Thread 29: Stories 1-15

Thread 29 archive: http://archive.heinessen.com/mlp/thread/18481892
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>32
"High Roller"
'Triage'

>Are you smaller than an alicorn?

"Yes."

>Are you larger than a changeling?

"No."

>Hmm...are you a mammal?

"Yes."

>Do you tend to eat people?

"Ye-"

>PYGMY PONY!

"Damn, ya got me."

>Yes! I win again!

"Thought I had you that time."

>I almost guessed Morlock, honestly, but found it would be in bad taste given my efforts.

"Still can't get my head around that."

>What?

"The Morlock thing."

>That I managed to pull them away from their path of destruction?

"No, them in general. Ponies didn't live here until well into the tribal stage of development, but the Morlocks have been under this mountain long enough to evolve a defect where sunlight kills them, become a part of the mountain's ecology, and a crazy pseudo tribal civilization before you showed up."

>Also they give birth in litters.

"That too."

>Why...how...who are you and what did you do with the imbecile I was speaking with before!?

Roller shrugs.

"My old CO used to have me guard the Las Pegasus library as punishment when I'd get caught in a brothel. I'd read books to pass the time, when I ran out of sex technique books-"

>Snrk!

"-I dabbled in science here and there. History. You know, egghead stuff."

>Interesting, very interesting. I-...you hear something?

There are shouts from above, muffled explosions.

"Hm? Oh that'd be my plan being set into motion."

>What?

"The Guards and Changelings should right now be engaging in a battle. The Guards believing the Changelings want Celestia's cake, the Changelings believing the guards are hoarding Partyland tickets. And it just so happens someone unlocked the part of the armory where we keep the paint munitions for war games."

>...you started a war?

"I'd like to think of it more as a skirmish, really. Nobody's gonna get reeeeally hurt."

>Why?

"Because I needed chaos to accomplish my ultimate goal."

Roller looks off to his side as a pale yellow mare walks to the chartreuse stallion's side. Behind her is a saddle bag loaded down with...something.

"You got it, baby?"

'Yes I do, Sugarplum~'

"Fantastic, just like you."

>Can one of you dolts explain to me what's going on!?

"Something I've been planning ever since I got to his castle, buggy boy. Dear?"

Triage gave demure smirk, dipping her head into the bag and retrieving...a bottle of wine.

"This B-E-A-utiful little number is a primo bottle of Solar Reserve, the private stock of the sun goddess herself. Granted I think her taste moved to cake around the time this one was made but it and those like it have remained under lock and key protection for ages. Until today."

>...

"Heh, now. You're welcome to join us in tasting the spoils of this heist, or you can let your mouth go dry in your itty bitty cell."

>...you voluntarily put yourself down here with me, got the guy after you tickets to Partyland, started a paintball war-

"Skirmish."

>-all to STEAL A BOTTLE OF WINE!?

"Have you TASTED Solar Reserve? This is the stuff of LEGENDS, man! I only heard about it because of this book I found in that library, you wanna know what it was called? The Tome of Heavenly Brews. Says the stuff tastes like liquid gold! Liquid. Gold. You look at me with a straight face and tell me it doesn't make this thing sound worth EVERYTHING I just went through to get it!"

>...It doesn't make this thing sound like-oh who am I kidding? Give it!

32 makes a grab for it but High Roller nudges Triage back and out of the way.

"Haaaang on, buddy! A little proviso before we let you have a sip. Me and my marefriend here want the true wine-drinking experience, and we need you to complete it."

>...hoooow?

"You sing for us, and we'll give you a whole half of the bottle, eh?"

>Ooh...so everything DOES have a point with you, huh?

"I guess so."

32 smiles.

>Any preferences?

"Not particularly."

>You should really have some. I could sing some bawdy Gryphon drinking song that'd violate your lady's virgin ears.

'I grew up in Hoofsburg, hon, you could sing about a hippo screwing a Diamond Dog where he ought not be screwed and I'd just giggle.'

>You sir, have picked a winner. Alright, tell me if you've heard this one...He was a hotheaded colt, he was brutally handsome, and she was terminally pretty, she held him up and he held her for ransom in the heaaaart of the cold cold city~...

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>DT
"SS"
~~~

>Wooo! Spike sure missed out on that one.

"He really did. Who knew that hair can fizzle like that....Hey where did Spike go?"

>Hmph, I'm willing to bet that idiot got lost somewhere.

"and left 2 girls by themselves? *gasps* What a douche bag."

>Hahaha, you said it Silver. Come on, let's find him before he trips over a bucket. He can make it up to us by buying lunch.
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>18
"29"
~~~~

>Ah, fuck. It's you.

"My old fellow infiltrator! How... well, how random to see you again."

>They seriously let you in? Don't they have a restriction on sex offenders?

"They let you in."

>Unfortunately I have done no such sexing to offend anyone.

"HAHA! I knew you were a second string infiltrator!"

>So then, you have?

"..."

>Thought so.

"Well, unlike you, a shield on high keeps me from my target. My wiles were clearly working too well, and they could not bare to be within the same place as me for much longer without succumbing. Oh, tis a shame he managed to catch on in the hair's breadth of time!"

>Sure, let's go with that.

"Indeed we shall."

>So, what the hell have you been up to?

"Oh? Well, I've been-"

>Not really, I don't like you. See ya.

"Oh, uh... yeah... I have partying to do anyway."

>Have fun with that.

*She leaves*

"...No, I'm not upset, I don't like her either. Really. She was always a b-... a nasty pony to me... no, I do not want ice creme... yes I will go get it anyway... because.... reasons..."
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>Rarity
"Applejack"
~~~~~

>Now, Applejack, it's not that bad.

"THEY DEEP FRIED THE APPLES, RARITY! STRAIGHT! YA' DON'T DO THAT! THAT'S AGAINST THE LAWS O' NATURE!"

>Well, I mean, I guess we could technically-

"Ah' makin' a new law! No more usin' the poor apples like that! NONE! It's wrong! Mah' poor grandpappy is cryin' in the great beyond, ah' tell ya'!"

>They're pretty tasty, according to Spike. I don't know, all that grease looks like it would go to my perky little stomach.

"AH' DON'T CARE! This is a travesty! A mockery of all that's good about apples! They're healthy, juicy colorful wonders! This is a dried up, unhealthy dull brown mess! IT'S WRRROOOOOOONNNG!"

>There there, do you want a hug?

"NO!"

>...

"...YES AH' WANT A HUG!"

>There now, it's okay.

"Ah... ah' just... how could ya' do that to an apple? It ain't right, ah' tell ya!"

>Oh, I understand, we'll talk to Pinkie later, okay?

"...*sniffle*"

>Poor thing... my goodness your plot is huge, it's cutting of circulation on my leg.

"Want me ta' move?"

>No no, you just vent.

"Thanks....... tha' poor appppplllleeees....."
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>Chitania
"Rekulk"
'Vekir'
[Grehm]
~~~~~

>What the fuck...

"HAHA! Good day to you, pat-reon of park! I am Rekulk the trader, yes! I wish to see if you wish trading with us! Many many things we offer, so many things!"

>Get away from my popcorn maker.

'I was simply examining it for trade!'

>I'm not trading it.

'But it looks so good!'

>Right, that's why I'm not trading it.

"Forgive her, she is still a pup at heart. She sees something she likes and wishes it, and does not take well to being told no."

>No.

'MENHHHH!'

"See?"

>Am I going to have to hurt you? I will hurt you.

'Please!? The tiny white mushrooms it makes looks so very tasty!'

>It should after all the modifications I've made.

"We do have many a shiny stone, you could buy another one!"

>Could you buy another face?

"I uh... I do not think so?"

>Then get out of mine.

"Ah, yes, well... very well!"

'Yes, we will-NEH...GLK!'

>Not smart.

[Put her down.]

>Or what?

[I fight, I am warrior.]

>Oh yeah?

Maliciously, she outstretched her hoof.

>Hit it as hard as you can.

[Very well. GRAH!]

A loud CLUNK! rang out as his armor covered hoof collided with it.

[...HISSSSS]

It hadn't even moved at all.

'...BAD CHOICES! I HAVE MADE THEM!'

>That you have.

Carelessly, she dropped her.

>Now run.

'RUNNING I DO VERY WELL!'

"Vekir, not so fast! She was only making the not serious, yes? Come back!"

[...Like the shiny head of metal, only stronger.]

>Run along now.

[Yes... yes...]

>...Now... what the fuck were they!?
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>>It should after all the modifications I've made.

>Next time, on Pimp My Popcorn maker!
"RIMS, BITCHES! AND FUCKIN' HYDRAULICS!"
*WEEPWOOOP! WEEEPWOOOP!*

--------------

>"What the hell is that!?"

"I call it a butter cannon! It shoots salt!"

>"What?"

"Saltcanon was already used for the rocket."

>"It has rockets!?"

"What popcorn maker doesn't?"

------------
>"Okay, so that's the flavor mister, that's the turning mechanism, wait... what is that thing?"

"Actually? No idea, but the lady in the shop says everyone needs one, so I stuck it on there just in case. Weird, though, look what happens when I throw the switch."

*BZZZZZZZZ!*

>"..."

"I'll find a use for it someday."

>"With your lovelife, I don't doubt it."

"What?"

>"Nothing."

*ZZZZZZZZZZ!*
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>SA
"Celestia"
'Chrysalis'
~~~~

>So did you also just notice the sky?

"I've learned not to question things like that."

>Unhealthy.

"It's a necessity to keep my sanity."

'There you are!'

>She said, ignoring that she ran from me, and not the other way around.

'Awww, feeling neglected? Oh, alright, I'll let you rut me in the 'special' way, but just this once!'

"Any sex you got would be 'special' at this point, also, unlikely."

'Celly, I told you, you are more than welcome to join in once we get the solar blasting down to bearable levels.'

>Did she seriously?

"Yes, surprisingly."

'Hey, I am all for a little competition in the bed. Celestia wants to take the 'pole dancing' to the next level, I'm game.'

>I'm not.

'You know, Shiny, I worry about you sometimes, I really do. The Queen of all Changelings and the top Princess of Equestria together in a sex competition, and you say no? Is there something you're not telling me about Cadence?'

>Please don't imply what you are going to imply.

'Just saying... oh! Did you want me to invite Cadence too? I thought that was implied already.'

"You're seriously under the impression the head of the 'bland sex' club would engage in a threesome?"

'Threesomes are perfect for someone like her! I wear him out with the rough stuff, and then she gets the nice slow loving afterwards.'

"Not a cuddler?"

'I can cuddle afterwards! You don't leave part three out of the cuddle... that's just rude.'

>Married.

'You keep saying that like it's supposed to mean something.'

"Well, while you're never getting a 'ride' like that, want to join us on the ricochet ride? You get strapped to this thing that gets flung back and forth by rubber bands."

'Hah, not the only rubber stretching tonight!'

>Really?

'What? I don't want kids.'

>Not what I meant.

"Come on already!"

>This is going to be fun.

'That's what I said, when I was looking at you in the shower.'

>...Sigh...
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>Pinkie
"Dash"
'Fluttershy'
[???]
{???}
~~~~

>Now I know what you're thinking, how can someone like you survive an explosion that would normally destroy a house and still come out smiling. The answer may surprise you.

'I didn't wonder that.'

"I kind of did that already."

>We can't all super-punch dinosaur bugs, Dash! It's just not feasible, no way could we afford the insurance premium, and I don't think Chitania would go for it!

"Could do it as a public service."

'I'd prefer that to all of this execution talk ponies keep doing.'

"Hey, sometimes you've just gotta put 'em down."

'Name one time.'

"...Uh... er..."

>Well, what about that time with... I mean... Oh! We kind of blew up Sombra!... Accidentally. And not us. And he's fine now.

"I kind of want to kill Chrysalis sometimes."

'Really!? That's so extreme! What does she do to you!? Tell me and I'll leave a bunch of notes and maybe make suggestions that I don't want Discord to do but he does anyway.'

"...Just kind of annoys me, I guess?"

[Who annoys who now?]

>TWILIGHT! There you are!

"And you've got a thing on your back."

{HI AUNTIE PINKIE DASHIE AND FLUTTERSHY!}

"Why are we aunties anyway?"

{Cause yer' like sisters ta' Auntie Twilight and that means yer' Aunties ta' me!}

>Flawless logic! I am in awe little cutie pie!

'No luck finding your brother?'

[Fraid not. Oh! Fluttershy, tell Discord to stop it with the chaos stuff, I've had to shoot, like, three living oranges already.]

{They exploded into gummy bears!}

'O-oh, sure, of course. He probably didn't mean it.'

"Riiiiight."

>Twilight, come on! We were going on the bombadada ride next!

[Well, I was actually-]

{BOMBADADABOMBADADABOMBADADA!}

[-going on the ride, it seems.]

>AWESOME! Come on!

"...Flutts, you coming?"

'Oh! Um, yes, just a second....'

The moment they were out of sight, she crushed the beetle made of eyeballs that had grown from the ground.

'Get a hold of it...'

>Flutters?

'COMING!'
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>Suckerpunch
"41"
'Spike'

>Blurrrrgh!

"Bleeeeegh!"

>Geddaway from my tresh can!

"No you!"

>That ride wasss awful!

"I gaht whiplash!"

>Whyyyyyy?

"Gaaaah!"

'Uh, hello?'

>"GAH!"

>Uh! Spike, sir! Suckerpunch reporting, sir!

'One, you're not on duty, two, I'm not your commanding officer, three, what are you two doing?'

"Vomiting into a garbage can due to Flight to Heaven being more of a flight to the stratosphere."

>And reentry.

"Three times."

'Alright, add that one to the list. Look, I need to ask you two a favor.'

>What do you need?

'I need the two of you to check that thing out.'

Spike jabs a claw over his shoulder at the large art deco building that is the Hall of the Future.

'I need someone from our side to find out what's going on in there and if me or one of the other Gun Club members go in, it might attract unnecessary attention.'

>You think something shady may be going on in there?

'I'm not sure, but I want to know what they might have up their sleeves if push comes to shove. Any information is good information.'

"Makes sense to me, I was kind of looking for a break anyway."

>Yeah, I'd like SOME of the overpriced food I bought today to digest.

'Thanks, I owe you two one.'

Spike nods to them and walks away.

"For the record, if they start singing some cutesy catchy song, I'm getting the hell out of there."

>Hey at least it'll be air conditioned.

"Amen to that."

With a nod between them, the two newly christened informants move to see the future.
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>42
"Cadence"
~~~~

>This is cruel.

"What was that?"

>I said, uh, this is... cool. This water. It's cool. Not cold, though.

"Oh, yeah! I think that's to prevent hypothermia or something."

>Yes. Wise choice.

"Not that it matters, woo! I'm getting wet all over!"

>Well, they did warn us before we got on the ride.

"Meh, that's okay, I love getting wet! Really, you need to get wet more often."

>Uhh...

"Oh, you and your 'I can't swim!' deal."

>I have holes in my legs! No surface tension!

"Oh pshaw. You're just afraid of trying some new things. You could try doing something new with your hooves, maybe strapping something onto them to help with that."

>Celestia strike me down...

"What?"

>I said I'm just afraid I'll drown.

"Oh, fine. Reasonable. If you're a baby! You need to get wild! Kick a bunch! Don't let anything hold you down, you just hold your breath, get your nose in there and try something different! Not telling what might happen."

>...R-right...

"Scaredy cat. I can hear the pussy meowing from here!"

>...Fuck you, brain.

"What?"

>I said... no, actually, I'll repeat this one. FUCK YOU, BRAIN!

"..."

>Don't ask.

"Done and done!"

>What is going on in there...
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>Chitania
"???"
~~~~~

>Fucking hell, was it fifty paces, or... no.

Her eyes widened, her lips curling back into a snarl as a dark air hovered over her.

>It... it can't be... no... NO!

Had it not been hidden by the magic of her disguise, green flames would have been visible sparking all over her horn and eyes.

>This cannot be!

Holding back this rage was... a challenge. One she did not know if she could manage. Truly, it was her darkest in what seemed like years.

>...OH FUCK YOU! The pink one survived!? REALLY!? The pink one. The fucking... THE FUCKING PINK ONE!? I just... I just... why!? HOW?! On what planet is this cruel twist of fate possible!? FUCK YOU, GODS! YOU LET HER LIVE BUT NOT...

"Uh, miss?"

>FUCK YOU!

"Okay, um, you're shaking your fist at the sky and are growling so much every word is incoherent gibberish. Are you okay?"

>FUCK! YOU!

"Fine, jeeze.... Don't I know you from somewhere?

>FUUUUUUCKKKK YOOOOOOUUUUU!

"Fine! Whatever damn!"

Angrily, the changeling turned around and walked off.

Figures, 12 thought to himself. First day off in forever and someone spends most of it screaming at him.
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>Pinkie
"Dash"
'Fluttershy'
[Twilight]
{2}
~~~~

>I'm telling you, this ride is the BEST!

"You've been telling us that for six hours now. Every ride is 'the best'."

>But I mean it this time!

'Have you not meant it the last few times?'

>No, I did!

[...]

{My eyes are crossin'.}

[Try not to think about it, Two.]

{Think about what?}

[Atta girl.]

{I'm confused.}

>Don't sweat it, happens to me ALLLL the time!

"Believe her."

'She isn't lying.'

>Oh! I know! Let's go fight the- wait, can't yet. Okay, we'll-

"Fight the what?"

>Wellllll, it's just in it's infancy stage right now, not ready to go yet, but do you remember Harmony Prime?

[...Pinkie, no.]

>Not HIM, specifically! I made sure to replace their arms with sock'em boppers! Who doesn't want to fight in giant-ish robots?

'How giant-ish?'

>Only thirty feet!

"That cannot be legal."

>It's not until we reach full altitude, then it's totally legal! Skies the limits, baby!

"How do you afford this!?"

>Daddy is the most successful rock farmer on the planet. C'moooon, you guys trust me right?

[This is abusing your position as our friend.]

>It's what I do!

[Not better.]

{CAN I FIGHT THE ROBOTS!?}

>SU-... nope. Gotta wait till you're taller.

[Good call.]

'...Didn't YOU put her in a robot once-'

"FLUTTERSHY! Ixnay on the astmistakes pay!"

{Shiny says not ta' talk funny, I'll just figure it out and then we're screwed.}

'...I believe him.'

>OH OH! I KNOW! ROCKET PUNCH RIDE!

[You do realize she's a kindergartener, right?]

>...You do realize I could hit her with a train and she'd shrug it off, right?

[...point. Rocket punch it is.]

{YAYYYY!}
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>Dash
"Pinkie"
~~~~

>So, Pinkie. I can't help but notice we're kind of... going up into the air.

"Yepperino! It was a biiiiig headache to get a lot of this stuff cleared for usage on the ground, so we aren't on the ground! Problem solved!"

>Do you know what "Equestrian airspace" means?

"...Should I?"

>Fuck.
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>18
"Poindexter"
~~~~~

>Holy shit, you're here?

"She said, unaware of how much her incredulous tone hurt me."

>Just saying, weird coincidence.

"Not really a coincidence when Shiny sent me my tickets."

>Oh. Didn't realize he did that.

"Yeah, I was appreciative. Speaking of, you seen him?"

>Afraid not. Been wandering around.

"Huh, thought you'd be hanging off him."

>He said, unaware of how much his questioning tone hurt me.

"Sorry."

>You should be. Bad enough I know I'm barely even in the running for a race that got cancelled because of an earthquake that happened years before I arrived.

"Hey, you know, time travel is a thing."

>...Damn, am I really that pathetic?

"Considering it?"

>Weirdly, no. Because... ah, fuck, I am that pathetic.

"Spill, come on."

>I probably wouldn't do it because ...

"Becaaaauuuse..."

>She deserves... Fuck, doesn't matter. Have fun out there. There's a tilt-a-whirl that is also a roller coaster, it's fun. Go check it out.

"Yeah, I'll do that..."

>You should, though I'd strap those nerd glasses to your face, don't want to cause an accident.

"Hazard of the profession of being a nerd."

>Pft! HAH! At least it's better than being killed by paperwork! Later, Poindexter.

"Later..."

After she left, he couldn't help but sigh to himself.

"Damn, girl. I was already feeling bad for you... didn't have to make it worse somehow."

Sighing again, he trotted in the other direction.

"...maybe I should take her advice..."

His ears twitched, swinging around and trying to hone in on a very specific sound.

Somehow, through all the noises and rides, he heard a very distinct cackle.

"...Whelp. Never going to get another chance!"

He ran off, oblivious to the changeling who had secretly heard it all.

>Good luck, nerd boy...
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Non-canon
>Pinkie
"Twilight"
~~~
>Oh, no.. .We're in the ancient, abandoned areas of Partyland! The River Country resort!

"... Pinkie... How can this be ancient? You built this park less than a year ago, and how can you already have abandoned projec-"

>Shhhhh! The subcontractor we hired was a Grogarist. He worshipped the demons of Tartarus and befouled this place with dark magics!

"... It says here you only stoppoed contruction last tuesday-"

>THE SPIRITS OF EVIL HAUNT THIS PLACE AND HAVE FOR DECADES!
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