Oh howdy stranger, we don't see many folks round these parts
The only time we get visitors is people passin' by on carts

You think you know me, then you must be sorrily mistaken
I'm just an old gal who runs a store, I can't even walk without shakin'

Well shit goddamn, I haven't heard that name in years
You do know who I am, how'd you find me way out here?

You know what, it don't matter, I don't wanna know
And if you've come here to kill me, then you better not be slow

So you're not here to kill me? Then whatcha doin' here?
Surely there's better places you coulda got a beer.

Oh I get it now, you've heard the legends about me and my adventures
And I know the one you wanna hear, is it true? Well get comfy, and I'll tell ya

Not a damn word you've heard so far will be anythin' close to the truth
I never told a single soul about what really happened in my youth

You should think yourself lucky, I ain't never told a soul about the true story
After that I just spent my life, with fame and bounty money

Of course I was legendary bounty hunter, even before then
But nobody I killed before was as hated or highly priced as him

Darla "Darlin" Deadwood is the name is the nickname the Sherrifs called me
But I fuckin hated Darlin, it's Deadwood or it's Darla

I think they called me that because I'd usually bring em back alive
I get they were criminals, but I don't think they deserved to die... well, some of em

I was a crack shot and quick one, known for shootin people's hands
I guess it was to prove my aim, and so they could never draw their guns again

Anyway you know my name, and I know you wanna hear it.
You wanna hear about how Darla, killed Marvin Michael Jarrett.

He was the Mayor of Crantontown, and that was the situation.
Powerful and ruthless, paid for his own private organization.

The organization had no name but people called them The Noosers
I'll let you guess why they called em' that, they were some real big mean bruisers.

Jarrett raised the taxes higher and higher every day
That's what The Noosers were for, in case you couldn't pay

Now Jarrett was an asshole, and he'd never decline a duel
He'd accept anyone that challenged him, and all of them were fools

If you even dared to think about pullin your gun out on the street
Either him or his boys would shoot ya, there was no way he could be beat.

He never asked anyone to duel, they all asked him to fight
Twenty one, dead and gone, much to his delight

His draw was quicker than his bullet, and he never missed his mark.
Each and every round he fired went right through the middle of the heart.

Some thought he was a demon from hell, with the devil controlling his actions
None of that was true at all, he just had some damn fuckin fine reactions

Now you see everyone thought he had a secret, or he cheated
How could one man duel twenty one and never once be beaten?

Everyone called him a cheater and he needed to prove that he was right
So one day he challenged me, for a legendary fight

Like I said he never challenged anyone himself before
He got the word around to draw me out, he called me "The Darlin' Whore"

So there we stood in the shit and the mud, outside a Crantontown saloon
We were just waitin for the bell to toll, only four minutes left until noon

Word about this showdown had quickly gotten around
Some folks came from miles just to see someone put this fucker in the ground

Now of course if I drew early I'd be gunned down in the street
All The Noosers were there so anythin funny, and I'd be dead as meat

The bastard was sick and ruthless, he'd stab you just to get a kick
I didn't care if I died right there, so long as I shot him in the dick

"DARLA DARLIN DEADWOOD VS MAYOR JARRETT" read the posters
like a fuckin boxin' match, but with no gloves, just guns and holsters

"Ya ready over there... Darlin?" Jarrett yelled over
"You better not blink asshole, because when you do it's gonna be over"

Those were the only words we bothered to exchange
And nobody calls me Darlin to my face, not if you know my fuckin name

Silence fell completely, one minute until it was time to draw.
His hand was a little shaky, and he could tell that I saw.

He smirked the smile of a man thought the battle was already won.
I returned the smile of a woman who knew exactly what was about to be done.

Any moment now.

Five

Four

Three

Two

One

The bell rang it's toll and for a moment it seemed like time had slowed down to a crawl
I reached for my pistol and he reached for his, the window of oppourtunity was small

I whipped out my gun quicker than him and fired before he knew it
He had his oppourtunity, and along with his head, I blew it

For a moment there was silence, then once all the tension had cleared
The crowd looked at me in awe, and everyone clapped and cheered

Finally someone had beaten that tyranical dictator
But you see the girl you're lookin at, well the one who did it, ain't her

We whipped out our guns and fired almost exactly at the same time
However chance would have it, his was draw was slightly quicker than mine

I fired my shot what looked like first, however I only fired a blank
The real bullet from the rifle in the bell tower, fired by my darlin, Karla Banks

Ya see I had my dear Karla go up there a day in advance
She waited up there with her rifle, and controlled when the bell rang