In college I was on the student entertainment committee or whatever the hell it was called and decided I would use my "weight" to get my old band to play with AC, Tear It Up, and Dataclast which were all crap I was listening to at the moment. Everyone else except AC couldn't do it, and my band was a stupid 60s garage rock/punk band, so the fact that we'd be opening for something like AC was irresitible and I got like $500 from the student gov't to be stupid with it.

I was waiting around in my campus apt nervously for them to show up for most of the afternoon, until I heard a loud car horn blaring from the parking lot and knew it was them. I walked out to see two cars, one had a bunch of complete scumbags stepping out of it, cans of Budweiser literally rolling out of the doors as they emerged. They looked like utter pieces of shit. I introduced myself and asked where Seth was. They pointed to one of the cars where he was still sitting in the passenger seat, pounding a bottle of vodka.

We went back to my apartment where my roommate had tried to impress them by having the Haunted cd blasting. Seth immediately told me to "turn this faggot shit off" and handed me his own cd to put on, which had a flaming swastika on the cover and was an album by esteemed Tom Waits soundalikes Affirmative Apartheid.

I told them that I'd bought several cases of beer to entertain them, which they dug into happily. Their group was:
* Seth Putnam
* Josh Martin the guitarist
* one of the drummer guys
* Roadie #1, "Lenny", who was about 5'2 and had a half-arm. Not like he was missing part of it, but it was a birth defect arm that was only about a foot long. On the birth defect arm he had a Dungeons & Dragons tattoo.
* Roadie #2, "Chris", who stood about 6'5 and had a ponytail that made him look like the guy from Game of Thrones.

Seth kept making tons of "Hey I heard this school has tons of niggers and dykes" type comments to me, but when he saw that wasn't really going to impress/alarm/whatever me, they all sort of "calmed down" a bit and just focused on getting drunk. Around 6:55 they freaked out that the Simpsons was coming on and all sat down to watch.

During the Simpsons episode, Seth turned to Chris and said "Hey Chris, can you put my beer down for me? I'm too fat."

They started getting more drunk and kept demanding I find them "drugs". I told them I didn't really do drugs and gave them some weed, but they weren't satisfied. My Haunted-fan straightedge roommate was freaking out, worrying they'd trash the place if they didn't get drugs, so he ran out to "get drugs". A few minutes later, he came back with a tube of uncooked ketamine and told me to give it to them. I incredulously asked where the fuck he got it from, but he was all "Don't worry! Just give it to them before they go crazy!". So I gave Seth the ketamine. He asked what it was, and I said "Ketamine". He then, without hesitation, unscrewed the tube and began pouring it into his mouth. Like, gobs and gobs of it. Martin was all "Don't bogart that shit!" and took a bunch into his own mouth. They kept drinking until I told them we should really get over to the venue (an on-campus site) to start getting ready for the show.

I get in a car with Martin driving. Seth tells me about how GG Allin once asked them to be his backing band, and we bonded over both owning Johnny Rebel records. Then out of nowhere he grabbed the steering wheel and whipped it to the right, sending us off the road and careening across the grass. Martin got back onto the road and dismissed it with "Stop being a jerk!" as Seth apparently did "wacky" stuff like that all the time.

We get to the venue and start setting things up, and my bandmates are all deciding to play a three song set and get the fuck off campus before there's a riot. As I'm helping them set up, Seth realizes the beer is still in my apartment. Chris and I decide to walk back to get it. We do so, and away from the rest of the band I learn that Chris would like to study audio engineering and had considered SUNY Purchase at some point. I ask him if AC really gets into a lot of trouble at shows, and if they really need him. "Oh, absolutely, all the time. And if its too much, I always have this." He pulls up his pantleg to reveal a gun in his boot.

As we continue back, we pass by an apartment with the blinds drawn, inside are a bunch of students having a Passover seder. "Hey! Let's cut holes in some sheets and run in there!" gleefully remarks Chris. I advise him we should probably get to the show instead.

We get to the venue, and Seth (who is wearing sweatpants) is passed out face-down in front of the stage, snoring. My band sets up and goes on, and its completely uncomfortable as about 200 people not from campus are standing far, far in the back of the room not giving a shit about our shitty music. We end the set and Seth gets up, grabs the mic, and says "Let's hear it for Syd Barrett." Then he pulls me aside and says "Is there anything I can't do?" I tell him just to not lay a finger on me or my little brother, but otherwise to have a blast.

Seth is too fucked up to stand, and is probably still tired from his nap, so he elects to sit on the front of the stage in his sweatpants. He declares that he's "a bit parched" and asks my brother to bring him some Sprite. The set is delayed 10 minutes while my brother finds a vending machine and brings the soda back.

They launch into 2 hours of cruelty, blastbeats, racism, misogyny, etc. It was one of the funniest things I'd ever witnessed live. Seth kept going on and on about how "we" should not have to put up with movies like Save The Last Dance being made. He brought up Save The Last Dance about 15 times. He pointed at a girl in the front in an army jacket and said "People like you and me didn't fight in 'Nam just so we could raise kids in a world where Chinese people drive."

The real fun started when Seth noticed two Nazi skinheads hanging out. Seth pointed at them and said "This one goes out to wigger faggots like you two, two years ago you were hanging out in your bedroom listening to 311." They then played 311 Sucks. After the song, one of the skinheads said "Fuck you". Seth dropped the microphone and tried to grab a table to throw at the guy. This guy was also like 6'6. People held onto the table so he couldn't throw it. Seth picked the mic back up and told the skinheads again that they were "pussy race-traitor wigger faggots" and then tossed the mic stand in one of their faces. The big guy went to kick Seth's ass, but then Chris stood in front of him with his arms folded, smiling, just shaking his head "No".

The set continued, eventually they ran out of songs and decided to do some Picnic Of Love tracks, with Seth just holding the microphone up to his stomach. He started making fun of an Asian woman in the crowd. A kid from the Student Gov't ran up to me and said "Tell them to stop! This ends now! Over!" I said "Actually, you can tell them to stop" and we looked at the stage to see Seth goosestepping and seig-heiling. The kid called me a dick and ran off.

Two minutes later, the fire alarm went off, which I'm convinced the Student Gov't kid had pulled. Chris calmly walked over to the fire alarm, yanked it out of the wall, and spiked it like a football. Regardless the lights went on and campus safety showed up. I was already in trouble, and AC wanted to avoid getting arrested, so I walked Seth back to his car so that at least he wouldn't be arrested for extremely clear public intoxication, among other things. On the walk over, he kept alternating between "You really are a faggot for booking us" and "You know this is all a joke, right?" At one point he said "You're Jewish, right?" and turned my wrist over to see if I had any tattoos. I walked him to the car and thanked him for playing a wonderful evening. I then ran back to my apartment because I saw cops everywhere, and skinheads roaming around.

Back at my apartment, I had two friends visiting from Long Island, and had to give them a ride back to the train station in White Plains. They gathered their things, we laughed about how ridiculous the day had been, and took off. Returning to campus with my friend, we saw both of AC's cars crashed into each other, surrounded by cop cars. We ducked our heads down and headed back to my apartment, not wanting anything to do with whatever drunk driving insanity had occurred.

A week later, I emailed Josh to thank him for the show, make sure their check arrived, and let him know that "I'd heard they'd gotten into a fender bender after the show" and if everything was ok. He responded "Everything was great! We were fucking around on the drive out and smashed into each other. The cops came and we just told them that we were rushing off campus because skinheads were chasing us. They fixed our car and escorted us to the Hutchinson River Parkway and we made it back to Boston without a scratch! Thanks!"