Samsara Quest – Review by Anon

By: Anon
Originally posted: 27.11.2016

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SAMSARA QUEST REVIEW
Because someone asked that one time and no one did it.


SETTING. Snort.

According to all known laws of magic, there is no way a magus should be able to teleport. Hermetic magic is too outdated to get MC’s fat little body into different dimensions. The hermeticism, of course, teleports her anyway because magic don't care what magi think is impossible.

“Studying, snarking. Studying, snarking. Studying, snarking. Studying, snarking. Ooh, snarking and studying! Let's shake it up a little.”


EXABYTE. SnortQM.

He’s Exabyte, and this is his quest. He writes here with only write-ins and vague dice mechanics, Big Railroad. Everything in here has a snort and a witty remark. One thing he’s learned after 21 years - you never know when the new thread is gonna come through that catalog.


MAIN CHARACTER. She snorted.

MC, or Jaz, sexually identifies as a full magus. Ever since she was a girl she dreamed of soaring over multiple dimensions dropping hot sticky mana on disgusting foreigners. People say to her that a person teleporting is impossible and she’s fucking retarded but she don’t care, She’s beautiful. She’s breaking laws to add illegal PipBoy 3000 mods, cheatsheat for hermetic magic and even more snark on her body. From now on she want you guys to call me “Magus” and respect her right to perform asspulls and make everyone look dumb as rocks. If you can’t accept her you don’t belong in /tg/ and need to check your snark privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

She never wanted to breed with anyone more than she wants to with books. That perfect, curvy lettering. Those bountiful spines. The child bearing parchment of a literal god. It honestly fucking hurts knowing that she'll never mate with it, pass her genes through it, and have it birth a set of perfect offspring. She'd do fucking ANYTHING for the chance to get her ancestor’s journals pregnant. A N Y T H I N G. And the fact that she can't is quite honestly too much to fucking bear. Why would her ancestor create something so perfect? To fucking tantalize us? Fucking laugh in our faces?! Honestly guys, she just fucking can't anymore. Fuck.


PLOT. Snort, snort.

What the fuck did they just fucking say about her ancestor, you little bitch? She’ll have you know her ancestor published a ridiculous journal, and he’s been involved in numerous secret shenanigans in other worlds, and he has over 300 confirmed catgirl headpats. He is trained in hermemetic warfare and he’s the top wizard in the entire universe. You are nothing to them but just another adept. She will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Helios, mark her fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to her over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak she is contacting my secret network of incredibly boring friends, who only have shades of emotions across stressful dreariness and “just kinda there”, across the country and your mana is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. Jaz can be anywhere, anytime, and she can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with teleportation that remains to be inconsistent and lampshaded because of the bullshit she can do with it. Not only is she extensively trained in sharp quips, but she has access to the backpat cabal of the Archmages and she will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. She will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

forgive english, Jaz is Romalian.

she come to study magic and teleportation at Arcane academy. she is here little time and she is very hard stress. she is bibliophile also and this very difficult for her, she is very hardworking person. she never act to be friends with other adepts before. but after she is in academy 6 weeks she is her journal together it is secret also. It was show she Hermetic secret and then they are kiss.

fFriends unlock mysteries together. she never before now is tell others about magic because she is very shame. As she study this Hermetic book it is very good to her but also she is feel so sad. She feel extreme sad as someone begin to sabotage. She feel so sad that she pick up her coat and completely destroys the sabotaging bitch in style. She awaken her. It too late for stopping so she is uses teleportation. Bitch is very upset and guilty and crying, so Jaz yell her, "I AM CAN USE TELEPORT" (in Romalia). she say what? Jaz say "I AM CAN USE TELEPORT" and little sister say you girl, do not go in danger, and I say "NO I AM CAN USE TELEPORT WITH BOOK, I AM IN DIFFERENT DIMENSION, I MEET CATGIRL" and friends very angry Jaz. Friends not get scared though.


Jaz plan again and is very stress. Her friends also they are very boring. Most friends are people too but completely boring. She wonder, why do Exabyte write this? But he continue because when she teleport it feel very good in Romalia ego.

CONCLUSION. Snoort

Samsara quest is pretty snortacular. Go read it, I guess.