ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT. IF ANYBODY COULD BE READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL, NOBODY WOULD WATCH FOOTBALL. FOOTBALL IS A MURDERER AND IT DOESN'T JUST KILL YOU. THESE SICK MEN ARE HERE TO DIE AND THEY WILL DIE TONIGHT. ITS ALWAYS MONDAY NIGHT SOMEWHERE, BABY. WELCOME...TO FOOTBALL
I'M A SIX FOOT SIX INCH, TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY POUND, GUN TOTING, REPUBLICAN VOTING AMERICAN MAN, WITH FOUR PERCENT BODY FAT, AND TWO SONS, BOTH OF WHOM ARE ALREADY LARGER THAN I AM. I'M HERE TO GRILL STEAKS AND LOVE FOOTBALL, AND I'M ALL OUT OF STEAKS THANKS TO MY CHILDREN AND I COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD BOTH OF THEM AND TO LOVE FOOTBALL. GOD MADE FOOTBALL, JESUS PLAYED FOOTBALL, AND EVERYBODY LOVES FOOTBALL. I LOVE FOOTBALL, YOU LOVE FOOTBALL, KIDS LOVE FOOTBALL, AND FOOTBALL LOVES FOOTBALL. FOOTBALL IS AS AMERICAN AS AIR CONDITIONING, COOL RANCH DORITOS, AN ICE COLD SIX PACK OF BUDWEISER, A ROCK HARD SIX PACK OF ABS, ABOVE-GROUND SWIMMING POOLS, CRAFTSMAN TOOLS, AND DYNAMITE. FOOTBALL IS AS AMERICAN AS A SON WHO DOES NOT WANT TO PLAY BASEBALL. YOU CAN'T TEACH SOMEONE HOW TO PLAY FOOTBALL. MY DADDY THREW BOULDERS AT ME AND I WENT TO BED WITH BRUISES. WELL, NOW DADDY'S DEAD, AND I MAKE MY OWN BRUISES.
THE RULES OF FOOTBALL ARE ABSOLUTELY SIMPLE. YOU THROW THAT PIGSKIN LIKE IT WAS ON FIRE. THROW IT LIKE YOU'RE A CARDIAC SURGEON PERFORMING A LONG-DISTANCE HEARTECTOMY ON THE POOR JERK THINKING HE'S GONNA CATCH IT. I DON'T CARE IF HE'S ON YOUR TEAM! YOU NEED TO KILL HIM. NOBODY GOES HOME OUTSIDE OF A BODY BAG EXCEPT YOU, OR YOU ARE NOT A CHAMPION. THROW THAT FOOTBALL LIKE YOU HATE IT, THROW THAT FOOTBALL LIKE YOU HATE WHOEVER'S JOB IT IS TO CATCH IT. IF HE DIES TRYING TO CATCH IT, HE'S NOT AS GOOD AT HIS JOB AS YOU ARE AT YOURS.
KICK THAT FOOTBALL LIKE YOU'RE FLUSHING COCAINE DOWN THE TOILET, GET THAT GARBAGE AWAY FROM YOURSELF! MAKE THAT FOOTBALL SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM. AND WHEN IT IS SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM,YOU LOOK AT THEM, AND YOU SEE BLOOD. CARNIVORES PLAY FOOTBALL! UNTIL EVERY CARNIVORE DIES. THIS TWISTED PLATOON OF CONCUSSED DEATHWISHERS ARE ABOUT TO STAMP THE FIELD, AND DANCE APOPLECTIC, AS THEY ENTERTAIN YOU
WHILE THEY SUSTAIN
BUH-RAIN
DAMAGE
BY THE END OF FOUR TENSE QUARTERS, THAT PIG CARCASS WILL BE STICKY WITH THE RED DESPERATION-GRAVY OF GOOD-FEARING HEATHENS. ANY GIVEN SUNDAY THEY HUNKER DOWN UNTO THE LINE OF SCREAMAGE, AND SLAP THAT PIG SKIN, AGAIN, AND AGAIN WITH GRAVY-WET HANDS, AND THROW THAT BOULDER AT THEIR LONG-TIME COLLEAGUES, AND YELL OUT THEIR KILLER INSTINCTS. NOBODY KNOWS WHERE FOOTBALL CAME FROM AND NOBODY KNOWS WHO INVENTED FOOTBALL, FOOTBALL'S WIKIPEDIA PAGE IS FIGURATIVELY, A STUB. FOOTBALL DIDN'T COME FROM ANYWHERE, AND FOOTBALL IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE. IMAGINE IF YOU WILL, AN UGLY MOTORCYCLE. OR, IS IT JUST A BRAND NEW JOHN DEERE TRACTOR THE SIZE OF A YELLOW SCHOOL BUS?
WHATEVER IT IS IT'S THIRSTY, AND GASOLINE WON'T DO. IT WANTS BEER, AND BLOOD. THAT'S NOT A GAS TANK, THAT'S A WOOD CHIPPER! FEED IT DEAD PIGS AND HEAR IT YELL.
IF FOOTBALL WERE SOMETHING YOU SEE GAINING UP ON YOUR REAR-VIEW MIRROR AS YOU BARREL DOWN A HIGHWAY AT HIGH NOON ON SUNDAY IN YOUR FORD F-150 TRUCK, THIS WOULD BE IT. HEAVY ACTION, LOUD ACTION, HOT ACTION, STICKY ACTION! ITS ALL HERE, ONLY ON FOOTBALL. I'LL DIE BEFORE I STOP LOVING FOOTBALL! I'LL BE FRANK WITH YOU TONIGHT, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LASER-REMOVE THE "I LOVE FOOTBALL" TATTOO OFF OF MY SOUL AFTER MY BONES ARE COLD IF YOU WANT TO TAKE MY LOVE OF FOOTBALL FROM FROM ME.
I LOVE FOOTBALL, GOD LOVES FOOTBALL, MY HORRIBLE CHILDREN LOVE FOOTBALL, AND IF YOU DON'T LOVE FOOTBALL, YOU'RE NOT AMERICAN, AND THAT IS WHY MY HOUSE HAS A FRONT DOOR. NOT SO YOU CAN COME IN AND "WATCH THE GAME", YOU'LL FIND NO SUCH GREGARIOUSNESS WITHIN THESE FOUR WALLS. JUST LIKE YOU'LL FIND NO GREGARIOUSNESS WHAT-SO-EVER WITHIN THE FOUR CORNERS OF A BRUTAL AND DEADLY GRIDIRON CONTEST. THE ONLY REASON MY HOUSE HAS A FRONT DOOR IS SO YOU CAN GET OUT WHEN YOU'VE COMMITTED THE MORTAL SIN OF NOT LOVING THE IRON, BLOOD, AND TEETH OF FOOTBALL. SOMETIMES I WONDER IF ITS MORE IMPORTANT THAT I LOVE FOOTBALL, OR THAT I HATE EVERYTHING THAT ISN'T FOOTBALL.
WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT, THAT THERE'S NOTHING QUITE SO SMOOTH AS ENJOYING FOOTBALL FROM THE FRONT SEAT OF YOUR AIR CONDITIONED FORD F-150 TRUCK.
FOOTBALL. BUILT FORD TOUGH.