Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" Now they have to say "Donald, Duck"
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.