compilation of decent bits

If the “greater than” symbol opens up facing the larger of two numbers, that means that a crocodile is about to eat that number. But that also means that behind that crocodile there is a smaller number about to eat its ass. Math is weird.

Male comedians are always going on about how crazy or insane their ex girlfriend or ex wife is. Apparently the definition of crazy is, “woman who does not want to put up with an egomaniacal, childish asshole.” It just seems like such bullshit to me. “Oh my life is so hard; my girlfriend is so crazy. Sometimes I patronize her or try to hook up with her friends and she just starts these fights completely out of nowhere.” I think my problem is just that I hate all men. Yes, all men. My ex girlfriend was totally crazy, though. Sometimes we would just be sitting there talking and she would all of a sudden experience visual and auditory hallucinations and go into a catatonic state. Girls are crazy.

I was vegetarian for 15 years until somebody told me that chewing meat and spitting it out doesn't make me a vegetarian.

My apartment is readily approaching the point at which I either need to dedicate a couple of days to some serious cleaning, or I need to start developing a neurosis that gives purpose to the mess. It’s not like I have stacks of magazines that I’m too anxious to throw out; it’s just that I have stacks of magazines that are 3 flights of stairs away from the dumpster. Basically I don’t want to be the first person on the show Hoarders just for being insanely lazy. “Yeah go ahead and throw all this junk away; I’ll just pretend to be reluctant long enough for you guys to get the footage you need, then I think I’m going to go get some pizza. By the way, let me know if you come across a cat; we haven’t seen ours in a few weeks now. Oh hey you found him. Yeah just go ahead and throw it out.”

A transgendered friend of mine took her life recently and my sister text me saying, “Everyone keeps referring to him as a “she” and it makes me feel like a right wing nut for still saying “he.” I texted her back, “don’t beat yourself up about it; you’re only one man.” See how she likes it.

There’s this organization called VAPETA, which stands for Vegans Against PETA. That’s probably a pretty cool organization, but if PETA were to ever disband, those guys would look like a bunch of dicks. “Your organization hates people who are for the ethical treatment of animals? That’s a pretty negative stance to take.”

In 1995, Disney changed the world with the release of A Goofy Movie. And then just when we thought we were safe…they dropped An Extremely Goofy Movie in the year 2000. I think we’re past due for a third Goofy movie now. Tentative title: “Seriously, this movie is fucking Goofy.”

I’m pretty new to doing stand up comedy, well actually, that’s not entirely true, because I used to play trombone in a ska band…and that’s basically the same thing. I was standing…people were laughing.

I don’t even know if I like going to punk shows anymore. For one, I hate mosh pits. I bet the first time someone tried to start up a mosh pit, everyone was just like, “ow. Hey, what the fuck? Cut it out dude. Come on.” I was never good at mosh pits anyway. I tried to start one myself once and they just threw me out of the bank. I was just angry about an overdraft fee that I found to be pretty “hardcore,” and I felt like that thought was best expressed through interpretive dance. If they don’t want people moshing in their bank maybe they should put “No Moshing” signs up on the walls. It’s that simple, bank. It’s not punk rocket science.

I’m putting off having children until I’m certain that dogs won’t learn to talk within my lifetime. Because if my dog could talk, why would I ever need to have children? Dogs would say funny enough shit, and that’s the point right? I don’t know. Having children just seems too “first option” for humans. I try to be creative in how I live my life. I’d rather give births to fire turtles or something.

When I was a teenager I used to rebel against anything, now it's just against my slowly forming insanity and my waist line, but I digress. One time I decided I would shock my conservative, Bush loving parents by telling them that I was gay, which I wasn't, but that's just semantics. It backfired on me though, because my mom was just super supportive and accepting and told me that she loved me and that all she cared about was that I was happy. And my other mom was also super supportive. I think I might have misjudged the vibe of my household.

Here's a quick life tip: If you're ever at a Starbucks and a song you like comes on over the PA, you are an infinitely boring person.

I've decided that I want my obituary to read "he died doing what he loved." Now I just need to fall in love with drowning.