tpbolon

Eng Iliza: Elder Millennial (2018)

Jan 7th, 2019
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  1. 1
  2. 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,101
  3. Guys, I'm about to take a giant ship.
  4.  
  5. 2
  6. 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,336
  7. Thank you so much!
  8.  
  9. 3
  10. 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:46,255
  11. Thank you.
  12.  
  13. 4
  14. 00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:51,176
  15. Thank you so much...
  16.  
  17. 5
  18. 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:53,762
  19. for being here. So...
  20.  
  21. 6
  22. 00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:57,641
  23. first up on the agenda is...
  24.  
  25. 7
  26. 00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:58,767
  27. I got engaged.
  28.  
  29. 8
  30. 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,062
  31. Thank you.
  32.  
  33. 9
  34. 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,815
  35. I appreciate that enthusiasm.
  36.  
  37. 10
  38. 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:08,193
  39. I appreciate the applause
  40. because I live in Los Angeles
  41.  
  42. 11
  43. 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:12,197
  44. and when you tell people in L.A. that
  45. you got engaged, they don't applaud.
  46.  
  47. 12
  48. 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:18,036
  49. You tell people in L.A. you got engaged,
  50. they're, like, "Good for you.
  51.  
  52. 13
  53. 00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:20,163
  54. Good for..."
  55.  
  56. 14
  57. 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:27,838
  58. So you tell people you got engaged,
  59. next obligatory thing out of their mouth
  60.  
  61. 15
  62. 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,798
  63. is, like, "How did you guys meet?
  64.  
  65. 16
  66. 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:38,432
  67. How did you meet?"
  68.  
  69. 17
  70. 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,100
  71. I don't like to tell people
  72.  
  73. 18
  74. 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:41,184
  75. how we met.
  76.  
  77. 19
  78. 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,103
  79. I don't like to tell people how we met.
  80.  
  81. 20
  82. 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,147
  83. It's not bad. It's not embarrassing.
  84.  
  85. 21
  86. 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,815
  87. It's just not cool.
  88.  
  89. 22
  90. 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,276
  91. Like, we met on a dating app.
  92.  
  93. 23
  94. 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,446
  95. Right, like all of you. Yeah.
  96.  
  97. 24
  98. 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,992
  99. We met on a dating app, which is...
  100.  
  101. 25
  102. 00:01:57,075 --> 00:02:02,247
  103. less of a product of my lack of creativity
  104. and more a result of my generation.
  105.  
  106. 26
  107. 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:03,415
  108. I'm a millennial.
  109.  
  110. 27
  111. 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,334
  112. That's how we meet each other, okay?
  113.  
  114. 28
  115. 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,336
  116. Yeah.
  117.  
  118. 29
  119. 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,504
  120. A dating app, at a bar,
  121.  
  122. 30
  123. 00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:13,300
  124. or it's, like, "I got her pregnant. Well,
  125. Skylar will make a good mom." That's it.
  126.  
  127. 31
  128. 00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:19,389
  129. Some of you were so quiet when I said
  130. I was a millennial. Fuck you, okay?
  131.  
  132. 32
  133. 00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:25,187
  134. I am... 35.
  135.  
  136. 33
  137. 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:32,402
  138. Which means I was born in 1983,
  139.  
  140. 34
  141. 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,862
  142. which means I am...
  143.  
  144. 35
  145. 00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:35,280
  146. right at the cutoff.
  147.  
  148. 36
  149. 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,700
  150. Okay, so I am a millennial,
  151.  
  152. 37
  153. 00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,535
  154. but I am an elder!
  155.  
  156. 38
  157. 00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:44,748
  158. Elder millennial!
  159.  
  160. 39
  161. 00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:46,875
  162. Wizened.
  163.  
  164. 40
  165. 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:49,336
  166. Sage.
  167.  
  168. 41
  169. 00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:54,675
  170. Yes, gather 'round the Snapchat, children.
  171.  
  172. 42
  173. 00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:00,639
  174. I'll tell you the tale...
  175.  
  176. 43
  177. 00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,893
  178. of the landline.
  179.  
  180. 44
  181. 00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:09,481
  182. Hello, goodbye.
  183.  
  184. 45
  185. 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:13,985
  186. When I was a young girl...
  187.  
  188. 46
  189. 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:19,366
  190. I once sent a text message
  191. from a Sidekick.
  192.  
  193. 47
  194. 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:27,040
  195. I remember when Skechers were invented.
  196.  
  197. 48
  198. 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,419
  199. They were ugly then.
  200.  
  201. 49
  202. 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:33,505
  203. And they're ugly now.
  204.  
  205. 50
  206. 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:37,008
  207. In high school...
  208.  
  209. 51
  210. 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,846
  211. we danced to a band called Sugar Ray.
  212.  
  213. 52
  214. 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:49,730
  215. How did you guys meet?
  216.  
  217. 53
  218. 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:52,315
  219. You ask a girl, "How did you guys meet?"
  220.  
  221. 54
  222. 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:55,485
  223. We want to tell you.
  224. We want to tell you...
  225.  
  226. 55
  227. 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,112
  228. everything.
  229.  
  230. 56
  231. 00:03:58,029 --> 00:04:00,615
  232. We want to give you personal information,
  233. background story,
  234.  
  235. 57
  236. 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:03,160
  237. ancillary information,
  238. anything information.
  239.  
  240. 58
  241. 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,703
  242. Just say, "How did you meet?"
  243.  
  244. 59
  245. 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,913
  246. Are you sitting down? Chapter One.
  247. In seventh grade,
  248.  
  249. 60
  250. 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:10,208
  251. I showed an aptitude for the clarinet.
  252. We take it... back!
  253.  
  254. 61
  255. 00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,086
  256. We want you to know so much.
  257.  
  258. 62
  259. 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,922
  260. You ask a guy, "How did you guys meet?"
  261.  
  262. 63
  263. 00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:19,968
  264. Men don't volunteer personal information
  265. as readily.
  266.  
  267. 64
  268. 00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:22,929
  269. Seldom will you meet a guy where
  270. you're, like, "How did you guys meet?"
  271.  
  272. 65
  273. 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:26,099
  274. And he's, like,
  275. "So, I'm a Pisces, so I love faces."
  276.  
  277. 66
  278. 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:32,355
  279. A man's objective is often to let you know
  280. not so much how they met,
  281.  
  282. 67
  283. 00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,357
  284. but to let you know that, like,
  285.  
  286. 68
  287. 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,568
  288. "I could still fuck if I wanted to.
  289.  
  290. 69
  291. 00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:39,154
  292. 'Cause I'm a fuck man.
  293.  
  294. 70
  295. 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:40,280
  296. That's how I do.
  297.  
  298. 71
  299. 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,700
  300. I'm not gonna fuck you,
  301. cause I'm fucking her, but...
  302.  
  303. 72
  304. 00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,870
  305. I come from a long line of fuck men,
  306. all right?
  307.  
  308. 73
  309. 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:50,415
  310. My daddy was a fuck man,
  311. my granddaddy was a fuck man.
  312.  
  313. 74
  314. 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,542
  315. I fuck.
  316.  
  317. 75
  318. 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,795
  319. I pack up this dick, on to the next town.
  320.  
  321. 76
  322. 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:57,672
  323. Yeah.
  324.  
  325. 77
  326. 00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:01,510
  327. Fire in the hole.
  328.  
  329. 78
  330. 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,847
  331. Fuck Man Terry, that's what they call me."
  332.  
  333. 79
  334. 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:09,768
  335. Down at the Walgreens, whatever.
  336.  
  337. 80
  338. 00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:13,063
  339. How did you guys meet?
  340.  
  341. 81
  342. 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:16,942
  343. I say this next part as a woman
  344. that champions other women,
  345.  
  346. 82
  347. 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:20,111
  348. as a woman who chose to be single
  349. for a very long time.
  350.  
  351. 83
  352. 00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,364
  353. I always feel, when single women ask me,
  354.  
  355. 84
  356. 00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:24,157
  357. "So, how did you guys meet?"
  358.  
  359. 85
  360. 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:28,286
  361. It's less about a genuine personal inquiry
  362. for me,
  363.  
  364. 86
  365. 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:31,039
  366. and it's more like
  367. they're looking for clues, like,
  368.  
  369. 87
  370. 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:33,124
  371. "Where did you find a suitor?
  372.  
  373. 88
  374. 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,630
  375. Tell us your ways."
  376.  
  377. 89
  378. 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:40,131
  379. Like, you walk in...
  380.  
  381. 90
  382. 00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,801
  383. to a Trader Joe's on a Sunday night.
  384.  
  385. 91
  386. 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,678
  387. That's when hot girls
  388. go grocery shopping.
  389.  
  390. 92
  391. 00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:46,596
  392. Like, I'm buying flowers for me, right?
  393.  
  394. 93
  395. 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:50,642
  396. You walk into a Trader Joe's with a ring
  397. on your left hand,
  398.  
  399. 94
  400. 00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:53,812
  401. single women can feel
  402. the vibrations of the ring.
  403.  
  404. 95
  405. 00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:56,523
  406. Like, "The ring! It mocks us!" And they...
  407.  
  408. 96
  409. 00:05:57,816 --> 00:06:00,193
  410. They come out
  411. of the frozen yogurt aisle...
  412.  
  413. 97
  414. 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,821
  415. Lululemon, highlighted hair, like,
  416.  
  417. 98
  418. 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:06,783
  419. "Tell us your ways,
  420. we wish to be betrothed as well.
  421.  
  422. 99
  423. 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,119
  424. Secrets.
  425.  
  426. 100
  427. 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,330
  428. Tell us. Be a girl's girl."
  429.  
  430. 101
  431. 00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:16,293
  432. There's no secret, just so we're clear.
  433.  
  434. 102
  435. 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:19,170
  436. Don't buy the books. Don't buy the hype.
  437. Don't listen...
  438.  
  439. 103
  440. 00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,839
  441. There's no secret, okay?
  442.  
  443. 104
  444. 00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:23,300
  445. I'm going to be 35 when I get married.
  446.  
  447. 105
  448. 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,511
  449. And if there was a secret,
  450. I would have fucking used it.
  451.  
  452. 106
  453. 00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,680
  454. There's no... secret.
  455.  
  456. 107
  457. 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,266
  458. There's no special magic to it.
  459.  
  460. 108
  461. 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:34,102
  462. I'm never going to be, like,
  463. "Gather round, ladies.
  464.  
  465. 109
  466. 00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:36,771
  467. Off the 405 lies a toadhole...
  468.  
  469. 110
  470. 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,735
  471. You must go to it."
  472.  
  473. 111
  474. 00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:46,907
  475. No secret. Plus, chances are,
  476. if you are single
  477.  
  478. 112
  479. 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,409
  480. and you are not enjoying that time
  481. in your life,
  482.  
  483. 113
  484. 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:53,747
  485. you're probably doing everything
  486. in your power to not be single.
  487.  
  488. 114
  489. 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:56,666
  490. I don't know a single girl out there
  491. that's, like, "I hate being single.
  492.  
  493. 115
  494. 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,669
  495. I don't get it. I wash
  496. with ham and cat hair. Where is he?
  497.  
  498. 116
  499. 00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:01,713
  500. Where is he?"
  501.  
  502. 117
  503. 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:13,183
  504. Women have no problem letting people know
  505. that they are looking for a relationship.
  506.  
  507. 118
  508. 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,768
  509. We shout it from the mountaintops.
  510.  
  511. 119
  512. 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:15,894
  513. We take a seminar.
  514.  
  515. 120
  516. 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,562
  517. We take a class, we ask around.
  518.  
  519. 121
  520. 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:21,608
  521. Are you single? Does your brother
  522. have a brother? Do you have a sister?
  523.  
  524. 122
  525. 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,318
  526. I will take anything at this point.
  527.  
  528. 123
  529. 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:27,030
  530. We let people know...
  531. We get license plates made
  532.  
  533. 124
  534. 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,616
  535. like "LOOKIN4U." Like, we let you know.
  536.  
  537. 125
  538. 00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:35,747
  539. I feel like men are more laissez-faire
  540. when it comes to relationships.
  541.  
  542. 126
  543. 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:38,959
  544. I guess I fell into her,
  545. now we got four kids. It's kind of...
  546.  
  547. 127
  548. 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,712
  549. It's less deliberate.
  550. Women are, like, "This way."
  551.  
  552. 128
  553. 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,506
  554. "I guess I'll just go that way."
  555.  
  556. 129
  557. 00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:45,799
  558. It just becomes.
  559.  
  560. 130
  561. 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:50,261
  562. Their stories are less deliberate.
  563.  
  564. 131
  565. 00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:53,014
  566. I've asked a lot of guys,
  567. "How did you meet your girl?"
  568.  
  569. 132
  570. 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:56,393
  571. I've noticed that about 80%
  572. of the stories sound very similar.
  573.  
  574. 133
  575. 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:59,771
  576. 80% of the time it's, like,
  577. "How did we meet? All right, well...
  578.  
  579. 134
  580. 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,856
  581. I was out with my buddies.
  582.  
  583. 135
  584. 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:05,527
  585. And you know me,
  586. I wasn't looking for anybody.
  587.  
  588. 136
  589. 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:11,992
  590. And then I saw her."
  591.  
  592. 137
  593. 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,412
  594. And that <i>lie</i> becomes...
  595.  
  596. 138
  597. 00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:20,333
  598. A big part of our narrative as women,
  599.  
  600. 139
  601. 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:24,629
  602. this hope that we will go out
  603. and a man is going to see us,
  604.  
  605. 140
  606. 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,089
  607. save us, rescue us.
  608.  
  609. 141
  610. 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:30,093
  611. It's this hope that we're going to be
  612. seen and that's going to happen for us.
  613.  
  614. 142
  615. 00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:34,014
  616. And we all have this sort of shared
  617. fantasy where you walk into a...
  618.  
  619. 143
  620. 00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:37,767
  621. a club or a bar with five of your
  622. girlfriends who look exactly like you.
  623.  
  624. 144
  625. 00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:42,522
  626. And you walk in
  627. and a man picks you out of the crowd,
  628.  
  629. 145
  630. 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:46,067
  631. sees you for the beautiful soul
  632. that you are, like, decides...
  633.  
  634. 146
  635. 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,195
  636. like, there's some DJ up there
  637. and he looks out and he's, like...
  638.  
  639. 147
  640. 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:51,031
  641. "Her."
  642.  
  643. 148
  644. 00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:53,825
  645. And you're, like, "Me?"
  646.  
  647. 149
  648. 00:08:57,829 --> 00:08:59,789
  649. And then your life begins, right?
  650.  
  651. 150
  652. 00:09:00,832 --> 00:09:04,878
  653. This is not our fault for expecting this
  654. or thinking this will happen.
  655.  
  656. 151
  657. 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,964
  658. We have been taught this message
  659. since we were little girls.
  660.  
  661. 152
  662. 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,883
  663. Princesses get saved.
  664.  
  665. 153
  666. 00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:12,385
  667. Snow White got saved by the prince.
  668.  
  669. 154
  670. 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:16,097
  671. It was really the seven dwarves
  672. and she was, like, lost in a forest.
  673.  
  674. 155
  675. 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,140
  676. But, like...
  677.  
  678. 156
  679. 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,058
  680. seven men.
  681.  
  682. 157
  683. 00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:19,893
  684. Who is she? Right.
  685.  
  686. 158
  687. 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:24,022
  688. Sleeping Beauty was saved when the prince
  689. kissed her while she was sleeping.
  690.  
  691. 159
  692. 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:25,482
  693. Terrible moral.
  694.  
  695. 160
  696. 00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:32,030
  697. What do we take away from that?
  698. Generations of men, like,
  699.  
  700. 161
  701. 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:35,200
  702. "No, you kiss 'em when they're sleeping,
  703. they're forever grateful.
  704.  
  705. 162
  706. 00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:38,661
  707. Officer."
  708.  
  709. 163
  710. 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:48,755
  711. So naturally we go out
  712. hoping to be discovered.
  713.  
  714. 164
  715. 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,925
  716. There's this weird thing
  717. where a lot of girls, when we're single,
  718.  
  719. 165
  720. 00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:55,512
  721. we don't want to admit that we're
  722. going out hoping a man notices us.
  723.  
  724. 166
  725. 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:58,473
  726. Of course you are,
  727. but we don't want to seem desperate.
  728.  
  729. 167
  730. 00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:01,935
  731. I'm just going out with my girlfriends,
  732. in full makeup, with padded everything.
  733.  
  734. 168
  735. 00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,895
  736. This is just for fun. I'm just going out.
  737.  
  738. 169
  739. 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:08,525
  740. It's normal to want to be noticed
  741. by someone that you find attractive.
  742.  
  743. 170
  744. 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,859
  745. That's the caveat, okay?
  746.  
  747. 171
  748. 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,236
  749. It's normal...
  750.  
  751. 172
  752. 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:16,699
  753. to want attention. Even in a relationship,
  754. you still have a beating heart.
  755.  
  756. 173
  757. 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:19,410
  758. You still want people to let you know
  759. you're attractive.
  760.  
  761. 174
  762. 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:22,956
  763. If you're with your guy, you're holding
  764. his hand and you're walking,
  765.  
  766. 175
  767. 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:26,751
  768. and you see some hot guy, like, "You like
  769. that?" He's like, "I like that." Okay.
  770.  
  771. 176
  772. 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,296
  773. No harm, no foul.
  774.  
  775. 177
  776. 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,093
  777. We all try this bullshit, like,
  778.  
  779. 178
  780. 00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:39,097
  781. "I'm not even trying." Really? Then put
  782. a feed bag over your head. Carry an onion.
  783.  
  784. 179
  785. 00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,223
  786. You're trying, okay?
  787.  
  788. 180
  789. 00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:44,102
  790. You don't have to try that hard, but
  791. you're going out. It's nice to be noticed.
  792.  
  793. 181
  794. 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,854
  795. So we all do it. Put on the makeup.
  796.  
  797. 182
  798. 00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:48,148
  799. Force our chub into some pants.
  800.  
  801. 183
  802. 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:51,985
  803. You shove your coyote paws
  804. into some heels and we go out.
  805.  
  806. 184
  807. 00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:57,991
  808. You don't even hunt.
  809.  
  810. 185
  811. 00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:01,411
  812. What do you do, girls? You just stand
  813. in a pack of six other women.
  814.  
  815. 186
  816. 00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:02,996
  817. Six other coyotes.
  818.  
  819. 187
  820. 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,297
  821. Getting annoyed
  822. that no guy's hitting on you?
  823.  
  824. 188
  825. 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,882
  826. Yeah, there's six of you.
  827.  
  828. 189
  829. 00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:14,799
  830. He's terrified.
  831.  
  832. 190
  833. 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:21,055
  834. We get annoyed so quickly when a guy
  835. doesn't notice all the effort.
  836.  
  837. 191
  838. 00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:23,808
  839. So what do you say?
  840. Like, "This sucks, let's take a lap."
  841.  
  842. 192
  843. 00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,018
  844. So you just move...
  845.  
  846. 193
  847. 00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:28,646
  848. in a perfume cloud
  849. around the perimeter of the bar.
  850.  
  851. 194
  852. 00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:31,649
  853. Maybe they're more progressive
  854. ten feet from here.
  855.  
  856. 195
  857. 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,819
  858. So this begs the question, as women,
  859.  
  860. 196
  861. 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,362
  862. as feminists...
  863.  
  864. 197
  865. 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:39,991
  866. Maybe some... one or two lazy guys
  867. might pause at the question.
  868.  
  869. 198
  870. 00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:42,410
  871. "How come the guy's got to hit
  872. on the girl?
  873.  
  874. 199
  875. 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,953
  876. You're an independent woman.
  877.  
  878. 200
  879. 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,663
  880. Why can't a girl hit on a guy?
  881.  
  882. 201
  883. 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,624
  884. Why can't the girl hit on the guy?"
  885.  
  886. 202
  887. 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:50,126
  888. God's honest answer?
  889. 'Cause we did all this.
  890.  
  891. 203
  892. 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,795
  893. You fucking do something, Scott.
  894. That's the answer.
  895.  
  896. 204
  897. 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:53,838
  898. It's a lot.
  899.  
  900. 205
  901. 00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:56,132
  902. Okay.
  903.  
  904. 206
  905. 00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:03,389
  906. A lot. I haven't had bread in five months.
  907.  
  908. 207
  909. 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:04,599
  910. It's a lot, okay?
  911.  
  912. 208
  913. 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:08,269
  914. A big part of the reason
  915. women don't hit on men
  916.  
  917. 209
  918. 00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:10,438
  919. is that women aren't seen as equal to men.
  920.  
  921. 210
  922. 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,524
  923. Therefore, when we step out
  924. of a traditional feminine role,
  925.  
  926. 211
  927. 00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:17,195
  928. and do something alpha and hit on a guy
  929. and he rejects us,
  930.  
  931. 212
  932. 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,405
  933. it hurts that much more.
  934.  
  935. 213
  936. 00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,866
  937. And on a biological level,
  938.  
  939. 214
  940. 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:26,496
  941. you know, at your core, he's not rejecting
  942. you based on your shoes or your outfit.
  943.  
  944. 215
  945. 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,747
  946. He's rejecting...
  947.  
  948. 216
  949. 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:28,831
  950. your eggs.
  951.  
  952. 217
  953. 00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:36,756
  954. You get up nerve to talk to a guy, like,
  955. "Excuse me, would you like my eggs?"
  956.  
  957. 218
  958. 00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:39,801
  959. "I don't want those fucking eggs."
  960.  
  961. 219
  962. 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,719
  963. Please! I only have but a few.
  964.  
  965. 220
  966. 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,724
  967. Women aren't seen as equal to men,
  968.  
  969. 221
  970. 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,601
  971. so it's uncomfortable to hit on men.
  972.  
  973. 222
  974. 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:51,229
  975. There's a lot more at risk for us.
  976. Maybe one day...
  977.  
  978. 223
  979. 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:54,440
  980. in a utopia where men and women
  981. are considered equal,
  982.  
  983. 224
  984. 00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:59,070
  985. maybe one day we can hit on men
  986. unencumbered by self-esteem issues.
  987.  
  988. 225
  989. 00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:02,115
  990. But as it stands now,
  991. that's not something we can do.
  992.  
  993. 226
  994. 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,117
  995. Our grandmothers didn't hit on men.
  996.  
  997. 227
  998. 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,786
  999. Our mothers didn't hit on men.
  1000. Maybe one day.
  1001.  
  1002. 228
  1003. 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,956
  1004. Maybe my generation changes it.
  1005. It's too late. But...
  1006.  
  1007. 229
  1008. 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,585
  1009. maybe my generation,
  1010. with the hashtags and the tweets,
  1011.  
  1012. 230
  1013. 00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:17,964
  1014. maybe we'll change it
  1015. so that our great-granddaughters
  1016.  
  1017. 231
  1018. 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,216
  1019. can hit on men. Yes, that's the dream,
  1020.  
  1021. 232
  1022. 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,468
  1023. that we do the work now
  1024.  
  1025. 233
  1026. 00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:25,638
  1027. so that our great-granddaughters
  1028. will know the thrill
  1029.  
  1030. 234
  1031. 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:29,767
  1032. of hitting on a half-in-the-bag Guido
  1033. outside a taco truck
  1034.  
  1035. 235
  1036. 00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,352
  1037. at 2 a.m.
  1038.  
  1039. 236
  1040. 00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:35,857
  1041. 'Tis but a dream.
  1042.  
  1043. 237
  1044. 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:41,112
  1045. Another big part of the reason
  1046. that women don't hit on men is that
  1047.  
  1048. 238
  1049. 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,656
  1050. men are better at dealing with rejection.
  1051.  
  1052. 239
  1053. 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,116
  1054. Sexually.
  1055.  
  1056. 240
  1057. 00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:47,035
  1058. Women are not used to dealing...
  1059.  
  1060. 241
  1061. 00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:49,287
  1062. with rejection... when it comes to sex.
  1063.  
  1064. 242
  1065. 00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:52,707
  1066. We're used to dealing with rejection when
  1067. it comes to... governing our own bodies,
  1068.  
  1069. 243
  1070. 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,460
  1071. having our own thoughts, getting paid
  1072. the same as a man, but...
  1073.  
  1074. 244
  1075. 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,128
  1076. when it comes...
  1077.  
  1078. 245
  1079. 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,675
  1080. When it comes to sexual rejection,
  1081.  
  1082. 246
  1083. 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:07,013
  1084. men deal with it more than women
  1085. because they have more at bats.
  1086.  
  1087. 247
  1088. 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,473
  1089. They hit on women more.
  1090.  
  1091. 248
  1092. 00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:11,768
  1093. Ask the guy next to you, "When was the
  1094. last time you were sexually rejected?"
  1095.  
  1096. 249
  1097. 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:15,521
  1098. He'll be, like, "You mean in the Uber
  1099. on the way here? At the box office?
  1100.  
  1101. 250
  1102. 00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:19,400
  1103. Like, behind that plane while you were
  1104. in the bathroom? Be specific."
  1105.  
  1106. 251
  1107. 00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:23,279
  1108. 'Cause every guy knows...
  1109.  
  1110. 252
  1111. 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,281
  1112. it's about the at bats.
  1113.  
  1114. 253
  1115. 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,450
  1116. It's about how many times
  1117. can you hit on a girl.
  1118.  
  1119. 254
  1120. 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,869
  1121. 'Cause you know
  1122. eventually one's going to say yes.
  1123.  
  1124. 255
  1125. 00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:33,581
  1126. When men first start going out,
  1127. it's about quantity over quality,
  1128.  
  1129. 256
  1130. 00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:36,334
  1131. like, "Hey, sweetheart!
  1132. You're ugly anyway. How about you?"
  1133.  
  1134. 257
  1135. 00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:37,710
  1136. You keep going through it.
  1137.  
  1138. 258
  1139. 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:41,422
  1140. Every guy knows you got to kiss a lot
  1141. of frogs if you're gonna what, guys?
  1142.  
  1143. 259
  1144. 00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,591
  1145. Fuck a frog, that's right. So...
  1146.  
  1147. 260
  1148. 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:48,346
  1149. 'Cause he knows. They're not going
  1150. to admit it to you, every guy knows
  1151.  
  1152. 261
  1153. 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,556
  1154. If he hits on, like, 20 women in a night,
  1155.  
  1156. 262
  1157. 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,517
  1158. one's gotta say yes.
  1159.  
  1160. 263
  1161. 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,644
  1162. Like, one gross-out's gotta be, like...
  1163.  
  1164. 264
  1165. 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,521
  1166. "Yeah, all right."
  1167.  
  1168. 265
  1169. 00:14:56,604 --> 00:15:00,233
  1170. 2 a.m. It's his Hail Mary,
  1171. at the buzzer pass,
  1172.  
  1173. 266
  1174. 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:04,487
  1175. the lights are coming on, he's like,
  1176. "How about you?"
  1177.  
  1178. 267
  1179. 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:07,782
  1180. Some girl will turn around and be, like,
  1181. "Okay.
  1182.  
  1183. 268
  1184. 00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:11,327
  1185. Can we wash my hump before we make love?
  1186.  
  1187. 269
  1188. 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,664
  1189. Just kidding. It's an egg.
  1190.  
  1191. 270
  1192. 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:15,623
  1193. So...
  1194.  
  1195. 271
  1196. 00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:23,047
  1197. By that same token, men aren't allowed
  1198.  
  1199. 272
  1200. 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,550
  1201. to have feelings in our society,
  1202. which isn't fair.
  1203.  
  1204. 273
  1205. 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,719
  1206. You're expected to move past it,
  1207. work through it. Get over it.
  1208.  
  1209. 274
  1210. 00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:31,097
  1211. Women don't get over...
  1212.  
  1213. 275
  1214. 00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:32,807
  1215. anything.
  1216.  
  1217. 276
  1218. 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,519
  1219. No, we don't get over it.
  1220.  
  1221. 277
  1222. 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,063
  1223. Instead, we hold onto it.
  1224.  
  1225. 278
  1226. 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,941
  1227. We hold onto that rejection.
  1228.  
  1229. 279
  1230. 00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:43,025
  1231. We hold onto it.
  1232.  
  1233. 280
  1234. 00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:47,363
  1235. We pluck it out of space-time
  1236. and we examine it from hindsight.
  1237.  
  1238. 281
  1239. 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,948
  1240. We put it in different scenarios.
  1241.  
  1242. 282
  1243. 00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:51,617
  1244. We bring in experts, like,
  1245. "Stacy, get over here!
  1246.  
  1247. 283
  1248. 00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:56,539
  1249. Remember that guy,
  1250. took me to Coachella, never called again?
  1251.  
  1252. 284
  1253. 00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:57,748
  1254. Shall we drive to his house?"
  1255.  
  1256. 285
  1257. 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:04,672
  1258. And sometimes... we hold onto the pain
  1259. of our rejection
  1260.  
  1261. 286
  1262. 00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,257
  1263. so tight...
  1264.  
  1265. 287
  1266. 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,217
  1267. that they become part...
  1268.  
  1269. 288
  1270. 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:11,262
  1271. of the makeup of our personalities.
  1272.  
  1273. 289
  1274. 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:15,892
  1275. And then we get to use the pain
  1276. of that past rejection, ladies,
  1277.  
  1278. 290
  1279. 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:22,482
  1280. as an excuse for why we are the weird
  1281. brand of fucked-up that we are, now!
  1282.  
  1283. 291
  1284. 00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:32,783
  1285. 'Cause he broke up with me over breakfast,
  1286.  
  1287. 292
  1288. 00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:36,412
  1289. so now I don't drink milk, and I'm
  1290. annoying. Like, it's always... something.
  1291.  
  1292. 293
  1293. 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:41,501
  1294. Every girl in here remembers
  1295. almost every time she was rejected.
  1296.  
  1297. 294
  1298. 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:43,836
  1299. For women, it doesn't happen as much
  1300. as for men.
  1301.  
  1302. 295
  1303. 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,924
  1304. And every human remembers the first
  1305. time they were rejected. I'll go first.
  1306.  
  1307. 296
  1308. 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,342
  1309. Fourth grade. So...
  1310.  
  1311. 297
  1312. 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:53,471
  1313. We were going to sit down for circle time.
  1314.  
  1315. 298
  1316. 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,892
  1317. I went and sat by a boy
  1318. that I thought was cute.
  1319.  
  1320. 299
  1321. 00:16:57,975 --> 00:16:59,477
  1322. And he told me to go away.
  1323.  
  1324. 300
  1325. 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,730
  1326. Now, he's dead.
  1327.  
  1328. 301
  1329. 00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,443
  1330. Now I don't sit in circles any more.
  1331.  
  1332. 302
  1333. 00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:11,739
  1334. But we cherish our rejections.
  1335.  
  1336. 303
  1337. 00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,908
  1338. They give us texture, personality.
  1339.  
  1340. 304
  1341. 00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,993
  1342. We take each one and we label it.
  1343.  
  1344. 305
  1345. 00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:19,830
  1346. We label each issue, each past grievance,
  1347. in its own Mason jar.
  1348.  
  1349. 306
  1350. 00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:21,749
  1351. It's very rustic. Pin it. And we put it...
  1352.  
  1353. 307
  1354. 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:26,128
  1355. into our sack of emotional baggage.
  1356. Each one.
  1357.  
  1358. 308
  1359. 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,631
  1360. He broke up with me
  1361. because I slept with his brother.
  1362.  
  1363. 309
  1364. 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,467
  1365. They're twins. They should have worn
  1366. different color hats or something.
  1367.  
  1368. 310
  1369. 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,345
  1370. I was set up. And we put it...
  1371.  
  1372. 311
  1373. 00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:37,640
  1374. into our baggage, and we throw
  1375. that baggage over our shoulder
  1376.  
  1377. 312
  1378. 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,392
  1379. and what do we do, girls?
  1380.  
  1381. 313
  1382. 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:44,397
  1383. We then walk it into the <i>new </i>relationship.
  1384.  
  1385. 314
  1386. 00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:48,985
  1387. Yes. And the best part is,
  1388. the new boyfriend...
  1389.  
  1390. 315
  1391. 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,070
  1392. has no idea...
  1393.  
  1394. 316
  1395. 00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,242
  1396. what you're hauling.
  1397.  
  1398. 317
  1399. 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:59,787
  1400. And he welcomes you.
  1401. Yes, he welcomes you
  1402.  
  1403. 318
  1404. 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,038
  1405. to the new union.
  1406.  
  1407. 319
  1408. 00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:04,417
  1409. Come on in. You seem pretty cool
  1410. and well-adjusted.
  1411.  
  1412. 320
  1413. 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,628
  1414. And you're, like, "Oh, I am!
  1415.  
  1416. 321
  1417. 00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:14,302
  1418. Yes, this seems like a safe place
  1419. for me to...
  1420.  
  1421. 322
  1422. 00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,555
  1423. unpack my shit!"
  1424.  
  1425. 323
  1426. 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,983
  1427. Another big reason
  1428. women don't hit on men
  1429.  
  1430. 324
  1431. 00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:33,946
  1432. is because men... typically don't find
  1433. strong women attractive.
  1434.  
  1435. 325
  1436. 00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:37,658
  1437. They don't. Your date's going
  1438. to look at you, like, "No way, babe.
  1439.  
  1440. 326
  1441. 00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:40,745
  1442. I love a strong woman."
  1443. Bullshit, Chad, okay?
  1444.  
  1445. 327
  1446. 00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:44,999
  1447. They love vulnerability.
  1448.  
  1449. 328
  1450. 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,835
  1451. It's very attractive
  1452. when a woman is vulnerable.
  1453.  
  1454. 329
  1455. 00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:48,794
  1456. Why is that?
  1457.  
  1458. 330
  1459. 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,588
  1460. Men are very physical creatures.
  1461.  
  1462. 331
  1463. 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:52,798
  1464. Women are very verbal.
  1465. Men are very physical.
  1466.  
  1467. 332
  1468. 00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,926
  1469. When a woman is vulnerable,
  1470. hypothetically, it would mean...
  1471.  
  1472. 333
  1473. 00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,720
  1474. that she needs physical help.
  1475.  
  1476. 334
  1477. 00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:00,473
  1478. When a man feels he can be of help,
  1479. physically,
  1480.  
  1481. 335
  1482. 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:03,726
  1483. then he feels needed, and that makes
  1484. him feel good and attractive.
  1485.  
  1486. 336
  1487. 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,771
  1488. When a man feels he can insert himself.
  1489. No pun intended.
  1490.  
  1491. 337
  1492. 00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:10,066
  1493. Fuck it. We're making a comedy show.
  1494. Pun intended, okay?
  1495.  
  1496. 338
  1497. 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,194
  1498. You got to give him something to do.
  1499.  
  1500. 339
  1501. 00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:15,613
  1502. We, as women, a lot of times fault men
  1503.  
  1504. 340
  1505. 00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:17,823
  1506. for not communicating the way we do.
  1507.  
  1508. 341
  1509. 00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:20,242
  1510. Women speak more words on average
  1511. than men.
  1512.  
  1513. 342
  1514. 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:23,996
  1515. It's not that one's better or dumber
  1516. than the other, it's the way we are.
  1517.  
  1518. 343
  1519. 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:27,291
  1520. We talk <i>at </i>you. "I wanna be communicative
  1521. about being communicative.
  1522.  
  1523. 344
  1524. 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:30,294
  1525. You're not saying anything. Why?
  1526. You're being uncommunicative.
  1527.  
  1528. 345
  1529. 00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:34,423
  1530. And I want to talk about how much I hate
  1531. Stacy. When you meet her, you're gonna."
  1532.  
  1533. 346
  1534. 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,466
  1535. We have to have...
  1536.  
  1537. 347
  1538. 00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:39,136
  1539. He's just sitting there, like,
  1540. "Mongo, no." Like, it's scary.
  1541.  
  1542. 348
  1543. 00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:43,849
  1544. If you have any doubt a guy likes you,
  1545.  
  1546. 349
  1547. 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:46,560
  1548. don't always look for the words,
  1549. look for the actions.
  1550.  
  1551. 350
  1552. 00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:47,770
  1553. They will show you.
  1554.  
  1555. 351
  1556. 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,564
  1557. I wish someone had told this to me
  1558. when I was in my 20s.
  1559.  
  1560. 352
  1561. 00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:53,859
  1562. When you're younger, you're, like,
  1563. "He's not texting back. He's busy.
  1564.  
  1565. 353
  1566. 00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,361
  1567. He's at work. His family died."
  1568.  
  1569. 354
  1570. 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:56,946
  1571. There's no bullshit like that.
  1572.  
  1573. 355
  1574. 00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,990
  1575. When a guy likes you, he shows up.
  1576.  
  1577. 356
  1578. 00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:02,743
  1579. If you have any doubt the guy likes you,
  1580.  
  1581. 357
  1582. 00:20:02,827 --> 00:20:04,453
  1583. give him something to do.
  1584.  
  1585. 358
  1586. 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,205
  1587. If a guy likes you, he'll do anything.
  1588.  
  1589. 359
  1590. 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,541
  1591. Will you carry this glittery brick
  1592. of cat shit?
  1593.  
  1594. 360
  1595. 00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:09,750
  1596. He's, like, "No problem."
  1597.  
  1598. 361
  1599. 00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:18,759
  1600. When a guy likes you,
  1601. carrying your purse isn't an issue.
  1602.  
  1603. 362
  1604. 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,553
  1605. They'll carry your bags if they're heavy.
  1606.  
  1607. 363
  1608. 00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:23,264
  1609. They'll put gas in the car
  1610. if you don't want to deal.
  1611.  
  1612. 364
  1613. 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,182
  1614. They'll check under the hood for the...
  1615.  
  1616. 365
  1617. 00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:26,726
  1618. thing, I don't know.
  1619.  
  1620. 366
  1621. 00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:27,852
  1622. But they'll do that.
  1623.  
  1624. 367
  1625. 00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:33,649
  1626. It's very attractive when a woman
  1627. is vulnerable and needs help.
  1628.  
  1629. 368
  1630. 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,985
  1631. And that's historically
  1632. always been that way.
  1633.  
  1634. 369
  1635. 00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,362
  1636. I didn't make that up.
  1637. That's why the term is...
  1638.  
  1639. 370
  1640. 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:39,905
  1641. <i>"damsel</i> in distress".
  1642.  
  1643. 371
  1644. 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:43,200
  1645. Not "overly opinionated dyke
  1646. who needs a fucking hand, man!"
  1647.  
  1648. 372
  1649. 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:44,118
  1650. That's why.
  1651.  
  1652. 373
  1653. 00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:52,168
  1654. If a woman can do it herself,
  1655. it's not as attractive. Put it this way.
  1656.  
  1657. 374
  1658. 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,878
  1659. If we're all animals, okay?
  1660.  
  1661. 375
  1662. 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:55,254
  1663. And men are...
  1664.  
  1665. 376
  1666. 00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:56,213
  1667. lions.
  1668.  
  1669. 377
  1670. 00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:59,425
  1671. And women are, like, gazelles.
  1672.  
  1673. 378
  1674. 00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:02,636
  1675. What's a lion, if he's hungry,
  1676. more likely to go after?
  1677.  
  1678. 379
  1679. 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:05,181
  1680. The gazelle, running at 90,
  1681.  
  1682. 380
  1683. 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,349
  1684. unencumbered by a self-esteem issue?
  1685.  
  1686. 381
  1687. 00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:09,769
  1688. Like, I own my home and have a Ph.D.
  1689.  
  1690. 382
  1691. 00:21:24,742 --> 00:21:27,703
  1692. I enjoy witty banter,
  1693. I just put a down payment on a boat,
  1694.  
  1695. 383
  1696. 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,080
  1697. and I don't hate my daddy. Onward!
  1698.  
  1699. 384
  1700. 00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:36,504
  1701. Or...
  1702.  
  1703. 385
  1704. 00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:40,216
  1705. remember he's hungry. Or...
  1706.  
  1707. 386
  1708. 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:44,303
  1709. the gazelle with the broken hoof, like,
  1710. "Help, how does basketball work?"
  1711.  
  1712. 387
  1713. 00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:45,221
  1714. Like, what?
  1715.  
  1716. 388
  1717. 00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:50,810
  1718. An easier meal.
  1719.  
  1720. 389
  1721. 00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:55,564
  1722. Side note.
  1723.  
  1724. 390
  1725. 00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:59,193
  1726. I am aware that it's the lioness
  1727. not the lion that does the hunting.
  1728.  
  1729. 391
  1730. 00:21:59,276 --> 00:22:03,155
  1731. Let's pretend that lion was a bachelor
  1732. and hadn't met his wife yet. Okay, so...
  1733.  
  1734. 392
  1735. 00:22:03,906 --> 00:22:05,908
  1736. We got the zoologist questions
  1737. out of the way.
  1738.  
  1739. 393
  1740. 00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:08,285
  1741. So...
  1742.  
  1743. 394
  1744. 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,371
  1745. I will stand up here,
  1746.  
  1747. 395
  1748. 00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:13,958
  1749. and perhaps women in your life you
  1750. consider strong will stand before you
  1751.  
  1752. 396
  1753. 00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:17,169
  1754. and tell you,
  1755. "Be strong, do it your way, be tough."
  1756.  
  1757. 397
  1758. 00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:20,464
  1759. It's one thing to say that,
  1760. and for a lot of women
  1761.  
  1762. 398
  1763. 00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:22,424
  1764. it's very difficult to live that
  1765.  
  1766. 399
  1767. 00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:25,511
  1768. when everything that we're taught
  1769. tells us the opposite.
  1770.  
  1771. 400
  1772. 00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:28,264
  1773. Every movie we've seen
  1774. since we were little girls
  1775.  
  1776. 401
  1777. 00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,765
  1778. has an opposite message.
  1779.  
  1780. 402
  1781. 00:22:29,849 --> 00:22:32,184
  1782. In movies, it's not the strong girl,
  1783.  
  1784. 403
  1785. 00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,603
  1786. the funny girl, the brave girl,
  1787.  
  1788. 404
  1789. 00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:38,983
  1790. the smart girl, the loud girl,
  1791. the opinionated girl who gets the hot guy.
  1792.  
  1793. 405
  1794. 00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:43,320
  1795. No, girls like me get, like, fucking Steve
  1796. Zahn and Jonah Hill. Like, that's what...
  1797.  
  1798. 406
  1799. 00:22:44,572 --> 00:22:48,534
  1800. She <i>is </i>funny, he <i>looks </i>funny, then they'll
  1801. fuck funny and appreciate each other.
  1802.  
  1803. 407
  1804. 00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:50,119
  1805. And it's always...
  1806.  
  1807. 408
  1808. 00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:53,747
  1809. it's always the quiet girl.
  1810.  
  1811. 409
  1812. 00:22:53,831 --> 00:22:56,125
  1813. Right, the new girl that gets, like,
  1814. Channing Tatum.
  1815.  
  1816. 410
  1817. 00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:59,879
  1818. It's always the girl that doesn't realize
  1819. how beautiful she is.
  1820.  
  1821. 411
  1822. 00:22:59,962 --> 00:23:02,506
  1823. The girl that isn't funny,
  1824. isn't opinionated.
  1825.  
  1826. 412
  1827. 00:23:02,590 --> 00:23:06,010
  1828. The subtext of that message is,
  1829. "That's right. That's right, girls.
  1830.  
  1831. 413
  1832. 00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:09,638
  1833. Men don't like a lippy woman,
  1834. so zip it, honey."
  1835.  
  1836. 414
  1837. 00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:13,893
  1838. It's always the girl
  1839. that doesn't know she's hot.
  1840.  
  1841. 415
  1842. 00:23:13,976 --> 00:23:16,937
  1843. Which, by the way,
  1844. that Hollywood archetype? Bullshit.
  1845.  
  1846. 416
  1847. 00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:19,398
  1848. Okay? It's bullshit.
  1849.  
  1850. 417
  1851. 00:23:21,859 --> 00:23:23,944
  1852. Because you fucking know when you're hot.
  1853.  
  1854. 418
  1855. 00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:26,614
  1856. No one's walking around, like,
  1857.  
  1858. 419
  1859. 00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:29,408
  1860. "What do I do with these giant tits
  1861. and thin legs?"
  1862.  
  1863. 420
  1864. 00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:38,417
  1865. How did I get on this Victoria's Secret
  1866. catwalk? I'm choking on my silky hair."
  1867.  
  1868. 421
  1869. 00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:39,960
  1870. Like, you know.
  1871.  
  1872. 422
  1873. 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:46,050
  1874. We keep seeing the same story
  1875. over and over.
  1876.  
  1877. 423
  1878. 00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:48,636
  1879. It's about the girl
  1880. that's unsure of herself,
  1881.  
  1882. 424
  1883. 00:23:48,719 --> 00:23:50,304
  1884. and a guy sees through it,
  1885.  
  1886. 425
  1887. 00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:53,515
  1888. and she realizes how beautiful she is
  1889. when she takes off her glasses...
  1890.  
  1891. 426
  1892. 00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:54,975
  1893. it's the same thing.
  1894.  
  1895. 427
  1896. 00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:58,395
  1897. Always the girl, like,
  1898. "I don't know if I should go out."
  1899.  
  1900. 428
  1901. 00:23:58,479 --> 00:24:01,148
  1902. The girls that are outgoing that maybe
  1903. enjoy their bodies,
  1904.  
  1905. 429
  1906. 00:24:01,231 --> 00:24:02,942
  1907. are confident, like, "Let's go out!"
  1908.  
  1909. 430
  1910. 00:24:03,025 --> 00:24:06,779
  1911. "I don't know. I should stay home.
  1912. I've never left the house before."
  1913.  
  1914. 431
  1915. 00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:11,742
  1916. We're taking you out. Let's go drink,
  1917. let's go dance...
  1918.  
  1919. 432
  1920. 00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:13,619
  1921. I should stay in. Stay in and study.
  1922.  
  1923. 433
  1924. 00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:17,039
  1925. We're 35. What are you
  1926. fucking talking about? Let's go!
  1927.  
  1928. 434
  1929. 00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:22,252
  1930. Walk into the nightclub,
  1931.  
  1932. 435
  1933. 00:24:22,336 --> 00:24:25,047
  1934. all the girls that are confident
  1935. are dancing, they're having fun.
  1936.  
  1937. 436
  1938. 00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:29,051
  1939. Like, "Hey, Channing Tatum!"
  1940. He's, like, "Later, hookers. I want her!"
  1941.  
  1942. 437
  1943. 00:24:29,677 --> 00:24:30,511
  1944. All the girls...
  1945.  
  1946. 438
  1947. 00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:32,262
  1948. "Uh-uh. Her."
  1949.  
  1950. 439
  1951. 00:24:32,346 --> 00:24:35,599
  1952. Cut to our hero, she's just sitting there
  1953. in a corner, just...
  1954.  
  1955. 440
  1956. 00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:39,395
  1957. maybe she wore, like, board shorts
  1958. to the club. She has no idea.
  1959.  
  1960. 441
  1961. 00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:41,313
  1962. She's reading a book.
  1963.  
  1964. 442
  1965. 00:24:42,272 --> 00:24:44,566
  1966. Maybe she has brown hair. Whatever.
  1967.  
  1968. 443
  1969. 00:24:48,070 --> 00:24:49,488
  1970. Before you get all offended at that,
  1971.  
  1972. 444
  1973. 00:24:49,571 --> 00:24:52,282
  1974. look at all of our eyebrows.
  1975. We all have brown hair, okay.
  1976.  
  1977. 445
  1978. 00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:55,494
  1979. Maybe not you, I don't know.
  1980.  
  1981. 446
  1982. 00:24:56,787 --> 00:24:59,081
  1983. I don't see any
  1984. pure Norwegians here, okay?
  1985.  
  1986. 447
  1987. 00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:04,920
  1988. This joke isn't about
  1989. shaming that type of woman.
  1990.  
  1991. 448
  1992. 00:25:05,254 --> 00:25:07,047
  1993. This joke is not about that.
  1994.  
  1995. 449
  1996. 00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:09,049
  1997. Whatever kind of woman you are,
  1998.  
  1999. 450
  2000. 00:25:09,133 --> 00:25:11,677
  2001. quiet, fat, small, big or tall,
  2002.  
  2003. 451
  2004. 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,721
  2005. loud, you don't know much,
  2006. you got a gill,
  2007.  
  2008. 452
  2009. 00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:15,472
  2010. whatever kind of woman you are...
  2011.  
  2012. 453
  2013. 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,267
  2014. you are right.
  2015.  
  2016. 454
  2017. 00:25:19,059 --> 00:25:19,893
  2018. That's it.
  2019.  
  2020. 455
  2021. 00:25:20,269 --> 00:25:22,271
  2022. Whatever you've chosen to be...
  2023.  
  2024. 456
  2025. 00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:25,190
  2026. whatever you want to be...
  2027.  
  2028. 457
  2029. 00:25:27,484 --> 00:25:30,612
  2030. you are correct in being that
  2031. as long as you're happy.
  2032.  
  2033. 458
  2034. 00:25:30,696 --> 00:25:34,324
  2035. My point to you, is if you are
  2036. the shy type,
  2037.  
  2038. 459
  2039. 00:25:34,408 --> 00:25:36,410
  2040. if you are the wallflower,
  2041.  
  2042. 460
  2043. 00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:38,328
  2044. if you are the shrinking violet,
  2045.  
  2046. 461
  2047. 00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:41,957
  2048. if you are another... floral metaphor
  2049. that has to do...
  2050.  
  2051. 462
  2052. 00:25:42,875 --> 00:25:45,210
  2053. with being an introvert,
  2054. my point to you
  2055.  
  2056. 463
  2057. 00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:50,632
  2058. is that you don't want the guy who wants
  2059. you because of that energy.
  2060.  
  2061. 464
  2062. 00:25:50,841 --> 00:25:53,969
  2063. A man who wants a woman
  2064. because she looks scared...
  2065.  
  2066. 465
  2067. 00:25:54,595 --> 00:25:56,055
  2068. is a sexual predator.
  2069.  
  2070. 466
  2071. 00:25:58,724 --> 00:25:59,558
  2072. Okay?
  2073.  
  2074. 467
  2075. 00:26:02,728 --> 00:26:04,855
  2076. All these girls that he could hit on,
  2077.  
  2078. 468
  2079. 00:26:04,938 --> 00:26:07,941
  2080. he picks the one that's shivering
  2081. like a wet chihuahua.
  2082.  
  2083. 469
  2084. 00:26:08,984 --> 00:26:12,488
  2085. Like a nervous street urchin
  2086. just in a corner
  2087.  
  2088. 470
  2089. 00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:14,448
  2090. putting out all kinds of "no" vibes.
  2091.  
  2092. 471
  2093. 00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:17,451
  2094. You don't want the guy that walks up,
  2095. like, "Excuse me.
  2096.  
  2097. 472
  2098. 00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:19,953
  2099. I couldn't help but notice
  2100. you look terrified.
  2101.  
  2102. 473
  2103. 00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:25,709
  2104. Wanna see my dick?" So...
  2105.  
  2106. 474
  2107. 00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:31,757
  2108. "I was out with my buddies.
  2109.  
  2110. 475
  2111. 00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:34,384
  2112. I wasn't looking for anyone.
  2113.  
  2114. 476
  2115. 00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:37,596
  2116. And I saw her."
  2117.  
  2118. 477
  2119. 00:26:38,806 --> 00:26:40,390
  2120. The idea...
  2121.  
  2122. 478
  2123. 00:26:41,016 --> 00:26:43,143
  2124. that in a nightlife setting...
  2125.  
  2126. 479
  2127. 00:26:43,644 --> 00:26:46,313
  2128. that the man would ever see the woman...
  2129.  
  2130. 480
  2131. 00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:49,942
  2132. before the woman saw the man.
  2133.  
  2134. 481
  2135. 00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:57,032
  2136. No.
  2137.  
  2138. 482
  2139. 00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:02,704
  2140. Women are astute, but moreover, women
  2141. are the ones with the biological clocks.
  2142.  
  2143. 483
  2144. 00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:06,291
  2145. Women are the ones with
  2146. the socially predetermined shelf life.
  2147.  
  2148. 484
  2149. 00:27:06,375 --> 00:27:09,711
  2150. Women are the ones who are cantilevered
  2151. off the edge of high heels.
  2152.  
  2153. 485
  2154. 00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:11,755
  2155. We've got five hours
  2156. before we take them off
  2157.  
  2158. 486
  2159. 00:27:11,839 --> 00:27:13,632
  2160. and walk through a lobby flat-foot, okay.
  2161.  
  2162. 487
  2163. 00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:17,344
  2164. Women are the ones whose skin
  2165. and foundation is dehydrating
  2166.  
  2167. 488
  2168. 00:27:17,427 --> 00:27:19,346
  2169. with every alcoholic beverage imbibed.
  2170.  
  2171. 489
  2172. 00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:23,517
  2173. We are the ones on a time crunch,
  2174. on a schedule, okay?
  2175.  
  2176. 490
  2177. 00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:25,102
  2178. You saw me first?
  2179.  
  2180. 491
  2181. 00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:26,603
  2182. Bullshit, motherfucker.
  2183.  
  2184. 492
  2185. 00:27:26,687 --> 00:27:27,604
  2186. I clocked you!
  2187.  
  2188. 493
  2189. 00:27:36,613 --> 00:27:39,074
  2190. Like, the second you walked in.
  2191.  
  2192. 494
  2193. 00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:43,245
  2194. Dudes walk in in a pack, unaware, like,
  2195. "I'd better fill out this bracket,
  2196.  
  2197. 495
  2198. 00:27:43,328 --> 00:27:46,165
  2199. or I'll turn into a pumpkin at midnight."
  2200. You're not even...
  2201.  
  2202. 496
  2203. 00:27:46,874 --> 00:27:50,043
  2204. You walked in, I was already hunting
  2205. with five other women.
  2206.  
  2207. 497
  2208. 00:27:50,627 --> 00:27:52,713
  2209. He walked in and I was, like, "Hold!"
  2210.  
  2211. 498
  2212. 00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:54,798
  2213. And then we stalked around you.
  2214.  
  2215. 499
  2216. 00:27:57,676 --> 00:28:00,971
  2217. Encircled you, sussed you out,
  2218. like a German shepherd
  2219.  
  2220. 500
  2221. 00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:05,017
  2222. sniffing out an IED in the sand,
  2223. motherfucker. Like, we...
  2224.  
  2225. 501
  2226. 00:28:06,852 --> 00:28:11,398
  2227. A lot of times, men pride themselves
  2228. on being very observant, right?
  2229.  
  2230. 502
  2231. 00:28:11,607 --> 00:28:13,442
  2232. Ever date a guy that,
  2233. you go to a restaurant,
  2234.  
  2235. 503
  2236. 00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:15,861
  2237. can't sit with his back to the door?
  2238.  
  2239. 504
  2240. 00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:20,532
  2241. "I gotta sit with my back to the wall
  2242. so I can assess all entrance
  2243.  
  2244. 505
  2245. 00:28:20,616 --> 00:28:23,285
  2246. and exit points. I gotta make sure that..."
  2247.  
  2248. 506
  2249. 00:28:23,368 --> 00:28:25,996
  2250. Okay, while you're checking out
  2251. the people eating at Denny's,
  2252.  
  2253. 507
  2254. 00:28:26,079 --> 00:28:28,415
  2255. I checked your fucking credit score, okay?
  2256.  
  2257. 508
  2258. 00:28:30,584 --> 00:28:32,711
  2259. While you were doing counter-surveillance,
  2260.  
  2261. 509
  2262. 00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:36,256
  2263. I looked you up and down,
  2264. I gave you a pre-cancer mole check.
  2265.  
  2266. 510
  2267. 00:28:36,340 --> 00:28:38,592
  2268. It's benign, move on.
  2269. I looked at everything.
  2270.  
  2271. 511
  2272. 00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:42,971
  2273. "I'm an alpha. I gotta look at the door."
  2274.  
  2275. 512
  2276. 00:28:43,138 --> 00:28:46,391
  2277. If you ever date a man that says
  2278. he's an alpha...
  2279.  
  2280. 513
  2281. 00:28:46,934 --> 00:28:47,976
  2282. he's a beta. So...
  2283.  
  2284. 514
  2285. 00:28:50,187 --> 00:28:51,980
  2286. A lion doesn't tell you he's a lion.
  2287.  
  2288. 515
  2289. 00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:55,192
  2290. He just lets the girl hunt for him.
  2291. Okay, so...
  2292.  
  2293. 516
  2294. 00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:59,905
  2295. So, we look at everything.
  2296. You think men judge women harshly?
  2297.  
  2298. 517
  2299. 00:28:59,988 --> 00:29:03,742
  2300. They do. But, gentlemen, you have no idea
  2301. what we're looking at.
  2302.  
  2303. 518
  2304. 00:29:04,618 --> 00:29:06,662
  2305. We're judging your hair, your shoes,
  2306.  
  2307. 519
  2308. 00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:09,122
  2309. we scan you, like Predator.
  2310.  
  2311. 520
  2312. 00:29:10,916 --> 00:29:15,170
  2313. Every atom, every molecule of your DNA,
  2314. we go through it like...
  2315.  
  2316. 521
  2317. 00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:18,590
  2318. "Scanning for physical abnormalities.
  2319.  
  2320. 522
  2321. 00:29:22,469 --> 00:29:25,847
  2322. Is he balding? Okay, but is it in
  2323. a weird way?
  2324.  
  2325. 523
  2326. 00:29:35,232 --> 00:29:37,693
  2327. Is that a goatee? What's happening there?
  2328.  
  2329. 524
  2330. 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,827
  2331. Is his shirt unbuttoned too low
  2332. for his ethnicity?
  2333.  
  2334. 525
  2335. 00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:57,004
  2336. Is he wearing embroidered jeans?
  2337.  
  2338. 526
  2339. 00:29:57,087 --> 00:30:01,341
  2340. If so, is he a European male
  2341. or just someone from Arizona?"
  2342.  
  2343. 527
  2344. 00:30:01,425 --> 00:30:02,718
  2345. Like, we go through it.
  2346.  
  2347. 528
  2348. 00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:07,222
  2349. We go through it.
  2350.  
  2351. 529
  2352. 00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:15,772
  2353. We aren't looking to see
  2354. if you're the hottest guy ever. Nay.
  2355.  
  2356. 530
  2357. 00:30:15,856 --> 00:30:20,360
  2358. We are merely assessing
  2359. if you're 50% attractive enough
  2360.  
  2361. 531
  2362. 00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:24,489
  2363. that we want to put the effort
  2364. into putting ourselves in your orbit.
  2365.  
  2366. 532
  2367. 00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:29,578
  2368. So that, in an hour, after a drink or two,
  2369. you, gentlemen, have the luxury
  2370.  
  2371. 533
  2372. 00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:33,582
  2373. of turning around and being, like, "Oh,
  2374. excuse me, I couldn't help but notice."
  2375.  
  2376. 534
  2377. 00:30:33,665 --> 00:30:35,167
  2378. Then we turn around, like...
  2379.  
  2380. 535
  2381. 00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:36,585
  2382. Really?
  2383.  
  2384. 536
  2385. 00:30:39,296 --> 00:30:41,965
  2386. That's it.
  2387. Just set it up for you to knock it down.
  2388.  
  2389. 537
  2390. 00:30:43,592 --> 00:30:48,138
  2391. A lot of times it's not that easy.
  2392. We see a guy we think is cute...
  2393.  
  2394. 538
  2395. 00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:52,601
  2396. and he doesn't notice us,
  2397. so we have to <i>make</i> you... notice us.
  2398.  
  2399. 539
  2400. 00:30:53,477 --> 00:30:56,396
  2401. A lot of times, we get our girlfriend
  2402. to help us. Every girl's done this.
  2403.  
  2404. 540
  2405. 00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,149
  2406. There's a boy over there you think
  2407. is cute, you're, like, "Come here.
  2408.  
  2409. 541
  2410. 00:31:00,901 --> 00:31:02,235
  2411. Do you see that guy, over there?
  2412.  
  2413. 542
  2414. 00:31:04,613 --> 00:31:05,489
  2415. Over there.
  2416.  
  2417. 543
  2418. 00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:07,699
  2419. Over there.
  2420.  
  2421. 544
  2422. 00:31:08,492 --> 00:31:10,827
  2423. Do you see him? Do you see that guy?
  2424. Are you looking?
  2425.  
  2426. 545
  2427. 00:31:10,911 --> 00:31:12,829
  2428. Don't look!
  2429. Do you see him? Are you looking?
  2430.  
  2431. 546
  2432. 00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:16,083
  2433. Is he looking? He's looking? He's looking?
  2434. Start dancing.
  2435.  
  2436. 547
  2437. 00:31:23,131 --> 00:31:26,676
  2438. Come here, keep talking. Say something
  2439. funny so I don't look like a loser."
  2440.  
  2441. 548
  2442. 00:31:31,515 --> 00:31:33,016
  2443. You're trying to put out...
  2444.  
  2445. 549
  2446. 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:35,727
  2447. this vibe that you're so carefree.
  2448.  
  2449. 550
  2450. 00:31:35,811 --> 00:31:39,689
  2451. 'Cause you, and don't lie about this,
  2452. you want him to look over and be, like,
  2453.  
  2454. 551
  2455. 00:31:39,773 --> 00:31:43,527
  2456. "There will never be another, there
  2457. has never been another. She is the one."
  2458.  
  2459. 552
  2460. 00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:45,779
  2461. You want him to be so taken.
  2462.  
  2463. 553
  2464. 00:31:45,862 --> 00:31:48,365
  2465. "She looks like she doesn't need a man,
  2466. so carefree."
  2467.  
  2468. 554
  2469. 00:31:48,448 --> 00:31:50,325
  2470. I'm so carefree, I don't use condoms!
  2471.  
  2472. 555
  2473. 00:31:54,246 --> 00:31:55,080
  2474. So effortless.
  2475.  
  2476. 556
  2477. 00:31:58,291 --> 00:32:02,295
  2478. If he was close, he wouldn't be hearing
  2479. it. From afar, you want him to hear...
  2480.  
  2481. 557
  2482. 00:32:02,379 --> 00:32:03,547
  2483. Sports.
  2484.  
  2485. 558
  2486. 00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:06,383
  2487. If he were close,
  2488. what he'd actually hear is your...
  2489.  
  2490. 559
  2491. 00:32:06,466 --> 00:32:08,343
  2492. Like, you're trying so hard.
  2493.  
  2494. 560
  2495. 00:32:08,718 --> 00:32:09,553
  2496. Please!
  2497.  
  2498. 561
  2499. 00:32:12,055 --> 00:32:14,766
  2500. He's going to find you,
  2501. he'll see you at some point.
  2502.  
  2503. 562
  2504. 00:32:14,850 --> 00:32:18,437
  2505. There's only so many places in a bar,
  2506. a club, that your eyes can fall.
  2507.  
  2508. 563
  2509. 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:21,690
  2510. He's going to see you.
  2511. This is the important part girls, okay?
  2512.  
  2513. 564
  2514. 00:32:21,773 --> 00:32:24,151
  2515. You're out there,
  2516. it's a competitive situation.
  2517.  
  2518. 565
  2519. 00:32:24,234 --> 00:32:26,486
  2520. There's a lot of girls,
  2521. there's a lot of bars.
  2522.  
  2523. 566
  2524. 00:32:26,570 --> 00:32:29,406
  2525. He's gonna look at you,
  2526. that's your chance, okay?
  2527.  
  2528. 567
  2529. 00:32:29,573 --> 00:32:31,408
  2530. That's your chance.
  2531. You've only got one shot.
  2532.  
  2533. 568
  2534. 00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:34,327
  2535. It's like <i>8 Mile,</i> but with flirting.
  2536.  
  2537. 569
  2538. 00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:38,498
  2539. Hopefully there's no vomit on your shirt.
  2540.  
  2541. 570
  2542. 00:32:39,875 --> 00:32:43,086
  2543. Maybe it's a good thing. He'd be, like,
  2544. "She parties!" I don't know.
  2545.  
  2546. 571
  2547. 00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:47,424
  2548. He's going to look over, the lights
  2549. are going to reflect and refract,
  2550.  
  2551. 572
  2552. 00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:49,509
  2553. and they'll hit you both and
  2554. he's gonna see you,
  2555.  
  2556. 573
  2557. 00:32:49,593 --> 00:32:51,219
  2558. and that's your chance, ladies,
  2559.  
  2560. 574
  2561. 00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:52,929
  2562. to fucking stick it, and pose,
  2563.  
  2564. 575
  2565. 00:32:53,013 --> 00:32:55,140
  2566. like a peacock in heat that you are.
  2567. Just...
  2568.  
  2569. 576
  2570. 00:33:10,864 --> 00:33:12,240
  2571. Don't dance like that.
  2572.  
  2573. 577
  2574. 00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:16,411
  2575. Little bit of insight to stand-up comedy,
  2576.  
  2577. 578
  2578. 00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:19,080
  2579. and the risk and reward
  2580. with choosing certain jokes.
  2581.  
  2582. 579
  2583. 00:33:19,164 --> 00:33:21,458
  2584. That joke is a risk because I realize
  2585.  
  2586. 580
  2587. 00:33:21,541 --> 00:33:24,419
  2588. not every one here knows...
  2589. what a peacock sounds like.
  2590.  
  2591. 581
  2592. 00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:29,174
  2593. But for, like, the 12 of you that knew,
  2594.  
  2595. 582
  2596. 00:33:29,508 --> 00:33:31,259
  2597. it was so worth it for me.
  2598.  
  2599. 583
  2600. 00:33:38,433 --> 00:33:40,143
  2601. And for the rest of you,
  2602.  
  2603. 584
  2604. 00:33:40,227 --> 00:33:42,896
  2605. the good news is
  2606. you don't ever have to hear a peacock,
  2607.  
  2608. 585
  2609. 00:33:42,979 --> 00:33:46,775
  2610. 'cause that was, like, top ten peacock
  2611. impressions you're going to hear...
  2612.  
  2613. 586
  2614. 00:33:47,275 --> 00:33:48,151
  2615. tonight.
  2616.  
  2617. 587
  2618. 00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:55,575
  2619. I hate it. I hate the noise.
  2620. I'm allowed to make fun of peacocks,
  2621.  
  2622. 588
  2623. 00:33:55,659 --> 00:33:57,035
  2624. 'cause I grew up with them.
  2625.  
  2626. 589
  2627. 00:33:58,537 --> 00:34:01,623
  2628. What I find so unsettling,
  2629. if I might divert from the stand-up
  2630.  
  2631. 590
  2632. 00:34:01,706 --> 00:34:04,668
  2633. to a TED Talk about ornithology
  2634. for two seconds, the...
  2635.  
  2636. 591
  2637. 00:34:04,918 --> 00:34:07,712
  2638. it's the dip in the mating call
  2639. that gives me...
  2640.  
  2641. 592
  2642. 00:34:09,714 --> 00:34:10,715
  2643. It's just not...
  2644.  
  2645. 593
  2646. 00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:16,221
  2647. We, as avian enthusiasts, which is
  2648. why you've come to my comedy show...
  2649.  
  2650. 594
  2651. 00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:20,559
  2652. enjoy consistency in a mating call.
  2653.  
  2654. 595
  2655. 00:34:20,642 --> 00:34:22,894
  2656. Like, a crow or a raven is like...
  2657.  
  2658. 596
  2659. 00:34:22,978 --> 00:34:24,938
  2660. It just goes. Right?
  2661.  
  2662. 597
  2663. 00:34:25,855 --> 00:34:30,610
  2664. And a dove and its low-rent cousin,
  2665. the pigeon, that's just...
  2666.  
  2667. 598
  2668. 00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:34,030
  2669. Right?
  2670.  
  2671. 599
  2672. 00:34:37,033 --> 00:34:39,327
  2673. The dove and the bird it
  2674. loans money to, just...
  2675.  
  2676. 600
  2677. 00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:44,624
  2678. Right? And we all know a warbler
  2679. goes like...
  2680.  
  2681. 601
  2682. 00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:47,419
  2683. "I'm a warbler." I don't know. And then...
  2684.  
  2685. 602
  2686. 00:34:49,379 --> 00:34:50,880
  2687. and the bald eagle is, like,
  2688.  
  2689. 603
  2690. 00:34:50,964 --> 00:34:53,133
  2691. "Fucking freedom!" Okay, so...
  2692.  
  2693. 604
  2694. 00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:54,926
  2695. we know.
  2696.  
  2697. 605
  2698. 00:34:57,220 --> 00:35:00,724
  2699. To me, the peacock sounds
  2700. like a tired hooker.
  2701.  
  2702. 606
  2703. 00:35:02,017 --> 00:35:05,937
  2704. Like he's just standing on the corner,
  2705. like, "You want a fuck or what?
  2706.  
  2707. 607
  2708. 00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:17,365
  2709. I already paid for the room."
  2710.  
  2711. 608
  2712. 00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:22,579
  2713. Another side note,
  2714. I realize the peacock is the male.
  2715.  
  2716. 609
  2717. 00:35:22,662 --> 00:35:24,414
  2718. They're the ones with the plumage.
  2719.  
  2720. 610
  2721. 00:35:24,497 --> 00:35:27,500
  2722. The female peacock is a peahen.
  2723. Their colors are muted.
  2724.  
  2725. 611
  2726. 00:35:27,584 --> 00:35:30,837
  2727. So really it's a feminist joke
  2728. 'cause it's about a male prostitute.
  2729.  
  2730. 612
  2731. 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:32,422
  2732. Mmm, okay, so...
  2733.  
  2734. 613
  2735. 00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:41,723
  2736. So you peacock and he sees you, and he
  2737. walks up. "I couldn't help but notice..."
  2738.  
  2739. 614
  2740. 00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:44,809
  2741. And you start talking,
  2742. maybe you have some drinks,
  2743.  
  2744. 615
  2745. 00:35:44,893 --> 00:35:48,396
  2746. maybe you dance, maybe you exchange
  2747. numbers, maybe you start to date.
  2748.  
  2749. 616
  2750. 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:53,026
  2751. Now, I happen to think the very beginning
  2752. of a new relationship
  2753.  
  2754. 617
  2755. 00:35:53,109 --> 00:35:55,695
  2756. is the most exciting part
  2757. of the relationship.
  2758.  
  2759. 618
  2760. 00:35:55,779 --> 00:35:57,447
  2761. Granted, I'm not married yet,
  2762.  
  2763. 619
  2764. 00:35:57,530 --> 00:36:00,533
  2765. so, technically, I've only had beginnings
  2766. of relationships.
  2767.  
  2768. 620
  2769. 00:36:01,618 --> 00:36:05,705
  2770. I don't know. I can't say empirically
  2771. how fun being married is.
  2772.  
  2773. 621
  2774. 00:36:05,789 --> 00:36:09,084
  2775. I'll tell you on the next comedy special
  2776. what that's all about.
  2777.  
  2778. 622
  2779. 00:36:10,043 --> 00:36:11,127
  2780. But I don't know.
  2781.  
  2782. 623
  2783. 00:36:13,630 --> 00:36:17,300
  2784. The beginning of a relationship
  2785. is exciting because it's brand new.
  2786.  
  2787. 624
  2788. 00:36:17,384 --> 00:36:19,094
  2789. You're both on your best behavior,
  2790.  
  2791. 625
  2792. 00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:20,553
  2793. it's still electric,
  2794.  
  2795. 626
  2796. 00:36:20,637 --> 00:36:24,933
  2797. you're not totally sure about the history
  2798. of mental illness in each family.
  2799.  
  2800. 627
  2801. 00:36:25,016 --> 00:36:25,850
  2802. It's fun.
  2803.  
  2804. 628
  2805. 00:36:25,934 --> 00:36:28,937
  2806. And the most nerve-wracking part
  2807. of a new relationship
  2808.  
  2809. 629
  2810. 00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:30,105
  2811. when you're younger,
  2812.  
  2813. 630
  2814. 00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:33,400
  2815. is the first time a boy comes over
  2816. to your apartment.
  2817.  
  2818. 631
  2819. 00:36:33,775 --> 00:36:37,278
  2820. 'Cause it's ostensibly like
  2821. your girlfriend audition time.
  2822.  
  2823. 632
  2824. 00:36:37,362 --> 00:36:41,741
  2825. You want him to come in and be, like,
  2826. "It's so homey. I'd like to stay forever."
  2827.  
  2828. 633
  2829. 00:36:41,825 --> 00:36:43,993
  2830. Yes, come closer.
  2831. Like, that's what you want.
  2832.  
  2833. 634
  2834. 00:36:44,494 --> 00:36:46,788
  2835. You try so hard in your 20s, right?
  2836.  
  2837. 635
  2838. 00:36:46,871 --> 00:36:50,083
  2839. Because you're young, and it's fun.
  2840. That's your 20s. In your 30s...
  2841.  
  2842. 636
  2843. 00:36:52,252 --> 00:36:54,838
  2844. In your 30s,
  2845. homeboy knocks on the door, you open it,
  2846.  
  2847. 637
  2848. 00:36:54,921 --> 00:36:58,258
  2849. you're in combat boots, nothing else,
  2850. and a garbage can on fire, you're, like,
  2851.  
  2852. 638
  2853. 00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:00,051
  2854. "Welcome to Fuckdome, Scott."
  2855.  
  2856. 639
  2857. 00:37:06,558 --> 00:37:07,851
  2858. Ticket? Okay, so...
  2859.  
  2860. 640
  2861. 00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:14,190
  2862. But it's interesting, in your 20s,
  2863. it's a weird mental game.
  2864.  
  2865. 641
  2866. 00:37:14,274 --> 00:37:17,652
  2867. Boy's coming over for the first time,
  2868. you're trying to reconcile
  2869.  
  2870. 642
  2871. 00:37:17,944 --> 00:37:21,906
  2872. the beautiful home that your mother kept
  2873. that you lived in growing up,
  2874.  
  2875. 643
  2876. 00:37:21,990 --> 00:37:26,828
  2877. with the beautiful home that, like,
  2878. Pinterest says you're supposed to have.
  2879.  
  2880. 644
  2881. 00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:30,206
  2882. And the fact that you have
  2883. no fucking money, so...
  2884.  
  2885. 645
  2886. 00:37:30,874 --> 00:37:33,668
  2887. Should I buy a rug or eat dinner?
  2888. I don't know.
  2889.  
  2890. 646
  2891. 00:37:33,752 --> 00:37:34,711
  2892. It's so hard.
  2893.  
  2894. 647
  2895. 00:37:35,170 --> 00:37:37,672
  2896. Boy's coming over, you are cleaning
  2897.  
  2898. 648
  2899. 00:37:37,756 --> 00:37:40,717
  2900. like you've never cleaned before,
  2901. and it's hard
  2902.  
  2903. 649
  2904. 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:44,179
  2905. because women secretly are... filthy.
  2906.  
  2907. 650
  2908. 00:37:45,388 --> 00:37:47,974
  2909. No one wants to laugh about it. "Not me!"
  2910.  
  2911. 651
  2912. 00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:51,519
  2913. And no guy wants to imagine, like,
  2914. "No way, my girlfriend's so hot."
  2915.  
  2916. 652
  2917. 00:37:51,603 --> 00:37:55,732
  2918. Yeah? You think you have a hot girlfriend?
  2919. Check the center console of her car.
  2920.  
  2921. 653
  2922. 00:38:01,154 --> 00:38:02,864
  2923. She's owned that car for a decade.
  2924.  
  2925. 654
  2926. 00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:05,283
  2927. Every year, the shit just piles up.
  2928.  
  2929. 655
  2930. 00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:08,995
  2931. You open it, like, "I didn't know an Acura
  2932. came with a time capsule!" You shut it.
  2933.  
  2934. 656
  2935. 00:38:10,497 --> 00:38:11,539
  2936. You open it again.
  2937.  
  2938. 657
  2939. 00:38:11,623 --> 00:38:14,125
  2940. You just hear, "Help!"
  2941. There's something in there.
  2942.  
  2943. 658
  2944. 00:38:14,709 --> 00:38:17,545
  2945. It's our little filthy secret stockpile,
  2946. right?
  2947.  
  2948. 659
  2949. 00:38:17,629 --> 00:38:21,549
  2950. It's a <i>Now That's What I Call Music </i>CD.
  2951. "In case they come back!" Yeah.
  2952.  
  2953. 660
  2954. 00:38:21,633 --> 00:38:26,095
  2955. It's one of those cables that plugs
  2956. from the tape player into the CD player.
  2957.  
  2958. 661
  2959. 00:38:26,179 --> 00:38:29,182
  2960. It's spilled nail polish,
  2961. it's a little bit of weed dust.
  2962.  
  2963. 662
  2964. 00:38:29,265 --> 00:38:33,770
  2965. It's a... Calgon body spray, 'cause you'd
  2966. rather smell like a stripper than weed.
  2967.  
  2968. 663
  2969. 00:38:34,854 --> 00:38:38,233
  2970. It's that...
  2971. It's a Lip Smacker, Dr Pepper flavor,
  2972.  
  2973. 664
  2974. 00:38:38,316 --> 00:38:41,402
  2975. that's just... lying there with a gash
  2976. in the wax neck,
  2977.  
  2978. 665
  2979. 00:38:41,486 --> 00:38:44,364
  2980. like, "Tell my children I died well."
  2981. Like it's...
  2982.  
  2983. 666
  2984. 00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:47,575
  2985. it's an iPhone 4 charger.
  2986.  
  2987. 667
  2988. 00:38:49,619 --> 00:38:51,162
  2989. It's some McDonald's napkins.
  2990.  
  2991. 668
  2992. 00:38:52,205 --> 00:38:53,540
  2993. It's a French fry.
  2994.  
  2995. 669
  2996. 00:38:55,750 --> 00:38:58,878
  2997. Times that center console by a million...
  2998.  
  2999. 670
  3000. 00:38:58,962 --> 00:39:00,463
  3001. in her apartment.
  3002.  
  3003. 671
  3004. 00:39:00,547 --> 00:39:04,217
  3005. You are just cleaning
  3006. with Swiffer and Brawny.
  3007.  
  3008. 672
  3009. 00:39:04,300 --> 00:39:06,719
  3010. It's like a winter wonderland
  3011. of paper towels.
  3012.  
  3013. 673
  3014. 00:39:06,803 --> 00:39:09,222
  3015. You're just shoving shit under the rugs.
  3016.  
  3017. 674
  3018. 00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:11,474
  3019. You didn't build a shelf,
  3020. I dunno how that fucking works.
  3021.  
  3022. 675
  3023. 00:39:11,558 --> 00:39:14,102
  3024. You're just moving everything,
  3025. you take everything...
  3026.  
  3027. 676
  3028. 00:39:14,185 --> 00:39:17,689
  3029. You put your coats in the oven.
  3030. Burn 'em! I live in L.A. Take everything.
  3031.  
  3032. 677
  3033. 00:39:18,189 --> 00:39:22,485
  3034. Put your cat in a hamper for now, Marbles.
  3035. We don't know how he feels about cats.
  3036.  
  3037. 678
  3038. 00:39:23,069 --> 00:39:27,365
  3039. Taking everything, you're cleaning. You're
  3040. discovering new rooms in your apartment.
  3041.  
  3042. 679
  3043. 00:39:27,448 --> 00:39:30,159
  3044. How come the water heater
  3045. gets its own closet? Fuck it!
  3046.  
  3047. 680
  3048. 00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:35,164
  3049. You beg your gross-out roommate,
  3050. "Please, just stay in your room.
  3051.  
  3052. 681
  3053. 00:39:35,248 --> 00:39:36,666
  3054. You're so fucking disgusting."
  3055.  
  3056. 682
  3057. 00:39:36,749 --> 00:39:40,211
  3058. She's there, on a throne
  3059. of Wendy's wrappers, like, "Okay!
  3060.  
  3061. 683
  3062. 00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:45,341
  3063. You text me dick pics."
  3064. Hello. Shut the door.
  3065.  
  3066. 684
  3067. 00:39:45,884 --> 00:39:50,096
  3068. Cleaning. Lighting Glade candles
  3069. like it's a fucking Catholic mass.
  3070.  
  3071. 685
  3072. 00:39:50,179 --> 00:39:53,224
  3073. Smells like ham in here!
  3074. You're just trying to make it nice.
  3075.  
  3076. 686
  3077. 00:39:53,308 --> 00:39:56,394
  3078. He opens the door. You're, like, "Hi!"
  3079. He walks in. He's, like,
  3080.  
  3081. 687
  3082. 00:39:56,769 --> 00:39:58,730
  3083. "Oh, place is cool."
  3084. You're, like, "Fuck you."
  3085.  
  3086. 688
  3087. 00:40:12,619 --> 00:40:14,203
  3088. And there's an art, by the way,
  3089.  
  3090. 689
  3091. 00:40:14,287 --> 00:40:18,374
  3092. to the outfit you wear the first time
  3093. a boy comes over to your place at night.
  3094.  
  3095. 690
  3096. 00:40:19,250 --> 00:40:22,754
  3097. You don't want to wear...
  3098. what you wore during the day.
  3099.  
  3100. 691
  3101. 00:40:22,837 --> 00:40:26,716
  3102. Don't want work clothes. You don't want
  3103. to wear your daytime clothes, 'cause...
  3104.  
  3105. 692
  3106. 00:40:27,467 --> 00:40:28,635
  3107. 'cause it's nighttime.
  3108.  
  3109. 693
  3110. 00:40:29,469 --> 00:40:31,304
  3111. What if that was the end of my show?
  3112.  
  3113. 694
  3114. 00:40:32,639 --> 00:40:33,723
  3115. I hit my head.
  3116.  
  3117. 695
  3118. 00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:38,102
  3119. You don't want to wear
  3120. your civilian clothes, okay.
  3121.  
  3122. 696
  3123. 00:40:38,186 --> 00:40:40,939
  3124. 'Cause you had a whole day. Maybe you
  3125. sweat in them, they're gross.
  3126.  
  3127. 697
  3128. 00:40:41,022 --> 00:40:43,900
  3129. However, at the other end
  3130. of the sartorial spectrum,
  3131.  
  3132. 698
  3133. 00:40:43,983 --> 00:40:49,614
  3134. you don't want to go, like, super hardcore
  3135. sexy the first time a guy's coming over.
  3136.  
  3137. 699
  3138. 00:40:49,697 --> 00:40:52,575
  3139. Just relax. You don't want to wear
  3140. nipple tassels. Now...
  3141.  
  3142. 700
  3143. 00:40:54,077 --> 00:40:55,912
  3144. some women are, like, "Wait a minute."
  3145.  
  3146. 701
  3147. 00:40:57,497 --> 00:41:00,708
  3148. I am the woman that has stood here before
  3149.  
  3150. 702
  3151. 00:41:00,792 --> 00:41:03,044
  3152. and will stand here before you again
  3153. and let you know
  3154.  
  3155. 703
  3156. 00:41:03,127 --> 00:41:04,796
  3157. you can wear whatever you want.
  3158.  
  3159. 704
  3160. 00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:08,716
  3161. It doesn't give a man the right to put
  3162. his hands on you. No always means no.
  3163.  
  3164. 705
  3165. 00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:10,969
  3166. That's like a boiler-plated given.
  3167.  
  3168. 706
  3169. 00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:18,226
  3170. No means no. Kindergarteners get it.
  3171.  
  3172. 707
  3173. 00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:21,479
  3174. I don't know why we forget that
  3175. as adult males, but...
  3176.  
  3177. 708
  3178. 00:41:22,021 --> 00:41:24,732
  3179. no means no. This is less about that,
  3180.  
  3181. 709
  3182. 00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:28,569
  3183. and more about just being mentally kind
  3184. to the other person.
  3185.  
  3186. 710
  3187. 00:41:28,653 --> 00:41:31,030
  3188. You show up in that,
  3189. he'll be, like, "Oh, my god!"
  3190.  
  3191. 711
  3192. 00:41:31,114 --> 00:41:34,033
  3193. The blood's gonna go from here
  3194. to his dick, he's gonna impale himself,
  3195.  
  3196. 712
  3197. 00:41:34,117 --> 00:41:36,577
  3198. he's gonna sue you,
  3199. and you ain't got no money. So...
  3200.  
  3201. 713
  3202. 00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,790
  3203. just be kind,
  3204. because, mentally, it's like,
  3205.  
  3206. 714
  3207. 00:41:40,873 --> 00:41:44,127
  3208. "Maybe she wants me. I don't know.
  3209. Oh, my god." It's frustrating.
  3210.  
  3211. 715
  3212. 00:41:44,210 --> 00:41:47,130
  3213. You know, girls, it'd be like
  3214. if you have the worst day,
  3215.  
  3216. 716
  3217. 00:41:47,213 --> 00:41:49,257
  3218. you came home to your boyfriend, like...
  3219.  
  3220. 717
  3221. 00:41:50,133 --> 00:41:51,217
  3222. "I had the worst day.
  3223.  
  3224. 718
  3225. 00:41:51,300 --> 00:41:52,385
  3226. I got fired, and...
  3227.  
  3228. 719
  3229. 00:41:52,885 --> 00:41:54,887
  3230. I cried in front of everyone
  3231.  
  3232. 720
  3233. 00:41:54,971 --> 00:41:56,973
  3234. and... I ate that French fry from my car.
  3235.  
  3236. 721
  3237. 00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:01,144
  3238. It was just such a hard day."
  3239.  
  3240. 722
  3241. 00:42:01,227 --> 00:42:05,023
  3242. Your boyfriend's like, "Aw, babe. You want
  3243. to talk about it?" You're, like, "Yeah."
  3244.  
  3245. 723
  3246. 00:42:05,106 --> 00:42:08,026
  3247. He's, like, "Just kidding. Psych."
  3248. That's what it would be like.
  3249.  
  3250. 724
  3251. 00:42:09,944 --> 00:42:13,406
  3252. So the question is, if I can't wear work
  3253. clothes, I can't wear nipple tassels,
  3254.  
  3255. 725
  3256. 00:42:13,489 --> 00:42:14,907
  3257. what's a girl to do?
  3258.  
  3259. 726
  3260. 00:42:15,783 --> 00:42:19,287
  3261. There's an entire, sort of intermediary,
  3262.  
  3263. 727
  3264. 00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:23,041
  3265. post-dinner, pre-bedtime apparel world.
  3266.  
  3267. 728
  3268. 00:42:23,124 --> 00:42:25,126
  3269. There's a whole category of clothing
  3270.  
  3271. 729
  3272. 00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:28,337
  3273. that you, as women, have mastered
  3274. without even realizing it.
  3275.  
  3276. 730
  3277. 00:42:28,421 --> 00:42:30,089
  3278. The category is called
  3279.  
  3280. 731
  3281. 00:42:30,173 --> 00:42:31,340
  3282. athleisure wear.
  3283.  
  3284. 732
  3285. 00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:37,764
  3286. This is an entire clothing category.
  3287.  
  3288. 733
  3289. 00:42:37,847 --> 00:42:41,267
  3290. It's a multi-billion-dollar
  3291. clothing category
  3292.  
  3293. 734
  3294. 00:42:41,350 --> 00:42:43,436
  3295. predicated on the idea that, as a woman,
  3296.  
  3297. 735
  3298. 00:42:43,519 --> 00:42:45,605
  3299. sometimes you don't have time to change
  3300.  
  3301. 736
  3302. 00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:48,941
  3303. when you're going from the boardroom
  3304. to Pilates. There's no fucking way.
  3305.  
  3306. 737
  3307. 00:42:49,025 --> 00:42:50,151
  3308. You gotta be ready.
  3309.  
  3310. 738
  3311. 00:42:50,485 --> 00:42:53,279
  3312. Sometimes you're going right from spin
  3313. to open-heart surgery,
  3314.  
  3315. 739
  3316. 00:42:53,362 --> 00:42:55,281
  3317. and you've got to look good.
  3318. That's...
  3319.  
  3320. 740
  3321. 00:42:55,364 --> 00:42:57,950
  3322. Spin to open-heart surgery?
  3323. How about my bed to my couch?
  3324.  
  3325. 741
  3326. 00:42:58,034 --> 00:42:59,577
  3327. What are you fucking talking about?
  3328.  
  3329. 742
  3330. 00:43:00,661 --> 00:43:05,083
  3331. So what is athleisure wear? It's athletic
  3332. apparel you wouldn't really work out in.
  3333.  
  3334. 743
  3335. 00:43:05,166 --> 00:43:08,377
  3336. Right? So it's... yoga pants
  3337. with, like, a racing stripe.
  3338.  
  3339. 744
  3340. 00:43:08,461 --> 00:43:10,088
  3341. You just... race to your snacks.
  3342.  
  3343. 745
  3344. 00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:15,802
  3345. Sometimes it's like
  3346. a complicated tank top.
  3347.  
  3348. 746
  3349. 00:43:17,178 --> 00:43:19,180
  3350. It's, like, not quite supportive.
  3351.  
  3352. 747
  3353. 00:43:19,263 --> 00:43:20,932
  3354. They're, like, "It's backless."
  3355.  
  3356. 748
  3357. 00:43:21,015 --> 00:43:23,142
  3358. What do you do?
  3359. "You don't wear a bra."
  3360.  
  3361. 749
  3362. 00:43:23,226 --> 00:43:25,061
  3363. I'm sorry, what the fuck did you just say?
  3364.  
  3365. 750
  3366. 00:43:27,522 --> 00:43:28,523
  3367. I don't wear a bra?
  3368.  
  3369. 751
  3370. 00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:32,401
  3371. So if the athletic part comes into play,
  3372. and I have to run, it's gonna be...
  3373.  
  3374. 752
  3375. 00:43:32,485 --> 00:43:33,945
  3376. No!
  3377.  
  3378. 753
  3379. 00:43:36,489 --> 00:43:39,492
  3380. My whole life...
  3381. they've been pitching to me,
  3382.  
  3383. 754
  3384. 00:43:39,575 --> 00:43:41,953
  3385. "It's a tank top,
  3386. there's a shelf built in."
  3387.  
  3388. 755
  3389. 00:43:42,870 --> 00:43:44,747
  3390. It's a... Go fuck your <i>shelf, </i>okay?
  3391.  
  3392. 756
  3393. 00:43:44,831 --> 00:43:45,665
  3394. I want a bra.
  3395.  
  3396. 757
  3397. 00:43:46,749 --> 00:43:47,708
  3398. I want a bra!
  3399.  
  3400. 758
  3401. 00:43:53,339 --> 00:43:56,467
  3402. We do that. Sometimes we'll do, like,
  3403. a push-up bra under the tank.
  3404.  
  3405. 759
  3406. 00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:59,679
  3407. Show the strap off.
  3408. It's got to be a cute strap. Not beige.
  3409.  
  3410. 760
  3411. 00:43:59,762 --> 00:44:01,264
  3412. No one goes, "Ooh, beige."
  3413.  
  3414. 761
  3415. 00:44:03,349 --> 00:44:05,810
  3416. Like magenta.
  3417. 'Cause that's not as sexy as red.
  3418.  
  3419. 762
  3420. 00:44:05,893 --> 00:44:08,896
  3421. Magenta's like, "Maybe we'll fuck."
  3422. Red's like, "We're gonna fuck!"
  3423.  
  3424. 763
  3425. 00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:12,608
  3426. Push-up bra.
  3427. That's what we do for you, gentlemen.
  3428.  
  3429. 764
  3430. 00:44:12,692 --> 00:44:14,652
  3431. You have no idea... of the sacrifices.
  3432.  
  3433. 765
  3434. 00:44:16,154 --> 00:44:20,366
  3435. Not a woman here wears a push-up bra
  3436. when she's at home with the flu.
  3437.  
  3438. 766
  3439. 00:44:22,118 --> 00:44:25,872
  3440. No one walking around, like, "I just like
  3441. it when my nipples are near my tongue."
  3442.  
  3443. 767
  3444. 00:44:27,832 --> 00:44:29,333
  3445. It's just safer that way.
  3446.  
  3447. 768
  3448. 00:44:31,377 --> 00:44:32,879
  3449. He gets to be comfortable.
  3450.  
  3451. 769
  3452. 00:44:33,212 --> 00:44:36,382
  3453. You're all bundled up, sitting there
  3454. in a push-up bra on your couch,
  3455.  
  3456. 770
  3457. 00:44:36,465 --> 00:44:39,010
  3458. drinking with this dude
  3459. you're having a date with.
  3460.  
  3461. 771
  3462. 00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:40,928
  3463. He's got his shoes off, shirt off.
  3464.  
  3465. 772
  3466. 00:44:41,012 --> 00:44:44,182
  3467. You're suffocating under your own tits,
  3468. watching <i>House Hunters.</i>
  3469.  
  3470. 773
  3471. 00:44:45,266 --> 00:44:46,267
  3472. Crown molding.
  3473.  
  3474. 774
  3475. 00:44:51,898 --> 00:44:55,484
  3476. You're all dressed up, have a nice night.
  3477. Maybe sleep together, maybe you don't.
  3478.  
  3479. 775
  3480. 00:44:55,568 --> 00:44:59,655
  3481. That's not what I'm interested in. What I
  3482. want to talk about is the next morning,
  3483.  
  3484. 776
  3485. 00:44:59,739 --> 00:45:01,449
  3486. when he goes to leave.
  3487.  
  3488. 777
  3489. 00:45:01,824 --> 00:45:04,410
  3490. What I've always found so endearing
  3491. about men...
  3492.  
  3493. 778
  3494. 00:45:04,493 --> 00:45:06,454
  3495. I find many things endearing about you.
  3496.  
  3497. 779
  3498. 00:45:06,996 --> 00:45:07,872
  3499. But...
  3500.  
  3501. 780
  3502. 00:45:09,415 --> 00:45:12,084
  3503. you think... we stay...
  3504.  
  3505. 781
  3506. 00:45:12,168 --> 00:45:13,836
  3507. that put-together...
  3508.  
  3509. 782
  3510. 00:45:14,712 --> 00:45:15,880
  3511. once you're gone.
  3512.  
  3513. 783
  3514. 00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:19,175
  3515. You have no idea.
  3516.  
  3517. 784
  3518. 00:45:20,301 --> 00:45:22,553
  3519. They have no idea... what lies beneath.
  3520.  
  3521. 785
  3522. 00:45:22,637 --> 00:45:27,516
  3523. You have no idea... that under the hair,
  3524. and the make-up, and the lashes,
  3525.  
  3526. 786
  3527. 00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:29,602
  3528. and the shelf, and the bras...
  3529.  
  3530. 787
  3531. 00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:31,312
  3532. for every woman,
  3533.  
  3534. 788
  3535. 00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:32,939
  3536. lies the beating heart
  3537.  
  3538. 789
  3539. 00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:34,357
  3540. of a hungry...
  3541.  
  3542. 790
  3543. 00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:35,691
  3544. exhausted...
  3545.  
  3546. 791
  3547. 00:45:35,775 --> 00:45:36,984
  3548. annoyed...
  3549.  
  3550. 792
  3551. 00:45:37,068 --> 00:45:39,195
  3552. she-dragon!
  3553.  
  3554. 793
  3555. 00:45:46,494 --> 00:45:49,956
  3556. And she is waiting to come out.
  3557. She comes out every couple hours.
  3558.  
  3559. 794
  3560. 00:45:50,039 --> 00:45:54,168
  3561. Like opinions, sweat, urine. Hopefully you
  3562. pee more than every couple hours, still.
  3563.  
  3564. 795
  3565. 00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:56,963
  3566. She's got to. You gotta let her out,
  3567. and she's waiting.
  3568.  
  3569. 796
  3570. 00:45:57,046 --> 00:45:59,966
  3571. And homeboy is taking forever to leave,
  3572. he's, like,
  3573.  
  3574. 797
  3575. 00:46:00,049 --> 00:46:02,385
  3576. "All right, I guess
  3577. I'll give you a call later."
  3578.  
  3579. 798
  3580. 00:46:02,468 --> 00:46:03,886
  3581. Your dragon's, like, "Get out!
  3582.  
  3583. 799
  3584. 00:46:05,263 --> 00:46:07,265
  3585. Get out. I got to take a shit. Get out!
  3586.  
  3587. 800
  3588. 00:46:12,770 --> 00:46:16,357
  3589. Get rid of him. I gotta go in that
  3590. bathroom I share with another grown woman
  3591.  
  3592. 801
  3593. 00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:19,068
  3594. and take a Jurassic thunderdump,
  3595. mostly in the bowl,
  3596.  
  3597. 802
  3598. 00:46:19,151 --> 00:46:21,445
  3599. then send him a picture
  3600. like I'm doing something hot."
  3601.  
  3602. 803
  3603. 00:46:21,529 --> 00:46:22,446
  3604. Hey. "Get out!"
  3605.  
  3606. 804
  3607. 00:46:25,741 --> 00:46:28,035
  3608. I feel like the boys here
  3609. don't believe me.
  3610.  
  3611. 805
  3612. 00:46:29,704 --> 00:46:32,581
  3613. That breaks my heart. I want you
  3614. to trust me, okay?
  3615.  
  3616. 806
  3617. 00:46:32,665 --> 00:46:35,835
  3618. You don't believe me that there's a dragon
  3619. inside every woman.
  3620.  
  3621. 807
  3622. 00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:37,837
  3623. I will prove it to you. Are you ready?
  3624.  
  3625. 808
  3626. 00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:39,880
  3627. There's no zipper, okay.
  3628.  
  3629. 809
  3630. 00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:44,468
  3631. I'll let you prove it to yourselves.
  3632. Tomorrow, when you leave your girl,
  3633.  
  3634. 810
  3635. 00:46:44,552 --> 00:46:46,887
  3636. okay, and you're saying goodbye
  3637. at the door...
  3638.  
  3639. 811
  3640. 00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:48,973
  3641. here's what you want to do.
  3642.  
  3643. 812
  3644. 00:46:49,890 --> 00:46:51,309
  3645. Look deep in her eyes.
  3646.  
  3647. 813
  3648. 00:46:52,018 --> 00:46:55,855
  3649. This is great, because, she'll be, like,
  3650. "Oh, my god, he's mesmerized by me.
  3651.  
  3652. 814
  3653. 00:46:55,938 --> 00:46:57,815
  3654. This is amazing. I'm doing amazing."
  3655.  
  3656. 815
  3657. 00:46:57,898 --> 00:46:59,066
  3658. Great, let her think that.
  3659.  
  3660. 816
  3661. 00:46:59,150 --> 00:47:02,778
  3662. It buys you time, gentlemen. Because
  3663. what you're looking for in her eyes
  3664.  
  3665. 817
  3666. 00:47:02,862 --> 00:47:05,364
  3667. is like a nictitating membrane, okay.
  3668.  
  3669. 818
  3670. 00:47:07,158 --> 00:47:10,911
  3671. For those who don't know, it's the lid
  3672. under the lid that keeps the sand out.
  3673.  
  3674. 819
  3675. 00:47:12,371 --> 00:47:14,790
  3676. You need more <i>Planet Earth</i> from Netflix
  3677. in your lives, okay.
  3678.  
  3679. 820
  3680. 00:47:14,874 --> 00:47:16,208
  3681. That's what you're looking for.
  3682.  
  3683. 821
  3684. 00:47:16,292 --> 00:47:19,503
  3685. If you want to see...
  3686. the dragon come out on its own,
  3687.  
  3688. 822
  3689. 00:47:19,587 --> 00:47:22,506
  3690. just prolong your goodbye,
  3691. 'cause that dragon's coming out.
  3692.  
  3693. 823
  3694. 00:47:22,590 --> 00:47:25,134
  3695. Nothing you can do about it.
  3696. Just take a little longer.
  3697.  
  3698. 824
  3699. 00:47:25,217 --> 00:47:28,387
  3700. All right, well, I have your number,
  3701. right? Lemme make sure.
  3702.  
  3703. 825
  3704. 00:47:28,471 --> 00:47:30,473
  3705. Okay, great, you have my number. Bye!
  3706.  
  3707. 826
  3708. 00:47:38,981 --> 00:47:41,567
  3709. You're just flying round
  3710. your own studio apartment.
  3711.  
  3712. 827
  3713. 00:47:42,735 --> 00:47:45,237
  3714. You can't go outside.
  3715. You will get shot down.
  3716.  
  3717. 828
  3718. 00:47:45,946 --> 00:47:48,240
  3719. Like, this isn't fucking King's Landing.
  3720. Like, you can't...
  3721.  
  3722. 829
  3723. 00:47:50,159 --> 00:47:51,994
  3724. you're just doing it for the cardio.
  3725.  
  3726. 830
  3727. 00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:55,664
  3728. Tiny pulses, ladies.
  3729. We're toning, we're firming.
  3730.  
  3731. 831
  3732. 00:47:57,500 --> 00:47:59,335
  3733. You fly into your kitchen.
  3734.  
  3735. 832
  3736. 00:47:59,627 --> 00:48:00,920
  3737. You land on your counter.
  3738.  
  3739. 833
  3740. 00:48:03,005 --> 00:48:05,466
  3741. You're hungry, right?
  3742. So you take out a talon.
  3743.  
  3744. 834
  3745. 00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:10,388
  3746. You skewer an entire sleeve of Oreos.
  3747.  
  3748. 835
  3749. 00:48:17,103 --> 00:48:18,104
  3750. You toast it.
  3751.  
  3752. 836
  3753. 00:48:26,570 --> 00:48:28,906
  3754. Your dragon body and your farts
  3755.  
  3756. 837
  3757. 00:48:28,989 --> 00:48:32,410
  3758. aren't the only thing
  3759. you've been holding in all night.
  3760.  
  3761. 838
  3762. 00:48:32,493 --> 00:48:35,287
  3763. You've also been holding in...
  3764. your intentions.
  3765.  
  3766. 839
  3767. 00:48:35,955 --> 00:48:39,041
  3768. We have this really nasty habit
  3769. in our society
  3770.  
  3771. 840
  3772. 00:48:39,125 --> 00:48:43,045
  3773. of labeling women very cruel
  3774. and unfair things
  3775.  
  3776. 841
  3777. 00:48:43,129 --> 00:48:46,465
  3778. when they express their desire
  3779. for very normal things.
  3780.  
  3781. 842
  3782. 00:48:46,549 --> 00:48:49,593
  3783. Monogamy, exclusivity, a relationship,
  3784.  
  3785. 843
  3786. 00:48:49,677 --> 00:48:51,679
  3787. a family, babies. Right?
  3788.  
  3789. 844
  3790. 00:48:51,762 --> 00:48:55,266
  3791. We like to call them desperate,
  3792. sad, psychos, baby crazy.
  3793.  
  3794. 845
  3795. 00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:56,809
  3796. "We've been married for six years.
  3797.  
  3798. 846
  3799. 00:48:56,892 --> 00:49:00,020
  3800. She already wants a kid! I'm a fuck man!
  3801. They can't get me."
  3802.  
  3803. 847
  3804. 00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:04,275
  3805. It's very normal to want these things.
  3806.  
  3807. 848
  3808. 00:49:04,358 --> 00:49:06,527
  3809. And we like to chastise women for this.
  3810.  
  3811. 849
  3812. 00:49:06,610 --> 00:49:09,738
  3813. And so, as women,
  3814. sometimes we don't speak our truth.
  3815.  
  3816. 850
  3817. 00:49:09,822 --> 00:49:13,409
  3818. You go on a first date, and a guy says,
  3819. "Do you want to have kids?"
  3820.  
  3821. 851
  3822. 00:49:13,492 --> 00:49:14,743
  3823. And you say no.
  3824.  
  3825. 852
  3826. 00:49:14,827 --> 00:49:16,162
  3827. Or I don't know.
  3828.  
  3829. 853
  3830. 00:49:16,245 --> 00:49:18,831
  3831. When you do know.
  3832. Because you don't want to what?
  3833.  
  3834. 854
  3835. 00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:21,000
  3836. Scare them off.
  3837.  
  3838. 855
  3839. 00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:23,627
  3840. By the way...
  3841.  
  3842. 856
  3843. 00:49:24,670 --> 00:49:27,923
  3844. if you're the kind of woman that doesn't
  3845. want kids, you're still a woman.
  3846.  
  3847. 857
  3848. 00:49:28,007 --> 00:49:30,426
  3849. This joke's not about you.
  3850. Wait your turn, okay.
  3851.  
  3852. 858
  3853. 00:49:34,472 --> 00:49:35,764
  3854. Another "by the way."
  3855.  
  3856. 859
  3857. 00:49:36,515 --> 00:49:37,349
  3858. Gentlemen...
  3859.  
  3860. 860
  3861. 00:49:37,766 --> 00:49:41,187
  3862. you ask a girl if she wants to have kids,
  3863. and she says yes...
  3864.  
  3865. 861
  3866. 00:49:41,854 --> 00:49:43,856
  3867. it doesn't necessarily mean with you.
  3868.  
  3869. 862
  3870. 00:49:52,615 --> 00:49:53,782
  3871. And it's interesting...
  3872.  
  3873. 863
  3874. 00:49:53,866 --> 00:49:57,578
  3875. because your views about relationships
  3876. or marriage or children
  3877.  
  3878. 864
  3879. 00:49:57,661 --> 00:49:59,121
  3880. do change the older you get.
  3881.  
  3882. 865
  3883. 00:49:59,205 --> 00:50:01,373
  3884. Some girls are in the crowd, in your 20s,
  3885.  
  3886. 866
  3887. 00:50:01,457 --> 00:50:04,251
  3888. you're, like, "Whatever, elder millennial.
  3889. I don't care.
  3890.  
  3891. 867
  3892. 00:50:04,752 --> 00:50:08,047
  3893. I'm 20. I'm going to be a gypsy
  3894. and make jewelry out of cat noses.
  3895.  
  3896. 868
  3897. 00:50:08,130 --> 00:50:09,256
  3898. Yeah. I don't care."
  3899.  
  3900. 869
  3901. 00:50:10,758 --> 00:50:13,761
  3902. I get it. That's totally fair.
  3903. I was like that at one point.
  3904.  
  3905. 870
  3906. 00:50:13,844 --> 00:50:17,848
  3907. Society tells you over and over,
  3908. they say, "How old are you?" "I'm 23."
  3909.  
  3910. 871
  3911. 00:50:17,932 --> 00:50:19,808
  3912. "Oh, my god, you have so much time."
  3913.  
  3914. 872
  3915. 00:50:19,892 --> 00:50:20,726
  3916. And you do.
  3917.  
  3918. 873
  3919. 00:50:20,809 --> 00:50:21,977
  3920. But not much.
  3921.  
  3922. 874
  3923. 00:50:22,436 --> 00:50:23,395
  3924. So...
  3925.  
  3926. 875
  3927. 00:50:25,356 --> 00:50:28,400
  3928. It's not about deciding now,
  3929. it's about not writing it off totally.
  3930.  
  3931. 876
  3932. 00:50:28,484 --> 00:50:30,653
  3933. Because I never thought about it,
  3934. God's honest truth.
  3935.  
  3936. 877
  3937. 00:50:30,736 --> 00:50:34,448
  3938. I wasn't anti or for. I figured
  3939. you get a boyfriend, life goes on.
  3940.  
  3941. 878
  3942. 00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:39,078
  3943. When I was in my 20s, I loved... still do...
  3944. stand-up, traveling, working.
  3945.  
  3946. 879
  3947. 00:50:39,161 --> 00:50:41,664
  3948. And I figured, when you turn 30,
  3949. the government issues you
  3950.  
  3951. 880
  3952. 00:50:41,747 --> 00:50:44,959
  3953. a house, an okay-looking husband,
  3954. a baby, a plant, you're done!
  3955.  
  3956. 881
  3957. 00:50:46,126 --> 00:50:47,461
  3958. I never thought about it.
  3959.  
  3960. 882
  3961. 00:50:48,128 --> 00:50:51,006
  3962. And it's interesting,
  3963. because my reaction to children,
  3964.  
  3965. 883
  3966. 00:50:51,090 --> 00:50:53,092
  3967. and I don't know how many kids I want.
  3968.  
  3969. 884
  3970. 00:50:53,175 --> 00:50:55,970
  3971. I don't want like a Duggar situation,
  3972. but maybe one.
  3973.  
  3974. 885
  3975. 00:50:56,595 --> 00:50:58,222
  3976. One cool baby. I don't know.
  3977.  
  3978. 886
  3979. 00:50:58,806 --> 00:51:01,725
  3980. I'd be in the airport in my 20s
  3981. and I'd hear a baby cry.
  3982.  
  3983. 887
  3984. 00:51:01,809 --> 00:51:04,228
  3985. All the women would be, like,
  3986. "Oh, my god, it's a child."
  3987.  
  3988. 888
  3989. 00:51:04,311 --> 00:51:08,232
  3990. I'd be, "Oh, my god, don't sit by me.
  3991. Like, that's all. Get it away."
  3992.  
  3993. 889
  3994. 00:51:08,857 --> 00:51:11,068
  3995. It's interesting,
  3996. 'cause I never thought about it.
  3997.  
  3998. 890
  3999. 00:51:11,151 --> 00:51:14,780
  4000. It changes slightly, the chemistry,
  4001. the way you think about it.
  4002.  
  4003. 891
  4004. 00:51:14,989 --> 00:51:16,574
  4005. I was in the airport the other day.
  4006.  
  4007. 892
  4008. 00:51:16,949 --> 00:51:18,200
  4009. There was a baby there.
  4010.  
  4011. 893
  4012. 00:51:18,409 --> 00:51:20,286
  4013. And the baby made a big mistake.
  4014.  
  4015. 894
  4016. 00:51:21,412 --> 00:51:22,705
  4017. 'Cause that baby...
  4018.  
  4019. 895
  4020. 00:51:23,581 --> 00:51:25,457
  4021. let a chubby baby leg...
  4022.  
  4023. 896
  4024. 00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:27,918
  4025. hang from his blankie.
  4026.  
  4027. 897
  4028. 00:51:30,921 --> 00:51:31,922
  4029. I had to squeeze it.
  4030.  
  4031. 898
  4032. 00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:38,846
  4033. I was, like, "What is this feel..."
  4034. I found myself moving toward the mother.
  4035.  
  4036. 899
  4037. 00:51:40,264 --> 00:51:42,975
  4038. And I knew... intrinsically, I knew...
  4039.  
  4040. 900
  4041. 00:51:43,058 --> 00:51:44,977
  4042. she would let me squeeze his leg.
  4043.  
  4044. 901
  4045. 00:51:46,145 --> 00:51:49,064
  4046. Because women don't fear other women.
  4047.  
  4048. 902
  4049. 00:51:49,273 --> 00:51:53,110
  4050. When it comes to children, not like
  4051. the corporate ladder or dating, but...
  4052.  
  4053. 903
  4054. 00:51:53,944 --> 00:51:57,573
  4055. she knows I'm not creepy
  4056. and I mean that baby no harm.
  4057.  
  4058. 904
  4059. 00:51:57,656 --> 00:51:59,950
  4060. That's something we can trade on as women.
  4061.  
  4062. 905
  4063. 00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:01,785
  4064. Women aren't scary.
  4065.  
  4066. 906
  4067. 00:52:01,869 --> 00:52:06,832
  4068. Late at night, if a woman's walking toward
  4069. you, you don't cross to the other side.
  4070.  
  4071. 907
  4072. 00:52:06,915 --> 00:52:09,043
  4073. I mean, you do if she's, like,
  4074. "Purple hippo!"
  4075.  
  4076. 908
  4077. 00:52:12,338 --> 00:52:15,090
  4078. When you're in an elevator
  4079. and a woman gets on,
  4080.  
  4081. 909
  4082. 00:52:15,174 --> 00:52:17,635
  4083. you don't clutch your purse
  4084. and back up a little.
  4085.  
  4086. 910
  4087. 00:52:17,718 --> 00:52:20,346
  4088. Women aren't scary
  4089. and women aren't creepy.
  4090.  
  4091. 911
  4092. 00:52:20,429 --> 00:52:22,389
  4093. That's an important thing to remember.
  4094.  
  4095. 912
  4096. 00:52:22,473 --> 00:52:25,893
  4097. No matter what we get faulted for,
  4098. and we'll get faulted for a lot,
  4099.  
  4100. 913
  4101. 00:52:25,976 --> 00:52:28,812
  4102. things like aging,
  4103. things you can totally control.
  4104.  
  4105. 914
  4106. 00:52:30,189 --> 00:52:33,150
  4107. No matter how much weight you gain,
  4108. how many wrinkles you get,
  4109.  
  4110. 915
  4111. 00:52:33,233 --> 00:52:37,446
  4112. no matter how opinionated you are,
  4113. no matter what you become as a woman,
  4114.  
  4115. 916
  4116. 00:52:37,696 --> 00:52:42,076
  4117. women are welcome around public parks
  4118. and children's birthday parties.
  4119.  
  4120. 917
  4121. 00:52:43,869 --> 00:52:48,165
  4122. Always. I could go to
  4123. an elementary school right now
  4124.  
  4125. 918
  4126. 00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:51,669
  4127. in a hospital gown,
  4128. with a raccoon on a leash...
  4129.  
  4130. 919
  4131. 00:52:53,712 --> 00:52:56,840
  4132. and the children would be, like,
  4133. "You have a weird dog."
  4134.  
  4135. 920
  4136. 00:53:07,017 --> 00:53:10,688
  4137. Because of that inherent fact
  4138. that women are not creepy.
  4139.  
  4140. 921
  4141. 00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:12,815
  4142. Men.
  4143.  
  4144. 922
  4145. 00:53:15,401 --> 00:53:17,695
  4146. All you've got to do
  4147. is part your hair wrong.
  4148.  
  4149. 923
  4150. 00:53:19,947 --> 00:53:23,784
  4151. So I get up near this baby,
  4152. I wipe the sweat from my brow,
  4153.  
  4154. 924
  4155. 00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:26,745
  4156. I calm myself and say to the woman,
  4157. "Excuse me, hi.
  4158.  
  4159. 925
  4160. 00:53:30,791 --> 00:53:32,626
  4161. I need to squeeze your baby's leg."
  4162.  
  4163. 926
  4164. 00:53:34,169 --> 00:53:37,881
  4165. She was, like,
  4166. "Absolutely! Get in there! Get in there!
  4167.  
  4168. 927
  4169. 00:53:37,965 --> 00:53:42,261
  4170. His name is Charlie." She gave me his
  4171. blood type, his social security number...
  4172.  
  4173. 928
  4174. 00:53:42,678 --> 00:53:46,348
  4175. There's an art to squeezing a baby leg.
  4176. You're not actually squeezing.
  4177.  
  4178. 929
  4179. 00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:48,225
  4180. You're taking your pincher fingers,
  4181.  
  4182. 930
  4183. 00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:51,603
  4184. and you're putting it like this,
  4185. and lightly oscillating...
  4186.  
  4187. 931
  4188. 00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:55,983
  4189. allowing the fat to rapidly undulate...
  4190.  
  4191. 932
  4192. 00:53:56,525 --> 00:53:59,153
  4193. so fast it looks like a fluid motion,
  4194.  
  4195. 933
  4196. 00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:02,281
  4197. not unlike the flapping
  4198. of a hummingbird's wings, okay.
  4199.  
  4200. 934
  4201. 00:54:04,658 --> 00:54:06,243
  4202. This is how I give a hand job.
  4203.  
  4204. 935
  4205. 00:54:07,995 --> 00:54:09,997
  4206. Baby leg!
  4207.  
  4208. 936
  4209. 00:54:13,417 --> 00:54:17,588
  4210. Any pressure you would apply to said
  4211. leg, you divert up to your back molar,
  4212.  
  4213. 937
  4214. 00:54:17,671 --> 00:54:18,964
  4215. and you grind it.
  4216.  
  4217. 938
  4218. 00:54:21,425 --> 00:54:24,678
  4219. When you feel enamel starting
  4220. to break down, that's how you know
  4221.  
  4222. 939
  4223. 00:54:24,762 --> 00:54:26,638
  4224. you gotta get out of there, okay.
  4225.  
  4226. 940
  4227. 00:54:26,722 --> 00:54:29,641
  4228. You know you're at maximum capacity
  4229. for cuteness
  4230.  
  4231. 941
  4232. 00:54:29,725 --> 00:54:33,103
  4233. when you start making
  4234. thinly veiled threats to the child.
  4235.  
  4236. 942
  4237. 00:54:34,730 --> 00:54:35,731
  4238. I'm going to eat that leg.
  4239.  
  4240. 943
  4241. 00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:38,734
  4242. I'm gonna bite that nose!
  4243.  
  4244. 944
  4245. 00:54:38,817 --> 00:54:41,361
  4246. The mom was into it!
  4247. She was, like, "Eat his fucking leg!"
  4248.  
  4249. 945
  4250. 00:54:42,279 --> 00:54:45,449
  4251. I'm gonna eat that leg. "Bite his fucking
  4252. nose!" I'm gonna eat that nose!
  4253.  
  4254. 946
  4255. 00:54:46,617 --> 00:54:49,661
  4256. Everyone's into it, except the kid
  4257. who's being the adult. He's, like,
  4258.  
  4259. 947
  4260. 00:54:49,745 --> 00:54:50,704
  4261. "What the fuck is this?"
  4262.  
  4263. 948
  4264. 00:54:58,170 --> 00:54:59,087
  4265. Baby leg.
  4266.  
  4267. 949
  4268. 00:55:01,089 --> 00:55:05,803
  4269. So... back to our original narrative.
  4270. You're a dragon in your kitchen.
  4271.  
  4272. 950
  4273. 00:55:09,014 --> 00:55:12,559
  4274. And those maternal, we don't have to
  4275. restrict it to just women.
  4276.  
  4277. 951
  4278. 00:55:12,643 --> 00:55:16,647
  4279. Paternal, parental. Those maternal urges
  4280. start to bubble up.
  4281.  
  4282. 952
  4283. 00:55:16,730 --> 00:55:19,858
  4284. Because they're unrealized. You did not
  4285. verbalize last night on your date
  4286.  
  4287. 953
  4288. 00:55:19,942 --> 00:55:23,028
  4289. that you might, one day, possibly,
  4290. with the right person, want kids.
  4291.  
  4292. 954
  4293. 00:55:23,111 --> 00:55:26,532
  4294. It's bubbling up, you're sitting there,
  4295. eating your Oreos, like...
  4296.  
  4297. 955
  4298. 00:55:27,032 --> 00:55:27,866
  4299. Baby.
  4300.  
  4301. 956
  4302. 00:55:29,827 --> 00:55:30,911
  4303. I want a child.
  4304.  
  4305. 957
  4306. 00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:33,163
  4307. Family.
  4308.  
  4309. 958
  4310. 00:55:33,831 --> 00:55:34,665
  4311. Baby.
  4312.  
  4313. 959
  4314. 00:55:34,748 --> 00:55:36,583
  4315. Who's the baby?
  4316.  
  4317. 960
  4318. 00:55:36,667 --> 00:55:41,129
  4319. You look over and who do 100%
  4320. of us take out our parental urges on?
  4321.  
  4322. 961
  4323. 00:55:41,213 --> 00:55:42,756
  4324. Our pets.
  4325.  
  4326. 962
  4327. 00:55:43,674 --> 00:55:46,301
  4328. Who's the baby?
  4329.  
  4330. 963
  4331. 00:55:49,721 --> 00:55:51,348
  4332. Your dog is sitting there, like,
  4333.  
  4334. 964
  4335. 00:55:51,765 --> 00:55:53,433
  4336. "Oh, fuck, it's me!"
  4337.  
  4338. 965
  4339. 00:55:56,228 --> 00:55:59,773
  4340. And you, scoop him up,
  4341. you don't give him a chance to run.
  4342.  
  4343. 966
  4344. 00:55:59,857 --> 00:56:02,442
  4345. You sweep all four legs,
  4346. Daniel-san, just...
  4347.  
  4348. 967
  4349. 00:56:03,277 --> 00:56:06,822
  4350. And you throw him on his back!
  4351. The dog's, like, "This is not natural!"
  4352.  
  4353. 968
  4354. 00:56:06,905 --> 00:56:09,992
  4355. And then you start to rock it.
  4356. Now you're a psychopath.
  4357.  
  4358. 969
  4359. 00:56:10,993 --> 00:56:14,079
  4360. Who's the baby? And the dog's, like,
  4361. "Please, I'm nauseous!"
  4362.  
  4363. 970
  4364. 00:56:14,162 --> 00:56:16,999
  4365. You're an angel. Who wants kisses,
  4366. who wants kisses?
  4367.  
  4368. 971
  4369. 00:56:17,666 --> 00:56:19,293
  4370. The dog doesn't know they're kisses.
  4371.  
  4372. 972
  4373. 00:56:19,376 --> 00:56:23,088
  4374. All the dog sees are your canine incisors
  4375. coming at his face.
  4376.  
  4377. 973
  4378. 00:56:23,922 --> 00:56:27,885
  4379. This tooth right here is what lets him
  4380. know that you're a fucking carnivore.
  4381.  
  4382. 974
  4383. 00:56:29,219 --> 00:56:32,598
  4384. Human beings don't get this close
  4385. to other human beings' faces
  4386.  
  4387. 975
  4388. 00:56:32,681 --> 00:56:34,641
  4389. unless it's like a UFC weigh-in, like,
  4390.  
  4391. 976
  4392. 00:56:34,725 --> 00:56:37,060
  4393. "I'm gonna eat you, motherfucker!"
  4394. That's exactly...
  4395.  
  4396. 977
  4397. 00:56:37,144 --> 00:56:39,730
  4398. Who's the baby?
  4399. The dog's, like, "Please put me down!"
  4400.  
  4401. 978
  4402. 00:56:39,813 --> 00:56:41,940
  4403. Who wants belly kisses?
  4404.  
  4405. 979
  4406. 00:56:42,024 --> 00:56:43,317
  4407. "Please don't bite my dick!"
  4408.  
  4409. 980
  4410. 00:56:46,737 --> 00:56:49,573
  4411. It doesn't even occur to you
  4412. that he might be terrified.
  4413.  
  4414. 981
  4415. 00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:51,575
  4416. You're, like, "Oh, he loves his mama."
  4417.  
  4418. 982
  4419. 00:56:51,658 --> 00:56:52,826
  4420. He loves... He loves you?
  4421.  
  4422. 983
  4423. 00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:58,624
  4424. Next time, notice the Cirque du Soleil
  4425. stunt your dog is willing to pull...
  4426.  
  4427. 984
  4428. 00:56:58,707 --> 00:57:01,251
  4429. to get away from your love. He's, like,
  4430.  
  4431. 985
  4432. 00:57:01,335 --> 00:57:02,878
  4433. "I died well!"
  4434.  
  4435. 986
  4436. 00:57:10,510 --> 00:57:12,095
  4437. Dog looks up at you.
  4438.  
  4439. 987
  4440. 00:57:12,888 --> 00:57:14,222
  4441. Closes his blouse.
  4442.  
  4443. 988
  4444. 00:57:16,516 --> 00:57:20,020
  4445. Goes and hides under something
  4446. he deems impenetrable,
  4447.  
  4448. 989
  4449. 00:57:20,103 --> 00:57:21,813
  4450. like a kitchen chair.
  4451.  
  4452. 990
  4453. 00:57:26,318 --> 00:57:29,154
  4454. "Yes, from behind these four legs,
  4455. I will lead the war."
  4456.  
  4457. 991
  4458. 00:57:32,199 --> 00:57:33,742
  4459. What's really fucked-up...
  4460.  
  4461. 992
  4462. 00:57:35,410 --> 00:57:36,828
  4463. is that ten minutes later...
  4464.  
  4465. 993
  4466. 00:57:38,080 --> 00:57:39,498
  4467. the dog has forgotten.
  4468.  
  4469. 994
  4470. 00:57:41,833 --> 00:57:43,877
  4471. He's forgotten the broad strokes...
  4472.  
  4473. 995
  4474. 00:57:44,628 --> 00:57:46,380
  4475. of the abuse. Here's what he knows.
  4476.  
  4477. 996
  4478. 00:57:47,714 --> 00:57:50,217
  4479. He knows something bad... happened.
  4480.  
  4481. 997
  4482. 00:57:51,885 --> 00:57:55,138
  4483. He knows...
  4484. something bad will happen again.
  4485.  
  4486. 998
  4487. 00:57:56,848 --> 00:57:58,308
  4488. And again, and again.
  4489.  
  4490. 999
  4491. 00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:02,104
  4492. He also knows... that he loves you.
  4493.  
  4494. 1000
  4495. 00:58:03,230 --> 00:58:04,648
  4496. But he's conflicted.
  4497.  
  4498. 1001
  4499. 00:58:05,732 --> 00:58:08,110
  4500. Because he knows
  4501. that the person he loves...
  4502.  
  4503. 1002
  4504. 00:58:08,735 --> 00:58:11,196
  4505. is the one who's going to make
  4506. the bad thing happen.
  4507.  
  4508. 1003
  4509. 00:58:13,824 --> 00:58:16,410
  4510. It's like Stockholm syndrome
  4511. meets <i>Groundhog Day.</i>
  4512.  
  4513. 1004
  4514. 00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:20,998
  4515. Here's what's even more fucked-up.
  4516.  
  4517. 1005
  4518. 00:58:21,581 --> 00:58:22,874
  4519. Ten minutes later...
  4520.  
  4521. 1006
  4522. 00:58:23,667 --> 00:58:25,043
  4523. you need another hit.
  4524.  
  4525. 1007
  4526. 00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:29,047
  4527. You're just coming down off your high,
  4528.  
  4529. 1008
  4530. 00:58:29,131 --> 00:58:32,467
  4531. you're, like, "I gotta go to
  4532. the grocery store. I've got a callback..."
  4533.  
  4534. 1009
  4535. 00:58:32,551 --> 00:58:34,845
  4536. Who's the baby?
  4537.  
  4538. 1010
  4539. 00:58:35,804 --> 00:58:38,682
  4540. This time he doesn't remember.
  4541. He's, like, "I don't know!
  4542.  
  4543. 1011
  4544. 00:58:39,725 --> 00:58:41,810
  4545. I don't know. Why don't I remember?"
  4546.  
  4547. 1012
  4548. 00:58:41,893 --> 00:58:44,146
  4549. You're getting closer. Who's the baby?
  4550.  
  4551. 1013
  4552. 00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:46,148
  4553. "I don't know."
  4554.  
  4555. 1014
  4556. 00:58:46,231 --> 00:58:50,569
  4557. The dog's having very blurry flashbacks
  4558. of teeth, and kisses, and belly rubs.
  4559.  
  4560. 1015
  4561. 00:58:50,652 --> 00:58:52,279
  4562. It's like <i>Westworld </i>for dogs.
  4563.  
  4564. 1016
  4565. 00:58:54,489 --> 00:58:55,782
  4566. Who's the baby?
  4567.  
  4568. 1017
  4569. 00:58:55,866 --> 00:58:59,578
  4570. "I don't know! Leave me alone!"
  4571. Who's the baby?
  4572.  
  4573. 1018
  4574. 00:58:59,661 --> 00:59:01,621
  4575. "I don't know! I don't know who the..."
  4576.  
  4577. 1019
  4578. 00:59:01,705 --> 00:59:04,875
  4579. He looks down at his arm
  4580. and there's a tattoo that just says...
  4581.  
  4582. 1020
  4583. 00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:07,544
  4584. "You're the baby."
  4585.  
  4586. 1021
  4587. 00:59:09,713 --> 00:59:10,797
  4588. You're the baby.
  4589.  
  4590. 1022
  4591. 00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:21,183
  4592. So, I'm getting married.
  4593.  
  4594. 1023
  4595. 00:59:22,726 --> 00:59:26,021
  4596. One of the lovely things
  4597. about the man that I'm marrying is that
  4598.  
  4599. 1024
  4600. 00:59:26,104 --> 00:59:29,733
  4601. he has never asked me to change
  4602. anything about myself.
  4603.  
  4604. 1025
  4605. 00:59:29,816 --> 00:59:31,693
  4606. This is a very weird job.
  4607.  
  4608. 1026
  4609. 00:59:31,777 --> 00:59:33,070
  4610. We're on a ship.
  4611.  
  4612. 1027
  4613. 00:59:33,153 --> 00:59:35,739
  4614. I'm telling jokes.
  4615. Those things don't go together.
  4616.  
  4617. 1028
  4618. 00:59:36,990 --> 00:59:41,161
  4619. He's always been respectful of my job,
  4620. he's never asked that I not go,
  4621.  
  4622. 1029
  4623. 00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,663
  4624. not go to work, that I not take a gig.
  4625.  
  4626. 1030
  4627. 00:59:44,164 --> 00:59:47,167
  4628. The only thing he's ever asked
  4629. that I not do
  4630.  
  4631. 1031
  4632. 00:59:47,250 --> 00:59:50,087
  4633. was a couple of weeks ago,
  4634. we were getting ready for bed,
  4635.  
  4636. 1032
  4637. 00:59:50,170 --> 00:59:52,798
  4638. and I came out, dressed,
  4639. and he looked at me and went,
  4640.  
  4641. 1033
  4642. 00:59:52,881 --> 00:59:53,840
  4643. "Babe.
  4644.  
  4645. 1034
  4646. 00:59:54,633 --> 00:59:55,467
  4647. Love you.
  4648.  
  4649. 1035
  4650. 00:59:58,345 --> 01:00:01,431
  4651. Can you <i>not</i> wear men's basketball shorts
  4652. to bed?"
  4653.  
  4654. 1036
  4655. 01:00:04,893 --> 01:00:07,437
  4656. And I was, like,
  4657. "Interesting request. Proceed."
  4658.  
  4659. 1037
  4660. 01:00:09,731 --> 01:00:10,899
  4661. He goes, "Uh...
  4662.  
  4663. 1038
  4664. 01:00:11,525 --> 01:00:13,235
  4665. Love you. Think you're beautiful.
  4666.  
  4667. 1039
  4668. 01:00:15,028 --> 01:00:18,615
  4669. It's just that...
  4670. I'm not as attracted to you
  4671.  
  4672. 1040
  4673. 01:00:18,949 --> 01:00:21,493
  4674. and I don't really want
  4675. to have sex with you...
  4676.  
  4677. 1041
  4678. 01:00:21,576 --> 01:00:24,329
  4679. when you're in men's basketball shorts."
  4680.  
  4681. 1042
  4682. 01:00:25,205 --> 01:00:26,456
  4683. I was, like, "Oh...
  4684.  
  4685. 1043
  4686. 01:00:26,790 --> 01:00:27,999
  4687. that's the idea!
  4688.  
  4689. 1044
  4690. 01:00:28,083 --> 01:00:29,626
  4691. Thanks for the ring, fucker!"
  4692.  
  4693. 1045
  4694. 01:00:47,394 --> 01:00:49,729
  4695. He's sitting in the back, like,
  4696. "We fuck. I mean..."
  4697.  
  4698. 1046
  4699. 01:00:53,817 --> 01:00:56,319
  4700. My dad's also here
  4701. so that was a weird take, so...
  4702.  
  4703. 1047
  4704. 01:00:59,239 --> 01:01:03,869
  4705. A big part of getting married
  4706. is you have to buy a wedding dress.
  4707.  
  4708. 1048
  4709. 01:01:03,952 --> 01:01:07,747
  4710. And this is just one more milestone
  4711. in our lives as women
  4712.  
  4713. 1049
  4714. 01:01:07,831 --> 01:01:10,625
  4715. where other women don't clue us in
  4716.  
  4717. 1050
  4718. 01:01:10,709 --> 01:01:13,670
  4719. on how terrible it actually is.
  4720.  
  4721. 1051
  4722. 01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:17,924
  4723. We say we're girls' girls and feminists,
  4724. but none of us, like, give the truth
  4725.  
  4726. 1052
  4727. 01:01:18,008 --> 01:01:19,259
  4728. about girl things.
  4729.  
  4730. 1053
  4731. 01:01:19,342 --> 01:01:23,305
  4732. We act like it's sugar and spice, I keep
  4733. my cereals in canisters like a psycho,
  4734.  
  4735. 1054
  4736. 01:01:23,388 --> 01:01:25,223
  4737. I'm doing it, yoga. Okay.
  4738.  
  4739. 1055
  4740. 01:01:26,099 --> 01:01:28,185
  4741. Everything, every big thing in
  4742. a woman's life.
  4743.  
  4744. 1056
  4745. 01:01:28,268 --> 01:01:31,021
  4746. Oh, you had your period?
  4747. Welcome to being a woman.
  4748.  
  4749. 1057
  4750. 01:01:31,104 --> 01:01:34,399
  4751. There's no homegirl, like,
  4752. "You're gonna wanna rip out your ovaries,
  4753.  
  4754. 1058
  4755. 01:01:34,482 --> 01:01:36,735
  4756. and hate your body,
  4757. and you're gonna cry.
  4758.  
  4759. 1059
  4760. 01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:40,322
  4761. You're gonna want a lot of chocolate.
  4762. Probably not even go to school.
  4763.  
  4764. 1060
  4765. 01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:43,116
  4766. Your skin's gonna break out. Welcome
  4767. to womanhood. Get in the game."
  4768.  
  4769. 1061
  4770. 01:01:43,200 --> 01:01:44,618
  4771. They don't say that, okay?
  4772.  
  4773. 1062
  4774. 01:01:45,911 --> 01:01:48,496
  4775. You're having a baby?
  4776. Oh, it's so beautiful.
  4777.  
  4778. 1063
  4779. 01:01:48,580 --> 01:01:50,248
  4780. "Come here. You're gonna shit yourself.
  4781.  
  4782. 1064
  4783. 01:01:52,626 --> 01:01:55,962
  4784. Then society's gonna judge you 'cause
  4785. you didn't get your body back like that."
  4786.  
  4787. 1065
  4788. 01:01:59,424 --> 01:02:01,801
  4789. "You're getting a wedding dress?
  4790. Oh, it's so magical.
  4791.  
  4792. 1066
  4793. 01:02:02,469 --> 01:02:04,554
  4794. So magical. You show up.
  4795.  
  4796. 1067
  4797. 01:02:04,971 --> 01:02:06,514
  4798. It's so magical. You show up.
  4799.  
  4800. 1068
  4801. 01:02:06,598 --> 01:02:09,309
  4802. Your mother is there.
  4803. She doesn't tell you you look tired.
  4804.  
  4805. 1069
  4806. 01:02:10,936 --> 01:02:14,773
  4807. You've lost so much weight,
  4808. every dress just cascades off of you.
  4809.  
  4810. 1070
  4811. 01:02:14,856 --> 01:02:18,568
  4812. A modeling coach walks by and says,
  4813. 'She's too beautiful for the runway.'
  4814.  
  4815. 1071
  4816. 01:02:18,652 --> 01:02:21,613
  4817. You stand there.
  4818. Your best friends are there, and they...
  4819.  
  4820. 1072
  4821. 01:02:21,696 --> 01:02:23,323
  4822. And none of them are jealous.
  4823.  
  4824. 1073
  4825. 01:02:23,406 --> 01:02:27,202
  4826. And a dove brings you
  4827. the perfect silken... and it just..."
  4828.  
  4829. 1074
  4830. 01:02:27,285 --> 01:02:30,956
  4831. No. It's you standing there
  4832. at a dress shop in West Hollywood
  4833.  
  4834. 1075
  4835. 01:02:31,039 --> 01:02:33,583
  4836. with your mom on FaceTime asking you
  4837. how FaceTime works.
  4838.  
  4839. 1076
  4840. 01:02:33,667 --> 01:02:36,127
  4841. Just use the button!
  4842. Ask somebody near you!
  4843.  
  4844. 1077
  4845. 01:02:36,211 --> 01:02:38,797
  4846. There's some Russian seamstress
  4847. at the bottom, like,
  4848.  
  4849. 1078
  4850. 01:02:38,922 --> 01:02:41,424
  4851. "Your hips are too wide for this cut.
  4852. You should not try it on."
  4853.  
  4854. 1079
  4855. 01:02:42,467 --> 01:02:45,637
  4856. Then you go eat Chick-fil-A.
  4857. Like, that's buying a wedding dress.
  4858.  
  4859. 1080
  4860. 01:02:46,638 --> 01:02:49,140
  4861. So, I was trying on wedding dresses,
  4862. and I figured
  4863.  
  4864. 1081
  4865. 01:02:49,224 --> 01:02:51,226
  4866. I should go with a big princess dress,
  4867.  
  4868. 1082
  4869. 01:02:51,309 --> 01:02:55,230
  4870. because that's the chance to wear it,
  4871. so I put it on, and I come out...
  4872.  
  4873. 1083
  4874. 01:02:56,606 --> 01:02:59,317
  4875. and I realize, if that's the kind of dress
  4876. you wear,
  4877.  
  4878. 1084
  4879. 01:02:59,401 --> 01:03:03,238
  4880. if you extrapolate your wedding dress
  4881. from the actual day...
  4882.  
  4883. 1085
  4884. 01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:05,573
  4885. you're dressed like a lunatic.
  4886.  
  4887. 1086
  4888. 01:03:07,492 --> 01:03:11,329
  4889. For, like, deeply disturbing
  4890. psychological reasons.
  4891.  
  4892. 1087
  4893. 01:03:11,413 --> 01:03:13,456
  4894. You're, like, "I'm a pretty princess.
  4895.  
  4896. 1088
  4897. 01:03:15,458 --> 01:03:19,546
  4898. I'm a pr... "No, you're Gaby,
  4899. and you work in HR. You are not a pr...
  4900.  
  4901. 1089
  4902. 01:03:19,629 --> 01:03:21,840
  4903. "No, I'm a pretty princess."
  4904.  
  4905. 1090
  4906. 01:03:21,923 --> 01:03:26,219
  4907. And all of your maids have to agree
  4908. with you, like, "Yes, fairest of all."
  4909.  
  4910. 1091
  4911. 01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:31,433
  4912. "I'm a pr... I'm a ballerina princess!
  4913. 'Cause I've got Arena shoes.
  4914.  
  4915. 1092
  4916. 01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:34,144
  4917. 'Cause I'm Daddy's ballerina.
  4918. I'm a pretty princess.
  4919.  
  4920. 1093
  4921. 01:03:34,227 --> 01:03:36,354
  4922. Bring me Snow White's heart on a platter."
  4923.  
  4924. 1094
  4925. 01:03:44,487 --> 01:03:48,908
  4926. So I'm trying all different dresses, and
  4927. there's this weird phenomenon with women,
  4928.  
  4929. 1095
  4930. 01:03:48,992 --> 01:03:51,494
  4931. when you try on more than three articles
  4932. of clothing.
  4933.  
  4934. 1096
  4935. 01:03:51,578 --> 01:03:53,872
  4936. There is no fourth. You just start crying.
  4937.  
  4938. 1097
  4939. 01:03:54,622 --> 01:03:57,667
  4940. There's something about incandescent
  4941. lighting hitting your fat cells
  4942.  
  4943. 1098
  4944. 01:03:57,751 --> 01:04:00,378
  4945. that actually makes them multiply
  4946. on the spot.
  4947.  
  4948. 1099
  4949. 01:04:00,462 --> 01:04:04,299
  4950. You get angry. Do you ever do this move
  4951. where you hit your fat, hoping to pop it?
  4952.  
  4953. 1100
  4954. 01:04:04,382 --> 01:04:07,510
  4955. It doesn't. It just leaves a bruise,
  4956. then you can't wear shorts. So...
  4957.  
  4958. 1101
  4959. 01:04:08,386 --> 01:04:12,223
  4960. I started to get upset
  4961. and I did the mistake that all women do.
  4962.  
  4963. 1102
  4964. 01:04:12,307 --> 01:04:15,268
  4965. I started to get angry about something
  4966. on my body I couldn't control.
  4967.  
  4968. 1103
  4969. 01:04:15,352 --> 01:04:16,895
  4970. Every girl's got a thing
  4971.  
  4972. 1104
  4973. 01:04:16,978 --> 01:04:19,856
  4974. that she hates about herself
  4975. that's impossible to change.
  4976.  
  4977. 1105
  4978. 01:04:19,939 --> 01:04:21,941
  4979. For me, I don't like how tall I am.
  4980.  
  4981. 1106
  4982. 01:04:22,567 --> 01:04:25,153
  4983. That makes it sound like I'm tall.
  4984. I wish I were taller.
  4985.  
  4986. 1107
  4987. 01:04:26,404 --> 01:04:30,700
  4988. So tall. To you, like, "She's so tall."
  4989. 'Cause I'm this big on your TV.
  4990.  
  4991. 1108
  4992. 01:04:30,784 --> 01:04:32,869
  4993. But I am 5'5".
  4994.  
  4995. 1109
  4996. 01:04:32,952 --> 01:04:34,496
  4997. And it kills me.
  4998.  
  4999. 1110
  5000. 01:04:35,330 --> 01:04:39,834
  5001. It's not short enough that... "Do you shop
  5002. at Gap Kids? You're so petite!"
  5003.  
  5004. 1111
  5005. 01:04:39,918 --> 01:04:40,794
  5006. No.
  5007.  
  5008. 1112
  5009. 01:04:40,877 --> 01:04:44,798
  5010. And it's not tall enough that
  5011. people assume I'm a natural athlete.
  5012.  
  5013. 1113
  5014. 01:04:44,881 --> 01:04:46,508
  5015. I'm just this average...
  5016.  
  5017. 1114
  5018. 01:04:46,591 --> 01:04:47,717
  5019. 5'5"...
  5020.  
  5021. 1115
  5022. 01:04:47,801 --> 01:04:51,763
  5023. member of the proletariat
  5024. marching to pick a size 7 shoe.
  5025.  
  5026. 1116
  5027. 01:04:51,846 --> 01:04:52,764
  5028. Like, it's just...
  5029.  
  5030. 1117
  5031. 01:04:54,766 --> 01:04:57,394
  5032. Anytime you tell another woman what you
  5033. don't like about yourself,
  5034.  
  5035. 1118
  5036. 01:04:57,477 --> 01:04:58,937
  5037. they never let you say it.
  5038.  
  5039. 1119
  5040. 01:04:59,020 --> 01:05:00,772
  5041. Oh, I'd kill to have your hair.
  5042.  
  5043. 1120
  5044. 01:05:00,855 --> 01:05:03,691
  5045. I'd kill to have your beak,
  5046. I love your feathers. It's like...
  5047.  
  5048. 1121
  5049. 01:05:06,653 --> 01:05:11,533
  5050. So, I'm sitting there, getting ready
  5051. to pick out a dress for my wedding,
  5052.  
  5053. 1122
  5054. 01:05:11,616 --> 01:05:12,617
  5055. and I was angry.
  5056.  
  5057. 1123
  5058. 01:05:12,700 --> 01:05:15,954
  5059. That's not an emotion you want
  5060. to attach... to your wedding.
  5061.  
  5062. 1124
  5063. 01:05:16,037 --> 01:05:19,791
  5064. I started to feel sad, and, for me,
  5065. when I get upset about something,
  5066.  
  5067. 1125
  5068. 01:05:19,874 --> 01:05:22,961
  5069. I attach it to literally everything else
  5070. in my life.
  5071.  
  5072. 1126
  5073. 01:05:23,044 --> 01:05:24,129
  5074. And it spirals.
  5075.  
  5076. 1127
  5077. 01:05:24,212 --> 01:05:27,424
  5078. It's not about the dress,
  5079. it's about how I feel about the dress,
  5080.  
  5081. 1128
  5082. 01:05:27,507 --> 01:05:31,136
  5083. it's how I feel about me, I'll marry
  5084. my dog, we'll live in the woods!
  5085.  
  5086. 1129
  5087. 01:05:31,219 --> 01:05:33,221
  5088. Like, it just goes, like that.
  5089.  
  5090. 1130
  5091. 01:05:34,180 --> 01:05:37,016
  5092. Started to get real angry about my body
  5093. 'cause it wasn't fitting perfectly
  5094.  
  5095. 1131
  5096. 01:05:37,100 --> 01:05:38,893
  5097. into the right dress that I wanted.
  5098.  
  5099. 1132
  5100. 01:05:38,977 --> 01:05:41,688
  5101. I stopped and was, like,
  5102. "If I'm feeling this way right now,
  5103.  
  5104. 1133
  5105. 01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:43,940
  5106. there's gotta be other women
  5107. who feel this way."
  5108.  
  5109. 1134
  5110. 01:05:44,023 --> 01:05:48,153
  5111. So I'm going to say this 'cause I wish
  5112. I'd given myself this pep talk that day.
  5113.  
  5114. 1135
  5115. 01:05:48,445 --> 01:05:49,279
  5116. Here's the truth.
  5117.  
  5118. 1136
  5119. 01:05:49,362 --> 01:05:51,906
  5120. Girls, your bodies are perfect...
  5121.  
  5122. 1137
  5123. 01:05:52,323 --> 01:05:53,158
  5124. and normal...
  5125.  
  5126. 1138
  5127. 01:05:53,575 --> 01:05:55,952
  5128. and functional... and beautiful.
  5129.  
  5130. 1139
  5131. 01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:59,414
  5132. There's always one girl in back
  5133. with a horn. "What about me?"
  5134.  
  5135. 1140
  5136. 01:05:59,497 --> 01:06:00,582
  5137. No.
  5138.  
  5139. 1141
  5140. 01:06:01,499 --> 01:06:02,417
  5141. Not you!
  5142.  
  5143. 1142
  5144. 01:06:03,501 --> 01:06:04,377
  5145. Shave it.
  5146.  
  5147. 1143
  5148. 01:06:05,879 --> 01:06:06,880
  5149. Quit following me.
  5150.  
  5151. 1144
  5152. 01:06:09,549 --> 01:06:13,720
  5153. But we've been brainwashed into trying
  5154. to live up to this Instagram Photoshop
  5155.  
  5156. 1145
  5157. 01:06:13,803 --> 01:06:15,388
  5158. example of what beauty is.
  5159.  
  5160. 1146
  5161. 01:06:15,472 --> 01:06:17,724
  5162. And some girls do look like that.
  5163. Fuck them.
  5164.  
  5165. 1147
  5166. 01:06:17,807 --> 01:06:21,394
  5167. No, some girls do. There's always
  5168. something you don't like.
  5169.  
  5170. 1148
  5171. 01:06:21,478 --> 01:06:23,271
  5172. We have to stop faulting ourselves
  5173.  
  5174. 1149
  5175. 01:06:23,354 --> 01:06:25,148
  5176. for things that are very normal.
  5177.  
  5178. 1150
  5179. 01:06:25,231 --> 01:06:28,443
  5180. "I've got cellulite. What if he doesn't
  5181. want to have sex with me
  5182.  
  5183. 1151
  5184. 01:06:28,526 --> 01:06:30,153
  5185. 'cause I have cellulite?"
  5186.  
  5187. 1152
  5188. 01:06:30,236 --> 01:06:33,656
  5189. Well, 100% of women
  5190. have some form of cellulite.
  5191.  
  5192. 1153
  5193. 01:06:33,740 --> 01:06:36,367
  5194. If he doesn't want to fuck you
  5195. 'cause you got cellulite,
  5196.  
  5197. 1154
  5198. 01:06:36,493 --> 01:06:38,411
  5199. he'd better start fucking dudes, 'cause...
  5200.  
  5201. 1155
  5202. 01:06:40,079 --> 01:06:42,499
  5203. there's no other option till the robots
  5204. take over.
  5205.  
  5206. 1156
  5207. 01:06:44,250 --> 01:06:47,212
  5208. Moreover, he doesn't want
  5209. to have that conversation.
  5210.  
  5211. 1157
  5212. 01:06:47,629 --> 01:06:49,380
  5213. A guy doesn't find it attractive
  5214.  
  5215. 1158
  5216. 01:06:49,464 --> 01:06:52,467
  5217. when you verbalize over and over
  5218. how much you hate something.
  5219.  
  5220. 1159
  5221. 01:06:52,550 --> 01:06:54,344
  5222. "But my cellulite? I showed it to you."
  5223.  
  5224. 1160
  5225. 01:06:54,427 --> 01:06:57,430
  5226. Look at that. I'll make a face out of it."
  5227. He doesn't...
  5228.  
  5229. 1161
  5230. 01:06:57,514 --> 01:06:59,807
  5231. The conversation he wants to have
  5232. is the following.
  5233.  
  5234. 1162
  5235. 01:06:59,891 --> 01:07:00,975
  5236. "Let me ask you a question.
  5237.  
  5238. 1163
  5239. 01:07:01,684 --> 01:07:04,812
  5240. Are you going to continue to breathe
  5241. during intercourse?"
  5242.  
  5243. 1164
  5244. 01:07:06,022 --> 01:07:08,274
  5245. You're, like, "Yeah, I was planning
  5246. on it."
  5247.  
  5248. 1165
  5249. 01:07:08,358 --> 01:07:09,859
  5250. He's, like, "Then we're cool.
  5251.  
  5252. 1166
  5253. 01:07:12,362 --> 01:07:13,780
  5254. That holds up in court...
  5255.  
  5256. 1167
  5257. 01:07:16,241 --> 01:07:17,158
  5258. I found out."
  5259.  
  5260. 1168
  5261. 01:07:18,826 --> 01:07:21,454
  5262. But I've got this, and chub,
  5263. and I don't like my arms.
  5264.  
  5265. 1169
  5266. 01:07:21,538 --> 01:07:24,624
  5267. And I have stretch marks,
  5268. from growing from an infant!
  5269.  
  5270. 1170
  5271. 01:07:27,001 --> 01:07:31,130
  5272. And I don't want to be this hand-holding,
  5273. like, "Every woman is perfect."
  5274.  
  5275. 1171
  5276. 01:07:31,214 --> 01:07:34,050
  5277. Look, you might not be perfect, okay.
  5278.  
  5279. 1172
  5280. 01:07:34,133 --> 01:07:36,928
  5281. I'm not here to judge that,
  5282. if you're not, if you are.
  5283.  
  5284. 1173
  5285. 01:07:37,011 --> 01:07:40,557
  5286. What I say is it's up to you to decide
  5287. how much you love your body.
  5288.  
  5289. 1174
  5290. 01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:43,685
  5291. Fuck everybody else. Don't fuck them...
  5292. Not literally. But...
  5293.  
  5294. 1175
  5295. 01:07:44,394 --> 01:07:46,563
  5296. if it makes you feel good!
  5297. It probably won't.
  5298.  
  5299. 1176
  5300. 01:07:47,814 --> 01:07:51,317
  5301. It's up for you to decide, because
  5302. we get so upset, and you know what?
  5303.  
  5304. 1177
  5305. 01:07:51,901 --> 01:07:55,405
  5306. The guy you like probably isn't even
  5307. going to notice the thing you hate.
  5308.  
  5309. 1178
  5310. 01:07:55,488 --> 01:07:56,781
  5311. Most people won't.
  5312.  
  5313. 1179
  5314. 01:07:56,864 --> 01:07:57,740
  5315. Men won't.
  5316.  
  5317. 1180
  5318. 01:07:57,824 --> 01:08:01,953
  5319. Most of the things, a guy is not going
  5320. to notice. They're not that observant.
  5321.  
  5322. 1181
  5323. 01:08:03,496 --> 01:08:05,790
  5324. 40% of men
  5325. can only see three colors.
  5326.  
  5327. 1182
  5328. 01:08:08,793 --> 01:08:11,546
  5329. 40% of the men here
  5330. don't know that that's red.
  5331.  
  5332. 1183
  5333. 01:08:13,339 --> 01:08:14,966
  5334. Notice it's a hollow laugh.
  5335.  
  5336. 1184
  5337. 01:08:16,718 --> 01:08:19,178
  5338. 40% of the men are, like,
  5339. "Hah! Oh, fuck.
  5340.  
  5341. 1185
  5342. 01:08:23,099 --> 01:08:24,517
  5343. Siri, what is red?"
  5344.  
  5345. 1186
  5346. 01:08:28,104 --> 01:08:32,483
  5347. And, again, you might have a perfect body.
  5348. You might not have a great body.
  5349.  
  5350. 1187
  5351. 01:08:32,567 --> 01:08:34,736
  5352. I don't know what you got
  5353. under that tarp.
  5354.  
  5355. 1188
  5356. 01:08:34,819 --> 01:08:38,990
  5357. You could have... blown out the whole
  5358. region with a bad wax strip, I don't know.
  5359.  
  5360. 1189
  5361. 01:08:40,116 --> 01:08:43,161
  5362. But I do know is this.
  5363. Whatever you have as a woman,
  5364.  
  5365. 1190
  5366. 01:08:43,244 --> 01:08:45,455
  5367. whatever your body looks like, girls.
  5368.  
  5369. 1191
  5370. 01:08:45,830 --> 01:08:47,665
  5371. However bad you think it is
  5372.  
  5373. 1192
  5374. 01:08:47,749 --> 01:08:50,710
  5375. pales in comparison to the look
  5376.  
  5377. 1193
  5378. 01:08:50,793 --> 01:08:53,630
  5379. of 100% of...
  5380.  
  5381. 1194
  5382. 01:08:54,339 --> 01:08:55,256
  5383. scrotums!
  5384.  
  5385. 1195
  5386. 01:08:56,716 --> 01:08:57,842
  5387. What is that?
  5388.  
  5389. 1196
  5390. 01:08:58,593 --> 01:09:00,386
  5391. What the fuck is that?
  5392.  
  5393. 1197
  5394. 01:09:02,639 --> 01:09:05,975
  5395. Why is this not the topic
  5396. of every State of the Union address?
  5397.  
  5398. 1198
  5399. 01:09:06,726 --> 01:09:09,937
  5400. Why is this... how come...
  5401. my thighs can't touch,
  5402.  
  5403. 1199
  5404. 01:09:10,021 --> 01:09:14,150
  5405. but you have two dead baby birds,
  5406. hanging.
  5407.  
  5408. 1200
  5409. 01:09:16,277 --> 01:09:18,321
  5410. Sir, bat-like. Hanging.
  5411.  
  5412. 1201
  5413. 01:09:19,614 --> 01:09:23,076
  5414. Sometimes so low,
  5415. they're in the toilet water.
  5416.  
  5417. 1202
  5418. 01:09:24,202 --> 01:09:25,078
  5419. Hanging.
  5420.  
  5421. 1203
  5422. 01:09:27,038 --> 01:09:30,958
  5423. Every guy here is laughing, smiling,
  5424. or not making eye contact with me.
  5425.  
  5426. 1204
  5427. 01:09:33,378 --> 01:09:37,256
  5428. Because it's never occurred to men
  5429. to question their bodies.
  5430.  
  5431. 1205
  5432. 01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:40,968
  5433. Every guy is, like, "Why wouldn't you want
  5434. this on your face for free?"
  5435.  
  5436. 1206
  5437. 01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:45,848
  5438. If we are to move forward as women,
  5439. as feminists,
  5440.  
  5441. 1207
  5442. 01:09:45,932 --> 01:09:51,020
  5443. we need to decide we won't be shamed
  5444. for what our bodies look naturally either.
  5445.  
  5446. 1208
  5447. 01:09:51,104 --> 01:09:54,732
  5448. And just so you know, gentlemen.
  5449. It's something that we tolerate.
  5450.  
  5451. 1209
  5452. 01:09:54,816 --> 01:09:57,318
  5453. But it's not something
  5454. that we fantasize about.
  5455.  
  5456. 1210
  5457. 01:09:58,319 --> 01:10:01,322
  5458. It's just the way it is,
  5459. so we never really question it.
  5460.  
  5461. 1211
  5462. 01:10:01,406 --> 01:10:04,784
  5463. But no woman growing up was, like,
  5464. "This is my Backstreet Boys poster.
  5465.  
  5466. 1212
  5467. 01:10:04,867 --> 01:10:05,827
  5468. This is NSYNC.
  5469.  
  5470. 1213
  5471. 01:10:05,910 --> 01:10:08,079
  5472. And this is a nut sack!" Like, none of us!
  5473.  
  5474. 1214
  5475. 01:10:11,249 --> 01:10:14,377
  5476. It's hideous and, I'll tell you something
  5477. else, it's a little traumatizing.
  5478.  
  5479. 1215
  5480. 01:10:15,211 --> 01:10:17,130
  5481. 'Cause we put effort into the way we look.
  5482.  
  5483. 1216
  5484. 01:10:17,213 --> 01:10:19,799
  5485. And we're sitting in bed,
  5486. waiting for you to come out,
  5487.  
  5488. 1217
  5489. 01:10:19,882 --> 01:10:23,052
  5490. just like you have every night,
  5491. and you come out the bathroom naked.
  5492.  
  5493. 1218
  5494. 01:10:23,136 --> 01:10:26,389
  5495. You look at us, and we look at you,
  5496. like, "Oh, god, there it is."
  5497.  
  5498. 1219
  5499. 01:10:27,682 --> 01:10:30,518
  5500. Who's the baby?
  5501.  
  5502. 1220
  5503. 01:10:30,977 --> 01:10:34,772
  5504. Thank you so much for coming out tonight
  5505. to have a good time. Thank you.
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