Regarding Luma

Regarding Luma/illuminisation/lumanize:

There's a lot of you that know about Luma. Some of you know her because I have been dating her (on and off) since November of 2018. Some of you know her because recently I have been tweeting things about her behavior towards me on my private, and in return have been hostile towards her. Some of you know her because I've vented in private about her because I was too afraid to be left alone. In any case, she has been a huge part of my life for better and for worse, but over the past two months (and honestly before then) things have been deteriorating between us, and I feel as though because of my actions a lot of you might have the wrong idea about her. I've painted a story that is inaccurate and is only harmful to her, and she has made that known to me constantly. I want to try and clear a few things up here because it's not okay for this narrative to stand and I don't want people thinking that she's an awful person. I also want to state that I am writing this on my own accord - she is not making me do this, rather she stated that she needs this AFTER the fact that I brought up the idea of it.

What I've Put Out Publicly vs. What Actually Happened

I've made a lot of since-deleted tweets about how I've been miserable because of her. Stuff like her being manipulative and abusive towards me, her trying to keep me from being around my friends, her making me feel like I'm not allowed to feel certain things, etc etc. I've also tweeted about how I've been ready to take my life back, how I've been set free, how I'm finally able to be me. I cannot say that these things are lies; rather these ideas stem from a part of me that, from my understanding, brings out the worst of me. I've been trying to understand how this works, but when I feel like I'm spiraling I disassociate and cling to some pseudo-reality and run with it. I'm aware of what's happening but I feel unable to stop it, and that's obviously a huge problem on my part and not at all an excuse for what I've done. I do not believe that the things I've said about her are what I really feel. I do not believe I can move forward in life without her because she's made me feel like my life has a purpose and a direction when I have never really felt that before. Why would I say someone like that is manipulative and abusive? I turn against myself very easily and I will create my own reality that paints me as a victim, whether it be that nobody would talk to me or that I would be easily replaced by anyone. That turned into me turning against her; I would scrutinize her for how she felt and tell her that she'd be better off without me and that she actually hated me, and it's made her resent me in a way. She's not comfortable sharing her emotions with me and is always afraid of how I will react. She was feeling insecure paranoid and asked me to stop interacting with Bexy on Twitter temporarily (not as a whole permanently, as I've painted to others), and I blew up on her and made her out to be manipulative of who I could talk to. Luma is not a manipulative person - she is very insecure and has always needed reassurance from me and I took that and turned it against her when she needed it most. But that's not the worst of what's happened because I subsequently told the world of these things too. I've painted her out to be something she's not and I've made people feel that she's horrible and is making my life miserable when that's exactly what I've done to her. Luma admitted today that she is in as low and as broken of a state right now because of what I've done to her and how I've made the world perceive her and I cannot apologize enough for my actions. This isn't how someone should treat the love of their life and it's downright embarrassing for me to admit this because I and many other just expect better from me. I've been manipulative and downright abusive and I've been terrified of facing this reality and showing it to everyone else but it's clear to me that I can't let things slide the way I have been. You all should hate me, not her.

A lot of you have told me to move on from her and to take care of myself, to which I say if I could I honestly would. She deserves better than me and both of us know that but both of us are not capable of letting go when we've relied on each other so much for well over a year. I've made so many friends recently but I still can't rely on them the way I do with her. She's kept me going when I've wanted to quit and it feels impossible to me to just cut that cord completely and move on. A few of you have criticized me for not letting go and I genuinely am sorry for how I feel because it makes me feel like I'm ignoring all of your advice when I'm not trying to; it's just not possible for me to follow through on it because I'm a horribly emotional person and I feel like I found the one person that I can safely say is the love of my life. Moving forward though I'm not sure where to go or what to do. I don't feel I can be with Luma because of how I've treated her and how I've brought her to the lowest point of her life, but I don't feel capable of being without her and have already been unstable mentally for months. It's on me to figure out what should happen with my life, but right now I genuinely do not know what to do. I just wish her the best and hope that she can get out of this funk and live the life she deserves to live.

I'm so sorry for painting this picture of Luma being a manipulative partner to me. I'm sorry for not telling the full truth about what's been happening. I've been far more horrible to her than anything I've ever said about her, and I deserve the worst for this. Going forward I promise I'm not going to make public tweets about her after this, and I've already privatized my personal account (@CausterPrivate) so any tweets I make there will directly be to a very small audience. I thank the people that have been with me through this but I fully expect you all to be angry with me and to distance yourself from me, which I will accept without appeal if needed. I'm going to work on becoming a better person, but I'm going to stop terrorizing Luma the way I have been for months now. If there's anyone that still thinks that she has always been the problem after this, then I'm sorry I can't change your mind but you're just wrong. I'm free to answer any questions on Discord (Causter#4375)or Twitter, but I feel like this is all I am able to say for the time being.

-William "Causter" Lasater