradition to vote on which actor or actress was the most handsome, which films were the cutest, and who had the nicest butt.
	It’s been years since then, and the Handsome Buckaroo Awards have done nothing but grow over time, eventually turning into the behemoth entertainment juggernaut that they are today. Now, anyone who wants to be taken seriously in this town and officially recognized as a true handsome buckaroo is going to need a little help from the academy. Specifically, to be awarded with one of those tiny gold statues that lets the whole world know, once in for all, you are a handsome man.
	Herein lies the problem. Despite the fact that I am a well liked, talented and incredibly famous actor, I still don’t have an award of my own. I’ve been nominated more times than I can count, but for some reason or another I always seem to have the trophy snatched away from me at the last second by some other dark horse nominee.
	I’ve been through all of the stages of grief already.
	First I was in denial, assuming that there must me some kind of mistake in which the ballots were being counted. Surely, a man as handsome as I am couldn’t possibly be coming in second place this many times, my heart broken over and over again on those fateful nights when the winner was called out and it wasn’t me. Clearly, fraud or conspiracy must have been the culprit, I would think, but eventually I came to teams with the fact that this entire train of thought is utterly ridiculous. The votes are counted by a completely independent firm, free from any tampering.
	Next comes anger, which I will readily admit was not a pleasant time in my life. The photos will still haunt me, my bright red sports car crashed into the side of a hotel on the Sunset Strip, smoke rising up from the wreckage as me and two gorgeous strippers stumble out amid the strobing camera flashes.
	I have never been more self-destructive than I was back then, but eventually the stage of bargaining came around to set me straight. Suddenly, I was trying to plan my next move as methodically as possible, only accepting film roles that could put me in the position to be incredibly, incredibly handsome. Of course, the academy can see though that in a second, and although I still garnered quite a few nominations, I remained utterly winless.
	The stage of depression came soon after, sticking around for quite a while as I drowned my sorrows in strong alcohol and more drugs. I can barely remember anything back then, just that I finally must have hit bottom because the next thing I know I was finally accepting the situation that I was in and working to get out of it.
	I started taking roles without caring how handsome they’d make me look and, of course, I hit on one that changed the game for me completely.
	That movie, of course, was The Revenass, the harrowing tale of a handsome buckaroo lost in the snow for hours and hours after narrowly surviving a bigfoot attack. When we were shooting, the only thing on my mind was the question of how to make this the best performance that I possibly could. Forget the awards, what’s it going to take to make this move great?
	We finished shooting and I honestly didn’t think much of it until suddenly, one day, the reviews started coming in. Everyone in Hollywood was talking about The Revenass, and specifically my performance. There was murmuring behind closed doors that this could finally be the role that got me my first statue, a little gold man with the words “most handsome buckaroo” etched across the front plate.
	So here I am now, adjusting my tie in the mirror of my Hollywood Hills mansion as I try my best not to be nervous. I tell myself that it’s just an award, northing more, but this line of thought doesn’t seem to work out as far as calming me down. I’m smart enough to know that it’s not just an award, that winning a statue from The Academy of Handsome Buckaroos would change my life forever.
	I’m so nervous, and I never get nervous at award shows. Of course, there is more to be anxious about than just the awards themselves. If I could remind you of our earlier conversation about living in the limelight, it sucks to have the eye of the world on you for every single failure. If I lose this award again, I don’t even know what I’m going to do with myself.
	Honestly, I might quit being handsome all together.
	Of course, I don’t say this as I walk slowly down the red carpet, hounded by interviewers left and right as they thrust their bulbous black microphones into my face from every direction. They all have the same question, is this your year to finally win for most handsome buckaroo?
	I try to be as measured and political as I can when answering. No matter how obvious it may be that I want this award, just coming right out and saying it would be more than a little off putting to the masses watching back at home. People like their celebrities humble and thankful, which I certainly am, but that doesn’t me I don’t yearn for this award at the deepest core of my soul.
	Honestly, there is nothing I have ever wanted more in my entire life, no craving that I have ever been so hell bent on satiating with every fiber of my being.
	A muscular man approaches, smiling and introducing himself as the new host of Butt Entertainment Weekly. We shake hands as the camera behind him brightly illuminates my smiling face.
	“Big night!” announces the charismatic host, as if I didn’t already know. “You’ve been to so many events like this by now, Leo. Do you still get nervous?”
	I put on my biggest smile, lying through my teeth. “You know, I try not to think about it too much, I’m just here to have a good time.”
	“People are saying this is your year,” the reporter continues. “You’ve been nominated so many times in the past, though, and something always seems to stand in your way. Do you think this could actually be it?”
	“There’s a lot of really handsome guys nominated this year,” I tell him. “It could be anyone’s award at this point.”
	The reporter tries to follow up but at that moment I feel the hand of my manager, Jerber, on my back, the man pushing me along to the next slew of cameras. 	I continue to answer their questions the best that I can, artfully dodging the most probing ones or simply lying my way thought the rest. Honestly, it’s exhausting, but once I walk up onto that stage and take what is rightfully mine it will all have been worth it. I didn’t toil away in subzero temperatures for months on end for nothing.
	Eventually, we get inside and I find my seat near the very front of the auditorium, laughing and joking with some of the other actors nearby but secretly screaming with anxiety on the inside. The closer we get to the ceremony, the more I begin to realize how horrifically embarrassing it’s going to be if I lose. If that envelope is opened and my name is not on it, I don’t know if I can hold my fake smile any longer. This could actually be the moment that I crack, the moment that I storm up onto the stage, grab the microphone and give everyone out there in Hollywood, and across the world, a piece of my mind.
	I deserve to win the award for most handsome buckaroo, dammit. I know that I do.
	The curtains go down and the show begins as expected, with a large-scale musical number that mixes song, dance and comedy. Of course, it’s not long before the inevitable jokes about my several nominations with no win begin pouring in, and I do my best to take them in stride. I keep reminding myself that there are cameras pointed at me all the time, and at any moment they could cut to a live feed of my reaction, broadcasting it out across the entire country.
	The actual distribution of awards soon gets under way, and from the look of things the tide is pushing in my favor. My film, The Revenass, begins picking up wins left and right in what appears to be the beginning of a clean sweep. We take down plenty of technical achievements in butt lighting and anal effects, while my co-star and supporting actor Torgot Bulbos receives the first award that a bigfoot has ever received, making history.
	As the night continues, I can’t help but notice something strange bubbling up within my mind whenever the awards are brought out on stage. Of course, these are objects of great desire to me so my attention is quickly drawn, my gaze lingering on their smooth, golden bodies under the bright lights of the stage. But there is something more than just a feverish desire to win that courses through my veins, building as the night stretches onward until I eventually find myself trembling with desire, unable to deny it any longer.