??-?

[3:43 AM] April: so i'll start from the bottom because i feel that it's best for me to do it: i've had gender dysphoria for about... 5 years and some change now? it was a bit of an on-and-off thing because i've already accepted in my mind that even if i wanted to change sex, i won't be able to because my parents are that conservative.

my dysphoria when i was younger was a bit faint mostly because i didn't know many trans people at the time and i wasn't entirely sure of how i felt about myself at the time (though i didn't feel comfortable with expressing masculinity or even identifying myself as a male). there was also the fact that i just didn't communicate with people irl at all and i barely look in the mirror, so my physical appearance didn't matter for the most part. i just told myself that gender identity didn't matter to me, and i just shelved the dysphoria because i had other issues to worry about. depression made my gender dysphoria feel mostly irrelevant in that sense, so my gender dysphoria, at least back then, wasn't severe.

i don't think that i can say that i was firmly for the idea of being a male even after i shelved the thought, but again, i think it's mostly because i didn't feel many consequences by being identified as male in the first place. a few people knew about my dysphoria, but most people acknowledged that it's not really something that

[3:43 AM] April: so 4 years later there was this one person that i met on o!m, and i hinted that i had gender dysphoria, and he was particularly sensitive to it, and he talked to me with feminine pronouns and the name that i wanted (april), and it was a strange but particularly nice feeling. i wouldn't say that he "aggravated" my gender dysphoria or anything, but what he did definitely made me think about what i want to be seen as. i did a bit more experimenting (vocal training, contemplation, talking to a few people about it, etc.) and most of the signs point to me wanting to be a girl rather than just a femboy or androgyne.

at this point i'm still not sure about whether i'm "actually" trans, but there's probably enough evidence like feeling comfortable when dreaming of having a feminine voice or be of the opposite sex for me to believe that it's the case. also it has gotten to a point where someone addressing me as "he" stops me for a moment, but it might be the fact that i'm just not used to it anymore
[3:43 AM] April: note that i don't really want to be like... a girly girl if you want to call it that
[3:43 AM] April: just short hair (upper-neck length) tomboy-esque