My story. (Trigger warning, rape/abuse subjects, suicide)

I figure I might as well share my story, since I also plan on trying to be one of the counselors of the chat later on. It's got some darker topics involving rape and sexual/physical abuse, so I will be censoring it for those who do not wish to see such. I understand if this is taken down due to the topics at hand, but please DM me first so I can take it down myself (as to not feel punished at least).

||When I was young, around the age of 1-2, my father was a drunk who's only real use around the house was he had a job to make money for us. At the age of 2, he eventually broke, and forced himself upon my mother, which was the last straw. She took me and left, with nothing but her dog and some of our supplies, and left. It was later on she found a man, my stepfather, my "real dad" to me; his name was Chris. Chris was a nice, wonderful person that I wish you all could meet. He helped care for mom, took us in, his family (besides his mom, but that's off topic) was quite nice overall. It wasnt too long before my mother married him, her first and only marriage. We moved several times as things came up, finishing by moving to Oregon and down to Arizona. During this time, he developed a semi-cancerous effecting stomach infection that forced them to cut out a large chunk of his stomach to keep him living. It worked at about the effect of stomach cancer, leaving him too weak to go anywhere and made hospital visits common for me.

It was the age of 6, after he was given some medicine to help ease the pains. I was playing on the PC, an old MMO called Everquest that mom played with him back in the day. I wasnt paying attention to him, and i still blame myself for it. He used his pills while I was distracted, and killed himself using them. Suffocation, to put it simply. By the time mom got home and saw him, he was already cold. Nothing would fix that. Funnily, that was the first day in months that it rained heavily in that arid town.

A timeskip to around 10-14 region. Common stuff, only had one good friend growing up, bullies, etc. I was a chubby kid, and still am, I cared a lot about my weight up at the 14-15, but beforehand never mattered to me. My original dad came back, saying he changed etc, and we believed him. He acted nice, though a bit demanding and rude. It was later in that, after visiting us for a while, he went and got his own apartment out in another town. I visited occasionally, it was fun. Then it started to go downhill. Around the age of 13, a friend of my friend, decided to lie, falsely accusing me of harassing him sexually. He had no evidence to back it up, but my friend got so scared that well, we dont talk anymore. My lawyer was horrid, deciding the best action to save him time would be to tell me the guy had tons of proof and that I was best off just leaving it at admitting and pleading guilty.

I was kicked from that school, and rather than transfer to the other middle school nearby, I went and lived with my father, going to the middle school in the other town. It was fine the first couple weeks, until it began, a repeated cycle of sexual abuse/rape from my father that lasted for about three months before I was finally able to tell a friend I met in that school, and get help.

Skipping the details, he was detained for a while and we went to court, but due to a fumble by the judge's word, they ended out letting him off free even with plenty of evidence to convict. I haven't seen him much since.

Ever since, up to my age now at 17, I have been anxious and constantly looking over my shoulder, constantly afraid of people. I don't talk much offline to anyone, though with my college professor I am trying to cope and find a way around that, starting to get more active in communities online as a cope for not talking IRL much. Since those days, I've made a personal vow to help anyone, and everyone i can, even if it costs my own time for it. I don't want people to think they're alone, and I definitely do not want them to go without any care or any outlets for help.

To end this off, I give a warning and a statement. Do not let yourself dig deeper into your own problems. Seek help, talk to friends. Talk to family. Do anything in your power to at least get yourself out of that rut, get yourself to a place where you arent lost in that darkness.

You may feel alone, but know that there's always someone you can go to. Even if that someone has to be me.

If anyone needs to talk after reading this feel free, I understand it could be triggering for some people and I don't want to leave people feeling bad for me or anything. I am much better and much happier now, I'm in a relationship (Poly, with a boy and a girl~) and my mental state is getting better.