Baddass Knight Posse Ver 2

Badass Knight Posse
A Dumb RPG made by Jake Newton

Premise:
It’s the days of yore, when Knights are bold, women are objectives and dragons be breathing fire and shitting all over the place. In these great days, Knights would often form bands and go a-questin’, which is technical talk for a fucking awesome road trip across the land, picking up bitches, slaying monsters and rolling in gold. You play one of these amazing knights, joining a group for booze, bitches and battles. Saddle up, motherfuckers!

Select a character
You’re playing with power now! You have a range of excellent knights to pick from, all who are vying for treasure and women and glory! Your character sheet looks like this:

Name: Needs to be a “Sir X” or “Sir X the Y” or something like that. Must be as awesome as possible.
Health: Everyone gets three points of Health. Lose them all, you’re dead and tag along as a ghost. Some kinds of knights can Rez you (see later).
Knight: What kind of Knight you are, dummy! Each knight gets a +1 for a thing, a cool skill and a -1 for a thing.
Fact: A single, specific fact about your knight not covered by the rest of this sheet. “Has a massive penis,” “collects holy grails” and “actually kind of likes dragons” are good facts. “Succeeds at everything” isn’t one. Anyone who puts something like this in gets their ass kicked. A Fact adds +1 to doing anything related to that Fact.

TYPES OF KNIGHTS YOU CAN BE

Paladin!
Paladins are honourable, goodly and all of that stuff. You mess with a Paladin, you mess with God.
Holy: +1 when getting your fight on against zombies or demonic assholes.
Healy: Can rez a dude with a die roll. 1-2 Rezzes them with 1 hp, 3-4 with 2 and 5-6 with 3. Rezzed players keep all their knightly bonuses but lose any Loot they got.
Honorable: -1 for dealing with Princesses because he’s a goody two-shoes.

Red Knight!
Yo momma so fat, she was a dragon. No, seriously. You guys are part dragon.
Speedy: +1 when doing things fast. Calm down, dude!
Fire-spitty: Can set shit on fire with a die roll. If it’s a creature, it takes damage with no way to save its toasty ass.
Yo Momma!: -1 for getting insulted by other Knights. Leave his mom alone, guys.

Black Knight!
The Anti-Paladins of the world. Black Knights don’t take shit from nobody.
Hardcore: +1 for wrecking shit.
Zombies!: Can rez a dude with a die roll. 1-3 Rezzes them with 1 hp, 3-6 with 2. The player is now a Zombie and doesn’t get any bonuses or skills from his chosen knight class, as well as losing his Loot. However, they get +2 to not taking damage because they dead.
Hardhead: -1 to not doing dumb shit. Like, charging at all those orcs isn’t a good idea, but you’ll do it anyway.

Blue Knights!
Beach-goers. Sea-monsters and stuff are their bitches.
Wet: +1 when swimming, diving or fighting shit in water.
Hydro Pump: Water magic! You can fire the baddest hose ever at a dude with a die roll. Targets can defend against it, but get knocked on their ass and lose a die if they lose.
Nerd: -1 for picking up chicks either due to being the science dude or possible homosexuality. That’s cool though, dude. Knights are bros and don’t discriminate.

Pimp Knight!
Pros at the old rescuing business. You need a bitch rescuing, you call these guys.
Pimp: +1 when getting the girls.
Bitchslap: Slap a dude with your massive pimp hand. Your righteous pimpness gives them an extra +1 to whatever they like!
Fancy: -1 for fighting because fuck that, you wanna get these posh purple threads dirty?

Gameplay Structure - The Story
No matter where you going or what/who you’re doing, you’re following a Story. Stories are made of three acts, which in turn are made of three scenes. How these scenes and acts connect is up to the GM so you better be a good storyteller, motherfucker. Protip: Acts should be set within different areas, with the scenes used to transition from one place to another. Think of it as a roadtrip!

In each scene, a knight gets to do three things. These three things are a single concrete action such as “I attack that dragon” or “I lead the princess to safety” and can be taken at any point that player feels like. Anything that could be conceivably two actions, such as “I pull the legendary sword from the stone and attack the ogre” is eligible for Calling Bullshit (see below).

Most importantly, these actions you do have have to be helpful. Stuff like “I stab Sir Swishbuckle in his dick” are dumb and count as Wasted Actions, which basically means your knight stood there with his dick in his hand. If a player keeps doing stuff like this then boot his dumb ass out.

“Wait, so where’s the dice rolls?”
Easy, bro. Here’s the scoop – everyone gets three six-sided die. Whoever’s running the show gets as many die as all the players do combined, got it? There are two ways these die can be used:
•	At any point in the game, when a player does an action, the storyteller or other players may Call Bullshit. This is for when a knight does something awesome or manly or simply fucking amazing. One player may say “Bullshit!” and explain why he takes such issue. The two then use one of their die to roll off and add any bonuses they think are relevant. Whoever wins gets to say what goes down.
•	If anything is fighting anything else, the two guys involved (usually a player and the storyteller) will roll a die and add any relevant bonuses to it. Whoever gets the highest wins and knocks 1 health off the other guy. If a guy rolls a 6, his opponent loses an extra health point. Crit, motherfucker! However, players can Call Bullshit on Crits.
•	Paladins and Black Knights can use a die to Rez dudes if they die. See their stats for more info. Rezzes count as an action and are targets for Calling Bullshit, but a player can only Call Bullshit on a Rez once a game.

Sounds cool? But there’s a catch! Any time you use a die, you lose that die regardless of the result! That means if you have three die and you use one in a fight, you only have two die to play with. But don’t sweat! You gain one die back at the end of each Scene, and all three die back at the start of a new act! This means you gotta think about how you use those die, dude! Do you go for the risk? Or do you play that safe and risk losing the glory?

Creatures to Kill
We have a combat section, so let’s have things to combat. There’s essentially three kinds of enemies our knights will face.
•	Cannon Fodder. Goblins, zombies, Kobolds, giant bats, and all that dumb chaff that everyone blows through. They have 1 health point and get no bonuses but you should put lots of them in a fight.
•	Elite Dudes. Orcs, Skeletons, whatever. Guys like your knights but not as good. They get three health and a +1 to whatever makes sense (Orcs for wrecking shit, Skeletons for not dying).
•	Boss Guys. Not traditional bosses – these guys are just boss as hell and are tough fuckers. They get 5 health, a +1 to something and a -1 weakness. For example, an Ogre gets +1 to clubbing stuff but -1 for anything requiring more brainpower than a sheep.

Combat sections should take up a whole scene, but feel free to go wild with big-ass acts where you climb the colossus or shit.

A brief section on Dragons!
There should be at least one Dragon in each Story, preferably in the third Act. They have 6 health, can breathe fire like Red Knights do, and get +1 to wrecking shit. Kill it! Kill it now!

Loot!
So why do any of this at all? Simple. Sweet, sweet loot.

At the end of an Act, everyone votes on who did the coolest thing, be it boning a princess successfully mid-fight, using their shield as a surfboard, or boning a lady dragon successfully (red knights, looking at you! Yo momma SO fat!). Whoever they vote for gets a sweet bit of kit that gives them +1 to anything related to their greatest deed. To use one of those examples, the guy who boned a princess mid-battle might get a Codpiece of Battle Boning, which gives them +1 to Commiting The Act In Unusual Situations. If there’s a whole bunch of players, you can do first second third place and give those guys Loot. Ties are resolved via die-off.

At the end of the game, whoever gets the most loot wins! Losers get