LaPsbin

Hormones are a Bitch

Mar 22nd, 2016
2,621
Never
Not a member of Pastebin yet? Sign Up, it unlocks many cool features!
  1. >Be Celestia
  2. >Also be happier than you have been in a long, long time
  3. >You were happy because your assumption had been correct
  4. >Even though your husband had been skeptical about your ability to conceive children with him you had known better
  5. >You could carry his child
  6. >You could have a family with you
  7. >You KNEW this in your heart of hearts
  8. > And a few months after your heat you had gotten undenible proof that you were right
  9. >After feeling a little under the weather on a whim you had taken a pregancy test
  10. >To your absolute surprise and utter joy it had been positive
  11. >You had run out of your bathroom like your tail was on fire so that you could find your husband to tell him the news
  12. >Anon had carried you back to your bedroom and had all but forced you take about half a dozen other tests
  13. >When those had all been postive your sunshine had somehow gotten his hands on the royal physician and had all but forced her to check you over
  14. >During that examination both you and Anonymous had been bouncing around the room like a couple of antsy children
  15. >You both hoped with all of your hearts that the tests you had taken weren't faulty
  16. >You so desperately wanted them to be right
  17. >And they were
  18. >After an hour of checking you over the doctor had announced that you were with child
  19. >To say that the two of us were excited was the understand of the century
  20. >You suspected that the whole of Canterlot could heard your husband's wonderfully silly laugh as he picked you up, tears streaming down his face, and spun you around, exclaiming loudly to the whole world that he was going to be daddy
  21. >You weren't too proud to admit that you had cried like a little colt yourself, wrapping both your hooves and wings around your husband's neck and holding onto him as hard as you could
  22. >You were going to be a momma!
  23. >He was going to be a daddy!
  24. >You were going to have a child!
  25. >News got out quick that Princess Celestia Solare, the Princess of the Sun, was with child
  26.  
  27. >From what you had been told every major city in Equestria had celebrated
  28. >For WEEKS you and Anonymous had gotten letters of encouragement and congratulations from foal and adult alike
  29. >It truly warmed your heart that you little ponies had taken the news to well
  30. >Just like when you had managed to work up the courage to ask Anonymous for his hoof in married you had been worried that your subjects would have been outraged that you were going to have a child that might be... different
  31. >But you had been never so wrong
  32. >Not only did they wholehearted welcome your sunshine into the royal family it looked like they were going to give the welcome of the century to your little filly or foal
  33. >You had a husband that you loved more than the sun itself, your people loved and supported your and you were with child
  34. >You and Anon were having a baby
  35. >One that had come from your loins
  36. >A child that was YOURS
  37. >But you were still a Princess of Equestria!
  38. >Even though you had a baby growing in your belly didn't mean you could just slack off!
  39. >No!
  40. >There was still too much work to be done!
  41. >You had laws to pass and diplomats to see and duties to get done!
  42. >But, most importantly, you needed to make sure that your child came into the safest, most stable world imaginable!
  43. >They needed a safe city where they could play safely!
  44. >They needed the best schooling that bits could buy!
  45. >There needed to be more toy stores and soda shops so you could take them to places after preschool so you could bond as a family!
  46. >Your husband, the brains of your relationship, had said that your desire to turn Canterlot into the most perfect child-rearing environment ever imagined was a noble idea
  47. >...But in the same sentence he had said that you were a curd head that needed to take it easy
  48. >You had another "passenger on board" as he said it
  49. >Which meant that you needed to take care of yourself a bit better
  50. >That meant eating better
  51. >That meant getting more sleep
  52.  
  53. >That meant taking a load off and taking it easy
  54. >So you had, under your husband's insistence, given the majority of your duties to your sister and your student Twilight
  55. >No more stressful work for you!
  56. >Nope!
  57. >You had the next twelve months to yourself so that you could re-lax
  58. >Something which you hadn't been able to do since...
  59. >...
  60. >...
  61. >...
  62. >...Forever?
  63. >You honestly couldn't remember the last time that you re-laxed...
  64. >You barely knew the word really...
  65. >Even saying it felt... wrong
  66. >So yeah
  67. >Forever
  68. >But you wanted your child to be healthy when it was born so you had bucked down and gave it a try
  69. >You spent some time with your husband
  70. >You read a few books
  71. >You cleaned up your room a little bit
  72. >And you could honestly say, after experiencing all that re-laxing had to offer, you found that you really didn't care all that much for it
  73. >You didn't care for it at all
  74. >You were used to working from sun up to sunset
  75. >Meeting with ponies, signing and revising documents, getting things done like the marely mare that you were!
  76. >You were a workaholic!
  77. >And you needed you fix DARN IT!
  78. >And all of this waiting around and doing nothing was KILLING YOU!
  79. >And that feeling of bordom/anxiety wasn't helped in any way when your hormones had started running wild during the second and third month of your pregnancy
  80. >You might not have gotten any morning sickness (thank the gods) but that didn't mean you didn't have some problems
  81. >More than once you had gone down to the kitchen and eaten an entire tub of crunchy peanut butter mixed with ketchup and Worcester sauce
  82. >Once or twice you had woken up in the middle of the night with the sudden but all-consuming urge to hold your husband down and rut him until his pelvis broke
  83. >And you weren't even going to get into all of your trips to the bathroom
  84. >...Your child was barely formed and they were already using your bladder as a punching bag...
  85.  
  86. >But even through all of that horse apples you had carried yourself through your pregnancy with dignity and grace
  87. >Even when your stomach started to swell up and your body started aching in all of the wrong places
  88. >Even when you started going to the bathroom more than twenty times a day
  89. >And even when you had accidently eaten your husband's shirt in your sleep because you had been dreaming of ice cream and carrots
  90. >Because you were going to be a mommy
  91. >A mother
  92. >A mum
  93. >A mama
  94. >After month six you had even managed to convince your husband let you to take on a few of your old duties!
  95. >Though you had waddle around to get to places and the toilet bowl was starting to become your new royal throne you could still see to the diplomats!
  96. >And most of the time that was a heck of a lot more enjoyable than it was stressful!
  97. >Which was what you were doing today
  98. >Queen Amira and King Haakim had come all the way from Saddle Arabia to come see you
  99. >They had insisted that it was to revise some trade agreement but you knew better
  100. >The Rulers of the Red Desert had come all this way to see your swollen belly and tease you about it
  101. >Not that you minded; you had done the same with Amira with her first foal
  102. >So there the three of you were, sitting in your private study with a cup of tea in front of you and a bowl full of hay, sauerkraut and mayonnaise, chatting about the topic of children
  103. >"So how has your husband been taking all of this, Celestia?" Haakim asked, mischief in his eyes. "Has he been tearing through the shops grabbing every diaper and bottle that he can get?"
  104. >You quietly groaned as you shoveled another spoonful of your... food into your mouth
  105. >Hmmm...
  106. >Sauerkraut-y
  107. "Actually, Anon's been oddly calm about this," you said. "He's been--"
  108. >Your eyes widened and you quickly put your spoon down
  109. "I need to use the restroom. Excuse me."
  110. >Both Haakim and Amira giggled knowingly as you stood up and made your way toward the bathroom
  111.  
  112. >Whoooooo
  113. >Momma needs to go baaaaaaaad!
  114.  
  115. >Be Prince Anonymous
  116. >Also be pretty annoyed at the moment
  117. >You were walking through the castle with a big glass full of some weird drink that your wife had to drink
  118. >You didn't know WHY she had to drink it, something about it being filled with a whole bunch of essential vitamins and minerals, but what you did know was that she had to drink at least ONE of these glasses a day
  119. >And while Celestia had been eating some weird shit since she had gotten pregnant this drink was a no-go for her
  120. >She HATED the taste and did her best to stay as far away from this drink as possible
  121. >So, being the wonderful husband that you were, you had decided to take it upon yourself to make sure that you wife drank her mystery beverage every single day
  122. >Even if she didn't want to
  123. >Usually it'd be a pain in the ass to track her down but today she was entertaining guests in her private study
  124. >So all you'd have to do was go in there and make her guzzle down her drink and all would be well
  125. >Everyone could continue about their day and you could get your work done
  126. >...Hopefully
  127. >As you arrived at the little room you could see two little horse guards standing there doing what their name suggested
  128. >Seeing you they saluted, stepping away from the door and even opening it for you
  129. >Your wife had tried to be silly and use her guard to keep you away from her when you were coming for drink time but the guard knew better
  130. >They knew who wore the pants about this castle
  131. >Even though you were going to come into the room anyway you decided to be nice and knock
  132. "Celly? You in there? I got your drink."
  133. >"Is that you Anonymous? Please, please, come in!"
  134. >Hmmm...
  135. >Was that Amira and her medium-sized horse husband?
  136. >It sure sounded like them...
  137. >Stepping into the room you see that it was indeed the Saddle Arabians, both of which were smiling warmly at you
  138. >Closing the door behind you you couldn't help but smile back
  139.  
  140. >Out of all of the rulers that Celestia had introduced you too these two were the one's that you liked the most
  141. >Even if they got a little... weird every once in a while...
  142. >"Good afternoon, my lord," Amira said with an inclination of the head. "It is wonderful to see you again."
  143. >"We were wondering if we were even going to see you in this trip," Haakim added as you walked over and sat down. "What with you being so terribly busy all hours of the day."
  144. >You looked over toward the bathroom
  145. "Is my wife getting some business done?"
  146. >The royal couple nodded as you sat the glass down onto the table
  147. >"Yes, the poor thing ran to the bathroom like her tail was on fire," Haakim said, a look of pity on his face
  148. >Even Amira's nose scrunched up
  149. >"It was the same when I was with my first child," she told you. "Running to the bathroom every five minutes... If was not an enjoyable experience to say the least..."
  150. >She nudged her head toward the bowl of...
  151. >...
  152. >What the hell was your wife even eating?
  153. >"That and all of the odd food cravings..."
  154. >Haakim let out a giggle
  155. >"I swear to the stars that she asked our chefs for meat in the seventh month of her pregnancy," he said, leaning against his wife and nuzzling her cheek
  156. >You rested your elbows on the table, your smile widening
  157. "Oh really?"
  158. >Amira must not have liked the tone of your voice because the smile left her face
  159. >Meanwhile, the grin on Haakim's smile grew
  160. >This little horse knew what you were getting at
  161. >You see, you liked to play a game with the rulers of other countries
  162. >A game that only their husbands or significant others really liked to play
  163. >It was "lets tell embarrassing stories about our wives and see how flustered they get because of it"
  164. >You were VERY good at this game
  165. >And as luck could have it so was Haakim
  166. >"Oh it wasn't all bad," the stallion said, trying to act as casual as possible. "You should have seen the way that my little desert rose started to curl into a ball while she slept."
  167. "Sounds cute."
  168.  
  169. >"It warmed my heart every time she did it, especially when she started to rub her stomach and whisper things to our unborn child when she thought that I was asleep."
  170. >Both your and Haakim's smiles grew as Amira started to loudly sweat
  171. > It was time to twist some teats
  172. >IT was time to twist some teats real, REAL hard...
  173.  
  174. >Be Celestia
  175. >Oh sweet baby Luna that was a close one!
  176. >You almost didn't make it to the bathroom in time!
  177. >And when it was all said and done you were pretty sure that you broke a sweat!
  178. >...Yep, you broke a sweat!
  179. >Fanning yourself with a wing you quickly rinsed off your hooves
  180. >You could hear laughter coming from the other side of the door
  181. >Huh...
  182. >It sounded like somepony else was out there with the royal couple...
  183. >Who were Amira and Haakim talking to?
  184. >A small, curious frown came to your face as you walked over toward the door and began to open it, curious as to who else would be in the room with them
  185. >It probably wouldn't be Luna since the lazy-bum was still sleeping
  186. >It wouldn't have been Discord because only he'd be laughing
  187. >Twilight was probably in the middle of court right now to it wasn't her
  188. >So who could it be?...
  189. >Opening the door you saw Amira had draped herself around your husband, her, Haakim, and Anon laughing their heads off
  190. >...
  191. >Now
  192. >You knew that Saddle Arabian culture was a good deal different from Equestrian culture
  193. >Their ideas of personal space were a lot different from your little ponies
  194. >What Amira was doing was in no way sexual or questionable to your husband
  195. >She was just being friendly because her and him were friends
  196. >In your head you knew that
  197. >You KNEW it
  198. >But, as you stood there watching a mare touching YOUR stallion, you couldn't help but let out an angry, horsey snort
  199. >An anger started to well inside of you
  200. >An ancient, primal anger
  201. >Anger one only feels when they see a rival attempting to steal their mate
  202.  
  203. >This anger came on so quickly and with such ferocity that you commonsense was washed away in a tide of rage
  204. >Anon was YOUR's!
  205. >YOOOOUUUUUURRRRRR'SSSSSSS!
  206. >Nopony else could have him!
  207. >NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT!
  208. >Your eyes narrowed and your horn sparked to life
  209. >Both Anon and that HUSSY let out yelp as you picked Anon up and placed him in your chair
  210. >Not anypony else's chair
  211. >YOUR'S
  212. >That was YOUR bucking chair!
  213. >Puffing your chest out and spreading your wings you stomped toward the table
  214. >YEAAAAHHHH!
  215. >GET A LOOK AT THIS PLUMAGE HERE FILLY!
  216. >THERE'S MORE THAN ENOUGH HERE TO BEAT YOU WITH!
  217. >MORETHANENOUGH!!!
  218. >"Oh, there you are, Celestia," your husband said as you walked over toward to him. "We were just-"
  219. >You quickly neighed at the stallion of your dreams, shushing him up
  220. >Mommy didn't have time to talk, honey pie!
  221. >Right now she had a stallion stealer to deal with!
  222. >Amira opened her mouth to say something but you whinnied, puffing your cheeks out and standing on your tippy hooves
  223. >YEAH!
  224. >LOOK AT HOW TALL I AM!
  225. >I'M THE BIGGEST THAT THERE EVER WAS!
  226. >BE THREATENED YOU BUCKING PONYLET!
  227. >Your nostrils flared
  228. >YOUR SCENT WASN'T ON ANONYMOUS!
  229. >HOW THE HAY WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO KEEP OTHER MARES OFF YOUR STALLION IF HE DIDN'T HAVE YOUR STINK?!
  230. >YOU'D FIX THAT RIGHT UP BUTTERCUP!
  231. >AND AFTER THAT YOU'D BEAT THE HORSE APPLES OUT OF THIS HUSSY AND HER HUSBAND!
  232. >WHY?!
  233. >BECAUSE YOU WERE BUCKING PRINCESS CELESTIA!
  234. >AND NOPONY TRIES TO STEAL YOUR MAN AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!
  235. >[Angry horse noises intensifies]
  236.  
  237. >Be Stalwart Shield
  238. >Ya yeah!
  239. >Your shift was over!
  240. >Time to get some grub and hit the hay!
  241. >You hummed a little tune to yourself as you walked down the hallway
  242. >It had been another easy, boring day
  243. >Which, oddly enough, you were days you were starting to really enjoy
  244. >You guess that Gungho was right...
  245. >You SHOULD just sit back and smell the--
  246. >"GET THE BUCK BACK HERE!!!"
  247. BOOM!
  248. >The castle suddendly and unexpectedly began to shake, the sounds of explosions and things breaking coming from not far from where you were
  249. >With a yelp you lost your footing and hit the ground with a painful thud
  250. >What in the name of Celestia was THAT?!
  251. >As you looked down the hall, your eyes wide, you got to watch as Prince Anonymous, wearing nothing but some horribly torn underwear, sprinted down the hallway as fast as his feet could take him
  252. >In either arm were the King and Queen of Saddle Arabia, both whom looked as ragged as he did, screaming in their native language
  253. >Though you didn't know any desert talk you were pretty sure that they were screaming "GO FASTER!"
  254. >...
  255. >...
  256. >...
  257. >What the buck was going--
  258. BOOM!
  259. >You kissed the ground as another explosion rocked the castle
  260. >Not a second later Princess Celestia, her mane and tail ablaze, flew around the corner
  261. >"ANONYMOUS! YOU PUT THAT HUSSY DOWN RIGHT NOW SO SHE CAN FIGHT ME MARE-TO-MARE!!!"
  262. >"Get your ass moving, Private," the prince roared. "My wife's letting her hormones get the better of her!"
  263. >"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M COMPLETELY CALM THANK YOU VERY MUCH! NOW PUT HER DOWN SO I CAN BREAK HER!"
  264. >"STOP GETTING YOURSELF SO WORKED UP! YOU'RE GOING TO HURT THE BABY!"
  265. >"COME HERE AND LET ME RUB MYSELF ON YOOOUUUU!!!!"
  266. >You are Stalwart Shield
  267. >You are now running through the hallways of Castle Canterlot like your tail was on fire
  268. >And right now you're staring to think that you should have taken your dad's advice and been a dentist
  269. >...You would have been a GOOD dentist...
RAW Paste Data