A New Stream Approach

I haven't really gotten any thoughts out as of late, so i thought today was the day i expressed myself and updated everyone on my situation. As a ''semi-big'' streamer i feel as if, it's only right to do express myself in a pastebin or a video, because i have a big viewer base, counting on me to produce content, and to watch my streams on a daily basis. The only way i can make sure they all get the messages is through something like this.

I'll tackle this like a news article with the more serious stuff at the top and progressively less important stuff near the bottom although i do feel like all of this is somewhat important if you like my content or care for me as a person.

- Two days ago i had a Panic attack where i was sitting in a discord call with my friends, and i just randomly started getting very nauseous and dizzy. I think it was an overall mix of dehydration and stress, and i'll get more into later why I've felt stressed. But it wasn't a nice experience, i rarely get ill or feel bad physically, so it was a bit of a shock for me. Today i had another one, it was definitely more like an uneasy stomach attack more than anything, where i was having trouble calming down and i was hyperventilating a lot. I hope it doesn't continue, so i will take it a bit easy for now. I haven't slept all night as of writing this, but it's due to the fact that i have people coming over to fix something in my house at 10 AM. So the sleep isn't in regards to the panic attacks.

- As of recent i have been in a big dilemma with streaming. I have taken streaming to full time level, even though my subscriber count or my income in the streaming world isn't really enough so sustain myself when i move out. So i never complain about losing viewers or subs, because i know when i swap specific games, i know i will lose those things. But for some reason this time around i let it get to me a bit too much. I feel like when i played Jak i just kept growing, and my streams were only between 3-5 hours long daily, and when i streamed was kind of a toss up, i couldn't really get a schedule going. I feel like after i swapped to Sly i actually have been more enthusiastic about streaming at a specific time. I've kept the trend of streaming roughly 6 PM CEST every day, and my streams have generally been more in the range of 5-8 hours instead of 3-5. So i upped the hours of content, and i streamed more consistently. But even though i put more work into my stream after the swap to Sly, it was kind of all a waste. I've come to terms with the fact that half my viewer base do enjoy me for who i am, in which i am very thankful, it's better than no one liking me. But the other half only cares about a specific game, usually it's Jak or Ratchet. - And i have known this for a really really long time, that certain people only watch certain things. But i can't expect to reach my sub goals if the only way i grow is through playing a game I've been playing on and off for 5 years. I'm really burnt out on the Jak games, and they just don't have great speedrun categories to me anymore.

I've come to terms with the fact that i am an introvert by nature. It really haunts me that if i was just a lot more extroverted, and didn't care about or take pride/value in having top tier times in any of my speedgames, i would have been a lot further on twitch, and i probably would have been able to reach my subscriber goals and grow my channel a lot more. Fake or not, being entertaining and reacting to crazy things happening on stream is VERY draining for me, and most of the time i just feel like shit that i can't be that person who has a crazy reaction to things a lot of the time.

This obviously means i'm not happy with myself, but it also means i don't enjoy streaming on those terms. I've been wanting my stream to have a bigger approach towards the quality of the gameplay and people just generally appreciating the work i put in rather than my personality or the specific game i play. That's the dream of course, it probably won't happen, but i want to tell you all, that that is what i really care about. If you guys watch me for my progression as a runner, and my capabilities as a human to push a game as low as i can. I might be asking for a lot, and i don't expect to people all of the sudden watch me for my skill at games after this pastebin, but i just wanted to express that i just want to be myself on stream more, i want to play what i want to play and not have requesting speedruns up the ass from users who have never supported the channel in any way shape or form.

This brings me to my next topic, and that's about getting a job. You guys wanna know something? That 330 sub goal i made to be ''Full-time?'' Well, to be honest with you, this apartment is very cheap, and with the little help we get from the government and the tiny bit i make a month is actually enough to pay the bills. But realistically i set that goal for myself because that was a number i wanted to keep, so that i could one day move out and start a life and maybe work or study something again if the interest ever sparked again. I've always said, ''Oh if i don't hit the goal i will just get a job.'' But in reality this was just something i was saying so people wouldn't ask further questions about my life situation, i just wanted to delay/avoid the questions. To be quite honest, i am very afraid of the working world, i feel very underdeveloped, having sat in my room playing video games for most of my life, and most importantly, why should i actually get a job? I live very here and now, i don't look too far ahead in my life, so that whole starting a life and getting enough money to move out - so on, a long long long away thought i have had. I'm used to living in a low/middle class environment, so not getting a job will maybe be for the best? I feel as if society has kind of found it's way into my brain and has told me that i have to get a job, because that's what everyone else does. It's just kind of how I've been taught as a kid, that's how i should live. And in fact, in Denmark it's how pretty much everyone lives. No one really lives alternatively here. I've never really felt ''home'' in Denmark to be honest with you. I'm quite the opposite of what is known as ''Janteloven'' (look it up it's important.) I actively express my opinions and i do prove that i am better than other people at my skills, and if society gives me the middle finger for doing so, i don't think i belong here anyway.

- One thing i am very proud of, and that's the fact that I've literally had 0 insecurity issues about being bisexual, and being in a gay relationship. It all just felt very natural, and that is at least something i am thankful for in this country. People are very accepting of LGBT. I really am not the type of person to make big announcements regarding my personal life, so i won't speak about this too much, but this has been a very positive change to me as of recent for sure.

Last but not least the streams, WHAT WILL CHANGE?:
I will try to focus more on my play, which involves me being more quiet during each level.
I will try and save real talk and whatnot for after the runs or during practice or basically things that aren't runs.
Might decide to turn off the webcam or the microphone half way through the run if i feel like it's necessary for the run to continue.
Might change my alerts to something less distracting(?)
New Emotes coming soon hopefully, ever since the new emote tier.
Will try and create a schedule when i am sure i a feeling well, and no more panic attacks are occurring.

Besides that everything will be just like normal - Thanks to everyone that's willing to put up with the changes. I feel like it's important for my happiness, you guys have helped me a lot, even though it seems like i am complaining quite a bit in this bin. I am willing to sacrifice subscribers and wealth over my happiness, but as always i am very thankful for everyone who has been very welcoming in the last 3 months of my return. :>

Kind of don't like TL;DR's but i struggle with reading myself so here's one
- Had two panic attacks recently, i hope they don't continue.
- Kind of a shame my stream is losing viewership, despite me putting in more effort, (more stream hours, more consistent schedule)
- I feel as if society is forcing me to get a job which i don't really need or want.
- I feel confident and not looked down upon about being in a gay relationship, very positive change on my life.
- Stream changes, you can read it at the bottom. Not too long.

Thanks all. - Ricky