HS DnD Draft 2

Karkat: ONCE AGAIN WE ARE WAITING ON GAMZEE BEFORE WE CAN CONTINUE.
Kanaya: It Is Not His Fault That Vriska Threw His Dice At The Wall So Hard That They Shattered
Karkat: WHILE THAT MAY BE TRUE, IT'S GAMZEE'S FAULT FOR USING THAT RIDICULOUS FAYGO DIE IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND I GUESS IT'S ALSO MY FAULT FOR EXPECTING HIM TO REALIZE THAT THEY WERE A BAD IDEA.
Dave: in hindsight soda is a pretty shitty thing to make dice out of
John: i thought they looked cool! apart from being sticky and gross.
Karkat: YOU'RE EASILY AMUSED. AND CHILDISH. AND I HATE YOU. WE ALREADY HAVE MORE SETS OF DICE THAN WE HAVE PEOPLE TO PLAY, AND WE STILL HAVE THE DICE GAMZEE WAS USING BEFORE. HE LIKED THAT RAINBOW COLORED D20. LET'S JUST MAKE HIM A SET LIKE THAT.
Dave: little late for that
Karkat: I'M SORRY, I FORGOT IT WAS MY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY TO REIGN IN THE FUCKING CLOWN BEFORE HE WANDERS OFF TO DO SOMETHING RETARDED.
Dave: how could you forget that you complain about it constantly
Dave: along with like
Dave: well basically everything i guess
Karkat: RAISING COMPLAINTS IS HOW I DEMONSTRATE MY RELATIVE LEVEL OF LOATHING FOR THINGS. IT GENERALLY WORKS ON A SLIDING SCALE FROM "WISH IT WOULD GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING AND TRAMPLED BY A HERD OF MUSCLEBEASTS" TO "MAKES ME WANT TO SWALLOW MY OWN ENTRAILS TO CREATE A MOBIUS LOOP THAT CUTS MY TORSO IN HALF."
Dave: i cant tell which of those is high and which is low
Dave: also whats a musclebeast
Karkat: WAIT, LET ME TAKE A PAGE OUT OF YOUR BOOK, STRIDER.
Karkat: "IT'S LIKE A BEAST. BUT WITH MORE MUSCLES."
Karkat: THERE, DID I DO IT RIGHT?
Kanaya: Ha
Kanaya: That Was Actually A Rather Humorous Approximation
Dave: yeah ten points and a gold star for you
Dave: hey why dont you do john next
Karkat: WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF? I AM NOT AN IMPRESSIONIST HERE TO AMUSE YOU.
Dave: couldve fooled me
Dave: here let me do you
Dave: BULGE STEM. FUCK.
Karkat: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A BULGE STEM IS?
Dave: I DONT HAVE TIME TO KNOW WHAT THINGS ARE. FUCK. MY FRIENDS PISS ME OFF. FUCK. I LIKE HEARING MYSELF TALK. FUCK.
Karkat: WHY ARE YOU SAYING FUCK AFTER EVERY SENTENCE LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF TELEGRAPH MESSAGE?
Dave: shut up im not done i have to ramble unintelligibly
Dave: AAAAAAAAGH FUCK FUCK. ANGER RAGE. METAPHORS FOR GAY SEX. ALIEN GAY SEX BODY PARTS FUCK. GAY SEX FUCK.
Dave: okay i have to stop that got really gay really fast
John: apart from being nonsense, you did kind of get the inflection right.
Karkat: EGBERT, HE DOES NOT NEED YOU FUCKING HELP.
Kanaya: I Find It Somewhat Distressing That Our Human Friends Knowledge Of Troll Anatomy Is Based Solely Upon Karkats Use Of Profanity
Dave: yeah based on what karkat says im pretty sure you guys have like fifty different terms for wang
Dave: or fifty different types of wang
Dave: trolls only have two genders right
Dave: you don't have like fifty or something?
Karkat: WOW, THIS CONVERSATION IS FUCKING DONE.
Terezi: H3H3H3H3
Karkat: OH GOD, DID ANYONE ELSE HEAR THAT?
John: someone's in the hall outside. is gamzee back?
Dave: hey if youre gonna loiter outside at least have the decency to open the door and crash the party
Dave: were having a very important conversation about troll wang and i wont have it interrupted in a halfass way
Kanaya: That Is Not What We Were Discussing
Karkat: TEREZI I HEAR YOU FUCKING LAUGHING, JUST OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!
Terezi: OH MY GOD D4V3 WH4T IS YOUR OBS3SS1ON WITH TROLL W4NG??
Rose: This is an ongoing and well established Freudian obsession of his. And hello, everyone.
Dave: nope go away rose this table is the officially sanctioned gaming table and you arent allowed onto the sports pitch
Dave: you received your red card at the two minute warning and were ejected from the penalty box for travelling
John: dave even i know you're fucking up your sports metaphors there.
Kanaya: Hello Rose Hello Terezi Would Either Of You Like To Play With Us
Terezi: 1 H34RD SCR34M1NG 4ND K4RK4T COMPL41NING, TH3N VR1K4 STORM3D DOWN TH3 H4LL R4NT1NG TO H3RS3LF 4BOUT V3NG3NC3
Terezi: 1T SOUND3D L1K3 FUN. >:]
Karkat: TO NOBODY'S SURPRISE, VRISKA HAD POOR TEAMWORK AND COMMUNICATION SKILLS. IN THIS GAME, THAT APPARENTLY MEANS YOU END UP DEAD.
Rose: That sounds roughly par for the course as far tabletop gaming is concerned.
John: she also ruined gamzee's dice. which is probably a good thing because they were all sticky.
Terezi: DO 1 W4NT TO KNOW WHY G4MZ33 H4D ST1CKY D1C3??
Kanaya: It Is Not What It Sounds Like
Karkat: IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH MORE STUPID.
Dave: excuse me can i interject
Karkat: PLEASE DON'T?
Dave: tz i dont have a problem with
Dave: but rose
Dave: god damn it john do you remember why we banned her from the table originally
Dave: please dont tell me you forgot the campaign with the slaads
Karkat: DID YOU JUST MISPRONOUNCE SALAD, OR IS THAT SOME KIND OF GAME TERM?
Dave: a slaad is a demon frog thing
Dave: do trolls even have salad
Terezi: WHY WOULDN'T W3 H4V3 S4L4D?
Karkat: TRUST ME ON THIS ONE, YOU'RE BETTER OFF JUST IGNORING HIM ANY TIME HE ASKS A QUESTION ABOUT...
Karkat: WELL I GUESS PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING.
Karkat: HOLY FUCK STRIDER, WHY ARE YOU SO TERRIBLE?
Dave: talk to rose if you want an in depth analysis of my psyche youll basically get one whether you ask for it or not
Rose: I have extensive notes on the subject.
Dave: john
Dave: no john come on man i know that look youre considering letting her back in
Dave: dont do it john please
John: oh come on that was one time!
Dave: what about the thing with the copper dragons secret treasure chamber
Terezi: TH1S G4M3 H4S DR4GONS M4D3 OF COPP3R >:?
Rose: Yes, and other metals in the copper group or containing copper.
John: that was a fluke of weird dice rolls!
Dave: what about the time we fought the tarrasque and her level 3 hireling killed the thing entirely on its own
John: that was a high level game and you were all doing weird shit like that!
Dave: john
Dave: do you remember the kobold
John: what kobold?
Rose: Are you referring to the Kobold named Pun-Pun? That character is an internet thought experiment and is never intended for actual play.
Dave: no im not just talking about the kobold who can cast every spell and and has infinte stats and hp
Dave: that shit is low tier
Dave: im talking about a different kobold
Dave: you know which kobold i mean rose
Rose: ....oh.
Rose: You mean Twizzler the Red.
Dave: yes i mean twizzler the fucking red
Rose: I will admit that Twizzler the Red got a little bit out of hand.
Karkat: DO I EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
Dave: no
John: no.
Rose: I suspect you would wish I hadn't told you.
Karkat: OKAY GOOD.
John: okay i get it. rose, i'm sorry, but we banned you for a reason.
Rose: I understand. In truth Terezi and I only came to investigate when we heard what sounded like shouted conversations about battle.
Terezi: I'M 3MB4RR4SS3D TO 4DM1T 1 THOUGHT 1T W4S 4N 4CTU4L B4TTLE 4T F1RST
Terezi: TURNS OUT 1T W4S JUST K4RK4T B31NG LOUD 4BOUT NOTH1NG 4S USU4L
Karkat: ARE YOU GIVING ME SHIT FOR GETTING TOO INVESTED IN A FANTASY GAME? YOU, OF ALL FUCKING PEOPLE?
Rose: Your "investment" was so loud, you fooled two seers into thinking you were actually in mortal peril.
Karkat: WELL FORGIVE ME FOR NOT EXPECTING ONE OF MY ACQUAINTANCES TO BE CONCERNED FOR MY WELL BEING. IT'S NOT SOMETHING I'M ACCUSTOMED TO.
John: since we're waiting on gamzee and he's probably going to be a while, do you want to run his character?
Dave: john you just agreed rose was banned
John: i was talking to terezi!
Dave: oh my bad
Terezi: 1 DON'T KNOW, 1T S33MS K1ND OF W33N13
Karkat: IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THAT FLARP HORSESHIT YOU USED TO PLAY WITH TAVROS. EXCEPT WITHOUT MURDERING OR CRIPPLING OTHER PLAYERS.
Kanaya: And There Is A Great Deal Of Die Rolling
Terezi: D3F1N1T3LY SOUNDS W33N13
Dave: its more fun than it sounds trust me
Dave: first time rose and john dragged me into this i was like "nah man i aint got time for this shit"
Dave: and then i broke my dice hymen and it was incredible
Rose: That's a colorful way of putting it.
John: dave, gross.
Terezi: WH4T 1S A D1C3 HYM3N? >:?
Karkat: ANY TIME DAVE MENTIONS SOMETHING AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, YOU CAN SAFELY ASSUME THAT IT'S SLANG FOR MALE HUMAN GENITALIA.
Rose: You are two thirds correct.
Karkat: AND I'D PREFER TO REMAIN IGNORANT ABOUT THE OTHER THIRD, THANKS.
Karkat: TEREZI, EITHER JOIN THE GAME OR FUCK OFF. I COULD CARE LESS.
Terezi: 1 DON'T KNOW TH3 SYST3M THOUGH
Rose: I would be happy to assist you in that regard, if John and Dave would have me.
John: dave, is rose sticking around to help terezi an acceptable compromise?
Dave: ha ha if tz is playing gamzees mess of a character shes going to need all the help she can get
Dave: im cool with it
Terezi: TH4T DO3SNT F1LL M3 W1TH CONF1D4NCE
Rose: Let's see what we have to work with here.
Karkat: IF YOU CAN READ HIS HANDWRITING, YOU'RE HEAD AND SHOULDERS ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE AT THIS TABLE, INCLUDING HIM.
Rose: Eldon Greenbottle. Halfling Bard. I'll admit, I expected something ... stranger.
Kanaya: He Uses A Dwarven Waraxe With No Proficiency And Not Much Strength
Rose: I can work with this. Considering that this character is now being played by two people instead of one, I hope John will begrudge Terezi some deviation from previous characterization and not penalize Eldon for acting out of character?
John: well yeah thats a given.
Dave: especially since tz wasnt here for gamzees shenanigans
Kanaya: Are We Ready To Begin Then
Karkat: IF WE'RE DOING THIS THEN LET'S JUST FUCKING DO IT.

---

John: when we last left our heroes the party was running.
Rose: I always like an adventure that begins en medias res.
Dave: in your what
Rose: It's Latin. It means, "in the midst of things."
Terezi: WH4T 4R3 W3 RUNN1NG FROM
Kanaya: We Went Into The Woods To Deal With Some Bandits And Met A Mysterious Elven Ally Who Then Attacked Us
Karkat: HE CALLED A GIANT MONSTER AND VRISKA WAS TOO DUMB TO ABSCOND. THE REST OF US RAN.
Terezi: COW4RDS
Dave: the elf guy was way more powerful than us
Dave: also yes
John: the party eventually makes it to the edge of the woods with no further signs of the elf or his giant monster following you.
Karkat: WHO'S HURT?
Terezi: WH3R3'S THE H34LTH V14L ON TH1S SH33T
Rose: Your vitality is measured in "hit points," an abstract but fairly straightforward concept. Please bear with me while I try to decipher Gamzee's hit point total.
Kanaya: Acrimony Is Not Seriously Hurt But She Has Taken Some Damage
Karkat: CURE MODERATE WOUNDS FOR 16 DAMAGE. HOW ABOUT YOU, TEREZI?
Rose: She has taken, and I quote mister Makara here, "mother fucking ten," followed by some question marks and what looks like a crude drawing of what is either a phallus or a bottle of soda.
Terezi: 1 TH1NK 1T M1GHT B3 BOTH
Rose: I think you might be right.
Karkat: I CAN HEAL THE DAMAGE. I CAN'T HEAL YOUR THINKPAN'S EXPOSURE TO GAMZEE'S THOUGHT PROCESS.
Terezi: OOOHHH NOOOO >:P
Karkat: HEAL 11 DAMAGE. ARE WE GOOD TO GO NOW?
Dave: where are we going anyway
Karkat: FIRST, AWAY FROM THE WOODS. SECOND, THERE'S A TOWN THAT OWES US MONEY.
Dave: did vriska have life insurance if so dibs
Rose: I sincerely doubt you would be able to claim that money.
Kanaya: Did Your Civilization Invent Life Insurance During Its Medieval Period
John: there's no life insurance in fantasy land.
Rose: The concept of life insurance dates back at least to the ancient Romans. However, the presence of dragons, wizards, and all manner of mythical creatures could have caused a significant divergence from reality.
John: yeah, so like I said there's no life insurance.
Terezi: T3LL M3 YOU 4T L34ST LOOT3D THE BODY?
Dave: wasnt an option
Dave: we were busy being cowards and vriska stayed behind
Dave: not like we were going to circle back to take any of the loot she stole and didn't tell us about
Terezi: UGH YOU GUYS 4RE TH3 WORST P4RTY 3V3R!!
Rose: The mechanics of the game do tend to reward scavenging and repurposing equipment formerly possessed by deceased party members.
Karkat: HERE'S A THOUGHT. LET'S NOT DESECRATE THE DEAD.
Kanaya: I Thought Your Character Did Not Like Her Character
Karkat: YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE EVEN LESS? DEAD TEAM MATES. YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE EVEN LESS THAN THAT?
Dave: everything?
Karkat: DEAD TEAMMATES BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT. I MEAN FOR FUCK'S SAKE, HOW HARD IS IT TO SHOW THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF DECENCY TOWARDS SOMEONE WHO'S IN THE ONLY POSITION WHERE THEY CAN'T FUCK YOU OVER ANYMORE?
Rose: Actually there are a multitude of ways a dead character could continue to be involved with the party in some way. Being reanimated by necromancy comes to mind.
Karkat: THAT CAN HAPPEN?
John: I'm not bringing vriska's character back as a zombie so you can just forget about that.
Terezi: L4ME
Karkat: SO AS I SUGGESTED, LET'S GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THESE WOODS.
Kanaya: Are We On The Road
John: no but you know it's a little ways to the south of you. if you just move in a straight line you'll find it.
Dave: and more hydras hopefully
Terezi: WH4TS 4 HYDR4
Dave: oh man youll love them theyre right up your alley
Dave: they have a sick sense of smell and a mouth full of way too many fucking teeth
Kanaya: We Encountered One In The Wild And Defeated It With Some Difficulty
John: the party travels for a little while and makes it back to the main road. however it's late in the afternoon and the sun will be setting soon.
Karkat: GREAT. CAMPING.
Terezi: 1S TH3R3 4 LOT OF C4MP1NG 1N TH1S G4M3?
Dave: tons
Kanaya: Since The Party Is Down A Member We May Need To Adjust Our Watch
Karkat: THREE OF US HAVE TO REST TO GET OUR SPELLS BACK. HOW'S THIS GOING TO WORK?
Dave: oh man were going to have to do math
Terezi: W41T, THR33? G4MZ33 H4S SP3LLS?
Rose: The Bard class is a hybrid between a magic-user and a weapon-user. It is a versatile jack-of-all-trades that can fill many roles.
Terezi: OK4Y BUT WH4T 4R3 TH3 ODDS TH4T G4MZ33 4CTU4LLY KN3W HOW TH4T WORKED
Kanaya: His Performance Has Been Unpredictable But Surprisingly Effective At Times
Terezi: L3TS JUST 4SSUM3 G4MZ33 W1LL B3 4S US3FUL W1TH SL33P 4S H3 1S W1THOUT
Kanaya: That Is Probably A Fair Assumption
Dave: word
Terezi: 1'LL T4K3 F1RST W4TCH TH3N
Kanaya: And Acrimony Will Take Second
Karkat: GREAT. LET'S SET UP CAMP AND PREPARE FOR WHATEVER EGBERT THROWS AT US TONIGHT.
John: hey you don't know you're about to be attacked!
Karkat: YOU'RE HOLDING THE FUCKING MONSTER MANUAL.
Rose: You could possibly have approached that in a more surreptitious way, John.
John: for your information, i was looking up something completely different!
Terezi: SUR3 YOU W3R3
John: i'm going to have to put book covers on these or something so you guys don't know what i'm doing over here.
Karkat: I NEVER KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING, EGBERT. THE ONLY ONE MORE OBTUSE THAN YOU IS STRIDER.
Karkat: FUCK! TEREZI, WHAT DID YOU KICK ME FOR?
Terezi: NOTH1NG >:\
Rose: John, if you would prefer, I do have the majority of the DnD game books in digital form.
John: thanks rose but I prefer the hard copy.
Rose: I prefer them as well, but there is a certain point where dredging a large tome from a massive stockpile of hardbound game manuals becomes a giant pain in the ass. Digital copies also allow you surreptitiously check a book without certain players being able to tell what you're up to.
Terezi: C3RT41N PL4Y3RS
Dave: filthy cheaters
Rose: One could argue that it isn't technically possible to cheat at a game based on imagination.
Kanaya: I Imagine One Could Try To Roll A Certain Side On A Die
Rose: True, but the outcome of the result is always left to the interpretation of the Game Master. The result of the die is technically irrelevant, no matter what the target number "should" have been.
Dave: unless youre rollin 20s because then if the dm doesnt show them respect hes inviting the wrath of the wicked dice god
Karkat: THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE GAMZEE'S RELIGIOUS HORSE SHIT.
Rose: Dice do have a certain religious connotation, even outside the realm of gaming. It's easy to invent a mythological explanation for the capricious outcomes of random fate, regardless of one's culture.
John: we're getting off track here. the night passes without any night time attacks.
Terezi: 1 F1ND 1T SUSP1C1OUS TH4T YOU H4D TO PO1NT TH4T OUT
Dave: we all do
John: the party packs up camp and heads back up the road. after not much travel, you see further up the road what looks like a large caravan parked in the road with a cloud of smoke coming out of it.
Dave: its a trap
John: does the party approach? or do you go off the road and circle around to avoid them?
Karkat: WE APPROACH.
Rose: It could be a bandit honey pot.
Karkat: IT COULD ALSO BE RANDOM TRAVELERS. DON'T BE PARANOID. WE APPROACH.
Kanaya: The Smoke Is Suspicious
Kanaya: I Think We Should Be Cautious
Karkat: DID I SAY I WAS CHARGING IN, YELLING "HEY EVERYONE, I'M A TRAVELING ADVENTURER, PLEASE SHOVE SHARP THINGS INTO MY ORGANS?" WE APPROACH CAUTIOUSLY.
Dave: i run towards the caravan yelling "hey everyone im a traveling adventurer"
Karkat: FUCKING HELL. WHY.
Dave: because
Dave: uh
Dave: yknow what i cant think of a reason and i dont wanna be gamzee
Karkat: NO ONE WANTS TO BE GAMZEE. GAMZEE IS TERRIBLE.
Dave: i walk calmly towards the caravan
Karkat: HOLY FUCK STRIDER IS BEING REASONABLE.
Terezi: ONLY YOU C4N COMPL41N ABOUT SOM3ON3 B31NG R34SONABLE
Kanaya: Caution May Be Advisable So I Will Lead The Way In Case This Is Some Manner Of Ambush
John: the party approaches with kanaya in the lead. as you get closer, you see that there's one large wagon covered with a tarp and several normal sized ones that have moved away from it, giving it a wide berth. there's also a pile of smoking wood behind the covered wagon that looks like it might have been a fancier stage coach, but it's burnt down to almost nothing.
Karkat: HOW CAN WE TELL IT USED TO BE A FANCY STAGE COACH IF IT'S BURNT DOWN TO ALMOST NOTHING?
Terezi: SHHH
John: theres about a dozen people milling around with various minor injuries, and you see two more lying down on cots with more severe injuries bandaged.
John: you are approached by a fat woman with a beard.
Kanaya: Come Again
Dave: oh god its a traveling circus
Karkat: GOOD, WE FOUND A PLACE TO DUMP GAMZEE'S CHARACTER.
Terezi: 1M ST1LL US1NG 1T >:]
Rose: Does the bearded woman appear hostile?
John: as the party approaches she stands her ground but doesn't attack or anything. she says, "ho there travelers! can you lend us a hand?"
Dave: john thats not how you do it
John: thats not how i do what?
Dave: its a bearded woman john you need to do a silly voice for her
John: im not doing any silly voices, that's dumb.
Rose: Why a traveling circus, John? I was under the impression that you hated clowns.
John: there's a difference between a clown and a harlequin, and this particular traveling circus doesn't have either one.
Rose: Interesting.
Dave: rose we all know shrinks just say interesting when they cant think of anything else to say
Rose: That's apocryphal, though I don't think anyone credible as actually denied it either.
Terezi: 1S G4MZ33'S CH4R4CT3R 4NY GOOD 4T D1PLOM4NCY
Kanaya: Eldon Is Not Good At A Lot Of Things
Karkat: JUST LET ME DO THE TALKING.
Terezi: WHY YOU?
Karkat: BECAUSE I HAVE THE MOST EXPERIENCE DEALING WITH CLOWNS CONSTRUCTIVELY.
Kanaya: I Doubt Even You Could Make Gamzee Behave Constructively
Rose: John said that there were no clowns among this particular group. Absent a face-painted fool to shoosh pap, I question Karkat's effectiveness in this particular situation.
Karkat: FUCK YOU LALONDE, MY SHOOSH PAPPING IS LEGENDARY. I HAVE LITERALLY SAVED THE LIVES OF MORE RANDOM ASSHOLES WITH A SINGLE SHOOSH PAP THAN YOU HAVE WITH AN ENTIRE LIFETIME OF PSYCHO-NONSENSE.
Rose: I didn't mean to belittle your shooshes, paps, or the lives they have saved. I merely meant to point out that your character...
Rose: I'm having trouble reading your handwriting, your character is named Nookstuffer Bonebulge?
Terezi: GROSS
Karkat: DEAL WITH IT.
Rose: I'm not even sure what action that name is attempting to describe. Anyway, I was pointing out that Nookstuffer has a diplomacy skill of 1. Acrimony's diplomacy is considerably higher.
Karkat: YEAH, WELL, IT'S A TRAVELING CIRCUS WHO ASKED US FOR HELP AFTER THEY WERE CLEARLY ATTACKED BY SOMETHING TERRIBLE. WE HAVE THE DIPLOMATIC HIGH GROUND AND IF THEY DON'T LIKE WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY, THEY CAN GO WAIT FOR SOME OTHER TRAVELING ASSHOLES TO STUMBLE UPON THEIR SORRY ASSES.
Dave: wait are you saying karkats not going to use his charisma
Dave: i am shocked
Dave: rose put me down as "shocked" in your pschocategorization
Rose: I don't think that's a thing.
Dave: bs
Karkat: I APPROACH THE BEARDED WOMAN. "HELLO WOMAN WITH FACIAL HAIR WHICH I ASSUME IS NOTEWORTHY FOR YOUR GENDER AND SPECIES. I AM THE CLERIC NOOKSTUFFER BONEBULGE AND I SERVE THE GIANT BALL OF FIRE IN THE SKY, WHICH, LIKE MOST DEITIES, YOU CAN'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT WITHOUT GOING BLIND."
Dave: legit thats some ark of the covenant shit
Dave: seriously look the fuck away unless you like being a skeleton
Karkat: THE RAMBLING IDIOT IS BROFIST, SORCERER, AND PROOF THAT THE UNIVERSE DOES NOT HAND OUT MAGICAL POWERS IN ANY WAY THAT IS FAIR OR LOGICAL, NOT THAT WE NEEDED ANY MORE PROOF OF THAT. THE BIZARRELY POLITE BARBARIAN IS ACRIMONY AND THE CLOWN WITH TWO BRAINS CONTROLLING HIM INSTEAD OF THE USUAL ZERO, IS ELDON GREENBOTTLE.
John: the woman says her name is olga and shes the leader of this troupe.
Dave: that name is so ridiculously butch
Rose: Interesting that one of the side show freaks is in charge of this troupe.
Terezi: 3LDON 4SKS H3R TO T3LL US WH4T H4PP3N3D TO TH3 C4R4V4N
John: she points over to the oversized covered wagon. she says that their star attraction managed to get loose. it was under a magic spell that the ring leader had put on it but the spell wore off early and it used its own magic to set his coach on fire with him trapped inside of it.
Terezi: TH4TS 4 H3LL OF 4 W4Y TO GO
Kanaya: What Was This Star Attraction Of Theirs
Dave: more importantly can it still set shit on fire
John: she says that although the magic compulsion it was under wore off, it's still chained inside its cage and it can't get out. its magic is limited so its safe as long as you don't get too close.
Karkat: WOW, THAT'S REASSURING. "DON'T WORRY, GUYS, AS LONG AS YOU STAY AN ARBITRARY AND UNKNOWN DISTANCE AWAY, YOU WON'T CATCH ON FIRE AND DIE HORRIBLY!"
Terezi: HOW DO3S SH3 KNOW TH4T 1T C4NT G3T OUT
John: she tells you that it has a silver collar around its neck and the collar is tethered to the floor with a silver chain. silver is its weakness and it can't break the chain or the collar, no matter how strong it is.
Karkat: WEAKNESS TO SILVER? WHAT KIND OF PANSY-ASS WEAKNESS IS THAT?
Rose: It's rather common among Terran mythology. Of the creatures vulnerable to silver available to Dungeon and Dragons, the major examples include Vampires, Werewolves, and Devils.
Terezi: V4MP1R3S AR3 L1K3 YOUR HUM4N R41NBOW DR1NK3RS R1GHT?
Rose: They are similar, but some traits are inverted to suit the fact that Humans are diurnal rather than nocturnal, and of course we only have one color of blood so there is no "rainbow" involved.
Karkat: I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY DEVILS? AS IN PLURAL?
Rose: "Devil" is a lay term that describes Baatezu and other lawful fiends, contrasting the Tanar'ri and the Yugoloth based largely on ideology on the law/chaos axis. There are many varieties.
Karkat: ALL OF THAT SOUNDED FUCKING TERRIBLE.
Kanaya: On A Scale Of One To Ten How Much Trouble Are We In If There Is A Devil In The Wagon
Dave: depending on the type of devil anywhere from 6 to like 60
Kanaya: Sixty On A Scale Of Ten?
Dave: you heard me
Terezi: 3LDON 4SKS OLG4 3X4CTLY WH4T TYP3 OF CR34TUR3 1S 1N TH3 W4GON
Dave: please dont be a devil
John: she says it's a hamatula
Terezi: WH4TS TH4T?
John: it's a devil.
Dave: fuck
Kanaya: I Do Not Like The Sound Of That
Terezi: WH4TS SH3 DO1NG W1TH 4 D3V1L 1N H3R C1RCUS? >:\
Karkat: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO HELP SOMEBODY WHO'S TRAVELING AROUND WITH A PYROMANIAC DEVIL AND CAN'T EVEN KEEP IT FROM SETTING THEIR LEADER ON FIRE?
Rose: I imagine that will depend on exactly what way in which she wishes you to help.
Terezi: 3LDON W4NTS TO KNOW WH4T TH31R C1RCUS 1S DO1NG W1TH 4 D3V1L!
John: olga says the devil was charmed to behave cooperatively and performed tricks to entertain people and also scared people. their circus was the most thrilling performance in the land.
Karkat: REAL FUCKING THRILLING NOW THAT THEIR CARAVAN IS BURNT AND THEIR PEOPLE ARE HURT.
John: She says that she never liked the devil act very much and that it always seemed dangerous. she'd be happy to see it go.
Kanaya: What Does She Mean By That
John: she says that the four of you look strong enough to defeat the devil in combat. she can move her people a safe distance away from the devil's cage, and then you can kill it.
Karkat: I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT A FUCKING DEVIL.
Rose: Hamatula.
Dave: whatever
Karkat: DO YOU REMEMBER THE RANDOM ELF WHO KICKED OUR ASSES? DO YOU REMEMBER THE GIANT MYSTERY MONSTER WE RAN AWAY FROM? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE CAN FIGHT A PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF EVIL, AND NOT DIE HORRIBLY?
Rose: Well, the party does have a competent and charismatic healer to lead it.
Karkat: Karkat: THE COMPETENT AND CHARISMATIC LEADER DOESN'T WANT TO FUCKING LEAD IT. HE IS BURNED WITH THE DUTY OF STEERING A BUNCH OF IDIOTS THROUGH A WORLD FULL OF MONSTERS AND MURDERERS.
Dave: next version of dnd should be called monsters and murderers
Terezi: WH4T C4N 4 H4M4TUL4 DO 1N 4 F1GHT?
John: i'm glad you asked! everyone who has the knowledge (religion) skill, please roll it.
Dave: yeah im not even going to bother
Dave: brofist is mezmerized by olgas beard
Kanaya: Acrimony Is Not Trained In Religion
Terezi: HOW DO 1 KNOW 1F G4MZ33S C4R4CT3R 1S TR41N3D 1N R3L1G1ON
Rose: All of the skills are in a column on the right. It looks like... my goodness. Does anyone know what Gamzee was attempting to do with his character sheet? It resembles a Rorschach test more than an informational form.
Dave: that indigo scribble is a 7 i think
Rose: Which indigo scribble?
Dave: the one that also kinda looks like a faygo bottle
Dave: next to the one that looks like a clown nose
Rose: I think Gamzee may unintentionally be an incredibly talented abstract postmodern artist.
Karkat: I HAVE FIVE BLANK "KNOWLEDGE" SKILLS LISTED ON MY CHARACTER SHEET. ARE ANY OF THOSE RELIGION?
Rose: When you spend your skill points, you may chose from one of several knowledge skills to put into those blanks. It looks like you put all of your available skill points into Heal?
Karkat: YEAH.
Rose: Then I'm afraid Nookstuffer is not trained in religion.
Karkat: HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? I'M LEVEL 8. I'VE TRAINED WITH ARMOR, MAGIC, AND I GUESS PRAYER SINCE I'M BASICALLY SOME KIND OF PRIEST. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY NOT BE TRAINED IN RELIGION?
Rose: Because DnD.
Karkat: FUCK YOU.
Terezi: TRY1NG TO D3COD3 TH1S 1S M4K1G MY TH1NKP4N HURT, 4ND 1 DONT W4NT TO L1CK G4MZ33'S CH4RSH33T >:[
Rose: I don't think any sentient being in paradox space can fault you for that.
John: thats okay, gamzee is a bard so he has bardic knowledge!
Kanaya: What Is That
Rose: In lieu of making a normal Knowledge skill check, a bard may roll a d20 and add his or her Bard level and intelligence modifier. Technically this can only be used for history, lore, legends, that sort of thing, but it looks like John is allowing it in this instance, since the party is lacking a more applicable skill.
Karkat: FUCK YOU AGAIN.
Rose: I think the majority of the assembled table would object to that in some way or another.
Dave: wow karkat what a rude gesture
Dave: watch out guys. karkat is armed with a middle finger and hes not afraid to use it
Karkat: LALONDE ISN'T THE ONY ONE CAPABLE OF PSYCHOANALYSIS. I'VE DISCOVERED HER WEAKNESS: SHE CAN'T SNARK BACK AGAINST SYMBOLIC GESTURES OF PLATONIC HATRED.
Rose: You've bypassed my damage reduction. I bow to your strategic acumen.
Terezi: 1 ROLL3D 23 BY TH3 W4Y
John: you know that a hamatula is not much bigger than a normal human and physically its not much tougher either. it can teleport and shoot rays of fire and has a few other magical abilities. its entire body is covered in deadly barbs and because of that its nicknamed a barbed devil.
Karkat: DEVIL BARBS. WONDERFUL. I ASSUME IT INFECTS US WITH SOME KIND OF INFERNAL HELL DISEASE OR SOMETHING?
Kanaya: What Makes You Say That
Karkat: BECAUSE WHEN THIS GAME IS TRYING TO BE REASONABLE, IT'S HORRIBLE INSTEAD. WHEN IT'S TRYING TO BE HORRIBLE, IT MANAGES TO BE EVEN WORSE.
Rose: A Hamatula does not, in fact, inflict disease upon its victims. There are however other fiends that have that capability.
Terezi: WH4TS TH4 3XT3NT OF TH3 D3V1L'S T3L3PORT 4B4L1TY?
John: you arent sure. you didn't roll high enough.
Terezi: D4MN
Dave: looks like were going into this fight blind then
Dave: i mean, some of us were going to anyway
Dave: fuck i mean
Dave: some of us go into everything blind and thats okay
Dave: nope still didnt sound right
Dave: hang on lemme pull my foot out of my mouth and ill think of something not pants on head retarded to say
Rose: I think you're trying to avoid offending someone by talking about not talking about their disability. That is impressive.
Karkat: TEREZI'S SENSE OF SMELL PROBABLY OUTCLASSES ALL THE REST OF OUR SENSES PUT TOGETHER. DOES SHE EVEN COUNT AS DISABLED? ALSO, WHO CARES?
Karkat: OW! STOP FUCKING KICKING ME!
Terezi: D4V3 1M 4W4R3 TH4T 1M BL1ND 4ND YOU DONT H4V3 TO 4VO1D US1NG TH4T WORD 4ROUND M3.
Karkat: YEAH, I'M SURE YOU WON'T GET KICKED FOR BEING AN INSENSITIVE JACKASS TO HER. THAT'S MY JOB.
Karkat: FUCKING OW! SEE WHAT I MEAN?
Terezi: >:\
Kanaya: Based Upon What Eldon Knows About This Kind Of Devil
Kanaya: Can We Kill It
Rose: The Hamatula's ability to teleport concerns me the most. It may go after the civillians.
Karkat: YES, AND THE LAST THING WE WANT IS FOR THE CIRCUS OF DEVIL WORSHIPERS TO GET HURT.
Terezi: 1F 1T C4N T3L3PORT, WHY H4SN'T 1T L3FT 1TS C4G3?
John: olga says that the collar it's wearing keeps it from teleporting.
Terezi: DO3S TH3 COLL4R DO 4NNYTH1NG 3LS3?
John: apart from the fact that it's silver and the devil can't remove it, no. the chain attaches to the collar though.
Karkat: IT SEEMS LIKE IF THIS DEVIL IS TRAPPED IN ITS CAGE, AND IT CAN'T TELEPORT, AND IT'S NOT THAT MUCH TOUGHER THAN A HUMAN, WE CAN KILL IT EASILY.
Dave: woah karkats being positive
Karkat: I'M NOT DONE. THIS IS TOO EASY. EGBERT HAS SOMETHING UP HIS SLEEVE.
Kanaya: He Is Wearing Short Sleeves
Karkat: YES THANK YOU FOR THAT INFORMATION.
Kanaya: I Am Just Trying To Be Helpful
Dave: you also have to figure these circus folk are probably all con men
Dave: like for starters olga is probably two fat midgets with a bunch of pubes glued to the top one's face
Rose: That is a profoundly disturbing mental image.
Dave: trust me its the tip of the iceberg ive been hanging out with karkat
Dave: you shouldve heard what he said about spooge earlier
Rose: I'm sure I would love to hear all about it.
Terezi: TH3 F4CT OF TH3 M4TT3R 1S, TH1S D3V1L 1S D4NG3ROUS 4ND 1T N33DS TO B3 PUT DOWN B3FOR3 1T HURTS 4NYON3 3LS3
Terezi: 4FT3RW4RD W3 C4N S33 4BOUT TURN1NG TH3 C1RCUS 1N TO TH3 4UTHOR1T13S FOR CONSORT1NG W1TH D3V1LS.
Karkat: THEY RUN A FUCKING CIRCUS. THIS ISN'T SOME UNDERGROUND CULT THAT SACRIFICES GRUBS TO ALIEN GODS FOR DARK FAVORS. I DON'T THINK ANYONE WILL GIVE A SHIT. PLUS, THEIR LEADER IS DEAD. WHO DO WE TURN IN? OLGA?
Dave: arrest her for being a pair of midgets in disguise
John: olga is not a pair of midgets!
Dave: shut up let me hold on to my fantasy
Rose: This is a fantasy of yours?
Dave: oh god nevermind
Dave: oh jesus rose is actually taking notes
Rose: I apologize for a lack of subtlety. A fantasy of yours involving obesity or facial hair is old information. Midgets are a new development.
Dave: what are you writing there let me see
Rose: You are only asking because you assume I will not want to share. While I normally feel obliged to obey the rule of doctor-patient confidentiality, I have no qualms with sharing my most recent notes about a subject with the subject himself.
Dave: wow you have really small handwriting
Dave: what does obstreperous grandiloquence mean
Rose: For your next birthday, I am going to get you a thesaurus.
Dave: is that a threat
Rose: Of a sort, yes.
Kanaya: Acrimony Agrees With Eldon That The Devil Needs To Be Destroyed Before It Hurts Any One Else
Karkat: THAT'S TWO VOTES FOR FIGHTING. DAVE, I'M SURE I'LL REGRET ASKING THIS, BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO?
Dave: look i dont have to be an expert on demons to know that fire wont do shit
Dave: and thats like all brofist can do
John: you have to have at least some other spells dave
Dave: yeah but nothing good against demons
Rose: Devils.
Dave: hamatulas
Rose: ...point.
Karkat: TWO VOTES FOR FIGHTING, ONE AGAINST. IF I VOTE AGAINST, WE'RE TIED. WHAT DO WE DO THEN?
Dave: woah hey i never said not to fight
Dave: being useless and shitty has never stopped this party before why should it stop us now
Dave: i say we go devil killing
Karkat: GOD DAMN IT. I HATE YOU ALL.
Terezi: TH4TS NOTH1NG N3W
Karkat: ALL RIGHT. NOOKSTUFFER TELLS OLGA THAT WE'LL TAKE THE JOB. IS IT POSSIBLE TO MOVE THE CAGE AWAY FROM THE REST OF THE CARAVAN BEFORE WE PICK A FIGHT?
John: shes says not without getting close enough for it to shoot you with fire
Karkat: I'M SURPRISED IT'S NOT SHOOTING US WITH FIRE RIGHT NOW. WAIT, NEVER MIND, PRETEND I DIDN'T SAY THAT. FUCK.
Dave: we could move the rest of the caravan
Terezi: TH4T M3ANS MOV1NG TH3 WOUND3D THOUGH
Rose: Depending on the extent of their injuries, Nookstuffer may be able to simply heal them first.
Karkat: AND USE UP MY LIMITED DAILY HEALING? ALL OF YOU WOULD BE DEAD AND BURIED IF IT WASN'T FOR ME.
Kanaya: Terezi Could Heal Them
Terezi: G4MZ33'S CH4R4CT3R C4N H34L >:?
Rose: The Bard is capable of doing a little bit of everything.
Dave: hey before we go wasting our awesome magic on unnamed npcs
Dave: how badly hurt are they
John: i'm glad someone thought to ask! roll heal.
Dave: yeah i'll just go ahead and add that to the list of skills not worth attempting
Dave: brofist continues to ogle olga's beard
Karkat: OH LOOK, THE ONE SKILL I HAVE AND IT'S ACTUALLY RELEVANT. IT ONLY TOOK SEVERAL IN-GAME DAYS AND NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES FOR IT TO COME UP
Karkat: OH LOOK, THE DIE IS A 10. I'M SO THRILLED TO ROLL AVERAGE ON SOMETHING THAT COMES UP ONCE EVERY MILLION YEARS. OVERJOYED. STRUCK-DUMB WITH ENTHUSIASM.
Terezi: JUST T3LL US WH4T TH3 TOT4L IS
Karkat: 25. LET ME GUESS, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
John: you did fine! Nookstuffer knows each patient can be patched up and be safe to move with a cure light wounds spell.
Karkat: SO BASICALLY THE SHITTIEST HEALING SPELL I HAVE CAN HEAL THEM. HOW CONVENIENT. IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE GAME MASTER IS INTENTIONALLY ALLOWING US TO GO INTO THE FIGHT WITH THE FUCKING DEVIL WITH ALL OUR ABILITIES FULLY CHARGED. I WONDER IF IT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH?
Rose: If memory serves, a hamatula has a challenge rating somewhere around ten or eleven.
Karkat: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. NO, DON'T BOTHER EXPLAINING, I'M PERFECTLY CONTENT TO REMAIN IGNORANT, ESPECIALLY IF AND WHEN WE ALL DIE HORRIBLY DUE TO OUR AMAZING LACK OF COMPETENCE AND TEAMWORK.
Terezi: 1F YOU C4N SP4R3 TH3 M4G1C TO H34L TH3 P3OPL3 YOU SHOULD DO 1T
Kanaya: And Then We Can Move Them Well Clear Of Where The Fighting Will Take Place
Karkat: FINE, I'LL HEAL THEM. BUT I'M WORRIED THAT THE DEVIL CAN TELEPORT. I DOUBT ANYWHERE WILL BE SAFE FROM THE DEMON.
Dave: devil
Rose: Hamatula.
Dave: fuck
Karkat: WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO CALL IT. IF IT'S GOING TO LIVE UP TO ITS NAMESAKE, IT'S GOING TO IMMEDIATELY TELEPORT TO WHERE THE CIRCUS PEOPLE ARE HIDING AND MURDER ALL OF THEM.
Dave: we just have to keep it distracted
Kanaya: If It Believes We Are A Big Enough Threat It Wont Ignore Us Just To Attack The Circus People
Karkat: UNLESS IT'S REALLY FUCKING PISSED AT THEM.
Rose: Or if it decides to use them as hostages.
Terezi: 1S 1T 3V3N POSS1BL3 TO K1LL 4 D3MON?
John: i'm glad you asked! roll knowledge (the planes).
Karkat: FUCK, ANOTHER SKILL I DON'T HAVE.
Terezi: G4MZ33 DOSN'T H4V3 1T 31TH3R
Kanaya: Acrimony Rolled Three
Dave: brofist has been ogling olga nonstop for like ten minutes
Rose: This party may want to invest in an intelligence-based class, possibly a Wizard of some kind.
Karkat: VRISKA WAS OUR INTELLIGNECE, STRANGE AS IT SOUNDS.
Terezi: TH4TS 4 T3RR1BL3 1D34
Terezi: VR1SK4 1S CUNN1NG, NOT SM4RT
Dave: rose dont think i didnt see what you just did there. you want to join us as wizardy herbert or some shit
Rose: I promise you on my dead cat's grave I do not want to join you as like Wizardy Herbert, or some shit.
Dave: thats so specific it has to be genuine
Rose: You would be the local expert on sinserity.
Dave: you take that fucking back
John: no one knows how killing a devil works. you think maybe a holy weapon would help but that's all you really know.
Karkat: IF THERE'S ANY GROUP OF PEOPLE I TRUST TO BATTLE A POSSIBLY UNKILLABLE MONSTER, IT'S THE ASSHOLES ASSEMBLED IN THIS ROOM RIGHT HERE.
Terezi: 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO H34L TH3 WOUND3D 4T 4NY PO1NT K4RK4T?
Karkat: I TELL OLGA TO GET HER PEOPLE TO PACK UP THEIR SHIT AND MOVE WAY DOWN THE ROAD. PREFERABLY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A HILL OR SOMETHING SO THE DEVIL DOESN'T SEE FREE CANDY TO GO MURDER.
Rose: That's an interesting metaphor. You associate candy with murder?
Karkat: THEN I GO OVER AND HEAL THE TWO ASSHOLES.
Dave: why are you healing their assholes
Dave: what did the devil do to them
Karkat: COULD THE STRIDER-LALONDE CONTINGENT PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP? I HEAL THE FIRST PERSON FOR 11 AND THE SECOND ONE FOR 9.
John: both of them look much better. they thank you and then go help with getting the caravan moving.
Terezi: TH1S M1GHT B3 4 B1T L4T3 TO 4SK, BUT DO3S OLG4 H4V3 4NY MOR3 S1LV3R?
John: she says she doesn't have anything that would help with fighting a devil.
Terezi: Y3S BUT DO3S SH3 H4V3 4NY S1LV3R 4T 4LL? W3 M1GHT B3 4BL3 TO F1ND 4 US3
John: she thinks for a moment, then says she has a silver necklace in another cart. she doesn't know if it'll help but maybe it'll repel the devil or something?
Karkat: WE SHOULD TAKE ANY ADVANTAGE WE CAN GET.
Terezi: 3LDON 4SKS 1F W3 C4N BORROW 1T
John: she says she'll go grab it.
Dave: dibs
Karkat: FUCK YOU, YOU'RE THE LEAST USEFUL PERSON FOR FIGHTING THE DEMON.
Kanaya: Devil
John: hamatula
Karkat: ASSHOLE MONSTER. WHO THE FUCK CARES. BROFIST IS NOT GETTING THE CHAIN.
Dave: can we all stop and acknowledge what a horrible mental picture an asshole monster is
Rose: It's certainly a striking vision.
Terezi: 1 4M MORT1F1ED
Karkat: BESIDES, WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IF WEARING A SILVER CHAIN WILL DO ANYTHING. WHY EVEN BOTHER?
Dave: its not about the chain and its not about the devil
Dave: its about bling
Karkat: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE. THERE'S NO ARGUING LOGIC WITH YOU, IS THERE? FINE, ASSHOLE, YOU CAN HAVE THE CHAIN. I HOPE THE DEVIL CHOKES YOU WITH IT.
Dave: dude that would be such a rad way to go
Dave: choked to death by a devil with a fucking gypsy chain
Rose: I believe the term "gypsy" is widely seen as an ethnic slur.
Dave: i've been hanging out with karkat all day, youre lucky my slurs are only ethnic
Karkat: YOU HUMANS HAVE ETHNIC SLURS? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE IF YOUR HEMOSPECTRUM ONLY HAS ONE COLOR IN IT?
Rose: Despite our civilization's short existence compared to yours, we managed to come up with a wide range of arbitrary ways to divide ourselves, many of which are largely color-based. I suppose we have the creators of our universe to thank for that.
Dave: rose are you blaming karkat for racism
John: moving on. the caravan moves out, leaving behind the covered wagon. after a little while they disappear over a hill and can no longer be seen on the horizon. you are now alone with a hamatula in a cage.
Dave: so how are we actually supposed to fight this thing
Kanaya: Do We Think It Is Aware Of us
Karkat: I ASSUME IT'S HEARD US PLANNING THIS ENTIRE TIME. PLUS, IT PROBABLY NOTICED WHEN ALL THE RANDOM ASSHOLES IN THE CARAVAN LEFT.
Terezi: C4N 1T SM3LL US?
John: you don't know.
Rose: What is the covered wagon covered with?
John: its basically a tarp.
Kanaya: Are We Working Under The Assumption That The Devil Is Resistant to Fire Damage
Dave: yeah
Karkat: WERE YOU THINKING OF JUST SETTING ITS WAGON ON FIRE?
Kanaya: It Would Avoid Us Fighting The Hamatula Directly And Risking Injury
Terezi: 3LDON 1S GO1NG TO 4PPRO4CH TH3 W4GON C4R3FULLY 4ND L1ST3N FOR TH3 SOUND OF BR34TH1NG
John: you don't hear anything but you arent sure if devils need to breathe in the first place.
Terezi: 1S TH3R3 4 W4Y TO OP3N TH3 W4GON?
John: you see the side of the wagon has a big door that looks like it'll swing open but wherever the latch is it must be under the cover.
Kanaya: I Do Not See A Convenient Way Of Fighting The Hamatula Without Removing The Cover
Rose: I believe we have pussy-footed around long enough. Removing the cover is the only way to proceed.
Kanaya: Acrimony Approaches The Cart From Behind And Is Ready To Pull The Cover Free
Dave: we should all surround it on different sides so it cant blast us with fire all at once
Karkat: BRILLIANT PLAN, STRIDER. SPLITTING UP IS ALWAYS THE WAY TO GO.
Dave: were not splitting up were surrounding it
Karkat: ITS NOT REALLY SURROUNDED WHEN ONE OF THE SOUNDERS IS A MAGICAL FUCKWAD WHO CAN ONLY DO FIRE SPELLS THAT DON'T WORK ON DEMONS.
Terezi: D3V1LS
Karkat: HAMATULAS! I DON'T FUCKING CARE! CAN WE PLEASE JUST FUCKING KILL THIS THING SO WE CAN MOVE ON?
Kanaya: Acrimony Pulls The Cover Free
John: at first glance the cage appears empty. when you look closer you see a shiny silver collar lying in the cage with a chain connecting it to the floor. there is also a folded piece of paper lying next to the collar.
Rose: Hmm.
Terezi: WH4T 4R3 YOU TH1NKNG ROS3?
Rose: I think from my position it would be exceptionally unsporting of me to metagame at this juncture. I do not wish to share what I am thinking at this time.
Karkat: IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE MONSTER GOT AWAY AND NONE OF THE CIRCUS PEOPLE NOTICED?
Dave: they were probably dragging it around for a while before it attacked them
Dave: i think theyd notice if it suddenly ollied outie
Terezi: 1S TH3R3 4NYTH1NG WR1TT3N ON TH3 P4P3R
John: you can see writing on the other side of it but youd have to unfold it to read it.
Terezi: TH1S 1S CL34RLY 4 TR4P.
Karkat: YES.
Kanaya: I Agree
Dave: trapped or not can we resist the urge to read the note the devil left for us
Karkat: "WE" CAN, BECAUSE SOME OF US HAVE SELF FUCKING CONTROL. YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IMBECILIC CHILD MASQUERADING AS A SLIGHTLY SELF AWARE AND SLIGHTLY LESS IMBECILIC CHILD.
Dave: hey man i never claimed to be self aware
Dave: self awareness is for people who give a fuck
Karkat: BEFORE BROFIST RUNS INTO THE CAGE AND GETS HIMSELF KILLED, I VOLUNTEER TO OPEN THE DOOR. CAUTIOUSLY.
Rose: Tactically speaking that may be unwise, considering that you are the party's primary healer.
Terezi: 3LDON 1s CLOS3R 4NYW4Y, I1LL JUST OP3N 1T
John: you unlatch the latch and the door swings open. do you go inside?
Terezi: 1 W4NT MY W34PON R34DY B3FOR3 1 DO. WH4TS 3LDON'S W34PON?
Rose: Looks like it says... "Dr. Alvin Wrecks." I assume that is supposed to spell "Dwarven Waraxe."
Terezi: 1S TH4T JUST 4 SM4LL AX3?
Rose: No, it's a sort of oversized axe that's balanced for a race of stocky but tough people. It has one large blade and is very effective in the right hands.
Terezi: 4R3 G4MZ33'S H4NDS TH3 R1GHT H4NDS?
Rose: I imagine not.
Dave: yo legit dr alvin wrecks is a baller name for a rapper or a demolitions expert
Dave: can he be both
John: sure dave.
Rose: Does he have a doctorate in rapping, or in demolitions? Do they give out doctorates in either of those fields?
Dave: well theres dr. dre
Rose: He is a medical doctor.
Dave: wait really
Rose: Yes. A surgeon, actually, specializing in liposuction. He needs a constant supply of adipose tissue from which he can extract the fat for the fat beats he is always dropping.
Dave: wow and here i thought we couldn't get any whiter
Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO EVEN TALKING ABOUT? TOGETHER YOU'RE ALMOST AS BAD AS GAMZEE.
Kanaya: I Disagree
Terezi: 3LDON IS GO1NG TO C4UT1OUSLY APPRO4CH TH3 NOT3
John: okay. you are standing next to the note.
Terezi: 3LDON P1CKS 1T UP AND UNFOLDS 1T
John: do you read it?
Terezi: Y3S
John: the note is written in what apears to be red ink but might actually be blood. it says "thanks for opening the door"
Kanaya: Uh Oh
John: everyone sees the door to the wagon suddenly slam shut and there's a sound like a metallic chain breaking. the paper terezi was holding fades out of existence, revealing it to be part of an illusion. at the same time, the hamatula fades into existence outside of the cart. it's a humanoid creature with thick leathery skin covered in barbs, and a thick tail. there is a silver collar around its neck but the chain has been broken. it looks like the devil cast an illusion to make the cart look empty, then when the door was open, it hopped outside and slammed the door on its chain, breaking it.
Dave: oh fuck
John: i need everyone to roll initiative
Karkat: 6
Kanaya: 24
Dave: 15
Terezi: WH4T DO 1 ROLL FOR TH1S?
Rose: d20 plus gamzee's initiative modifier. Which... appears to be a juggling pin.
Terezi: 1M NO M4TH3M4T1C14N BUT 1 DON'T TH1NK JUGGL1NG P1N 1S 4 NUMB3R
Rose: I don't think so either. You would normally add your dexterity modifier, which in Gamzee's case appears to be some kind of 2 that got distracted halfway through and started to turn into a letter F.
Terezi: 13
Dave: so d20 plus juggling pin plus 2 slash 4 equals 13
Dave: did we just invent a new kind of math
Kanaya: Technically Gamzee Invented It
Dave: scary thought
Karkat: WHO'S GOING FIRST?
John: the devil.
Dave: seriously? kanaya rolled like a million
Kanaya: The Die Was An Eighteen
John: the hamatula rolled a natural 20. its going to attack karkat's character with a scorching ray.
Karkat: FIRST OF ALL. HIS NAME IS NOOKSTUFFER. GET IT RIGHT. SECOND, WHAT THE FUCK IS A SCORCHING RAY?
John: it fires two red beams of fiery energy at you. you take... 14 damage and 19 damage.
Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK? IT DOESN'T HAVE TO ROLL TO HIT OR ANYTHING? IS THERE NO DEFENSE AGAINST THIS?
Rose: Scorching Ray and other "magical ray" attacks are going to target your touch AC. Your armor and shield doesn't apply to this attack, so your only defense is your dexterity and possibly other magic items or spells.
Karkat: BUT MY DEXTERITY IS GARBAGE. I'M AN ARMORED PRIEST, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
Rose: Then it looks like your touch AC is 10. The Hamatula only needs to get ten or higher on its attack roll in order to hit you with that particular attack.
Karkat: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKK.
Terezi: 1F 1T N33DS TO ROLL 10 ON 4 TW3NTY S1D3D D13 TH4TS NOT TH4T B4D
Rose: You misunderstand. In order to hit Karkat, the total on its attack roll needs to be ten or higher. That's the die roll plus whatever its attack bonus is.
Kanaya: That Is Alarming
Dave: john out of curiosity whats its attack bonus for that spell
John: it's uh... eighteen.
Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK.
Rose: So in order to miss Karkat with that scorcing ray, the Hamatula would need to roll a negative nine on its die.
Terezi: 1 4SSUM3 TH4T C4N'T H4PP3N
Rose: You assume correctly, yes.
Karkat: WELL, I'M DEAD YOU GUYS. HOPE YOU ALL HAD FUN. I CERTAINLY DIDN'T. I'LL SEE YOU ALL NEXT... NEVER.
Dave: wait are you actually dead
Dave: you took a bunch of damage but you still have like half your hp
Karkat: UNLESS EGBERT ROLLS GARBAGE ON WHATEVER DAMAGE DICE HE WAS ROLLING, THERE'S ALMOST NO WAY THE HAMATULA WON'T KILL ME ON ITS NEXT TURN. I MAY AS WELL ALREADY BE OUT OF THE FIGHT.
Kanaya: You Could Heal Yourself On Your Next Turn
Karkat: THAT'S
Karkat: OKAY YES. I COULD DO THAT. GOD DAMN IT.
John: kanaya is next
Kanaya: Acrimony Rages And Charges The Devil
John: you have to go around the cart to get to the devil since you were on the other side, so you can't technically charge. but you can, like, walk to it and attack.
Kanaya: I Will Do That Then
Kanaya: Thirty
John: you definitely hit. roll for damage.
Kanaya: With A Yell Of Barbarian Rage Acrimony Does Twenty One Points Of Damage
Rose: A fine rebuttal to the cleric being mortally wounded, apparently.
John: unfortunately the devil appears to have damage reduction and some of that damage is negated.
Kanaya: What
Rose: A common trait among demons and devils is the ability to reduce damage from physical attacks unless the weapon bears certain special properties, such as being made of a special material or being aligned to a philosophical ideal such as good or evil.
Karkat: ARE YOU TELLING ME WE CAN'T EVEN HURT THIS THING?
Rose: You can hurt it. It's just going to take a long time if you're using the wrong weapons.
Karkat: WELL WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE RIGHT WEAPONS?
Rose: Dave is giving me the evil eye. I don't think I should tell you. Metagaming and whatnot.
John: speaking of dave, he's next.
Dave: i'm not even going to try to fuck with the hamatula
Dave: i cast haste
Karkat: PLEASE EXPLAIN TO US, STRIDER, WHAT WONDERFUL USELESS THING YOU'RE CASTING NOW.
Dave: it makes everyone move at double speed and lets us make an extra attack each round
Karkat: THAT'S ACTUALLY... WAIT, YOU'RE BEING USEFUL. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH STRIDER?
Dave: devils dont fuck around. neither does brofist
Karkat: BROFIST HAS DONE ALMOST NOTHING *BUT* FUCK AROUND THIS ENTIRE CAMPAIGN YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
Dave: devils are serious man do i look like im joking
Dave: this is my serious face right here
Dave: see
John: terezi is next
Terezi: C4N 3LDON 4TT1CK TH3 D4V1L THROUGH TH3 B4RS OF TH3 C4GE?
John: sure, the hamatula is still basically standing next to the door
Terezi: WH4T 4M 1 ROLL1NG FOR TH1S?
Rose: Looks like... hmm. Gamzee has not made the odds work in your favor.
Terezi: WH4T DO YOU M34N?
Rose: Well, explaining where all his various penalties are coming from would be time-consuming. Let's just say that you need to roll a natural twenty or else you will miss and do no damage.
Terezi: 4ND 3V3N 1F 1 H1T, 1 DO L3SS D4M4G3?
Rose: I'm afraid so.
Terezi: 1'M BEG1NN1NG TO R3GR3T PL4Y1NG G4MZ33'S DUMB CH4R4CT3R. >:\
Rose: The good news is, you normally get to make two attacks, and Dave's spell is giving you a third. Eventually you're bound to hit something.
Terezi: >:\
Terezi: W3LL TH4TS 4 TH1RT33N, 4 N1N3, 4ND 4N 31GHT33N.
John: karkat goes next.
Karkat: FUCK.
Karkat: WE ARE SO COMPLETELY SCREWED. ALL I CAN DO IS HEAL MYSELF.
Karkat: CURE SERIOUS WOUNDS TO HEAL FOR 23.
John: would you like to move?
Karkat: I THINK NOOKSTUFFER IS FINE EXACTLY WHERE HE IS. MAYBE WE'LL GET LUCKY AND THE DEVIL WILL JUST KEEP USING THAT SAME SPELL ON ME.
Rose: Acrimony is currently engaging the enemy in melee combat. It's unlikely that it will continue using its spell-like ability, as that would provoke attacks of opportunity from her.
Karkat: THEN WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO, OH WISE AND MIGHTY LALONDE OF THE HOUSE OF DND FUCKERY?
Rose: It would perhaps be tactically wise to flank it. Provided, of course, that you are not afraid of getting into melee range of the enemy.
Karkat: SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL IDEA. LET'S FUCKING DO THAT.
John: nookstuffer moves behind the hamatula. right now the hamatula is standing next to the door of the wagon, terezi is attacking it through the bars, and nookstuffer and acrimony are flanking it.
John: and that makes it the hamatula's turn. it's going to attack the barbarian.
Kanaya: Acrimony Is Not Afraid
John: it uh... rolled 36 to hit
Kanaya: That Well Exceeds My Armor Class
John: you take 12 points of damage. and i need you to roll a will save against fear
Dave: didnt she just say acrimony was not afraid
Kanaya: Twenty
John: acrimony is not afraid
Kanaya: Acrimony Is Indeed Not Afraid
John: the devil makes a second attack, this time at nookstuffer
Karkat: OH GOOD.
John: 27?
Karkat: YOU KNOW THAT'S A FUCKING HIT EGBERT. HEY, I HAVE A QUESTION, HOW DO WE MAKE OUR ARMOR CLASS HIGHER?
Rose: Magic items, mostly. Rings of protection, amulets of natural armor, magic armor and magic shields. The supplemental book Races of Stone also has some lovely feats for those wearing heavy armor, if John will allow it. For those not proficient with armor, bracers of armor and a monk's belt are handy. And a dusty rose prism ioun stone is an inexpensive way to get an extra +1.
John: karkat you take 11 damage and you need to roll a will save vs fear
Karkat: 26. FUCK YOU.
Kanaya: What Is A Dusty Rose Prism Ioun Stone
Dave: its a magic rock
Terezi: TH4TS 4 H3LL OF 4 N4M3 FOR JUST 4 M4G1C ROCK
Dave: its a magic rock that orbits around your head and does awesome magic rock things
Terezi: WOULD YOU S4Y TH4T 1T ROCKS? >:P
Dave: never change tz
Karkat: CAN WE MOVE ON?
John: kanaya goes next.
Kanaya: Is Dave's Spell Granting Acrimony A Third Attack
Dave: yeah and it also gives you +1 to all your attacks I think
Rose: That is correct.
Kanaya: Acrimony Rolls Twenty Nine On Her First Attack
John: you hit. roll damage
Kanaya: Eighteen Damage
Kanaya: Acrimony's Second Attack is Twenty Eight And If That Hits It Is Another Nineteen Damage
Kanaya: The Third Attack Is A Natural Twenty
Terezi: >:O
John: critical hit!
Dave: its super effective
Dave: wait wrong game
Kanaya: With A Roar Acrimonys Greataxe Does Fifty One Points Of Damage
Rose: I hate to be a spoil sport, but John is forgetting something very important.
John: whats that rose?
Rose: Read the Hamatula's entry in the Monster Manual again. It should have an ability called "barbed defense" or something along those lines.
Terezi: TH4T DO3SNT SOUND GOOD
Rose: A Hamatula is nicknamed a Barbed Devil because its body is covered in large, razor-sharp barbs. When a foe strikes it in melee combat, they take damage from the spines.
Karkat: ARE YOU TELLING ME WE CAN'T EVEN HIT THIS THING WITHOUT GETTING HURT?
Rose: Not unless someone brought along a polearm.
John: yeah uh... you take 1d8+6 damage from each of those hits. thats... 33 total.
Kanaya: Ow
Terezi: K4N4Y4 1 4M CONC3RN3D FOR YOUR S4F3TY
Kanaya: Acrimony Is Unfortunately Not Concerned For Her Own Safety At The Moment Due To Barbarian Rage
John: terezi goes next
Terezi: 1F 3LDON 4TT4CKS 4ND M1SSES, DO TH3 SP1N3S D34L D4M4GE D4M4GE?
Rose: I don't believe so.
Terezi: M4Y 4S W3LL TRY
Dave: you have a 1 in 20 chance of hitting and youve already tried three times
Dave: so thats like 1 in 17 now
Terezi: TH4T 1SN'T HOW PROB4B1L1TY WORKS >:\
Terezi: W3LL MY F1RST ROLL 1S A THR33
Karkat: FUCK.
Terezi: 4ND TH3N N1N3.
Terezi: 4ND TH3N 31GHT.
Karkat: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Dave: one in 14 now
Terezi: D4V3 SHUT UP
Dave: hang on i think i got skipped
Dave: i went before terezi last time
Dave: this is a tragedy of justice
Rose: Travesty.
Dave: nope i meant tragedy
Dave: i demand compensation
John: dave just take your turn
Dave: magic goddamn missile on the demon
Rose: Devil.
Kanaya: Hamatula
Karkat: BARBED DEVIL, APPARENTLY.
Dave: 12
Karkat: GREAT. SO UNLESS YOUR MAGIC MISSILES ARE MADE OUT OF HOLY WATER OR SOMETHING, THE DEVIL'S GOING TO REDUCE YOUR ALMOST NOTHING DOWN TO NOTHING.
Rose: Actually, the Magic Missile spell deals force damage, not physical damage. It is not subject to damage reduction.
Dave: use the force karkat
Karkat: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
Dave: hey i just had a thought do you guys have troll star wars
Karkat: WE HAVE MILLENNIA OF INTERGALACTIC CONQUEST. THAT TENDS TO INVOLVE SPACE WARFARE.
Dave: i meant the movie series but i guess you guys have the real thing
John: karkat goes next
Karkat: I HEAL KANAYA FOR 32.
Karkat: WHOOPEE I'M DONE.
Dave: i dont think ive ever heard you say whoopee before
Rose: It is somewhat disturbing.
Karkat: BOTH OF YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES. THE DEVIL GOES NEXT AND IT'S GOING TO BRUTALLY MURDER ALL OF US.
John: actually the devil is going to teleport away.
Karkat: WHY THE FUCK IS IT DOING THAT.
John: you guys are kind of kicking its ass. you have it surrounded and you've done a lot of damage to it.
Terezi: 3V3N W1TH 1TS D4M4G3 R3DUCT1ON?
John: yeah. its pretty hurt and the one who hurt it the most has been healed.
Rose: I believe when the creature attempts to use its teleport spell-like ability, it will provoke an attack of opportunity.
John: oh yeah. everybody in melee range make an attack.
Karkat: I DON'T THINK I HAVE A WEAPON. DOES THAT MEAN I DON'T GET TO HAVE FUN WITH THE REST OF YOU?
Dave: dude why dont you have a weapon
Karkat: I'M A HEALER.
Dave: yeah but you can still hit shit
Rose: Perhaps you should add a weapon for Karkat to your shopping list for when the party arrives at the next town.
Kanaya: I Rolled A Nineteen On My Die I Assume That Will Hit
John: yeah it des
Terezi: 1 ROLL3D 4 TW3NTY
Karkat: THAT'S A CRITICAL HIT.
Dave: holy crap she beat the odds
Rose: With a dwarven waraxe you deal triple damage on a critical hit. So you roll... a D10 plus eight, and then triple your result.
Kanaya: Acrimony Does Sixteen Damage
Terezi: 3LDON D34LS F1FTY
John: the hamatula is dead.
John: as it dies it erupts into flames and is banished back to the evil realm it came from. you smell fire and brimstone as it leaves.
Dave: holy shit we are so fucking awesome
Terezi: D1D 1T DROP 4NY LOOT?
John: nope.
Kanaya: We Should Go Back To The Caravan And Let Them Know That The Devil Is Dealt With
Rose: Reasonable proposition.
Karkat: WE SHOULD TELL THEM THEY OWE US BIG TIME. THAT THING NEARLY KILLED US.
Dave: owe us what
Dave: theyre poor circus people and you took their only bling
Karkat: YOU TOOK IT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.
Terezi: TH3 3N3MY W4S TOUGH BUT W3 H4NDL3D 1T W1THOUT M4JOR PROBL3MS
Terezi: D3SP1T3 ON3 OF US H4V1NG TO PL4Y W1TH G4MZ33S NONS3NS3 CH4R4CT3R
Kanaya: I Think You Handled It Quite Well All Things Considered
Terezi: W3LL ROS3 D1D H3LP
Rose: To be fair, I also helped the enemy remember its own abilities.
Karkat: YEAH, THANKS FOR THAT.
Terezi: 1 TH1NK 1 WOULD L1K3 TH1S G4M3 B3TT3R 1F 1 W4S PL4Y1NG 4 CHR4CT3R TH4T 1 4CTU4LLY M4D3
John: yeah this is a good stopping point. someone needs to go find gamzee i guess.
Karkat: AS USUAL I GUESS I'LL VOLUNTEER TO TRACK DOWN THE STUPID FUCKWAD.
Rose: John and I can assist Terezi with the character creation process.
Dave: hot
John: shut up dave.
Dave: hey since were stopping can we level up
Kanaya: I Did Notice That Our Game Master Was Not Handing Out Experience Points Earlier
John: oh yeah i forgot about that!
Karkat: YOU FORGOT.
John: yeah its normally a bunch of extra unnecessary math when you hand out xp individually. i like just saying "you level up!" instead.
Dave: then can we level up
John: yes. the whole party levels up.
Dave: fuck yes level nine here we come
Rose: I assume Terezi's character will be created at level nine?
John: yeah of course.
Karkat: OH GOD. GAMZEE'S GOING TO HAVE TO LEVEL UP HIS RETARDED MESS OF A CHARACTER.
Kanaya: Someone May Have To Help Him
Dave: god save us all

To be continued...