Destination Wedding (2018)

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Subtitles by explosiveskull

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<i>Why wouldn't we
bring up the first amendment?</i>

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<i>We have to stick to the constitution.
That is what made this country.</i>

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Don't die.

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Come on, photosynthesis.

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- That's a nice dress.
- Oh. Thank you.

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- I like your jacket.
- Thanks.

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00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:26,165
- I hope our flight's on time.
- Oh, it is. See?

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This airline has an excellent
arrival-departure record.

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Um, I Googled it.

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And, um, it has a 98...

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No 96,
no 98 percent approval...

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online user
approval rating.

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Which is very incredibly
high, obviously.

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Um, and Rancho Cucamonga
Mary sent me three,

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who I trust implicitly,
was very effusive about it.

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- Yeah.
- And you get a snack.

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Great.

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- I'm sorry, what was that?
- What?

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You just took
a step forward there.

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- I didn't.
- Yeah, you did. You know you did.

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- I didn't realize.
- Oh, I see.

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I beg your pardon?

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- I s-see what you did. I know what you did. It's...
- What did I do?

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You came up alongside me, you know, with
your jacket and your face and charm,

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and you just, you know, talked to
me for a strategic amount of time,

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established your position,

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and then just casually, blatantly
stepped in front of me.

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Like I had
some sort of amnesia

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and couldn't remember 15 seconds in
the past when you were behind me.

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Untrue.

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Oh my... You just
did it again.

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This is like watching a
master at work in his dojo.

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- I mean...
- Here's what happened.

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I came to my gate, hoping
my flight was on time.

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I then attempted to start
a pleasant conversation,

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whereupon you revealed the tip of
the iceberg of your tendencies,

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and I was forced to take a step
forward to escape the vortex.

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Oh, my God.
Oh... Again! Oh!

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And now you're casting me as the author
of a Byzantine conspiracy theory

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of a Machiavellian land grab

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designed to usurp your position on
an aircraft that has eight seats.

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You know what? Okay.

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That's cra... If I'm wrong, just step in
back of me instead of in front of me.

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No, because that would mean
going past you again.

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I see. You know what?

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Five years ago, I would have said
something trite like, "Chivalry is dead."

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But this is worse
than unchivalrous.

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This is... You are
part and parcel of a world

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that no longer has any
idea how to behave itself.

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In fact, I draw a straight
line between people like you

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to investment bankers to
politicians to terrorists.

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You basically all have the same contempt
for decency and rules and any manners.

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And what's funny is there's
no way you can board first

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because the only way you could board
first is if you had a special need.

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Do you have
a special need?

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Yes, I need
to be over there.

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Fucker.

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- Fantastic.
- Wonderful.

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- Anybody want to trade seats?
- You're ridiculous.

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Anybody?
It's great back here.

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You've got
to be kidding me.

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Jesus.

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What brings you
to San Luis Obispo?

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- You don't have to.
- What?

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Talk. Honestly, I'd be
happier if you didn't.

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Fine.

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Dear God.
Tear it at the notch.

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There is no notch.

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- Give it to me.
- I'm not giving you...

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Give it to me.

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This one does not appear
to have a working notch.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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All that...

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Thank you.

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I'm actually
going to Paso Robles.

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They call it Paso "Roables."

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Well, the correct
pronunciation is Robles.

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But they call it "Roables."

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- Whatever.
- I hope it's a big place.

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It isn't.

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If I see you at a restaurant,
I'll go to another restaurant.

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I'm not going to be
in any restaurants.

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Why? Are you checking
into a mental institution?

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I'm going to that most presumptuous
of all things, a destination wedding.

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Please don't tell me
it's Keith and Anne's.

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How many weddings
can there possibly be

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on any given day
in Paso Robles?

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I was praying for two.

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And I was blaming Satan
for my seat assignment

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when it was actually
just Keith's assistant.

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And how do you know
the esteemed Keith?

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I was engaged to him
six years ago.

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- Oh, my God, you're Lindsay.
- Why, how do you know him?

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He and I have
the same mother.

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Holy shit,
you're Frank?

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Oh, you're even worse
than he said.

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You too.

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Oh, my God.

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Serious...

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- There was supposed to be a car.
- Our flight was early.

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Really?
It seemed so long.

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<i>Attention, passengers,
increased security measures</i>

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<i>require all passengers
to maintain</i>

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<i>close personal contact
with your bags at all times.</i>

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So how much do you know about what
happened between me and Keith?

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I know that he broke off your engagement
five weeks before the wedding.

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And now I know why.

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He said some shit
about you, boy.

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- Like what?
- Doesn't matter.

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Don't do that, don't dangle an injurious
tidbit and then snatch it away.

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Or what, I'll die alone?

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Keith is a panhandling
piece of garbage,

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and you're better off
without him.

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Which is saying something,
considering how bad off you are.

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Just pity the bride,
whoever she is.

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- You haven't met her?
- Just like I never met you.

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I stay as far away
from Keith as I can.

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My mother insisted I turn up for this shit show,
otherwise, I wouldn't be meeting you now.

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Isn't that nice
to think about?

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She said it's important to show
up because if you show up,

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the worst they can say is you're
horrendous, which is subjective.

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But not showing up
is objective.

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Well, you showed up.

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00:10:29,001 --> 00:10:30,665
Why would you come
to his wedding?

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He broke your heart,
as I recall.

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Shattered, yes.

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00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,798
Didn't you wind up
suing him?

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00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,965
Well, I needed to lash out.

131
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Plus he cost my parents
$32,000 in deposits.

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- Did you win?
- There was a settlement.

133
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:44,899
Did you feel better?

134
00:10:44,901 --> 00:10:47,999
Look, I came
because he invited me.

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00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:50,798
He only invited you because he
wanted to act like a big person,

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not because he, in any way,
wanted you to come.

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00:10:53,834 --> 00:10:58,732
You think I wanted to come? I'm
just trying to be the big person.

138
00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:01,867
See, this only works if one of
you actually is a big person.

139
00:11:03,001 --> 00:11:05,698
Well, also, I need closure.

140
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:08,698
You don't have closure?
It was six years ago.

141
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:11,665
Do I strike you as someone
who has closure?

142
00:11:11,667 --> 00:11:14,064
He's marrying someone else.
That's closure.

143
00:11:14,066 --> 00:11:15,498
It's closed.

144
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:18,665
Closed is not
the same thing as closure.

145
00:11:28,867 --> 00:11:30,734
Any chance
they sent two cars?

146
00:12:00,734 --> 00:12:02,732
So, what do you do, Frank?

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00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:06,064
That is, when you're not shining
your light upon the world.

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00:12:06,066 --> 00:12:08,498
I run marketing
for J.D. Power and Associates.

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00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:10,199
The "Car of the Year" people?

150
00:12:10,201 --> 00:12:11,998
No, that's a magazine.

151
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,165
I bought one of your cars of the year.
It was a piece of crap.

152
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,632
Again, a magazine.
Common error.

153
00:12:16,634 --> 00:12:18,199
Is that the career
you dreamed of?

154
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Handing out awards
by the fistful?

155
00:12:20,867 --> 00:12:23,798
Hugely successful company,
extremely well-respected.

156
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:27,498
It's corporate brownnosing
on a national scale.

157
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,765
International.
And don't sleep on awards.

158
00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:31,832
Our country lives
on self-congratulation.

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00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:32,964
Let me ask you this.

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00:12:32,966 --> 00:12:34,832
Has there ever been a car

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00:12:34,834 --> 00:12:37,798
that wasn't a J.D. Power
and Associates Car of the Year?

162
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,165
We don't do "Car of the
Year." That's a magazine.

163
00:12:40,167 --> 00:12:41,998
I've seen those
Lucite trophies.

164
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,767
They're on every car commercial
for every car, ever.

165
00:12:48,867 --> 00:12:51,232
What do you do anyway?

166
00:12:51,234 --> 00:12:54,232
I prosecute companies
and institutions

167
00:12:54,234 --> 00:12:56,867
for culturally insensitive
actions or speech.

168
00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:01,132
You're the politically
correct police.

169
00:13:01,134 --> 00:13:02,798
No.

170
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,998
You parse what people say and
do, and then accuse them

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00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,531
of being racist or misogynist
or otherwise horrible.

172
00:13:08,533 --> 00:13:10,665
You destroy lives
and reputations for money.

173
00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:12,465
No.

174
00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:14,867
Is that what you dreamed of?
A career in reverse fascism?

175
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I can't remember dreaming.

176
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Wrong!

177
00:14:57,034 --> 00:14:59,101
I thought this was my closet.

178
00:15:01,866 --> 00:15:03,734
Are you expecting
a response of some kind?

179
00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:06,565
No.

180
00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:10,565
Uh, I see now that there
is a bolt on the door.

181
00:15:10,567 --> 00:15:12,465
So, we should use it.

182
00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:13,767
Yep.

183
00:15:59,733 --> 00:16:02,165
- How's your room?
- I'm just sleeping there.

184
00:16:02,167 --> 00:16:03,831
How's yours?

185
00:16:03,833 --> 00:16:06,531
I'll let you know after I run
a UV light over the sheets.

186
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:08,132
We really shouldn't
speak anymore.

187
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,831
If you think that's best.

188
00:16:09,833 --> 00:16:11,665
Do you think Keith
is trying to fix us up?

189
00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:12,932
Even he is smarter
than that.

190
00:16:12,934 --> 00:16:15,999
I don't know.
I mean, same flight.

191
00:16:16,001 --> 00:16:18,132
Seated next to each other
on the plane.

192
00:16:18,134 --> 00:16:20,632
Adjoining rooms.
Seated next to each other here.

193
00:16:20,634 --> 00:16:22,999
You think that's
all just coincidence?

194
00:16:23,001 --> 00:16:26,465
Keith has never had a thought
about another human being.

195
00:16:26,467 --> 00:16:29,665
So we're just the people
you don't know where to stick?

196
00:16:29,667 --> 00:16:31,764
Might as well
just stick us together.

197
00:16:31,766 --> 00:16:34,065
I don't want to be a person
you don't know where to stick.

198
00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:36,797
That is not the life
I imagined for myself.

199
00:16:36,799 --> 00:16:39,999
I'm sure your next life
will be better.

200
00:16:40,001 --> 00:16:43,831
Welp, here we go.

201
00:16:43,833 --> 00:16:44,899
So that's her.

202
00:16:44,901 --> 00:16:46,467
Yep.

203
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,032
She is a tall glass
of hemlock.

204
00:16:50,034 --> 00:16:51,965
- She's Danish.
- Dutch, I thought.

205
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,465
Danish.
From Denmark.

206
00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:55,199
I know where
Danish are from.

207
00:16:55,201 --> 00:16:56,965
He looks the same
as he used to.

208
00:16:56,967 --> 00:16:58,598
Plastic people don't age.

209
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,165
Well, I was hoping he had.

210
00:17:00,167 --> 00:17:05,032
I was hoping he'd be less attractive
or on his way to obesity.

211
00:17:05,034 --> 00:17:07,867
Is this the first time you've seen
him since the crushing ending?

212
00:17:09,234 --> 00:17:10,899
- Is it bad?
- Yep.

213
00:17:10,901 --> 00:17:13,134
- As bad as you feared?
- Yeah. Worse.

214
00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:20,132
- How can this be the way the species is set up?
- I'm sorry?

215
00:17:20,134 --> 00:17:23,232
How can we be allowed
to feel so much for people

216
00:17:23,234 --> 00:17:25,664
who don't feel
anything for us?

217
00:17:25,666 --> 00:17:28,632
You're assuming that you're
normal, which is hilarious.

218
00:17:28,634 --> 00:17:31,797
- It's incredibly cruel.
- Well, look at it this way.

219
00:17:31,799 --> 00:17:35,065
For a time, you carved out a place in his life
when there really shouldn't have been one.

220
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:36,731
That makes me a dipshit.

221
00:17:36,733 --> 00:17:39,032
I agree.
I was just humoring you.

222
00:17:39,034 --> 00:17:40,832
The truth is,
from puberty on in,

223
00:17:40,834 --> 00:17:43,132
we should all just
be playing defense.

224
00:17:43,134 --> 00:17:45,633
- "On in"? On in to what?
- Death.

225
00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:49,165
- Oh, God.
- Officer on deck.

226
00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:51,565
- So you got to know Mom.
- Plenty well enough.

227
00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:52,797
So you met her twice.

228
00:17:54,967 --> 00:17:56,598
Howard.

229
00:17:56,600 --> 00:18:00,232
- Oh, this fucking guy.
- Who's he with?

230
00:18:00,234 --> 00:18:01,598
His girlfriend.

231
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,232
Howard left your mother?

232
00:18:03,234 --> 00:18:06,199
"Left" is not
a strong enough word. Fled.

233
00:18:06,201 --> 00:18:08,932
- For an older woman?
- He would have left for an otter.

234
00:18:08,934 --> 00:18:12,132
- Anyway, leaving is leaving.
- No, no.

235
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:15,697
Leaving for a younger woman
is awful, it's horrible.

236
00:18:15,699 --> 00:18:19,498
But leaving for an older
woman is perverse.

237
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:21,731
Mom would have been just
as angry about a younger one.

238
00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:24,065
Yeah, but she would've
been able to use her age

239
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:26,999
to rail against
a gender-unfair society.

240
00:18:27,001 --> 00:18:29,999
I mean, leaving for a younger
woman's the least he could've done.

241
00:18:30,001 --> 00:18:31,999
My father left her
for a younger woman.

242
00:18:32,001 --> 00:18:34,631
She can think about that,
when she wants to cheer up.

243
00:18:34,633 --> 00:18:38,032
But she and your father eventually
made peace though, didn't they?

244
00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,199
Yep. Dad jumped out
a seventh-floor window,

245
00:18:40,201 --> 00:18:42,099
and Mom considered them
all square.

246
00:18:42,101 --> 00:18:43,832
- I'm sorry?
- Don't be.

247
00:18:43,834 --> 00:18:45,597
I was not a fan.

248
00:18:45,599 --> 00:18:48,199
Well, you're not a fan of
many people, is my sense.

249
00:18:48,201 --> 00:18:49,999
Well, this person
shot me, so...

250
00:18:50,001 --> 00:18:52,232
- He shot you?
- He did.

251
00:18:52,234 --> 00:18:55,765
He said I was the embodiment
of all his bad choices.

252
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:58,165
- Did it hurt?
- Did it hurt?

253
00:18:58,167 --> 00:18:59,932
Is that a serious question?

254
00:18:59,934 --> 00:19:01,832
There's a metal missile
going into your body.

255
00:19:01,834 --> 00:19:03,899
Yes, it hurt.
It hurt a great deal.

256
00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:05,865
Well, what did you do?

257
00:19:05,867 --> 00:19:06,965
I ran at him.

258
00:19:06,967 --> 00:19:08,832
You ran at him?

259
00:19:08,834 --> 00:19:10,498
Why didn't you
run away from him?

260
00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:12,664
That didn't occur to me.
I was pissed off.

261
00:19:12,666 --> 00:19:15,165
He tried to shoot me again,
but he missed.

262
00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:19,465
I got the gun out of his hand, hit him in
the face with it, broke his orbital bone.

263
00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:21,899
- What did he do?
- He cried.

264
00:19:21,901 --> 00:19:23,398
Begged me to kill him.
I wouldn't.

265
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,564
Not because I didn't want to, but because
I didn't want to fuck up my life.

266
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:29,032
I mean, any more
than it already was.

267
00:19:29,034 --> 00:19:30,697
Turned out I didn't
have to kill him though,

268
00:19:30,699 --> 00:19:33,132
because that night,
he jumped.

269
00:19:33,134 --> 00:19:35,697
It's quite a family.

270
00:19:35,699 --> 00:19:38,032
Nobody's arguing.

271
00:19:38,034 --> 00:19:42,032
You can't call a
78-year-old woman your "girlfriend."

272
00:19:42,034 --> 00:19:43,530
It's ridiculous.

273
00:19:43,532 --> 00:19:44,932
What should I call her then?

274
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:48,932
I don't know. An ossified,
pre-dead corpse-friend?

275
00:19:48,934 --> 00:19:51,232
Is that in the politically
correct handbook?

276
00:19:51,234 --> 00:19:53,232
I'm off the clock.

277
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:55,132
She just needs a little
more hair and makeup.

278
00:19:55,134 --> 00:19:57,932
I think we passed
a mortician on the way in.

279
00:19:57,934 --> 00:19:59,631
Travel with her
on your arm,

280
00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:02,165
you'd better know where the
funeral parlors are at all times.

281
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:05,465
And by "On your arm,"
you mean both figuratively

282
00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:08,032
and for actual
physical support.

283
00:20:08,034 --> 00:20:10,597
- I've never met her.
- Better hurry.

284
00:20:10,599 --> 00:20:13,132
I guess the heart wants
what the heart wants.

285
00:20:13,134 --> 00:20:15,732
Or whatever the
pacemaker says it can have.

286
00:20:15,734 --> 00:20:17,530
Apparently,
they went to the same college.

287
00:20:17,532 --> 00:20:19,698
She was a senior
when he was a freshman.

288
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:21,999
Well, she's a senior again.

289
00:20:23,934 --> 00:20:27,665
- Are you gonna say hello?
- Yep. Are you?

290
00:20:27,667 --> 00:20:29,999
Yep.

291
00:20:30,001 --> 00:20:31,832
Have a nice time.

292
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:44,032
- You okay?
- Nope. You?

293
00:21:44,034 --> 00:21:46,134
I'm all fucked up
and I always will be.

294
00:21:47,867 --> 00:21:52,867
You think anyone will notice
if I... go back to the hotel?

295
00:21:54,201 --> 00:21:55,201
Nope.

296
00:21:56,067 --> 00:21:57,067
Yeah.

297
00:21:58,566 --> 00:21:59,566
All right.

298
00:22:19,734 --> 00:22:22,632
Psst.

299
00:22:22,634 --> 00:22:27,034
I mean, not to throw
stones, but he has a lot going on.

300
00:22:28,466 --> 00:22:30,832
I mean... I mean, I know
I have mine,

301
00:22:30,834 --> 00:22:33,199
but my father
never <i>shot</i> me.

302
00:22:33,201 --> 00:22:36,798
I don't think he ever
even touched a gun.

303
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:41,032
I mean, there was that one time I
put those two boxes of Band-Aids

304
00:22:41,034 --> 00:22:45,965
on my doll and he,
like, barely patted me.

305
00:22:45,967 --> 00:22:48,698
Like, you couldn't
even call it a spanking.

306
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:53,899
It was like... He was
apologizing forever for it.

307
00:22:53,901 --> 00:22:55,134
And he still feels bad.

308
00:22:57,466 --> 00:23:00,565
I mean, seven floors.

309
00:23:00,567 --> 00:23:03,232
I wonder if there was more
floors he could of just gone up

310
00:23:03,234 --> 00:23:04,867
so he could die instantly.

311
00:23:05,901 --> 00:23:09,065
Not like...

312
00:23:09,067 --> 00:23:11,099
Can you die... How many...

313
00:23:11,101 --> 00:23:13,167
I don't know. I guess
it depends on the building.

314
00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:16,065
Very, very...

315
00:23:16,067 --> 00:23:19,134
Just psychologically,
it's just interesting, but...

316
00:23:23,001 --> 00:23:24,865
<i>You don't think.</i>

317
00:23:24,867 --> 00:23:28,565
<i>He stole from me, from his
employer, from Katherine March.</i>

318
00:23:28,567 --> 00:23:31,867
<i>My wife... I mean
my former wife is correct.</i>

319
00:23:33,134 --> 00:23:34,466
<i>I really can paint.</i>

320
00:23:36,934 --> 00:23:39,498
<i>My copies were so bad
I had to destroy them.</i>

321
00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:41,001
<i>For God's sake, he's lying.</i>

322
00:23:43,667 --> 00:23:45,901
Because he's left-handed,
you idiot.

323
00:23:47,533 --> 00:23:50,099
<i>He told me
Miss March painted them.</i>

324
00:23:50,101 --> 00:23:51,765
<i>In my expert opinion...</i>

325
00:24:04,234 --> 00:24:08,165
<i>He said he was going to fix
it when he left my place around 2:00 a.m.</i>

326
00:24:08,167 --> 00:24:11,232
<i>That's when I told him...</i>

327
00:24:11,234 --> 00:24:13,698
<i>So he
kills her with my ice pick.</i>

328
00:24:13,700 --> 00:24:16,531
<i>And I heard her say,
"'Hello, Johnnie' before she hung up."</i>

329
00:24:16,533 --> 00:24:18,065
<i>He was there all right.</i>

330
00:24:18,067 --> 00:24:19,698
<i>Well, what I don't understand</i>

331
00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:20,932
<i>is this talk
about her being an artist.</i>

332
00:24:20,934 --> 00:24:22,531
<i>I never saw her paint.</i>

333
00:24:22,533 --> 00:24:24,565
<i>That was one
of her peculiar traits.</i>

334
00:24:24,567 --> 00:24:26,500
<i>She never let anyone
see her paint.</i>

335
00:24:46,967 --> 00:24:51,198
I would not have guessed, Frank, that you
were a man who enjoyed a foot massage.

336
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:56,065
I'm not. When I saw the complimentary
chit in the wedding welcome basket,

337
00:24:56,067 --> 00:24:58,099
I thought, "I don't want that.

338
00:24:58,101 --> 00:25:00,165
I'm not comfortable with other
people touching my feet.

339
00:25:00,167 --> 00:25:02,565
I don't see why
it's necessary or good."

340
00:25:02,567 --> 00:25:04,598
Then why are you here?

341
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,032
Because it's a $30 value,
and throwing it away

342
00:25:07,034 --> 00:25:09,099
would have bothered me
even more than this does.

343
00:25:09,101 --> 00:25:10,498
So, you're cheap.

344
00:25:10,500 --> 00:25:11,965
Oh, I'm way worse
than cheap,

345
00:25:11,967 --> 00:25:14,498
especially when it comes to free shit...
I hoard free shit.

346
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:16,032
Especially
the gray-area free shit,

347
00:25:16,034 --> 00:25:19,165
like the nail files and disposable
slippers in the hotel room.

348
00:25:19,167 --> 00:25:20,832
"Gray area."

349
00:25:20,834 --> 00:25:22,832
I tell myself that they
want me to take it,

350
00:25:22,834 --> 00:25:24,531
that I'm intended
to take it.

351
00:25:24,533 --> 00:25:25,932
Do you take
the shoehorns?

352
00:25:25,934 --> 00:25:27,732
Not the long ones,
only the short ones.

353
00:25:27,734 --> 00:25:31,065
Well, that's not a gray area,
that's theft. You're a thief.

354
00:25:31,067 --> 00:25:34,531
Do you take the shampoo,
conditioner, and body wash?

355
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,865
I used to, but then one
leaked in my suitcase.

356
00:25:36,867 --> 00:25:39,531
Huh. What about the soaps?

357
00:25:39,533 --> 00:25:41,132
Not the round soaps
wrapped in paper.

358
00:25:41,134 --> 00:25:43,865
But the bigger ones,
in the boxes? Yes, I do.

359
00:25:43,867 --> 00:25:47,832
So, you're a minor person
with grubby hands.

360
00:25:47,834 --> 00:25:50,765
I don't understand how, even after
Keith did what he did to you,

361
00:25:50,767 --> 00:25:53,032
and even in the midst
of the shame of being here,

362
00:25:53,034 --> 00:25:55,531
you can possibly still
be mooning over him.

363
00:25:55,533 --> 00:25:57,032
That's because
you're a monkey

364
00:25:57,034 --> 00:25:59,531
who doesn't understand
the human condition.

365
00:25:59,533 --> 00:26:01,465
Having met you, I understand
why it's a condition.

366
00:26:01,467 --> 00:26:02,865
You don't stop
loving a person

367
00:26:02,867 --> 00:26:05,099
just because
they injure you.

368
00:26:05,101 --> 00:26:06,531
It helps.

369
00:26:06,533 --> 00:26:09,164
- Well, love is not rational.
- Clearly.

370
00:26:09,166 --> 00:26:10,999
But how could you
even like Keith?

371
00:26:11,001 --> 00:26:13,732
- I never said I liked him.
- Then how can you love him?

372
00:26:13,734 --> 00:26:15,732
Love has nothing
to do with like.

373
00:26:15,734 --> 00:26:19,065
- Healthy people would disagree.
- Healthy people are sick.

374
00:26:19,067 --> 00:26:22,531
Isn't there a part of you that just
wants to wish him well and move on?

375
00:26:22,533 --> 00:26:26,164
Mmm... Most of me wants him
to be found in an icy river.

376
00:26:26,166 --> 00:26:29,531
It makes no sense to want the
person you love to be dead.

377
00:26:29,533 --> 00:26:31,865
Because then you'd have no one
left to love except yourself.

378
00:26:31,867 --> 00:26:34,133
Which, in your case,
would be unrequited.

379
00:26:35,667 --> 00:26:39,198
- I really don't want him dead.
- Good.

380
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,465
I want him to have a long life, during
which he is miserable every single day

381
00:26:42,467 --> 00:26:44,932
before slowly
dying of regret.

382
00:26:44,934 --> 00:26:47,832
There are seven billion people
in the world.

383
00:26:47,834 --> 00:26:49,932
So when one of them
behaves badly toward you,

384
00:26:49,934 --> 00:26:52,865
he's actually doing you a great
favor because he's saving you time.

385
00:26:52,867 --> 00:26:55,231
He's telling you that
he's not worth your while.

386
00:26:55,233 --> 00:26:57,698
He's freeing you to say,
"Thank you for the information.

387
00:26:57,700 --> 00:27:05,164
I will now move on to
the 6,999,999,999 other people,

388
00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:07,999
some of whom
may have some value."

389
00:27:08,001 --> 00:27:09,732
And is that what
you've done, Frank?

390
00:27:09,734 --> 00:27:12,064
Just sifted,
calmly and sensibly,

391
00:27:12,066 --> 00:27:15,531
through the entire population,
searching for your soul mate?

392
00:27:15,533 --> 00:27:18,665
No, I have opted out, which
makes me uniquely qualified

393
00:27:18,667 --> 00:27:20,565
to observe and comment
on your situation.

394
00:27:20,567 --> 00:27:22,034
Oh, I am so lucky.

395
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,932
- It was a long time ago.
- Not an eternity.

396
00:27:25,934 --> 00:27:30,064
- You were both very young.
- Old enough to know right from wrong.

397
00:27:30,066 --> 00:27:32,465
Incidentally, I spoke
to the bride last night.

398
00:27:32,467 --> 00:27:35,565
Oh, she does not have the
sense God gave a toaster.

399
00:27:35,567 --> 00:27:38,832
She's a moron, and her breasts
were built on a medical bench.

400
00:27:38,834 --> 00:27:42,232
But she said to tell you that
she hopes you can be friends.

401
00:27:42,234 --> 00:27:43,899
You talked about me?

402
00:27:43,901 --> 00:27:45,565
She didn't give you
a lot of airtime.

403
00:27:45,567 --> 00:27:47,698
She has trouble
stringing sentences together.

404
00:27:47,700 --> 00:27:49,632
And she uses a lot
of personal pronouns,

405
00:27:49,634 --> 00:27:51,832
so you're not always quite sure
who she's talking about.

406
00:27:51,834 --> 00:27:53,698
Well done, Keith.

407
00:27:53,700 --> 00:27:57,732
But if it helps, she said
she's not threatened by you.

408
00:27:57,734 --> 00:28:00,698
Yes, that helps
tremendously.

409
00:28:00,700 --> 00:28:02,380
At least I think
she was talking about you.

410
00:28:03,767 --> 00:28:07,832
She said "her." I'm pretty
sure she meant you.

411
00:28:07,834 --> 00:28:11,665
- Wow. What do you care anyway?
- I don't.

412
00:28:11,667 --> 00:28:14,632
I'm just trying to amuse myself
and get to tomorrow.

413
00:28:14,634 --> 00:28:17,000
Do you care
about anything?

414
00:28:18,767 --> 00:28:21,000
How many times in your life
have you been in love?

415
00:28:22,166 --> 00:28:23,932
Once.

416
00:28:23,934 --> 00:28:25,467
What was it like?

417
00:28:42,834 --> 00:28:45,865
How does anybody drink wine
at 11:00 in the morning?

418
00:28:45,867 --> 00:28:47,598
It's a winery, Frank.

419
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:50,598
Haven't you ever given out a Car
of the Year award at 11:00?

420
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:52,000
I can still taste toothpaste.

421
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,732
- You were absolutely right.
- What did you say?

422
00:28:57,734 --> 00:29:00,598
A destination wedding
is presumptuous.

423
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:02,832
"Please drag your carcass
hundreds of miles

424
00:29:02,834 --> 00:29:05,064
to excessively celebrate
our happiness."

425
00:29:05,066 --> 00:29:07,632
Yeah. "Because our
wedding is so special,

426
00:29:07,634 --> 00:29:09,899
it needs to be
an epic imposition."

427
00:29:09,901 --> 00:29:13,531
"It's far too important to celebrate
in anybody's shit-ass hometown."

428
00:29:13,533 --> 00:29:17,531
"Or on one calendar day. So kindly
give up your entire weekend."

429
00:29:17,533 --> 00:29:20,565
"And spend a fuck-ton of your own
money, over and above the gift."

430
00:29:20,567 --> 00:29:22,665
I bet you loved
the minibar prices.

431
00:29:22,667 --> 00:29:24,000
It's like 80 cents
per cashew.

432
00:29:26,134 --> 00:29:27,832
What's hilarious
is that these two

433
00:29:27,834 --> 00:29:30,498
have no idea they're
in a fool's paradise.

434
00:29:30,500 --> 00:29:32,565
You really think that?

435
00:29:32,567 --> 00:29:35,732
I've spent most of my life dodging the
shrapnel from my mother's marriages,

436
00:29:35,734 --> 00:29:39,165
both of which started
with smiles as big as theirs.

437
00:29:39,167 --> 00:29:41,098
Some marriages work out.

438
00:29:41,100 --> 00:29:43,598
Yes, and some people
have six fingers.

439
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:45,598
So I'm guessing
you're single.

440
00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:47,732
I decided to learn
from my parents' mistakes.

441
00:29:47,734 --> 00:29:49,998
It's a form
of evolution.

442
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:53,732
Yeah, but you can't blame people for
believing their own lives will be different.

443
00:29:53,734 --> 00:29:57,498
Yes, I can.
It's incredibly egotistical.

444
00:29:57,500 --> 00:30:00,964
It might help you to consider the
idea that heartbreak is pointless,

445
00:30:00,966 --> 00:30:02,665
because if you had
wound up with the person,

446
00:30:02,667 --> 00:30:05,498
eventually, you would've
been miserable anyway.

447
00:30:05,500 --> 00:30:07,565
Actually that does help,
thank you.

448
00:30:07,567 --> 00:30:10,132
No problem.

449
00:30:10,134 --> 00:30:13,031
But don't you believe there's
someone for everyone?

450
00:30:13,033 --> 00:30:14,498
Close.

451
00:30:14,500 --> 00:30:17,000
I believe that there's
nobody for anyone.

452
00:30:34,167 --> 00:30:37,632
I wish your mother and Howard's
corpse-friend were playing.

453
00:30:37,634 --> 00:30:41,465
They could try and dislodge
each other's tunnel catheters.

454
00:30:41,467 --> 00:30:43,465
Have you talked
to the corpse-friend?

455
00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:47,165
Briefly. She's dull, and she
needs a week at depilatory camp.

456
00:30:47,167 --> 00:30:50,498
- Maybe she's rich.
- I sure hope so.

457
00:30:50,500 --> 00:30:51,600
Get her!

458
00:30:53,667 --> 00:30:55,632
Do you ever think
it's a crutch though,

459
00:30:55,634 --> 00:30:57,898
blaming your mother and
father for everything?

460
00:30:57,900 --> 00:30:59,665
When did crutches
get a bad name?

461
00:30:59,667 --> 00:31:01,232
When you have a broken leg,
you need a crutch.

462
00:31:01,234 --> 00:31:03,765
In fact, it would be stupid
not to have a crutch.

463
00:31:03,767 --> 00:31:06,065
Well, yeah,
but broken legs heal.

464
00:31:06,067 --> 00:31:08,465
I mean don't you have
a responsibility to yourself

465
00:31:08,467 --> 00:31:12,498
to eventually cast aside the
crutches and meet new challenges?

466
00:31:12,500 --> 00:31:14,765
If the parent-child bond
is diseased,

467
00:31:14,767 --> 00:31:18,931
you have a better chance of being a
sociopath than of being well-adjusted.

468
00:31:18,933 --> 00:31:20,931
I consider it a triumph
of the will

469
00:31:20,933 --> 00:31:24,498
that there aren't shallow graves
dotting my backyard.

470
00:31:24,500 --> 00:31:27,864
Besides, who are you to talk?

471
00:31:27,866 --> 00:31:32,199
Simple heartbreak like yours should be,
relatively speaking, a piece of cake to get over.

472
00:31:32,201 --> 00:31:34,132
Well, it's not.

473
00:31:34,134 --> 00:31:37,797
I'd rather be strong and ruined
than weak and ruined.

474
00:31:37,799 --> 00:31:40,732
I'm not weak.
I just have hope.

475
00:31:40,734 --> 00:31:42,665
That's the same thing.

476
00:31:58,700 --> 00:32:02,665
How do you not install steps
or a pathway for this shit?

477
00:32:02,667 --> 00:32:04,831
They warned us. It was
in the Welcome Basket.

478
00:32:04,833 --> 00:32:06,831
This is a fucking
liability nightmare.

479
00:32:06,833 --> 00:32:09,099
That's right,
sue Keith again.

480
00:32:09,101 --> 00:32:11,165
Can't we just get the van
to drive us up?

481
00:32:11,167 --> 00:32:13,797
- We're going 90 feet.
- Well, the heels won't make it.

482
00:32:13,799 --> 00:32:15,797
Then take them off
until we get there.

483
00:32:15,799 --> 00:32:18,165
- I just got a foot massage.
- So?

484
00:32:18,167 --> 00:32:21,598
I'm not gonna show up at my
ex-fiancé's wedding with dirty feet.

485
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:24,099
You can clean them off
at the grape wash.

486
00:32:24,101 --> 00:32:26,931
- Can't you just carry me, please?
- What?

487
00:32:26,933 --> 00:32:30,065
- I can't believe I have to ask.
- What?

488
00:32:30,067 --> 00:32:32,598
- It's 90 feet.
- How much do you weigh?

489
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:34,831
- Frank.
- I don't want to shed my mortal coil.

490
00:32:34,833 --> 00:32:37,001
Well, if that happens,
you can put me down.

491
00:32:48,634 --> 00:32:50,831
You have a high,
specific gravity.

492
00:32:50,833 --> 00:32:52,632
Yeah, dense bones.

493
00:32:52,634 --> 00:32:54,797
Really deceptive avoirdupois.

494
00:32:54,799 --> 00:32:57,531
This is the slowest
I've ever been carried.

495
00:32:57,533 --> 00:32:59,099
Oh, dear God, be quiet.

496
00:32:59,101 --> 00:33:00,831
Can you just let me off
at the top though,

497
00:33:00,833 --> 00:33:02,864
so no one sees
that you carried me?

498
00:33:02,866 --> 00:33:06,698
Why? Maybe Keith will get
jealous and rethink everything.

499
00:33:06,700 --> 00:33:08,831
Keith has
forgotten I'm here.

500
00:33:14,201 --> 00:33:15,201
Fuck me.

501
00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:26,165
It's 800 degrees.

502
00:33:26,167 --> 00:33:28,565
Why is the minister
in a seersucker suit?

503
00:33:28,567 --> 00:33:29,764
Because he's not a minister.

504
00:33:29,766 --> 00:33:31,132
He's Keith's friend
from college.

505
00:33:31,134 --> 00:33:32,999
Levy, I think his name is.

506
00:33:33,001 --> 00:33:35,099
- Kaplan?
- Kaplan, right.

507
00:33:35,101 --> 00:33:37,465
- Is he wearing makeup?
- Always.

508
00:33:37,467 --> 00:33:39,764
Usually
the Nars Radiant Creamy.

509
00:33:39,766 --> 00:33:41,632
If memory serves,
he's gay.

510
00:33:41,634 --> 00:33:45,831
The correct term is "Effeminate
American." And actually he's pansexual.

511
00:33:45,833 --> 00:33:47,232
What does that mean?

512
00:33:47,234 --> 00:33:49,165
He's attracted
to all genders,

513
00:33:49,167 --> 00:33:51,965
gender identities,
and sexual orientations.

514
00:33:51,967 --> 00:33:53,999
- Come on.
- I'm telling you.

515
00:33:54,001 --> 00:33:55,797
How'd he get the gig?

516
00:33:55,799 --> 00:33:57,531
He fucked the bride
and the groom.

517
00:33:57,533 --> 00:34:00,132
- Which was, like, no big deal.
- Vanilla.

518
00:34:00,134 --> 00:34:02,664
I mean, because he would fuck, for
example, a man who believes he's a woman?

519
00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:04,199
Absolutely.

520
00:34:04,201 --> 00:34:07,065
Or a straight woman who believes
she's actually a gay man?

521
00:34:07,067 --> 00:34:09,165
- Not a day goes by.
- What about hermaphrodites?

522
00:34:09,167 --> 00:34:10,731
You'd have to think.

523
00:34:10,733 --> 00:34:12,932
They just let anyone
officiate at weddings?

524
00:34:12,934 --> 00:34:16,697
Not anyone. You need a credit
card and an Internet connection.

525
00:34:16,699 --> 00:34:20,032
- You researched this?
- Oh, I researched everything.

526
00:34:20,034 --> 00:34:21,999
I knew where
we would buy a house,

527
00:34:22,001 --> 00:34:24,999
where our kids would be born,
where they'd go to school.

528
00:34:25,001 --> 00:34:26,733
I knew where we'd be buried.

529
00:34:29,867 --> 00:34:32,899
Do you become a clergyman in
an online church of some sort?

530
00:34:32,901 --> 00:34:35,032
No, you can
just do weddings.

531
00:34:35,034 --> 00:34:37,132
- Not baptisms?
- No.

532
00:34:37,134 --> 00:34:40,165
- Funerals? Bar Mitzvahs?
- Just weddings.

533
00:34:40,167 --> 00:34:43,932
- How many believers does he have?
- No believers. No congregation.

534
00:34:43,934 --> 00:34:47,099
- Does his church preach that there's a heaven?
- Ain't got no church.

535
00:34:47,101 --> 00:34:50,798
Why would anyone have my
mother as the maid of honor?

536
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:54,697
I don't know. It's like having
the Grim Reaper at your CAT scan.

537
00:34:54,699 --> 00:34:58,597
If I had a nickel for every time she
said to me, "I am not your maid."

538
00:34:58,599 --> 00:35:02,232
- Was she born during the Great Depression?
- No, she caused it.

539
00:35:02,234 --> 00:35:04,664
- You know who I feel sorry for?
- Yourself?

540
00:35:04,666 --> 00:35:06,165
Anne's father.

541
00:35:06,167 --> 00:35:08,697
Why? He's the only one here
who wasn't married to my mother.

542
00:35:08,699 --> 00:35:13,899
Because once upon a time, he was the Most
Important Male Person In Anne's Life,

543
00:35:13,901 --> 00:35:16,865
the "M.P.I.A.L." if you will.

544
00:35:16,867 --> 00:35:19,165
I will, but only
if I have to.

545
00:35:19,167 --> 00:35:22,597
It's dangerous for a father
to pass that mantle.

546
00:35:22,599 --> 00:35:25,965
Just because he's Danish doesn't mean
he was fucking his own daughter.

547
00:35:25,967 --> 00:35:29,232
In a very real sense,
by virtue of cultivating

548
00:35:29,234 --> 00:35:33,631
a healthy, loving relationship with
her, showing her, day after day,

549
00:35:33,633 --> 00:35:36,132
year after year, how a good
man should comport himself,

550
00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:38,865
he's been preparing
her whole life for marriage.

551
00:35:38,867 --> 00:35:41,465
- To Keith.
- Exactly.

552
00:35:41,467 --> 00:35:43,765
That's the lamb to
the slaughter right there.

553
00:35:43,767 --> 00:35:47,232
She and her dad have been leading with
their chins, cruising for a bruising.

554
00:35:47,234 --> 00:35:49,465
Asking for it.
It's a total sucker play.

555
00:35:49,467 --> 00:35:50,965
Or so you've heard.

556
00:35:50,967 --> 00:35:53,165
There's a sucker that reaches
age of consent every minute.

557
00:35:53,167 --> 00:35:56,564
When Keith turns out to be
the mythic jerk that he is,

558
00:35:56,566 --> 00:36:00,132
all of her carefully curated
self-esteem will be destroyed,

559
00:36:00,134 --> 00:36:03,566
a father will have lost a
daughter, and where will she be?

560
00:36:04,633 --> 00:36:06,498
Right here
with the rest of us.

561
00:36:28,967 --> 00:36:30,666
I used to love this song.

562
00:36:32,001 --> 00:36:34,132
Do you want to dance?

563
00:36:34,134 --> 00:36:35,867
- I said "used to."
- Fine.

564
00:36:37,967 --> 00:36:40,564
- Why, do you want to dance?
- Of course not, I hate dancing.

565
00:36:40,566 --> 00:36:42,965
It's moronic and a
complete waste of time.

566
00:36:42,967 --> 00:36:45,765
You're not that busy.

567
00:36:45,767 --> 00:36:49,099
I just thought maybe you wanted to
dance to get your mind off things.

568
00:36:49,101 --> 00:36:51,232
I don't and it wouldn't.

569
00:36:51,234 --> 00:36:54,765
Fine. I said fine.

570
00:36:54,767 --> 00:36:56,734
Neither of us wants
to fucking dance.

571
00:37:01,134 --> 00:37:04,599
I can't help but hope
Keith tears a hip muscle.

572
00:37:14,001 --> 00:37:15,867
Can we take a walk?

573
00:37:42,700 --> 00:37:44,899
- How are the shoes?
- They're fine.

574
00:37:44,901 --> 00:37:47,165
I didn't really want to go through
the whole entire selection,

575
00:37:47,167 --> 00:37:50,698
but I have weird arches
on my mom's side.

576
00:37:50,700 --> 00:37:52,698
- So they're good.
- Yeah.

577
00:37:52,700 --> 00:37:54,232
Okay.

578
00:37:54,234 --> 00:37:56,665
You know after
the whole thing with Keith,

579
00:37:56,667 --> 00:38:00,632
- I was diagnosed with PTSD.
- Rich person's PTSD.

580
00:38:00,634 --> 00:38:03,597
- Privileged person's PTSD.
- Okay, I do know what you're saying.

581
00:38:03,599 --> 00:38:05,497
This is why people
hate the top one percent.

582
00:38:05,499 --> 00:38:08,232
- I am not the top one percent.
- Neither am I.

583
00:38:08,234 --> 00:38:11,598
When people talk about the top
one percent like it's home,

584
00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:13,065
it drives me fucking crazy.

585
00:38:13,067 --> 00:38:14,832
You know who's actually
in the top one percent

586
00:38:14,834 --> 00:38:16,732
are the assholes
that run the companies

587
00:38:16,734 --> 00:38:18,965
that I prosecute
and you reward.

588
00:38:18,967 --> 00:38:21,832
Top ten, top 20 percent,
whatever it is.

589
00:38:21,834 --> 00:38:23,999
The segment of society
that doesn't have to worry

590
00:38:24,001 --> 00:38:27,099
about basic things like food,
clothing, shelter, transportation,

591
00:38:27,101 --> 00:38:28,832
or getting shot
by the police.

592
00:38:28,834 --> 00:38:30,497
So we're not allowed
to have problems?

593
00:38:30,499 --> 00:38:32,665
We're allowed to have them, but
no one is interested in them.

594
00:38:32,667 --> 00:38:35,099
And I don't blame them,
I'm not even interested.

595
00:38:35,101 --> 00:38:38,132
We're trite, trivial,
tiresome, tone-deaf narcissists.

596
00:38:38,134 --> 00:38:40,798
I never said I wasn't
a tone-deaf narcissist.

597
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:42,732
- The optics are very bad.
- Nobody's looking.

598
00:38:42,734 --> 00:38:44,065
We should keep our shit
to ourselves.

599
00:38:44,067 --> 00:38:46,199
We are keeping it
to ourselves.

600
00:38:46,201 --> 00:38:50,464
Besides, it's human nature to find pain in
any situation, however relatively fortunate.

601
00:38:50,466 --> 00:38:52,598
That doesn't
make it listenable.

602
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:56,165
Well, I'm sorry if my brand of pain
is out of vogue, but it's all I got.

603
00:38:56,167 --> 00:38:58,732
It would be so much more
interesting and fantastic

604
00:38:58,734 --> 00:39:00,999
if we had been
fondled by priests

605
00:39:01,001 --> 00:39:03,932
or lost a leg but could
still feel it or something.

606
00:39:05,700 --> 00:39:09,497
My theory about
myself is that my soma

607
00:39:09,499 --> 00:39:13,632
is sending me a Darwinian
message telling me,

608
00:39:13,634 --> 00:39:16,899
"Hey, you're unfit to pass your
DNA on to future generations,

609
00:39:16,901 --> 00:39:18,932
so you should just select out."

610
00:39:18,934 --> 00:39:21,698
Well, just keep doing
what you're doing.

611
00:39:21,700 --> 00:39:24,099
But I have
so much to give.

612
00:39:24,101 --> 00:39:25,734
Not really.

613
00:39:27,067 --> 00:39:29,765
Holy shit, Frank.
What is that?

614
00:39:29,767 --> 00:39:31,497
I think it's a mountain lion.

615
00:39:31,499 --> 00:39:34,765
- Could it be a jaguar?
- I don't know. I'm not a zookeeper.

616
00:39:34,767 --> 00:39:36,798
It's too big for an
ocelot or a bearcat,

617
00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:38,798
but too small
for a panther, I think.

618
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,199
What the fuck difference does it make
what it is? It's a fucking predator cat.

619
00:39:41,201 --> 00:39:42,765
A cougar, maybe?

620
00:39:42,767 --> 00:39:44,865
- Jesus Christ.
- I don't know what you're worried about.

621
00:39:44,867 --> 00:39:46,565
- It's gonna go for me.
- Why?

622
00:39:46,567 --> 00:39:48,798
I saw a thing. They pick out
the smallest of the herd.

623
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:50,132
We're not a herd,
we're wedding guests.

624
00:39:50,134 --> 00:39:52,165
I'm telling you,
you're safe if you just run.

625
00:39:52,167 --> 00:39:53,632
You run.
I'll stay here and fight.

626
00:39:53,634 --> 00:39:55,099
Uh, yeah,
but I'm not a sprinter.

627
00:39:55,101 --> 00:39:57,865
I run for distance, so it
gives me a certain clarity...

628
00:39:57,867 --> 00:39:59,498
Yes, all right.

629
00:39:59,500 --> 00:40:00,832
You run.
I'll stay here and fight.

630
00:40:00,834 --> 00:40:03,065
How about if we both run
and nobody stays and fights?

631
00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:04,765
Neither one of us
can outrun a cheetah.

632
00:40:04,767 --> 00:40:06,565
It's not a fucking cheetah.
We're not in Africa.

633
00:40:06,567 --> 00:40:08,732
They're also in Iran,
I think it said.

634
00:40:08,734 --> 00:40:10,199
They won't even
hear us scream.

635
00:40:10,201 --> 00:40:11,999
I hate those
fucking people.

636
00:40:12,001 --> 00:40:14,598
On the plus side,
you'll be ruining Keith's wedding.

637
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:17,132
- That's true.
- Unless they don't find us for weeks.

638
00:40:17,134 --> 00:40:19,965
And then only in pieces, some of
which were brought back to its lair.

639
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:23,232
Last chance on the running.

640
00:40:23,234 --> 00:40:26,199
I can't believe you're the last human
person I'm ever gonna talk to.

641
00:40:26,201 --> 00:40:27,765
There might be EMTs.

642
00:40:27,767 --> 00:40:30,565
Yeah, but I might
be a hemophiliac.

643
00:40:30,567 --> 00:40:32,565
Might be?
Don't you know that already?

644
00:40:32,567 --> 00:40:36,531
Well, no, because you can get things
as an adult, like adult onset asthma.

645
00:40:36,533 --> 00:40:38,834
My friend Suzanne has that...

646
00:40:54,667 --> 00:40:57,199
- Now we run!
- Oh!

647
00:40:57,201 --> 00:40:59,598
- That was good, Frank.
- My throat is really raw.

648
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:00,999
But why are
we still running?

649
00:41:01,001 --> 00:41:02,365
Because I don't
think it's a bad idea

650
00:41:02,367 --> 00:41:05,199
to put as much distance between us
and the mountain lion as possible.

651
00:41:05,201 --> 00:41:06,698
It might've
been a lynx!

652
00:41:06,700 --> 00:41:07,999
It would be so
ironic if I strangled you.

653
00:41:08,001 --> 00:41:10,231
Why do you have to ruin
a nice moment!

654
00:41:10,233 --> 00:41:13,832
- Ow!
- Ah, fuck! Ah, fuck!

655
00:41:13,834 --> 00:41:16,899
- Ow! Ow!
- Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

656
00:41:16,901 --> 00:41:18,167
Ah!

657
00:41:20,467 --> 00:41:22,399
Okay. Oh.

658
00:41:25,233 --> 00:41:27,500
For the record,
you ruined the moment, not me.

659
00:41:30,901 --> 00:41:32,467
Lindsay?

660
00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:35,134
Lindsay?

661
00:41:37,500 --> 00:41:41,465
I'm fine!
For God's sake. Jesus.

662
00:41:41,467 --> 00:41:44,865
- Great.
- I just had the wind knocked out of me.

663
00:41:44,867 --> 00:41:46,765
Okay, good.

664
00:41:46,767 --> 00:41:50,099
It was good, because you didn't have
the first clue what you were doing.

665
00:41:50,101 --> 00:41:52,932
Hey, it's been a while
since health class.

666
00:41:52,934 --> 00:41:55,832
Yeah, well, if you thought
I had a cervical injury,

667
00:41:55,834 --> 00:41:58,132
the last thing you're supposed
to do is flip a person over

668
00:41:58,134 --> 00:42:00,065
like a fuckin' pancake.

669
00:42:00,067 --> 00:42:04,732
- I'm sorry.
- But on the other hand, you did save me.

670
00:42:04,734 --> 00:42:05,932
Us.

671
00:42:05,934 --> 00:42:08,665
I told you,
it would have gone for me.

672
00:42:08,667 --> 00:42:11,465
Why did you do that?
Why did you save me?

673
00:42:11,467 --> 00:42:12,467
I didn't save you.

674
00:42:13,567 --> 00:42:15,099
Why did you save me?

675
00:42:15,101 --> 00:42:16,632
Because I'm an idiot.

676
00:42:16,634 --> 00:42:20,032
- You could've died.
- Of idiocy.

677
00:42:20,034 --> 00:42:22,001
Don't tell me
you're secretly noble.

678
00:42:22,967 --> 00:42:24,164
I'm not.

679
00:42:24,166 --> 00:42:25,531
But I thought,
"Maybe she's right.

680
00:42:25,533 --> 00:42:26,899
Maybe hers
is the life in danger.

681
00:42:26,901 --> 00:42:29,598
She seems to know
fuckin' everything."

682
00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:33,065
And I didn't want to feel guilty for the
rest of my life about not having saved you.

683
00:42:33,067 --> 00:42:34,698
I get that.

684
00:42:34,700 --> 00:42:38,465
- I didn't want to think of myself as selfish.
- Frank.

685
00:42:38,467 --> 00:42:42,565
As <i>that</i> selfish. Not on top of everything
else I already think about myself.

686
00:42:42,567 --> 00:42:44,865
Copy you.

687
00:42:44,867 --> 00:42:47,465
'Cause it's not like
I have so much to live for.

688
00:42:47,467 --> 00:42:49,634
Yeah, well,
that's true.

689
00:42:50,967 --> 00:42:52,467
Well, anyway, thank you.

690
00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:01,198
What the fuck, Frank?

691
00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:02,832
I'm sorry.
I don't know what that was.

692
00:43:02,834 --> 00:43:05,101
Neither do I,
for fuck's sake. Jesus.

693
00:43:08,967 --> 00:43:11,065
- Goddamn it!
- I'm sorry.

694
00:43:11,067 --> 00:43:13,634
- What is wrong with you?
- I don't know.

695
00:43:19,233 --> 00:43:20,832
What the fuck?

696
00:43:20,834 --> 00:43:22,133
Let's just...
Come on.

697
00:43:24,867 --> 00:43:25,867
Mmm.

698
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:31,001
Can't... Just put it on...

699
00:43:33,700 --> 00:43:35,665
I'm sorry.

700
00:43:35,667 --> 00:43:38,999
I'm sorry,
it's just very difficult

701
00:43:39,001 --> 00:43:41,899
for me to give myself over to
any sort of positive activity.

702
00:43:41,901 --> 00:43:45,164
Yeah.
Especially this one.

703
00:43:45,166 --> 00:43:47,198
It makes me think about how
long I've gone without it,

704
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:49,164
which makes me
want to kill myself.

705
00:43:49,166 --> 00:43:52,531
Yeah, well, I've been pretty
sure for a very long time

706
00:43:52,533 --> 00:43:54,999
that life is essentially
a horrible experience,

707
00:43:55,001 --> 00:43:56,965
and I really don't need
this kind of confusion.

708
00:43:56,967 --> 00:43:58,765
- And pressure.
- Yeah.

709
00:43:58,767 --> 00:43:59,932
I mean, if it all sucks,
then fuck it,

710
00:43:59,934 --> 00:44:02,965
but if it doesn't all suck,
then there's so much pressure.

711
00:44:02,967 --> 00:44:04,665
Yeah.

712
00:44:04,667 --> 00:44:07,032
God, do you even know
how long it's been

713
00:44:07,034 --> 00:44:10,698
since I've been touched with
affection by another human being?

714
00:44:10,700 --> 00:44:12,865
How about without affection?

715
00:44:12,867 --> 00:44:14,732
Nearly as long.

716
00:44:14,734 --> 00:44:18,665
I tell you right now, I haven't
felt pleasure since about 2006.

717
00:44:18,667 --> 00:44:21,064
Sometimes, I feel
the absence of pain,

718
00:44:21,066 --> 00:44:23,531
which at this point
feels like pleasure,

719
00:44:23,533 --> 00:44:26,001
or at least pleasure's
little cousin.

720
00:44:26,934 --> 00:44:28,565
I don't have protection.

721
00:44:28,567 --> 00:44:29,698
Well, why would you?

722
00:44:29,700 --> 00:44:32,064
I mean, why would you
have a condom today?

723
00:44:32,066 --> 00:44:34,632
What are the odds?
Astronomical.

724
00:44:34,634 --> 00:44:37,765
- What if you got pregnant?
- I'm sure my womb is hostile.

725
00:44:37,767 --> 00:44:40,498
Having sex right now
would be irresponsible.

726
00:44:40,500 --> 00:44:42,164
Well, who cares?

727
00:44:42,166 --> 00:44:44,500
I mean, how much worse
can things get?

728
00:44:45,967 --> 00:44:47,899
- Okay.
- Yeah?

729
00:44:47,901 --> 00:44:49,000
Okay.

730
00:45:00,934 --> 00:45:02,565
Okay.

731
00:45:02,567 --> 00:45:05,632
Okay.

732
00:45:05,634 --> 00:45:07,199
Okay.

733
00:45:07,201 --> 00:45:09,565
All right.

734
00:45:10,934 --> 00:45:13,834
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

735
00:45:23,100 --> 00:45:24,100
Okay.

736
00:45:27,634 --> 00:45:28,698
How's that?

737
00:45:28,700 --> 00:45:30,064
That's fine.

738
00:45:32,500 --> 00:45:35,498
Do you think the mountain lion
will be attracted to the musk?

739
00:45:35,500 --> 00:45:37,465
I think it was a puma.

740
00:45:38,567 --> 00:45:39,964
How is it now?

741
00:45:39,966 --> 00:45:43,732
It feels strange
yet pleasantly familiar,

742
00:45:43,734 --> 00:45:47,167
kind of like coming off a long
diet or going back to smoking.

743
00:45:49,100 --> 00:45:50,899
How about now?

744
00:45:50,901 --> 00:45:52,732
Do you have
any diseases?

745
00:45:52,734 --> 00:45:54,064
Of course not.

746
00:45:54,066 --> 00:45:56,064
I missed every
possible sexual revolution.

747
00:45:56,066 --> 00:45:58,698
The first one,
the one after Tinder,

748
00:45:58,700 --> 00:46:01,232
- the one after Caitlyn Jenner...
- Me, too.

749
00:46:04,201 --> 00:46:05,832
Crabs.

750
00:46:05,834 --> 00:46:07,765
You have crabs?

751
00:46:07,767 --> 00:46:09,098
No, actual crabs.

752
00:46:09,100 --> 00:46:10,665
Over there.

753
00:46:10,667 --> 00:46:12,865
Those aren't crabs,
those are tarantulas.

754
00:46:12,867 --> 00:46:13,964
They look like crabs.

755
00:46:13,966 --> 00:46:15,064
No, they don't.

756
00:46:15,066 --> 00:46:17,565
And besides,
they don't attack humans.

757
00:46:17,567 --> 00:46:18,998
Now you're just
making shit up.

758
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:21,531
Oh, yes, for the thrill
of fucking you.

759
00:46:21,533 --> 00:46:23,798
- Let's get it over with.
- Fine.

760
00:46:27,900 --> 00:46:31,099
My mother used to tell me to always
use two condoms when you have sex.

761
00:46:31,101 --> 00:46:32,832
The second one
always had to be bigger.

762
00:46:32,834 --> 00:46:35,498
- It looked like a wind sock.
- That's so stupid.

763
00:46:35,500 --> 00:46:38,232
Each condom would cause
the other one to break.

764
00:46:38,234 --> 00:46:41,232
A fact discovered, astraddle,
in the summer after 12th grade,

765
00:46:41,234 --> 00:46:44,832
by a nice girl named Auden
who had no quarrel with anyone.

766
00:46:44,834 --> 00:46:46,732
She ran screaming
from our rec room.

767
00:46:46,734 --> 00:46:49,064
Of course, you had sex
in your rec room.

768
00:46:49,066 --> 00:46:51,099
We had a Nutone intercom system.

769
00:46:51,101 --> 00:46:53,632
The master control
was in the kitchen.

770
00:46:53,634 --> 00:46:56,698
My parents could listen and talk to
any room in the house from there.

771
00:46:56,700 --> 00:46:59,665
I used to call the kitchen
"The Eagle's Nest."

772
00:46:59,667 --> 00:47:01,099
When my father heard
Auden wailing,

773
00:47:01,101 --> 00:47:03,498
he screamed
through the intercom,

774
00:47:03,500 --> 00:47:05,698
"What the fuck
is going on down there?"

775
00:47:05,700 --> 00:47:06,732
I said what happened.

776
00:47:06,734 --> 00:47:08,232
There was a pause,

777
00:47:08,234 --> 00:47:10,931
and then my mother said,
"Dinner's ready."

778
00:47:10,933 --> 00:47:12,832
Your mother cooked?

779
00:47:12,834 --> 00:47:14,698
On the off-chance
that we are making a baby,

780
00:47:14,700 --> 00:47:15,964
do you want a boy
or a girl?

781
00:47:15,966 --> 00:47:17,998
You're asking me this now?

782
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:20,099
I'm killing time.

783
00:47:20,101 --> 00:47:22,598
Uh, a boy.

784
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:25,531
My mother actually told
me there's a way to get a boy.

785
00:47:25,533 --> 00:47:27,598
- Oh, this ought to be good.
- Yeah.

786
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:31,832
At the moment of climax, just
shout out, "Oh, boy! Oh, boy!"

787
00:47:31,834 --> 00:47:34,565
Can we please stop
talking about your mother.

788
00:47:34,567 --> 00:47:36,698
But I don't know why
you'd possibly want a boy,

789
00:47:36,700 --> 00:47:38,132
considering, you know,

790
00:47:38,134 --> 00:47:40,964
the baseline quality of
your relationships with men.

791
00:47:40,966 --> 00:47:42,964
Oh. What, revenge?

792
00:47:45,234 --> 00:47:47,665
Oh, Jesus, Frank!

793
00:47:47,667 --> 00:47:50,598
Jesus effing Christ!

794
00:47:53,134 --> 00:47:55,798
Oh, God, you look like
you're gonna throw up!

795
00:47:55,800 --> 00:47:57,831
Why would I?
You're a very attractive woman.

796
00:47:57,833 --> 00:47:59,665
Not from that.

797
00:47:59,667 --> 00:48:00,898
Oh, right,
sorry.

798
00:48:00,900 --> 00:48:02,199
Oh, God!

799
00:48:02,201 --> 00:48:04,598
No!
No, no, no, no!

800
00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:06,465
- No?
- No, not "no."

801
00:48:06,467 --> 00:48:07,898
I'm just
a very negative person.

802
00:48:07,900 --> 00:48:09,032
Okay.

803
00:48:09,034 --> 00:48:11,032
I'm expressing
incredulity!

804
00:48:11,034 --> 00:48:12,831
Got it.

805
00:48:12,833 --> 00:48:14,232
- No!
- Ah!

806
00:48:14,234 --> 00:48:16,831
No! No! No!
No! No!

807
00:48:16,833 --> 00:48:18,931
Oh, boy!
Oh, boy!

808
00:48:18,933 --> 00:48:20,665
Oh, boy!

809
00:48:20,667 --> 00:48:24,632
Yeah!
Oh, boy!

810
00:48:30,833 --> 00:48:32,632
Anytime, pal.

811
00:48:32,634 --> 00:48:33,964
Can you not talk right now?

812
00:48:33,966 --> 00:48:35,465
Fine.

813
00:48:35,467 --> 00:48:37,931
- It's gonna get cold out.
- No, it won't.

814
00:48:37,933 --> 00:48:40,199
Yes, it will.
It's the Paso Robles Diurnal.

815
00:48:40,201 --> 00:48:42,898
There's
sweeping wind temperatures.

816
00:48:42,900 --> 00:48:44,831
Don't you know anything
about meteorology?

817
00:48:44,833 --> 00:48:46,864
No!

818
00:48:46,866 --> 00:48:49,132
Oh, God. Kelp.

819
00:48:49,134 --> 00:48:51,065
- Help?
- No, kelp.

820
00:48:51,067 --> 00:48:53,665
There's kelp at
or near my vagina.

821
00:48:53,667 --> 00:48:56,032
Oh, that's grass.
We're in grass.

822
00:48:56,034 --> 00:48:57,598
How is that better?

823
00:48:57,600 --> 00:48:59,640
You put the ocean in my head
with the fucking crabs.

824
00:49:28,567 --> 00:49:29,797
What?

825
00:49:29,799 --> 00:49:31,467
I had a purse.

826
00:49:37,201 --> 00:49:39,132
Do you want a drink?

827
00:49:39,134 --> 00:49:42,165
I want all the drinks poured
directly down my gullet.

828
00:49:42,167 --> 00:49:45,132
Why don't we go to your room
and crack open your minibar?

829
00:49:45,134 --> 00:49:46,632
Why don't we
go to your room

830
00:49:46,634 --> 00:49:49,099
and crack open
your goddamn minibar?

831
00:49:49,101 --> 00:49:51,697
Frank.
We're alive.

832
00:49:51,699 --> 00:49:53,600
What does that have
to do with anything?

833
00:50:16,667 --> 00:50:18,831
- How do you know the words to this?
- Come on.

834
00:50:28,833 --> 00:50:32,132
What?

835
00:50:34,067 --> 00:50:35,697
<i>But at some point,</i>

836
00:50:35,699 --> 00:50:38,132
<i>don't you think it just starts
to look a little ridiculous?</i>

837
00:50:38,134 --> 00:50:41,531
<i>Think about it, this guy was formally
the head of the committee...</i>

838
00:50:41,533 --> 00:50:43,764
"Formerly," not "form-ally."

839
00:50:43,766 --> 00:50:45,400
I know, it's appalling.

840
00:50:46,766 --> 00:50:48,831
Seriously, the chocolate?

841
00:50:48,833 --> 00:50:52,032
We're not going to drink without eating.
Alcoholics do that.

842
00:50:52,034 --> 00:50:53,899
The chocolate
is the most expensive thing

843
00:50:53,901 --> 00:50:55,232
in the minibar
besides the...

844
00:50:55,234 --> 00:50:57,531
wine.

845
00:50:57,533 --> 00:50:59,565
Would you rather we had
ordered room service?

846
00:50:59,567 --> 00:51:00,865
Definitely not.

847
00:51:00,867 --> 00:51:02,865
I spoke to the front desk.

848
00:51:02,867 --> 00:51:05,697
They add a delivery fee,
a 17 percent gratuity,

849
00:51:05,699 --> 00:51:08,631
and some sort of fuckin' cover
charge, like we're in Italy.

850
00:51:08,633 --> 00:51:12,165
I've always wondered why
they give you two glasses

851
00:51:12,167 --> 00:51:13,965
even when
you're traveling alone.

852
00:51:13,967 --> 00:51:16,697
Because one
would be so sad.

853
00:51:16,699 --> 00:51:18,132
Here's to...
What?

854
00:51:18,134 --> 00:51:19,733
Please.

855
00:51:33,834 --> 00:51:36,132
It's not hashish.

856
00:51:36,134 --> 00:51:38,764
I'm not wearing anything
under my pajamas.

857
00:51:38,766 --> 00:51:40,565
Why would you?
They're so alluring.

858
00:51:40,567 --> 00:51:43,597
I didn't think I was gonna
be intimate this weekend.

859
00:51:43,599 --> 00:51:44,965
Or any weekend.

860
00:51:44,967 --> 00:51:47,165
Superman couldn't see
through those pajamas.

861
00:51:47,167 --> 00:51:48,531
So you tried.

862
00:51:48,533 --> 00:51:51,132
People have jousted
in lighter clothing.

863
00:51:51,134 --> 00:51:53,165
- Frank?
- Present.

864
00:51:53,167 --> 00:51:56,099
When you said before that
I was an attractive woman,

865
00:51:56,101 --> 00:51:57,731
what did you mean?

866
00:51:57,733 --> 00:51:59,465
What do you mean
what did I mean?

867
00:51:59,467 --> 00:52:01,498
You're an attractive woman.
You're physically appealing.

868
00:52:01,500 --> 00:52:02,901
Can you be more specific?

869
00:52:04,599 --> 00:52:07,899
Your facial features
subscribe to the Golden Ratio.

870
00:52:07,901 --> 00:52:09,564
What?

871
00:52:09,566 --> 00:52:12,564
One to the quantity one half
times radical five plus one.

872
00:52:12,566 --> 00:52:13,932
The Golden Ratio.

873
00:52:13,934 --> 00:52:15,498
You can tell that?

874
00:52:15,500 --> 00:52:17,099
It's an estimate.

875
00:52:17,101 --> 00:52:19,531
And you have
The Folds of Aphrodite.

876
00:52:19,533 --> 00:52:21,731
What are the Folds
of Aphrodite?

877
00:52:21,733 --> 00:52:23,731
That's the name of the
particular, graceful way

878
00:52:23,733 --> 00:52:25,099
that the cheeks
of beautiful women

879
00:52:25,101 --> 00:52:27,731
arrange themselves
when they smile.

880
00:52:27,733 --> 00:52:31,132
There's a gentle creasing
that begins at the cheekbone

881
00:52:31,134 --> 00:52:34,032
and runs downward,
in a slightly arced diagonal,

882
00:52:34,034 --> 00:52:37,232
directing the eye
to the mouth.

883
00:52:37,234 --> 00:52:39,467
It's aesthetically thrilling.

884
00:52:41,633 --> 00:52:45,132
Well...
I've never heard the term

885
00:52:45,134 --> 00:52:46,965
"Folds of Aphrodite."

886
00:52:46,967 --> 00:52:48,732
I coined it.

887
00:52:48,734 --> 00:52:50,664
Then it's not a real thing.

888
00:52:50,666 --> 00:52:53,132
Then it and you
are bullshit.

889
00:52:53,134 --> 00:52:55,865
I googled around and there was
no name for it so I coined it.

890
00:52:55,867 --> 00:52:58,732
- It's established now.
- Bullshit.

891
00:52:58,734 --> 00:53:02,232
In my experience, there's at least a 90
percent correlation between beautiful women

892
00:53:02,234 --> 00:53:04,932
- and women who have The Folds of Aphrodite.
- Oh...

893
00:53:04,934 --> 00:53:07,865
The Folds cut across races
and ethnicities.

894
00:53:07,867 --> 00:53:09,467
What else about me?

895
00:53:10,532 --> 00:53:11,798
Well...

896
00:53:15,934 --> 00:53:17,698
you're slender,

897
00:53:17,700 --> 00:53:20,465
but not to the point of a
troubled relationship with food.

898
00:53:20,467 --> 00:53:22,597
That's actionable profiling,
right there.

899
00:53:22,599 --> 00:53:24,597
File a grievance.

900
00:53:24,599 --> 00:53:28,032
And your curves are very
sexy but not vulgar.

901
00:53:28,034 --> 00:53:30,032
Everything very much
in proportion,

902
00:53:30,034 --> 00:53:32,199
firm but not overly,

903
00:53:32,201 --> 00:53:35,564
which I've always found
weird and prepossessing.

904
00:53:35,566 --> 00:53:38,732
Your arms bespeak physical
fitness and athleticism,

905
00:53:38,734 --> 00:53:40,530
but nothing sapphic.

906
00:53:40,532 --> 00:53:43,665
And your ankles quietly aver

907
00:53:43,667 --> 00:53:46,732
that you will keep your body
well into later age.

908
00:53:46,734 --> 00:53:49,832
It's despicable
the way men look at women.

909
00:53:49,834 --> 00:53:54,599
In short, you are beautiful,
graceful, and elegant.

910
00:53:56,101 --> 00:53:59,665
Also, you don't dress
in an overtly sexy way.

911
00:53:59,667 --> 00:54:01,832
You seem to understand
that dressing sexy

912
00:54:01,834 --> 00:54:04,631
is actually the opposite
of being sexy,

913
00:54:04,633 --> 00:54:06,865
that certain information
should have to be earned,

914
00:54:06,867 --> 00:54:08,732
rather than given away
for free

915
00:54:08,734 --> 00:54:11,631
to anyone and everyone
who passeth by your doorstep.

916
00:54:11,633 --> 00:54:13,798
If this were 1732.

917
00:54:13,800 --> 00:54:15,165
I'm giving you
a compliment.

918
00:54:15,167 --> 00:54:16,665
You're calling me
a prude.

919
00:54:16,667 --> 00:54:18,798
I'm suggesting that
you've taken the high road.

920
00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:20,965
Even in this flagrant,
flaunting day and age,

921
00:54:20,967 --> 00:54:23,199
you have chosen
to preserve the mystery.

922
00:54:23,201 --> 00:54:27,901
Yes, the pajamas go too far,
but I applaud the ethos.

923
00:54:30,001 --> 00:54:32,497
- Would you like to know about you?
- No.

924
00:54:32,499 --> 00:54:33,734
Yes, you would.

925
00:54:35,700 --> 00:54:37,632
You're very handsome.

926
00:54:37,634 --> 00:54:40,632
You have powerful eyes.

927
00:54:40,634 --> 00:54:43,632
Your hair
will never be a problem.

928
00:54:43,634 --> 00:54:46,732
The corners
of your mouth touch

929
00:54:46,734 --> 00:54:51,132
but do not cross the vertical
lines which bisect your eyes.

930
00:54:51,134 --> 00:54:54,497
In profile, your chin extends
exactly the same as your lower lip,

931
00:54:54,499 --> 00:54:56,464
which is an ideal.

932
00:54:56,466 --> 00:55:01,497
Bodily, you feel strong and
substantial, sinuous but not wiry.

933
00:55:01,499 --> 00:55:03,232
Sartorially,
you get high marks.

934
00:55:03,234 --> 00:55:04,965
You tuck in your shirts
because you realize

935
00:55:04,967 --> 00:55:07,999
that tails out is
a ridiculous way to dress.

936
00:55:08,001 --> 00:55:10,899
You wear your pants low, and
your shoes are legitimate.

937
00:55:10,901 --> 00:55:14,965
And you have
a beautiful penis.

938
00:55:14,967 --> 00:55:16,665
I do?

939
00:55:16,667 --> 00:55:18,132
Oh, come on, Frank.

940
00:55:18,134 --> 00:55:21,001
Surely people have told you
that your entire life.

941
00:55:22,167 --> 00:55:23,565
No.

942
00:55:23,567 --> 00:55:25,899
Well, it's very nice.

943
00:55:25,901 --> 00:55:27,565
It's straight,

944
00:55:27,567 --> 00:55:30,099
and you would not believe how
epidemic a problem that is.

945
00:55:30,101 --> 00:55:33,899
Also,
it's balletically formed.

946
00:55:33,901 --> 00:55:39,199
It's not so big as to ever
be a cause for concern,

947
00:55:39,201 --> 00:55:42,899
but it's big enough never to be
the object of ridicule or scorn.

948
00:55:42,901 --> 00:55:45,899
You're in
a very sweet spot there.

949
00:55:45,901 --> 00:55:48,732
Are you saying that Keith's
penis is not straight?

950
00:55:48,734 --> 00:55:52,530
Can you imagine that we would
have gone this entire weekend

951
00:55:52,532 --> 00:55:54,932
without saying these
things to each other?

952
00:55:54,934 --> 00:55:57,598
- "Balletically formed"?
- That's right.

953
00:55:57,600 --> 00:56:01,099
People are
ridiculous and pathetic.

954
00:56:01,101 --> 00:56:04,165
Animals, that's all.

955
00:56:04,167 --> 00:56:07,999
We want to believe that there's some
high-minded, cosmic meaning behind love,

956
00:56:08,001 --> 00:56:09,698
but the truth is
we're drawn to,

957
00:56:09,700 --> 00:56:11,632
and make most of our
decisions based upon,

958
00:56:11,634 --> 00:56:15,865
shapes we find appealing,
and colors and textures

959
00:56:15,867 --> 00:56:19,531
and smells and tastes
and spatial relations.

960
00:56:19,533 --> 00:56:21,932
It's so stupid.

961
00:56:21,934 --> 00:56:24,132
This is pretty good.

962
00:56:24,134 --> 00:56:26,199
I mean, when I think about
what people look like

963
00:56:26,201 --> 00:56:29,832
when they kiss or have sex,
I want to vomit.

964
00:56:29,834 --> 00:56:31,732
You almost did vomit.

965
00:56:31,734 --> 00:56:35,498
I mean, there's nothing beautiful
or transcendent about being human.

966
00:56:35,500 --> 00:56:37,999
Ultimately,
it's just a filthy business

967
00:56:38,001 --> 00:56:41,698
of a revolting species
trying to survive.

968
00:56:41,700 --> 00:56:44,531
I mean, if you've ever really
watched another person eat,

969
00:56:44,533 --> 00:56:46,665
or seen yourself in a mirror
taking a shit,

970
00:56:46,667 --> 00:56:49,531
or walked through
South Coast Plaza,

971
00:56:49,533 --> 00:56:51,531
you know exactly
what I'm talking about.

972
00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:54,165
But I had my eyes open
when I was fucking you,

973
00:56:54,167 --> 00:56:56,065
and I thought we must
have looked pretty good.

974
00:56:56,067 --> 00:56:58,999
My father thought
he had a good golf swing.

975
00:57:00,201 --> 00:57:01,500
Wait.

976
00:57:04,234 --> 00:57:06,932
Do a groove chew.

977
00:57:06,934 --> 00:57:08,765
I'm sorry?

978
00:57:08,767 --> 00:57:10,765
It's a style
of chewing used

979
00:57:10,767 --> 00:57:12,565
when you're really
enjoying something

980
00:57:12,567 --> 00:57:14,632
that you don't have
very often.

981
00:57:14,634 --> 00:57:16,134
Like this.

982
00:57:18,634 --> 00:57:19,634
Mm!

983
00:57:21,067 --> 00:57:22,067
Mm!

984
00:57:24,901 --> 00:57:27,132
- This is a thing?
- I coined it.

985
00:57:27,134 --> 00:57:29,498
And you're not embarrassed?

986
00:57:29,500 --> 00:57:31,134
All right, just come on.
Just try.

987
00:57:34,634 --> 00:57:35,965
- Mmm...
- Mm.

988
00:57:35,967 --> 00:57:38,467
- Mmm!
- Mmm-mm!

989
00:57:45,167 --> 00:57:47,632
- Can you groove swallow?
- You can.

990
00:57:47,634 --> 00:57:49,734
- Can we groove swallow now?
- Okay, fine.

991
00:58:06,201 --> 00:58:07,901
- Huh?
- Uh...

992
00:58:14,134 --> 00:58:16,467
<i>I remember the
first time I ever saw you.</i>

993
00:58:17,634 --> 00:58:19,165
<i>It was a partial nephrectomy.</i>

994
00:58:19,167 --> 00:58:22,567
<i>You were standing in for Dr.
Sumner who had an emergency.</i>

995
00:58:24,067 --> 00:58:25,798
<i>With your cap and mask,</i>

996
00:58:25,800 --> 00:58:27,867
<i>all I could see
were your eyes.</i>

997
00:58:29,500 --> 00:58:31,001
<i>And I remember thinking...</i>

998
00:58:31,967 --> 00:58:33,467
<i>thank God.</i>

999
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:38,531
<i>Because anything more
would be too much to bear.</i>

1000
00:58:38,533 --> 00:58:40,465
Stop worrying
about fucking each other

1001
00:58:40,467 --> 00:58:43,032
and start saving the people
who are dying in your hospital.

1002
00:58:43,034 --> 00:58:46,032
Your patient has a
snake in his urethra.

1003
00:58:46,034 --> 00:58:48,065
You should all
lose your licenses.

1004
00:58:48,067 --> 00:58:51,498
When my time comes,
I will sign a DNR.

1005
00:58:51,500 --> 00:58:53,965
I won't.
I want to be resuscitated.

1006
00:58:53,967 --> 00:58:57,065
I want to be intubated, revived,
retrieved, and prolonged.

1007
00:58:57,067 --> 00:58:58,531
I want them
to zap me with clappers

1008
00:58:58,533 --> 00:59:02,099
and inject my heart with that long needle
of adrenaline... whatever it takes.

1009
00:59:02,101 --> 00:59:04,132
What? But, what if
there's no hope?

1010
00:59:04,134 --> 00:59:05,598
There's already no hope.

1011
00:59:05,600 --> 00:59:08,164
But what if you're just
a burden to your family

1012
00:59:08,166 --> 00:59:10,832
and, by extension, the
entire health-care system?

1013
00:59:10,834 --> 00:59:12,032
Won't give a shit.

1014
00:59:12,034 --> 00:59:13,999
I want them
to stave off death.

1015
00:59:14,001 --> 00:59:16,665
I don't care if there's turnips
with better brain-wave patterns.

1016
00:59:16,667 --> 00:59:17,899
Legumes.

1017
00:59:17,901 --> 00:59:19,765
But I thought
you hated life.

1018
00:59:19,767 --> 00:59:21,965
I do, but I'm going to
be dead for a long time,

1019
00:59:21,967 --> 00:59:23,899
so there's no rush.

1020
00:59:23,901 --> 00:59:25,198
Do you want
to have children?

1021
00:59:25,200 --> 00:59:26,732
I'd rather be dead
in a ditch.

1022
00:59:26,734 --> 00:59:28,698
Oh.

1023
00:59:28,700 --> 00:59:31,065
I mean, why would I do
that to those poor souls?

1024
00:59:31,067 --> 00:59:33,698
Well, for the same reason
you want to be resuscitated.

1025
00:59:33,700 --> 00:59:37,565
Because being, as bad as it
is, is better than not being.

1026
00:59:37,567 --> 00:59:39,698
This is a horrible place
to be.

1027
00:59:39,700 --> 00:59:41,965
Central California,
or the whole thing?

1028
00:59:41,967 --> 00:59:44,632
I'm already alive.
I already know shit.

1029
00:59:44,634 --> 00:59:46,598
But unborn children
are none the wiser

1030
00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:48,531
and deserve to be protected
from certain things,

1031
00:59:48,533 --> 00:59:49,999
like being alive
in the first place.

1032
00:59:50,001 --> 00:59:51,765
That makes no sense.

1033
00:59:51,767 --> 00:59:53,932
Living was not my choice.
It was my mother's.

1034
00:59:53,934 --> 00:59:55,965
Have you ever heard
of anything more selfish?

1035
00:59:55,967 --> 00:59:58,665
- I hope I'm not pregnant.
- That's all I'm saying.

1036
00:59:58,667 --> 01:00:00,765
Why did your father
leave your mother?

1037
01:00:00,767 --> 01:00:01,932
Because he could.

1038
01:00:01,934 --> 01:00:04,065
Because he had the power
of locomotion.

1039
01:00:04,067 --> 01:00:07,932
Why did she keep and hyphenate
both her divorced last names?

1040
01:00:07,934 --> 01:00:10,531
Because she thought
it made her sound aristocratic.

1041
01:00:10,533 --> 01:00:12,131
Also, this way
she gets all her mail.

1042
01:00:12,133 --> 01:00:16,098
And what would you say
is the major barrier

1043
01:00:16,100 --> 01:00:18,698
to a warm relationship between
you and your half-brother?

1044
01:00:18,700 --> 01:00:21,465
He's a douchebag. Why are you
asking me these questions?

1045
01:00:21,467 --> 01:00:23,598
Just... I don't know.

1046
01:00:23,600 --> 01:00:27,632
I'm just evaluating your qualifications
as an ongoing love interest.

1047
01:00:27,634 --> 01:00:29,498
Not that
I'm advocating that.

1048
01:00:29,500 --> 01:00:32,098
Clearly, you're an emotional
cripple, as am I.

1049
01:00:32,100 --> 01:00:36,865
I don't have any qualifications as an
ongoing love interest and neither do you.

1050
01:00:36,867 --> 01:00:38,965
But love interest
is too strong a word.

1051
01:00:38,967 --> 01:00:40,899
I, um... Affection.

1052
01:00:40,901 --> 01:00:42,531
Interest.
Tolerance interest.

1053
01:00:42,533 --> 01:00:44,531
This isn't
going to be ongoing.

1054
01:00:44,533 --> 01:00:46,698
What, you've just decided
that unilaterally?

1055
01:00:46,700 --> 01:00:49,098
- For both our sakes.
- I don't get a say?

1056
01:00:49,100 --> 01:00:51,765
No, you have terrible judgment
in this regard.

1057
01:00:51,767 --> 01:00:54,832
What, but... I...

1058
01:00:54,834 --> 01:00:58,565
My head is finally
clear, thanks to you.

1059
01:00:58,567 --> 01:01:01,164
I mean, I haven't thought about
Keith since the mountain lion.

1060
01:01:01,166 --> 01:01:03,798
So you admit
it was a mountain lion.

1061
01:01:03,800 --> 01:01:06,665
Do you have any idea
how huge this is for me?

1062
01:01:06,667 --> 01:01:08,565
If it's true,
the mountain lion and I

1063
01:01:08,567 --> 01:01:10,965
are happy to have
performed that service.

1064
01:01:10,967 --> 01:01:14,565
But now, apparently, no
good deed goes unpunished.

1065
01:01:14,567 --> 01:01:16,698
I think
I finally have closure.

1066
01:01:16,700 --> 01:01:18,932
I don't trust that statement
and neither should you.

1067
01:01:18,934 --> 01:01:20,565
But you want to.

1068
01:01:20,567 --> 01:01:22,798
You don't just jump from one
love object to another.

1069
01:01:22,800 --> 01:01:24,698
- Tolerance object.
- That's how mistakes are made.

1070
01:01:24,700 --> 01:01:26,465
All I make are mistakes.

1071
01:01:26,467 --> 01:01:27,932
At least this one
would be fun.

1072
01:01:27,934 --> 01:01:29,598
Are you having fun
right now?

1073
01:01:29,600 --> 01:01:32,901
Yes. I mean, we're kind of
arguing, but there's hope.

1074
01:01:34,000 --> 01:01:35,832
This is an interlude.

1075
01:01:35,834 --> 01:01:37,531
A weekend.

1076
01:01:37,533 --> 01:01:40,098
A small oasis of time
in which we can taste intimacy

1077
01:01:40,100 --> 01:01:43,498
like it's a piece of free
salami at Trader Joe's.

1078
01:01:43,500 --> 01:01:46,665
Why not? You're in the store anyway,
and you forgot to eat breakfast,

1079
01:01:46,667 --> 01:01:50,031
and it tastes okay, and afterwards
there's no salami fallout.

1080
01:01:50,033 --> 01:01:53,531
When no one's looking, you just
drop the toothpick onto the floor.

1081
01:01:53,533 --> 01:01:56,232
Man, you're not one of the...
Do you do that?

1082
01:01:56,234 --> 01:01:58,098
Well, there's no garbage
pails in that place,

1083
01:01:58,100 --> 01:02:01,199
and it's unsanitary to put the
toothpick on the receptacle napkin.

1084
01:02:01,201 --> 01:02:03,064
All right,
le... just... Okay.

1085
01:02:03,066 --> 01:02:04,632
Just... I'm just
devil's advocate.

1086
01:02:04,634 --> 01:02:06,732
Maybe...

1087
01:02:06,734 --> 01:02:08,465
just what if, okay?

1088
01:02:08,467 --> 01:02:10,064
What if it's more?

1089
01:02:10,066 --> 01:02:13,031
What if there actually
is something to the idea

1090
01:02:13,033 --> 01:02:14,899
of a destination wedding?

1091
01:02:14,901 --> 01:02:18,531
What if we've been thinking about
this whole thing backwards?

1092
01:02:18,533 --> 01:02:20,698
What if...

1093
01:02:20,700 --> 01:02:25,498
I know, but what if our real
destination was each other?

1094
01:02:25,500 --> 01:02:27,667
What if you
never say that again?

1095
01:02:29,667 --> 01:02:32,665
What if happiness
is... contagious?

1096
01:02:32,667 --> 01:02:34,098
Why would you think
that meeting someone

1097
01:02:34,100 --> 01:02:35,931
has anything to do
with being happy?

1098
01:02:35,933 --> 01:02:37,465
Because!

1099
01:02:37,467 --> 01:02:39,064
Once upon a time,
I met someone,

1100
01:02:39,066 --> 01:02:41,232
and I was happy...
I thought.

1101
01:02:41,234 --> 01:02:43,565
Personally, I'd be worried
if my life philosophy

1102
01:02:43,567 --> 01:02:45,199
began with
"Once Upon a Time."

1103
01:02:45,201 --> 01:02:47,199
Well, I was raised
by optimists.

1104
01:02:47,201 --> 01:02:49,232
But you have a preponderance
of counter-evidence.

1105
01:02:49,234 --> 01:02:51,064
Were you not watching
your own engagement?

1106
01:02:51,066 --> 01:02:53,165
- How could I have been?
- What's wrong with you?

1107
01:02:53,167 --> 01:02:55,832
Nothing. Sometimes I just
willfully reject irony.

1108
01:02:55,834 --> 01:02:57,199
You are doomed.

1109
01:02:57,201 --> 01:02:59,832
Maybe we saved
each other, Frank.

1110
01:02:59,834 --> 01:03:02,031
I mean, did you ever
think about it like that?

1111
01:03:02,033 --> 01:03:04,698
No. Neither should you.

1112
01:03:04,700 --> 01:03:07,531
I wonder how many
people met at weddings

1113
01:03:07,533 --> 01:03:09,931
- and then went on to...
- Thirty-two.

1114
01:03:09,933 --> 01:03:12,832
Why not, you know,
extend the oasis?

1115
01:03:12,834 --> 01:03:15,165
A good day here,
a good day there,

1116
01:03:15,167 --> 01:03:18,498
pretty soon you're just talking
about a couple of good days.

1117
01:03:18,500 --> 01:03:20,498
What time does our flight
land tomorrow night?

1118
01:03:20,500 --> 01:03:22,099
I don't know,
about 7:30?

1119
01:03:22,101 --> 01:03:25,465
I will extend it until
tomorrow at about 7:30.

1120
01:03:25,467 --> 01:03:28,898
Well, there's no point in
extending it another four seconds

1121
01:03:28,900 --> 01:03:31,798
if you're not gonna keep your
mind open to the possibilities.

1122
01:03:31,800 --> 01:03:33,931
Why do people need the
dangled carrot of a future?

1123
01:03:33,933 --> 01:03:35,132
Because we do.

1124
01:03:35,134 --> 01:03:37,099
Because connection
is precious,

1125
01:03:37,101 --> 01:03:39,698
therefore, it is immoral

1126
01:03:39,700 --> 01:03:42,565
to just treat each other
like dalliances,

1127
01:03:42,567 --> 01:03:44,898
even if that's what
we wind up being.

1128
01:03:44,900 --> 01:03:46,864
But that's exactly what
we wind up being.

1129
01:03:46,866 --> 01:03:49,498
Permanence is a myth,
an a... an illusion.

1130
01:03:49,500 --> 01:03:51,598
Well, I didn't say anything
about permanence.

1131
01:03:51,600 --> 01:03:55,465
I was speaking of a slightly
lengthier temporariness.

1132
01:03:55,467 --> 01:03:56,632
What's the point?

1133
01:03:56,634 --> 01:03:58,598
I just told you
what the point was.

1134
01:03:58,600 --> 01:04:01,698
But when it's over, you're
right back at square zero.

1135
01:04:01,700 --> 01:04:03,732
I will not
keep my mind open.

1136
01:04:03,734 --> 01:04:05,698
Well, then
just keep it open

1137
01:04:05,700 --> 01:04:08,065
to the possibility
of keeping it open.

1138
01:04:08,067 --> 01:04:09,067
No.

1139
01:04:10,533 --> 01:04:11,998
Really?

1140
01:04:12,000 --> 01:04:16,665
Oh, wow. That's... I...
I'm almost, I'm almost...

1141
01:04:16,667 --> 01:04:18,632
You know what,
if you can't or won't,

1142
01:04:18,634 --> 01:04:20,964
then you simply
can't or won't.

1143
01:04:20,966 --> 01:04:22,931
- That's my blanket.
- "That's my blanket."

1144
01:04:22,933 --> 01:04:24,798
You might want to shake out
the Pringle fragments.

1145
01:04:24,800 --> 01:04:26,498
"You might want to shake out
the Pringle fragments."

1146
01:04:26,500 --> 01:04:27,698
If you want to leave,
just say so.

1147
01:04:27,700 --> 01:04:29,798
- I very much want to leave.
- Say it again.

1148
01:04:29,800 --> 01:04:31,732
You debate like a child.

1149
01:04:31,734 --> 01:04:33,732
You eat like a raccoon.

1150
01:04:33,734 --> 01:04:35,134
You're fucking up.

1151
01:04:40,067 --> 01:04:41,831
How about
if I keep my mind open

1152
01:04:41,833 --> 01:04:43,864
to the possibility
of keeping my mind open

1153
01:04:43,866 --> 01:04:46,567
to the possibility
of keeping my mind open?

1154
01:04:47,833 --> 01:04:51,065
That is just one metalevel
too removed.

1155
01:04:51,067 --> 01:04:52,999
Come on.

1156
01:04:53,001 --> 01:04:54,467
Get back into bed.

1157
01:04:55,966 --> 01:04:58,500
Let's find out who the
nephrologist is sleeping with.

1158
01:05:00,001 --> 01:05:01,931
Fine.

1159
01:05:01,933 --> 01:05:04,465
But only until
the next commercial break.

1160
01:05:04,467 --> 01:05:06,999
And with no sexual reprise.

1161
01:05:07,001 --> 01:05:11,999
And only because I <i>do</i> want to know who
the nephrologist is sleeping with.

1162
01:05:12,001 --> 01:05:13,531
Okay.

1163
01:05:16,900 --> 01:05:21,099
<i>When I look at
you, I don't see smallpox.</i>

1164
01:05:21,101 --> 01:05:22,498
And it's "re-prize."

1165
01:05:22,500 --> 01:05:23,665
It's "re-preeze."

1166
01:05:23,667 --> 01:05:26,467
- "Re-prize."
- It's... "re-preeze."

1167
01:06:56,234 --> 01:06:58,032
Jesus,
is it Kristallnacht?

1168
01:06:58,034 --> 01:06:59,598
Oh, it's housekeeping.

1169
01:06:59,600 --> 01:07:01,598
They're not going to
get that reference.

1170
01:07:02,733 --> 01:07:04,632
<i>Mas retardos!</i>

1171
01:07:04,634 --> 01:07:08,666
Ah...

1172
01:07:09,901 --> 01:07:14,099
Oh... You shouldn't be in here.

1173
01:07:14,101 --> 01:07:15,731
This is my room.

1174
01:07:15,733 --> 01:07:17,165
Then I shouldn't be
in here.

1175
01:07:17,167 --> 01:07:19,797
Okay.

1176
01:07:19,799 --> 01:07:21,865
How did I wind up
in this position?

1177
01:07:21,867 --> 01:07:23,664
You made some
poor life choices.

1178
01:07:23,666 --> 01:07:26,465
No, in this position.
I'm half off the bed.

1179
01:07:26,467 --> 01:07:28,865
Why is my nose bleeding?

1180
01:07:28,867 --> 01:07:31,697
I think I have a spinal injury.

1181
01:07:31,699 --> 01:07:33,598
You feel pregnant?

1182
01:07:33,600 --> 01:07:34,865
I wouldn't know.

1183
01:07:34,867 --> 01:07:36,598
What's your gut say?

1184
01:07:36,600 --> 01:07:38,032
What it always says.

1185
01:07:38,034 --> 01:07:39,965
"Don't listen to me."

1186
01:07:39,967 --> 01:07:41,999
But if you did listen?

1187
01:07:42,001 --> 01:07:44,598
I don't feel any different,
if that's what you mean.

1188
01:07:44,600 --> 01:07:47,465
- Good.
- How is that good?

1189
01:07:47,467 --> 01:07:51,165
Why would you want me to perpetuate
my general circumstances?

1190
01:07:51,167 --> 01:07:53,199
You can do anything you want
with your circumstances.

1191
01:07:53,201 --> 01:07:55,032
I was thinking
of my circumstances.

1192
01:07:55,034 --> 01:07:56,932
Which are so wonderful.

1193
01:07:56,934 --> 01:07:58,697
We shouldn't have spent
the night together.

1194
01:07:58,699 --> 01:07:59,999
You wouldn't let me leave.

1195
01:08:00,001 --> 01:08:01,999
I didn't want it to end
on a bad note.

1196
01:08:02,001 --> 01:08:03,232
Also,
you're in the next room.

1197
01:08:03,234 --> 01:08:05,132
It would have been
spectacularly awkward.

1198
01:08:05,134 --> 01:08:06,600
As opposed to this.

1199
01:08:07,867 --> 01:08:11,132
We tried, okay?
We did.

1200
01:08:11,134 --> 01:08:14,697
But at some point there's just not
enough optimism left inside a person

1201
01:08:14,699 --> 01:08:17,565
to sustain something
like this, you know?

1202
01:08:17,567 --> 01:08:20,032
You broken preacher,
me broken choir.

1203
01:08:20,034 --> 01:08:22,697
I think it's important we recognize
that and verbalize it openly,

1204
01:08:22,699 --> 01:08:24,731
so as to avoid
any discomfort.

1205
01:08:24,733 --> 01:08:27,565
Oh. Mission accomplished.

1206
01:08:27,567 --> 01:08:28,834
Good.

1207
01:08:33,967 --> 01:08:36,498
Do you have everything?

1208
01:08:36,500 --> 01:08:39,132
Oh, um... Yeah.

1209
01:08:39,134 --> 01:08:42,099
I think, uh, my...

1210
01:08:42,101 --> 01:08:44,731
Can we still hang together
at the farewell brunch?

1211
01:08:44,733 --> 01:08:46,531
Uh, who else
am I gonna hang with?

1212
01:08:46,533 --> 01:08:48,664
Although I suppose
I could hang with myself.

1213
01:08:48,666 --> 01:08:53,065
Well, I'm going to shove some tissues
up my nostrils and take a shower.

1214
01:08:53,067 --> 01:08:55,101
Sounds like
good-bye to me.

1215
01:09:11,201 --> 01:09:14,099
Well, what do you think, about
time we head to the airport?

1216
01:09:14,101 --> 01:09:15,564
It's really close.

1217
01:09:15,566 --> 01:09:16,932
Fifteen minutes.

1218
01:09:16,934 --> 01:09:19,899
- Well, our flight's not for...
- Five hours.

1219
01:09:19,901 --> 01:09:22,099
- There could be traffic.
- Why take chances?

1220
01:09:22,101 --> 01:09:23,934
Then we should just
say our good-byes.

1221
01:09:25,734 --> 01:09:26,867
Good-bye.

1222
01:09:30,901 --> 01:09:32,564
Want your farewell gift?

1223
01:09:32,566 --> 01:09:35,167
The farewell is my gift,
but please, take mine.

1224
01:09:52,134 --> 01:09:54,664
Who was San Luis Obispo,
anyway?

1225
01:09:54,666 --> 01:09:57,065
And what the fuck did he do
to become a saint?

1226
01:09:57,067 --> 01:09:59,865
Thirteenth Century Bishop
of Toulouse.

1227
01:09:59,867 --> 01:10:03,597
Served the poor, left the
Church, and died of typhus.

1228
01:10:03,599 --> 01:10:05,199
That's all it takes?

1229
01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:06,832
It was in
the welcome basket.

1230
01:10:06,834 --> 01:10:09,564
Why would you canonize a guy
who left the Church?

1231
01:10:09,566 --> 01:10:12,798
Why look to France when you're
naming a city in California?

1232
01:10:12,800 --> 01:10:14,965
And what the fuck happened
with the urban planning here?

1233
01:10:14,967 --> 01:10:17,798
- At some point, did they just give up?
- Right.

1234
01:10:17,800 --> 01:10:20,631
On the off, off chance
that I ever have a wedding,

1235
01:10:20,633 --> 01:10:24,065
I would never make
anyone travel to it.

1236
01:10:24,067 --> 01:10:26,134
I don't think you'll have
to worry about that.

1237
01:10:32,633 --> 01:10:34,134
Because you're
a decent person.

1238
01:10:36,001 --> 01:10:38,132
Not because
you won't get married.

1239
01:10:38,134 --> 01:10:39,499
Oh, come on.

1240
01:10:52,599 --> 01:10:54,599
Why do we live, Frank?

1241
01:10:55,234 --> 01:10:57,464
Oh, Jesus Christ.

1242
01:10:57,466 --> 01:10:59,698
I'm serious.

1243
01:10:59,700 --> 01:11:02,564
The work we do isn't
meaningful in any great sense.

1244
01:11:02,566 --> 01:11:05,530
The connections we make
invariably fall to ruin.

1245
01:11:05,532 --> 01:11:08,165
Everything we build
burns to the ground.

1246
01:11:08,167 --> 01:11:11,698
Meaning is a myth, like you've
said, so why do we live?

1247
01:11:11,700 --> 01:11:14,632
I was so enjoying
the silence.

1248
01:11:14,634 --> 01:11:18,999
It has to be that the myth
isn't a myth for everyone.

1249
01:11:19,001 --> 01:11:22,065
Well, it's certainly a myth
for those two. Look at them.

1250
01:11:22,067 --> 01:11:24,899
They'd rather burst into flames
than to fuck each other.

1251
01:11:24,901 --> 01:11:27,865
- You don't know that.
- Oh, yes, I do.

1252
01:11:27,867 --> 01:11:33,564
It's possible that within the
myth, there's a sliver of truth,

1253
01:11:33,566 --> 01:11:36,232
and you have to believe
in that sliver wholeheartedly,

1254
01:11:36,234 --> 01:11:39,564
come what may,
despite the rational mind,

1255
01:11:39,566 --> 01:11:43,099
because if you...
if you don't,

1256
01:11:43,101 --> 01:11:45,899
the myth just reveals
itself to be a myth,

1257
01:11:45,901 --> 01:11:49,632
and meaninglessness becomes
a self-fulfilling prophecy.

1258
01:11:49,634 --> 01:11:54,698
Try as I might, I cannot get
behind wine in screw-top bottles.

1259
01:11:54,700 --> 01:11:58,530
Also, you have to encourage
others to believe in the myth.

1260
01:11:58,532 --> 01:12:00,732
Because if they believe,
they can do anything.

1261
01:12:00,734 --> 01:12:03,832
They can laugh,
cry, hope,

1262
01:12:03,834 --> 01:12:06,032
vote, get married.

1263
01:12:06,034 --> 01:12:08,999
But if they don't, they can't
do anything, I mean not really,

1264
01:12:09,001 --> 01:12:13,632
except make themselves as shallowly
happy and comfortable as possible.

1265
01:12:13,634 --> 01:12:16,865
Which is just vanity,
let's face it.

1266
01:12:16,867 --> 01:12:19,865
For me,
wine in a screw-top

1267
01:12:19,867 --> 01:12:22,767
will always carry the
stench of chintziness.

1268
01:12:24,767 --> 01:12:28,099
What if we're
falling in love?

1269
01:12:28,101 --> 01:12:30,932
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not a big fan of cork.

1270
01:12:30,934 --> 01:12:33,232
You ever see it on a wall or
in the heels of an espadrille?

1271
01:12:33,234 --> 01:12:34,732
Ridiculous.

1272
01:12:34,734 --> 01:12:38,765
But for wine, it conveys
a certain necessary élan.

1273
01:12:38,767 --> 01:12:40,865
What if love
comes for everyone?

1274
01:12:40,867 --> 01:12:42,932
Don't be absurd.

1275
01:12:42,934 --> 01:12:46,531
What if no one is immune,
not even us?

1276
01:12:46,533 --> 01:12:47,600
Stop it.

1277
01:12:49,834 --> 01:12:52,765
It would be remiss
not to embrace the miracle.

1278
01:12:52,767 --> 01:12:55,032
What happened between us
was not a miracle.

1279
01:12:55,034 --> 01:12:57,065
It was actually much closer
to a debacle.

1280
01:12:57,067 --> 01:12:59,132
- Maybe that's what you meant.
- Oh, come on.

1281
01:12:59,134 --> 01:13:00,865
You don't find it miraculous

1282
01:13:00,867 --> 01:13:03,765
that two people like us
forged any kind of bond?

1283
01:13:03,767 --> 01:13:06,565
I find it "debaculous."

1284
01:13:06,567 --> 01:13:08,232
It was a miracle.

1285
01:13:08,234 --> 01:13:10,999
It required forever
being seated together.

1286
01:13:11,001 --> 01:13:14,565
It required an adjoining door
and a near-death experience.

1287
01:13:14,567 --> 01:13:16,199
What are you waiting for,
a burning bush?

1288
01:13:16,201 --> 01:13:18,932
I can't believe you're
bringing this up again.

1289
01:13:18,934 --> 01:13:20,698
I thought we had
an understanding.

1290
01:13:20,700 --> 01:13:22,999
We had come
to an agreement.

1291
01:13:23,001 --> 01:13:25,732
We're less than an hour away
from parting as friends.

1292
01:13:25,734 --> 01:13:27,498
Okay, but deep down,

1293
01:13:27,500 --> 01:13:30,464
in your broken,
miserable gut,

1294
01:13:30,466 --> 01:13:33,665
don't you want something
that's pure

1295
01:13:33,667 --> 01:13:36,132
and in its own grotesque
way, beautiful?

1296
01:13:36,134 --> 01:13:38,099
No.

1297
01:13:38,101 --> 01:13:41,832
Don't you want to secretly
have a romantic life

1298
01:13:41,834 --> 01:13:45,065
that confirms your hopes
instead of your cynicism?

1299
01:13:45,067 --> 01:13:46,598
No.

1300
01:13:46,600 --> 01:13:48,598
Don't you want to believe
that things like this

1301
01:13:48,600 --> 01:13:49,965
actually do happen?

1302
01:13:49,967 --> 01:13:51,932
Nope. I'm fond
of my cynicism.

1303
01:13:51,934 --> 01:13:54,132
It's very comfortable.

1304
01:13:54,134 --> 01:13:56,665
- Like a warm blanket of your own shit.
- Yes. Yes.

1305
01:13:56,667 --> 01:13:58,632
I'm very comfortable
and warm

1306
01:13:58,634 --> 01:14:01,134
in my fucking warm blanket
of fucking shit.

1307
01:14:05,067 --> 01:14:07,565
But what if
we're falling in love?

1308
01:14:07,567 --> 01:14:08,832
Dear God...

1309
01:14:08,834 --> 01:14:11,632
I mean, what if this
is what it's like?

1310
01:14:11,634 --> 01:14:13,465
It would end
in disaster.

1311
01:14:13,467 --> 01:14:14,832
- What if it didn't?
- It would.

1312
01:14:14,834 --> 01:14:16,634
- I know.
- Good.

1313
01:14:19,567 --> 01:14:21,765
- But...
- Stop.

1314
01:14:21,767 --> 01:14:23,134
- Ah...
- Stop.

1315
01:14:24,634 --> 01:14:27,632
But...

1316
01:14:34,834 --> 01:14:36,600
Oh!

1317
01:14:40,700 --> 01:14:42,665
This is not funny. Don't
laugh at me, please.

1318
01:14:42,667 --> 01:14:45,165
I'm laughing
out of affection.

1319
01:14:45,167 --> 01:14:47,132
No one laughs at another
person out of affection.

1320
01:14:47,134 --> 01:14:49,032
You laugh at another
person out of contempt.

1321
01:14:49,034 --> 01:14:51,132
No. I'm laughing
'cause it's cute.

1322
01:14:51,134 --> 01:14:52,665
- It is?
- Yes.

1323
01:14:52,667 --> 01:14:54,465
But, fine,
I'll stop laughing.

1324
01:14:54,467 --> 01:14:55,467
Thank you.

1325
01:15:00,567 --> 01:15:02,099
- Frank?
- Yes?

1326
01:15:02,101 --> 01:15:05,198
Don't you, like,
have an instinct about me?

1327
01:15:05,200 --> 01:15:06,467
Nope.

1328
01:15:08,101 --> 01:15:10,798
I think you do.

1329
01:15:10,800 --> 01:15:13,598
You're the one who said
your gut can't be trusted.

1330
01:15:13,600 --> 01:15:14,965
That's true.

1331
01:15:14,967 --> 01:15:17,531
For a long time,
it's been a lying bitch.

1332
01:15:17,533 --> 01:15:19,698
But I would have been willing
to give it another shot.

1333
01:15:19,700 --> 01:15:21,698
Why? I mean, how much shit
has to fall on your head

1334
01:15:21,700 --> 01:15:23,531
before you start
wearing a hat?

1335
01:15:23,533 --> 01:15:26,732
You can't die from jumping
out of a basement window.

1336
01:15:26,734 --> 01:15:29,467
Of course you can. You can hit
your head on a pipe or something.

1337
01:15:32,834 --> 01:15:34,999
You're going to wish you
embraced the miracle, Frank.

1338
01:15:35,001 --> 01:15:36,600
You're gonna wish you had.

1339
01:16:15,734 --> 01:16:18,164
How are your pants,
John Wayne Bobbitt?

1340
01:16:18,166 --> 01:16:20,133
Sticky.

1341
01:16:27,500 --> 01:16:30,465
We shouldn't exchange
contact information.

1342
01:16:30,467 --> 01:16:32,032
There's no point.

1343
01:16:32,034 --> 01:16:33,600
I think
I just said that.

1344
01:16:35,133 --> 01:16:37,732
It was very nice
to meet you.

1345
01:16:37,734 --> 01:16:39,867
It was very nice
to meet you too.

1346
01:16:46,500 --> 01:16:48,164
I know what
you're going to say...

1347
01:16:48,166 --> 01:16:50,932
- "It's not you, it's me."
- No, it's you.

1348
01:16:50,934 --> 01:16:53,231
It's me.

1349
01:16:53,233 --> 01:16:54,698
Yeah.
I know.

1350
01:16:54,700 --> 01:16:56,965
- It's you.
- I... Yep.

1351
01:17:12,967 --> 01:17:14,467
I liked the bow
though.

1352
01:17:29,166 --> 01:17:32,198
Why didn't we meet
seven years ago, Frank?

1353
01:17:32,200 --> 01:17:33,767
Just lucky, I guess.

1354
01:17:38,066 --> 01:17:41,198
14 Catalina Drive,
Newport Beach, please?

1355
01:17:41,200 --> 01:17:43,798
What are you doing?
Don't give your exact address.

1356
01:17:43,800 --> 01:17:45,166
You don't know
who the driver is.

1357
01:17:46,734 --> 01:17:48,798
Thank you for caring.

1358
01:17:48,800 --> 01:17:50,667
I don't. I would've
said the same to anyone.

1359
01:17:52,667 --> 01:17:54,665
We're holding up
the line, Frank.

1360
01:17:54,667 --> 01:17:56,467
There are other people
in the world.

1361
01:17:57,533 --> 01:17:58,867
There are?

1362
01:18:39,234 --> 01:18:41,033
Do you have a whistle?

1363
01:18:55,867 --> 01:18:57,632
<i>And then taxation.</i>

1364
01:18:57,634 --> 01:19:00,632
<i>We get shut down
every single time by your...</i>

1365
01:19:00,634 --> 01:19:02,798
<i>- Idea you have so far.
- No, no, no.</i>

1366
01:19:02,800 --> 01:19:04,165
<i>Can I speak?
Can I speak?</i>

1367
01:19:04,167 --> 01:19:05,199
<i>- Please.
- Because of your...</i>

1368
01:19:05,201 --> 01:19:06,299
<i>- Hold on. Hold on.
- That's what I...</i>

1369
01:19:06,301 --> 01:19:08,865
<i>- Just wait a second, all right?
- I'm working on it.</i>

1370
01:19:11,100 --> 01:19:13,765
<i>It's the guys who
stand by in all their philosophies</i>

1371
01:19:13,767 --> 01:19:16,531
<i>and all their ideas and
everything that they represent.</i>

1372
01:19:16,533 --> 01:19:18,132
<i>They're talking about
the silent majority.</i>

1373
01:19:18,134 --> 01:19:20,465
<i>I don't know.
I mean, listen,</i>

1374
01:19:20,467 --> 01:19:22,798
<i>- if you look at the facts again...
- Hold on.</i>

1375
01:19:22,800 --> 01:19:24,698
<i>They're having a sidebar here.
Hold on.</i>

1376
01:19:24,700 --> 01:19:27,098
<i>How can we even bring
that up at this point?</i>

1377
01:19:27,100 --> 01:19:28,765
<i>- But what fact?
- In the media.</i>

1378
01:19:28,767 --> 01:19:29,964
<i>You're not getting paid here.</i>

1379
01:19:29,966 --> 01:19:32,232
<i>You have got to look
at what your guy did too.</i>

1380
01:19:32,234 --> 01:19:33,798
<i>Oh, really?
There it is again.</i>

1381
01:19:33,800 --> 01:19:35,498
<i>There's the same thing
right there.</i>

1382
01:19:35,500 --> 01:19:37,865
<i>It's the same response
for the other side. Yeah.</i>

1383
01:19:37,867 --> 01:19:40,732
<i>Yeah, but never mind
because your guy was worse...</i>

1384
01:21:26,806 --> 01:21:31,801
Subtitles by explosiveskull