Cookie Fonster's Old Pre-Show Thoughts on Eurovision 2023

Finland - Cha Cha Cha
Key: E minor
Rating: My favorite!
This one is off the wall and hectic in the coolest, most badass way. I get strong PSY vibes from it. I am amazed by how well the Finnish language fits aggressive EDM rap; it's just as well-suited as Korean. I also like how the song gradually progresses from aggressive rap to a more pop chord progression. If I was Finnish, I'd be super psyched that my language would be used for a song like this. I hope it wins!

Germany - Blood and Glitter
Key: A minor
Rating: Amazing!
I'm proud my country sent an absolute banger this year, especially after a rocky track record the past few. It's a badass 80's sounding metal song that honors the music Germany is best known for. Makes up for how frustrating it is that their last entry in German was in goddamn 2007. I'd be psyched if it won.

Slovenia - Carpe Diem
Key: F# minor
Rating: Amazing!
I really respect the band's mindset behind putting this song in their own language: they wanted to translate Slovenian into a language of art and entertainment that everyone can understand, and I think it worked spectacularly! It's a super fun rock banger sung by a bunch of boys who love to party, and it puts a smile on my face whenever I listen to it. Would be a great winner.

Czechia - My Sister's Crown
Key: E minor
Rating: Awesome!
I really admire the strong multilingualism--only the second time Czechia has used their own language, plus English and two other Slavic languages. It does a great job picking melodies that match with the cadence of English, and melodies that match with the cadence of Slavic languages, and it conveys a strong message about women's rights through all its languages. Total banger all around.

Belgium - Because of You
Key: C minor
Rating: Awesome!
Most of the backlash towards this song is because it sounds too dated and 90's, but that's what I love about this song. It's so fun and earnest and jazzy, and through his expression, the singer spreads a clear message of being true to yourself. One of my personal favorites.

Portugal - Ai Coração
Key: F# minor
Rating: Awesome!
This one is just plain fun and absolutely SCREAMS Portugal. It sounds extremely clearly Latino, but the lyrics are clearly Portuguese and not Spanish. It's catchy, dramatic, fun to listen to, and varied in rhythm. What more could you ask for?

Latvia - Aijā
Key: A minor
Rating: Great!
I really enjoy those unusual time signatures and the gritty rock sound. It sounds eccentric on a first listen, but gradually you'll appreciate its beauty.

Australia - Promise
Key: G minor
Rating: Great!
Well-composed blend of rock and techno music. The rock entries in this contest are generally among my favorites. Also, the fact that Australia has consistently participated in Eurovision since 2015 is objectively hilarious.

San Marino - Like an Animal
Key: D minor
Rating: Great!
There is no way this song will make it past the semifinals. A lot of people find the lyrics uncomfortable, but I think they're really fun and goofy, and I'm amazed they're sung with such a straight face. Also, the instrumentation is stellar rock.

Norway - Queen of Kings
Key: E major
Rating: Great!
As far as the dance songs go, this sounds super dramatic and badass. It has a chord progression that sounds like it would fit a villain song in a movie and feels traditionally Scandinavian.

Malta - Dance (Our Own Party)
Key: F minor
Rating: Great!
Fun and groovy, a song about partying by people who embrace that they're a bunch of goofy sweater guys.

Iceland - Power
Key: Ab major
Rating: Great!
The more I listen to it, the more I enjoy it. It's got a powerful voice and a beat that easily hypes me up, even with the simple pop chord progressions.

Austria - Who the Hell Is Edgar?
Key: B minor
Rating: Great!
This song feels extremely Eurovision. It's bouncy and fun to listen to, but its lyrics are indirectly about a harsh topic--the imbalance of pay in the music industry. It hits just the right balance between humor and bite.

France - Évidemment
Key: G# minor
Rating: Good!
Feels super classic Eurovision, one woman singing French lyrics about love, to the beat of a dance song with orchestral parts. I'm lowkey jealous that France still sticks to their language while my country doesn't.

Israel - Unicorn
Key: F# minor
Rating: Good!
It's so cheesy and a little childish, but undeniably fun to listen to. It would've been my favorite of the contest when I was 13. I just wish it had an actual ending.

Ukraine - Heart of Steel
Key: C# minor
Rating: Good!
Again, this has grown on me through multiple listens. The lyrics are strong and confident, and a hip-hop song with lyrics indirectly about war is exactly the eccentric creativity you'd expect from Ukraine.

Croatia - Mama ŠČ!
Key: C major
Rating: Bonkers
What is a Eurovision contest without an incredibly bizarre and wacky entry? And what good is a Eurovision contest without a song that's transparently about political events? This song somehow manages to be both, and it definitely fits the modern Eurovision spirit. It isn't something I'd go out of my way to listen to though.

Spain - Eaea
Key: C major/minor
Rating: Good
This one is a wild entrancing acid trip of electronic music with that Spanish lyrical cadence. One of the most eclectic songs of the contest, if a bit repetitive.

Serbia - Samo mi se spava
Key: E major/minor
Rating: Good
Has a unique mix of major and minor and a neat dark techno sound, which excellently fits the theme of preferring the world of fiction and dreams. The rapid alternation between English and Serbian is unusual, perhaps done to please Anglos and language purists equally.

United Kingdom - I Wrote a Song
Key: A minor
Rating: Good
The only song where the lyrics are my favorite thing about it. There's no cryptic nonsense that feels like you have to appreciate true art. The meaning is direct and to the point, about a woman who wanted to violently take out her frustration about her breakup but instead wrote a song about it. The instrumental isn't the most musically interesting, and if it was something more original it'd be higher up.

Azerbaijan - Tell Me More
Key: D major
Rating: Good
This is a surprisingly upbeat and happy song, blending country and rock to sound quite pleasant. It has a pretty cool breakdown halfway through.

Estonia - Bridges
Key: C minor
Rating: Good
A simple emotional piano song, feels like a safe choice for a genre. It works well and it has a distinct voice about the difficulties of life, and making amends for the future.

Lithuania - Stay
Key: B major
Rating: Good
Probably the most emotional song of the group, and thus a little more interesting than the other standard pop songs here. I also find it cute that Latvia and Lithuania both sang in English with little bits of their own languages.

Moldova - Soarele și Luna
Key: C minor
Rating: Good
It's pretty cool that both Romanian speaking countries are at least partly using their own language. It has some of that quirky Moldovan creativity, telling a mythical story with some haunting edge.

Armenia - Future Lover
Key: D minor
Rating: Decent
Sounds somewhat dramatic, somewhat subdued, undeniably pretty with the piano and strings. The end being in Armenian is nice, but English speakers won't find motivation to understand what the lyrics mean, and it feels like they found it too risky to use the language throughout.

Albania - Duje
Key: D minor
Rating: Decent
Good old Albania, always doing their own thing instead of making basic pop music, and they use their own language more often than not which I admire. It might be because they didn't get to participate back when the language rule was enforced. This song sounds super traditional eastern European and dramatic, but I haven't come back to listen to it much.

Sweden - Tattoo
Key: Eb minor
Rating: Decent
This one is probably going to win, but it would be so boring if it did. It's a well-produced EDM song by a previous winner but I don't think it stands out THAT much otherwise. The lyrics are harder to understand than most other English songs, and the chord progression repeats all the way through.

Romania - D.G.T. (Off and On)
Key: A minor
Rating: Decent
The instrumentation is unique and pretty groovy, with a fun blend of guitars and trumpets and strings, and I enjoy how Romanian sounds in music, like Italian's underrated brother. However, I really haven't found myself listening to it much. The presentation leaves much to be desired and the song's message doesn't feel that clear or sharp.

Italy - Due vite
Key: D major
Rating: Decent
The lyrical cadance of Italian over a piano pop ballad makes this a little more than a plain old piano pop ballad. But only a little more. Doesn't do that much for me.

Switzerland - Watergun
Key: G# minor
Rating: OK
Another piano ballad about being anti-war. Similar musically to Estonia and Italy's songs, but the lyrics are less interesting and feel kind of... impersonal. Like, there's not that much about them that feels like you can connect to a specific person's life.

Denmark - Breaking My Heart
Key: D major
Rating: OK
It's an alright pop song with the common pop song trend of lyrics being hard to understand, plus an extra catchy chorus. Safe and harmless.

Georgia - Echo
Key: G minor
Rating: OK
The opposite of I Wrote a Song. A unique and gripping instrumental, but the lyrics are awful. They feel like a 2010's chatbot wrote them, not at all masking that the writer's English isn't great.

Cyprus - Break a Broken Heart
Key: Eb minor
Rating: OK
Similar thoughts to Denmark, but with the plus of clearer lyrics and the minus of being an even more standard pop song.

Greece - What They Say
Key: C major
Rating: OK
The instrumental is pretty good for the most part, and the deep voice is charming, but the lyrics seem ridiculous when you realize they're sung by a 16-year-old. Plus, I don't like the ending section where the chorus is repeated set to claps. It makes the song feel less like a story and more like a soulless storm of catchy lyrics.

Netherlands - Burning Daylight
Key: C minor
Rating: OK
Another OK pop song that's just three chords the whole way through without resolving to the chord that feels like it's supposed to be the root chord. Not that memorable.

Ireland - We Are One
Key: D major
Rating: Ehhh
Sorry, but the instrumental sounds exactly like corporate music you'd find in a cheesy commercial and is extremely repetitive. The lyrics are OK but really cheesy, and while Wild Youth seem like kind and decent people, this is my least favorite of the songs that I can stand to listen to.

Poland - Solo
Key: B major
Rating: Hell no
This is BY FAR my least favorite one. It's the only song in the entire contest that actually pains me to listen to--all others, even if they aren't my cup of tea, I can still enjoy. I feel bad for all the Poles who had to live with the reality that this crappy ultra generic pop song will represent their country. You guys deserve so much better than this pile of shit. When I listen to it, it feels like it's an obnoxious song I've already heard a hundred times. Jann was robbed.