Anon Cons Equestria II

Anon Cons Equestria continues here. If you haven't read it already, the first part is here: http://pastebin.com/Jkf74FxJ

>You stand before the crowded room, Prime Minister Kamehameha beside you, Sergeant Private Peep loitering somewhere in the background as your personal body guard
>This is the United Nations general assembly room. You, Sovereign Party Prince Anonymous, are about to address the collective representatives of the entire world. Several global leaders even turned up to witness this first hand.
>You also decided to add "Party" to your title to help let other people know what you're all about.
>To say you're nervous about this would be a bit of an understatement
>You squint at the representatives, all of them eagerly awaiting your speech
>The fact that the US recognised your independence set the global media into a frenzy. The fact that you then completely disappeared for a week afterwards led to a massive speculation. With everything from "assassinated by the government" to "abducted by aliens".
>What was it you should do in interviews to stop feeling nervous? Imagine everyone is naked? Or was it get naked?
>You're not sure, and it's probably not worth the risk.
>That can be plan B for if you really start messing up
>You've become something of a global hero, with almost every person on the planet cheering you on. The last week's TV has been almost nothing but documentaries about Thislandia. There's not much content.
>A dozen translators stand ready, and the world holds its breath as you clear your throat.
"Ladies, and gentlemen. Boys and girls. Guys and Gals. Men and women. Dames and dudes..."
>Shit. You thought of a load of these earlier, but your mind's blank
"...assorted others. I stand before you today. I stand you up today. I stand among you today. Today, I stand by, with and for you."
>You pause to give the translators time to catch up
"But enough of that. I'm here to thank you. Each one of the countries you represent has recognised the sovereignty of Thislandia, allowing me to take the first step toward fulfilling my humble dream of becoming a global superpower."
>You smile, and there are chuckles and laughs from the room
"We, as a nation, have weathered a terrible storm."
>You address the President of the United States, who's sat off to one side. He frowns at you, not sure he likes where this is going
"Though Thislandia and the US were at war, I believe that we only truly destroy our enemies when we make them our friends. Or, if you have access to a large stockpile of thermonuclear weapons. Since we don't have the latter, we have to rely instead on the former. That's why, on behalf of both Thislandians, I offer you our sincerest apologies for the conflict between our nations. We hope you find it in your hearts to forgive us. We know if you asked for it, we'd forgive you."
>The President smiles and nods, obviously preferring this angle
"It is in the interest of this goodwill that I offer to the President of the United States a collection of art produced by a Thislandian native. Here is the prize piece of the collection."
>As you say that, Prime Minister Kamehamaha levitates a large, framed drawing over to the President
>You asked the Honourguard to make some art for you, and gave it a load of craft supplies.
>It obviously had no idea what to make, so it produced, amongst other things, a photo-realistic drawing of a stain on your carpet; a set of impressionist watercolours of various things it found down the back of your couch and a pasta picture of a car and a tree.
>The framed drawing is another photo-realistic one, this time of part of the wall of the living room, your shoulder in one corner. The president smiles and says something, but you don't hear what
"We can make more art if anyone wants to buy it. The Thislandian artist responsible also does commissions."
>You wipe the smile off you face, taking a more serious tone as you continue.
"While we are thankful for what we have, there are still many things that Thislandia needs. First and foremost, it is with great sadness that I read the Declaration of Human Rights last night, and found that there is no mention of sentient statues controlled by an ancient hivemind."
>You scan the room, your face full of hurt and pain
"Greater than or equal to half of the population of Thislandia is an ancient hivemind controlling a network of statues. It shocks me greatly to know that such a large part of Thislandia is NOT offered the same basic rights as I, a human, am."
>There are sympathetic nods from around the room
"That's why I'm proposing a change to the Declaration of Human Rights so that it also includes sentient statues controlled by a hivemind!"
>You throw a fist into the air, and the room burst into applause. You imagine that all this nonsense is the most fun all these representatives have had in a long time
>Also, it's all fairly harmless. So far.
"I... I actually don't know how to do that. I don't really know how the UN works, so if someone could just give me a quick tour or something after this, I'd really appreciate that."
>More smiles and chuckles from the room
"With that, my speech has- oh, no. There was one other thing."
>You clear your throat again
>This is the difficult part
>If you sell it too hard, you risk them getting suspicious. Hopefully the statue thing will have relaxed them a bit
"Currently all of Thislandia's food is imported from the US. I actually drive over to Walmart and buy it myself. But import laws are throttling my country's ability to provide food for half of its population! On top of that, many consumer electronics are actually imported from further afield. As such, I would also like to propose that, in addition to changing the Human Rights thing, all countries pass acts to stop the tax on goods imported and exported by Thislandia."
>You nervously scan the room
>There are a lot of nodding heads. Awesome.
>Time to wrap this up
"Well, as they say in showbiz, always end on a song.
>You take a deep breath, and nod at Prime Minister Kamehameha, who hits play on a boombox
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L53gjP-TtGE [Embed]
>As the music starts, you stare at the crowd, nodding your head in time to the music
"I'm living in the twenty-first century, doing something mean to it..."

>The song goes great
>You get all the delegates on their feet, clapping their hands over their heads. You're pretty sure most of them have no idea what the lyrics are about as the translators all rush to keep up, but that's not important.
>This is a bonding experience, and everyone's having fun
>As the music ends, you bow your head and raise a single fist
>The room erupts into applause, and you smugly observe the cheering audience.
>Looks like you didn't even need to get naked to get those tax agreements.

~

>Things have been going great.
>After the entire planet declared your little nation to be a Free Trade Zone, business has been booming.
>Presumably there was a breakdown in communications since the powers seemed completely shocked when you began exporting vast amounts of oil, timber, gold, jewels, copper and rare spices.
>Per capita, Thislandia has the highest GDP in the world
>That's mainly due to only have two citizens, though.
>It's also a massive help that Prime Minister Kamehameha is an ice cold negotiator.
>Actually, he had a meeting today with a potential trade partner.
>You wonder how he's getting on

***

>"Well, I've looked over the accounts, and the most I can offer is $75 dollars a ton, with a potential raise to $80 after a year of good supply."
>Prime Minister Kamehameha doesn't respond
>The suited man shifts uncomfortably
>"It's a good offer, and a fair one, I feel, given your nation's youth."
>The statue still doesn't move
>"Well... I suppose we could start at $85, then up it to $90. A generous fee, I'm sure you'll agree."
>A single bead of sweat rolls down the man's face
>"D-do you agree?"
>The man fidgets even more, before throwing his hand up in exasperation
>"Alright! Ok, fine! $100 per ton. That' my final offer, I really can't-"
>He trails off at Kamehameha's stoney gaze
>The man sags
>"$115 dollars per ton. Now I really can't go any higher, that's the price we pay our special, long-standing customers, and only for the finest steel, even then."
>He pats at his brow with a handkerchief, beseechingly looking for some response from the statue
>"Is that good?! Please! Just say something! Tell me what you want! You want $125?"
>The man gives a choked sob, the last remnants of his composure vanishing as he falls out of his chair at the Prime Minister's feet
>"Do something, anything! $150! $175! $200! Please!"
>The man gasps as Kamehameha gives a single nod, giving a cry of relief

***

>You're sure the Prime Minister's doing fine.
>Either way, things have been chugging along nicely back on Earth since you made your address to the general assembly a week ago.
>Here, on the other hand, the ponies are struggling to keep up with your business plans
>The EEC has already bought another pair of boats and the crew to go with them. On top of that, you've bought a flying freight chariot, pulled by pegasi
>Yep, the East Equestria Company is growing fast.
>But it's not fast enough.
"...and you trade the figs at Istanbull for a 15% mark-up. The sultan will take the truffles for 3,000 bits a kilo. Then, they need to buy three dozen reels of silk at 27 bits a roll, a dozen barrels of-"
>"Wait, wait!"
>Gold leaf frantically scribbles
>You sigh
"What is it this time?"
>"Where did the figs come from?"
>You tap a finger against your desk impatiently
"On the way to Istanbull, the ship has to stop off at Casablanca to resupply. There, it'll sell half of its cargo of ivory for a 150% mark-up. The King's wife loves the stuff, or so I hear."
>"And they buy the figs in Mareocco?"
>You groan
"No, Leaf, keep up. They buy a cargo hold full of rugs, which they sell in Palma, and buy eggs. They sell the eggs a day later in Malta and pick up lapis lazuli and indigo. Then it's Athens for wine, Cyprus for prunes and Alexandria for relics. They leave the wine and indigo in Alexandria, where it's picked up by our chariot, which I'm sure you remember already has a cargo of truffles, coffee and soy."
>Leaf shakes her head, struggling to write all this down
"Then, the chariot flies to Istanbull where it sells everything and buys all the figs in the city."
>Your aide's face wrinkles in absolute confusion
>"Wait, I thought you were selling the figs in Istanbull!"
>You close your eyes, nursing your temple
"Jesus Christ, Leaf, I'm getting to the figs! So the chariot leaves the figs in our warehouse, and buys salt, which it flies up to Petrograd. Meanwhile, the ship's gone back to Malta for more eggs..."
"...then the ship sells the mercury to the Istanbull hospital- terrible idea, incidentally -and it picks up the figs. The ship sells the figs in Tel Aviv, before..."
>Leaf is completely frazzled
>Typical pony. No head for business. It really reflects badly on their education system.
>She barely keeps up as you finish your explanation.
"...and then, to finally answer your question, when the ship is back in Mareocco, it picks up a full cargo of the cheapest figs they have. So you see, Leaf, if you'd just taken a second to think about it instead of flapping your gums, you'd have seen exactly where the figs came from."
>Leaf looks take aback
>"But... but /why/, Anon? Why do you buy figs in Istanbull, only to sell them in Tel Aviv before buying more figs to sell back to Istanbull?"
>You sigh
"It's simple business, Leaf; always chase the profit. Besides, figs are significantly cheaper in Mareocco. We can sell them to the vendors of Istanbull at a 15% mark-up and still sell them for less than we bought the last load for. They'll think they're buying back their original produce, so they'll snap it right back up."
>"But... but why not just buy figs in Mareocco the first time you go past?"
>You roll your eyes
"Because, Leaf, how would-"
>You freeze
>Holy shit. She's onto something!
"Leaf! You're a genius! Cross all that out!"
>She tears out four pages of her notebook, smiling as she does so
"Ok, so we buy the figs in Mareocco, then sell them in Lisbon for a 17% markup, where we pick a load of sulphur which we pawn off to...
>Leaf's eye twitches as you continue, and she stares at you blankly
>You break your stream of mercantile commands to give her a pat on the back
"Write this down Leaf. This one's gonna be even more complicated than before!"
>Leaf just gives a tiny pitiful squeak.
>No wonder the EEC isn't growing as quick as it should be.
>There's not a single sensible employee in the entire company

~

>Celestia looks amazing.
>When you suggested the two of you go to the fancy dress party as Shrek and Donkey, she hadn't seemed too into it
>Now, though, she's fully committed with some kind of magical disguise
>She's a perfect replica of the character
"Wow, Donkey! I was supposed to be meeting Celestia here, but she clearly-"
>"What are you wearing, Anon?"
>Celestia isn't doing Donkey's voice, she's just speaking normally.
>It's disappointing, you were looking forward to a little Eddie Murphy action
>Eugh. Not in that way though.
"This?"
>You glance down at your costume
>Well. It's not really a costume. Just your usual clothes with a blank, paper-plate mask
"It's my outfit."
>Celestia narrows her eyes at you, her voice dangerously calm
>"I thought you were going to go as Shrek, Anon. We were going to go in matching costumes."
"Oh, yeah."
>You wave a hand vaguely
"I decided against it. I thought to myself: I'm /the/ Anonymous. If I arrive in an ogre costume, what does that say about me?"
>Celestia's face goes blank
"Painting myself green, putting on a silly voice. It's just undignified, you know?"
>One of her eyes twitches
"So I thought, what can I wear? In the end, I just made a paper-plate mask."
>"A... a paper plate mask?"
>You nod
>"You're telling me I crafted this illusion spell for nothing?"
"Sorry. I'm sure it'll come in handy though, in case you ever want to look like a donkey for any other reason."
>You grin innocently at Celestia, who looks like she's about to blow a fuse
>"Why would I ever want to look like a donkey?!"
>You fake shock
"Whatever do you mean, Celestia? What's wrong with looking like a donkey?"
>She instantly realises her mistake
>"I mean, it's not there's anything wrong with-"
"You're a donkey racist!"
>Celestia gasps
>"No, no! I was just... it took a long time to make this!"
>You shrug
"I mean, it doesn't upset me. But just don't spew any anti-donkey rhetoric while we're in public."
>"I've never said anything anti-donkey!"
"You said it implicitly."
>"What does that even-"
"No fear!"
>You cut her off as, with a flourish, you produce another paper plate mask
"I knew you wanted to go in matching outfits. I just didn't know you were racist."
>Celestia stares at the blank mask in disappointment
>"What is this even supposed to be?"
"It's a blank paper plate mask."
>Celestia sighs in exasperation
>"Fine. I'll go in that."
>She dispels the Donkey illusion, but doesn't look impressed as she slips the mask on
"You look beautiful as ever."
>Celestia still looks grumpy
"You know, to look at you, I'd never guess you were a hate-filled racist."
>Celestia doesn't even justify that with a response
"Alrighty. Let's go."

>The party's pretty decent
>Not amazing, but good
>A solid six, but mainly because of the free wine
>There are a load of ponies here, including some of the Ponyville gang
>You sidle over to Applejack, who's dressed as an apple
>Probably took her a good few hours to come up with the amazing idea of putting on a massive red costume and sticking a cardboard leaf to her head
"Hey there, Applejack!"
>She beams at you
>"Howdy, Anon! Enjoying the party?"
>Not particularly
"Yeah, but I was just trying to work out what your costume was."
>She grins
>"C'mon, ain't that hard to guess! What's red?"
>You think carefully
"A fire-engine?"
>"Nuh-uh."
"A fire-hydrant?"
>"Nope."
"A fire?"
>She guffaws
>"Want another hint? You can eat it!"
>You act like it's just dawned on you
"Oh, duh! A popular, red fruit, is it?"
>She nods
"Haha, I should have guessed. I just didn't know you were such a fan of cherries."
>Applejack's eyes bulge out
>You should have said that after she took a drink. Guaranteed spit-take
>"I-I ain't a cherry, Anon, but I reckon you're getting close."
>You narrow your eyes, and scrunch up your face
"A pear?"
>Applejack rears back like you just slapped her
>"How dare you, Anon?!"
>You chuckle
"I'm only teasing, Applejack."
>Once she calms down you give her a big pat on the back
"I'd recognise a banana outfit like that anywhere."
>Applejack stares at you in disbelief
>"No, Anon. I'm an apple."
>You nod
"Yeah, and what costume are you wearing?"
>"No, I mean my costume's an apple."
"Oh!" You slap a hand to your forehead. "Duh, it's so obvious! A big, red outfit like that!"
>Applejack chuckles
>"I betcha feel a little silly now, huh?"
>You nod
"It's a great Big Mac outfit."
>Applejack's face falls again
>"It's an apple outfit, Anon!"
"Yeah, I get it. It's clever."
>"No, I mean the outfit is an apple! Like the kind you eat!"
"The kind you eat?"
>She nods
>"Like the kind that grow on trees!"
>You stare at her in confusion
"You've got a weird family, 'Jack. I'm sure that's not normal."
>For the nth time tonight, a pony groans at you in exasperation

>After a couple of hours, the party starts to wind down
>You were expecting to have a real great time, but it's actually been pretty disappointing
>Not a fancy masked ball or anything, and most of the costumes are pretty shit
>You'll have to throw an EEC party. A real fancy deal, spend a fortune on it.
>But never mind that right now. It's time to reveal to the ponies the real reason you're wearing the paper-plate mask
>Standing on the stage, you quickly draw the ponies attention, due mainly to the fact that most ponies still see you as some kind of exotic, business genius representing Super-President Finkle D. Finklefinkle
>It probably helps that you keep waving your arms and shouting for quiet, but you tell yourself it's mainly their respect for you that has the partygoers' rapt attention
"Hello, Chicago!"
>You throw a fist in the air, and the ponies all cheer, not sure what Chicago is but taking a cue from your tone
>Seriously, it's like talking to a pet dog or something
>You could say any old shit, and as long as it was in a positive tone of voice, they'd all be cheering
"How's everyone enjoying the party?!"
>There's another cheer
"Well I'm having a blast! Now, throughout the evening, ponies have been asking me about me and Princess Celestia's matching costumes, asking if it's a cultural human thing."
>There are nods and murmurs of agreement
>You smile at the audience
"Our masks are, in fact, super advanced pieces of human technology. They're masks that turn into the most terrifying, scary thing in the universe!"
>Another murmur, this time of uncertainty, runs through the crowd
"Now, there's a little issue with the mask. The smarter you are, the scarier it looks, since your mind can better handle the horror. So, if it doesn't look like the mask changes, that means you're stupid, ok?"
>You pause a moment to let your words sink in
>From your experience with the ponies, there's no point in being subtle about this
"So anyone who doesn't see something really scary is an idiot."
>It's starting to dawn on the crowd
>You've probably played it up enough by now
"Alrighty. I'll turn it on for a few seconds."
>The crowd holds its breath in anticipation as you reach a hand to the side of your head and pretend to flip a switch.
>The ponies don't react.
"It's on now."
>The ponies instantly react.
>There are screams, wails and a general commotion in the audience, all of it theatrical and over the top.
>For the most part, at least. A certain Apple just looks confused.
>You give them thirty seconds to really get hammy, with some ponies even 'fainting', then reach back up and pretend to flip the switch again
>Most of the ponies stop, but a few still continue uncertainly, not sure whether they should still pretend to be scared or not
"It's off now." you clarify for them
>The last shrieks cut out, and there's an excited murmur as the ponies all tell each other how totally scary the mask was, and how they were, like, totally scared, because they're totally, like, not stupid!
>Perfect. This should make the final half-hour of the party fun
>Celestia comes over to you, a big grin on her face
>"I see what you did there, Anon! That was great!"
>You smile at her
"See? And now you get the ideal chance to practice your lying. Go and show everyone your scary mask"
>She giggles, and hits you playfully
>"I might be able to forgive you for not coming as that green man."
>You nod
"Apology, and friend request, accepted."
>"Friend request?! And I wasn't apologising!"
"No need to, it's in the past."
>"But-"
>You put an arm around Celestia and give her a peck on the cheek
"Water under the bridge. Now! We have a party to enjoy!"

>You're standing with a few ponies while they argue about what they saw
>"It was a big, dinosaur face, with loads of teeth!"
>"No, no... it was like a dolls head, but with no eyes and the mouth was sewn shut."
>"I saw a spooky skeleton-ghost!"
>They then argue about whether you can have a skeleton-ghost, and whether that would be more or less scary than just a skeleton
>Applejack is stood with the group, but she's not saying anything. Instead, she's stood deep in thought
>Probably struggling to understand what's going on, country bumpkin that she is
>There are more screams from the other side of the room as Celestia 'turns on' her mask. You can see her hooves raised in the air as she shouts "It's on!" in her lying voice.
>You turn your attention back to Applejack
"Hey, 'Jack. What're your thoughts on the mask?"
>She starts slightly, her train of thought interrupted
>"Aw, shucks, don't mind me, y'all keep talking."
>You grin at her
"Nonsense, we all want to hear what you saw."
>She nods
>"Well, it's been right puzzlin' to me. See, way I see it, one of three things happened with the mask."
>She taps a hoof on the floor as she counts
>"One, I'mma idiot. Two, Anon's playin' some kinda prank. Or three..."
>She takes a moment to get her thoughts in order.
>This should be good.
>"...the mask did stay blank, an' it represents the fact that the only fears we have're projected onto what is, at its most fundamental, really nothing. There are no monsters, no ghouls or haints. I wasn't sure why that'd be, but I was thinkin' that maybe it represents that in reality, there is no wonder in the world beyond what we project onto it. All our hopes, dreams and fears are just hollow, empty constructs we use to justify our fleeting existence. What's more, the things we really fear -death, bereavement, loneliness- are all as incorporeal and intangible as the shadows on our ceilings that used to scare us as little foals, hence the mask stayin' blank."
>The ponies standing around are all looking pretty shocked, and one of them is almost crying
>"Seems like a downer, but I was thinkin' just now that maybe we're all fixatin' on the wrong thing. It's not just that we all saw different things, it's that the concept of fear is so universal to us. See, while y'all each saw something different, we all shared the feelin' of deep, existential terror when we saw that mask. While the universe may be indifferent to our very existence, we all have one another to draw strength and support from. That's a beautiful thing to me."
>Applejack realises everyone's staring at her, and blushes
>That was actually a surprisingly not-stupid little speech
>You have a new-found respect for the mare
>"But then, what do /I/ know?"
>You shake your head
"Obviously not a lot. Everyone knows clowns are the scariest thing."

>By the time the party finally ends, you've all agreed that clowns with spider faces are actually the scariest thing.
>You wish you'd done your little party trick earlier, it really made it a lot more fun
>Overall, the party was probably an 8.
>But only because stood up the end to announce that the EEC would be importing Human Horror Masks for a reasonable cost.
>You've already got fifty or so orders.
>Awesome.

~

"They did what?!"
>Gold Leaf hands you a roll of parchment
>"Impounded two of our ships."
"Can they even do that?"
>You unroll the letter, and skim it
>"Well, they're the Equestrian government. They can do anything they want while we're on their land."
"We weren't doing anything illegal though, were we?"
>Leaf doesn't reply
"That's not rhetorical. We've been paying our taxes or whatever, right?"
>Leaf frowns
>"We don't pay taxes, Anon."
>Oh, yeah. The special deal you got from Celestia
"Well... have we been bribing the right people?"
>Leaf shakes her head
>"We don't give bribes, Anon. We make facilitating payments to certain officials."
>Of course. Leaf's learning fast.
"Well, obviously not the right ones. Find out who's causing this, and offer them... offer them ten thousand bits."
>Every hour your ships are impounded, you're losing money. The sooner they get out, the sooner you can resume your usual trading
"In fact, do that, and also buy two new ships. Transfer the old crews across, and find new crews in time for the ships to be un-impounded."
>Un-impounded? Was that right?
>"Right away, Anon."
>Un-impounded... pounded? De-pounded? Ex-pounded? Counter-pounded?
"Oh, and what's the opposite of 'to impound'?"
>Leaf shrugs
>"To release?"
>Huh.
"Also, make a note: any company records that read "to release" will now read 'to depound'."
>Leaf nods
"Well. I'm off to find out from Celestia why my ships were locked up. This sort of thing can be very bad for business. Reputation wise, especially. What were their cargoes, incidentally?"
>Leaf checks her notebook
>"Fashionable clothing, whiskey, a masterfully crafted stone mug and..." the mare blushes as she continues, "...adult toys."
>You gasp. Adult toys?!
"Not the dildos! Those were a special order for Princess Cadence!"
>Leaf's blush deepens
"This will not stand! If those plastic cocks don't get to the Crystal Empire, there could be a complete breakdown of law and order!"
>"Rubber." mutters Leaf
"What was that?"
>The mare gives a little start
>"Oh, uh... the adult toys, I, uh, I believe they're rubber, not plastic."
"I couldn't care whether they were the jewel encrusted, golden vibrators from Aphrodite's night-stand! The bottom line is that a hundred of the finest Equestrian dildos are needed by the mares of the Crystal Empire! The East Equestria Company will deliver!"
>"Actually, the toys are just for the Princess herself. It's a personal order."
"And a very important order it is. I really must go now, so if there's nothing else, I'll see to it that our ships are let go."
>You'll have some strong words for Celestia when you find her
>"Actually, Anon... there was one other thing."
>Leaf fidgets, avoiding your eye
"Well?"
>"It's just... I've been working here a while now, and I'm still... well... I'd like a pay rise."
>She sags a little, relieved at having got her words out
>You frown at her, your demeanour becoming more sombre as you fix the mare with an icy stare
"A pay rise? Two things I hate to part with, Leaf, what are they?"
>"Beautiful mares, sir, and m-money."
"Money and beautiful mares, Leaf. In that exact order."
>"Yes, sir."
"So, with that in mind, how are you going to justify a pay rise?"
>Leaf looks taken aback
"What makes you think you deserve it?"
>Leaf doesn't look too happy at that, her eyes narrowing as she puffs her chest out
>"Why do I think I deserve it? Why?! I spend all day running around managing your whole company for you! I've followed you for days, fulfilling your every whim! I've hired most of the staff, purchased most of our property and I meet regularly with rulers of almost every country on this planet to make trade agreements, and I always come away with a great deal! I've earned this company, single-hoofedly, more than any other of its members, with the exception of you! All that, and I'm still earning the salary of a personal assistant!"
>Leaf finishes, looking indignant
>You just stare at her in silence, giving no indication that you heard her
>Slowly, she wilts under your gaze, her conviction wavering
>After an uncomfortably long pause, she opens her mouth to add something, but you cut her off
"That's a very nice speech, Leaf, but at the end of the day, what are you going to do if I say no?"
>Gold Leaf's eyes drop to the floor, and she shuffles her hooves
>"I... nothing. I'll do nothing, Anon."
>Ah.
>That's a shame. She was doing so well
>Leaf stands there uncertainly as you head over to a cabinet in your office, taking out a decanter of the whiskey you save for your best clients, and two glasses
"Wrong answer, Leaf. You're supposed to say 'I'll walk' or something. That's one of the most important things in a negotiation: know when to walk."
>You pour out a pair of drinks, and hand her one
>She takes it, looking surprised
"Everything you said was absolutely right, apart from one thing. You probably do make this company more money than I do. You're the one that does the legwork for my ideas, and you've got a fair few good ones of your own."
>Leaf's frown turns into a smile
>"I... I learned from the best, Anon."
>You nod
"Of course. You certainly do deserve a raise, Leaf. But you're not getting one."
>Leaf's smile fades slightly. Poor thing, this is a real roller-coaster of emotion for her.
>"But why not? I mean, you said yourself that I was right!"
>You grin at Leaf
"I'm not giving you a raise, Leaf. I'm giving you a whole promotion. What are you now, my personal assistant?"
>She nods
"Well. How does assistant managing director sound?"
>It takes a second for your words to sink in
>Leaf's mouth works silently for a few seconds before she finally speaks
>"You're making me an assistant managing director?!"
"I'm making you THE assistant managing director. Of course, you'll get a new salary."
>It's not /technically/ a rise
>"How much?"
"Take what you earn now. Double it. Put a zero on the end."
>Leaf stands there in silence, her jaw slack
>You grin at her
>"Four hundred thousand bits?"
>Wait, what? Was she really only earning twenty thousand before?
>Well, now you /do/ feel a little mean
"Know what? Make it a round 500K."
>You hold up your glass
"Cheers."
>It takes a moment for her to react, raising the glass as a huge grin spreads across her face
>Damn, this is good whiskey.
>Leaf's earned it though.
>Running the EEC is fun and all, but you don't want to have to do it full time. You want to be able to dip in and out. Same thing for Thislandia.
>You needed someone reliable, and Leaf has certainly proven herself to be that.
>Now, you can sit back and get involved in the fun parts while Leaf does most of the work.
>Of course, you'll make sure she gets a good bonus each year. That'll be a surprise, though.
"Well, Lead. Sort that payment out, then take the rest of the evening off. Go out, celebrate."
>She nods, her face still locked in a manic grin
>Eh, what's the point of having cash if you can't splash it every once in a while
"Tell you what. Take tomorrow off too, and you can have... twenty thousand bits to spend tonight, enjoying yourself. Go wild."
>You pat her on the back again
>She's not saying anything, just overcome by sheer capitalistic joy
>You're familiar with that feeling
"I'm gonna head out and find out why our ships were impounded. I'll see you in a couple of days."
>Striding over to your office doors, you throw them open
>On the other side, much to your surprise, is Princess Luna, leaning in close to the door
>She hastily stands up, clearing her throat
"Were... were you listening in?"
>She shakes her head
>"I didn't wish to intrude, Anon, I merely wished to meet with you."
>She's either going to nag you about meeting Derek, or ask you to give her more weed
>Probably both
"Can it wait? I'm quite busy."
>Luna smiles wickedly
>"Oh, I suppose it can wait. I just heard you were having some legal troubles with your ships."
>Well, this is more than a little suspicious.
"I don't know what you're talking about. We had problems with a couple of our ships, but they were releas- I mean, they were depounded almost right away."
>Luna looks taken aback
>"But... I told them you had-"
>With a yelp, she holds a hoof to her mouth
>"-a right to, uh, sail! Where you want! That's right, it was all thanks to me that your ships were released."
>You stare at her flatly
>"If you want to repay me, there's actually something you could-"
"Why, Luna? Why did you get my ships impounded?"
>"Who, me? Ridiculous, Anon! I've never impounded anything in my life, let alone two of your cargo ships at your docks in Manehatten!"
>Does inability to lie run in the family, or is it just a coincidence? Nature vs nurture. Maybe even a combination of the two.
"Come on, Luna. Someone told them to impound the ships. I know it was you. How else would you know exactly where my ships were?"
>Luna shakes her head indignantly
>"I have no idea what you're talking about, Anon!"
>Time to play hardball. Bring out the real big guns
"I'm telling Celestia."
>Luna crumbles instantly
>"No, don't tell my sister! I didn't want to, but you didn't leave me any choice!"
"You better get them depounded right away."
>Depounded really works well. You're sure it'll catch on
>Luna bolsters her resolution with a stamp of a hoof
>"I'm doing it for true love, Anon! Nothing can get in its way, not you, not money! All I ever wanted was-"
"Save it. You can tell me and Celestia at the same time. Let's go."
>Like that, her resolution crumbles again
>"You really can't tell Celestia! She'll never let it drop! I'll... I'll have your ships depounded right away! She'll never need to know!"
>She said depounded.
>Awesome
"So, what? You thought you'd hold my ships to ransom so I'd bring Derek here, or something?"
>She hesitates for a moment, before nodding, her head hanging
>Shit
>Luna sniffles, tears forming in her eyes
>Thousands of years she's waited to meet her soulmate, and now she can't because you haven't got round to sorting it out
>And you threatened to tell her sister on her
>You give an exaggerated sigh
"I need you to trust me, Luna. I'm working on getting him through, but it's not easy. There's so much red tape, so many safety concerns. I can see how you love him, so tell you what. Give me a week, and I'll have you two meeting face to face for sure."
>"For... for sure, Anon?"
"Absolutely."
>Well. You guess you know what you'll be doing for the next week.
>Thankfully, you do have something planned. Something that will allow Luna to see her love while simultaneously cementing the general pony population's interest with humanity, and their belief in your lies.
>More importantly, your plan involves you turning a decent profit.
"Now. Have you learned an important lesson about threatening my income?"
>Luna wipes at her eye as she nods
"Say it. What will happen if you threaten my income?"
>"Y-you'll tell Celestia."
>You nod
"That's right. Now, let me see that smile. You'll be seeing Derek in another week!"
>A grin grows on Luna's face as that sinks in
"Much better. Was there anything else I could help you with, Luna?"
>She nods
>"Actually, yes. I was running out of that relaxing herb. You wouldn't happen to have any more, would you? Some of the mango flavoured type?"
>Fuck's sake
>Derek, or weed. Or both.
"I'll make sure you've got some, don't worry."
>As you say that, something dawns on you
>They don't have weed in Equestria
>It's a whole, untapped market, and you're the only one with a supply
"Thanks, Luna."
>She smiles
"You've helped me see something really important."
>Luna nods
>"Love will always find a way, Anon."
>Heh
"Yeah. Something like that."

~

"So, uh... you ready?"
>Derek nods
>You carefully avoid breathing through your nose
>Cheetos and stale sweat.
>Whether that's the worst part, or whether the fedora, neckbeard or pimples are worse, you couldn't say
"Make sure you leave that blindfold on."
>Christ, you hope Luna has low standards
>Derek nods again as you lead him to a room in your underground base and sit him in a chair
"You can take your blindfold off."
>He does, and looks around at the large, bare room. A sheet of glass cuts it down the middle, separating the human side from the Equestrian side
>Of course, Derek doesn't know anything about Equestria
>This is something of a problem
"Well, almost the big moment. Time to meet your, uh, girlfriend."
>Derek nods again
"So... you love her?"
>He nods
"What if -just throwing this out there- but what if she, I dunno... didn't have any arms?"
>For the first time, Derek speaks, his voice shaky
>"That wouldn't matter to me, Anon. I love her with all my heart, body and soul! She's my-"
"Yes, yes, very nice. And what if it turned out there was something crazy going on, and she had no arms and say, four legs?"
>"That would change nothing, Anon. Our souls are entwined: our hearts beat as one! To us-"
"Right. And, let's just get really wild for a minute. Let's say that she wasn't an olympic gold medal winning rower who's a member of an intelligence agency like I told you. What if 'Luna' wasn't her secret spy name, but her real name. What if she was... a horse."
>Derek looks at you uncertainly
"She was a big... unicorn with wings. And she was a princess."
>"Anon. I love her, whatever form she could take. It wouldn't change anything."
>You breathe a sigh of relief
"Ok, that's good. Because she actually is a pony princess. And she's also thousands of years of old, so I hope you like older women."
>Derek narrows his eyes at you in disbelief
>"You're... you're joking?"
>He doesn't sound convinced.
"Nope. I have access to a portal to an alternate dimension, a dimension where sentient ponies live carefree lives, blissfully ignorant to the obscene wealth of natural resources that surrounds them, just waiting to be plucked up by-"
>Derek's staring at you
>You clear your throat
"I mean... where did you think I got the magical statues that allowed me to secede from the US?"
>Derek shrugs
>"I just guessed you found them, or something."
>Found them?
"What? Found them where?"
>"Anon, there are so many things we don't know. Where was the moon landing really filmed? How do jews cause eclipses? How did Elvis Presley, JFK and Tupac all die in the same plane cra-"
>You quickly cut Derek off, handing him a manilla envelope
"Yeah, this is just like one of those conspiracy theories. Don't take my word for it, though. In that envelope are a load of pictures Luna tried to send with the letters. I've had to burn some of the more... obscene ones."
>You shudder
>There are some places that a stick of butter just doesn't belong.
"Anyway, just take a moment to get over the shock of that while I go and get her."

"So. You ready?"
>Luna nods
"Now, I didn't want to tell you this, but... something happened to Derek."
>She gasps
>"My love! Is he ok?"
>You frown, holding a hand to your forehead
"Yes and no, I'm afraid. You see. I haven't been completely honest about Derek."
>Luna's face quickly falls
"He wasn't really working on a cure for every disease in existence in his super science lab. Well... not any more."
>"Not any more? What happened to my love?"
>You shake your head sadly
"Remember the whole Greenland war? Where it turned out Greenland was a spaceship?"
>Luna nods
>"Yes, the great Greenland way of '15. You fought in it."
>You nod
"It was a terrible war, and a great many people lost their lives. But there was one thing I never told you. Derek too fought in that war!"
>Luna gasps
>Oh, you haven't even started yet.
"He made me promise not to tell you, he didn't want you to know that beneath his vast, enlightened mind, beneath his chiselled physique, beneath his poet's heart... Derek had a second, slightly smaller heart, one forged in the fires of duty."
>Luna's mouth gapes as you go on
"His country... no, his PLANET needed him, and he signed up without so much as a thought for all he had to lose. I remember that day, how he said those fateful words. "I'm signing up without so much as a thought of all I have to lose. Remember this day, how I said these fateful words", he said."
>You wipe away an imaginary tear
"He was a hero, Luna. The war wasn't going well. We were outnumbered, out gunned and out-beared by the bear people of Greenland. We were in a small commando group, tasked with taking down the fusion reactor powering Greenland. We were surrounded, and out of ammo. We were fighting with our bare hands, and the enemy fought with their bear hands. They had the better deal, really. Greenland had taken off by this point, and below us, the planet was shrouded in smoke and flame. C beams glittered off the shoulders of Orion. And then, when all hope seemed lost, Derek spoke up."
>Luna's eyes are full of wonder as she listens, completely wrapped up in the story
"I remember it so... clearly. The bear-people's most recent assault had been repelled but we were in a bad shape, holed up in a cave, completely surrounded. There was no hope in us, we knew we were going to die on that God-forsaken rock/spaceship. Then, Derek said something that changed everything. "I can't die. Not yet. Not until I meet her". He rose up, took his combat knife and walked out of that cave. We tried to follow him, but there were just too many bear-people. They split us up, and soon he was gone. I..."
>You hold a hand to your face, your voice shaky
"I... I thought..."
>Luna pulls you into a hug
>"It's ok, Anon. I can't imagine how terrible a war like that must have been. You don't have to go on."
"I-I do, Luna. You need to know."
>Holy shit
>You ought to win an oscar or something
>Mentally adding "create Thislandian acting awards so I can give myself one" to your to-do list you continue, pretending that you took a moment to compose yourself
"I thought he was dead, Luna. We all did. We had no choice, so we fought our way to the edge of Greenland. And just then, the craft was shaken by a massive explosion. Derek had done it! He's saved Earth!"
>Luna gives a little cheer
"No... don't cheer yet. Because the explosion was so large, there was no way he could have survived."
>"Oh..."
"But don't get upset yet, Luna. He did survive."
>Luna's not quite sure whether she should cheer or be upset, so she gives a sort of non-committal grunt
"It was a miracle. It should have been impossible. But something saved him. Something protected him."
>You smile at Luna as you look her in the eye
"That something, Luna, was his desire to meet you."
>A soppy smile spreads across her face, and Luna's eyes moisten
"Unfortunately, the explosion blew all of the memories out of his head!"
>Luna gasps
>"He... he doesn't remember me?"
>You shake your head
"Does the grass forget how to grow, Luna? Does the moon forget how to shine?"
>Luna doesn't look sure, so you clarify
"No. He didn't forget you, because it's so deeply ingrained in- you know what, never mind. The point is, he got amnesia about everything but you."
>Luna nods
>"That makes sense, if the explosion was as bad as you say it was."
"Yeah, it was probably worse than I say it was, even. Anyway, his memories got mixed up with an old TV show, and now he has a completely different version of human history in his mind. A completely wrong one, I might add. So basically, the point of all this story was this: if Derek says anything that conflicts with anything I've ever told you, it's because he got amnesia when he survived a fusion explosion from the power core of Greenland. Got it?"
>Luna nods
>"I understand, Anon."
"So, like I say, if anything he says differs to anything I've ever told you, believe me over him. He's not lying, he's just confused. You understand?"
>Luna gives a resolute nod
"And after hearing all that, you still want to meet him?"
>"I love him Anon. My love was powerful enough to save his life. I'm sure I can help him through this."
"Yeah, that's the spirit."
>I've longed for this meeting for so long. My entire life I've waited to find the one being who can understand me, who can accept me for everything that I am. Derek is that person, Anon. Thank you for bringing us together."
"Sure, whatever."
>You hold the door to the room open for her, Derek sitting nervously beyond the sheet of glass
"You got fifteen minutes."

~

>You stand on a small stage and scan the mob of excited ponies, an electric thrill running through the air as you take your place
>The huge, wooden gates behind you stand imposing and tall.
>Even though it's only seven in the morning, the crowd must be several thousand strong at least. It' big enough to extend into the city, and every window is lined with faces impatiently waiting for you to speak
>The announcement that you- Ambassador Anonymous of Earth, spokesperson of Super-President Finkle D. Finklefinkle himself -were officially opening the portal to Earth for ponies to travel through had caused a stir.
>Well, more than a stir actually
>Ponies had travelled for miles to arrive days in advance
>The mass exodus had completely brought public transport to a halt, or so you've been told.
>Here and there, the chaos of the mob is held at bay by a dozen armed guards, protecting some member of royalty, some rich tycoon
>Paupers and princes, old and young, all were here to witness this momentous occasion
>Straitening your straw hat, you stifle a grin. Showtime.
>You raise a hand for silence, your white shirt and trousers immaculate as an awed silence falls over the crowd
"Ladyponies and gentleponies. I trust you all know who I am."
>You beam at the crowd, sweeping your eyes across the audience, meeting as many of the ponies faces as you can
"Today is a truly momentous day, not just for ponykind, but also for mankind. Today is the day, finally, when it is safe for you to travel to my homeworld, to see the things we've accomplished."
>A murmur runs through the crowd as you go on
"Unfortunately, you won't be able to just pass through and explore all of Earth. It's too dangerous, the atmosphere is still toxic. However, I know how much you all love humanity, how desperately you all want to learn of our way of life. That's why I personally requested that the Super-President build a facility capable of supporting you all, so that you may visit."
>A few ponies jump the gun and begin doing that stomp-clap thing they do
>You hold up a hand to silence them
>Don't want them clapping yet
>There's still a bit more you have to rattle through before you can bask in their adulation
"With this in mind, we have constructed not just a single facility but a collection of attractions. Whatever it is you desire, you can find it here! If you seek knowledge of humanity's history, visit our museum, or one of libraries or exhibits! If you love art, fear not! We have art galleries, we have music rooms where you can experience human music first hand! If it's just fun you're looking for, we have rides and fair games, all based on my home planet, We have human food, human fashion, human architecture!"
>A thousand faces all stare up at you in awe, each one showing some strong positive emotion. There are children on their parent's shoulders, hundreds of pegasi and griffons darkening the sky. Every one of them hanging on your every word in absolute silence
"Best of all, we are offering you the opportunity to see other humans! To be able to watch them as they watch you!"
>Through a thick, soundproofed pane of glass, with strict supervision from the Honourguard to not allow any kind of communication
"Ladies and Gentlemen"
>Shit, forgot the ponies bit, but no one seems to notice
>You raise your amber-tipped cane into the air as the giant gate behind you begins to ponderously swing open
"Welcome to a new world!"
>The audience crane their necks to see through the gates
"Welcome to the greatest day of your lives!"
>With a final sounding clunk, the doors open fully
"Welcome... to Human Park!"
>A band strikes up and the crowd erupts into a joyous cacophony, drowning out the tune straight away
>You smile and wave at the cheers, whistles and the thunderous clapping
>The ponies eyes inevitably look past your lofty vantage-point, first noticing the tallest rollercoasters and attractions, their gaze slowly moving down to the bright kiosks and vendors, the stalls and games
>Finally, their eyes reach a neat row of ticket booths, manned by your statues
>You continue, your voice magically amplified
"Just 50 bits for an adult ticket, 49 for a child! Save money with a family ticket for two adults and two children, just 197 bits!"
>Let it never be said that Anon doesn't have a softspot for children
>The crowd surges forward
"And don't forget to pick up your "Human Park" souvenirs! We have shirts of all sizes, trinkets for friends and family, all for a very reasonable price!"
>You though the prices were reasonable, at least. In that they fill your pockets nicely.
>Besides, a life-changing experience that every visitor will remember for the rest of their lives doesn't come cheap
>If this was a cartoon, you'd probably have dollar signs in your eyes
>As the thousands of visitors begin slowly trickling into your park, you get the feeling that today will be a very profitable day.
>And really, what better kind of day is there?

>You stroll through the park about half an hour after it opens, throngs of happy Equestrians of all races bustling through the attractions
>Something catches your eye, though, a single, stationary pony in the sea of movement
>Not just a pony... a foal, looking around wide-eyes, terrified
>This won't do
>You stroll over to the child
"Hello there, little one."
>It jumps slightly, looking at you uncertainly
>Now you're closer, you can see it's a little filly
"What's that frown doing? I don't want to see any sad ponies here today!"
>You smile kindly at her, squatting down to her level
>Her eyes are red, and there are tear tracks down her face
"Are you lost?"
>The filly steps back uncertainly, and gives a single little nod followed by a timid answer
>"...yes, sir"
"Well, that's no good, is it? Do you think we should find your family again?"
>She gives another nod, a little more confident this time
"Do you remember where they were?"
>The filly sniffles
>"They said to meet back at the museum if anyone got split up, sir, b-but it's so busy, and I g-got lost, and the others all left me-"
>She bursts into tears
>Shit
>This is really killing the vibe
>You rub her back, and she calms down a bit
"The museum?"
>"Y-yes, sir."
"Please. Just call me Anon. The museum's not too far from here. Would you like me to take you there?"
>She nods
"Alright. What's your name, sweetheart?"
>"S-snowflake."
"Snowflake? That's a very pretty name. Shall we go find your family then, Snowflake?"
>The filly gives a weak smile at your compliment, then nods
>It's not far, but you're not surprised she got lost. With the park being so busy, there's no way she could see the signposts, let alone the museum itself, despite its size. It's a large building in a paladian style.
>The two of you walk, but it's slow going, Snowflake's just too small to get through the crowd
>She's more comfortable with you now, sticking as close as she can
"Hey, Snowflake, how'd you like a lift? You feeling tired?"
>"A lift?"
>You nod
"I could carry you if you want."
>You hope she wants
>In an hour you're supposed to be back on the other side of the portal for the opening of the human side of the park, and it'll take half that long to get her to the museum at this rate
>The filly nods, to your relief
>She gives a surprised squeak as you lift her up and place her on your shoulders
>Her face is pushing right against the brim of your hat. It's pulling it uncomfortably, so you take it off and pop it on her head
>She giggles as the hat slides down over her eyes
"Perfect fit."
>She looks around from her new vantage point and spots the roof of the museum
>"Over there!"
>You give a salute
"Aye-aye, captain. Full steam ahead!"
>She giggles and holds on tight as you stride through the crowd
>It's barely been a dozen strides before her belly rumbles right in your ear
>You look up at her, and she blushes slightly
"Missed breakfast?"
>Snowflake nods
>You scan the nearby stalls
"You like candy?"
>Christ, you never thought you'd be asking a lost child in a themepark whether they liked candy
>Though you also never really expected to open your own human-themed park in a magical land of talking ponies
>Life can be funny like that
>A few minutes later, and one of the confectionery stall statues has handed you a load of snacks for Snowflake, who's happily munching on a ball of cotton-candy as big as her head
>Of course, as far as the ponies are aware, humans call cotton candy "grandfather's beard" and eat it on "April's Fish" day. Why they believe any civilized people would be capable of such mind-numbing stupidity is beyond you
>You mentally add up the total cost of the goodies and add a ten percent service charge. Her parents aren't getting out of paying the bill just because their daughter wandered off
>You are running a business after all

>The museum's not far from sight when you spot yet another distraction
>It's Applejack, and her daughter or whatever
>You assume it's her daughter, that little yellow filly who follows her around
>Could be her sister. Then again, she's a country girl. There's no reason the filly couldn't be both.
>The pair are standing at a games stall, one of the ones where you throw a ball to knock over tins, the walls of the stall are covered in brightly-coloured toys of all sizes, each one vibrant with a "probably-won't-make-you-go-blind" dye, mass produced for a shockingly low price, given a huge markup.
>Applejack's just bought three balls, and she lines up a shot at the stack of tins
>He first ball hits them in dead in the centre of the stack, and they all come clattering to the ground
>Apart from one.
>Her sister gives a cheer as Applejack lines up her second shot
>It glances off the tin, which doesn't so much as budge from the impact
>Applejack looks nonplussed, and makes a suspicious comment to the stall statue, but you're too far away to hear what she says
"Hey, Snowflake?"
>The filly grunts, her face full of chocolate
>You hope to Christ she's not getting your shirt dirty
>Goddam kids
"You see any prizes over there you want to win?"
>She follows your pointing hand to the stall, and her eyes instantly light up
>"That one!"
>She sprays a load of half-eaten chocolate in your ear as she points at a huge cuddly toy in the shape of a human
>You resist the urge to put her down and just walk off as you brush a clump of brown gloop off your neck
"Well. Let's go win a toy."
>You sidle over as Applejack is lining up her last shot, a look of slight annoyance on her face
>This time, she throws the ball straight up in the air, then spins and bucks it full force
>It blurs through the air and slams into the tin dead-centre, crumpling it before bouncing straight back and hitting Applejack on the head
>Other than the new dent in the side, the tin still hasn't so much as budged
"Oh, tough luck, Applejack!"
>The mare spins to you, looking annoyed
>"Anon?"
>She snorts
>"Tough luck? I hit that thing dead on. This game's rigged."
>You gasp
"Oh, no! Surely you aren't saying one of my stalls is unfair! That would be dishonest of me!"
>She shuffles uncomforatbly, not wanting to say anything to offend you
"It's probably just your technique. Here, let me show you how it's done."
>You nod at the statue who hands over three balls, but you stop him
"Just one, thanks."
>You give the statue a meaningful look
"I'm sure I can get them all in one hit. I'm SURE I can do it."
>The statue gives an almost imperceptible nod, and gives you just one ball
>You hoist Snowflake off your shoulders and place her on the counter
>The floor's too far away, and you don't want to do your back in
"Now, the trick is in how you throw it."
>Applejack just rolls her eyes
"Too hard, and it'll just bounce off. Too gentle and it won't even make it. Too far right and you'll miss all the tins. Too far left and you'll miss all the tins...
>The little Apple waves at Snowflake and starts to ask her something, but you're too focussed on Applejack's twitching face to pay any attention
"..Too far up and you'll miss all the tins. Too far down and you'll miss all the tins..."
>She give a snort
>"You done?"
>You shake your head
"Too far diagonally up and to the left, and you'll miss all the tins. Too far diagonally-"
>"Anon. Throw the ball."
>You shrug
"Alright. I'm probably over-thinking it."
>You hurl the ball at the tins, and it sails about a metre wide, gently bouncing off the back of the wall
>"Ha!"
>The tins all spontaneously collapse, and Applejack's victorious gloating dies in her throat
"See? All in the... the, uh..."
>Shit
>This makes it even more obvious that your game is rigged.
"It's in the vibrations, see? I carefully worked out how to make the tins fall from hitting that exact spot, knowing the physics would make it work."
>Snowflake gives an excited little dance as the statue pulls down the biggest toy for her
"Anyway. Better luck next time, 'Jack."
>"Please don't call me that."
"You got it, 'Ack"
>Applejack grinds her teeth as you hoist Snowflake back on your shoulders
>You shoot a meaningful look at the statue again
"I'm sure you'll get it next time, 'Ck."
>That's a hard sound to make, "Ck", but you manage it.
>Sounds like you're trying to bring up phlegm. Or speak Arabic.
>You leave the Appleponies behind as the little one promises Snowflake she'll invite her to join her club, or something.
>Whatever. You mentally add the cost of the game to little 'Flake's increasing bill as you head off for the museum. Not far now.

>It's quieter in the museum, so you put the filly down
>It doesn't take long to find Snowflake's mum, an elderly, tired-looking mare who's obviously either a bit too fond of cake or not fond enough of exercise
>She gives a smile to Snowflake who rushes over to give her a hug
>You grin at the mare, who smiles at you
>"Are you OK, Snowflake? Where's the rest of your group?"
>Snowflake doesn't answer, her face falling
>"They didn't leave you behind, did they?"
>The mare's face wrinkles up in anger as Snowflake nods
>"Oh, come here!"
>She returns Snowflake's hug
>How touching
>You clear your throat, loudly
>The mare notices you, and for the first time realises how much loot Snowflake's got
>Her eyes widen
>"Ambassador Anonymous!"
>She bows low
>"Snowflake, did the Ambassador help you get back here?"
>Snowflake nods, already diving back into eating her treats
"Please, just call me Anon."
>You do enjoy being bowed to... but it ruins your image of a family-friendly, eccentric park owner.
>"Oh, thank you, Anon!"
>You grin. It's not particularly a happy grin, more the kind you see on a piranha when someone decides to go paddling in its pond. Barefooted.
>There's still the matter of the bill to settle
"Miss, it was my pleasure to help your daughter. However-"
>"Oh, Snowflake isn't my daughter."
>Niece, granddaughter, whatever. You don't like being interrupted, but the mare continues.
>"I... well, thank you, Anon."
"Like I say, it was my pleasure. But, unfortunately-"
>"I mean for the park. For all of this."
>She waves a hoof vaguely
>Aw. There's really no need to thank you. The extortionate entry fee is more than thanks enough
>Really, it's much more than thanks enough. If anyone ever discovers the true cost of running this place vs how much you're charging for entry, they'll have to invent a whole new word for "offensively overpriced"
>"It's not often the children get to enjoy themselves, but I just know this was worth the year's budget!"
>Huh?
"Year's budget?"
>She nods
>"The orphanage gets a yearly allowance from the government for educational or recreational trips. This place is perfect! Not only do the children get to have the day out of a lifetime, but they also get to learn all about human culture while they do it!"
>Uh-oh. Alarm bells are ringing
"When you say orphanage, that's not some kind of new meaning of the word I'm not familiar with?"
>The mare shakes her head
>"I'm Tender Ministration, the matron for the Sun and Stars orphanage in Canterlot."
"Then Snowflake's a-"
>The mare cuts you off quickly
>"That's right. She was left a few years ago."
>Below you, Snowflake slows down her eating, looking up at the two of you
>Despite the sweets and toy, a look of trepidation chases her happiness away.
>"My mummy and daddy are coming back, though! And they won't leave me like the other foals do... a-and they'll play with me, and daddy will take me out like Anon did, and he'll win me toys and buy me sweets and when we go home mummy will read me a bedtime story and tuck me-"
>Towards the end, Snowflake's voice becomes a little frantic, and her eyes moisten
>Tender shushes her gently and gives her stokes her mane
>Well, fuck.
>Tender Ministration glances up to you
>"I'm sorry, Anon. But really. Thank you, for all this."
>You nod
"My pleasure."
>You mean it.
>"Now. Sorry to have interrupted you. What were you going to say?"
"Uh..."
>Snowflake has her face buried in the mare's leg, rocking gently as her mane is stroked
>Fuck. You're about to make an unsound business decision.
"I... Just wait here for a second."
>Tender nods uncertainly as you rush out of the museum

>You return a few minutes later with Applejack, and who you now know is her sister, Apple Bloom
>Leading the two over to the matron and the orphan, you frown at Applejack who's wearing a smug grin
>She'd really broke your balls for this. Everything free for her and her sister for the rest of the day.
"Hey, Snowflake. How'd you like to spend the rest of the day with Apple Bloom here? You two met earlier. If that's alright with Tender, that is."
>The matron suddenly turns stern, scrutinising Applejack, who begins to sweat slightly
"Applejack's a friend, she'll take good care of Snowflake."
>The matron narrows her eyes
>"Applejack, is it? Well, deary. You better take good care of Snowflake, or..."
>She leaves the sentence hanging, and you suppress a shudder
>The matron really doesn't seem to fuck around when it comes to her charges
>Though it does seem slightly irresponsible to just let someone in her care wander off with some strangers
>Eh, ponies. Too trusting by half. That's the only reason you actually have this park in the first place.
>The mares make arrangements, and the fillies get chatting
>Snowflake seemed a little apprehensive at first, but she's warmed to Apple Bloom in no time.
>The three soon head off, leaving you and Tender alone
>She starts to thank you again, but you cut her off
"Ms. Ministration. About the entry fee. I feel that we should make an arrangement. This park wasn't founded to make money."
>It absolutely was, it just wasn't founded to scam orphanages for that money
>There's a point at which you start becoming a caricature, and you don't want to be some shitty villain, fleecing orphans from their budget for fun days out
"For the rest of the day, don't worry about money. You, your orphans. You're my guests here, and I've given instructions to the staff that you're to be given the perfect day out."
>Tender's eyes widen, and she begins to object, but you press on
"As for the entry fee, well..."
>You pull out a chequebook
"The Sun and Stars Orphanage, was it?"
>Tender nods mutely as you write out a cheque, before tearing it off and handing it to her
>She stares at it for a long moment
>"A-anon, this is twice what we paid for the entry..."
>You smile at her
"A donation."
>In the grand scheme of things, it's peanuts. You'll make that amount in the next half-hour, alone.
>"This is..."
>She trails off, then pulls you in to a crushing hug
>"You're a great person, Anon... a good person"
>Not really. You're still scamming the rest of the ponies out of their bits
>Well... not really THEIR bits. They're all your bits, they just happen to be in other people's pockets.
"Yeah, well-"
>"I mean it. You've really changed some lives today. Thank you."
>That cheque you wrote was nothing to you. You have so much money now, it's less than a regular guy giving a dollar to a homeless person. Much less.
>And yet Tender is almost crying with gratitude
>You give the mare a broad smile
>It's fake.
>Suddenly, that amount on the cheque doesn't seem like anywhere near enough.