Suicidal Software Developer
- Recently something I've been battling has reached a point where I no longer feel I can continue to move. Its eating into the daytime and as a result is becoming increasingly harder to mask.
- As a software developer in London its somewhat difficult to comprehend what better opportunity In life I have. I work in a tech startup, in an office which many of you know. I'm the guy in the pretentious coffee shop and a face in the crowd at meetups. No-one knows me.
- I don't have many friends but yesterday shared my problems with an ex-colleague who I thought might help. She's a typical "founder" and without realising didn't listen to a word I said (sounds like I'm angsty but in the end we spoke more about her previous suffering than my present) which left me feeling deflated. I have previously come close to killing myself twice before and for a while have had my being shadowed by this void of purpose but yesterday crying into my hands on the bus home I decided that it had reached a new peak. I'm finding myself nearly falling asleep at work in the afternoon and waking up feeling like I've been punched in the head. I'm writing shoddy code. I'm finding myself alone at 7pm looking at others yearning for what they have, I exercise to distract and then eat out alone. I walk home by myself with this shadow following me ensuring that I'm fully aware there is no-one to go home too.
- Only a few months ago I was in a long-term relationship, she was my identity and in the end she broke it off. We had a flat, cat (not my idea originally but I figured it would suit the beard) and was looking at buying a family car for kids the following year. Now I'm not going to say my problems are from being broken up with. But before I met her (21) I was working for the thrill and during our relationship it became apparent that this person was going to be the mother of my children (vice-versa from her side too). I saved money for a deposit, saved money for a car and was saving money for our children's future education. I had a purpose. It was to build a nest. I put up with a lot of startup bullshit when I was with her and our shared vision was the reason I did that. I find myself alone in a flat full of boxes no longer having a purpose. I look at other peoples kids (not in a weird way!) and it feels only like yesterday that I would be looking forward to having one of my own. I was looking forward to learning who my children would of been as they grew up.
- The reasons preventing me from killing myself fall into two categories.
- - 50% is not wanting to put others through torment. Walking out into traffic will result in someone driving home from work and killing someone. I don't want that. Creating a cocktail of cough syrup and drugs would result in my new flatmate finding me days later. I don't want that either. Honestly, I worry just how long it would take people to realise I'm missing. Weeks?
- - 10% is how illogical it is. I work with logic all day. It almost feels ingrained into my being to try and find a logical way to process this.
- There is no other 40%.
- I went to samaritans for this first time last night but you might be wondering why I'm putting this on /r/programming. Well, one is that your my people. I think its fair to say that people who enjoy programming have a different outlook on life and the tech "scene" is quite the beast to understand (the nuances of what its like emotionally to be a programmer). Plus, I secretly hope that there is others like me out there that have found the light.
- - How does one break this news to his fellow colleagues and boss? How would you do it? I pride myself in my professionalism and one of the primary reasons for seeking help was the realisation that it was getting in the way of work. I'm no DHH or TenderLove but I feel like my reputation would be marred.
- - Should I quit my job to get better? The loneliness of being unemployed worries me deeply but I just can't fathom why someone would employ a broken person. Especially one whose skills are in logical thought battling the desire to end his life.
- I don't know what to do.