top ten

TOP TEN REASONS WHY CONNECTED IS JUST A LIST OF MS. LOWERY’S FETISHES
10. All animals have butts.
No they don’t – not, like, amoebas.
Then what do you call the part where they - ?
(Deadpan, to the audience) Points.

9. You need comfort?
I was going down on Matt, and it was the best he was ever gonna have (take out banana)
And then I was this far (deepthroat banana) – and I choked on a pimple!
Oh no, Scootie, I’m sorry.
(Together) BEAT.

8. Roman, you can’t just share your pictures on Tinder like that!
Swipe right.
Roman no!
It’s a match!
Roman don’t text him. Don’t text him
Hey sexy how are you. Wink emoticon.
Roman no!
He asked me for my contact.
Roman don’t you dare give him your
jalowery@fcps.edu.
Oh. That’s okay. She’ll never look at it anyway.

7. Avi, I need you to practice that line. So pretend I’m Miss Haverill and tell me I have nice boobs.
You have nice boobs.
Again.
You have nice boobs.
Again.
(Repeat. The person playing Ms. Lowery should start crying gradually as they repeat it so it’s clear this is the first time she’s been told this in her life.)

6. I know.  At least it’ll probably be fun here now. (pause.) Maybe everyone’s like out back. (pause.) What the hell? Where’s the party?
(Enter SAM.) Sorry, girls, unfortunately cast party is cancelled because there was no vested parent in attendance.

5. Excuse you, I’m trying not to get fired. I’ll be creating the fake Tinder accounts.
(check to make sure nobody’s looking, then furiously swipe right. Lick your lips for effect.)

4. You need to act like you’ve masturbated to Mark Wahlburg in Boogie Nights before. Not like I have any experience with that.

3. Hang on, Juliana, we have to film the stripping scene now! And don’t worry – I’ll provide the undergarments.

2. I don’t get why people don’t like this play. I don’t get why people aren’t auditioning for my play. They auditioned for a rape play last year.
…Wait, Lia, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
(Turn to the audience with the creepiest look on your faces.)

1. I get that people are super uncomfortable with this play but THAT’S WHY I LIKE IT. I like that it makes people uncomfortable. The more queasy they get, the better. I want people to squirm with discomfort at this because oh that turns me o-OHHHHHHHHHH. I LOVE that my cast is SO uncomfortable with this play. They HATE THIS PLAY-UUUUUUUUUUNGGGGHHHH. NOBODY AUDITIONED-AUUUUUUUUUUGH.
(Keep ad-libbing in similar vein and throw in as strong of an orgasm as you’d like. Bonus points if you take your shirt off.)