Line 5

	>I take it

	I don't want to advocate purple prose, but this is a fairly prime example of "show, don't tell". If I were you, I'd focus on Hisao's body language right here, showing how he's eager or nervous or whatever he's feeling

	Also, I think that Hisao should make the observations about her before he interacts with her. That's just the natural way to do things in real life, and should be presented that way in prose as well

Between Lines 7 and 9

	A simple transition here saying how Hisao moves onto the next girl -or how she approaches him or catches his attention- would be much appreciated. It doesn't have to be any more than one sentence to be honest

Line 13

	>todays

	should be today's

	Also, I think it's more appealing to have a sentence structured as follows "Sentence 1," Speaker says. "Sentence 2. Sentence 3." rather than "Sentence 1. Sentence 2," Speaker says. "Sentence 3." It makes the reader clear sooner rather than later and just kinda flows better.

Line 19

	>Her friends are all fairly interesting.

	With that kind of bland language, you wouldn't think so. Say that they all have their little quirks and stories or something that displays Hisao's interest in the subject matter

	>Maybe Takashi doesn't embrace change?

	This is the part where I get really nitpicky, because I know that this is fine the way it is, but I would have handled it differently. The observation is there and the grammar is fine and it's a fairly organic thought, but it seems overly so, to the point where it sounds weird on paper. Something like "I get the feeling that Takashi just doesn't embrace change very well." is what I'm thinking of, even if it is more wordy. Feel free to ignore this comment, but I wanted to get it out there.

Lines 23-29

	This is a Molly route, no? Keep to your own canon. I haven't read any Suzu route, but Anon said once that there's a thing with Lezard crushing on Suzu or something, and I dislike shoutouts like this for a variety of reasons. So unless it's going to be relevant to the story -YOUR STORY- in some way, I don't think it belongs. Okay, Lezard might be part of the group of friends, but if his absence is just a way to make the scene heads in the direction that you want it to, the details aren't necessary.

Line 41

	>so it catches me slightly off guard

	The reaction should come as soon as possible following whatever caused it. Of course, that would break the flow at the end since you just halved a compound sentence, so you'd still have to do some tweaking

Line 55

	>tone twice in the same paragraph

	Maybe it's a DEEP thing where tone is a double meaning with music, but I don't think sacrificing the prose is necessary to pull that off

Line 63

	The pronoun usage here really threw me off. Her, she, her. Really now

The last couple paragraphs

	It wasn't really made clear what the group was doing. The story says that the group cleaned up their notes, and makes no mention of going back to class besides the sudden setting switch to the hallway where they see Misha. It then says that the group reaches the classroom despite failing to mention if they were already en route, but the conversation gives the impression that if they were going to the class, they must have stopped to chat. I'm not really sure how else to qualify this complaint than what I just said, so let's just use the blanket statement that it needs a bit more clarification on the motion and location of the group.


THAT BEING SAID, the prose is VERY solid, not being too wordy or redundant, and actually pleasant to read in some cases, even though I don't have any emotional connection to the text. I think that's an accomplishment. Final concern is the "music is the best therapy *sniff*" thing. The way I see it, this could very easily lead into Sympathy Sue territory with a TRAGIC BACKSTORY BAWW, and that's something you should avoid.

Still, 's cool.