Dulls puns 2018-09-18

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."#Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na#What kind of fish is made out of sodium atoms? 2 Na#The obstetricians seem to celebrate labor day every day.#I used to Rhydon the bus but then I got my license#I took a picture of a field of wheat, it was grainy.#My dog has an attitude. He is a cocky spaniel.#A math professor in an unheated room is cold and calculating.#How do mountains see? They peak.#Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.#Why did Tidus and party journey to Guadosalam? So they could Seymour Guado.#I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.#Learning to sleep upside down is often hard for baby bats, but they soon get the hang of it.#To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!#When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.#What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.#My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.#One skeleton to the other: Man, I’m so hard in love with Bella, I can barely think straight. I’d love to ask her out but I just don’t have the guts.#Learning to sleep upside down is often hard for baby bats, but they soon get the hang of it.#When kissing flowers, tulips are better than one.#To write with a broken pencil is pointless.#What do you call a young musician? A minor.#Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job, now he’s just a handyman.#I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.#Even the smallest egg farms are multi-layer organisations.#What did the chicken farmer say to the Chocobo Eater? "I don't want you eating Mi'ihens!"#Why are the Al-Bhed weary of the Yevonites? They're afraid they Maester up some trouble.#The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.#A cowbell is what you call a lovely Southern cow.#My pot belly pig was running and slipped on ice. Wound up injuring a hamstring.#Where do the people of Spira learn to summon Aeons? The Yunaversity#When your internet provider goes bankrupt it's a 'net loss.#A cell ran into the end table and yelled "mytoechondria!"#Technically speaking a programmer's favorite subject with his boss is usually arrays.#Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire? It was in tents.#I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up.#What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.#R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.#We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.#The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.#What happened to the rich guy with the double chin? He made a four chin.#I got fired from my job as a software engineer. I just couldn't get with the program.#When I see birds, I always chirrup.#I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.#Old artists never retire they withdraw!#Have you heard about the film "Constipation", you probably haven't because it's not out yet.#I didn't understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me.#What's the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tuna fish with its scales.#How did I escape Iraq? Iran.#These puns raised Mesprit a bit#When a wasp started to come after me, I made a beeline for the exit.#When the dog swallowed a bell, his bark began pealing.#When the Park Warden spotted a Dalmatian off the leash, the owner received a spot fine!#I got hit in the head with a can of soda? Luckily it was a soft drink.#Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer.#Old math professors never die, they just reduce their functions.#I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas.#My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.#When I took first place in the sewing competition, I thought that I had better quilt while I was ahead.#To write with a broken pencil is pointless.#I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.#Where do fish go on vacation? Finland.#In very large sponge colonies in the ocean, there's a soaker born every minute.#I nearly drowned yesterday. It was a breathtaking experience.#I can't find my rutabaga. I hope it will turnip.#You know the problem with grapes these days. People just aren't raisin them right.#What's a time traveler's favourite game? A Link to the Past#Several states were delighted by the solar eclipse.#My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.#How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.#The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor#It's no easy tusk to make a walrus pun!#It takes a lot of Braviary to utter a pun#For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.#If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, "nein"#My buddy set me up on a blind date & said, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby." Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.#I think I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year - he was really easy to get a lawn with.#Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!#I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.#Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: "Beef Jerky!"#What did Hashirama say to Madara? Did you get the messages I senju.#The tallest building in the city is the library because it has so many stories.#The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.#I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.#After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing.#Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.#Two lambs are in a meadow. Which one frequents a casino? The one that's gambolling.#I strongly dislike the subject of math, however I am partial to fractions.#Did you hear about the man who got killed by a bear? It was a grizzly death.#The pilot was a loner but even for him flying a drone was just too remote.#I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite… He said NaBrO#Why did Tidus and crew ruin Yuna's wedding? They wanted to get a better Valefor her.#Why do the people enjoy the Maesters? They find them in-SPIRA-tional.#Old math profs never die -- they just use strange expressions.#Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.#Don't Weedle in more Pokémon puns into this conversation#They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.#What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.#People who lack the patience for calligraphy will never have properly formed characters.#My new diet consists of aircraft, its a bit plane.#The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn.#I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.#Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.#I turn on my Charmander pants come right off#Watchdogs are covered with ticks.#How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.#A mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace#If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?#Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.#How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.#The librarian didn't know what to do with the book about Tesla's love of electricity, so he filed it under 'Current Affairs.'#What happened when the magician got mad? She pulled her hare out!#What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.#Why does Tidus live in a boathouse. Because he's from Zan-ARK-and.#How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.#Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.#I've failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.#I just finished reading Newton's Principia Mathematica, and found much of it to be rather derivative.#The purpose of the guards at the Blitzball stadium in Luca is to drive a Bigg Wedge between the players and the fans.#What do organic mathematicians throw into their fireplaces? Natural Logs.#What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.#If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?#As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.#Tree trimmers do such a fantastic job, they should take a bough.#Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.#I accepted a Knight shift job to become a security guard.#To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.#What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.#What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.#If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.#What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.#I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.#What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.#Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.#The museum curator was brilliant at judging sculptures and paintings. He displayed art official intelligence.#I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.#My computer is so slow it hertz.#I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.#Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.#Deaf mathematicians communicate through sin language.#It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.#My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.#I met a math professor who has 12 children - she really knows how to multiply.#Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.#Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.#It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.#A ghoul that dines on kangaroos is a hop goblin.#I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!#Young women who are mathematics professors closely watch their figures.#Who is Fozzie Bear's favorite FFX character? Wakka Wakka!#Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.#After spotting a hole in the net, the bluefin knew it was his oppurtunaty to escape.#I saw an ad in a shop window, "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full", I thought, "I can't turn that down".#What did Yuna say when Wakka asked her to heal him of poison? "I'll take care of it Esuna-s possible."#I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.#"It sucks working from home today." Peter (52), Fireman#The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.#Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial.#When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.#I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.#The apple crossed the street because he wanted to get to the other cider the road.#Rabbit relationships are based on a financial transaction. If he's got the doe she gets a buck.#I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.#My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.#One of the best drinking game rules I have ever heard was you had to say a Pokemon name in every sentence. Farfetched right?#The first duck wouldn't go in the water. The other duck said "What are you, chicken?".#Why is it okay for Yuna to put her elbows on the table and chew with her mouth open during dinner? Because law only requires her to have Summoners.#Did you hear about that lightbulb party. It was totally lit.#Why did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!#I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience.#Why was the tree excited about the future? It was ready to turn over a new leaf!#How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.#I'm not gonna Raichu a love song#The arrogant math teacher finally ate a slice of humble pi.#Things made in Australia are high koala-ty.#Why are pigs so bad at soccer?  They are always hogging the ball!#A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.Luckily he still made the cast.#I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.#The first drinking establishment in Alaska was a polar bar.#How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.#This morning I was wondering where the sun was, but then it dawned on me.#How did Jesus' crucifixion save us? It's 'cause he nailed it!#The magazine's rationale for running the story was paper thin.#My favourite anime, Deaf Note, is about young Beethoven facing the infamous Mozart in a battle of music.#I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.#Being stripped of her Citrus Queen title was a bitter disappointment.#How does Ixion's anthem begin? "Djose can you see..."#These puns... Don't you Diglett#What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.#The first order of priority in hiring math majors is get them to sine on the dotted line#A hydrologist has a high-pressure job.#Kakuna Rattata, what a wonderful phrase. It means no worries Forretress of your days#Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.#What do you mean June is over? Julying.#How about the chemical workers… are they unionized?#Who said grapes are soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of wine.#If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.#I had a real problem making a hard-boiled egg this morning until I cracked it.#Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!#Some mathematicians are on the negative side while others are quite positive.#The Irish should be rich because their capital is always Dublin.#Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.#What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me something smells.#The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.#I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!#What kind of bears dissolve in water? Polar bears.#I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.#I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.#This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.#All the hens consider the chef to be very mean because he beats the eggs.#On Halloween October is nearly Octover.#After visiting the pyramids, I've been cursed by the Fearow#I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.#What's a pirate's favourite pokemon? Gengarrr!#What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.#Why does the man want to buy nine rackets? Cause tennis too many.#I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.#The chicken knew the first leg of his trip would take him to Buffalo. From there he would wing it.#I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..#Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!#Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"#What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine!#I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.#What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.#In Spira, what is the proper age to begin your quest as a summoner? Pilgrim-age.#I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.#A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.#I tried to stop the bleeding, but all of my efforts were in vein.#A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it.#Dunsparce's evolution should be named Dunplenty#My math class started working on 2D shapes, but I lost interest. It was just too plane.#Old carpenters never die, they just lumber around.#My wild cat ran away last week. I put up posters in our neighborhood so that others can help me find the missing lynx.#I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.#I wish I was adenine, then I could get paired with U.#Circling vultures are a dead giveaway.#After manually rotating the heavy machinery, the worker grew very cranky.#Why couldn't Yuna summon her aeons? She lacked Fayth.#I didn't used to like duct-tape at first, but then I became very attached to it.#On land crabs tend to use the sidewalk.#How do fish keep up with what's going on? They listen to the current news.#Suitable advertising slogan for a fish packing plant: 'Yes, we can!'#I sat next to a man on the park bench. He had 9 watches on one wrist and 5 in the other. I said man "you sure do have a lot of time on your hands."#Puns this good were certainly Onix-pected#The display of still-life art was not at all moving!#Puppies learn how to behave by following a strict dogma.#What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.#Crosswords are what you hear when you distract someone working on a puzzle.#I couldn't see a good cow pun if it was steering me in the face.#Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.#My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she is a keeper.#Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled.#With great reflexes comes great response ability.#Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.#I hated being a math teacher. It was a miscalculated move.#What did the swordsman say when challenged to a fight by the enemy? "You guys Auron!"#Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.#Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.#As far as Sin vs the Crusaders go, you know what they say. When Sin wins, you Gatta have Luzzus.#Why are the Ronso fans of the United States? Because they are Yenke Doodle Dandys!#Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who visited 30 different countries and spoke 6 languages? He was a man of many cultures.#Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.#Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.#What top does an astronaut wear to the moon? Apollo shirt.#What is a Yevonite's most hated pick-up line? Al-Bhed you.#The chickens were distraught when the tornado destroyed their home. Hopefully they will be able to recoup.#I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.#An angry skunk reeks his vengeance.#What is a werewolf programmer’s favorite Java program? Eclipse.#Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.#Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.#There’s no place like 127.0.0.1#Thanks to my doctor, my Hypno longer hurts#What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire? Frost bite.#Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.#Could you call me on my Phione?#Why should you never throw away an old dolphin? Because they can easily be re-porpoised!#The earth's rotation really makes my day.#What's a Titan's favorite meal? Raw-men#A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.#What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.#The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.#The future,the present and the past walked into a bar.Things got a little tense.#Old math profs never die, they just can't differentiate.#I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.#What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together? CSI#The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.#Audino any more good puns#Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven? When they met, sparks flew.#Circling vultures are a dead giveaway.#How does Kagome wash her clothes? Inuwasha#This is not alcohol, water you thinking?!#Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.#If you send a letter to the Philippines put it in a Manila envelope.#In order to talk to a viking you need to know Norse code.#Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.#Circus dogs fly through the air with the greatest of fleas.#A sports coat worn on a hike is a trailblazer.#I was going to tell you a joke about infinity, but I can't find the end.#What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.