The Good Colonial Governor

In year of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (who was as we all know a man of Nordic racial complexion from before the Mahometians overran the holy land) 1863  William Charles Edward Devereaux IV (we shall refer to our hero as William, William Devereaux or Governor Devereaux going forward for the sake of swift reference) woke up and rung the small golden bell that laid on his nightstand to call his servants in to dress him. He was ready to great a brand new day of fulfilling the honorable function of bringing British civilization to the darkest corners of the world (both in terms of enlightenment and the skin pigmentation of the natives). The Devereaux family had a proud tradition of such noble work starting from their first arrival to England from Normandy with William the Conqueror’s army in 1066. From there members of the Devereaux family served as absentee lords in Wales Ireland and Scotland latter in the Middle Ages before embarking to Jamestown to serve as colonial governors in the New World in the early 1600s a post members of this proud bloodline maintained until the colonies  betrayed  the forces of the crown in 1776 from which point they took their lucrative Virginia plantations and restarted in the West Indies. When the slave trade was abolished William’s father, William Charles Edward Devereaux III requested that  his majesty King George III move him to the more settled colonies in Upper Canada  where he served as Governor with his son making a name for himself in the ranks of the British Imperial bureaucracy  catching the attention of Her Majesty Queen Victoria who gave him the blessed opportunity to move posts to what was quickly growing to be the crown jewel of the Empire in he British Raj.

Governor Devereaux had only been governor of the Assam for 2 months but he had already began making changes to the colony to improve the civilization of the area. His demolition of Hindu temples and  Mosques to be replaced with Protestant chapels constructed with wood imported from England had been a grand success (the conversion process on the other hand was still facing great resistance but this was expected to be a long process with such a boorish and beastly people as the Indians).

Anyways I digress, 2 pathetic low class Brahmin Indians (they CLAIMED to be the highest caste of Indian but William was of the belief that even the  highest class Indian was like an instinct when compared to even the most degenerate and low class of Englishmen) wearing barbaric yellow robes carrying Williams’ outfit for the day, an unacceptable 3 minutes late to the sound of the bell as incompetent Indians always tended to be. William noted that Abhas and Kotesh would need to receive 40 lashes each from the cat of nine tails latter today to repent for their inexcusable laziness. First the two savages applied a white button down shirt, secondly a pair of grey trousers, third a burgundy vest, fifth a red bow tie, sixth William’s golden pocket watch (a gift form Prince Regent Albert himself) was placed gently into his vest pocket, seventh a grey suit jacket, eightieth a William’s monocle places gently onto his pure blue eye, and ninth a long black top hat with a red ribbon around the bottom (a part of his outfit he’s considered discarding  after he discovered that radical black  supremacist  president Lincoln in America wears a similar  one). After being dressed he rung his golden bell one more time so that Kotesh and Abhas would get him his breakfast.

Kotesh and Abhas  arrived at a scandalous 2 minutes after the bell rung (earning them another 20 lashes each of course) with a good full English breakfast of  eggs Benedict but with a cup with a strange steaming liquid. William was feeling merciful that day so before deciding to add more lashings for acting outside his direct orders he deceived to try the strange asiatic beverage. To William’s surprise it filled him with a euphoric and even erotic spirit that made hims surprised such a sublime beverage was created by asiatic monkeys before the British brought light to the region. He asked “Kotesh, what is this delightful drink called?” Kotesh cleated his throat and said “it is called tea your lordship” he nodded his head and asked “who made it slave?” Kotesh beamed with pride and  said “while I did sir!”

William nodded his head and pulled a pistol from the drawer of his desk and suddenly shot Kotesh in the head, knowing what to do like a good servant Abhas caught his dying friend’s carcass before  his polluting native blood can stain the floor of the pristine Governor’s palace. William said “Very good Abhas dispose of his body amongst the elephant dung out back” “yes master” Abhas said attempting to hold back his tears in a disgusting display of asiatic effeminate decadence. This display was so disgusting that Devereaux made the sage decision to give him extra lashes latter, but now was the time for more positive things.

William grabbed his favorite quill pen and took out a piece of his finest stationary paper and and began to write a letter to the queen of the newest Anglo Saxon innovation a culinary delicacy surely to become associated with British greatness for 1,000 years to come.