SOMETHING ABOUT TELEKINESIS I GUESS

>”FUCKING STOP IT!”
>that, of course, was you
>chasing after your pastel yellow unicorn fluffy, Enzo
>you tried to train him to speak in a ridiculous Italian accent, but that went out the window after the ravioli incident
>after that whole debacle, you decided that he would be great for an assistant of some sort
>kind of like a telekinetic dog, able to you bring you newspapers
>even though you don’t read newspapers
>oh fuck it, you thought it would just be a good time sink
>couldn’t hurt his self-esteem, either
>as a general rule of thumb, fluffy unicorns can’t use magic very well
>or at all, for that matter
>but there are some things that can be done to enhance their abilities to use magic
>some of them involve constant drugging and hypnosis, which you didn’t have the time, money, or “give-a-shit” factor to try out
>other options involve shaving down the horn just a tiny bit
>this, of course, went along with months of constant training, which the average fluffy won’t live long enough to see
>so, you ended up deciding to do a bit of home schooling
>and that was a pretty big mistake

>”Look, just focus, okay?”
>”Fwuffy twyin’!”
>Enzo holds his breath and strains
>”No! Take it easy, or else you’ll…never mind. Try it again.”
>you’ve laid out several diagrams, pictures, and books
>it’s not like he can’t read any of them, anyway
>”Just look at this one. You see what he’s doing in this picture?”
>you point to a fluffy pony doing a simple spark-shooting trick
>you’ve seen it a million times on that stupid Fluff TV channel or in the park
>it’s essentially the “roll over” of fluffy ponies, in that it’s not too hard to learn or teach
>Enzo can’t seem to nail it though
>”Buh how?”
>”Look, you see how he has his feet? Kinda spread out by about three or four inches?”
>Enzo cocks his head at you
>you rub your temples
>”Just stand funny.”
>”Wike dis?!”
>Enzo proceeds to throw his front feet up and land on his chest
>he starts giggling hysterically
>fluffy humor isn’t exactly an art
>you sigh
>”No, not really. Here.”
>you heave him up and position his feet
>”Good. There. Now, make sure you don’t go sliding around. Stay still. Veeeeeerrrrrry still.”
>Enzo gets as stiff as a statue
>seriously, he’s like one of those hypnotized chickens you read about
>they go completely catatonic for about half an hour
>well, that’s new
>you give him a little poke, and he sort of wobbles like a porcelain doll
>moving on, you take another look at the various manuals
>”The following instructions are intended for the owner of the fluffy pony.”
>you keep reading
>”Now that your fluffy has entered the Hypno-Trance!™ state, please give it a flick on the horn. Be sure not to flick too hard! You may damage both yourself and/or the fluffy pony! Flicking the fluffy pony’s horn will cause the Hypno-Trance!™ seal to break, resulting in the new-found ability to use magic! For refunds and other…okay.”
>you give him a little flick on the horn
>this, of course, is his cue to screech “NUMMIES” and flail about
>”Ow, Christ!”
>”Sowwy, daddeh, sowwy! Fwuffy sowwy faw scawy nummies!”
>you take another look at the manual
>”WARNING: Breaking the Hypno-Trance!™ seal may cause the fluffy pony to do one or more of the following: shout, scream, shake uncontrollably, become temporarily hyperactive, lose control of bowels, suffer severe damage to central nervous system, spontaneously combust, explode, or die.”
>Enzo scrunches up his nose and looks at you, baffled
>”Wah ‘centroh nervuh siddum’?”
>”It’s uh, nothing. Don’t…don’t worry about that. How are you feeling?”
>”Fwuffy feew…funneh.”
>”Alright, well that might be a good sign. Try shooting some sparks.”
>you slide a picture of a fluffy doing just that over to Enzo
>”Fwend?”
>”Sure, he’s your friend. Do what he’s doing.”
>Enzo puffs his cheeks
>tightens his stance
>points his head down
>starts straining
>and proceeds to shit on your floor
>oh, and he sends a massive torrent of sparks from his horn and sets the picture ablaze
>”Oh, shit!”
>you run to the kitchen and grab a bucket from under the sink
>you fill it with water and douse your now scorched carpet
>”Fweeeeeeeeeeeend!”
>Enzo throws himself to the floor and starts crying
>”Hey, it’s alright. You-“
>you notice a yellowish glow from the corner of your eye
>you turn to see a vase flying directly at you
>you just barely duck under it
>”Fuck! What are you-“
>the doors to you prized china cabinet fly open as dozens of fragile dishes fly around the room
>”WHAT ARE YOU DOI-“
>and there go the extremely fragile and expensive unspecified items inherited from your great-great-great grandfather’s aunt
>”FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND!”
>Enzo hauls ass into the adjoining rooms
>you run into the kitchen and see him slamming his face into the dishwasher
>”Hold still, you little basta-“
>as you go to grab him, he vanishes
>”GODDAMN IT.”
>you see him re-appear just outside in the backyard
>he raises his head to the sky and screams something
>you’re guessing it was something along the lines of “fwend”
>motherfucking lightning bolts rain down from the sky
>”What the fuck!? This isn’t telekinesis, this is fucking unicorn magi-“
>oh no, what did you teach him
>”-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND”
>from the sounds of it, Enzo’s back in the house
>”you charge after him
>and you’re instantly greeting with a face full of spaghetti
>”FUCKING STOP IT!”
>you wipe the tomato sauce from your eyes and get a glimpse of Enzo
>his eyes are emitting light beams
>he opens his mouth, and light pours out of there, as well
>you hear a loud snap
>and just like that, he’s gone
>”Enzo? Enzooooooo?”
>you hear his voice
>but not around you, or behind you
>but in your mind
>”Hewwo, daddeh!”
>”Enzo? Where did you go?”
>dead silence for a few seconds
>”Sketties. Lots of sketties.”
>”Wait, what?”
>”Juss Enzo an’ sketties. Fuhevah.”
>Enzo has teleported to the Spaghetti Dimension
>”Oh. Well. Good luck with that, then. Have fun.”
>”Wuv yuu, daddeh! Bye-bye!”
>you look at your destroyed house
>shattered everything
>burnt floors
>the backyard is on fucking fire
>and you still need to clean up that pile of shit
>maybe you’ll get an earth fluffy next time