Zebrafag

/bootleg/ Derpy

Mar 31st, 2018
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  1. >You have read all about those poor guys ordering a pony and receiving damaged goods, which they handled all so differently.
  2. >Being on the cheap side for all your life, you counted this in into the equation.
  3. >Your solution?
  4. >You ordered Derpy from the shady reseller.
  5. "Can't be more fucked up than default!" You tell yourself as you are finally opening up the large package.
  6. >The box is already rustling, a sure sign of the pony inside being activated, therefore malfunctional, you reason.
  7. >With one last cut the box opens up and a blonde maned grey head pops out from the packaging noodles, staring at you with a pair of perfectly focused golden eyes.
  8. >"Hi! I'm Derpy!" She says in an adorable, chipper tone. "Alternatively you can call me Ditzy, Muffins or Bubbles. Which one do you prefer?"
  9. >Derpy's expression is clear, her eyes aren't derped at all, she does not 'look dumb', you see no signs of any malfunction on her, she looks perfect.
  10. >Pulling her out of her box you lift her up and inspect every inch of her, looking for any possible fault.
  11. >Derpy looks rather confused at this but waits for you to pick a name for her.
  12. "You are perfect. Why?" You ask her, making her confused.
  13. >Somehow the shady resellers fixed her derpiness.
  14. >"I don't think I understand... what's your name?" She asks back, adorably tilting her head like a puppy.
  15. "You are... you are supposed to be damaged, malfunctioning! Why are you... perfect?" You ask her, placing her on the floor to see if maybe she can't stand or walk.
  16. >She stands alright, and as you take a few steps away from her, she follows you.
  17. >"Do you not like me? I'm sorry..." She says, frowning sadly.
  18. "This.... this makes no sense!" You say to nobody in particular, sitting down on the floor, staring into empty space.
  19. >A few moments later you feel a soft and warm head push against your chest.
  20. >Looking down you are welcomed by Derpy's saddened expression.
  21. >"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be perfect... I can change, I swear!" She promises.
  22. "What."
  23. >As you look into Derpy's not derpy golden eyes, you notice that she is about to cry.
  24. >You are a sucker for ponies, always were, hence why you ordered her in the first place, even though you can barely get any savings from your office desk job.
  25. >With a rugged sigh you wrap your arms around her.
  26. "No, don't change. You are... uh... /perfect/ the way you are, Derpy." You tell her and pet her mane.
  27. >Your little pony gasps at hearing her name and pushes her head against your chest more, in joy, you guess.
  28. "But how am I going to explain this to the guys?.."
  29. >...
  30. >Thank the Nine it's Fredas.
  31. >You and Derpy are sitting on your moth-eaten couch, eating junk food and watching a rerun of an ancient sitcom.
  32. >She only arrived a couple hours ago but Derpy is already making you feel better, not even speaking about helping you with your mess of a home.
  33. >Just before sitting down she suggested that she could help you clean up the living room!
  34. >And she didn't derp once while helping you carrying out the old food trays, soda bottles and other junk!
  35. >You are rather conflicted by this turn of events.
  36. >Also, you will be the laughing stock of your so called 'friends' once they hear of your misfortune.
  37. >Is it a misfortune, though? You have received a perfectly functioning, loving companion, even though you actually expected and planned on getting a faulty one!
  38. >You zone out so much, you don't notice Derpy poking your leg, then side to get your attention.
  39. >Only when she climbs on your lap you return to the land of the living.
  40. "W-what? What is it, Derpy?" you ask blearily, blinking at her like your autist cousin when he is given a math problem.
  41. >"You... you forgot to tell me your name."
  42. >Her sheepishness makes you feel warm inside but also like an idiot, how did you forget?
  43. >Oh right, the whole 'perfectly functional instead of screwed up' thing.
  44. "I'm Anon." You tell her with a roll of your eyes.
  45. >She makes a little o with her mouth, with an accompanying sound of amazement.
  46. >"I like your name, Anon!" She says after a few moments and smiles. "Do you want me to call you in any other special way, though?"
  47. >You arch an eyebrow at the strange request.
  48. >Why would she insist on this, you cannot fathom.
  49. "Nah, Anon is fine." You tell her and shrug, then reach over and start to pet her blonde mane, to which she reacts with a happy purr and smile, pushing against your hand.
  50. >"Okay, Anon it is!"
  51. >You continue to pet her, reconsidering the situation.
  52. "This isn't half bad."
  53. >Derpy's left ear perks up at that but she just giggles, rolling onto her back so your hand lands on her belly.
  54. "Let me guess, you want belly rubs?" You ask chuckling, forgetting about your conondrum.
  55. >"Yes please!" She nods enthusiastically in response, her little wings opening up, making you internally d'aww.
  56. >Yes, you will just forget about your troubles.
  57.  
  58. >Meanwhile, at Shady Reseller© Ltd.
  59.  
  60. >"What do you mean you sent out the wrong package?!" Asked a burly and very angry man.
  61. >"It was an accident, I swear! I just don't know what went wrong..." Answered a young woman, trying to get her blonde hair out of her wall-eyed face.
  62. >She screwed up. Again...
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