Teaching an Old Mare New Card Tricks (RGRE) (comedy)

> Be Eye Sis, betrayed Pharaoh of ancient times
> The day has finally arrived for your final battle against the reincarnation of your traitorous high priestess
> Set of Five sneers at your host, slapping her deck into the duel disk
> "Go first, Anonymous, it will be your last!"
> Anon slips his deck into the duel disk, and you take possession of his body
> You stand a little taller, and your shared chest tuft increases dramatically in volume
"You have set yourself up for defeat, Set of Five!"
> You draw your hand and-
> Hold on, this isn't the Dark Magician deck
> Super-heavy Samurai?
> Tuner?
> Curse Anon and his whimsy
> You can feel his amusement in the back of your mind
> [Need some help, Eye Sis?]
> You frown
[No, I'm sure I can figure out what to do...]
> Let's see, special summon blah blah, equip...
> Why would you even want something that only gives 1200 defense?
> Set of Five glares at you
> "Admit it! Nothing you have can defeat my deck!"
> You scowl
[Alright, tell me what to do.]
>[How about I take over and-]
> You mentally sigh
[Monster duels are too dangerous for stallions. Besides, I can't mind crush her if you're in control.]
> [Hmm. Good point. Alright, so all you do this turn is set Superheavy Samurai Soulpiercer face down.]
> ...
[It has zero defense, it will die if anything battles it.]
> [That's the point. Just do it.]
[Fine.]
"I set my monster face down and pass the turn."
> Set of Five cackles
> "That's all? Prepare yourself for unstoppable power!"
> She draws a card
> "I summon Lady of D!"
> [She wants the D so bad!]
[Shut up]
> "And use the Flute of Summoning Dragon to special summon my Blue Eyes White Dragon!"
> [If you played my flute, it would sure special summon a white dragon of something]
[Shut Up]
> "Blue Eyes! Destroy his monster!"
> You scowl, placing your monster in the graveyard
[Now what?]
> [It's ability activates. Search your deck for Superheavy Samurai Big Waraji.]
"Not so fast! My monster's ability activates and I take..."
> [Superheavy Samurai Big Waraji.]
"Superheavy Samurai Big Waraji from my deck and add it to my hand!"
> Set of Five sneers
> "A mere 1800 defense is nothing before my Blue Eyes! Lady of D, attack his life points directly!"
> You stagger back, shaken by the loss but not discouraged
> [Hey, can we do the heart of the cards thing now?]
> You frown
[That requires a depth of trust in your cards that-]
> [Come on, I totally trust my extra-thicc fighty lads enough for magic cheating!]
[It's not cheating! It's friendship!]
> Set of Five smirks
> "Your turn, Anonymous. Take your time, there isn't much left for you."
> You growl
> Her arrogance is no less grating than it was a millennia ago
> Let's just get this over with
"I know my monsters have my back! Come to me, extra thick samurai!"
> [Superheavy Samurai]
[SHUT UP! THAT WAS YOUR FAULT!]
> You draw a card, ignoring Anon's snickering in the background
> It's... another 1200 defense thingy
> Did the heart of the cards fail you? Or maybe you didn't trust in the supethick samurai enough?
> [Nah, we got this. Special summon Waluigi and the trumpeter. We're about to lay down some sick doots.]
> This is all too confusing.
> Back in your day, you had normal monsters, a few spells, and a few traps
> A field spell, if you were lucky
> Now...
"I special summon Superthick Samurai Waluigi and Trumpter!"
> You place the two monsters on the field
[Now what?]
> [Synchro summon Superheavy Samurai Stealth Ninja from our extra deck in defense mode.]
>...
[Extra deck?]
> [Yeah, that little pile of cards on the end there.]
> ...
> Now, a colt has to hold you by the hoof to handle some superthick lads
"I synchro summon Superthick Samurai Stealth Ninja in defense mode!"
> [Activate both Superheavy Samurai Soulshield Walls and equip them to the ninja.]
"I activate two Soulshield Walls! My Ninja's defense is now 5200!"
[Hey, we're pretty safe now. Nice job, Anon.]
> He chuckles
> [The Ninja can attack while in defense mode, using his defense instead of his attack. Did you even read the card?]
> ...
[I skimmed it.]
> [Uh-huh. Just attack the Lady of D and win already.]
> This feels like cheating
"Superthick Ninja! -"
> You are disoriented as Anon forcibly takes control
"-attack the Lady of D with your secret butt fun attack!"
> Thankfully, he cedes control back to you once he's had his say
> Set of Five falls to her knees
> "This is impossible! Nothing can be stronger than the Blue Eyes White Dragon!"
> You scoff
"You lost because you only trusted in your dragon. If you cared about your Lady of D as much as I care about my superthick lads, it would not have been over so quickly."
> [That's bullshit, her deck just can't win as quickly as mine.]
[And the heart of the cards has nothing to do with that?]
> [...Okay, that might help. A little. Still magic cheating.]
[It's not- ugh. Not the time.]
"Mind crush!"
> You walk away from the crumpled mare
> You're too old for this