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  1. Confessions of a Serial Party Killer, Ch 1: Snitches Get Stitches
  2. Okay so my DM finally persuaded me to start playing good characters again after a string of killing other party members in two campaigns. Figured I might tell a few of the stories from my perspective to show I'm really not such a bad guy, just a neutral one.
  3.  
  4. Pathfinder Kingmaker time, I've been wanting to play the module forever, after an epic PF RotR campaign wraps, DM says we're doing this.
  5.  
  6. Unfortunately one of our players tried to run Kingmaker for his own group, so knows the AP.
  7.  
  8. That's fine, our DM is a lot more comfortable now doing homebrew. Fuck it, original plot, original world, all sorts of 3.5 rules and monstrous races on the table.
  9.  
  10. We have months to prepare for this game, and I go all-out on creating my future king.
  11.  
  12. Personal backstory ties him to four of the most powerful countries on the continent.
  13.  
  14. Known lineage makes him #3 successor to the throne of main kingdom, secretly is the actual son of the dead king, current (8 year old king) probably actually incestuous product of queen and her brother(DM said my story sounded a lot like Game of Thrones so he kept going with that vein), so my character is arguably rightful king of the country if both facts were to come out.
  15.  
  16. SUPER-SECRETLY my character's mother, knowing she was going to be exiled for black magic, got "samples" from her husband and the king and created a super-specialized flesh golem/homonculus, my character, to come back after she was gone, avenge her against everybody who wronged her, and take over.
  17.  
  18. Yes, I'm playing an amalgam of Frankenstein's Monster, the Count of Monte Cristo and Arthur.
  19.  
  20. During months of prep, talk to all other players about shared background so we don't have to do "you meet in a Tavern" for founding a kingdom.
  21.  
  22. One character is working for the Fae and has made an alliance with mine.
  23.  
  24. One character's mother was a master assassin who served my character's mother, and it's a family honor thing that his character does so for mine.
  25.  
  26. One player is playing Bardic Saul Goodman, my character knows he'll need a lawyer, his character understands my character has a lot of potential to accrue him money and power, also has a side business with the assassin.
  27.  
  28. Everybody has reasons to work together.
  29.  
  30. Oh wait, no, the other player doesn't want to do shared backstory. Or make a character ahead of time. Or discuss roles in the Kingmaker system. Wants me to stop pressuring him, he'll have a character for when we start.
  31.  
  32. Okay sure, I'll work around him.
  33.  
  34. As we approach the start of the game, DM starts introducing history to us and the area we're going to be Kingmaking in.
  35.  
  36. Turns out there was a giant undead war 300 years ago and a whole area got quarantined, no go except for order of clerics and paladins known as Shieldmaidens, who exterminate undead.
  37.  
  38. This was known as the Great Simulacrum War.
  39.  
  40. Simulacrum.
  41.  
  42. Frankenstein.
  43.  
  44. Uh oh.
  45.  
  46. So the game starts, we get a warrant to go explore the area to see whether it can be opened up, but we're not really officially supposed to be there. If we get busted, the government will deny involvement and we will be jailed or executed.
  47.  
  48. We get issued a druid(the other player) as our guide because the DM has to attach him to our party somehow.
  49.  
  50. Out in the wilderness for a few weeks. Then we see a campfire.
  51.  
  52. Ninja wants to check campfire, my character assumes it's Shieldmaidens, but lets ninja go check anyway because he hasn't gotten to do much lately.
  53.  
  54. Ninja gets lost. We wait 20 minutes. My character sends the guy who actually knows woodcraft to go find his loyal vassal.
  55.  
  56. Druid fails utterly at stealth.
  57.  
  58. Yep, it's Shieldmaidens, and we're busted.
  59.  
  60. bettercallsaul
  61.  
  62. Bard explains to Shieldmaidens about how we're traders who were near the border and got attacked by bandits and totally lost. Is horrified to realize we've apparently drifted into the quarantine zone and begs for an escort back to safe territory.
  63.  
  64. This is what we pay him for. Shieldmaidens protect us, we camp with them for the night.
  65.  
  66. Bandits actually DO attack during the night. Druid makes honest effort to help shieldmaidens. My character, the Fae and the ninja all seem to be trying to help but somehow failing to be very effective. All Shieldmaidens killed. Bandits turn on us, we route them and force prisoners to help us map the area.
  67.  
  68. Eventually explore to far side of the Forbidden Zone. Go into a castle, meet an undead necromancer and have a nice conversation with him.
  69.  
  70. Guy hasn't had anybody but skeletons to talk to in 300 years and my character is branching out into wizardry anyway. Make a deal to trade him if we ever run across onyx(which is contraband) in return for rare magical stuff.
  71.  
  72. Since his castle is in a salt mine, I grab a bag of salt while I'm there, 10 years ago in another game I used a bag of salt to blind somebody, if I see it laying around, I always take some.
  73.  
  74. Things not the same with Druid since Shieldmaiden capture. Always been a little quiet and leery of us, now seems moreso, but still cooperative and helpful. Didn't seem to like the necromancer much. Might just be a weird druid, I don't judge him by his religion.
  75.  
  76. Get busted by Shieldmaidens a few miles away from necromancer's castle, near the river which marks this side of the Forbidden Zone
  77.  
  78. bettercallsaul
  79.  
  80. Turns out we're traders along the river and our boat crashed on the forbidden zone side. We sought refuge in the castle to regroup, but turns out there's a necromancer there and some nasty monsters, we lost Pete and Jamie, why don't the Shieldmaidens go do something about that instead of harassing us?
  81.  
  82. Shieldmaidens believe us, but not willing to go into castle or let us go about our way. They will escort us to their encampment. This is not an offer, this is happening.
  83.  
  84. Their leader shows immediate dislike and distrust toward me.
  85.  
  86. Simulacrum. Uh oh.
  87.  
  88. We can't make it back to their encampment without camping for the night.
  89.  
  90. Time to get serious. Use bard and ninja to try to get Shieldmaidens drunk and reinforce our story.
  91.  
  92. Shieldmaidens don't all get drunk and still keep watches.
  93.  
  94. Decide to go with it for now and wait for an opportunity.
  95.  
  96. Druid waits until everyone is asleep and then wanders over to talk to Shieldmaidens.
  97.  
  98. Starts repeating our story to them for no reason. His bluff mod is -2. This is bad.
  99.  
  100. Shieldmaiden leader starts probing him about my character, Druid does little to dissuade him from any suspicious, and is actually quite receptive to cautions that my character is dangerous and should not be trusted.
  101.  
  102. My character is dangerous indeed. My character also does not sleep, he just lays down in his tent quietly for hours at a time. So he hears this whole conversation.
  103.  
  104. Eventually commander goes to sleep, one of two awake guards is actually tipsy and starts nodding off when the other goes to answer the call of nature.
  105.  
  106. This is our chance.
  107.  
  108. My character wakes up everyone quietly, we get to the edge of the encampment to get the Druid(who sleeps in a tree) and tell him we're going.
  109.  
  110. Fae expresses opinion that we should just kill Shieldmaidens in their sleep. My character says no, gets no-vote from Bard, looks to Druid as obvious third no-vote.
  111.  
  112. Druid's response is to scream an alarm that undead are attacking.
  113.  
  114. No undead show up, but now we're all standing at the edge of the encampment and the Shieldmaidens are awake and coming to take us back into custody.
  115.  
  116. Fine, fuck it, we're doing this the Fae's way because we're not gonna get another chance like the one the Druid just blew.
  117.  
  118. Kill all Shieldmaidens.
  119.  
  120. Druid casts no spells.
  121.  
  122. Every one of Druid's arrows fails to hit its target.
  123.  
  124. Suspicious.
  125.  
  126. Start heading back home.
  127.  
  128. Caught again by MORE Shieldmaidens who turn out to be the scouting force for the main army we were being brought to meet.
  129.  
  130. No time for bullshit, kill the Shieldmaidens.
  131.  
  132. When my character kills their leader his eyes suddenly start glowing.
  133.  
  134. Roll spellcraft - get a 2 on the die, I have no idea what that is.
  135.  
  136. Fuck it, not taking chances. Magic eyes could be broadcasting or recording my image.
  137.  
  138. Decapitate corpse, look for first available container.
  139.  
  140. Bag of salt still on my waist.
  141.  
  142. Put paladin's decapitated head in bag of salt.
  143.  
  144. thatsfuckedupman
  145.  
  146. Start back toward homeland again. Few more incidents, nothing of note.
  147.  
  148. Druid cooperative in pathfinding and battles against animals, but otherwise very quiet.
  149.  
  150. Tell ninja and fae to start observing him closely.
  151.  
  152. Druid keeps trying to take last watch. Fae and ninja take turns giving reasons why they'd rather have it instead. Two days out from the border, very easy to tell which way is which now. Ask Druid if, after we resupply, he thinks we should explore northern or southern expanse next.
  153.  
  154. Druid says we can discuss it after we get back to town.
  155.  
  156. Confer with ninja and fae. Vote is unanimous. He's going to tell and we're all going to be executed.
  157.  
  158. Wait until after his watch when he's asleep.
  159.  
  160. Give ninja the order.
  161.  
  162. Coup de grace with a wakizashi and surprise attack damage
  163.  
  164. Instant dead druid
  165.  
  166. The blood is still on my hands.
  167.  
  168. Saul wakes up the next day, asks where the Druid is, we tell him.
  169.  
  170. He asks us if we disposed of the body properly, we assure him we did.
  171.  
  172. Saul says "Good," and goes back to bed for a few hours.
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