Teaching an Old Mare New Card Tricks (RGRE) (comedy)

Jul 3rd, 2020 (edited)
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  1. > Be Eye Sis, betrayed Pharaoh of ancient times
  2. > The day has finally arrived for your final battle against the reincarnation of your traitorous high priestess
  3. > Set of Five sneers at your host, slapping her deck into the duel disk
  4. > "Go first, Anonymous, it will be your last!"
  5. > Anon slips his deck into the duel disk, and you take possession of his body
  6. > You stand a little taller, and your shared chest tuft increases dramatically in volume
  7. "You have set yourself up for defeat, Set of Five!"
  8. > You draw your hand and-
  9. > Hold on, this isn't the Dark Magician deck
  10. > Super-heavy Samurai?
  11. > Tuner?
  12. > Curse Anon and his whimsy
  13. > You can feel his amusement in the back of your mind
  14. > [Need some help, Eye Sis?]
  15. > You frown
  16. [No, I'm sure I can figure out what to do...]
  17. > Let's see, special summon blah blah, equip...
  18. > Why would you even want something that only gives 1200 defense?
  19. > Set of Five glares at you
  20. > "Admit it! Nothing you have can defeat my deck!"
  21. > You scowl
  22. [Alright, tell me what to do.]
  23. >[How about I take over and-]
  24. > You mentally sigh
  25. [Monster duels are too dangerous for stallions. Besides, I can't mind crush her if you're in control.]
  26. > [Hmm. Good point. Alright, so all you do this turn is set Superheavy Samurai Soulpiercer face down.]
  27. > ...
  28. [It has zero defense, it will die if anything battles it.]
  29. > [That's the point. Just do it.]
  30. [Fine.]
  31. "I set my monster face down and pass the turn."
  32. > Set of Five cackles
  33. > "That's all? Prepare yourself for unstoppable power!"
  34. > She draws a card
  35. > "I summon Lady of D!"
  36. > [She wants the D so bad!]
  37. [Shut up]
  38. > "And use the Flute of Summoning Dragon to special summon my Blue Eyes White Dragon!"
  39. > [If you played my flute, it would sure special summon a white dragon of something]
  40. [Shut Up]
  41. > "Blue Eyes! Destroy his monster!"
  42. > You scowl, placing your monster in the graveyard
  43. [Now what?]
  44. > [It's ability activates. Search your deck for Superheavy Samurai Big Waraji.]
  45. "Not so fast! My monster's ability activates and I take..."
  46. > [Superheavy Samurai Big Waraji.]
  47. "Superheavy Samurai Big Waraji from my deck and add it to my hand!"
  48. > Set of Five sneers
  49. > "A mere 1800 defense is nothing before my Blue Eyes! Lady of D, attack his life points directly!"
  50. > You stagger back, shaken by the loss but not discouraged
  51. > [Hey, can we do the heart of the cards thing now?]
  52. > You frown
  53. [That requires a depth of trust in your cards that-]
  54. > [Come on, I totally trust my extra-thicc fighty lads enough for magic cheating!]
  55. [It's not cheating! It's friendship!]
  56. > Set of Five smirks
  57. > "Your turn, Anonymous. Take your time, there isn't much left for you."
  58. > You growl
  59. > Her arrogance is no less grating than it was a millennia ago
  60. > Let's just get this over with
  61. "I know my monsters have my back! Come to me, extra thick samurai!"
  62. > [Superheavy Samurai]
  64. > You draw a card, ignoring Anon's snickering in the background
  65. > It's... another 1200 defense thingy
  66. > Did the heart of the cards fail you? Or maybe you didn't trust in the supethick samurai enough?
  67. > [Nah, we got this. Special summon Waluigi and the trumpeter. We're about to lay down some sick doots.]
  68. > This is all too confusing.
  69. > Back in your day, you had normal monsters, a few spells, and a few traps
  70. > A field spell, if you were lucky
  71. > Now...
  72. "I special summon Superthick Samurai Waluigi and Trumpter!"
  73. > You place the two monsters on the field
  74. [Now what?]
  75. > [Synchro summon Superheavy Samurai Stealth Ninja from our extra deck in defense mode.]
  76. >...
  77. [Extra deck?]
  78. > [Yeah, that little pile of cards on the end there.]
  79. > ...
  80. > Now, a colt has to hold you by the hoof to handle some superthick lads
  81. "I synchro summon Superthick Samurai Stealth Ninja in defense mode!"
  82. > [Activate both Superheavy Samurai Soulshield Walls and equip them to the ninja.]
  83. "I activate two Soulshield Walls! My Ninja's defense is now 5200!"
  84. [Hey, we're pretty safe now. Nice job, Anon.]
  85. > He chuckles
  86. > [The Ninja can attack while in defense mode, using his defense instead of his attack. Did you even read the card?]
  87. > ...
  88. [I skimmed it.]
  89. > [Uh-huh. Just attack the Lady of D and win already.]
  90. > This feels like cheating
  91. "Superthick Ninja! -"
  92. > You are disoriented as Anon forcibly takes control
  93. "-attack the Lady of D with your secret butt fun attack!"
  94. > Thankfully, he cedes control back to you once he's had his say
  95. > Set of Five falls to her knees
  96. > "This is impossible! Nothing can be stronger than the Blue Eyes White Dragon!"
  97. > You scoff
  98. "You lost because you only trusted in your dragon. If you cared about your Lady of D as much as I care about my superthick lads, it would not have been over so quickly."
  99. > [That's bullshit, her deck just can't win as quickly as mine.]
  100. [And the heart of the cards has nothing to do with that?]
  101. > [...Okay, that might help. A little. Still magic cheating.]
  102. [It's not- ugh. Not the time.]
  103. "Mind crush!"
  104. > You walk away from the crumpled mare
  105. > You're too old for this
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