Anon In Equestria - Chapter 7 'Nerds Are Dumb'

>Tap tap tap
>No, you are not dealing with this shit this morning.
>Tap tap tap
>Maybe if you try really hard to become one with the mattress, the noise will stop.
>Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap
Fine!
>You sit up in your bed, your blanket slides off your bare chest. You make sure it doesn’t slide off anything else.
>You chose not to sleep in wet clothes like any sane person.
>A cyan Pegasus is floating outside your window with an upset look on her face.
>Holding your blanket around your waist, you slowly get off the bed and open the window.
Whaaaaaaaaat?
>”Applejack has been waiting outside for an hour and you’re just going to ignore her?!”
Yeah.
>She shot you a painful look. Like, it physically hurt.
Ugh, tell her I’ll be out in 15 minutes.
>It wasn’t good enough but you close the window before she can say anything.
>Day 6 in Equestria. Second day in a row you were awakened too early by a Pony.
>You go downstairs, blanket still around your waist, and check your clothes near the window.
>A little dryer. Not cleaner.
>You let out a deep sigh. Your only set of clothes are fucked right now.
>You put them on agonizingly slow. This is going to be a miserable day.
>You then proceed with your morning rituals.
>Teeth, hair, unpleasantries, the works.
>You finish off with inspecting your ‘wounds’ from last night.
>Your nose, thankfully, was not broken. It did have a cut across the bridge and minor swelling.
>The injury on your cheek was nothing more than a red mark. It was nearly gone before you fell asleep last night.
>Ready to go, sort of. You make your way to your front door.
>You can hear Rainbow Dash and Applejack discussing something in hushed tones out front.
>It’s muffled, you can only hear a few choice such as; Night, Weather, Cloud, Apple.
>Maybe it was fate, maybe it was luck, but some sort of higher power wanted you to hear those words.
>You’re not stupid, you do the math.
>Word math.
>You might be stupid.
>You open the door. Both Rainbow Dash and Applejack jump a little.
Rainbow Dash, did you have anything to do with last night’s rain?
>No subtlety allowed.
>They both have the classic, ‘We’re fucked!’ expression on their faces.
>”Uh, yeah! Applejack… Applejack… Um. Help me out here.”
>”Ah needed rain fer…”
>”Apples! The trees were dry and they needed water. Applejack asked me to bring over a few rain clouds last night so I did. Heh.”
>These fucking ponies were so bad at lying.
>And you called that shit, Applejack did know about the rain.
>Suddenly Dash’s presence feels a lot less like a safety net. Speaking of…
Why are you here?
>You point at Rainbow Dash
>”Applejack said you needed protection, she wouldn’t tell me why but apparently it was super urgent.”
>You don’t buy it.
Fine, let’s get this over with. What did you want to talk about?
>”Ah was thinkin’ we go to Twi’s. If anyp0ny would know about it, she would.”
Really? I was expecting something a lot less sensible.
>”If ya want we could talk about this in-“
>You push past her.
Let’s go.
>And off to Twilight’s Library you went. Any conversation Rainbow Dash or Applejack attempted to start was ignored.
>You don’t distrust Rainbow Dash quite yet but you heard some shit that doesn’t sit well with you.
>You ignore the chatting, giggling, and the occasional shushing behind you. As long as they kept up with you, they could fucking clop themselves.
>You taste bile just at the thought.
>You focus your thoughts elsewhere.
>Like how the ground near Ponyville was dry, the storm only hit Sweet Apple Acres and the nearby areas.
>God damnit Rainbow Dash.
>The rest of the trip is filled with similar thoughts.
>You reach the Library in short time, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were both slightly out of breath.
>”Ya know, we can’ keep up with ya fer long with those long legs of yours.”
>You ignore her and knock on the Library door.
>”Alright, looks like my job here is done! I’ll catch you guys later!”
>”Thank ya kindly, Rainbow. Ah can’ tell ya how much Ah appreciate you not akin’ any questions.”
>So maybe Rainbow Dash didn’t know as much as you thought she did. Still…
>”Ehhh I’ll find out somehow. Right, Anon?” She gives you a playful wink. Not like the ones Applejack has been assaulting you with over the last few days.
>You give her a thumbs up, unsure they even know it means.
>Applejack doesn’t look happy.
>Rainbow Dash flies off as the Library door opens.
>Spike stands at the door, the obedient little dragon servant.
>”Anon! What up?” He holds his hand up for a high-five.
>THIS
>MOTHERFUCKER
>GETS IT
>You squat down and return that high-five.
>”Hehehe, I’ve been trying to get Twilight to do that but she doesn’t get it.”
Of course not! She isn’t cool enough.
>”Can we see Twi? We need ta see her, it’s important.”
>”Yeah, she’s in the back.” Spike opens the door all the way and gestures behind him. “She’s talking to Rarity right now. It would be great if you could stop that, I’d like to talk to Rarity sometime this year.” His face turns a light shade of red.
Dude, you crushin’ on Rarity? Right on, broth-Hey!
>Applejack pushed you inside. Rude!
>”C’mon, Ah want answers.”
You’re insane, sex-depraved, and bipolar. You don’t need Twilight to point it out for you.
>”Keep sweet talkin’ me an’ Ah’ll take ya right here. Don’ think Ah won’t.”
>You shut right the fuck up. Better to be safe than sorry.
>”What are you two talking about.” Right, Spike was still in the room.
Nothing.
>You make your way to a door on the left, you could hear Twilight and Rarity behind it.
>They were talking about dumb girl stuff or whatever so you don’t hesitate to barge your ass in there.
>You aren’t able to get a word out before Rarity rushed to you and started ranting about, surprise surprise, the state of your clothes.
>”Goodness, Darling what happened? You RUINED your only set of clothes and you continue to wear them?! I know you said Humans have a particular fondness of keeping covered but… THIS will not do!”
I didn’t have time to wash them last night or this morning.
>”Water and suds won’t remove these stains, it would be best if you disposed of them.”
I c-
>”Oh I know, dear. It’s just… tsk, stop by my boutique when you have the time. We’ll work something out.”
Rarity, you’ve already done so much for me. I don’t know how I could make it up to you.
>”Please, I’m just glad I could make your stay in Equestria a little less, erm, uncomfortable.”
>You sigh in defeat; generosity is hard to refuse when you’re in such a sorry state.
Thanks Rarity. Your help means a lot.
>It does. Rarity and Pinkie Pie have been making your stay in Ponyville a lot easier.
>Oh god, how could you forget Fluttershy? You take all this help for granted. You’re such a piece of shit.
>Rarity interrupts your momentary self-loathing, announcing her departure.
>Applejack closes the door behind her. You can hear Spike trying to start a conversation with her but Applejack’s glare stops your eavesdropping.
What?
>”Ah jus’ don’t want ta see Rarity actin’ the same as me around ya. She’s a nice girl, ya hear, so keep yer distance.”
>Haaaaa, she’s jealous.
>Twilight’s turn to speak, “Is there something I can help you two with?”
>”Yeah! Ah think Anon here is a Warlock.”
>Shit: gone
>You don’t resist against the coming tide of side-splitting laughter, it was the funniest fucking thing you have ever heard.
>Twilight tries to investigate further but your laughter is too loud for her to speak.
>Holy shit, your chest hurts.
>Oh god you’re floating. You laughed yourself to death.
>RIP Anon. Rest In Ponies.
>You fall on your ass. Oh Twilight was just doing floaty magic. You were still laughing but much less than before.
>You manage to speak through your laughter.
S-So how am I a Warlock?
>”Well it could be that other thing Ah said last night. Point bein’, Anon ain’t natural.
>”Hold on, why we don’t start from the beginning?”
>You let out a long sigh as Applejack starts talking. She doesn’t leave out a single detail.
>Especially when describing last night.  You can tell she was also turning herself on. Goddamnit.
>Twilight was nearly crimson when she finished.
>”So… It just sounds like Applejack took her task a little too seriously.”
>You and Applejack let out a confused, “What?” simultaneously.
>”Yeah! I know you wanted to help me out with my human research, Applejack. I never expected you to go this far. Do you at least have this all written down?”
>”Twi are… are you confused? Ah nearly raped Anon, last night!
>”Yes, I was listening. Just don’t be so rough next time. I’m sure he’ll gladly give you the answers you’re looking for if you approach the situation calmly.”
Fuck no, I won’t.
>”Twi, ya don’t get it. I tried ta have sex with Anon, for my own pleasure, without his consent!”
>”Wait, you weren’t doing this for me.”
>”Fer you? Of course not!”
>”Then why were you? That’s really weird, he is an Alien.”
>”Ah know it’s weird! That’s why Ah think there’s somethin’ wrong with him. He’s messin’ with my head.”
>”Hold on, why would you have sex with him for pleasure?”
>”Cuuuus, he ain’t no stallion. Ah was on him for minutes an-“
Can we please, please not discuss this?
>”I don’t need you here right now, Anon. I imagine Applejack has quite a bit of information to tell me.”
>You stand up to leave.
>”I’d like you to come by tomorrow, however. We need to figure this out.”
Fine, as long as you keep things strictly professional, and Applejack isn’t around, we can spend tomorrow looking into this. If we have time, we’ll… ugh, do the anatomy thing.”
>”Great! The sooner I get everything I need, the sooner I can publish those books.”
Books?
>”Yeah. I know lots of other Ponies would like to learn more about your race and I can’t think of any other way to get the knowledge to them!”
Oh, that’s actually a really good idea Twilight.
>She giggles and thanks you before shooing you away. They must really want to get back to talking about your dick.
>Applejack’s voice stops you at the door.
>”Hey, Anon.”
>You turn towards her.
>”Ah’ll see you later.” Her eyes had that look again. That smile, that fucking smile... And to top it all off, another one of those winks.
>You’re so fucked. You’re so fucking fucked.
>You have to restrain yourself from running out the door, instead you speedwalk.
>You just… You just need good company.
>She wouldn’t rape you around one of her friends.
>Except Twilight maybe.
>Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash sound like good shields against the oncoming onslaught of Applerape.
>Oh right, you were going to meet Rarity at her Boutique later today.
>Maybe you should do that now.
>Dear Anon. You’re really fucking hungry, go home and get something to eat. Love, your stomach.
>Your stomach is right, you’re really really hungry.
>You head towards your house, the walk is uneventful but…
>You can’t shake the feeling that someone is following you.