Anon in Equestria: I Wish I Wasn't Sober Part 3

>it's time
>in precisely one hour and two minutes, at exactly 10:07:32 AM, the contest will begin
>overnight, Ponyville's park was transformed with bleachers for an already forming crowd, large tents that cover tables ready to be laden with contestant's admissions, and four seats behind a judges' table
>it seems that your contest proposal wasn't kept secret by your rival, and that it actually snowballed until everypony capable of baking sweets wanted a spot
>no matter
>you'll defeat them all
>you operate on another level
>you check your suit, making sure it was clean and pressed
>Breakfast Anon's Tobbaco and Food Emporium will be closed for a few hours, but business won't take that much of a hit; mainly because your customers would be at the event themselves, and this would be a good way to advertize
>you'll easily be able to open up another store after this, winning an event of this magnitude would attract enough attention, investors and business opportunities
>with fiery confidence, you leave your store with Snips and Snails in tow
>they're carefully pulling carts loaded with your newest products, and also a few choice chocolate and candy bars from your inventory
>no use in wasting the prized ace up your sleeve on the first two-bit pony with a stick of toffee
>as you enter the park grounds you recognize some familair faces
>the fresh morning air breezes through a clear sky, barely blemished by a few cottony-white clouds
>a colorful winged blur rockets from them, vaporizing the little nimbus clouds one after the other before settling down next to some other ponies you're acquainted with
>the little band all wave and cheer at Pinkie
>right, they were all close friends
>you look back at your bumbling employees
"Do be careful with those carts, the bars must not be disturbed," you remark
>they jump in surprise at your warning, and almost knock the carts over
>somehow, in a blur of uncoordinated limbs, yelling, and skittering about, the fall of your items from the cart is stopped
"As I was saying, just be careful,"
"U-U-Understood, Boss Man Chief Mr. Sir Anon sir!"
"Yep-...  I mean got it-...  I mean sure thin-
>Snips elbows Snails
"Keep it together, he might FIRE you!"
"Fire me? Ohhh noooo!"
>Snails recoils, almost knocking the carts over again   But I uhhh, I got the most experience or something..."
>you break them up before their wild speculation causes more trouble
"Snips, Snails, how about you go on ahead and reserve a table or something,"
>it's pretty much your contest, you actually have one of the tables close to the audience and the judges, but now you can make your subordinates happy and ensure that they can't destroy your candy bars
>a trashed table might be easy to replace, but your hand-crafted confections?  That would be a disaster
>you start to pull both carts, avoiding anything that could disturb your chocolates
>easy does it
>steady as she goes
>you find the right table without incident, proceeding to call Snips and Snails over
>they were guarding a water cooler table, thinking they'd reserved it for you or something
>meanwhile, a couple thirsty ponies rubbed their temples in exasperation
>you start unloading your two carts
>your display is quite impressive
>you've lined the edges of the table with fine chocolates, like a border
>most of the table is occupied by symmetrically-arranged original creations
>towards the middle are your flagship products
>near the center lies the special chocolate bars, protected by glass domes
>and the very middle of the table holds what looks more like a thick, solid steel thermos
>its contents won't be unveiled until it’s absolutely necessary
>mostly because you didn't know if sunlight would cause a neutron cascade and give everyone within a fifty yard radius a lethal dose of gamma radiation
>no matter, the taste is worth playing with the chocolate equivalent of a Demon Core
>when your table is ready, with all the items lined up perfectly on the clean white tablecloth, you stand up straight to stretch and to observe your competition
>Pinkie's table is painfully obvious.  It sits on the other end of the contestant line, hosting more colorful decorations than an accident between a shroomed-up clown and a party supply superstore
>between her and you lies a handful of tables, ranging from kitchen confections to the commercial candy shop product tables
>this was going to be fun
>with the crowds filling their seats, you double checked everything one last time
>horns blared as the judges arrived
>the first judge appeared in a flash of sparks and smoke
"The Great and Powerful Trixie has arrived!  Trixie will be your host and judge for this event today.  We have one fun-filled day for you all, but first let me introduce our contestants.  In the first table, we have Anon of Breakfast Anon's Tobacco and Food Emporium,"
>you stand and wave to the crowd as they cheer, as if you're some sort of football celebrity
"At table two, we have Twist, from her humble kitchen!  Wish her luck,"
>a significantly higher pitched cheer erupts from the fillies and colts in the audience, obviously supporting their classmate
"At table three, we have Bonbon from Bon Bonbon's Bonbons!"
>the audience cheers and hoofs at the ground once more
>your attention focuses on the empty judge's seats as Trixie continues introducing the competitors
>were the two judges late?
>maybe just a mistake with the seats
"And last but definitely not least, Pinkie Pie, representing the Sugarcube Corner!"
>the crowd erupts, standing and stomping madly
>from the outside, the odds appear stacked against you
>but you couldn't lose, not with your trump card
"Now before we begin, I have two more introductions to make.  Straight from Canterlot, the two, the only, Equestria's noble rulers, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!"
>the what now?
>royalty?
>the regal hoof waving of the two princesses was convincing enough for you
>better put your best foot forward, this kind of promotion with popular figures like royalty would be a boom for business
"Without further delay, let the contest begin!"
>here we go
>the match-ups put a few contestants before you
>the competition would weed itself out even before you'd have to put your creations against anypony else's
>Twist was your first unlucky victim
>she stands nervously as you tower next to her, silver platter in hand
"The Great and Powerful Trixie will be the first to taste your candy bars,"
>the little filly lifts the platter up to the first judge, nervously lisping out
“You’re gonna love my nuths,”
>Trixie raises an eyebrow
“…  Right, little pony, Trixie will now judge your candy,”
>she daintily takes a small bite from the simple looking bar, passing more examples along to the other judges
"Trixie enjoys your confection.  Trixie finds the blend of nuts, dried fruits and chocolate to be pleasing to her palate, but the nuts overpower the dried fruits, and candied fruits would have been a better choice.  Trixie gives this a 6.8/10,"
>Luna and Celestia were busy stuffing their faces as discreetly as possible, acting like nothing was going on while sneaking candy bars left and right
>Luna, who you assume isn't the white one, notices that the crowd's attention has shifted to them
>the darker princess elbows the alabaster horse
>they both attempt to stealthily finish their bites
>after a few seconds of smiling with closed mouths and fidgeting jaws, they clear their throats
"WE WILL BEGIN THE TRADITIONAL ROYAL TASTING CEREMONY,"
>you hold the tablecloth as the volume and intensity of Luna's voice threatens to ruin your display
>holy graham crackers, she's got a pair of lungs on her
>the other Princess leans over to her sister and whispers something in her ear
"WHAT?  THOU HATH DECREED THE ABLATION OF THE ROYAL TASTING CEREMONY?  EGADS, SISTER, THOU KNOETH IT BE MINE FAVORITE,"
>the slightly more subtle white alicorn, who you assume is Celestia, seems to sigh and smile
>over your ringing ears, you hear her say something like "It was, wasn't it?  Dearest sister, feel free to perform it for old time's sake,"
>Princess Luna nods, smiling, silently thanking her sister before blaring once again in an outrageously loud speakerphone voice
"WE WILL NOW PERFORM THE TRADITIONAL ROYAL CANTERLOT TASTING CEREMONY,"
>Luna sits down, grabs a piece of Twist's chocolate bar with her hoof, and shoves it in her mouth
>she chews and swallows
"ENJOYABLE.  6.9/10,"
>you wait a few seconds to see what her big ceremony is all about
>was that it?
>Celestia giggles, shakes her head at her sister, and tries Twist's confection
>seems like this sun-tattooed horse has a sense of humor, but you don't know if you like it
"7.2/10, good choice of nuts,"
>you study your opponent’s bar closely
>this wouldn’t require anything special to defeat
>a Mars bar should be fine
>stretching your left arm, you delicately retrieve a platter of unwrapped Mars bars
“I hope these will be enjoyable, my honorable judges,” you solemnly say
>once again, Trixie raises an eyebrow, but the corner of her mouth is curved in a hint of a light smile
>it appears that she likes being served like royalty or called honorable; perhaps flattery will help you in a bind
>with her snout raised high, she approaches, horn glowing
>timidly, she uses her magic to bring the candy to her mouth
>you hear the soft crack of the chocolate dipped bar break
>you stand silently, hoping you aren’t being too cocky about saving your better products for later
>she chews slowly
>a strong, red blush forms over her face
>it spreads
>her very coat seems to change color, ever so slightly red-tinged
“Oh my stars…”
>Trixie seems to swell, turning redder and redder
“Trixie has never tasted something so celestial…”
>her cape, normally slack, creates a crevasse in her swelling body
>the fur is mottled over her stretched skin
>the audience gasps
>before you, spherical, red, scored with a large scar-shaped crack, mottled with craters of fur
>right in front of you
>the planet Mars
>you don’t know if Trixie is okay, but she manages to speak, even in her planetoid form
>you don’t really know where her head is, but she doesn’t seem too bothered by her state
“Trixie thinks it tastes wonderfully alien.  Space/10,”
>some bars vanish in a puff of magic from your plate
>reappearing in front of Celestia and Luna
>they seem to fight over the remaining sticks, various colors of sparks flashing as the bars are teleported back and forth with impressive, seizure-inducing speed
>finally, they both seem to magic a Mars bar into their mouths
>Celestia blushes deeply
“Xenomorphic…  I give it a rating of 10/my parents” she whispers
>Luna’s nose starts bleeding
>she tries to speak, but the sticky caramel prevents her from talking properly
>all that comes out of her mouth is a strange, nasal
“Aack aaaack AAAACK aack ack aaaaaaack!”
>you’re a little worried, it’s like Mars attacks her face with its chewy caramel and soft filling
>the crowd is a little confused as Luna seems to stick some tissue paper up her nose and Celestia fights to regain control of her coat’s colors
“The great and powerful Trixie wants to know if the other judges have any objections to Anon winning against Twist,”
>seems that Trixie has returned to her normal state
>she’s acting like nothing happened
 “No objections,”
>you suspect that renewed munching by the Princesses is the reason why your remaining Mars bars have vanished
>the competition weeds itself nicely
>The Flim Flam brothers win against Filthy Rich’s candy corporation
>they, in turn, lose against Bonbon
>you face off against the fluffy equine as Pinkie Pie pits her mettle against a mysterious Zebra with foreign goods
>things are getting pretty warmed up now
>Bonbon is an experienced candy creator
>your main flagship product should be worth a shot here
>pulling any punches would do you no good at this point
“Trixie has been waiting for this,”
>she gargles some iced mint tea to clean her taste buds in preparation
>Bonbon stares at you
>even if you’re taller, she’s not budging
>the fluffy little horse is full of fighting spirit
>you get a good look at Bonbon's candy sticks
>they were indeed checkered pink and purple, a sour cranberry and raspberry smell wafting over
>it looked good
>you are confident that the Chewy Nutella Nougat Crisp will suffice
>before you can wrestle with your decision some more, the contest host speaks up
“Trixie will try your toffee, Mr. Anon,”
>the flashy mare takes a bite
>her eyes roll back in their sockets and she collapses
>the crowd gasps
>both Princesses look at each other, then to you
>Bonbon is staring as if you’ve poisoned Trixie
>from the audience comes a strong, feminine voice
“Oh dear!  You’ve fed a practiced taste tester your toffee tab?  Don’t you know they have much more sensitive tastebuds than the usual pony?”
>you think you recognize her
>you remember seeing her at Sugarcube Corner
“Mrs. Cake?” you gasp
>she makes her way down, husband moving meekly in tow
“Oh my…  I’ve heard of your confections, Mr. Anon, and I knew something like this would happen at one point…  You’re lucky she doesn’t know taste-enhancing magic like Twilight does, poor mare,”
>Trixie still isn’t moving
“Is she going to be okay?  I’d hate to get into a lawsuit situation…” you inquire
“She should be okay, don’t worry, dear.  It’s just a little much for a practiced food judge like herself,”
>Twilight chimes in from the audience
>you swallow, because you aren’t sure if Trixie is breathing
“Trixie never mentioned that she was a food critic!”
“Well, dear, you never asked her, now, have you?”
>Twilight sits back down with a bit of a guilty look on her face
>Trixie starts to move, at last
“Give her some room, everypony.  Be a dear and get some water, please?” says Mrs. Cake to her husband
>Trixie comes to, and even before her eyes are focused, she mutters
“An…  Anon is the winner,”
>Bonbon lets out a shriek and flips Twists’ table
“What wath that for!?”
>the foal’s cries go unnoticed
“This is so unfair!  The Princesses didn’t even try his candy!  Hayfeathers, you didn’t even taste mine!”
>Trixie slowly gets up
“Anon wins,”
>she coughs, slowly cantering to the fuming, enraged Bonbon
“He wins because there’s no point in trying your candy.  Trixie…  Trixie has tasted something today, something she’ll never forget,”
>Bonbon’s protests become pleas
“But this toffee of mine is perfect, just try it, please, you have to give me a chance,”
>Trixie shakes her head, slowly, whimsically
>Bonbon starts to tear up
“You have to understand.  Trixie passed out back there.  Will your toffee take me to pony heaven and back?  Will it, Bonbon?”
>Bonbon tries to reply, taken aback
“But…  The Princesses…  What about the-
>you look over as Bonbon points to the two matriarchs
>she stops her protests when she sees that both alicorns are toppled over, tongues hanging from their mouths, eyes rolled up, not breathing
>half of your Chewy Nutella Nougat Crisp stash is gone
>the curly-maned mare’s head drops
“I give up,” she says, walking off
>only after a few seconds of you cheering do your underlings connect the dots and begin cheering too
>eventually, the Princesses recover and the contest continues
>you take a break while the judges deal with a contestant pair
>you expect to butt heads with the hyperactive pink one soon; she couldn’t possibly be defeated by any creature here
>apart from you, of course
>you sit back, looking at the Princesses discreetly stuffing their faces while Trixie reacts more and more violently to the candy she ingests
>you have heard rumors that she was a showoff, but this was quite entertaining
>after turning into a coconut tree in response to the Zebra’s tropical delights candy bar, she tried to taste and rate Pinkie’s Bubbly Balloon Bubblegum Party Pie bar and exploded into gumballs
>it took all the Princess’ horses to piece her back
>you think Fluttershy is timidly assaulting the zebra with bits, asking if it’ll turn her into a tree
>as the sun towers in the sky, you crack your knuckles as Pinkie pops hers
>you stare at each other intensely
>the real contest about to begin