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- >Okay!
- >Today’s the day!
- >You’ve got one objective:
- >Seduce Twilight Sparkle.
- >The purple unicorn has been on your mind ever since you arrived in Equestria.
- >It’s taken you so long, but you’ve finally built up the courage to ask her on a date.
- >You get up out of bed, full of energy and enthusiasm!
- >You leap to your bathroom and start your morning routine!
- >Shit, sha-
- >*KNOCK* *KNOCK*
- >What the...
- >Already?
- >But you haven’t even gotten a chance to have a shower yet!
- >You put down your razor.
- >It makes a whining noise as you put it down.
- >It didn’t get to make sweet love to your facial follicles today.
- “I know, Slasher. Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of work to do tomorrow.”
- >You stomp downstairs to see who it is that has interrupted your day.
- >You fling the door open to reveal...
- >3 guesses.
- >...
- >No, it’s not Cadence.
- >Nor is it Twilight. That would make this too easy.
- >...
- >No, it’s not Doctor Whooves!
- >It’s Fucking Fluttershy!
- “What is it, you yellow wretch?”
- >”Mmpf mmf!”
- >Fluttershy is lying on your doorstep, gagged and bound in the most unusual fashion.
- >Her legs have been tied underneath her, and she has a couple of plugs shoved into her mouth and...
- >Yeah, her yellow butthole.
- >You shudder at the sight.
- >A note attached to her side catches your attention.
- >Before you can read it, a white unicorn with squiggly purple hair waves to you from your front gate.
- >”I hope you enjoy it, Anon! She had me make that for her especially. Ta-ta!” Rarity calls.
- “N-no! Wait!”
- >Dammit, she’s out of earshot.
- >You need to talk to her today to get your new clothes...
- >Damn.
- >Now what does Flutternutter want with this note.
- >You stare at the piece of paper with your bleary, sleepy eyes.
- >”O-oh, Anon...” It begins.
- >Great, she stutters in text as well.
- >”I w-was wondering if using me like a bag was your fetish. You can pick me up by the plugs inside me. Feel free to stick whatever you want in m-m-my v-v-vagoo!”
- >You crumple the note up in disdain.
- >Upon closer inspection, the plugs inside Fluttershy seem to be connected by a strap of durable material.
- >Just for the sake of it, you heft her up by the strap to get a feel of how heavy she is.
- >”MMMMMPF!”
- >The plugs tug and stretch Fluttershy out, but they hold.
- >You look closer, and it seems like there is some kind of lock on each end.
- >A timer indicates that Fluttershy is trapped in this state for the next 20 hours.
- >Damn, she’s dedicated.
- >She’s really quite light.
- >You jiggle her by the strap, and she squeals in a mixture of delight and slight pain.
- >Well, actually, this could be one of Flutters’ more useful attempts.
- >You can’t exactly leave her alone today in this state.
- >You pick her up and sling the strap over your shoulder.
- >OBTAINED: FLUTTERMESSENGER BAG!
- >What?
- >Who the heck said that?
- >Ugh. Whatever.
- >You head back inside, but stop dead in your tracks when you see the clock on the wall.
- >Shit! You’re late!
- >All that messing about with Fluttershy has thrown you off schedule!
- >You need to get into town, now!
- >Still in your unwashed, unkempt, bearded state, you rush off down the road towards town.
- >Fluttershy jostles alongside you, squeaking and squealing in ecstasy as each stride makes her squirm in delight.
- >You take no notice though.
- >You only have eyes for a purple unicorn today!
- >You’re about halfway down the road when all of a sudden a blue blur swoops into your vision.
- >”Hey, Anon! Whatcha doin’?”
- “Hey... Dash... Can’t talk! Gotta go fast!”
- >Dash simply flies alongside you effortlessly as you sprint towards Ponyville.
- >”Yeah... Yeah... Cool. I love to go fast. You know me!”
- >She takes a look at your Flutterbag.
- >”Oh, hey! Awesome! That looks totally cool! Oh, wait... That’s actually Fluttershy? Oh my gosh, that’s even cooler! Hey, can I try?”
- >Suddenly a weight on your back throws you off balance.
- >OBTAINED: RAINBOW BAG!
- “What? Hey! Get off!”
- >”No! I’m in your inventory now, and it’s really cool! You’re really comfortable, you know!”
- >Rainbow Dash has hooked her forelegs over your shoulders and her hind legs underneath them.
- >Her blue belly rests against your back.
- >Her head rests over one of your shoulders.
- >She has made herself into some kind of fuzzy backpack.
- >Her tail tickles your knees.
- “Arrgh! I never asked for this!”
- >You shake yourself to try and dislodge her.
- >She holds on tight.
- >”Haha! It takes a lot more to unequip me! You’re not getting rid of me that easy!”
- >Great. Now you’re stuck with her.
- >Well, just like Fluttershy, she’s not that heavy.
- >Looks like you’re just going to have to deal with it.
- “Fine. You can stay. But don’t bother me, ok?”
- >”You got it, bro! Hey, where are we going, anyway? Into town? Oh, can we go see Pinkie?! I want to tell her all about how cool this is!”
- >You groan.
- >This is going to be a long day.
- “I’m telling you, Rarity! It’s not going to fit!”
- >”Darling, anything is possible with the power of love!”
- “Well I don’t love it!”
- >”You don’t love it ENOUGH, darling. Let’s try again!”
- >You bend over once more, allowing Rarity access to your body.
- >Her horn lights up and she works her magic.
- >You grunt and wince and grit your teeth as your body contorts to her whims.
- >Rainbow Dash giggles.
- >Once again, you and Rarity sigh in defeat.
- >”This would be a lot easier if Rainbow Dash just got out of the way...”
- >”No! My human! You just want to take his back slot!”
- “Seriously, Rainbow. Get off!”
- >”No! She’ll take my comfy spot!”
- >”Darling, I promise I won’t latch onto him like a limpet. It is unbecoming of a lady. Either way, I’d rather take the waist slot.”
- >Rarity licks her lips in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- >And that’s no gooooooooood.
- >”F-fine. But put me back right away, Anon!”
- >Rainbow’s death grip on your shoulders finally relents.
- >She slumps to the ground, sulking the entire way down.
- >”There! Now we can get your shirt on, Anon!”
- >Finally!
- “Right. Take it away, Rar!”
- >Rarity’s horn lights up, and she floats over a piece of sky blue material.
- >She stretches it over your head and your arms fit through the short sleeves on the side of the shirt.
- >”There. Done! Doesn’t it look marvellous?”
- >You turn around on the podium in Rarity’s boutique.
- >Three mirrors all reflect a hideous image back at you.
- >You’re now dressed in a tiny T-shirt that only comes down to the bottom of your ribcage.
- >It’s way too small for you.
- >Printed on the front is the picture of a pony that looks a lot like Rainbow Dash, albeit quite badly drawn and malformed.
- >The text alongside it indicates that she, and by extension you, are 20% cooler.
- >You’re stunned.
- >”I saw how much the fillies and colts love Dash, and I just thought you’d be the talk of the town with this little number! It even shows off your midriff!”
- >You turn once more to face Rarity.
- >Your best WTF face is on full display.
- >You’re about to tear the fashion disaster to shreds, but suddenly Rainbow Dash clings to your back once more.
- >”MINE!”
- “What, no! Get off! I need to burn this thing!”
- >”No way! It’s super cool! I love it!”
- >”Indeed, darling. I can assure you that it is fashionable and will be for the next 5 hours. So long as you wear it, you won’t have to pay me for it.”
- >You groan.
- “Can I at least get my jacket back?”
- >”And cover up my hard work? I don’t think so.”
- >You sigh.
- “Fine. Let’s get going.”
- >You step down to the podium and walk to the door.
- >You pick up Fluttershy, who was hanging on a hook next to the door.
- >She squeaks and drips a bit onto the floor.
- >You look awful right now.
- >Your stomach grumbles.
- >”Oh, hey! Anon! That reminds me! We’ve gotta go see Pinkie! We’ve just gotta!”
- >Normally you don’t wear apparel that talks to you.
- >But it seems today is anything but normal.
- “Fine. But I still need to go see Twilight!”
- >”Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”
- >You carry the two pegasi towards Sugarcube Corner.
- >As you cross the square that separates the boutique from the bakery, you’re stopped by a gaggle of odd looking ponies.
- >You recognise these guys.
- >They’re all wearing white unitards and chanting.
- >You’ve come across them before.
- >”The marker must be in my hole... The marker must be in my hole...”
- >They’re some weird cult that has decided to start worshipping you.
- >Rapeotologists or something.
- >They want your marker.
- >The marker is your penis.
- “Fuck you, and fuck your marker!”
- >”Yes, exactly...”
- >All of a sudden, the ponies swarm your legs.
- >Like a group of sex-crazed piranhas they nip and bite at your trousers.
- >You flail your limbs to try and disrupt the constantly moving torrent of ponies that swirl around and through your legs.
- >The ponies are too small, too numerous and too fast for you to land any blows, so you do the only other thing you can.
- >You run.
- >Rainbow Dash laughs as you lurch towards Sugarcube Corner.
- >Eventually you escape the maelstrom of public >rape that was chasing you and barricade yourself in the bakery.
- >You pant to get your breath back.
- >”Ahahaha! You’re totally out of shape, Anon!”
- “Fuck... You... Rainbow Dash...”
- >You look down to see that the crazy ponies completely destroyed your trousers.
- >You’ll need to get back to Rarity’s to get a new pair!
- >But you can’t get there now. They’re still out there!
- >Your pulse is starting to slow down, but is suddenly raised sky high by the sudden appearance of a pink puffball in your vision.
- >”Ohayōgozaimasu, Anon-kun!”
- >Holy fuck that scared the shit out of you.
- >Pinkie Pie just popped up in front of you, wearing a kimono and brandishing a plate of something in your face.
- >To be fair, you should have been expecting this.
- >It’s Pinkie Pie, after all.
- “Ohio gesundheit to you too, Pinkie-poon.”
- >Pinkie giggles.
- >”Silly Nonny! That’s not how you speak in Japaneighs!”
- >Oh, she’s being Japanese today.
- >That would explain the oriental decor that adorns every inch of Sugarcube Corner.
- >Hanging lanterns...
- >Suits of samurai armour...
- >Slime orgy in the corner...
- >It’s so authentic!
- “Wow, Pinkie... You put a lot of effort into this. I guess you’re a big Japanophile, huh?”
- >”I’ll have you know I was acquitted of all charges of that, and I regularly babysit the Cakes’ kids nowadays.”
- “What?”
- >”Oh, nothing. Hey, would you like to join in with the festivities?”
- “Uh-“
- >Before you really have a chance to answer, Pinkie Pie shoves some food in your mouth.
- >Again, this is normal behaviour for Pinkie Pie.
- >You bite into what seems to be a paste filled pastry.
- >You immediately spit it out when you get to the filling.
- >It’s grass flavoured.
- “Blech! That’s awful, Pinkie! You know I can’t eat grass!”
- >”Oh, sorry, Anon... I forgot. Hey, take these instead!”
- >Pinkie pulls out a couple of wooden objects from... You know, you don’t even want to speculate where she pulled them out from.
- >She hands them to you.
- “What are these, Pinkie?”
- >”They’re super cool thingies for your feet! I can’t remember what they’re called... But they’re all the rage right now!”
- >You look at the wooden sandal-type objects.
- >Oh yeah, you recognise these now.
- >They’re old style japanese shoes.
- >You’ve seen them in a couple of animes.
- >What, you can’t enjoy some Samurai Champloo once in a while?
- “Uh, thanks, Pinks. I’m not sure they’re really my style though...”
- >”Wear them for me, Nonny?”
- >Pinkie bats her eyelids and looks up at you with big puppy dog eyes.
- >Don’t give in!
- “Uh, I just don’t think...”
- >”WEAR THEM!”
- >Gone is the pleading look, instead replaced by an insistent frown.
- >It’s much more convincing than her begging form.
- >Talk about bipolar!
- >You put the damn sandals on.
- >They have a -1 AGI stat on them.
- >Goddamn! How does anybody walk in these things?
- >As soon as Pinkie sees you wobbling in the wooden footwear, her frown turns upside down.
- >”Yay! Thank you, Nonny! As soon as ponies see you in that super cool getup, they’ll be flocking to the store to see where you got your gear from! I really appreciate it!”
- “Uh... Anything to help a friend...?”
- >Pinkie’s grin stretches from ear to ear.
- >You’re not sure that’s supposed to be physically possible.
- >Again, this is normal behaviour for Pinkie Pie.
- >”That makes me so happy to hear, Nonny! Now you go have a really good day with your ponybags, ok?”
- “Okay. Thanks, Pinkie.”
- >You turn to leave, when Rainbow Dash finally faces Pinkie Pie.
- >”Heya, Pinks!”
- >”Oh my gosh! You got one of those talking Rainbow Dash bags! That’s so cool!”
- >”I’m not a bag, Pinkie! It’s me, the real Rainbow Dash! I’m just equipped in Anon’s back slot!”
- >And here comes the gushing.
- >”Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshwhatdoesitfeellikeitmustbesocoolblahblahblah...”
- >You tune the two rapidly talking ponies out.
- >Now that you’re facing the door, you look out on the square.
- >The rape cult has moved on for now; you can’t see them anywhere.
- >Finally!
- >You need to get moving now.
- >Twilight’s housebrary is just on the other side of the fountain in the square!
- >You need to cut Dash’s conversation short.
- >”...and he’s so warm and comfortable! You’ve gotta try this some time!”
- >”Oh wow! That sounds like so much fun! Have you let him use your special ability yet?”
- >”No, not yet. I don’t think he even knows that he gets stat bonuses from me.”
- “Sorry, ladies. Gotta go!”
- >You fling open the door and take the opportunity to start running across the square.
- >You manage to get a quarter of the way when the -1 AGI stat causes you to stumble and fall.
- >Fluttershy slips off your shoulder and goes bouncing away, squeaking the entire time.
- >Bugger.
- >”Y’all alright, sugarcube?”
- >You’d recognise that southern accent anywhere.
- “I think so, AJ.”
- >Applejack reaches out a hoof to help you get up.
- >You accept her gracious offer.
- >”Now where’re you goin’ in such a hurry?”
- “Today’s the day I ask Twilight out on a date, you say proudly.”
- >”Well golly! It’s about time! I know you’ve had yer eyes on her for a while now!”
- >You bashfully rub the back of your neck.
- “Heh, yeah... I do a pretty poor job of hiding it, don’t I?”
- >”You can sure say that again! I’m surprised you haven’t had somepony’s eye out with that thing yet. Y’all are dangerous, walkin’ around at pony head height.”
- >Okay, she may have a point.
- >More than once you’ve gotten an eyeful of purple pony plot and have thought about rutting it 6 ways to Sunday.
- >But you can’t help it!
- >She must have put a spell on it, because damn...
- >You’re bewitched.
- >Thankfully the conversation is broken by your stomach growling again.
- >This is what happens when you skip breakfast.
- >”Don’t tell me y’all are goin’ around on an empty stomach, Anon?”
- “I didn’t quite have a chance to have breakfast, so...”
- >Applejack’s eyes sparkle with what could only be described as a mixture of opportunity, desire and excitement.
- >”Well you stumbled in front of the right apple pony today, sugarcube! Let me fix ya right up!”
- >Applejack kicks a hind leg out at the cart behind her.
- >It unfolds automatically to reveal a veritable cornucopia of baked apple goods.
- >”Now open wide, Anon! Ya gotta eat up everythin’ to grow big an’ strong!”
- >Applejack advances on you menacingly with a slice of apple pie.
- >You don’t know if you like where this is going...
- >15 minutes later, you definitely didn’t like where that went.
- >Applejack’s cart is devoid of all apples.
- >”There y’go, Anon! Still feelin’ hungry?”
- >You weren’t after the first slice of apple pie.
- >But she just kept on cramming more and more apples down your throat.
- >You told her you couldn’t eat all those apples.
- >She took that as a challenge.
- “Uuuugh... My stomach feels like it’s going to explode...”
- >”Good! That’s a sign of a good home cooked apple meal. Mac eats twice that for his breakfast!”
- >That’s because he’s a fucking horse, you stupid bint!
- >You don’t say that out loud.
- >You struggle to stand up.
- >Your belly now hangs over your pants.
- >You have a food baby.
- >Rainbow Dash laughs.
- >She always laughs.
- >”Well, I’d better get goin’! Gotta go get more apples!”
- >Applejack canters off into the distance, leaving you to deal with your distended belly.
- >Rainbow Dash stops her mocking to whisper something into your ear.
- >”You know her fetish is feeding, right?”
- >Shit, that explains a lot.
- >You’ve got to remember never to be hungry around her ever again.
- >You set off at a sluggish pace towards Twilight’s library.
- >You’re so close now.
- >”Hey, brochacho! Whoa... That’s a mondo tubular look you got there!”
- >Oh no.
- >Not here.
- >Not now.
- >You wearily look to your right to see a cream fuzzball staring at you.
- >”Hey, Anon! How’s it hanging?”
- >Shit, what was this one’s name again?
- >All these alpacas look the same!
- >That’s not supposed to be racist, either.
- “Uh... not so great...”
- >”Cool. Awesome. Hey, I got that thing you requested!”
- >Oh shit, now you remember.
- >You ordered something special ages ago from one of these guys.
- >Of all the days to finally get it done, they had to pick today.
- >The alpaca starts to turn in place.
- “N-no! Ricardo! Stop!”
- >He stops dead in his tracks and cranes his neck to face you.
- >”What’s up, bro?”
- “Uh... Now’s not the best time. Maybe we could do this somewhere... not in public?”
- >Rainbow Dash is peering over your shoulder with obvious intrigue.
- >”No way! Cough it up, bro! I wanna see this!”
- >”You got it, talking backpack!”
- >The alpaca coughs into his hoof.
- >He produces a mare fleshlight.
- >It’s pink.
- “Arrgh! Ricardo, no! I asked for a purple one!”
- >”You... You got a replica of Twilight’s... BLEEEEEEEEEEEEGH!”
- >Rainbow Dash throws up all over your head.
- “Ah, shit! Dash! What the hell?”
- >”That’s fucking disgusting, Anon! How could you... BLEEEEEEEEEGH!”
- >Dash pukes again.
- >It’s rainbow coloured.
- “Ricardo, get rid of that thing!”
- >”Oh, okay. I’ll just shove it in your bag for later.”
- >Ricardo trots over to your Flutterbag and shoves the pink fleshlight into her vagina.
- >It enters her effortlessly, since she’s so well lubricated.
- >”There you go, man. Take care!”
- >Ricardo wanders off.
- >His fuzzy fringe causes him to trot straight into a lamppost.
- >How do those creatures even function?!
- >”Sorry about that, Anon...”
- “It’s fine, Dash...”
- >How are you going to clean yourself up?
- >”Oh, hey, Anon! I have a great idea! Put down Fluttershy for a second!”
- >You comply.
- >Rainbow spreads her wings.
- >ACTIVATING SPECIAL ABILITY: FLY
- >Wut?
- >Suddenly you take off like a rocket into the blue sky.
- >You take this sudden turn of events like a real man.
- >Kicking and screaming all the way like a little girl.
- >Rainbow Dash takes you looping through the air, crashing through as many clouds as she can.
- >You see her plan now.
- >She’s trying to wash off her rainbow puke.
- >After she smashes through about 10 clouds, knocking off a few pegasi along the way, she sets you down in front of the library again.
- >”There you go, Anon! Good as new!”
- >You take a look at your hair.
- >It’s still rainbow coloured, but the stains are gone from your clothes.
- >In fact, you’re mostly dry except for the parts that were covered by your limbs.
- >So you’ve got two great big damp patches underneath your armpits.
- >Wonderful.
- >You look around for your Flutterbag.
- >Ah, there she is.
- >She’s squeaking and squealing as a stallion is sniffing her rear.
- “Hey, go on! Get!”
- >You shoo him away and heft Fluttershy onto your shoulder again.
- >She sighs in relief as she relishes the security you give her.
- >Right, well...
- >It seems like it’s time.
- >You’re going to ask Twilight Sparkle out on a date.
- >Take a deep breath...
- >You can do this.
- >You knock on the library door.
- >Twilight herself answers it.
- “Uh... Hi Twilight, I...”
- >”AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU’RE ONE OF THEM! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!”
- >She slams the door in your face.
- >Well that went a lot worse than you anticipated.
- >What the hell went wrong?
- >You look at yourself.
- >You’re wearing a Rainbow Dash shirt.
- >A Rainbow Dash bag.
- >A Fluttershy bag.
- >No trousers, just boxers.
- >Weeabooish footwear.
- >Your hair has been dyed rainbow colours.
- >You have a large belly and a neckbeard.
- >You smell because you didn’t have a shower today.
- >You have become that which you hate.
- >A brony.
- “NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
- >All chances of winning Twilight Sparkle have disappeared.
- >All that remains is to head back home.
- >You load up your magical computer and head to /mlp/.
- >You find a spaghetti thread.
- >You descend into the deepest depths of faggotry to reflect your current look.
- “omg gurlz just don’t appreciate nice guys, right /mlp/?”
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