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Seren-Hime - Today at 12:49 PM
Something happen with aster again?
ShadielTH - Today at 12:50 PM
Kind of?
Seren-Hime - Today at 12:50 PM
What happened?
ShadielTH - Today at 12:50 PM
Nothing really, just Aster being Aster and salt going out of control.
But honestly, now that I scrolled up and read what the others have to say on what I wrote to VIN (which I know I could've worded better but w/e), I'm more adamant on leaving.
Seren-Hime - Today at 12:52 PM
Can you show me?
ShadielTH - Today at 12:52 PM
you mean the logs?
they're right there, I can copy regardless.
Seren-Hime - Today at 12:52 PM
Yeah as of what has been said
ShadielTH - Today at 12:55 PM
I hit the character limit, I can't.
Seren-Hime - Today at 12:55 PM
Okay.
Well, seeing as it is your wish to quit
I will be looking for a new FO
ShadielTH - Today at 12:56 PM
sigh. can you
gimme a few hours?
to cool down a bit
Seren-Hime - Today at 12:56 PM
And then what?
ShadielTH - Today at 12:56 PM
I don't wanna regret it later
I'll give you a final answer
Seren-Hime - Today at 12:56 PM
Shadie, every time something like this happens
you make a big fuss out of it babe.
ShadielTH - Today at 12:56 PM
I know, and I hate it.
But what the hell do you want me to do about it.
Seren-Hime - Today at 12:57 PM
Well, whats worse, you made it public
Its in general chat.
And JC said stuff about it too.
It just looks bad.
ShadielTH - Today at 12:57 PM
really
that's what you care about lol
It's not like we never had arguments before or anything.
Ones I wasn't even involved in.
Seren-Hime - Today at 12:58 PM
Yes, I care about our image.
ShadielTH - Today at 12:59 PM
tbh you're a retail manager so I'm not even particularly surprised that's your way of thinking.
Seren-Hime - Today at 1:00 PM
And seeing as you asked as of what I want you to do - I want you to start thinking before you talk and start behaving like an example for others.
ShadielTH - Today at 1:00 PM
You think I don't try that?
Sorry for having my head filled with all the shit I have to handle irl, I guess.
Seren-Hime - Today at 1:01 PM
But shadie, we all have our share of things going on irl.
We just dont let it affect how we are with others or let it out on others.
ShadielTH - Today at 1:01 PM
I'm not arguing otherwise.
But I'm at my breaking point.
Dunno if you ever had to handle even half the shit I have to handle rn.
It's awful.
It's mentally tiring.
I literally want to kill myself to stop it every other day.
So forgive me for speaking out of tone and getting overworked over stupid shit sometimes.
But when literally every week something goes wrong and my life continues to spiral down into hell, sometimes I just need to let my anger out.
In anyway.
It's not the most appropiate thing to do? Absolutely.

Could I probably try harder so I don't have these stupid outbursts? definitely.

Do I regret it later when it happens? Yup.
But I can't do much more than what I am rn.
Short of bottling everything up again.
And then collapsing mid-class as a result of yet another anxiety attack.
Gosh.
Seren-Hime - Today at 1:05 PM
Then do you think its better to let you have to shoulder FO with all this going on?
Perhaps you do need a break.
ShadielTH - Today at 1:05 PM
FO or not, that wouldn't stop my outbursts.
Seren-Hime - Today at 1:06 PM
This might sound horrible, but shadie, I do not want outbursts happening in KOA in any shape or form.
It will just result in issues and unnecessary drama.
ShadielTH - Today at 1:07 PM
Then I'm clearly the problem here.
Seren-Hime - Today at 1:07 PM
Not you but the way you behave.
I have seen you when you want to be great, you are.
And then sometimes something comes over you and you just press the self destruct button
and everything goes to shit.
ShadielTH - Today at 1:08 PM
And if I can't control the way I behave sometimes, I still am the problem, aren't I?
My behavior is part of me after all.
Seren-Hime - Today at 1:08 PM
Of course you can behave your way of acting.
Unless you have a learning disability.
ShadielTH - Today at 1:08 PM
I wish.
At least I'd get paid for that.
And the people who treat me like a dumbass would be half-right.
Seren-Hime - Today at 1:10 PM
If you need to rant, just do it on a blog.
Or 4chan.
Or somewhere people dont know you.
ShadielTH - Today at 1:11 PM
Ranting won't fix my problems.
Believe me, I've tried.
I have writing as a hobby, and there was a time where I used to write gory stories solely to relief myself of stress.
That didn't work.
I would explode anyway at the slightest scratch.
I went to the bathroom to cry a bit so I'm okayer now, sorry for ranting
I'd understand if you want me to leave the crew or something. Specially since this is bound to happen again.
Seren-Hime - Today at 1:38 PM
I dont expect you to leave the crew, Shadie.
ShadielTH - Today at 1:39 PM
What do you want me to do, then. Until I stabilize, which is going to take a long time, this is going to happen again. I just know it.
I can try to control myself all I can but there's a point where I just can't.
And there's not always someone around to stop me. Y'all have lives too.
[There was a message here that I deleted about me handing over my FO position voluntarly as soon as KZA added me back. Between this and the previous message, I couldn't talk to Seren further due to her removing me as a friend and not having shared servers.]
ShadielTH - Today at 3:42 PM
Poke me when you can talk.
Seren-Hime - Today at 3:42 PM
Shadie, all I can say is I am not impressed, is all.
ShadielTH - Today at 3:42 PM
Impressed? Do you think I was trying to impress you or something?
You're the one who decided to treat me like I was worth nothing a few hours ago.
While I understand you wanting to preserve Koa's image, the least you could've done is act like a freaking human being about it.
I know it's my fault for acting like I did. I don't need anyone to tell me that.(edited)
All I want you to do is to understand my situation. And not go all "manager-esque" on me.
...ugh, I'm getting angry again and there's honestly no point to doing that. Sorry. I'm just a bit disheartened. To me it honestly felt like you were giving me the cold shoulder there.
Seren-Hime - Today at 3:52 PM
I have been very understanding of your situation and I am truly sorry for your trouble.
But, please see things from my side as well. Every time something happens you throw in you want to quit. You did so now, and as sorry as I am, this is just not how things work. You cant just come and go as you please, not online, not irl.

CCB just disbanded, friends got torn appart and people are losing a place that was a home for them for a very long time and in a time as such you decide to make this about you, it is not.
I understand KZA invited you back to CCB, fair enough. This is a free server after all, as for KOA, sorry, but there is no need to continue this.

Now that you are not an FO anymore, I do not think you will be able to deal with it should Aster tell you off, or any other FO.
ShadielTH - Today at 3:53 PM
I needed to calm down, Seren.
I was a freaking emotional wreck. To me, leaving to calm down a bit was the only reasonable choice.
And I did that. I calmed down, thought things over a few times.
This and CCB's disbanding are entirely different things, although I'm sorry they had to happen within a short time of each other.
And no need to continue what? If you wanna kick me from the crew for my behavior, just tell me. And if you want me to apologize publicly, tell me as well.

And as for "Aster or any other FO telling me off." I would love to know why the hell they should tell me off about anything. Or what "not being able to deal with it" means.
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:01 PM
Shadie, members have noticed you left.
If I allow you to come back now all it will do is give everyone the idea that they can do as they please by coming and going.
You made your decision. People told you to stay, I told you it is up to you. You went, again, for the fourth time now in a month emotional over nothing and threw the blanket.
Sorry. That is all I have got to say.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:02 PM
So you're throwing me under the bus.
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:02 PM
No. You left on your own.
I did not make that decision for you.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:03 PM
Yes. And I literally just explained why. And have been trying to tell why the hell I'm like I currently am this entire time.
And you're not willing to even consider it for a second just to save face.
I consider that throwing me under the bus.
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:04 PM
Then please understand, because you are this the entire time, I do not think its wise to continue.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:04 PM
"The entire time?"
Was I like this when I accepted that you were more qualified as a Danchou than I was? Despite you insisting that I would get upset about it?
Was I like this when I legitimately try to help people, even if sometimes I, admittedly, could word things better?
Was I like this when kza freaking came over to offer me the FO position?
Tell me, Seren, was I?
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:07 PM
Shadie I did not throw you under the bus, nor did I make a decision for you.
You left. This is fully on you.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:07 PM
Again. You're just trying to save face.
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:07 PM
Thats what I am here for.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:08 PM
That's not how things work.
Not online, not in real life.
But hey, at least we can say jc was wrong.
I won't be leaving over Aster.
I'll be leaving over you.
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:10 PM
If you need someone to blame your own decissions on, feel free to.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:10 PM
I'll help the crew for the short time I can access gbf, then as soon as GW is over, I'll quit the crew and the game.

I only wanted to talk things out, Seren.
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:11 PM
We did, and I honestly do not believe you can manage being in koa given all whats happened today.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:11 PM
I can manage being in Koa.
Thankfully, I'm mentally sane.
The important thing is whether or not I want to after this.
I'm very tired of taking people's abuse and people believing I'm worth nothing. My mom takes two full pills of antidepressants each morning and it's entirely my fault, because I couldn't tough up and get past the awful people in my life.

There's not a day I don't blame myself for what happens in my life.

And yes, I have my outbursts. But every day. Every fucking day. I try to be a better person than I was the day before.

I told you. If that's what you want from me, I'll apologize. I have no problem admitting my own faults.

But, Seren. When people support you, and back you up, you can't treat them like this when you have an issue with something they can't help.

I'm not blaming you for anything. I wish I could blame anyone other than myself.

But I do not want to be around someone who's going to treat me like the people who put me into this situation.
That's all.
And once again, sorry.
One last thing. I only need your permission to donate my account to someone in Koa if anyone wants it. Just in case you have any problems with it.
Or you can keep ignoring me, that's fine too.
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:31 PM
It is against the ToS to trade or give over accounts.
In the end, do as you please.
Also, it is a developed account, no point throwing it at newbies.
Keep it, who knows, you might continue gbf.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:35 PM
"It is against the ToS to trade or give over accounts."

It is against the ToS to use Viramate as well. Didn't stop you. And yes, I'll do as I please, thank you.
Did you remove the Koa role or was that kza?
Because I would like to see battle plans for Koa so I can help.
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:52 PM
That was my decision.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:52 PM
Ah, so you're not gonna lemme help my last week in the crew?
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:52 PM
Feel free to farm as you please, there is no battle plan.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:53 PM
I'm not gonna talk poorly about you, if that's what you're worried about.
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:53 PM
Even if you did, I do not think anything would come of it.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:53 PM
And I'd like to you know. Hang out with peeps. I enjoy talking.
I'm not gonna start anything. I'll just hang around one more week and leave.
So, could I please have the Koa role back? Or should I go to kza about this.
Seren-Hime - Today at 4:54 PM
You left, sorry. Kza wont give you the role back either.
ShadielTH - Today at 4:55 PM
I didn't leave yet. I legitimately can't leave until GW is over.
By doing this, you're the only one who'll look bad, Seren.
This is downright unreasonable.
ShadielTH - Today at 5:01 PM
jc asked me what happened for me to leave, what should I tell him? :)
Seren-Hime - Today at 5:02 PM
[screenshot of #fo-chat]
And then you left.
All JC needs to know.
ShadielTH - Today at 5:03 PM
That's not the full truth, though.
And definitely makes me look like the unreasonable one here
:
:)*
Btw did kza agree with the whole removing the koa role thing?
Well, you got what you wanted. No more drama from me in Koa. You won't see me again anymore.
Seren-Hime - Today at 5:57 PM
Shadie, please stop whispering me about this.
ShadielTH - Today at 5:57 PM
Ah, sorry.
Can I tell you something, though?
Thanks for helping me when you did.
That's all.