Act 1 Scene 1
Darkness
Mark: (earnestly) Hi. My name’s Mark. I’m fifteen years old, and I always thought I had a normal life. That I was a normal guy, doing the same things everyone else does, get up, go to school, eat, sleep, work, piss about with my mates. I had no idea that that summer, that summer was going to be special, that I would get in way over my head and that it would completely change my life. (Breathily) That summer. That was the summer when I could finally call myself a man. And this, is the story of that sum…
 A door opens. Lights fade in to reveal marks room, probably messy, mark stood by his desk gesturing to the audience, holding a piece of paper. Josh walks in, grinning, interrupting Mark, and Mark attempts to hide the paper, flustered.
Josh: Hi, Mark! What’s that you’ve got?
Mark: What? Oh, er, that’s, …that’s nothing. Just a bit of paper.
Josh: (moving closer) Really.
Mark: (turning away) yeah.
Josh: Right. So, what were you doing, just then.
Mark: What do you mean?
Josh: I could hear something.
Mark: I…I…was watching porn.
Josh: Oh, okay. Porn. What sort of porn?
Mark:  Erm, lesbian. Lesbian Porn.
Josh: Yeah? What were the lesbians doing?
Mark: they, er, they were these two, like, hot blondes, and….er…. they were sticking big… kitchen appliances… into each other (unconsciously makes suggestive motion), and then… a big man came… and he made them both suck his, (Josh makes a grab for the paper) his, hey, what are you doing!
Josh: I could hear you talking, for like a minute. I was outside.
Mark: Shit. Seriously?
Josh: Yeah.
Pause.
Mark:  I know it’s stupid, but, I…I sort of…imagine what my life would be like, if it were a holywood film. I mean, I would have this cool opening monologue, you know, and then it would cut to a scene of me chatting with all my, like, awesome mates, and then…
Josh: (interrupting) You are one nerdy little boy, aren’t you? What, you think our lives are gonna be turned into a Hollywood movie? If we’re lucky, our lives will be turned into a fucking radio play on bbc four that that doesn’t make our audience of retired university lecturers and guardian readers vomit out of sheer boredom.
Pause
Mark: Well, it’s just a fantasy, isn’t it? We all have fantasies.
Josh: Yeah, but I don’t know many people who actually write a fucking script and act it out in their bedrooms!
Mark: (in a small voice.) Well, how many people do you actually know?
Josh looks sad for a second, than grins again.
Josh: Probably more than you, mate, probably more than you.
Mark gives a half fake laugh.
Mark: So…you want to go play on the Wii?
Josh: I thought you’d never ask. I thought you’d never fucking ask.
They leave the room, discussing which games to play in low voices the audience can barely hear.
Mark: Mario kart, or?
Josh: Nah, I fancy a bit of brawl.
Mark: Yeah, brawl sounds good to me.


Act 1 Scene 2
They put down their controllers and relax into their seats.
Josh: You going to Ellie’s party, then?
Mark: Yeah, I think so. It’s weird. I’ve no idea why we got invited.
Josh: Maybe it’s a cruel joke. They’re just luring us there so they can bum us.
Mark: Maybe. Don’t you think it’s more likely they just invited everyone they could. And forget we were massive losers?
Josh: No, I still think bumming is involved. It usually is.
Mark: No, it’s not.
Josh: All right, fine.
Pause. Josh stares into the distance.
Josh: What are we going to do at the party? I don’t know anyone who’s there.
Mark: Yeah you do, there’s loads of kids from school, isn’t there?
Josh: Yeah, I don’t fucking know them, though. I couldn’t talk to them for more than a few minutes before it gets awkward.
Mark: Stop stressing about it.
Josh: Stop stressing? Stop stressing? Fuck you, Mark. Fuck. You.
Mark: What?
Josh: I can’t just turn off my stress, can I? Do you think I enjoy feeling like my stomach is a tumble dryer, or, or, a terrified bear all the time.
Mark: You could probably do some meditation or something. It actually calms you down, you know.
Josh: I’m not just sitting around for an hour not doing anything except thinking about clouds or Jesus’s face, or whatever you do.
Mark: You only have to do it for about ten minutes.
Josh: Fuck you, Mark, fuck you.
Mark: I’m only trying to give you advice. It’s not like you even have to go to the party.
Josh: Fuck off, yes I do, because it’s the last time I’m going to get invited to anything, ever. If I don’t leap at this opportunity, how the fuck I am I going to ever get laid.
Mark: Well, you probably won’t get laid at the party, I mean-
Josh: Yeah, I fucking know, I’m just saying, it’s my only chance.
Mark: It’s not your only chance ever, is it? If you don’t get laid at the party, you still have your whole life ahead of you to-
Josh: You don’t get it, do you? No girl is going to fuck me unless they are off their face on some sort of illegal substance, and the only place where you get people like that is at a party, and I’m not going to be invited to another one, so this is my only chance, comprende?
Mark: Well maybe if you were more confident, then girls would-
Josh: No! No, because-
Mark: Can you stop interrupting me, it’s very annoying.
Josh: Sorry, but anyway, the point is, I’m not confident, and I probably never will be, because I have nothing to be confident about.
Mark: You get good grades, don’t you.
Josh: (in stupid girly voice) Ohh, look at all those grades, Josh, ohh, I really want to fuck you now, now I know you get an A star in physics, you’ve got me all wet, (lapsing back into normal voice) I’m so, so fucking horny, Mark, I’m really horny!
Mark: Yeah, all right. I don’t know what you should do then.
Josh: Well, neither do I.

Yeah, I need to write a transition to the party, but at this this point I haven't, so just assume they got to the pary somehow. Use your imagination.

Act 1 Scene 3
Olly: You need to get out more, man. Live a little. (Mocking)
Josh: No! Stay in more, wank a little!
Mark: Shut up, Josh.
Olly: I’ll leave you guys alone. (as if they are complete weirdos)
Olly walks off.
Josh: Now look what you’ve done!
Mark: What?
Josh: He was cool, he was the only cool person who’s talked to me this week. It’ll be fucking ages till I talk to someone who’s that cool again!
Mark: Well, it’s not my problem, is it?
Josh: Yes it is, it is your fucking problem, go and get him back!
Mark: How am I supposed to-
Josh: Go on.
Mark: You can’t just tell me what to do!
Johs: Go. (Josh gestures to where Olly is standing.)
Mark: W-whatever, I’ll go and talk to him if you want it that much, I really…I really don’t care.
Mark walks over to Olly, who is talking to a girl.
Olly: Yeah, he just fucking downed it.
Girl: Oh my god, really.
Olly: Yeah, yeah, it was a crazy night, man. I got totally hammered that night.
Girl: Wish I’d been there… (moves closer to olly.)
Mark: Er, (pause) hi Olly!
Olly: All right, mate.
Mark: Josh, er, wants to talk to you. (Unnaturally high pitched voice.)
Olly: What about?
Mark: A lot things. Mostly, well, everything, really. Er…I mean… It would be easier…to list the thing he doesn’t want to talk to you about, than to list the things that he does.  (Still unnaturally high pitched voice.)
Olly: list them, then.
Mark: (pause) Er… Impressionism, Michael Jackson’s death…and spoons.

Act 1 Scene 4
Josh: You didn’t get Olly.
Mark: Yeah, that did not work.
Josh: Fair enough. It’s okay, you did your best.
Mark: Yeah, I gue-
Josh: NO IT’S NOT FUCKING OK, YOU MORON!
Mark: I didn’t-
Josh: GO THE FUCK BACK AND GET HIM!
(pause)
Mark: No.
Josh: Fine. (breezily) That’s fine.
Mark: Yeah, can you just…
Josh: We can stay in this little club. The no pussy club. (Puts on posh voice) No girls allowed heyah.
Mark: listen-
Josh: Strictly Virgins only, all women must be ten away metres away at all times.
Mark: Can you stop that voice.
Josh: (shouting, still with posh voice) No, I will not stop with the posh voice until Olly is standing there and he is fucking dripping with naked girls!
Mark: You’re a twat. (walks off)
Josh: Hey, hey, at least I’ve got a funny posh voice, what’ve you got…you… cuntbuzzard!
(Mark turns around. The two are unnaturally separated.)
(Pause)
Mark: What’s that?
Josh: What?
Mark: ‘Cuntbuzzard’. What the hell is that?
Josh: It’s a funny word. You know, cunt, buzzard. Two funny words.
(Mark struggles with himself, then laughs)
Mark: You are a funny guy, Josh. A funny guy.
Josh: Well…I do my best.
Mark: Hey, let’s go to some other room, I’m bored with this one.
Josh: Yeah, I need to see some tits. No tits here. Tits are somewhere else.
(Mark starts to laugh)
Mark: Yeah, let’s go get some tits.
Josh: (with American military accent.) Tits sighted at three o’ clock, move out, major!
Mark: That’s not really very funny, to be honest.
Josh: Fuck you, man.
(Mark laughing, they exit.)