Night Rain: Chapter Eleven "The Eponymous Chapter"

Finally, my room. In all its generic, prefabricated glory. What a hovel of a hole in the wall. I should touch this place up with something, anything.
*Crinkle*
Hm? What’s this? A letter? But I didn’t give anyone my address except my parents.
“Susumu.”
No. Not him. Please don’t let it be him. He shouldn’t have my address. Probably lied his way to get it, that snake in the grass. Please let this be a mistake. No, that would be too fortunate on this day of grave misfortunes. I shouldn’t read it. I know I shouldn’t read it. But I’m almost compelled to.
Oh my god, that smell. It even stinks of him. I never knew I could gag so hard. I need to air this thing out before it suffocates me, but it’s still raining. Guess I’ll prop the door open a bit to see if this miasma clears up.
“My eyes! It’s burning my eyes!”
Well, shit. Now the whole floor will smell of the cheapest cologne that can legally be sold in Japan. Pretty soon, we’ll all be staggering around, dizzy as anything. Just like Susumu: comes in a seemingly normal package but noxious when you look inside. Speaking of which, the letter is still sitting there. I don’t want to read it. I have to, though, else my curiosity will get the better of me. God help me.
“Aiko-chan,
I felt something was wrong when you didn’t come back to school this semester. Like a part of me was missing. Turns out it was you and your seductive curves. The curves that dominate lesser men than me. Why did you think you could leave me like this? You didn’t ask my permission to do this, babe. You should be lucky to be mine - that I forgive you for this transgression, provided you take your punishment. Some men would be so bold as to hit their woman for leaving without notice. I’d never hit you. I might accidentally damage my knuckles.
“This could turn out to be great for us. Away from your prying parents, we can have more fun together. Tatsuya can give me a ride and then we’ll have fun. You know you want to. You may have said no the first time, but no girl can refuse Susumu.
“I wonder, though, why you went to a school for cripples. Is it so that you can be among the trash where you belong, you OBSTINATE WHORE?! You know those rejects will never accept you. You’re not good enough for them, for anyone. You denied yourself to me because you didn’t think you could handle all the manliness that is my Orochi. And you’re right, you defective slut. That’s why you had to tell everyone that lie, the lie that I tried to force myself on you WHEN WE BOTH KNOW YOU WANTED IT! You think you can run and hide from me?  That I won’t find you? You must be a dumber bitch than I thought you were. Were you a smarter girl, you’d realize the futility of your actions and come crawling back to me, begging my forgiveness.
“I’ll let you have your time to consider this ultimatum. But know this: everything you do at that retard school, I’m watching you. So please, honey, don’t do anything we’ll both regret.
With Love,
Your Susumu-kun.”

Oh fuck. God no, please no. No, no, no, no. Please, god, no. Why is this happening? Why? Wait, what’s that? Is…is there someone behi- oh no. Nononononono. I don’t want to see him. It can’t be him. Someone else would have noticed a strange boy walking around the girls dorms during class. It’s preposterous to think it’d be him.
“Aiiiiikooo.”
He’s not there. It’s your mind playing tricks on you.
“Aiiikoo.”
He can’t be here. It’s not possible. It’s not real.
“ANSWER ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!”
The sudden sensation of a knife at my neck, however, is all too real.
“Scream and I’ll cut you open.”
How. Why. I can’t even.
“I’ve missed you, Aiko-chan. Your warmth, your body, it’s all so…right. Can you hear it? It’s calling for me.”
He forces the edge deeper into my neck with every thrust of his libido. Why won’t he just kill me? For both our sakes.
“You know…I could have you right now. At long fucking last. The way it was meant to be.”
Please don’t. No.
“But I won’t.”
What?
“Now is not a prudent time for such a rendezvous. Your fear is intoxicating. I crave it. I need it. I need you, Aiko. Would I go all the way right now, you’d lose that fear, that edge.”
No, no, I’d still be plenty afraid. Trust me.
“Won’t you at least say something to your Susumu-kun? Indulge me with the pleasure of your voice.”
…
“Not even a ‘Hello, how are you, how was the trip?’ or anything?”
“Gl-cck.”
“What?”
He takes the knife away from my throat. Finally, he stopped gagging me.
“Go.”
“Go? YOU’RE telling ME to GO? Who do you think you are, bitch?”
“The train home…the last one leaves in half an hour. That’s how far we are from the train station. Unless you’re staying in town, you’ll be stranded here.”
“I wasn’t planning on leaving this room.”
“You should. They do checks after curfew.”
“No.”
“Yes. It would all backfire on you. So go before you miss it.”
He heads out the doorway, giving me one of the dirtiest looks.
“This isn’t over.”
Until I hear his footsteps down the stairs and out the door, I can’t breathe for what feels like hours. All the tears I couldn’t shed before come gushing out. Is this what my life has been reduced to: drama after drama after drama? Am I just a means to an end for people like Shizune and Susumu and Megumi? Is there no value in me? I need to go somewhere to think. Somewhere I can be alone.
The roof. I’ll go to the school roof. It’s getting close to the end of classes anyway, so I can blend in with the other students. I should leave a note or something…
“Went to think, might be back later.
-Aiko”
There. In case anyone comes looking for me. They won’t, though. No one ever does. Not on a stormy day like this. Everyone is trying to run for cover in the rain. They don’t even see me. Typical. Up the stairs, past the classrooms, this place is foreboding in the evening. I just hope the lock doesn’t work on the doors.
It’s wet out here. Dark and wet, interspersed with lightning in the distance. As stormy as I am. Now that I’m here, how do I do this? I know how to think, but to think things like this out seems like a special case. I’m being stalked and threatened by a guy who tried to rape me not even 24 hours after I had a concussion and the nurse tried to molest me. How is anyone supposed to cope with that? What does it mean?
The people around me seem to see me as a tool; something to be used. To Nurse, I’m a sexual plaything for his perversion all in the name of health. To Shizune and Misha, I’m just another body in the student council. Another voice to seemingly approve of their decisions when all the while that was never my decision to make. Megumi only befriended me, if that’s even what I could call it, so she can explore herself and be the girl that hangs out with third years. Susumu…he’s the worst of them all.
Once upon a time, I might have liked what I THOUGHT he was. Which lead to some dates here and there until he became himself. He tormented me, abused me, put me down so low I have only death to look up to. I was nothing to him and he made sure to never let me forget. And when I said no to him, he didn’t listen. I had to run from him. Run so hard my thighs felt as if they were split by meat cleavers and left to sit in a toxic air. I wouldn’t even have been his only one. He cheated the entire time we were together. Like a computer program he would turn on and off at his convenience while running five others simultaneously.
Why do people not care about me for who I am? Have I no redeeming qualities? Have I no soul? I feel like some…accident people are struggling to awkwardly get used to as they try to figure out what to do with me. What did I do wrong? My life otherwise has been typical! Almost too typical, as if my parents only cared about me for my potential to have grandchildren for them. That would explain the relative autonomy I had growing up. Was I just to be left to my own devices while the world turned without me?
I take a peek over the edge through the flimsy fence around the perimeter. It’s a hell of a way to fall, certainly lethal at any rate. And the edges of the roof are rather slick in this weather. Hell, everything is slick. My clothes are supersaturated to the point where I might as well be naked. Naked and vulnerable. Like when Susumu held the knife to my throat. I was powerless. Staring Death in the eye. And…and I wanted him to do it. To jerk it across my neck and leave me.
I wanted to die and escape this mess. That’s what it comes down to, right? No more being used, being a puppet on a string. Spitting right in Fate’s eye and taking a stand, if only in a fall. Unless I was destined to come to this conclusion. The product of circumstances put into motion long before my existence only to reach said moment. So by dying I would be just a means to an end of an end. Maybe Susumu was right and I really am nothing. It hurts my head to think about it. Maybe I’m still hurting from the concussion. I can barely tell the raindrops apart at this point as everything starts to look fuzzy. So why am I not crying, faced with this most nihilistic of conclusions? Am I all out of tears? Am I crying? Or is it just the rain? I can’t tell anymore. I need to have a seat. Yes, that seems right, I think.
As I lower myself, I realize how much give this fence is capable of. I could fall through right now and they wouldn’t really miss me. Sure, they’d cry, but only because now they have to find someone else to be their toy. I was never anything but a joke to them. My thoughts, my words, my ideas: all meaningless drivel no matter how loud or thunderous I was about it. The rain is coming in harder now. Almost typhoon-like. The lightning crackles over head as I silently plead for an answer, for something to hold on to as true, right, and just. This puppet is begging to have her strings cut though it will render her useless and dead. Some sort of sign or cue.
A massive crackle of lightning roars overhead, forcing me to dive into the gravel on the roof. There’s a brilliant explosion of light and sound that I dare not look at, lest I be blinded. As suddenly as it came, it ends as I look up to see what has happened. A section of the fencing has literally exploded off the side, leaving a gap unprotected. A human sized gap.
I asked for a sign. And here it is. Am I ready to act upon it? I climb onto the edge, my heart pounding with the thunder, becoming one with the moment. It will all be over soon.