Eng Iliza: Elder Millennial (2018)

1
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Guys, I'm about to take a giant ship.

2
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Thank you so much!

3
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Thank you.

4
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Thank you so much...

5
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for being here. So...

6
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first up on the agenda is...

7
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I got engaged.

8
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Thank you.

9
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I appreciate that enthusiasm.

10
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I appreciate the applause
because I live in Los Angeles

11
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and when you tell people in L.A. that
you got engaged, they don't applaud.

12
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You tell people in L.A. you got engaged,
they're, like, "Good for you.

13
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Good for..."

14
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So you tell people you got engaged,
next obligatory thing out of their mouth

15
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is, like, "How did you guys meet?

16
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How did you meet?"

17
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I don't like to tell people

18
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how we met.

19
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I don't like to tell people how we met.

20
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It's not bad. It's not embarrassing.

21
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It's just not cool.

22
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Like, we met on a dating app.

23
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Right, like all of you. Yeah.

24
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We met on a dating app, which is...

25
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less of a product of my lack of creativity
and more a result of my generation.

26
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I'm a millennial.

27
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That's how we meet each other, okay?

28
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Yeah.

29
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A dating app, at a bar,

30
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or it's, like, "I got her pregnant. Well,
Skylar will make a good mom." That's it.

31
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Some of you were so quiet when I said
I was a millennial. Fuck you, okay?

32
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I am... 35.

33
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Which means I was born in 1983,

34
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which means I am...

35
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right at the cutoff.

36
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Okay, so I am a millennial,

37
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but I am an elder!

38
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Elder millennial!

39
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Wizened.

40
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Sage.

41
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Yes, gather 'round the Snapchat, children.

42
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I'll tell you the tale...

43
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of the landline.

44
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Hello, goodbye.

45
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When I was a young girl...

46
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I once sent a text message
from a Sidekick.

47
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I remember when Skechers were invented.

48
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They were ugly then.

49
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And they're ugly now.

50
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In high school...

51
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we danced to a band called Sugar Ray.

52
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How did you guys meet?

53
00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:52,315
You ask a girl, "How did you guys meet?"

54
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We want to tell you.
We want to tell you...

55
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everything.

56
00:03:58,029 --> 00:04:00,615
We want to give you personal information,
background story,

57
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ancillary information,
anything information.

58
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,703
Just say, "How did you meet?"

59
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,913
Are you sitting down? Chapter One.
In seventh grade,

60
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I showed an aptitude for the clarinet.
We take it... back!

61
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We want you to know so much.

62
00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,922
You ask a guy, "How did you guys meet?"

63
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Men don't volunteer personal information
as readily.

64
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Seldom will you meet a guy where
you're, like, "How did you guys meet?"

65
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And he's, like,
"So, I'm a Pisces, so I love faces."

66
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A man's objective is often to let you know
not so much how they met,

67
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but to let you know that, like,

68
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"I could still fuck if I wanted to.

69
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'Cause I'm a fuck man.

70
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That's how I do.

71
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I'm not gonna fuck you,
cause I'm fucking her, but...

72
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I come from a long line of fuck men,
all right?

73
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My daddy was a fuck man,
my granddaddy was a fuck man.

74
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I fuck.

75
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I pack up this dick, on to the next town.

76
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Yeah.

77
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Fire in the hole.

78
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,847
Fuck Man Terry, that's what they call me."

79
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Down at the Walgreens, whatever.

80
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How did you guys meet?

81
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I say this next part as a woman
that champions other women,

82
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as a woman who chose to be single
for a very long time.

83
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I always feel, when single women ask me,

84
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"So, how did you guys meet?"

85
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It's less about a genuine personal inquiry
for me,

86
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and it's more like
they're looking for clues, like,

87
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"Where did you find a suitor?

88
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Tell us your ways."

89
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Like, you walk in...

90
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to a Trader Joe's on a Sunday night.

91
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That's when hot girls
go grocery shopping.

92
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Like, I'm buying flowers for me, right?

93
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You walk into a Trader Joe's with a ring
on your left hand,

94
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single women can feel
the vibrations of the ring.

95
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Like, "The ring! It mocks us!" And they...

96
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They come out
of the frozen yogurt aisle...

97
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Lululemon, highlighted hair, like,

98
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:06,783
"Tell us your ways,
we wish to be betrothed as well.

99
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Secrets.

100
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Tell us. Be a girl's girl."

101
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There's no secret, just so we're clear.

102
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Don't buy the books. Don't buy the hype.
Don't listen...

103
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There's no secret, okay?

104
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I'm going to be 35 when I get married.

105
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And if there was a secret,
I would have fucking used it.

106
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There's no... secret.

107
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There's no special magic to it.

108
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I'm never going to be, like,
"Gather round, ladies.

109
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Off the 405 lies a toadhole...

110
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You must go to it."

111
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No secret. Plus, chances are,
if you are single

112
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and you are not enjoying that time
in your life,

113
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you're probably doing everything
in your power to not be single.

114
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I don't know a single girl out there
that's, like, "I hate being single.

115
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I don't get it. I wash
with ham and cat hair. Where is he?

116
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Where is he?"

117
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Women have no problem letting people know
that they are looking for a relationship.

118
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We shout it from the mountaintops.

119
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We take a seminar.

120
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We take a class, we ask around.

121
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Are you single? Does your brother
have a brother? Do you have a sister?

122
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I will take anything at this point.

123
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We let people know...
We get license plates made

124
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like "LOOKIN4U." Like, we let you know.

125
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I feel like men are more laissez-faire
when it comes to relationships.

126
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I guess I fell into her,
now we got four kids. It's kind of...

127
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It's less deliberate.
Women are, like, "This way."

128
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"I guess I'll just go that way."

129
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It just becomes.

130
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Their stories are less deliberate.

131
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I've asked a lot of guys,
"How did you meet your girl?"

132
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I've noticed that about 80%
of the stories sound very similar.

133
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80% of the time it's, like,
"How did we meet? All right, well...

134
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I was out with my buddies.

135
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And you know me,
I wasn't looking for anybody.

136
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And then I saw her."

137
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And that <i>lie</i> becomes...

138
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A big part of our narrative as women,

139
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this hope that we will go out
and a man is going to see us,

140
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save us, rescue us.

141
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It's this hope that we're going to be
seen and that's going to happen for us.

142
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And we all have this sort of shared
fantasy where you walk into a...

143
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a club or a bar with five of your
girlfriends who look exactly like you.

144
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And you walk in
and a man picks you out of the crowd,

145
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sees you for the beautiful soul
that you are, like, decides...

146
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like, there's some DJ up there
and he looks out and he's, like...

147
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"Her."

148
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And you're, like, "Me?"

149
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And then your life begins, right?

150
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This is not our fault for expecting this
or thinking this will happen.

151
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,964
We have been taught this message
since we were little girls.

152
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Princesses get saved.

153
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:12,385
Snow White got saved by the prince.

154
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It was really the seven dwarves
and she was, like, lost in a forest.

155
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But, like...

156
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seven men.

157
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Who is she? Right.

158
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Sleeping Beauty was saved when the prince
kissed her while she was sleeping.

159
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Terrible moral.

160
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What do we take away from that?
Generations of men, like,

161
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"No, you kiss 'em when they're sleeping,
they're forever grateful.

162
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Officer."

163
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So naturally we go out
hoping to be discovered.

164
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There's this weird thing
where a lot of girls, when we're single,

165
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we don't want to admit that we're
going out hoping a man notices us.

166
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Of course you are,
but we don't want to seem desperate.

167
00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:01,935
I'm just going out with my girlfriends,
in full makeup, with padded everything.

168
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,895
This is just for fun. I'm just going out.

169
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:08,525
It's normal to want to be noticed
by someone that you find attractive.

170
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That's the caveat, okay?

171
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,236
It's normal...

172
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to want attention. Even in a relationship,
you still have a beating heart.

173
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You still want people to let you know
you're attractive.

174
00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:22,956
If you're with your guy, you're holding
his hand and you're walking,

175
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and you see some hot guy, like, "You like
that?" He's like, "I like that." Okay.

176
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No harm, no foul.

177
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,093
We all try this bullshit, like,

178
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"I'm not even trying." Really? Then put
a feed bag over your head. Carry an onion.

179
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You're trying, okay?

180
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:44,102
You don't have to try that hard, but
you're going out. It's nice to be noticed.

181
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,854
So we all do it. Put on the makeup.

182
00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:48,148
Force our chub into some pants.

183
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:51,985
You shove your coyote paws
into some heels and we go out.

184
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You don't even hunt.

185
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:01,411
What do you do, girls? You just stand
in a pack of six other women.

186
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:02,996
Six other coyotes.

187
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,297
Getting annoyed
that no guy's hitting on you?

188
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,882
Yeah, there's six of you.

189
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:14,799
He's terrified.

190
00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:21,055
We get annoyed so quickly when a guy
doesn't notice all the effort.

191
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:23,808
So what do you say?
Like, "This sucks, let's take a lap."

192
00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,018
So you just move...

193
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:28,646
in a perfume cloud
around the perimeter of the bar.

194
00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:31,649
Maybe they're more progressive
ten feet from here.

195
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,819
So this begs the question, as women,

196
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,362
as feminists...

197
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:39,991
Maybe some... one or two lazy guys
might pause at the question.

198
00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:42,410
"How come the guy's got to hit
on the girl?

199
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,953
You're an independent woman.

200
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,663
Why can't a girl hit on a guy?

201
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,624
Why can't the girl hit on the guy?"

202
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:50,126
God's honest answer?
'Cause we did all this.

203
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,795
You fucking do something, Scott.
That's the answer.

204
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:53,838
It's a lot.

205
00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:56,132
Okay.

206
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:03,389
A lot. I haven't had bread in five months.

207
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:04,599
It's a lot, okay?

208
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:08,269
A big part of the reason
women don't hit on men

209
00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:10,438
is that women aren't seen as equal to men.

210
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,524
Therefore, when we step out
of a traditional feminine role,

211
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:17,195
and do something alpha and hit on a guy
and he rejects us,

212
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,405
it hurts that much more.

213
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,866
And on a biological level,

214
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:26,496
you know, at your core, he's not rejecting
you based on your shoes or your outfit.

215
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,747
He's rejecting...

216
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:28,831
your eggs.

217
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:36,756
You get up nerve to talk to a guy, like,
"Excuse me, would you like my eggs?"

218
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:39,801
"I don't want those fucking eggs."

219
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,719
Please! I only have but a few.

220
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,724
Women aren't seen as equal to men,

221
00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,601
so it's uncomfortable to hit on men.

222
00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:51,229
There's a lot more at risk for us.
Maybe one day...

223
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:54,440
in a utopia where men and women
are considered equal,

224
00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:59,070
maybe one day we can hit on men
unencumbered by self-esteem issues.

225
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:02,115
But as it stands now,
that's not something we can do.

226
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,117
Our grandmothers didn't hit on men.

227
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,786
Our mothers didn't hit on men.
Maybe one day.

228
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,956
Maybe my generation changes it.
It's too late. But...

229
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,585
maybe my generation,
with the hashtags and the tweets,

230
00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:17,964
maybe we'll change it
so that our great-granddaughters

231
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,216
can hit on men. Yes, that's the dream,

232
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,468
that we do the work now

233
00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:25,638
so that our great-granddaughters
will know the thrill

234
00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:29,767
of hitting on a half-in-the-bag Guido
outside a taco truck

235
00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,352
at 2 a.m.

236
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:35,857
'Tis but a dream.

237
00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:41,112
Another big part of the reason
that women don't hit on men is that

238
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,656
men are better at dealing with rejection.

239
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,116
Sexually.

240
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:47,035
Women are not used to dealing...

241
00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:49,287
with rejection... when it comes to sex.

242
00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:52,707
We're used to dealing with rejection when
it comes to... governing our own bodies,

243
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,460
having our own thoughts, getting paid
the same as a man, but...

244
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,128
when it comes...

245
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,675
When it comes to sexual rejection,

246
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:07,013
men deal with it more than women
because they have more at bats.

247
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,473
They hit on women more.

248
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:11,768
Ask the guy next to you, "When was the
last time you were sexually rejected?"

249
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:15,521
He'll be, like, "You mean in the Uber
on the way here? At the box office?

250
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:19,400
Like, behind that plane while you were
in the bathroom? Be specific."

251
00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:23,279
'Cause every guy knows...

252
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,281
it's about the at bats.

253
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,450
It's about how many times
can you hit on a girl.

254
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,869
'Cause you know
eventually one's going to say yes.

255
00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:33,581
When men first start going out,
it's about quantity over quality,

256
00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:36,334
like, "Hey, sweetheart!
You're ugly anyway. How about you?"

257
00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:37,710
You keep going through it.

258
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:41,422
Every guy knows you got to kiss a lot
of frogs if you're gonna what, guys?

259
00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,591
Fuck a frog, that's right. So...

260
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:48,346
'Cause he knows. They're not going
to admit it to you, every guy knows

261
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,556
If he hits on, like, 20 women in a night,

262
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,517
one's gotta say yes.

263
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,644
Like, one gross-out's gotta be, like...

264
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,521
"Yeah, all right."

265
00:14:56,604 --> 00:15:00,233
2 a.m. It's his Hail Mary,
at the buzzer pass,

266
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:04,487
the lights are coming on, he's like,
"How about you?"

267
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:07,782
Some girl will turn around and be, like,
"Okay.

268
00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:11,327
Can we wash my hump before we make love?

269
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,664
Just kidding. It's an egg.

270
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:15,623
So...

271
00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:23,047
By that same token, men aren't allowed

272
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,550
to have feelings in our society,
which isn't fair.

273
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,719
You're expected to move past it,
work through it. Get over it.

274
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:31,097
Women don't get over...

275
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:32,807
anything.

276
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,519
No, we don't get over it.

277
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,063
Instead, we hold onto it.

278
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,941
We hold onto that rejection.

279
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:43,025
We hold onto it.

280
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:47,363
We pluck it out of space-time
and we examine it from hindsight.

281
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,948
We put it in different scenarios.

282
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:51,617
We bring in experts, like,
"Stacy, get over here!

283
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:56,539
Remember that guy,
took me to Coachella, never called again?

284
00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:57,748
Shall we drive to his house?"

285
00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:04,672
And sometimes... we hold onto the pain
of our rejection

286
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,257
so tight...

287
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,217
that they become part...

288
00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:11,262
of the makeup of our personalities.

289
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:15,892
And then we get to use the pain
of that past rejection, ladies,

290
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:22,482
as an excuse for why we are the weird
brand of fucked-up that we are, now!

291
00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:32,783
'Cause he broke up with me over breakfast,

292
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:36,412
so now I don't drink milk, and I'm
annoying. Like, it's always... something.

293
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:41,501
Every girl in here remembers
almost every time she was rejected.

294
00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:43,836
For women, it doesn't happen as much
as for men.

295
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,924
And every human remembers the first
time they were rejected. I'll go first.

296
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,342
Fourth grade. So...

297
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:53,471
We were going to sit down for circle time.

298
00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,892
I went and sat by a boy
that I thought was cute.

299
00:16:57,975 --> 00:16:59,477
And he told me to go away.

300
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,730
Now, he's dead.

301
00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,443
Now I don't sit in circles any more.

302
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:11,739
But we cherish our rejections.

303
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,908
They give us texture, personality.

304
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,993
We take each one and we label it.

305
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:19,830
We label each issue, each past grievance,
in its own Mason jar.

306
00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:21,749
It's very rustic. Pin it. And we put it...

307
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:26,128
into our sack of emotional baggage.
Each one.

308
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,631
He broke up with me
because I slept with his brother.

309
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,467
They're twins. They should have worn
different color hats or something.

310
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,345
I was set up. And we put it...

311
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:37,640
into our baggage, and we throw
that baggage over our shoulder

312
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,392
and what do we do, girls?

313
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:44,397
We then walk it into the <i>new </i>relationship.

314
00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:48,985
Yes. And the best part is,
the new boyfriend...

315
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,070
has no idea...

316
00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,242
what you're hauling.

317
00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:59,787
And he welcomes you.
Yes, he welcomes you

318
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,038
to the new union.

319
00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:04,417
Come on in. You seem pretty cool
and well-adjusted.

320
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,628
And you're, like, "Oh, I am!

321
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:14,302
Yes, this seems like a safe place
for me to...

322
00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,555
unpack my shit!"

323
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,983
Another big reason
women don't hit on men

324
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:33,946
is because men... typically don't find
strong women attractive.

325
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:37,658
They don't. Your date's going
to look at you, like, "No way, babe.

326
00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:40,745
I love a strong woman."
Bullshit, Chad, okay?

327
00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:44,999
They love vulnerability.

328
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,835
It's very attractive
when a woman is vulnerable.

329
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:48,794
Why is that?

330
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,588
Men are very physical creatures.

331
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:52,798
Women are very verbal.
Men are very physical.

332
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,926
When a woman is vulnerable,
hypothetically, it would mean...

333
00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,720
that she needs physical help.

334
00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:00,473
When a man feels he can be of help,
physically,

335
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:03,726
then he feels needed, and that makes
him feel good and attractive.

336
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,771
When a man feels he can insert himself.
No pun intended.

337
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:10,066
Fuck it. We're making a comedy show.
Pun intended, okay?

338
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,194
You got to give him something to do.

339
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:15,613
We, as women, a lot of times fault men

340
00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:17,823
for not communicating the way we do.

341
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:20,242
Women speak more words on average
than men.

342
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:23,996
It's not that one's better or dumber
than the other, it's the way we are.

343
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:27,291
We talk <i>at </i>you. "I wanna be communicative
about being communicative.

344
00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:30,294
You're not saying anything. Why?
You're being uncommunicative.

345
00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:34,423
And I want to talk about how much I hate
Stacy. When you meet her, you're gonna."

346
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,466
We have to have...

347
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:39,136
He's just sitting there, like,
"Mongo, no." Like, it's scary.

348
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:43,849
If you have any doubt a guy likes you,

349
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:46,560
don't always look for the words,
look for the actions.

350
00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:47,770
They will show you.

351
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,564
I wish someone had told this to me
when I was in my 20s.

352
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:53,859
When you're younger, you're, like,
"He's not texting back. He's busy.

353
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,361
He's at work. His family died."

354
00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:56,946
There's no bullshit like that.

355
00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,990
When a guy likes you, he shows up.

356
00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:02,743
If you have any doubt the guy likes you,

357
00:20:02,827 --> 00:20:04,453
give him something to do.

358
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,205
If a guy likes you, he'll do anything.

359
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,541
Will you carry this glittery brick
of cat shit?

360
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:09,750
He's, like, "No problem."

361
00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:18,759
When a guy likes you,
carrying your purse isn't an issue.

362
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,553
They'll carry your bags if they're heavy.

363
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:23,264
They'll put gas in the car
if you don't want to deal.

364
00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,182
They'll check under the hood for the...

365
00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:26,726
thing, I don't know.

366
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:27,852
But they'll do that.

367
00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:33,649
It's very attractive when a woman
is vulnerable and needs help.

368
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,985
And that's historically
always been that way.

369
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,362
I didn't make that up.
That's why the term is...

370
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:39,905
<i>"damsel</i> in distress".

371
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:43,200
Not "overly opinionated dyke
who needs a fucking hand, man!"

372
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:44,118
That's why.

373
00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:52,168
If a woman can do it herself,
it's not as attractive. Put it this way.

374
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,878
If we're all animals, okay?

375
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:55,254
And men are...

376
00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:56,213
lions.

377
00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:59,425
And women are, like, gazelles.

378
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:02,636
What's a lion, if he's hungry,
more likely to go after?

379
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:05,181
The gazelle, running at 90,

380
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,349
unencumbered by a self-esteem issue?

381
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:09,769
Like, I own my home and have a Ph.D.

382
00:21:24,742 --> 00:21:27,703
I enjoy witty banter,
I just put a down payment on a boat,

383
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,080
and I don't hate my daddy. Onward!

384
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:36,504
Or...

385
00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:40,216
remember he's hungry. Or...

386
00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:44,303
the gazelle with the broken hoof, like,
"Help, how does basketball work?"

387
00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:45,221
Like, what?

388
00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:50,810
An easier meal.

389
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:55,564
Side note.

390
00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:59,193
I am aware that it's the lioness
not the lion that does the hunting.

391
00:21:59,276 --> 00:22:03,155
Let's pretend that lion was a bachelor
and hadn't met his wife yet. Okay, so...

392
00:22:03,906 --> 00:22:05,908
We got the zoologist questions
out of the way.

393
00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:08,285
So...

394
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,371
I will stand up here,

395
00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:13,958
and perhaps women in your life you
consider strong will stand before you

396
00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:17,169
and tell you,
"Be strong, do it your way, be tough."

397
00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:20,464
It's one thing to say that,
and for a lot of women

398
00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:22,424
it's very difficult to live that

399
00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:25,511
when everything that we're taught
tells us the opposite.

400
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:28,264
Every movie we've seen
since we were little girls

401
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,765
has an opposite message.

402
00:22:29,849 --> 00:22:32,184
In movies, it's not the strong girl,

403
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,603
the funny girl, the brave girl,

404
00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:38,983
the smart girl, the loud girl,
the opinionated girl who gets the hot guy.

405
00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:43,320
No, girls like me get, like, fucking Steve
Zahn and Jonah Hill. Like, that's what...

406
00:22:44,572 --> 00:22:48,534
She <i>is </i>funny, he <i>looks </i>funny, then they'll
fuck funny and appreciate each other.

407
00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:50,119
And it's always...

408
00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:53,747
it's always the quiet girl.

409
00:22:53,831 --> 00:22:56,125
Right, the new girl that gets, like,
Channing Tatum.

410
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:59,879
It's always the girl that doesn't realize
how beautiful she is.

411
00:22:59,962 --> 00:23:02,506
The girl that isn't funny,
isn't opinionated.

412
00:23:02,590 --> 00:23:06,010
The subtext of that message is,
"That's right. That's right, girls.

413
00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:09,638
Men don't like a lippy woman,
so zip it, honey."

414
00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:13,893
It's always the girl
that doesn't know she's hot.

415
00:23:13,976 --> 00:23:16,937
Which, by the way,
that Hollywood archetype? Bullshit.

416
00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:19,398
Okay? It's bullshit.

417
00:23:21,859 --> 00:23:23,944
Because you fucking know when you're hot.

418
00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:26,614
No one's walking around, like,

419
00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:29,408
"What do I do with these giant tits
and thin legs?"

420
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:38,417
How did I get on this Victoria's Secret
catwalk? I'm choking on my silky hair."

421
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:39,960
Like, you know.

422
00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:46,050
We keep seeing the same story
over and over.

423
00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:48,636
It's about the girl
that's unsure of herself,

424
00:23:48,719 --> 00:23:50,304
and a guy sees through it,

425
00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:53,515
and she realizes how beautiful she is
when she takes off her glasses...

426
00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:54,975
it's the same thing.

427
00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:58,395
Always the girl, like,
"I don't know if I should go out."

428
00:23:58,479 --> 00:24:01,148
The girls that are outgoing that maybe
enjoy their bodies,

429
00:24:01,231 --> 00:24:02,942
are confident, like, "Let's go out!"

430
00:24:03,025 --> 00:24:06,779
"I don't know. I should stay home.
I've never left the house before."

431
00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:11,742
We're taking you out. Let's go drink,
let's go dance...

432
00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:13,619
I should stay in. Stay in and study.

433
00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:17,039
We're 35. What are you
fucking talking about? Let's go!

434
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:22,252
Walk into the nightclub,

435
00:24:22,336 --> 00:24:25,047
all the girls that are confident
are dancing, they're having fun.

436
00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:29,051
Like, "Hey, Channing Tatum!"
He's, like, "Later, hookers. I want her!"

437
00:24:29,677 --> 00:24:30,511
All the girls...

438
00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:32,262
"Uh-uh. Her."

439
00:24:32,346 --> 00:24:35,599
Cut to our hero, she's just sitting there
in a corner, just...

440
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:39,395
maybe she wore, like, board shorts
to the club. She has no idea.

441
00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:41,313
She's reading a book.

442
00:24:42,272 --> 00:24:44,566
Maybe she has brown hair. Whatever.

443
00:24:48,070 --> 00:24:49,488
Before you get all offended at that,

444
00:24:49,571 --> 00:24:52,282
look at all of our eyebrows.
We all have brown hair, okay.

445
00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:55,494
Maybe not you, I don't know.

446
00:24:56,787 --> 00:24:59,081
I don't see any
pure Norwegians here, okay?

447
00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:04,920
This joke isn't about
shaming that type of woman.

448
00:25:05,254 --> 00:25:07,047
This joke is not about that.

449
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:09,049
Whatever kind of woman you are,

450
00:25:09,133 --> 00:25:11,677
quiet, fat, small, big or tall,

451
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,721
loud, you don't know much,
you got a gill,

452
00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:15,472
whatever kind of woman you are...

453
00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,267
you are right.

454
00:25:19,059 --> 00:25:19,893
That's it.

455
00:25:20,269 --> 00:25:22,271
Whatever you've chosen to be...

456
00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:25,190
whatever you want to be...

457
00:25:27,484 --> 00:25:30,612
you are correct in being that
as long as you're happy.

458
00:25:30,696 --> 00:25:34,324
My point to you, is if you are
the shy type,

459
00:25:34,408 --> 00:25:36,410
if you are the wallflower,

460
00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:38,328
if you are the shrinking violet,

461
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:41,957
if you are another... floral metaphor
that has to do...

462
00:25:42,875 --> 00:25:45,210
with being an introvert,
my point to you

463
00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:50,632
is that you don't want the guy who wants
you because of that energy.

464
00:25:50,841 --> 00:25:53,969
A man who wants a woman
because she looks scared...

465
00:25:54,595 --> 00:25:56,055
is a sexual predator.

466
00:25:58,724 --> 00:25:59,558
Okay?

467
00:26:02,728 --> 00:26:04,855
All these girls that he could hit on,

468
00:26:04,938 --> 00:26:07,941
he picks the one that's shivering
like a wet chihuahua.

469
00:26:08,984 --> 00:26:12,488
Like a nervous street urchin
just in a corner

470
00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:14,448
putting out all kinds of "no" vibes.

471
00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:17,451
You don't want the guy that walks up,
like, "Excuse me.

472
00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:19,953
I couldn't help but notice
you look terrified.

473
00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:25,709
Wanna see my dick?" So...

474
00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:31,757
"I was out with my buddies.

475
00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:34,384
I wasn't looking for anyone.

476
00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:37,596
And I saw her."

477
00:26:38,806 --> 00:26:40,390
The idea...

478
00:26:41,016 --> 00:26:43,143
that in a nightlife setting...

479
00:26:43,644 --> 00:26:46,313
that the man would ever see the woman...

480
00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:49,942
before the woman saw the man.

481
00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:57,032
No.

482
00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:02,704
Women are astute, but moreover, women
are the ones with the biological clocks.

483
00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:06,291
Women are the ones with
the socially predetermined shelf life.

484
00:27:06,375 --> 00:27:09,711
Women are the ones who are cantilevered
off the edge of high heels.

485
00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:11,755
We've got five hours
before we take them off

486
00:27:11,839 --> 00:27:13,632
and walk through a lobby flat-foot, okay.

487
00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:17,344
Women are the ones whose skin
and foundation is dehydrating

488
00:27:17,427 --> 00:27:19,346
with every alcoholic beverage imbibed.

489
00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:23,517
We are the ones on a time crunch,
on a schedule, okay?

490
00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:25,102
You saw me first?

491
00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:26,603
Bullshit, motherfucker.

492
00:27:26,687 --> 00:27:27,604
I clocked you!

493
00:27:36,613 --> 00:27:39,074
Like, the second you walked in.

494
00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:43,245
Dudes walk in in a pack, unaware, like,
"I'd better fill out this bracket,

495
00:27:43,328 --> 00:27:46,165
or I'll turn into a pumpkin at midnight."
You're not even...

496
00:27:46,874 --> 00:27:50,043
You walked in, I was already hunting
with five other women.

497
00:27:50,627 --> 00:27:52,713
He walked in and I was, like, "Hold!"

498
00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:54,798
And then we stalked around you.

499
00:27:57,676 --> 00:28:00,971
Encircled you, sussed you out,
like a German shepherd

500
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:05,017
sniffing out an IED in the sand,
motherfucker. Like, we...

501
00:28:06,852 --> 00:28:11,398
A lot of times, men pride themselves
on being very observant, right?

502
00:28:11,607 --> 00:28:13,442
Ever date a guy that,
you go to a restaurant,

503
00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:15,861
can't sit with his back to the door?

504
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:20,532
"I gotta sit with my back to the wall
so I can assess all entrance

505
00:28:20,616 --> 00:28:23,285
and exit points. I gotta make sure that..."

506
00:28:23,368 --> 00:28:25,996
Okay, while you're checking out
the people eating at Denny's,

507
00:28:26,079 --> 00:28:28,415
I checked your fucking credit score, okay?

508
00:28:30,584 --> 00:28:32,711
While you were doing counter-surveillance,

509
00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:36,256
I looked you up and down,
I gave you a pre-cancer mole check.

510
00:28:36,340 --> 00:28:38,592
It's benign, move on.
I looked at everything.

511
00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:42,971
"I'm an alpha. I gotta look at the door."

512
00:28:43,138 --> 00:28:46,391
If you ever date a man that says
he's an alpha...

513
00:28:46,934 --> 00:28:47,976
he's a beta. So...

514
00:28:50,187 --> 00:28:51,980
A lion doesn't tell you he's a lion.

515
00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:55,192
He just lets the girl hunt for him.
Okay, so...

516
00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:59,905
So, we look at everything.
You think men judge women harshly?

517
00:28:59,988 --> 00:29:03,742
They do. But, gentlemen, you have no idea
what we're looking at.

518
00:29:04,618 --> 00:29:06,662
We're judging your hair, your shoes,

519
00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:09,122
we scan you, like Predator.

520
00:29:10,916 --> 00:29:15,170
Every atom, every molecule of your DNA,
we go through it like...

521
00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:18,590
"Scanning for physical abnormalities.

522
00:29:22,469 --> 00:29:25,847
Is he balding? Okay, but is it in
a weird way?

523
00:29:35,232 --> 00:29:37,693
Is that a goatee? What's happening there?

524
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,827
Is his shirt unbuttoned too low
for his ethnicity?

525
00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:57,004
Is he wearing embroidered jeans?

526
00:29:57,087 --> 00:30:01,341
If so, is he a European male
or just someone from Arizona?"

527
00:30:01,425 --> 00:30:02,718
Like, we go through it.

528
00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:07,222
We go through it.

529
00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:15,772
We aren't looking to see
if you're the hottest guy ever. Nay.

530
00:30:15,856 --> 00:30:20,360
We are merely assessing
if you're 50% attractive enough

531
00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:24,489
that we want to put the effort
into putting ourselves in your orbit.

532
00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:29,578
So that, in an hour, after a drink or two,
you, gentlemen, have the luxury

533
00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:33,582
of turning around and being, like, "Oh,
excuse me, I couldn't help but notice."

534
00:30:33,665 --> 00:30:35,167
Then we turn around, like...

535
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:36,585
Really?

536
00:30:39,296 --> 00:30:41,965
That's it.
Just set it up for you to knock it down.

537
00:30:43,592 --> 00:30:48,138
A lot of times it's not that easy.
We see a guy we think is cute...

538
00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:52,601
and he doesn't notice us,
so we have to <i>make</i> you... notice us.

539
00:30:53,477 --> 00:30:56,396
A lot of times, we get our girlfriend
to help us. Every girl's done this.

540
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,149
There's a boy over there you think
is cute, you're, like, "Come here.

541
00:31:00,901 --> 00:31:02,235
Do you see that guy, over there?

542
00:31:04,613 --> 00:31:05,489
Over there.

543
00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:07,699
Over there.

544
00:31:08,492 --> 00:31:10,827
Do you see him? Do you see that guy?
Are you looking?

545
00:31:10,911 --> 00:31:12,829
Don't look!
Do you see him? Are you looking?

546
00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:16,083
Is he looking? He's looking? He's looking?
Start dancing.

547
00:31:23,131 --> 00:31:26,676
Come here, keep talking. Say something
funny so I don't look like a loser."

548
00:31:31,515 --> 00:31:33,016
You're trying to put out...

549
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:35,727
this vibe that you're so carefree.

550
00:31:35,811 --> 00:31:39,689
'Cause you, and don't lie about this,
you want him to look over and be, like,

551
00:31:39,773 --> 00:31:43,527
"There will never be another, there
has never been another. She is the one."

552
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:45,779
You want him to be so taken.

553
00:31:45,862 --> 00:31:48,365
"She looks like she doesn't need a man,
so carefree."

554
00:31:48,448 --> 00:31:50,325
I'm so carefree, I don't use condoms!

555
00:31:54,246 --> 00:31:55,080
So effortless.

556
00:31:58,291 --> 00:32:02,295
If he was close, he wouldn't be hearing
it. From afar, you want him to hear...

557
00:32:02,379 --> 00:32:03,547
Sports.

558
00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:06,383
If he were close,
what he'd actually hear is your...

559
00:32:06,466 --> 00:32:08,343
Like, you're trying so hard.

560
00:32:08,718 --> 00:32:09,553
Please!

561
00:32:12,055 --> 00:32:14,766
He's going to find you,
he'll see you at some point.

562
00:32:14,850 --> 00:32:18,437
There's only so many places in a bar,
a club, that your eyes can fall.

563
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:21,690
He's going to see you.
This is the important part girls, okay?

564
00:32:21,773 --> 00:32:24,151
You're out there,
it's a competitive situation.

565
00:32:24,234 --> 00:32:26,486
There's a lot of girls,
there's a lot of bars.

566
00:32:26,570 --> 00:32:29,406
He's gonna look at you,
that's your chance, okay?

567
00:32:29,573 --> 00:32:31,408
That's your chance.
You've only got one shot.

568
00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:34,327
It's like <i>8 Mile,</i> but with flirting.

569
00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:38,498
Hopefully there's no vomit on your shirt.

570
00:32:39,875 --> 00:32:43,086
Maybe it's a good thing. He'd be, like,
"She parties!" I don't know.

571
00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:47,424
He's going to look over, the lights
are going to reflect and refract,

572
00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:49,509
and they'll hit you both and
he's gonna see you,

573
00:32:49,593 --> 00:32:51,219
and that's your chance, ladies,

574
00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:52,929
to fucking stick it, and pose,

575
00:32:53,013 --> 00:32:55,140
like a peacock in heat that you are.
Just...

576
00:33:10,864 --> 00:33:12,240
Don't dance like that.

577
00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:16,411
Little bit of insight to stand-up comedy,

578
00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:19,080
and the risk and reward
with choosing certain jokes.

579
00:33:19,164 --> 00:33:21,458
That joke is a risk because I realize

580
00:33:21,541 --> 00:33:24,419
not every one here knows...
what a peacock sounds like.

581
00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:29,174
But for, like, the 12 of you that knew,

582
00:33:29,508 --> 00:33:31,259
it was so worth it for me.

583
00:33:38,433 --> 00:33:40,143
And for the rest of you,

584
00:33:40,227 --> 00:33:42,896
the good news is
you don't ever have to hear a peacock,

585
00:33:42,979 --> 00:33:46,775
'cause that was, like, top ten peacock
impressions you're going to hear...

586
00:33:47,275 --> 00:33:48,151
tonight.

587
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:55,575
I hate it. I hate the noise.
I'm allowed to make fun of peacocks,

588
00:33:55,659 --> 00:33:57,035
'cause I grew up with them.

589
00:33:58,537 --> 00:34:01,623
What I find so unsettling,
if I might divert from the stand-up

590
00:34:01,706 --> 00:34:04,668
to a TED Talk about ornithology
for two seconds, the...

591
00:34:04,918 --> 00:34:07,712
it's the dip in the mating call
that gives me...

592
00:34:09,714 --> 00:34:10,715
It's just not...

593
00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:16,221
We, as avian enthusiasts, which is
why you've come to my comedy show...

594
00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:20,559
enjoy consistency in a mating call.

595
00:34:20,642 --> 00:34:22,894
Like, a crow or a raven is like...

596
00:34:22,978 --> 00:34:24,938
It just goes. Right?

597
00:34:25,855 --> 00:34:30,610
And a dove and its low-rent cousin,
the pigeon, that's just...

598
00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:34,030
Right?

599
00:34:37,033 --> 00:34:39,327
The dove and the bird it
loans money to, just...

600
00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:44,624
Right? And we all know a warbler
goes like...

601
00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:47,419
"I'm a warbler." I don't know. And then...

602
00:34:49,379 --> 00:34:50,880
and the bald eagle is, like,

603
00:34:50,964 --> 00:34:53,133
"Fucking freedom!" Okay, so...

604
00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:54,926
we know.

605
00:34:57,220 --> 00:35:00,724
To me, the peacock sounds
like a tired hooker.

606
00:35:02,017 --> 00:35:05,937
Like he's just standing on the corner,
like, "You want a fuck or what?

607
00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:17,365
I already paid for the room."

608
00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:22,579
Another side note,
I realize the peacock is the male.

609
00:35:22,662 --> 00:35:24,414
They're the ones with the plumage.

610
00:35:24,497 --> 00:35:27,500
The female peacock is a peahen.
Their colors are muted.

611
00:35:27,584 --> 00:35:30,837
So really it's a feminist joke
'cause it's about a male prostitute.

612
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:32,422
Mmm, okay, so...

613
00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:41,723
So you peacock and he sees you, and he
walks up. "I couldn't help but notice..."

614
00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:44,809
And you start talking,
maybe you have some drinks,

615
00:35:44,893 --> 00:35:48,396
maybe you dance, maybe you exchange
numbers, maybe you start to date.

616
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:53,026
Now, I happen to think the very beginning
of a new relationship

617
00:35:53,109 --> 00:35:55,695
is the most exciting part
of the relationship.

618
00:35:55,779 --> 00:35:57,447
Granted, I'm not married yet,

619
00:35:57,530 --> 00:36:00,533
so, technically, I've only had beginnings
of relationships.

620
00:36:01,618 --> 00:36:05,705
I don't know. I can't say empirically
how fun being married is.

621
00:36:05,789 --> 00:36:09,084
I'll tell you on the next comedy special
what that's all about.

622
00:36:10,043 --> 00:36:11,127
But I don't know.

623
00:36:13,630 --> 00:36:17,300
The beginning of a relationship
is exciting because it's brand new.

624
00:36:17,384 --> 00:36:19,094
You're both on your best behavior,

625
00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:20,553
it's still electric,

626
00:36:20,637 --> 00:36:24,933
you're not totally sure about the history
of mental illness in each family.

627
00:36:25,016 --> 00:36:25,850
It's fun.

628
00:36:25,934 --> 00:36:28,937
And the most nerve-wracking part
of a new relationship

629
00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:30,105
when you're younger,

630
00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:33,400
is the first time a boy comes over
to your apartment.

631
00:36:33,775 --> 00:36:37,278
'Cause it's ostensibly like
your girlfriend audition time.

632
00:36:37,362 --> 00:36:41,741
You want him to come in and be, like,
"It's so homey. I'd like to stay forever."

633
00:36:41,825 --> 00:36:43,993
Yes, come closer.
Like, that's what you want.

634
00:36:44,494 --> 00:36:46,788
You try so hard in your 20s, right?

635
00:36:46,871 --> 00:36:50,083
Because you're young, and it's fun.
That's your 20s. In your 30s...

636
00:36:52,252 --> 00:36:54,838
In your 30s,
homeboy knocks on the door, you open it,

637
00:36:54,921 --> 00:36:58,258
you're in combat boots, nothing else,
and a garbage can on fire, you're, like,

638
00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:00,051
"Welcome to Fuckdome, Scott."

639
00:37:06,558 --> 00:37:07,851
Ticket? Okay, so...

640
00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:14,190
But it's interesting, in your 20s,
it's a weird mental game.

641
00:37:14,274 --> 00:37:17,652
Boy's coming over for the first time,
you're trying to reconcile

642
00:37:17,944 --> 00:37:21,906
the beautiful home that your mother kept
that you lived in growing up,

643
00:37:21,990 --> 00:37:26,828
with the beautiful home that, like,
Pinterest says you're supposed to have.

644
00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:30,206
And the fact that you have
no fucking money, so...

645
00:37:30,874 --> 00:37:33,668
Should I buy a rug or eat dinner?
I don't know.

646
00:37:33,752 --> 00:37:34,711
It's so hard.

647
00:37:35,170 --> 00:37:37,672
Boy's coming over, you are cleaning

648
00:37:37,756 --> 00:37:40,717
like you've never cleaned before,
and it's hard

649
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:44,179
because women secretly are... filthy.

650
00:37:45,388 --> 00:37:47,974
No one wants to laugh about it. "Not me!"

651
00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:51,519
And no guy wants to imagine, like,
"No way, my girlfriend's so hot."

652
00:37:51,603 --> 00:37:55,732
Yeah? You think you have a hot girlfriend?
Check the center console of her car.

653
00:38:01,154 --> 00:38:02,864
She's owned that car for a decade.

654
00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:05,283
Every year, the shit just piles up.

655
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:08,995
You open it, like, "I didn't know an Acura
came with a time capsule!" You shut it.

656
00:38:10,497 --> 00:38:11,539
You open it again.

657
00:38:11,623 --> 00:38:14,125
You just hear, "Help!"
There's something in there.

658
00:38:14,709 --> 00:38:17,545
It's our little filthy secret stockpile,
right?

659
00:38:17,629 --> 00:38:21,549
It's a <i>Now That's What I Call Music </i>CD.
"In case they come back!" Yeah.

660
00:38:21,633 --> 00:38:26,095
It's one of those cables that plugs
from the tape player into the CD player.

661
00:38:26,179 --> 00:38:29,182
It's spilled nail polish,
it's a little bit of weed dust.

662
00:38:29,265 --> 00:38:33,770
It's a... Calgon body spray, 'cause you'd
rather smell like a stripper than weed.

663
00:38:34,854 --> 00:38:38,233
It's that...
It's a Lip Smacker, Dr Pepper flavor,

664
00:38:38,316 --> 00:38:41,402
that's just... lying there with a gash
in the wax neck,

665
00:38:41,486 --> 00:38:44,364
like, "Tell my children I died well."
Like it's...

666
00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:47,575
it's an iPhone 4 charger.

667
00:38:49,619 --> 00:38:51,162
It's some McDonald's napkins.

668
00:38:52,205 --> 00:38:53,540
It's a French fry.

669
00:38:55,750 --> 00:38:58,878
Times that center console by a million...

670
00:38:58,962 --> 00:39:00,463
in her apartment.

671
00:39:00,547 --> 00:39:04,217
You are just cleaning
with Swiffer and Brawny.

672
00:39:04,300 --> 00:39:06,719
It's like a winter wonderland
of paper towels.

673
00:39:06,803 --> 00:39:09,222
You're just shoving shit under the rugs.

674
00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:11,474
You didn't build a shelf,
I dunno how that fucking works.

675
00:39:11,558 --> 00:39:14,102
You're just moving everything,
you take everything...

676
00:39:14,185 --> 00:39:17,689
You put your coats in the oven.
Burn 'em! I live in L.A. Take everything.

677
00:39:18,189 --> 00:39:22,485
Put your cat in a hamper for now, Marbles.
We don't know how he feels about cats.

678
00:39:23,069 --> 00:39:27,365
Taking everything, you're cleaning. You're
discovering new rooms in your apartment.

679
00:39:27,448 --> 00:39:30,159
How come the water heater
gets its own closet? Fuck it!

680
00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:35,164
You beg your gross-out roommate,
"Please, just stay in your room.

681
00:39:35,248 --> 00:39:36,666
You're so fucking disgusting."

682
00:39:36,749 --> 00:39:40,211
She's there, on a throne
of Wendy's wrappers, like, "Okay!

683
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:45,341
You text me dick pics."
Hello. Shut the door.

684
00:39:45,884 --> 00:39:50,096
Cleaning. Lighting Glade candles
like it's a fucking Catholic mass.

685
00:39:50,179 --> 00:39:53,224
Smells like ham in here!
You're just trying to make it nice.

686
00:39:53,308 --> 00:39:56,394
He opens the door. You're, like, "Hi!"
He walks in. He's, like,

687
00:39:56,769 --> 00:39:58,730
"Oh, place is cool."
You're, like, "Fuck you."

688
00:40:12,619 --> 00:40:14,203
And there's an art, by the way,

689
00:40:14,287 --> 00:40:18,374
to the outfit you wear the first time
a boy comes over to your place at night.

690
00:40:19,250 --> 00:40:22,754
You don't want to wear...
what you wore during the day.

691
00:40:22,837 --> 00:40:26,716
Don't want work clothes. You don't want
to wear your daytime clothes, 'cause...

692
00:40:27,467 --> 00:40:28,635
'cause it's nighttime.

693
00:40:29,469 --> 00:40:31,304
What if that was the end of my show?

694
00:40:32,639 --> 00:40:33,723
I hit my head.

695
00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:38,102
You don't want to wear
your civilian clothes, okay.

696
00:40:38,186 --> 00:40:40,939
'Cause you had a whole day. Maybe you
sweat in them, they're gross.

697
00:40:41,022 --> 00:40:43,900
However, at the other end
of the sartorial spectrum,

698
00:40:43,983 --> 00:40:49,614
you don't want to go, like, super hardcore
sexy the first time a guy's coming over.

699
00:40:49,697 --> 00:40:52,575
Just relax. You don't want to wear
nipple tassels. Now...

700
00:40:54,077 --> 00:40:55,912
some women are, like, "Wait a minute."

701
00:40:57,497 --> 00:41:00,708
I am the woman that has stood here before

702
00:41:00,792 --> 00:41:03,044
and will stand here before you again
and let you know

703
00:41:03,127 --> 00:41:04,796
you can wear whatever you want.

704
00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:08,716
It doesn't give a man the right to put
his hands on you. No always means no.

705
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:10,969
That's like a boiler-plated given.

706
00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:18,226
No means no. Kindergarteners get it.

707
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:21,479
I don't know why we forget that
as adult males, but...

708
00:41:22,021 --> 00:41:24,732
no means no. This is less about that,

709
00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:28,569
and more about just being mentally kind
to the other person.

710
00:41:28,653 --> 00:41:31,030
You show up in that,
he'll be, like, "Oh, my god!"

711
00:41:31,114 --> 00:41:34,033
The blood's gonna go from here
to his dick, he's gonna impale himself,

712
00:41:34,117 --> 00:41:36,577
he's gonna sue you,
and you ain't got no money. So...

713
00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,790
just be kind,
because, mentally, it's like,

714
00:41:40,873 --> 00:41:44,127
"Maybe she wants me. I don't know.
Oh, my god." It's frustrating.

715
00:41:44,210 --> 00:41:47,130
You know, girls, it'd be like
if you have the worst day,

716
00:41:47,213 --> 00:41:49,257
you came home to your boyfriend, like...

717
00:41:50,133 --> 00:41:51,217
"I had the worst day.

718
00:41:51,300 --> 00:41:52,385
I got fired, and...

719
00:41:52,885 --> 00:41:54,887
I cried in front of everyone

720
00:41:54,971 --> 00:41:56,973
and... I ate that French fry from my car.

721
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:01,144
It was just such a hard day."

722
00:42:01,227 --> 00:42:05,023
Your boyfriend's like, "Aw, babe. You want
to talk about it?" You're, like, "Yeah."

723
00:42:05,106 --> 00:42:08,026
He's, like, "Just kidding. Psych."
That's what it would be like.

724
00:42:09,944 --> 00:42:13,406
So the question is, if I can't wear work
clothes, I can't wear nipple tassels,

725
00:42:13,489 --> 00:42:14,907
what's a girl to do?

726
00:42:15,783 --> 00:42:19,287
There's an entire, sort of intermediary,

727
00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:23,041
post-dinner, pre-bedtime apparel world.

728
00:42:23,124 --> 00:42:25,126
There's a whole category of clothing

729
00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:28,337
that you, as women, have mastered
without even realizing it.

730
00:42:28,421 --> 00:42:30,089
The category is called

731
00:42:30,173 --> 00:42:31,340
athleisure wear.

732
00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:37,764
This is an entire clothing category.

733
00:42:37,847 --> 00:42:41,267
It's a multi-billion-dollar
clothing category

734
00:42:41,350 --> 00:42:43,436
predicated on the idea that, as a woman,

735
00:42:43,519 --> 00:42:45,605
sometimes you don't have time to change

736
00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:48,941
when you're going from the boardroom
to Pilates. There's no fucking way.

737
00:42:49,025 --> 00:42:50,151
You gotta be ready.

738
00:42:50,485 --> 00:42:53,279
Sometimes you're going right from spin
to open-heart surgery,

739
00:42:53,362 --> 00:42:55,281
and you've got to look good.
That's...

740
00:42:55,364 --> 00:42:57,950
Spin to open-heart surgery?
How about my bed to my couch?

741
00:42:58,034 --> 00:42:59,577
What are you fucking talking about?

742
00:43:00,661 --> 00:43:05,083
So what is athleisure wear? It's athletic
apparel you wouldn't really work out in.

743
00:43:05,166 --> 00:43:08,377
Right? So it's... yoga pants
with, like, a racing stripe.

744
00:43:08,461 --> 00:43:10,088
You just... race to your snacks.

745
00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:15,802
Sometimes it's like
a complicated tank top.

746
00:43:17,178 --> 00:43:19,180
It's, like, not quite supportive.

747
00:43:19,263 --> 00:43:20,932
They're, like, "It's backless."

748
00:43:21,015 --> 00:43:23,142
What do you do?
"You don't wear a bra."

749
00:43:23,226 --> 00:43:25,061
I'm sorry, what the fuck did you just say?

750
00:43:27,522 --> 00:43:28,523
I don't wear a bra?

751
00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:32,401
So if the athletic part comes into play,
and I have to run, it's gonna be...

752
00:43:32,485 --> 00:43:33,945
No!

753
00:43:36,489 --> 00:43:39,492
My whole life...
they've been pitching to me,

754
00:43:39,575 --> 00:43:41,953
"It's a tank top,
there's a shelf built in."

755
00:43:42,870 --> 00:43:44,747
It's a... Go fuck your <i>shelf, </i>okay?

756
00:43:44,831 --> 00:43:45,665
I want a bra.

757
00:43:46,749 --> 00:43:47,708
I want a bra!

758
00:43:53,339 --> 00:43:56,467
We do that. Sometimes we'll do, like,
a push-up bra under the tank.

759
00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:59,679
Show the strap off.
It's got to be a cute strap. Not beige.

760
00:43:59,762 --> 00:44:01,264
No one goes, "Ooh, beige."

761
00:44:03,349 --> 00:44:05,810
Like magenta.
'Cause that's not as sexy as red.

762
00:44:05,893 --> 00:44:08,896
Magenta's like, "Maybe we'll fuck."
Red's like, "We're gonna fuck!"

763
00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:12,608
Push-up bra.
That's what we do for you, gentlemen.

764
00:44:12,692 --> 00:44:14,652
You have no idea... of the sacrifices.

765
00:44:16,154 --> 00:44:20,366
Not a woman here wears a push-up bra
when she's at home with the flu.

766
00:44:22,118 --> 00:44:25,872
No one walking around, like, "I just like
it when my nipples are near my tongue."

767
00:44:27,832 --> 00:44:29,333
It's just safer that way.

768
00:44:31,377 --> 00:44:32,879
He gets to be comfortable.

769
00:44:33,212 --> 00:44:36,382
You're all bundled up, sitting there
in a push-up bra on your couch,

770
00:44:36,465 --> 00:44:39,010
drinking with this dude
you're having a date with.

771
00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:40,928
He's got his shoes off, shirt off.

772
00:44:41,012 --> 00:44:44,182
You're suffocating under your own tits,
watching <i>House Hunters.</i>

773
00:44:45,266 --> 00:44:46,267
Crown molding.

774
00:44:51,898 --> 00:44:55,484
You're all dressed up, have a nice night.
Maybe sleep together, maybe you don't.

775
00:44:55,568 --> 00:44:59,655
That's not what I'm interested in. What I
want to talk about is the next morning,

776
00:44:59,739 --> 00:45:01,449
when he goes to leave.

777
00:45:01,824 --> 00:45:04,410
What I've always found so endearing
about men...

778
00:45:04,493 --> 00:45:06,454
I find many things endearing about you.

779
00:45:06,996 --> 00:45:07,872
But...

780
00:45:09,415 --> 00:45:12,084
you think... we stay...

781
00:45:12,168 --> 00:45:13,836
that put-together...

782
00:45:14,712 --> 00:45:15,880
once you're gone.

783
00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:19,175
You have no idea.

784
00:45:20,301 --> 00:45:22,553
They have no idea... what lies beneath.

785
00:45:22,637 --> 00:45:27,516
You have no idea... that under the hair,
and the make-up, and the lashes,

786
00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:29,602
and the shelf, and the bras...

787
00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:31,312
for every woman,

788
00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:32,939
lies the beating heart

789
00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:34,357
of a hungry...

790
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:35,691
exhausted...

791
00:45:35,775 --> 00:45:36,984
annoyed...

792
00:45:37,068 --> 00:45:39,195
she-dragon!

793
00:45:46,494 --> 00:45:49,956
And she is waiting to come out.
She comes out every couple hours.

794
00:45:50,039 --> 00:45:54,168
Like opinions, sweat, urine. Hopefully you
pee more than every couple hours, still.

795
00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:56,963
She's got to. You gotta let her out,
and she's waiting.

796
00:45:57,046 --> 00:45:59,966
And homeboy is taking forever to leave,
he's, like,

797
00:46:00,049 --> 00:46:02,385
"All right, I guess
I'll give you a call later."

798
00:46:02,468 --> 00:46:03,886
Your dragon's, like, "Get out!

799
00:46:05,263 --> 00:46:07,265
Get out. I got to take a shit. Get out!

800
00:46:12,770 --> 00:46:16,357
Get rid of him. I gotta go in that
bathroom I share with another grown woman

801
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:19,068
and take a Jurassic thunderdump,
mostly in the bowl,

802
00:46:19,151 --> 00:46:21,445
then send him a picture
like I'm doing something hot."

803
00:46:21,529 --> 00:46:22,446
Hey. "Get out!"

804
00:46:25,741 --> 00:46:28,035
I feel like the boys here
don't believe me.

805
00:46:29,704 --> 00:46:32,581
That breaks my heart. I want you
to trust me, okay?

806
00:46:32,665 --> 00:46:35,835
You don't believe me that there's a dragon
inside every woman.

807
00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:37,837
I will prove it to you. Are you ready?

808
00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:39,880
There's no zipper, okay.

809
00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:44,468
I'll let you prove it to yourselves.
Tomorrow, when you leave your girl,

810
00:46:44,552 --> 00:46:46,887
okay, and you're saying goodbye
at the door...

811
00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:48,973
here's what you want to do.

812
00:46:49,890 --> 00:46:51,309
Look deep in her eyes.

813
00:46:52,018 --> 00:46:55,855
This is great, because, she'll be, like,
"Oh, my god, he's mesmerized by me.

814
00:46:55,938 --> 00:46:57,815
This is amazing. I'm doing amazing."

815
00:46:57,898 --> 00:46:59,066
Great, let her think that.

816
00:46:59,150 --> 00:47:02,778
It buys you time, gentlemen. Because
what you're looking for in her eyes

817
00:47:02,862 --> 00:47:05,364
is like a nictitating membrane, okay.

818
00:47:07,158 --> 00:47:10,911
For those who don't know, it's the lid
under the lid that keeps the sand out.

819
00:47:12,371 --> 00:47:14,790
You need more <i>Planet Earth</i> from Netflix
in your lives, okay.

820
00:47:14,874 --> 00:47:16,208
That's what you're looking for.

821
00:47:16,292 --> 00:47:19,503
If you want to see...
the dragon come out on its own,

822
00:47:19,587 --> 00:47:22,506
just prolong your goodbye,
'cause that dragon's coming out.

823
00:47:22,590 --> 00:47:25,134
Nothing you can do about it.
Just take a little longer.

824
00:47:25,217 --> 00:47:28,387
All right, well, I have your number,
right? Lemme make sure.

825
00:47:28,471 --> 00:47:30,473
Okay, great, you have my number. Bye!

826
00:47:38,981 --> 00:47:41,567
You're just flying round
your own studio apartment.

827
00:47:42,735 --> 00:47:45,237
You can't go outside.
You will get shot down.

828
00:47:45,946 --> 00:47:48,240
Like, this isn't fucking King's Landing.
Like, you can't...

829
00:47:50,159 --> 00:47:51,994
you're just doing it for the cardio.

830
00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:55,664
Tiny pulses, ladies.
We're toning, we're firming.

831
00:47:57,500 --> 00:47:59,335
You fly into your kitchen.

832
00:47:59,627 --> 00:48:00,920
You land on your counter.

833
00:48:03,005 --> 00:48:05,466
You're hungry, right?
So you take out a talon.

834
00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:10,388
You skewer an entire sleeve of Oreos.

835
00:48:17,103 --> 00:48:18,104
You toast it.

836
00:48:26,570 --> 00:48:28,906
Your dragon body and your farts

837
00:48:28,989 --> 00:48:32,410
aren't the only thing
you've been holding in all night.

838
00:48:32,493 --> 00:48:35,287
You've also been holding in...
your intentions.

839
00:48:35,955 --> 00:48:39,041
We have this really nasty habit
in our society

840
00:48:39,125 --> 00:48:43,045
of labeling women very cruel
and unfair things

841
00:48:43,129 --> 00:48:46,465
when they express their desire
for very normal things.

842
00:48:46,549 --> 00:48:49,593
Monogamy, exclusivity, a relationship,

843
00:48:49,677 --> 00:48:51,679
a family, babies. Right?

844
00:48:51,762 --> 00:48:55,266
We like to call them desperate,
sad, psychos, baby crazy.

845
00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:56,809
"We've been married for six years.

846
00:48:56,892 --> 00:49:00,020
She already wants a kid! I'm a fuck man!
They can't get me."

847
00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:04,275
It's very normal to want these things.

848
00:49:04,358 --> 00:49:06,527
And we like to chastise women for this.

849
00:49:06,610 --> 00:49:09,738
And so, as women,
sometimes we don't speak our truth.

850
00:49:09,822 --> 00:49:13,409
You go on a first date, and a guy says,
"Do you want to have kids?"

851
00:49:13,492 --> 00:49:14,743
And you say no.

852
00:49:14,827 --> 00:49:16,162
Or I don't know.

853
00:49:16,245 --> 00:49:18,831
When you do know.
Because you don't want to what?

854
00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:21,000
Scare them off.

855
00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:23,627
By the way...

856
00:49:24,670 --> 00:49:27,923
if you're the kind of woman that doesn't
want kids, you're still a woman.

857
00:49:28,007 --> 00:49:30,426
This joke's not about you.
Wait your turn, okay.

858
00:49:34,472 --> 00:49:35,764
Another "by the way."

859
00:49:36,515 --> 00:49:37,349
Gentlemen...

860
00:49:37,766 --> 00:49:41,187
you ask a girl if she wants to have kids,
and she says yes...

861
00:49:41,854 --> 00:49:43,856
it doesn't necessarily mean with you.

862
00:49:52,615 --> 00:49:53,782
And it's interesting...

863
00:49:53,866 --> 00:49:57,578
because your views about relationships
or marriage or children

864
00:49:57,661 --> 00:49:59,121
do change the older you get.

865
00:49:59,205 --> 00:50:01,373
Some girls are in the crowd, in your 20s,

866
00:50:01,457 --> 00:50:04,251
you're, like, "Whatever, elder millennial.
I don't care.

867
00:50:04,752 --> 00:50:08,047
I'm 20. I'm going to be a gypsy
and make jewelry out of cat noses.

868
00:50:08,130 --> 00:50:09,256
Yeah. I don't care."

869
00:50:10,758 --> 00:50:13,761
I get it. That's totally fair.
I was like that at one point.

870
00:50:13,844 --> 00:50:17,848
Society tells you over and over,
they say, "How old are you?" "I'm 23."

871
00:50:17,932 --> 00:50:19,808
"Oh, my god, you have so much time."

872
00:50:19,892 --> 00:50:20,726
And you do.

873
00:50:20,809 --> 00:50:21,977
But not much.

874
00:50:22,436 --> 00:50:23,395
So...

875
00:50:25,356 --> 00:50:28,400
It's not about deciding now,
it's about not writing it off totally.

876
00:50:28,484 --> 00:50:30,653
Because I never thought about it,
God's honest truth.

877
00:50:30,736 --> 00:50:34,448
I wasn't anti or for. I figured
you get a boyfriend, life goes on.

878
00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:39,078
When I was in my 20s, I loved... still do...
stand-up, traveling, working.

879
00:50:39,161 --> 00:50:41,664
And I figured, when you turn 30,
the government issues you

880
00:50:41,747 --> 00:50:44,959
a house, an okay-looking husband,
a baby, a plant, you're done!

881
00:50:46,126 --> 00:50:47,461
I never thought about it.

882
00:50:48,128 --> 00:50:51,006
And it's interesting,
because my reaction to children,

883
00:50:51,090 --> 00:50:53,092
and I don't know how many kids I want.

884
00:50:53,175 --> 00:50:55,970
I don't want like a Duggar situation,
but maybe one.

885
00:50:56,595 --> 00:50:58,222
One cool baby. I don't know.

886
00:50:58,806 --> 00:51:01,725
I'd be in the airport in my 20s
and I'd hear a baby cry.

887
00:51:01,809 --> 00:51:04,228
All the women would be, like,
"Oh, my god, it's a child."

888
00:51:04,311 --> 00:51:08,232
I'd be, "Oh, my god, don't sit by me.
Like, that's all. Get it away."

889
00:51:08,857 --> 00:51:11,068
It's interesting,
'cause I never thought about it.

890
00:51:11,151 --> 00:51:14,780
It changes slightly, the chemistry,
the way you think about it.

891
00:51:14,989 --> 00:51:16,574
I was in the airport the other day.

892
00:51:16,949 --> 00:51:18,200
There was a baby there.

893
00:51:18,409 --> 00:51:20,286
And the baby made a big mistake.

894
00:51:21,412 --> 00:51:22,705
'Cause that baby...

895
00:51:23,581 --> 00:51:25,457
let a chubby baby leg...

896
00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:27,918
hang from his blankie.

897
00:51:30,921 --> 00:51:31,922
I had to squeeze it.

898
00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:38,846
I was, like, "What is this feel..."
I found myself moving toward the mother.

899
00:51:40,264 --> 00:51:42,975
And I knew... intrinsically, I knew...

900
00:51:43,058 --> 00:51:44,977
she would let me squeeze his leg.

901
00:51:46,145 --> 00:51:49,064
Because women don't fear other women.

902
00:51:49,273 --> 00:51:53,110
When it comes to children, not like
the corporate ladder or dating, but...

903
00:51:53,944 --> 00:51:57,573
she knows I'm not creepy
and I mean that baby no harm.

904
00:51:57,656 --> 00:51:59,950
That's something we can trade on as women.

905
00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:01,785
Women aren't scary.

906
00:52:01,869 --> 00:52:06,832
Late at night, if a woman's walking toward
you, you don't cross to the other side.

907
00:52:06,915 --> 00:52:09,043
I mean, you do if she's, like,
"Purple hippo!"

908
00:52:12,338 --> 00:52:15,090
When you're in an elevator
and a woman gets on,

909
00:52:15,174 --> 00:52:17,635
you don't clutch your purse
and back up a little.

910
00:52:17,718 --> 00:52:20,346
Women aren't scary
and women aren't creepy.

911
00:52:20,429 --> 00:52:22,389
That's an important thing to remember.

912
00:52:22,473 --> 00:52:25,893
No matter what we get faulted for,
and we'll get faulted for a lot,

913
00:52:25,976 --> 00:52:28,812
things like aging,
things you can totally control.

914
00:52:30,189 --> 00:52:33,150
No matter how much weight you gain,
how many wrinkles you get,

915
00:52:33,233 --> 00:52:37,446
no matter how opinionated you are,
no matter what you become as a woman,

916
00:52:37,696 --> 00:52:42,076
women are welcome around public parks
and children's birthday parties.

917
00:52:43,869 --> 00:52:48,165
Always. I could go to
an elementary school right now

918
00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:51,669
in a hospital gown,
with a raccoon on a leash...

919
00:52:53,712 --> 00:52:56,840
and the children would be, like,
"You have a weird dog."

920
00:53:07,017 --> 00:53:10,688
Because of that inherent fact
that women are not creepy.

921
00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:12,815
Men.

922
00:53:15,401 --> 00:53:17,695
All you've got to do
is part your hair wrong.

923
00:53:19,947 --> 00:53:23,784
So I get up near this baby,
I wipe the sweat from my brow,

924
00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:26,745
I calm myself and say to the woman,
"Excuse me, hi.

925
00:53:30,791 --> 00:53:32,626
I need to squeeze your baby's leg."

926
00:53:34,169 --> 00:53:37,881
She was, like,
"Absolutely! Get in there! Get in there!

927
00:53:37,965 --> 00:53:42,261
His name is Charlie." She gave me his
blood type, his social security number...

928
00:53:42,678 --> 00:53:46,348
There's an art to squeezing a baby leg.
You're not actually squeezing.

929
00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:48,225
You're taking your pincher fingers,

930
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:51,603
and you're putting it like this,
and lightly oscillating...

931
00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:55,983
allowing the fat to rapidly undulate...

932
00:53:56,525 --> 00:53:59,153
so fast it looks like a fluid motion,

933
00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:02,281
not unlike the flapping
of a hummingbird's wings, okay.

934
00:54:04,658 --> 00:54:06,243
This is how I give a hand job.

935
00:54:07,995 --> 00:54:09,997
Baby leg!

936
00:54:13,417 --> 00:54:17,588
Any pressure you would apply to said
leg, you divert up to your back molar,

937
00:54:17,671 --> 00:54:18,964
and you grind it.

938
00:54:21,425 --> 00:54:24,678
When you feel enamel starting
to break down, that's how you know

939
00:54:24,762 --> 00:54:26,638
you gotta get out of there, okay.

940
00:54:26,722 --> 00:54:29,641
You know you're at maximum capacity
for cuteness

941
00:54:29,725 --> 00:54:33,103
when you start making
thinly veiled threats to the child.

942
00:54:34,730 --> 00:54:35,731
I'm going to eat that leg.

943
00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:38,734
I'm gonna bite that nose!

944
00:54:38,817 --> 00:54:41,361
The mom was into it!
She was, like, "Eat his fucking leg!"

945
00:54:42,279 --> 00:54:45,449
I'm gonna eat that leg. "Bite his fucking
nose!" I'm gonna eat that nose!

946
00:54:46,617 --> 00:54:49,661
Everyone's into it, except the kid
who's being the adult. He's, like,

947
00:54:49,745 --> 00:54:50,704
"What the fuck is this?"

948
00:54:58,170 --> 00:54:59,087
Baby leg.

949
00:55:01,089 --> 00:55:05,803
So... back to our original narrative.
You're a dragon in your kitchen.

950
00:55:09,014 --> 00:55:12,559
And those maternal, we don't have to
restrict it to just women.

951
00:55:12,643 --> 00:55:16,647
Paternal, parental. Those maternal urges
start to bubble up.

952
00:55:16,730 --> 00:55:19,858
Because they're unrealized. You did not
verbalize last night on your date

953
00:55:19,942 --> 00:55:23,028
that you might, one day, possibly,
with the right person, want kids.

954
00:55:23,111 --> 00:55:26,532
It's bubbling up, you're sitting there,
eating your Oreos, like...

955
00:55:27,032 --> 00:55:27,866
Baby.

956
00:55:29,827 --> 00:55:30,911
I want a child.

957
00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:33,163
Family.

958
00:55:33,831 --> 00:55:34,665
Baby.

959
00:55:34,748 --> 00:55:36,583
Who's the baby?

960
00:55:36,667 --> 00:55:41,129
You look over and who do 100%
of us take out our parental urges on?

961
00:55:41,213 --> 00:55:42,756
Our pets.

962
00:55:43,674 --> 00:55:46,301
Who's the baby?

963
00:55:49,721 --> 00:55:51,348
Your dog is sitting there, like,

964
00:55:51,765 --> 00:55:53,433
"Oh, fuck, it's me!"

965
00:55:56,228 --> 00:55:59,773
And you, scoop him up,
you don't give him a chance to run.

966
00:55:59,857 --> 00:56:02,442
You sweep all four legs,
Daniel-san, just...

967
00:56:03,277 --> 00:56:06,822
And you throw him on his back!
The dog's, like, "This is not natural!"

968
00:56:06,905 --> 00:56:09,992
And then you start to rock it.
Now you're a psychopath.

969
00:56:10,993 --> 00:56:14,079
Who's the baby? And the dog's, like,
"Please, I'm nauseous!"

970
00:56:14,162 --> 00:56:16,999
You're an angel. Who wants kisses,
who wants kisses?

971
00:56:17,666 --> 00:56:19,293
The dog doesn't know they're kisses.

972
00:56:19,376 --> 00:56:23,088
All the dog sees are your canine incisors
coming at his face.

973
00:56:23,922 --> 00:56:27,885
This tooth right here is what lets him
know that you're a fucking carnivore.

974
00:56:29,219 --> 00:56:32,598
Human beings don't get this close
to other human beings' faces

975
00:56:32,681 --> 00:56:34,641
unless it's like a UFC weigh-in, like,

976
00:56:34,725 --> 00:56:37,060
"I'm gonna eat you, motherfucker!"
That's exactly...

977
00:56:37,144 --> 00:56:39,730
Who's the baby?
The dog's, like, "Please put me down!"

978
00:56:39,813 --> 00:56:41,940
Who wants belly kisses?

979
00:56:42,024 --> 00:56:43,317
"Please don't bite my dick!"

980
00:56:46,737 --> 00:56:49,573
It doesn't even occur to you
that he might be terrified.

981
00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:51,575
You're, like, "Oh, he loves his mama."

982
00:56:51,658 --> 00:56:52,826
He loves... He loves you?

983
00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:58,624
Next time, notice the Cirque du Soleil
stunt your dog is willing to pull...

984
00:56:58,707 --> 00:57:01,251
to get away from your love. He's, like,

985
00:57:01,335 --> 00:57:02,878
"I died well!"

986
00:57:10,510 --> 00:57:12,095
Dog looks up at you.

987
00:57:12,888 --> 00:57:14,222
Closes his blouse.

988
00:57:16,516 --> 00:57:20,020
Goes and hides under something
he deems impenetrable,

989
00:57:20,103 --> 00:57:21,813
like a kitchen chair.

990
00:57:26,318 --> 00:57:29,154
"Yes, from behind these four legs,
I will lead the war."

991
00:57:32,199 --> 00:57:33,742
What's really fucked-up...

992
00:57:35,410 --> 00:57:36,828
is that ten minutes later...

993
00:57:38,080 --> 00:57:39,498
the dog has forgotten.

994
00:57:41,833 --> 00:57:43,877
He's forgotten the broad strokes...

995
00:57:44,628 --> 00:57:46,380
of the abuse. Here's what he knows.

996
00:57:47,714 --> 00:57:50,217
He knows something bad... happened.

997
00:57:51,885 --> 00:57:55,138
He knows...
something bad will happen again.

998
00:57:56,848 --> 00:57:58,308
And again, and again.

999
00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:02,104
He also knows... that he loves you.

1000
00:58:03,230 --> 00:58:04,648
But he's conflicted.

1001
00:58:05,732 --> 00:58:08,110
Because he knows
that the person he loves...

1002
00:58:08,735 --> 00:58:11,196
is the one who's going to make
the bad thing happen.

1003
00:58:13,824 --> 00:58:16,410
It's like Stockholm syndrome
meets <i>Groundhog Day.</i>

1004
00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:20,998
Here's what's even more fucked-up.

1005
00:58:21,581 --> 00:58:22,874
Ten minutes later...

1006
00:58:23,667 --> 00:58:25,043
you need another hit.

1007
00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:29,047
You're just coming down off your high,

1008
00:58:29,131 --> 00:58:32,467
you're, like, "I gotta go to
the grocery store. I've got a callback..."

1009
00:58:32,551 --> 00:58:34,845
Who's the baby?

1010
00:58:35,804 --> 00:58:38,682
This time he doesn't remember.
He's, like, "I don't know!

1011
00:58:39,725 --> 00:58:41,810
I don't know. Why don't I remember?"

1012
00:58:41,893 --> 00:58:44,146
You're getting closer. Who's the baby?

1013
00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:46,148
"I don't know."

1014
00:58:46,231 --> 00:58:50,569
The dog's having very blurry flashbacks
of teeth, and kisses, and belly rubs.

1015
00:58:50,652 --> 00:58:52,279
It's like <i>Westworld </i>for dogs.

1016
00:58:54,489 --> 00:58:55,782
Who's the baby?

1017
00:58:55,866 --> 00:58:59,578
"I don't know! Leave me alone!"
Who's the baby?

1018
00:58:59,661 --> 00:59:01,621
"I don't know! I don't know who the..."

1019
00:59:01,705 --> 00:59:04,875
He looks down at his arm
and there's a tattoo that just says...

1020
00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:07,544
"You're the baby."

1021
00:59:09,713 --> 00:59:10,797
You're the baby.

1022
00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:21,183
So, I'm getting married.

1023
00:59:22,726 --> 00:59:26,021
One of the lovely things
about the man that I'm marrying is that

1024
00:59:26,104 --> 00:59:29,733
he has never asked me to change
anything about myself.

1025
00:59:29,816 --> 00:59:31,693
This is a very weird job.

1026
00:59:31,777 --> 00:59:33,070
We're on a ship.

1027
00:59:33,153 --> 00:59:35,739
I'm telling jokes.
Those things don't go together.

1028
00:59:36,990 --> 00:59:41,161
He's always been respectful of my job,
he's never asked that I not go,

1029
00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,663
not go to work, that I not take a gig.

1030
00:59:44,164 --> 00:59:47,167
The only thing he's ever asked
that I not do

1031
00:59:47,250 --> 00:59:50,087
was a couple of weeks ago,
we were getting ready for bed,

1032
00:59:50,170 --> 00:59:52,798
and I came out, dressed,
and he looked at me and went,

1033
00:59:52,881 --> 00:59:53,840
"Babe.

1034
00:59:54,633 --> 00:59:55,467
Love you.

1035
00:59:58,345 --> 01:00:01,431
Can you <i>not</i> wear men's basketball shorts
to bed?"

1036
01:00:04,893 --> 01:00:07,437
And I was, like,
"Interesting request. Proceed."

1037
01:00:09,731 --> 01:00:10,899
He goes, "Uh...

1038
01:00:11,525 --> 01:00:13,235
Love you. Think you're beautiful.

1039
01:00:15,028 --> 01:00:18,615
It's just that...
I'm not as attracted to you

1040
01:00:18,949 --> 01:00:21,493
and I don't really want
to have sex with you...

1041
01:00:21,576 --> 01:00:24,329
when you're in men's basketball shorts."

1042
01:00:25,205 --> 01:00:26,456
I was, like, "Oh...

1043
01:00:26,790 --> 01:00:27,999
that's the idea!

1044
01:00:28,083 --> 01:00:29,626
Thanks for the ring, fucker!"

1045
01:00:47,394 --> 01:00:49,729
He's sitting in the back, like,
"We fuck. I mean..."

1046
01:00:53,817 --> 01:00:56,319
My dad's also here
so that was a weird take, so...

1047
01:00:59,239 --> 01:01:03,869
A big part of getting married
is you have to buy a wedding dress.

1048
01:01:03,952 --> 01:01:07,747
And this is just one more milestone
in our lives as women

1049
01:01:07,831 --> 01:01:10,625
where other women don't clue us in

1050
01:01:10,709 --> 01:01:13,670
on how terrible it actually is.

1051
01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:17,924
We say we're girls' girls and feminists,
but none of us, like, give the truth

1052
01:01:18,008 --> 01:01:19,259
about girl things.

1053
01:01:19,342 --> 01:01:23,305
We act like it's sugar and spice, I keep
my cereals in canisters like a psycho,

1054
01:01:23,388 --> 01:01:25,223
I'm doing it, yoga. Okay.

1055
01:01:26,099 --> 01:01:28,185
Everything, every big thing in
a woman's life.

1056
01:01:28,268 --> 01:01:31,021
Oh, you had your period?
Welcome to being a woman.

1057
01:01:31,104 --> 01:01:34,399
There's no homegirl, like,
"You're gonna wanna rip out your ovaries,

1058
01:01:34,482 --> 01:01:36,735
and hate your body,
and you're gonna cry.

1059
01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:40,322
You're gonna want a lot of chocolate.
Probably not even go to school.

1060
01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:43,116
Your skin's gonna break out. Welcome
to womanhood. Get in the game."

1061
01:01:43,200 --> 01:01:44,618
They don't say that, okay?

1062
01:01:45,911 --> 01:01:48,496
You're having a baby?
Oh, it's so beautiful.

1063
01:01:48,580 --> 01:01:50,248
"Come here. You're gonna shit yourself.

1064
01:01:52,626 --> 01:01:55,962
Then society's gonna judge you 'cause
you didn't get your body back like that."

1065
01:01:59,424 --> 01:02:01,801
"You're getting a wedding dress?
Oh, it's so magical.

1066
01:02:02,469 --> 01:02:04,554
So magical. You show up.

1067
01:02:04,971 --> 01:02:06,514
It's so magical. You show up.

1068
01:02:06,598 --> 01:02:09,309
Your mother is there.
She doesn't tell you you look tired.

1069
01:02:10,936 --> 01:02:14,773
You've lost so much weight,
every dress just cascades off of you.

1070
01:02:14,856 --> 01:02:18,568
A modeling coach walks by and says,
'She's too beautiful for the runway.'

1071
01:02:18,652 --> 01:02:21,613
You stand there.
Your best friends are there, and they...

1072
01:02:21,696 --> 01:02:23,323
And none of them are jealous.

1073
01:02:23,406 --> 01:02:27,202
And a dove brings you
the perfect silken... and it just..."

1074
01:02:27,285 --> 01:02:30,956
No. It's you standing there
at a dress shop in West Hollywood

1075
01:02:31,039 --> 01:02:33,583
with your mom on FaceTime asking you
how FaceTime works.

1076
01:02:33,667 --> 01:02:36,127
Just use the button!
Ask somebody near you!

1077
01:02:36,211 --> 01:02:38,797
There's some Russian seamstress
at the bottom, like,

1078
01:02:38,922 --> 01:02:41,424
"Your hips are too wide for this cut.
You should not try it on."

1079
01:02:42,467 --> 01:02:45,637
Then you go eat Chick-fil-A.
Like, that's buying a wedding dress.

1080
01:02:46,638 --> 01:02:49,140
So, I was trying on wedding dresses,
and I figured

1081
01:02:49,224 --> 01:02:51,226
I should go with a big princess dress,

1082
01:02:51,309 --> 01:02:55,230
because that's the chance to wear it,
so I put it on, and I come out...

1083
01:02:56,606 --> 01:02:59,317
and I realize, if that's the kind of dress
you wear,

1084
01:02:59,401 --> 01:03:03,238
if you extrapolate your wedding dress
from the actual day...

1085
01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:05,573
you're dressed like a lunatic.

1086
01:03:07,492 --> 01:03:11,329
For, like, deeply disturbing
psychological reasons.

1087
01:03:11,413 --> 01:03:13,456
You're, like, "I'm a pretty princess.

1088
01:03:15,458 --> 01:03:19,546
I'm a pr... "No, you're Gaby,
and you work in HR. You are not a pr...

1089
01:03:19,629 --> 01:03:21,840
"No, I'm a pretty princess."

1090
01:03:21,923 --> 01:03:26,219
And all of your maids have to agree
with you, like, "Yes, fairest of all."

1091
01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:31,433
"I'm a pr... I'm a ballerina princess!
'Cause I've got Arena shoes.

1092
01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:34,144
'Cause I'm Daddy's ballerina.
I'm a pretty princess.

1093
01:03:34,227 --> 01:03:36,354
Bring me Snow White's heart on a platter."

1094
01:03:44,487 --> 01:03:48,908
So I'm trying all different dresses, and
there's this weird phenomenon with women,

1095
01:03:48,992 --> 01:03:51,494
when you try on more than three articles
of clothing.

1096
01:03:51,578 --> 01:03:53,872
There is no fourth. You just start crying.

1097
01:03:54,622 --> 01:03:57,667
There's something about incandescent
lighting hitting your fat cells

1098
01:03:57,751 --> 01:04:00,378
that actually makes them multiply
on the spot.

1099
01:04:00,462 --> 01:04:04,299
You get angry. Do you ever do this move
where you hit your fat, hoping to pop it?

1100
01:04:04,382 --> 01:04:07,510
It doesn't. It just leaves a bruise,
then you can't wear shorts. So...

1101
01:04:08,386 --> 01:04:12,223
I started to get upset
and I did the mistake that all women do.

1102
01:04:12,307 --> 01:04:15,268
I started to get angry about something
on my body I couldn't control.

1103
01:04:15,352 --> 01:04:16,895
Every girl's got a thing

1104
01:04:16,978 --> 01:04:19,856
that she hates about herself
that's impossible to change.

1105
01:04:19,939 --> 01:04:21,941
For me, I don't like how tall I am.

1106
01:04:22,567 --> 01:04:25,153
That makes it sound like I'm tall.
I wish I were taller.

1107
01:04:26,404 --> 01:04:30,700
So tall. To you, like, "She's so tall."
'Cause I'm this big on your TV.

1108
01:04:30,784 --> 01:04:32,869
But I am 5'5".

1109
01:04:32,952 --> 01:04:34,496
And it kills me.

1110
01:04:35,330 --> 01:04:39,834
It's not short enough that... "Do you shop
at Gap Kids? You're so petite!"

1111
01:04:39,918 --> 01:04:40,794
No.

1112
01:04:40,877 --> 01:04:44,798
And it's not tall enough that
people assume I'm a natural athlete.

1113
01:04:44,881 --> 01:04:46,508
I'm just this average...

1114
01:04:46,591 --> 01:04:47,717
5'5"...

1115
01:04:47,801 --> 01:04:51,763
member of the proletariat
marching to pick a size 7 shoe.

1116
01:04:51,846 --> 01:04:52,764
Like, it's just...

1117
01:04:54,766 --> 01:04:57,394
Anytime you tell another woman what you
don't like about yourself,

1118
01:04:57,477 --> 01:04:58,937
they never let you say it.

1119
01:04:59,020 --> 01:05:00,772
Oh, I'd kill to have your hair.

1120
01:05:00,855 --> 01:05:03,691
I'd kill to have your beak,
I love your feathers. It's like...

1121
01:05:06,653 --> 01:05:11,533
So, I'm sitting there, getting ready
to pick out a dress for my wedding,

1122
01:05:11,616 --> 01:05:12,617
and I was angry.

1123
01:05:12,700 --> 01:05:15,954
That's not an emotion you want
to attach... to your wedding.

1124
01:05:16,037 --> 01:05:19,791
I started to feel sad, and, for me,
when I get upset about something,

1125
01:05:19,874 --> 01:05:22,961
I attach it to literally everything else
in my life.

1126
01:05:23,044 --> 01:05:24,129
And it spirals.

1127
01:05:24,212 --> 01:05:27,424
It's not about the dress,
it's about how I feel about the dress,

1128
01:05:27,507 --> 01:05:31,136
it's how I feel about me, I'll marry
my dog, we'll live in the woods!

1129
01:05:31,219 --> 01:05:33,221
Like, it just goes, like that.

1130
01:05:34,180 --> 01:05:37,016
Started to get real angry about my body
'cause it wasn't fitting perfectly

1131
01:05:37,100 --> 01:05:38,893
into the right dress that I wanted.

1132
01:05:38,977 --> 01:05:41,688
I stopped and was, like,
"If I'm feeling this way right now,

1133
01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:43,940
there's gotta be other women
who feel this way."

1134
01:05:44,023 --> 01:05:48,153
So I'm going to say this 'cause I wish
I'd given myself this pep talk that day.

1135
01:05:48,445 --> 01:05:49,279
Here's the truth.

1136
01:05:49,362 --> 01:05:51,906
Girls, your bodies are perfect...

1137
01:05:52,323 --> 01:05:53,158
and normal...

1138
01:05:53,575 --> 01:05:55,952
and functional... and beautiful.

1139
01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:59,414
There's always one girl in back
with a horn. "What about me?"

1140
01:05:59,497 --> 01:06:00,582
No.

1141
01:06:01,499 --> 01:06:02,417
Not you!

1142
01:06:03,501 --> 01:06:04,377
Shave it.

1143
01:06:05,879 --> 01:06:06,880
Quit following me.

1144
01:06:09,549 --> 01:06:13,720
But we've been brainwashed into trying
to live up to this Instagram Photoshop

1145
01:06:13,803 --> 01:06:15,388
example of what beauty is.

1146
01:06:15,472 --> 01:06:17,724
And some girls do look like that.
Fuck them.

1147
01:06:17,807 --> 01:06:21,394
No, some girls do. There's always
something you don't like.

1148
01:06:21,478 --> 01:06:23,271
We have to stop faulting ourselves

1149
01:06:23,354 --> 01:06:25,148
for things that are very normal.

1150
01:06:25,231 --> 01:06:28,443
"I've got cellulite. What if he doesn't
want to have sex with me

1151
01:06:28,526 --> 01:06:30,153
'cause I have cellulite?"

1152
01:06:30,236 --> 01:06:33,656
Well, 100% of women
have some form of cellulite.

1153
01:06:33,740 --> 01:06:36,367
If he doesn't want to fuck you
'cause you got cellulite,

1154
01:06:36,493 --> 01:06:38,411
he'd better start fucking dudes, 'cause...

1155
01:06:40,079 --> 01:06:42,499
there's no other option till the robots
take over.

1156
01:06:44,250 --> 01:06:47,212
Moreover, he doesn't want
to have that conversation.

1157
01:06:47,629 --> 01:06:49,380
A guy doesn't find it attractive

1158
01:06:49,464 --> 01:06:52,467
when you verbalize over and over
how much you hate something.

1159
01:06:52,550 --> 01:06:54,344
"But my cellulite? I showed it to you."

1160
01:06:54,427 --> 01:06:57,430
Look at that. I'll make a face out of it."
He doesn't...

1161
01:06:57,514 --> 01:06:59,807
The conversation he wants to have
is the following.

1162
01:06:59,891 --> 01:07:00,975
"Let me ask you a question.

1163
01:07:01,684 --> 01:07:04,812
Are you going to continue to breathe
during intercourse?"

1164
01:07:06,022 --> 01:07:08,274
You're, like, "Yeah, I was planning
on it."

1165
01:07:08,358 --> 01:07:09,859
He's, like, "Then we're cool.

1166
01:07:12,362 --> 01:07:13,780
That holds up in court...

1167
01:07:16,241 --> 01:07:17,158
I found out."

1168
01:07:18,826 --> 01:07:21,454
But I've got this, and chub,
and I don't like my arms.

1169
01:07:21,538 --> 01:07:24,624
And I have stretch marks,
from growing from an infant!

1170
01:07:27,001 --> 01:07:31,130
And I don't want to be this hand-holding,
like, "Every woman is perfect."

1171
01:07:31,214 --> 01:07:34,050
Look, you might not be perfect, okay.

1172
01:07:34,133 --> 01:07:36,928
I'm not here to judge that,
if you're not, if you are.

1173
01:07:37,011 --> 01:07:40,557
What I say is it's up to you to decide
how much you love your body.

1174
01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:43,685
Fuck everybody else. Don't fuck them...
Not literally. But...

1175
01:07:44,394 --> 01:07:46,563
if it makes you feel good!
It probably won't.

1176
01:07:47,814 --> 01:07:51,317
It's up for you to decide, because
we get so upset, and you know what?

1177
01:07:51,901 --> 01:07:55,405
The guy you like probably isn't even
going to notice the thing you hate.

1178
01:07:55,488 --> 01:07:56,781
Most people won't.

1179
01:07:56,864 --> 01:07:57,740
Men won't.

1180
01:07:57,824 --> 01:08:01,953
Most of the things, a guy is not going
to notice. They're not that observant.

1181
01:08:03,496 --> 01:08:05,790
40% of men
can only see three colors.

1182
01:08:08,793 --> 01:08:11,546
40% of the men here
don't know that that's red.

1183
01:08:13,339 --> 01:08:14,966
Notice it's a hollow laugh.

1184
01:08:16,718 --> 01:08:19,178
40% of the men are, like,
"Hah! Oh, fuck.

1185
01:08:23,099 --> 01:08:24,517
Siri, what is red?"

1186
01:08:28,104 --> 01:08:32,483
And, again, you might have a perfect body.
You might not have a great body.

1187
01:08:32,567 --> 01:08:34,736
I don't know what you got
under that tarp.

1188
01:08:34,819 --> 01:08:38,990
You could have... blown out the whole
region with a bad wax strip, I don't know.

1189
01:08:40,116 --> 01:08:43,161
But I do know is this.
Whatever you have as a woman,

1190
01:08:43,244 --> 01:08:45,455
whatever your body looks like, girls.

1191
01:08:45,830 --> 01:08:47,665
However bad you think it is

1192
01:08:47,749 --> 01:08:50,710
pales in comparison to the look

1193
01:08:50,793 --> 01:08:53,630
of 100% of...

1194
01:08:54,339 --> 01:08:55,256
scrotums!

1195
01:08:56,716 --> 01:08:57,842
What is that?

1196
01:08:58,593 --> 01:09:00,386
What the fuck is that?

1197
01:09:02,639 --> 01:09:05,975
Why is this not the topic
of every State of the Union address?

1198
01:09:06,726 --> 01:09:09,937
Why is this... how come...
my thighs can't touch,

1199
01:09:10,021 --> 01:09:14,150
but you have two dead baby birds,
hanging.

1200
01:09:16,277 --> 01:09:18,321
Sir, bat-like. Hanging.

1201
01:09:19,614 --> 01:09:23,076
Sometimes so low,
they're in the toilet water.

1202
01:09:24,202 --> 01:09:25,078
Hanging.

1203
01:09:27,038 --> 01:09:30,958
Every guy here is laughing, smiling,
or not making eye contact with me.

1204
01:09:33,378 --> 01:09:37,256
Because it's never occurred to men
to question their bodies.

1205
01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:40,968
Every guy is, like, "Why wouldn't you want
this on your face for free?"

1206
01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:45,848
If we are to move forward as women,
as feminists,

1207
01:09:45,932 --> 01:09:51,020
we need to decide we won't be shamed
for what our bodies look naturally either.

1208
01:09:51,104 --> 01:09:54,732
And just so you know, gentlemen.
It's something that we tolerate.

1209
01:09:54,816 --> 01:09:57,318
But it's not something
that we fantasize about.

1210
01:09:58,319 --> 01:10:01,322
It's just the way it is,
so we never really question it.

1211
01:10:01,406 --> 01:10:04,784
But no woman growing up was, like,
"This is my Backstreet Boys poster.

1212
01:10:04,867 --> 01:10:05,827
This is NSYNC.

1213
01:10:05,910 --> 01:10:08,079
And this is a nut sack!" Like, none of us!

1214
01:10:11,249 --> 01:10:14,377
It's hideous and, I'll tell you something
else, it's a little traumatizing.

1215
01:10:15,211 --> 01:10:17,130
'Cause we put effort into the way we look.

1216
01:10:17,213 --> 01:10:19,799
And we're sitting in bed,
waiting for you to come out,

1217
01:10:19,882 --> 01:10:23,052
just like you have every night,
and you come out the bathroom naked.

1218
01:10:23,136 --> 01:10:26,389
You look at us, and we look at you,
like, "Oh, god, there it is."

1219
01:10:27,682 --> 01:10:30,518
Who's the baby?

1220
01:10:30,977 --> 01:10:34,772
Thank you so much for coming out tonight
to have a good time. Thank you.