Thread 30: Stories 1-15

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>Chitania
"Tour Guide"
~~~~~

>...You guys can't be serious.

"Miss, we assure you, all of our information is checked, re-checked and double checked the re-checked."

>So, let me get this straight. Fawntaine industries checked it's facts, and those facts say to it "Chitania the giant monster was born when a changeling was raped by a dragon." This is what your information has given you.

"Doubley triply checked!"

>With who. Who could have possibly told you this information?

"Why, I'll have you know that this information was granted unto us by none other than Princess Luna herself! In exchange for a hefty donation, of course."

>...Princess Luna described to you a changeling being raped by a dragon, and that is why she can grow so large.

"Correct! She saw it in the beast's dreams. So, not to worry, unlike most Changelings this one has no pony within her, so we shouldn't feel too bad about, well... EEECCKKK!"

>... Noted.

"Miss? Would you mind stepping away from that board, it looks like it's splintering. We might need to get that examined. Damn Trotonto lumber!"

>Just can't trust some ponies, I guess...

"Do you smell fire?"

>Nope.

"Oh... just double checking! Hah!"

>Hah indeed... someone should have double checked something alright.

"What was that?"

>NOTHING!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"Chrysalis"
'Celestia'
[IR]
{CQ}
~???~
-???-
~~~~~

"HRMPH!"

>You have nobody to blame but yourself.

'And you, my fellow white pony, are brilliant. I want you to know that.'

[I actually must give credit, it was a clever idea.]

{He was smarter than you initially thought.}

[I am stallion enough to admit when I am wrong, he is decently intelligent.]

>Thanks?

"Well, this trick only works once!"

>I have fourteen more, it only needed to work the once.

{Indeed, now he has time to think up something else.}

[A useful technique. You should not have been fooled initially.]

"Everyone made it sound like "coupons for actions" were all sex related! How was I supposed to know he was actually going to cash in "Don't talk about sex"!?"

>You know, it only worked because of your drinking habit.

"I do not have a drinking habit!"

'Bull.'

"I'LL SHOW YOU-"

~Well, hooowdy, princess!~

'Applejack! Rarity! Oh, so good to see you, are you both enjoying your time here?'

~Ya'll better believe it. Lots o' stuff to do... and ya'll look like yer' havin' a good time, Ah'd say.~

'Oh, me? Well... let's just say it's been fun.'

She smirked, and couldn't help but lick her lips.

~Well, glad yer' smiling and on yer' hooves again, ya' needed a break.~

'This place certainly offers that, doesn't it?'

-Oh darling, it's simply divine!-

~Cept fer' the trainin' course.~

-And the fireworks.-

>What? I liked them.

~Don't ask... Oh hey! Yer' Pinkie's folks, ain't ya?~

[Pleasure to meet you.]

{Yes.}

~...Somethin' wrong?~

-You are staring rather intently at her.-

[We do not appreciate the law you passed.]

{Indeed, marriage is sacred. Your law is quite the perversion of it's vows.}

[We do not like it.]

{But for our daughter's sake, we will stay civil.}

~...Right, well, there were circumstances-~

[Excuses will make it worse.]

>...Uh, Chrysalis, are you alright?

"FAHAH... Fine! Totally fine!"

~Little freakin'...~

-Oh! Shining Armor, darling, Twilight is looking for you.-

>It's mutual, but this place is freaking huge! We're talking Celly after a cake binge huge.

'You get your moneys worth, I guess.'

~No denyin' that. Well, We'll leave ya' too it, kind of off on our own little search at the moment.~

-Indeed! If you see Spike, tell him we are looking?-

>Can do!

"Have fun, Applebutt! Don't worry, I'll never hold you passing that law against you!"

~...~

-And the grass igniting is a sign to go. Toodles!

~Goodbye...~

[...I do not like her.]

{For our daughter, husband.}

[Our daughter likes that stallion too, and I don't like him either.]

{Civility is strength.}

[I suppose.]

>...Seriously, Chrysalis, you okay?

"Yes. I am so okay, you would not even believe it. SOOOOO okayHAH!... Just okay."

>Right...

Further away, Rarity was thankful they handed out free water bottles.

-Really, you shouldn't let her get to you like that.-

~Mmm...~

-...is that a smile?-

~Tia's happy. Ain't seen that in... a while.~

-Well, at least something good came out of this.-

~Ah spose...~

-...Going to prank her later?-

~Like ya' would not BELIEVE! Ah' take it yer' in?~

-As if you need to ask! What are friends for?-
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>32
"Reggie"
'Q'
-Thorax-
~Flim~
#Flam#
@Spike@
&42&
%77%
[Twi]
{???}

"Okay, now is that black bar really necessary by this point? We already know that we don't know who that is!"

>'FOCUS!'

-*CHITTER*!-

"Yeesh, bite my head off why don't ya? I already got cut in half!"

@So, it's come to this, eh, 32? Always got to do things the hard way.@

>I'm on a fucking train that makes cider and has a gun that shoots rotten apples, the easy way took a long walk off a short pier a long time ago!

%Brother, surrender yourself! I promise we'll be lenient!%

&Yeah, suuuuure, after I cash in the rest of those headbutts I owe him!&

Spike aims Charity gangsta style at 32's head.

@Let's get this over with, alright? I gotta go feel sorry for myself with two goddesses trying to screw me.@

Spike suddenly finds himself looking down the barrel of the fruitalicious flak cannon (tm), Q grins.

'Mines bigger.'

Spike growls and dodges out of the way of an explosive piece of produce. Firing off a rapid six shots that impact Q in her face!

@Mine's better.@

'Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! QUIT IT!'

Spike fires off another six shots knocking Q off the seat of the gun emplacement, he swings on the barrel and rides it around the side to dropkick her in the face and send her sprawling and Throax flying onto 32's head.

>Hey what the hell! You didn't reload

Spike grins and spins the chamber of Charity.

@It's a dream, I don't have to!@

>I knew there'd be a catch to this.

@Now...@

Spike grins and levels his gun at 32 again.

@Are you gonna come quietly or in a bodybag?@

>Oh spare me the action hero diatribe, you fucking CHILD!

%Wait!%

77 leaps behind 32.

%It doesn't have to be this way! We can reason with him!%

>How do you intend to do that when you're the ones talking nonsense?

@77 get back, I don't wanna shoot you with one of the bullets about to rip through this dirtbag's skull!@

%Brother, give up! You're fighting for no true reason!%

>Exactly, you poncy tool, it's a dream! You're even less of my brother than the genuine article! Now fuck off!

With a leap, 32 bucks the barrel of the cannon in mid air, sending it slamming into 77 and making him drop his knife and ride the metal cannon along its rotation. 32 drops low as he lands, barely dodging a bullet sent from Charity. With a growl, 32 lets loose the only projectile available to him, watching it sail through the air and into Spike's mouth.

@GLRK!@

>Bullseye! Two birds with one stone!

&Oh...that's just fucking gross.&

"YOU THREW THORAX IN HIS MOUTH!"

>His heroic sacrifice will not be forgotten..

Spike coughs and hacks and finally spits out the offending insect, which chitters angrily at 32.

>...shit, you're alive. Oh well!

77 has made the full rotation, as 32 charges forward, spitting a wad of green sticky goo which collides with Spike's head as well as 77's hoof.

>Reggie, the cannon controls!

"Got it!"

With all the speed half of a roach can muster, Reggie scrambles to the controls of the cannon and starts to spin it, slow at first but faster and faster until it and its unwilling passengers are a blur.

@%AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!%@

"Oh the merry go round broke down, it made the damndest sound, and every day I'd laugh and play as the merry go round went-"

CLANG!

In an instant the cannon stops, then cracks, its barrel crashing onto the roof of the cider machine. 77 and Spike groan where they lay, dazed and dizzed. 42 smirks and pats her helmet.

&That the best you got, asshole?&

32 snarls.

>Damn my grudging respect for your combat abilities.

The two face off, a battle months in the making...aside from it just being in one of their heads.

{This is gonna be fun.}

>Buddy you got no idea.

&Wha?&

>Nothing.

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>2
“Shiny”
‘Celestia’
[Twlight]
_________

>AUNTIE CELLY!

‘Hello, my little ball of sunshi- UNNGH! Th-the hug is strong in this one….’

[Ha, like you didn’t already know that.]

>AUNTIE TWILIGHT!

[Okay, Two, slow down for just a- UMPHH! MUH RIBS!]

‘I’d laugh if my kidneys and liver hadn’t just been squeezed into one multifunctional organ.’

“I’ll massage out the kinks later, sunhorse.”

>AUNTIE DADDY!

“Oh Faust, my hea- NNNNNNGUH!”

‘That’s a lot of love she’s packing into these hugs. Wonder why?’

[It’s pretty easy to figure out, Princess. I mean, just look at her. She’s out and about, carefree and unconditionally happy. Never mind Changelings, she’s a rare breed for any species.]

“My crushed appendix coincides with your assessment, LSBFF. …Hey, Two? Sweetheart?”

>EEEEEEEEE!

“Yes, ‘eeee’, everything is ‘eee’ right now, I know, but I need you to get quit bouncing on that mascots head for a little bit okay? I have a present for y-”

Quick, fast and in a hurry, Two leapt to just in front of Shiny, her eyes shimmering pools of excitement and wonder.

>Is it one of Shiny’s patented ‘sad-away’ hugs? Those’re the best!

*SPLOORTCH*

‘Twilight! Are you okay? All that blood just shot out of your-’

[I’b fine, I’b fine… jush too cute… cute obuhload….]

‘Ooooh.’

“Sure, honey, you can have a Shiny hug.”

>EEEEE!

“But now I need you to close your eyes and hold out your hooves, okay?”

>B-but if I blink then I’mma miss all the clouds, and the ponies, and the rides, and y’all too!

*SPLOOORTCH!*

[Celesthuh!]

‘…Bad ‘nuff wit’ duh appuh tradishun… now dese nosebweeds….’

“Yeah, living with this ball of spontaneous cute all the time, you kind of build up an immunity. Sort’ve. Anyway, Two, just for a few seconds, alright?”

>Fiiiiiine…

…

“Okaaaay, and open!”

Almost before he could finish, Two was already prying her eyelids apart.

>Oh… mah…

There, in the crux of her two hooves sat a miniature dragon, an adult one with wings. But that wasn’t what caused sparkles of joy to glisten in her eyes. This mini-dragon stomping about her hooves almost experimentally was made entirely of marshmallows. Yes, from the tip of its fierce horns down to its whipping tail was nothing but white, sugary goodness.

>EEEEEEEEE!

[Dat’s both earbleedin’ and adowuhble.]

>WHAT IS THIS WHO MADE IT IS IT MINE CAN I KEEP IT?

“In that order, sweetheart, it’s a dragon made of marchmalley’s. It can even breathe a marchmalley flame.”

And almost as if to prove his words true, the dragon lazily stretched its gooey maw apart and spewed a white foam onto Two’s hooves, causing her to squeal giddily.

“It’s a combined present from your aunties here and Caddy, sweetie. Took them the better part of three months to build it, too. Lot of magic and love went into that little fella to help keep his shape and everything. Also, it's for you, and yes, you can keep it. It’s powered by marchmalley's so be sure to feed it, okay?”

The look of unbridled joy that encompassed Two’s face was so profound and infectious that passerby ponies found themselves smiling without rhyme or reason.

She looked towards her favorite aunties as the marchmalley dragon started its curious and perilous climb up her blonde mane, leaving little bits of white fluff in its wake.

‘…Oh no… no, no, no, no!’

[NO TWO NO MORE HUGSSSSAAAAAH!]

‘MY STOMACH!’

“Excuse me, sir? Can I borrow your camera for a moment? Mine’s full.”

>THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

*click!*

“This is going to be our Christmas card, yup.”

[‘AAAAAAAAGH!’]

*click!*

“And this one’s just for me.”

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>Celestia
"SA"
'Chrysalis'
~~~~

>...You know, in hindsight, instead of suffering together, I'm just mostly suffering alone here.

"GLG!"

'HAHAHAHAH! NO WAY! THE NEIGHBORS CALLED ON YOU!? AND YOU PUNCHED HIM STILL AT FULL MAST!? AHAHAHAHAH!'

>She's getting louder, so the ride must almost be over.... OH SHIT!

"..."

>Okay, enough with the drowny bits, we have to wake you up so that nobody thinks I tried to murder a foreign dignitary!

Her horn ignited gold, and magic enveloped the poor stallion before her.

...And did absolutely nothing.

>OH FUCK!

'AHAHAHHA! SO THEN YOU STUFFED WHAT IN HER *WHAT*!? I'VE GOT TO REMEMBER THAT ONE!'

>Come on! Wake up Shiny! WAKE UP! I CAN'T START A WAR LIKE THIS! My track record is crappy enough as it is!

"..."

>PLAN B!

She laid him as flat as she could on the boat, tilting his head back and placing her lips on his, softly starting CPR.

>...BREATH SHINY BR- wow, you taste like chocolate... chocolate and something else, actually... mmm, that's actually pretty-

*CHHK! We hope you enjoyed the cavern of wonders! Please pick up your photos at the front, and have a happy party time!*

>OH FUCK FUCK FUCK!... PLAN C!

She tilted his head back again, and her horn ignited with a full, majestic power. Her lips reconnected with his, and his entire body spasmed as if electricity was sent through it. She held onto his head tightly as his eyes flung open, not letting him move until she felt his chest heave with a need to breath.

"GLK! GKKKKKKK!"

He pitched over the side, hacking up wads of water into the river.

"That... was not my smartest idea."

>Worked out great for you! I had to listen to THAT the whole trip!

'BOOM! RIGHT IN THE FUNBOX!'

"I was actually hoping you'd leave me unconscious until we found Cadence."

>And then what!?

"...Plan was not thought out, I admit this, but I was desperate."

>Well, next time you need a plan B!

"I have a plan B!... I just really, really don't want to use it, because this was like my one smart idea I've ever had, and I'm pretty much out after this."

>...You had an alternative to drowning?

"...Uh..."

>Instead of almost making it look like I drowned you, you could have...

"...really easily stopped her, yeah..."

Without another word, she shoved him off the ride.

"ACK! NO MORE DROWNING PLEASE!"

She just sighed, and dragged him back on.

>You're lucky you're adorable when wet, Bubblehorse.

"Nah, you're just a naturally nice and helpful pony. Thanks for being there with me, I'd go crazy otherwise.."

Oh, of course he knows how to make her smile.

>You just want another hug, don't you?

"My daughter gets it from my side of the family. Hugs?"

And hug they did.

Times like this was rare, but it was always-

'HEY! YOU FUCKHEADS! I thought we agreed no tunnel of love singling out! I swear to my mother's spirit if she went down on you in there, there will be hell to pay!'

>...Gonna use plan B now?

"Plan B it is..."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Pommel's world was an explosion of pain as his face was raked by sharpened talons. He stumbled back as wings buffeted at his sides and a razor sharp beak went for his eyes. His mind was awash with desperate attempts to formulate a strategy trying to talk over various and rapid exclamations of every expletive his time with the pirates had taught him. Reaching out with his magic, he swung his cutlass with wild abandon, cutting through the air and hopefully whatever crazed monstrosity was attack him. A dull thunk and a piercing screech told him his strike had hit home, gathering himself, he opened his eyes to behold his assailant. Directly after he wished he hadn't.

Picture for a moment, a pony, now picture directly next to it a flock of various predatory birds. Then imagine the great hooves of some sadistic god smashing them together like so much modeling clay. Its body was a mottled intermixing of hide and feathers, great and terrible wings taking the place commonly occupied by forelegs as too long backlegs ended in a terrible mishmash of hoof and superfluous talons, all a hunched posture and vile countenance.

A long and scrawny neck not unlike a buzzard's stretched from its torso, leading to a bulbous misshappen head where the battle between hair and feather had seen its highest casualties, leaving not but sickly pallid skin and a few haggard survivors on either side. The sharp serrated beak that had assailed him gaped to let out a few schreeching chirps, stained with blood and scarred with the markings of battles that were probably just like this. But worst of all were its eyes, sunken, yellowed, but with the same shine that Pommel had seen in the eyes of a thousand ponies he'd met before.

It was an abomination.

And after so many frantic blasts of magic to its torso and head, it was nothing.

"What the hell WAS that thing, Daw? ...Daw?" Pommel looked to the side, blinking, Daw was no longer there. Dread gripped his heart as he saw blood staining the boards of the crow's nest, he rushed to the side of the nest, eyes wide, "DAW!?"

"I'm a little busy at the moment, lad!" The voice of the mare was a relief to his ears...the sight of her flying through the air with five of the horrifying beasts on her tail less so, "Sound the damned alarm! We need the crew to fight these monsters!"

"Right! Right!" Pommel scrambled over to the other side, cupping his hooves, "ALARM! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! WAKE UP! WAKE UP DAMN IT!"

Frantic and surprised the ship came to life, its crew crawling out of their quarters, fumbling for weapons, Rat and Doc among them as Evergreen exploded from his cabin to regard the scene.

"FIGHT THEM OFF, MEN! GIVE NO QUARTER!" The old stallion roared, "Lad, get down here and help us!"

Pommel nodded, vaulting out of the crow's nest and scrambling down the ropes, getting a good view of the calamitous battle below, as ponies did battle with the flapping menace, swords swinging, talons slashing, screams of wounded bird-things as blows landed, the panicked shouts of pirates as they were scooped up from the deck and flown out of sight. Still, as Pommel neared the deck, something screamed in the back of his mind. Something that he'd forgotten in his battle with the bird, the shadow in the fog-

"Oh shit, guys there's a bigger one-!" Pommel's shout was drowned out by a flash of lightning and a boom of thunder as a gigantic figure smashed onto the deck of the ship. Illuminated in the light of the ship's lanters, it was a horrid thing to behold. Several order larger than its counterparts, it looked as though the combination of predatory birds and pony had a rather fat hen join the mix. Its girth had the same vile combination of feather and fur, but where skin was visible, there were vile blue veins pressed and bluging from the skin. It let out a cackling scream that drowned out everything else in the world, almost making Pommel lose his grip on the ropes.

He dropped down to the deck, scrambling to the side to avoid another diving creature, lighting his horn and smashing the monstrosity with a barrel. Galloping with all the speed he could muster, he slid to a stop next to Evergreen, ducking as the captain's cutlass sliced through the air and subsequently through one of the vile monsters' bodies.

"I think mama's arrived!" Pommel shouted, "At least, I think it's the mom."

"Of course there's a big one, there's always a big one," Evergreen grumbled, "Lad we need to take this big hen down, but anyone that gets close to it-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" The screams of a crewman tore through the sound of the brawl as half his body was sticking out of the maw of the great monstrous beast as it jerked its head back and forth like a demented tyrannosaurus.

"-has that happen to them," Evergreen snarled, "Damn it all, he was a good cabin boy!"

"What do we do, sir?" Pommel asked, firing off another blast of magic to render another attacking bird-thing to a flying fricasse.

"We need to bring a cannon to bear on the damned thing, there isn't a mortal being alive that can survive a point blank taste of annihilation!" Evergreen smirked, then turned to a group that was polishing off another wing of the attackers, "You lot! Go with the lad and bring one of the forty-pounders to bear on this feathered wench!"

"Aye sir!" Pommel and the pirates shouted, charging towards where one of the guns were emplaced, they began working to pull the cannon back towards the deck and bring it to bear-

Until a sleek scaly body began to rise from the ocean, twisting and coiling as its jet black form rose, its opened, luminous and fiery with the glare of a vengeful predator.

"Oh Faust damn it, not YOU again!" Pommel shouted as the sea serpent opened its mouth to reveal row upon row of jagged teeth, "This is THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME!"

The serpent screamed out an almost cackling shriek, its mouth darting down to try and snap up Pommel. The unicorn leapt back, leaving the serpent to smash its maw into the deck. A pirate armed with an axe tried to hack into the beast's neck, but found his mark only enter it shallowly, drawing only a few trailing drops of blood. The crewman blanched as the beast set its gaze upon him, crying out in terror as in one swift motion the monster's tail rose from the waves and batted him overboard, the pony being snapped up by two of the birds and flown out of sight.

"RUN!" Pommel shouted, scrambling around, nearly slamming into Rat as he did, the two tumbled to the deck, barely another set of slashing talons and stabbling beak.

"Ah! There ya are, mate!" Rat said chipperly, "Quite a bit of a problem this is, aye?"

"Ungh...aye," Pommel groaned out, "The damned serpent's back and I think it may be in cahoots with the birds."

Pommel looked back towards the reptile in question, then blinked as it snapped up the previously attacking avian.

"Welp, that theory got throttled in the cradle," Rat observed, "Maybe'll they'll eat each other in the course of eating us!"

"Maybe...maybe...MAYBE!" Pommel suddenly jumped up, an idea coming to him out of the blue, "That's it, I've got it! I've got a plan!"

"Hurrah! What kinda plan?" Rat asked, firing a few inneffective shots at the sea snake.

"The kind that needs Daw, some cannons, and a whole lot of luck!" Pommel said, racing towards Evergreen, "Captain! The serpent's-"

"I KNOW!" Evergreen shouted, trying to fend off said beast's tail with his sword, "Believe me, I know!"

"I've got a plan, sir! We can take it AND the-the-"

"Harpies," Doc, emphatically smashing a heavy encyclopedia over the head of one of the offending birds, supplied, "Call 'em fuckin' harpies if we're gonna call 'em somethin'!"

"We can take BOTH out at the same time! Where's Daw!?"

As in answer, said pegasus slammed into the deck, or rather, slammed one of the harpies into it, her bandanna hanging on by a thread, a few hairs of golden mane poking out, she was missing an earring. The Harpy Queen schreeched from the bow, the pegasus growled, gritting her teeth around her cutlass as she prepared to charge, until Pommel's teeth closed around her tail, making her yelp and round on him.

"THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!?" She shouted at him over the intensifying storm, rain begginning to come down in sheets.

"I HAVE A PLAN!" Pommel shouted back, "WE NEED YOU FOR IT!"

"WHAT KINDA FUCKING PLAN!?" Daw snarled.

He told them.

There was silence.

"CAN WE DO IT!?" Pommel asked over the din.

"AYE!" Evergreen shouted, "I'LL GET THE MEN IN PLACE YOU AND RAT KEEP US COVERED!"

"FAIR WARNING LAD!" Daw fixed Pommel with a stern look, "IF I DIE, I'M GONNA HAUNT YOUR ASS FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!"

"TO BE FAIR, DAW, IF YOU DIE, I DON'T THINK MY LIFE'LL BE MEASURED IN DAYS!" Pommel fired back.

Daw's reply was a laugh before she took wing, Pommel and Rat following behind her, taking shots at any of the Harpies that came near her maddened flight, with the speed of a rapidly diving hawk she flew towards the Harpy Queen, eyes squinting against the rain...

And kicked her across the beak.

The monstrous bird's head snapped back and she gave a howl of rage, a single eye fixing onto Daw who merely smirked and began taking off in the opposite direction, the portly abomination in hot pursuit, Rat and Pommel were right behind them, as were the quickly gathering flock of the Queen. The two unicorns shot as many of the flying fiends as they could as Daw swerved towards the serpent, flying close enough for it to snap at her...

And get slashed across the face by one of the Harpy Queen's talons.

The reptile let out another piercing shriek, pushing off the boat in order to chase after Daw and the Queen, slipping beneath the waves. The flock followed after the Queen, chirping and screaming as they attempted to keep up with the larger harpy and its target. Pommel and Rat looked out over the railing as the crew rolled the ship's cannons out of their holes, bringing them to bear.

"Come on..." Pommel growled.

Daw and the Harpy were getting farther away from the ship.

"...come on..."

Daw pulled up, the ocean erupted as the serpent leapt up out of it, biting at the Harpy Queen's legs and wrapping itself around the fat creature's body. The two massive monstrosities thrashed and fought with one another in a sudden struggle, their forms slowly sinking towards the ocean.

"NOW!" Pommel shouted down to the crew below.

"SEND THEM TO HELL!" Evergreen roared.

The patter of rain, the cracks of thunder, and even the screams of the monsters were suddenly muted before the great crashing boom that accompanied the broadside that erupted from the Widow's Regret, cannonballs speeding towards the fighting giants, giving them little time to register what they had just heard before slamming into them with the force of a freight train. All Pommel could make out were the fractured and broken bodies of either titan falling limply into the sea, the flock of harpies screaming and scattering to the whipping winds of the Tempest.

Then all was silent, the crew that had retreated into the bowels of the ship slowly made their way topside, sharing glances with their fellows, with Pommel. Evergreen walked up onto the deck, his head looking this way and that.

"Where's Daw?" His face was stoic, but there was a tinge of worry within.

Pommel looked over his shoulder, blinking, where WAS Daw?

His answer came as she crashed down onto the deck, a triumphant look on her face.

"Good plan," She said simply, and started to laugh, causing Pommel to join in , and soon the entire crew was laughing along with them.

They were tired, bloodied, wet, they had lost several of their number, and it was not clear if the City of Gold was truly any closer.

But for now, only for now, they could take solace in this small but emphatic victory of the tempest. They had won.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Blueblood
“PJ”
‘???’
{???}
_______

>OOOOOH MYYYYY GOOOOOOOD STOOOOOP!

“By the Queen’s outrageously huge backside, quit screaming. I thought you were a stallion, not a foal. I already told you it’s safe, just calm down and lean into it. Don’t control it, lean into it.”

>LEAN WHERE? I CAN’T LEAN! THERE’S NOTHING TO LEAN T-

“Mind the glass.”

>SHIIIIIII-

With an almighty cacophony of shattering window pane, Blueblood crashed through a window that led into the kitchen, the force of his collision causing him to tumble end over end until being stopped rather abruptly by a sturdy counter.

PJ swung in with far more poise and landed with all the grace of a gazelle. She had to fight not to laugh watching Blueblood struggle to untangle himself from the spare 3DMG she’d lent him.

“Pft, so, you and flight? Not the best of friends.”

>Guh… As well we shouldn’t be! I am a unicorn and proud of it! This unholy contraption, this strange assortment of steel, I don’t even know why I let you put it on me in the first place!

“Because I asked, you said okay, and here we are.”

>…I was being facetious, you-

{BZZZT ERROR ERROR SUFFOCATION PROTOCOL INITIATED!}

A high-pitched scream erupted from Blueblood’s muzzle as he leapt up, stumbling in the tangle of 3DMG wires.

>What in the blue hell was that? Did I sit on-

From the open refrigerator bounced a Changeling, one that Blueblood guessed was younger than PJ if size made a difference.

‘Silly, Triple-B, you don’t breathe!’

{BZZT. Memory modification now in place to wipe away crossed circuits concerning the wish to be real. …Done.}

‘It’s for the best.’

{Error. What is?}

‘Exactly!’

>There… there are more of you residing in the castle? I thought- OUCH!

He rubbed at his stinging hindleg, the same hindleg that PJ had inconspicuously kicked.

“Down, boy. Yes, there are more Changelings in the castle. This here is AJ10, our… gossip reporter.”

{WARNING! DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER IN PROGRESS!}

‘Hey now, potato fiend, I cover only the facts! Why, I’ll have you know that I scour deep down below-’

She dropped to her bellow in a stealthy prone.

‘-to the very top-’

She leapt to her tippy hooves.

‘-for all the stories that the public needs to know! For I! Am! Applejack Ten!’

A puff of lackluster confetti flew from BBB’s mouth piece.

‘Really? That’s all I get?’

{Bzzt. That is all I was stocked with.}

‘Darn it….’

Ignoring the smaller Changeling before him, Blueblood put a hoof to her shoulder, attempting to push her aside-

>What I’m wondering is why this hunk of metal bears such a striking resemblance to myse-

-and was immediately halted by the numerous cannons and weapons that extended out of a hatch on BBB’s back, some glowing redhot, others spinning ominously, but all of which were aimed directly at him.

{Errrrror. Unsatisfactory force used against handler. BZZT! EXTERMINATION PROTOCOL INITIATED IN SEVEN, SIX-}

>WHAT IS THIS?

‘BBB NO!’

As the whirring of cylinders gained a vicious edge, PJ only glanced around, completely detached from what was happening as her nose picking up the distinct smell of a freshly picked batch of potatoes.

“You might want to apologize, Bluey. That is, if you don’t want to be reduced to a bleeding hunk of swiss cheese.”

{TWO-}

Throwing caution to the wind, Blueblood bent down, hastily mashing his lips to the Changelings cheek.

‘…’

“Wow.”

{BZZZT.}

The guns withdrew, the canons unloaded, and all the knives and blades were sheathed. In the span of a second, all the drawn weapons had slithered back into their resting place.

“Well take my potatoes and give me grapes, I was just picturing your death as a headliner for the next issue of the Changeling Gazette.”

‘Th-that’s the H-Hive Gazette!’

“…Why’re you blushing?”

>Wait a minute… I remember this thing!

Stepping past 10 this time instead of laying a hoof on her, Blueblood approached the mechanical version of himself, staring it up and down.

>Yes… yes! It’s coming back to me, it- I made it… this was my double! During the, uh…the.…

“You seem to be having some trouble there, Bluey. Here, say it with me: ‘During the time when I went batshit crazy and tried to kill the princess’.

>…

‘…Y-you what?’

{Bzzzt… sadness levels rising.}

Blueblood didn’t know this Changeling staring up at him with lowered ears from a bucket of piss but her dejected expression all but compelled the stallion to explain himself.

>I… was a fool. And fools make mistakes, great ones. And I’m afraid I made the greatest one of all….

His tired eyes found the notched and worn Bluebloodbot that so resembled him. Memories were flooding back, trickling through the mental dam he’d erected long ago. He remembered the job he sent it to do… distraction… so he could carry on with a mission that was doomed since its conception.

Destroy the damn thing.

One blast from his horn would dismantle that bad nightmare like a foals puzzle. It would be one more section of that painful occurrence erased. …But he didn’t. Any pony with half their sight could see that outside of its appearance, there was no bearing of the killing machine it was built to be, instructed to be. In fact….

>Bluebloodbot.

He firmed his jaw.

>Shoot me in the face.

While AJ10’s expression morphed from sorrow to alarm, PJ actually showed a hint of concern in her stance, but aside from BBB’s eyes flashing a hostile red and a stray spark shooting from a shoulder joint, nothing happened. It didn’t move.

>Thought so… It’s no longer under my control.

“That was a pretty gutsy move there, Bluey….”

>The consequences of which I’m more than ready to accept at a moments notice. You there, little one… AJ10. Are you Bluebloodbot’s owner now?

‘He- no, not his owner.’

She stood in front of the mechanized stallion and thwacked it protectively with her tail.

‘He’s my friend! No, more than my friend! He’s my trusty editor on our eternal search for the truth of all stories!’

And she struck a mighty pose.

{…BZZZT! OCULAR PERIPHERALS ARE BURNING!]

‘Huh? BBB, are you okay? What’s that black liquid in your eyes?’

>He’s fine… He’s fine. And so am I… because what kind of honorable stallion would care that something he made for… for destruction… who cares that it turned out to be profitable in the end, that it tuned into someone else’s friend? I… not me… I don’t care….

“…If you don’t care then why are your ocular peripherals watering, too?”

>Because I’m suddenly very clearly aware that I only have one day to experience other things I’ve missed….

“And?”

Blink.

Vision blurry, cheeks wet.

Shit.

>I wish I had more time.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Rekulk
"Vekir"
'Grahem'
~~~~~~

>Ha ha, fellows, we have made many a trade today! So many a trade for the bits of shining gold and nice things!

"Disappointment still is with me, I feel no smiles."

>What is wrong?

"My victory over the stacking of the water holders was meant to be great! But the animal I won as a prize was a fake! There is no meat within it, only more hair! It is a creature made of nothing but hair!"

>Perhaps it's species insides turn to hair when it dies? Like how the White Eyed many legged Moth turns it's insides into the foul paste as it perishes?

"Then what is the point of winning them!?"

>They are very soft.

"Their softness is of little concern! NEH! Away with you- HEY!"

'...What?'

"Release my corpse!"

'You tossed away.'

"So!? That does not mean it is not mine!"

>You did not want it!

"But he has it now! He cannot have what I do not if I won it first!"

'Then why throw it away?'

"Because it annoyed me, but now I wish it back!"

'...No, it is soft, I like it.'

"IT IS MINE! NEH! NEHNEHNEHNHNEEEEEHHHHH!... Release it!"

'No.'

" *SCREEECH!* "

>Do not use the screech of help! You are in no danger!

"But I want it!"

>I shall win you another!

"...Fine!"

>Good, now we-you are still trying to grab it!

"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH!"

>How did she live so long...

'Many a night, I stay up and wonder.'

"NEEEEHHHHH!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SS
"DT"
'Spike'
{waiter}
~~~~
>....
SS looks at DT who's giving Spike a glare of daggers. SS then looks at Spike who appears very guilty.

"..."

'...'

>...sooo they're taking quite a while with our orders huh? Good service is so hard to come by.

"Yup...."

'I usually hear good things about The Old Spaghetti Factory. Maybe it's one of their off days. At least this is some good garlic bread...'

"Sure..."

>Uhhhh...so what do you think the others are up to eh?

'I thought I would run into them eventually, but I haven't seen them. I hope they're having a good time.'

"Some club we are if we can't even hang out as a group."

>...Ummm hey look food's here.

{Here's your Fettuccine Alfredo. A pasta with marinara sauce for your pink friend, and a Lasagne for your dragon friend.}

>Thank you. That'll be all.

'so what did you two do while I was gone?'

>We were...pretty much searching for you the whole time.

'Really? That was a pretty long time.'

>Yeah, but DT was really insistent on finding you.

'Oh wow...I'm really sorry.'

"..."

>...This is going to get awkward at the hotel isn't it?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-canon
~~~
"So..." Celestia asked blearily. "Tell us again what happened on the first night at Partyland, Spike? And could ya try not to say it so loud?"

"You're being too loooooud." Rarity whined complained from her seat with a bag of ice on her head.

"ugh... Remind me to ban the sale of alcohol from this resort..." Pinkie groaned from the floor. "'Drinking Around the World'? What the fuck was I thinking?"

"Well, let's start back from the beginning, it began when the Gun Club met up and and we decided to go for drink, 42 and 77 rightly didn't want Silver Spoon and Diamond tiara to drink, but they were devious and waited until 42 and 77 were drunk enough to buy them booze. Against my advice of course. We ended up stumbling around where we ran into Dash, Pinkie, Twilight, and Fluttershy. The four of them were already sloshed from a bit of drinking around the world. A circuit we all finished together and ran into Rarity tasting wines and ciders with Applejack. Seeing the chaos that was ensuing and where it was all going, Applejack grabbed a barrel and began to drink. right about when Chrysalis, Celestia, and Shining Armor joined in. Chrysalis began cheering AJ on, and Rarity didn't want to be left out from her friends, so down the hatch it went."

"So, what happened then?" chrysalis groaned.

"You and Celestia challenged eachother to drinks. Celestia then showed her talent where she could then breath out gouts of fire... Which ignited the place. So we cheesed it. While we were on the lamb, Chrysalis decided to break out 32, everyone else said it was a good idea, except me. And everyone hijacked my bike, booked it at over mach 2 to Canterlot, blasted through the wall where we found 32 already out of it... Chrysalis decided he needed more booze."

"Can you skip to the end?"

"Alright, basically, everyone got sloshed and went into a big orgy together."

The room goes quiet

"... Everyone?" Shining Armor choked.

"Well, obviously not 2 or myself. I also managed to pull Tiara and Silver Spoon out once it got hotter than a makeout session. Oh, and Discord, after too many drinks he became sober for the first time in his life and went off to some fine art exhibition."

Shiny seemed slightly more relieved while Chrysalis was ready to cheer.

"I got some from Shiny-"

"not... exactly..." Spike corrected.

"What?"

"you were so drunk you mistook Celestia for Shining Armor, turned into a stallion and gave it-"

"Oh, sweet hivemind, no!"

"Yep."

"Spike?" Twilight asked nervously. "What about the six of us?"

"Well, Twilight, you ended up pegging Flash with your horn while Fizzle got the nizzle with Dazzil- i mean Dash."

"Ewwww! Argh! Dragon sex!"

"Pardon me, Dash, but, whot's wrong wit' dragon sex?"

"Yes, darling, please enlighten us."

"uhhh..."

The room soon erupted into new chaos, and calmly, fizzle sat down beside Spike and glared.

"you know, you're a real asshole to make them think all this happened."

"Yeah, but admit it, this is hilarious. And it serves them right for getting so plastered."

"nice to see Flash douchebag get put in his place."

Spike smirked and cheered with his coffee mug. "To Draconic poison immunity?"

Fizzile returned. "to dragon poison immunity. We may never get drunk but we can have fun at the expense of those who have."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Addeum
~~~
Chrysalis leans in and speaks in a hushed tone "Hey, lizardo..."

"Hmm?" spike looks up from his coffee.

"So... During the orgy, did I get round with my aunt Chitania at all? I mean even without the beer googles, she's pretty unf."

From across the room, Chitania somehow heard this and screamed despite her hangover headache: "I'M YOUR AUNT YOU DEGENERATE BRAT!"

After everyone in the room, even those not hung over winced from the powerful bellow, Chrysalis just commented: "You know, that actually makes me kind of wanna bed you more."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Addendum to the addendum
______

Bleary-eyed and wearing a smile that spoke of his joyous romp last night, 56 shrugged off Chitania's thunderous yell and rested the side of his face against her wobbling, ever-firm rump.

"Yer' muh aunt wit' the outta this world booty," he slurred, not even drunk, just tired and filled with love.

The surprised "eeep!" that passed through the Titan Changelings lips was far more effeminate than anyone would have thought possible of her.

"F-FOOL! GET AWAY FROM THERE! MY BUTT IS NOTHING TO BE HUGGED!" she raged, her cheeks turning a very noticeable shade of red. "I'M YOUR AUNT, TOO!"

The fact that Chitania was his aunt had never stopped 56 in the past and he would be damned if it stopped him now as he turned more into that monumental crevice and sank into it with a delighted sigh.

"Sweet Sunbutt, you smell good, auntie... I'm jus' gonna take a nap here, 'kay? 'Kay."

And so he did, instantly passing out with only half his face visible from of Chitania's flanks. She stood there looking beyond pissed off and mortified.

8-bit and Gaffer raised their hooves. "Hey, can we-"

"I WILL KILL YOU!"

"Withdrawn."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non Canon
>42
"42's Brain"
'32'

>Blurgh...ugh...that was just the worst...

"Yes, I definitely need to be told this."

>You are pounding, I can barely see, I'm not sure where I am and...uhhh...

"You're prostrated under someone, helmet askew?"

>Holy shit, who's back there!?

'Nngh...whereummai?'

>...

"Yyyyyyuuuuup!"

'I had the weirdest dre...the hell is going on here-'

ANTI-LEWD HEADBUTT!

'HURK!'

"Yep, that solves your problem here."

>SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP-

"If it's any consolation, he's dynamite in he sack."

>GRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

'Hate my life...'

"You and me both buddy."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
He was the fifteen year undefeated champion of the "Imitate a Rock" competition...

She was a whirlwind of fun unlike anything the caves had ever seen ...

This summer, see what happens when the irresistible force of joy ...
'Let us ride the Bloated Burrower's Gullet together, Elder Grehm! The odor of its mucus is said to be most ... stimulating ...'

Meets the immovable object of duty ...
"Apologies, friend conductor. As a brave of the tribe, it is my first duty to crush any threats that come near the Home Cave, no matter how entertaining their insides. I shall now take the bawling cub beside me to be eaten."

Coming "soon" to a thread near you:

Wed'Lock: The Courting of Grehm
- Love is All Underground
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Pinkie
"Twilight"
'Dash'
[Fluttershy]
{2}
~~~~~~

>Okay, now this might seem like a bad idea-

'THIS IS AN AMAZING IDEA AND YOU SHOULD FEEL GOOD!'

{I WANT ONE!}

"Two, no! That is so unhealthy!"

>It's not that baaaaad!

"It is fried ice cream. I just... fried ice cream! HOW DID YOU EVEN DO THAT!?"

>Science!

"Do no besmirch Science's good name with- TWO NO!"

{OM NOM NOM!}

"If my niece has a heart attack before she graduates the first grade, I WILL END YOU!"

>Oh come ooooooon~!

'This stuff is amaz-HRK!'

*THUMP!*

[OH NO! I THINK DASHIE IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK!]

"You see what you did!?"

>Not my fault, it's her fault!

"Who's..."

That's when she noticed Two, with a fried ice cream bar in her mouth, purring like a kitten and curled up.

"...HRK!"

[TWILIGHT!]

>Yeah, good thing I'm already so insanely immune thanks to my diabetes.

[...That... that's the opposite of how diabetes works.]

>DAMN IT FLUTTERSHY! HRK!

[...]

{Mmmm....nummies..}

[...somehow I knew our friendship would crumble like this.]
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________