Advertisement
Not a member of Pastebin yet?
Sign Up,
it unlocks many cool features!
- Dad,
- In my life as a gay man, I believe I only ever really come out in an explicit
- manner once. I was in high school, in my first week of classes, and our
- counselors came around to our homeroom class to hold some getting-to-know-you
- exercise. This consisted of a lot of bored kids and one "excited" counselor
- asking us a series of yes or no questions and having us move to one side of the
- room for 'yes' and the other for 'no'. Being in a progressive town, I didn't
- expect to be the only kid to answer the question "Will you get married when you
- grow up?" with no, but sure enough, I was. I was feeling brave, so, when I was
- questioned about my response in front of the class, mumbled, "gay marriage is
- illegal, and I'm gay."
- All of the other times I had to come out to family or friends, it was something
- assumed, or something hinted at. When I came out to my mom, I did so by leaving
- a book about gay teens and their stories on her stack of books to read. Coming
- out at work at my first job out of college was a matter of being "the one hired
- by the gay manager", and coming out at my second job was a matter of my
- relationship with James being included in a portfolio piece - a
- data-visualization résumé about my life. When I *officially* came out to you, I
- did so by inviting you to my wedding to James. Prior to that, although I assume
- it was common knowledge, it was unspoken.
- Needless to say, I'm not all that good at coming out.
- Running away was a turning point for me - for both of us, really. I think that
- we have always been guarded in our communication with each other. During that
- time in my life, I felt under intense distress that I couldn't express to you.
- Not only did I not have the words, it didn't fit in with what I perceived to be
- our mode of communication. I felt stuck, drained, and worthless, and the only
- path forward to me at the time was escape.
- After that incident, however, I shut down even more. I didn't feel that talking
- through emotions, feelings, and identity with you was appropriate or allowed.
- This was something based off of my perceptions, which were that there are
- appropriate conversations to have, and that not all conversations fit into this
- category. I think - I hope - that my perceptions growing up were wrong. I know
- that my running away caused a lot of pain, and that's something that I still
- feel bad about, just as I know that only coming out to you through a wedding
- invite was not my classiest move, and I feel bad about that as well.
- It has been my goal with my friends and partners to have relationships based on
- the ability to share the emotions and problems that are part and parcel to being
- a living human being. Over the last few years, I've worked to open up to my mom
- as well, letting deliberate honesty take the place of obfuscation and lying
- through omission about the things that are tough to talk about. I think that I
- owe that to you as well, as my dad. I want to make up for all the lost
- conversations that we've never had. We've made good buddies over the last few
- decades, and I think it's important that we also make good family.
- So what's this about?
- I've been having troubles fitting within a masculine role for as long as I can
- remember. Early on, this was shown through a disregard for the boyish aspects
- of childhood: a lack of interest in sports, a fascination with reading the same
- books Marika (I apologize if I've misspelled her name, I believe that's the
- first time I've ever written it myself), and a need to keep out of the cliques
- of other boys in my early school years, except for the crowd of misfits I wound
- up palling around with, with whom I still keep in touch.
- Moving to college, of course, provided all sorts of opportunities to explore.
- Although I spent time hanging out in the LGBT student services office and
- fiddled around with all sorts of different relationships, I still maintained
- this repressed attitude toward gender. There is a tendency among gay men to be
- incredibly misogynistic, and I experienced no shortage of that until I managed
- to quit that group, about the time I switched into a major that I felt fit me
- much better. Working in the music department taught me a lot about how gender
- roles are cemented within western culture, and in particular, I remember a
- discussion in which a young woman who had accepted a male part in an operetta
- was taught how to walk like a man.
- Somewhere around then, I understood what feminism was all about. I realized how
- everything from wages down to the ways in which we walk are coded toward gender,
- and I hated it. I didn't fit this masculine role into which I was born, and
- there was little to nothing I could do about it.
- Gayle Rubin describes gender as the aggregation of "chromosomal sex, hormonal
- exposure, internal reproductive organs, external genitalia and psychological
- identifications." Needless to say, there's a lot bound up in the topic, and a
- whole lot of it made me feel awful. I spent most of 2012 doing my level best to
- reject gender in its entirety. I denied my masculinity as I strived for
- neutrality and, while I gained quite a bit of insight, I gained little ground in
- terms of tackling my own problems with my identity.
- It's only recently that I've decided to come at this problem of identity and
- personal friction in an explicit and deliberate fashion. There are things in my
- life that make me feel bad - just as there are for everyone - and I've found
- that it's my job, more than anyone else's, to fix the things in my life that
- cause me pain. Identity, after all, is that which we feel about ourselves when
- under duress.
- What this boils down to, really, is that I'm more than just uncomfortable in a
- masculine role, it causes me intense psychological distress, and so I'm working
- to fix that.
- I've found ways to soothe this friction, however, and, as I mentioned, I'm
- deliberately pursuing these fronts. I can do little things, like dress in a
- less masculine fashion, walk with less swagger, and, to get down to the point,
- change my name away from something so decidedly masculine. I'm working on
- changing my name from Matthew Joseph Scott to Madison Jesse Scott-Clary. It's a
- way to mitigate this distress, and it's working well from my point of view. I'm
- finally being proactive about self-actualization rather than waiting for it to
- come from the outside, and it's doing me wonders.
- I waffle quite a bit on whether or not to adopt the label transgender for
- myself, but in a lot of ways, it really fits. 'Transgender' is an umbrella term
- that encompasses most all of gender variance in the human population, and
- literally just means not identifying with the culturally defined gender roles or
- categories of male or female as it pertains to one's sex assigned at birth.
- Going back to Rubin's definition of gender, it is my psychological
- identification that is not in line with my biological sex. I don't really feel
- "more like a woman than a man", so much as I feel decidedly ungendered. Gender
- itself is non-binary - there isn't simply an either-or, or a line between two
- extremes, but a whole realm of experience that exists, unique to each person as
- an individual.
- As far as definitions go, this makes me more "genderqueer" or "genderfluid",
- rather than simply "transgender". However, given my tendency to shy away from
- masculinity, I think it is safe to say that, although I will aways be a
- man-shape (there's no changing my height, natch), I will be a lot less
- masculine, and thus to all appearances by society at large more feminine, than I
- have been in the past. So while transgender works, I generally describe myself
- as agender or genderqueer, and use gender-neutral pronouns such as
- "they/them/theirs" to refer to myself.
- Big picture, what does this mean?
- I've already brought up the name change, and as yet, that's one in a set of very
- small changes that make up my attempts to alleviate this particular type of
- distress. It's these little things - changing my name, growing my hair out,
- carefully choosing the clothing that I purchase - that I've adopted so far as
- deliberate attempts to make myself feel better
- I am, however, still me. There is nothing above the surface level that is
- changing. This has always been me, and will always be me, and there's certainly
- no changing that. Little things such as changing my name are ways in which I
- can better align that sense of self with the ways in which the world perceives
- me.
- These changes allow me to live in a way that makes me content. I've been
- searching for a long time for the supposed happiness that comes with being a
- grown-up, and, like most everyone, decided it's bogus. However, there really is
- something to be said for realizing oneself in a way that provides the utmost
- self-fulfillment that oneself can provide. What it comes down to is that I feel
- good here. I feel better than I have in a long, long time, and I think that my
- actions speak for themselves: this is who I am.
- What does this mean for you?
- Dad, I really appreciate all that you've done for me. I owe so much more to you
- than I could ever put into words. So much of the things we did while I was
- growing up proved formative to who I am today, and there's no expressing the
- gratitude that I feel for that. You've given me so much that there's no amount
- I could give back to repay that.
- I understand that the changes that I am making for myself, now that I'm nearing
- 30, vary in size from minuscule to enormous. I understand that I am changing
- some pretty integral parts of myself, some of which you had a say in yourself,
- such as my name.
- What it comes down to is that I'm writing to seek your acceptance. It needn't
- be immediate (I'm telling you this in a letter for a reason, take all the time
- you need in responding), and it needn't necessarily be wholehearted. However,
- this is the path that I'm heading down, dad, and I'm determined to do so.
- There's years and years and years of thought and emotion bound up inside of
- these steps I'm taking, and I want you to be aware of them, and, if it's alright
- by you, for you to be a part of them.
- I know that our communication over the years has been rough in places, but lets
- have this be the opening to a conversation between us about each of us. I hope
- to hear back from you soon.
- I wish you all the best in work and in life.
- Always yours,
- Madison Scott-Clary
- Some resources:
- [0] A good explanation of neutrois/agender/genderqueer:
- > Take everything that you associate with masculinity and put it into a
- > metaphorical yard. Then do the same thing with everything feminine, putting
- > all of that into an adjacent yard. Then, build a low stone wall (not a fence)
- > between them, and put atop this wall everything that you can associate with
- > both genders. Then, imagine that I walked down that wall, picked up a lot of
- > the attributes from that center place, and then the parts from both of the
- > yards that most appealed to me.
- [1] A good set of pages on the subject of transgender issues and gender variance
- as a whole: http://transwhat.org/
- [2] A well-written video on non-binary gender, sexuality, and presentation:
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibAGYQtk3r4
- [3] A friend, who is going through similar changes in their life, wrote a really
- good analogy on binaries and identities:
- https://medium.com/@indilatrani/early-birds-and-night-owls-afc59712b0b8
Advertisement
Add Comment
Please, Sign In to add comment
Advertisement