Mortdecai (2015) Eng

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MORTDECAI: As you may
well know, I am many things.

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An arts dealer, an accomplished fencer,

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fair shot with most weapons.

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I am loved and respected
by all who know me...

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Slightly.

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But I have always felt

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there's something missing, you see.

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Some final piece of my personal puzzle.

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I needed something bold, distinctive.

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Ah, thank you.

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The work of art with which

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I could declare to the heavens,

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I am Lord Charlie Mortdecai,

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and this little bit of magic

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is my mustache.

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I see.

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Shall we to business then, Fang?

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Would you mind?

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"Find," you said.

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Mmm, and find, I have done.

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The Qianlong vase.

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Very, very rare.

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Low-fired with an immersion glaze?

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None of the southern

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Yangtze ceramics are low-fired.

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But you know that.
You're testing me.

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(GROANS)

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I'm so terribly sorry.
Mosquito. You see it?

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(MORTDECAI CHUCKLES)

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Why don't you test the vase instead?

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I am sure that you will agree

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it is a bargain at two million pounds.

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Everyone knows you're broke.

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You will take one million.

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Ooh.

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Golly, that was a big one! (CHUCKLES)

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Well, have it your way, Fang.

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One million pounds.

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I trust that you have, um,
brought the treasuries?

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I think I'll keep the money.

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And the vase.

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(MUMBLES)

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You cheated me in our last deal.

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(STAMMERING)

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I paid three million for that tapestry,

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then found out it is worth only one!

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(GRUNTS)

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(CHUCKLES)

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You took from me.
Now I will take from you.

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Now, you look here, Fang! Fat. Fang Fat.

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I'm an art dealer, not a charlatan.

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A rogue, perhaps, a scamp

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or scoundrel, I will grant you.

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But never an outright mountebank.

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Enough!

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You owe me.

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I believe a finger would be fair.
Don't you?

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No!

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Oh!

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Jock!

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I wouldn't, mate.
I really wouldn't.

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(MORTDECAI YELPS)

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Jockie, thank heavens!
Where have you been, man?

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Right behind you as always, sir.

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(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

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(SCREAMING)

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Ahh!

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(GRUNTING)

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MORTDECAI: Jock!

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(GRUNTING)

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Well done, Jockie.

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It's a privilege, sir!

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(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

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(SCREAMS)

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Jock, you're ablaze!

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(GRUNTING)

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Well, I think our work here is done.

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- Time to go, sir.
- Ah.

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(SIRENS WAILING)

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MORTDECAI: <i>Jock laid out the state</i>

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<i>of our financial affairs.</i>

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<i>Basically, they involved debt.</i>

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<i>Massive, crushing debt.</i>

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<i>We hurried back to Mortdecai Manor,</i>

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<i>where my beloved wife, Johanna,</i>

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<i>having heard of our financial distress,</i>

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<i>was arriving home</i>

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<i>to sell off some of my prized possessions.</i>

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<i>Even my horsey picture was on the block.</i>

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<i>But I was hopeful my new moustache</i>

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<i>would cheer her up.</i>

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JOHANNA: Darling!

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Oh, God, I missed you terribly.

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MORTDECAI: <i>Johanna. Love of my life.</i>

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<i>Apple of my eye.</i>

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I so wish you had been there.

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(SIGHS)

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Can you imagine the two of us

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in that frigid city,

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only our passions keeping us...

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Whoa! (LAUGHING) What is that?

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Just a little something I cooked up

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whilst you were away, my darling.

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I do believe it was Maggie Thatcher

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who said that kissing a man without

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a moustache is rather like
eating an egg without salt.

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Oh, don't point that thing at me.

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Told ya.

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I have put no inconsiderable thought

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and effort into this endeavor.

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You see, the domain of a man's upper lip

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is his sovereign ground...

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You have five minutes to shave it off.

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Every Mortdecai man before me had the same.
Why can't I?

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Oh, I happen to be terribly fond of it,

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and I have had every intention
of seeing it through.

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You mean it's going to get bigger?

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It will come to fruition, yes.

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(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, darling...

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MORTDECAI: Mmm.

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You really won't shave it off?

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Oh...

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I can't, my duck. Not at this juncture.

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It's not even fully corked. It's a baby.

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- Jock?
- Yes, madam?

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Please, will you make up

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the guest bedroom for Mr. Mortdecai?

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Already have, madam.

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And I shan't be having dinner
downstairs this evening.

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I'll just have a supper tray in my room.

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Very good, madam.

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JOHANNA: Oh...

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I do believe Jock has informed you

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that we are staring down
the barrel of insolvency.

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What do you plan to do about it?

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Right. Yes, well...

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That... Well... Quite.

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First thing we're doing
is selling off that Sheridan.

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(MOANS)

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Oh, my sweet little love beast,

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I am sure that we will
come up with the necessary funds

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by the end of the month.
What is today, the fifth!

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The 26th, sir.

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All right. That gives us six...

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Four days, sir.

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Jock?
Please can you take the Sheridan

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up to London in the morning?

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I'm entering it in the
Autumn Masters Auction.

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Right you are, madam.

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Come, come.
Let's not be rash.

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JOHANNA: Oh, hello, Poppet.

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We cannot go about
selling off family heirlooms willy-nilly.

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I'm afraid I shall have to
put my foot down, darling.

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Sorry?

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With your permission, of course.

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(SIGHS)

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Bugger it.
Oh, there he is.

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Mmm.

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She'll come around, Jock.
How could she not?

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She's only human, sir.

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MORTDECAI: <i>A quick aside about Jock.</i>

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<i>In addition to being my
manservant and thug,</i>

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<i>he also maintains an enviable rate</i>

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<i>of sexual intercourse,</i>

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<i>which can be occasionally problematic.</i>

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<i>Recently, after we'd concluded
the sale of a painting</i>

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<i>To a wealthy turkey farmer...</i>

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(GUNSHOT)

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What was that?

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Get your head down, sir.

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What have you done now, man?

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Ohh!

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Onward, Jock! Onward!

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Don't shoot, farmer!

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Dad! What the hell are you doing?

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Jock! Jock, wait! Jock!

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I have me own apartment!

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Crikey, man! The farmer's daughter?

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I only gave her the once-over.

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Where do you find the time?

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Sorry, twice-over.

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MORTDECAI: <i>Dear, sweet, simple Jock.</i>

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<i>Every man should have a Jock,
don't you think?</i>

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<i>Meanwhile, not far away,</i>

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<i>our fortunes were about
to become intertwined</i>

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<i>with one of the art world's
greatest mysteries.</i>

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<i>And a dead hag.</i>

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(ARROW HISSING)

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(GASPS)

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Bull's-eye.

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GARDENER: Miss Bronwen?
Everything all right?

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(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

193
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Get back behind the tape!

194
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Excuse me.
This is a crime scene.

195
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Hello?

196
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Who is this guy?

197
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You and your men have done

198
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an admirable job stomping
all over the place.

199
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Your services are no longer required.

200
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Sorry, Inspector Martland, sir.

201
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,927
Sorry, sir. I had no idea, sir.

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(CAMERA CLICKING)

203
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Can I have all Thames
Valley police officers

204
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back in their cars, please?

205
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,721
There's been a jurisdictional change.

206
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,527
That painting could be
anywhere by now, sir.

207
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,285
Yes, I suppose it could.

208
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You know we're going to

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00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:20,686
have to ring him, don't you, sir?

210
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,364
No, I do not know that, Maurice.

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No one knows the filthy underside

212
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of the art world better than he, sir.

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00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:26,444
He is the filthy underside.

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00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,521
(SIGHS)

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00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,284
Why did it have to be art?

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MORTDECAI: <i>Inspector Alastair Martland.</i>

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<i>MI5.</i>

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00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,962
<i>Martland and I met at Oxford.</i>

219
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<i>Once in a while I provide him</i>

220
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<i>With some off-the-record help</i>

221
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<i>with the seedier side of art collecting.</i>

222
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<i>And in exchange, he gives me
a wide berth to ply my craft.</i>

223
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:55,201
<i>He is also desperately
in love with my wife.</i>

224
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<i>Rather annoying, really.</i>

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(KNOCK ON DOOR)

226
00:11:58,600 --> 00:11:59,726
What?

227
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,802
Inspector Martland, sir.

228
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,809
What does that blighter want?

229
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:05,801
Tell him to ring back

230
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,166
when my marriage isn't falling apart.

231
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,645
No, he's here, sir.

232
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,250
He is?

233
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,641
Oh, all right.
Wheel him in.

234
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,640
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

235
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:16,481
Don't get up.

236
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I wasn't going to.

237
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,086
Beware the carafe on the top shelf.

238
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It contains water.

239
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<i>Ignoring some of the more</i>

240
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<i>inviting bottles on the drinks tray,</i>

241
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<i>he reached underneath for the big decanter,</i>

242
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<i>and poured himself</i>

243
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<i>a gross amount of what
he thought was my Taylor '31.</i>

244
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<i>Score one for Mortdecai,</i>

245
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,602
<i>for I had filled it with an invalid port</i>

246
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,921
<i>of unbelievable nastiness.</i>

247
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Oh, excellent.

248
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<i>Score two.</i>

249
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MARTLAND: Bit of cheese to go with that?

250
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I should think the special one, Jock.

251
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,648
What is that infernal thing on your lip?

252
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:07,725
Is there a purpose to your presence?

253
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,048
You're in the hole
to Her Majesty's government

254
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,885
to the tune of eight million quid, old boy.

255
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:17,285
I had no idea I was so deep
in Her Majesty's hole.

256
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,849
(JOCK GRUNTING)

257
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God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...

258
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(EXHALING SHARPLY)

259
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,085
(WHIMPERING)

260
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:38,411
(EXHALES)

261
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:40,731
That's not natural.

262
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,091
What do you think?

263
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:47,526
Ugh...

264
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,000
I think this woman has
need of a chiropractor.

265
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,242
Bronwen Fellworthy, Oxford art restorer.

266
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:54,367
Did you know her?

267
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:55,726
Slightly.

268
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,171
I do recall a vague memory
of her having once,

269
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,447
involuntarily, one would hope,

270
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:04,444
releasing a fart

271
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,887
of such frightening power and timbre

272
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,609
that I feared she had done herself

273
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,125
a horrible mischief.

274
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,401
Cheese.

275
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:14,401
MARTLAND: Mmm, thank you.

276
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,523
Three months ago, a small Spanish museum

277
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,046
sent her a Goya to be cleaned.

278
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:33,602
Last night she was killed.
Painting has disappeared.

279
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:36,961
Sad news, particularly for her.

280
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,811
But I don't see what it
has to do with me.

281
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,491
Well, if my men start asking questions,

282
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,329
then the Goya disappears without a trace.

283
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,324
But you, a known trafficker of stolen art, well,

284
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,323
you could make some inquiries.

285
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,042
Why would MI5 be interested

286
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,969
in the theft of a middling Goya?

287
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,890
Mmm.

288
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,007
(GROANS)

289
00:14:58,240 --> 00:14:59,401
Emil Strago.

290
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,402
Fundamentalist, revolutionary,
trained in Syria,

291
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:06,927
fought in Senegal.
An expert in special warfare.

292
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,081
He's linked to a number of

293
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,600
terror attacks all around the world.

294
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,322
All right, he's unpleasant. What of him?

295
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,243
Well, we believe he entered the country

296
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,085
with the purpose of finding that painting.

297
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,242
- Why?
- We don't know why.

298
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,084
But if Strago is involved, well,

299
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,161
suffice it to say,

300
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,760
it's a matter of urgent national security.

301
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,526
And you would like me
to find it before he does?

302
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:30,771
Precisely.

303
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,371
I've given you a lot of rope
over the years, Charlie.

304
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:37,681
But now you're dangling off the end of it.

305
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,523
Help me find that painting,

306
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,688
or I'll have the magistrate open that file

307
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,046
and prosecute at random.

308
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,360
MORTDECAI: <i>It was a catalogue</i>

309
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,290
<i>of some of my more unseemly escapades.</i>

310
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,601
<i>The file was fat and well-handled,</i>

311
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,484
<i>like a Welsh barmaid.</i>

312
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,804
It is apparent that you are
well-versed in the stick.

313
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,565
But what of the well-known carrot?

314
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,050
(SOFTLY) What's in it for me, as they say?

315
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:04,321
Good God, man!

316
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,642
We're talking about a
bloodthirsty extremist

317
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,688
Threatening the lives of your countrymen.

318
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:10,961
Well, if you won't do it for me,

319
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,405
do it for Queen and Country.

320
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,245
- No!
- (JOCK CLEARS THROAT)

321
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,725
All right, Queen and Country,

322
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,729
travel and living expenses,
reasonable overhead.

323
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:20,241
Ten percent, sir.

324
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,483
And 10 percent of the insurance money

325
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:24,721
as a finder's fee.

326
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,201
Done.

327
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,926
Oh, and incidentally,
I asked for some cheese,

328
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:32,771
not an instrument of biological warfare.

329
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,767
MORTDECAI: Score one for Martland.

330
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:40,766
- Martland...
- God.

331
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,922
...what else can you tell me about Strago?

332
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,604
Well, he's colorblind
and he's allergic to cashews.

333
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,924
Goody. Every subject of the Crown and

334
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,008
every cashew in the Kingdom
shall sleep safely.

335
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:52,600
Johanna, you look lovely.

336
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,561
Alastair.

337
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,090
Ooh, you do look lovely, darling.

338
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,089
So absolutely lovely.

339
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:00,885
I thought that was you.

340
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:02,441
Radiant...

341
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,401
MORTDECAI: <i>Martland
also met Johanna at school.</i>

342
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:07,720
<i>After a three-year courtship,</i>

343
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,285
<i>he finally worked up the courage</i>

344
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,442
<i>to express his feelings to her.</i>

345
00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:14,124
<i>In verse.</i>

346
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:15,930
- Johanna, do you...
- Oh!

347
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,283
MORTDECAI: <i>Rotten timing for him.</i>

348
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,090
- Hello! (CHUCKLES)
- Martland.

349
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,767
Would you mind terribly,
dear boy, the door?

350
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,602
Course, I'll just, uh...
I'll shut the door.

351
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,802
Now, what's all this about a missing Goya?

352
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,801
Oh, it's the house. Terribly vast.

353
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,331
Echo-ey, don't you know?

354
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,640
(CHUCKLES)

355
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,408
Well, that's classified
information, I'm afraid.

356
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,050
You know, state secrets and what have you.

357
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,241
Mmm.

358
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,482
My husband is trying to reclaim his youth

359
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,250
by growing that horrible moustache.

360
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,641
Do inform him that that ship has sailed.

361
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,128
Every Mortdecai man before me has had one.

362
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,322
And I will have you know that some members

363
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,926
of the fairer sex do
find it quite appealing.

364
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,569
Whom exactly?

365
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,765
(SCOFFS)

366
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,321
No one in particular, of course.

367
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,086
Metaphoric woman... Women.

368
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:09,604
Metaphorically... General... You know.

369
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,526
If you are growing that
excrement on your lip

370
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,005
to please another, know this:

371
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:15,647
I will kill her.

372
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:20,686
Oh, Alastair.
It's so lovely. Do come back.

373
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,365
It's so wonderful to have someone

374
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:24,602
of reasonable intelligence
to converse with.

375
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,165
I'd be delighted.

376
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,762
Do I detect a slight crack
in the marital armor?

377
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,123
A mere tiff, old bean. Nothing more.

378
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,368
Oh, really?
Seems like more than a tiff to me.

379
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:36,966
My wife needs to come around

380
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,008
to a certain viewpoint. That is all.

381
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:41,645
Well, good luck, mate.

382
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,201
See what you can dig up about that Goya.
Usual channels.

383
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,441
We'll meet in London tomorrow.

384
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,561
Of course.

385
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,122
EMIL: I had the painting in my hand.

386
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,009
Someone must have known I was coming.

387
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,889
Milton Krampf?
The American?

388
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,490
Well, it must have been his dealer.

389
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,891
(SIREN WAILING IN THE DISTANCE)

390
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,929
Krampf's dealer, what is his name?

391
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,530
Mortdecai.

392
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,211
(GRUNTS)

393
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,845
MORTDECAI: Johanna, my darling.

394
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,366
My... My love. My...

395
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,891
My only true love.
My love beast.

396
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,765
My rumpus room rascal. (INHALES)

397
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,690
Ooh, you have no idea

398
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,888
the beast you are about to receive.

399
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:40,886
Mmm...

400
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:46,886
Johanna?

401
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,049
Are you all right in there, darling?

402
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,760
It is I, Charlie.
Your husband.

403
00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,441
What is it?

404
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,968
Oh, moon of my delight.
This is your own personalized

405
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,442
Sheik of Araby who seeks
admission into your tent.

406
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,447
I have come to carry you off
to the burning desert,

407
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,722
and work my greasy will upon you...

408
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,131
(SQUEAKING)

409
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,645
...under the tropical stars.

410
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,970
Send your camel to bed, damn it!

411
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:19,641
(SIGHS)

412
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:23,242
My Sheik, does this mean
you have excommunicated

413
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:24,965
that moustache of the Prophet?

414
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,131
I'll trim it.

415
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:30,651
(SIGHS)

416
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:33,561
Darling,

417
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,768
I am embarking on a very dangerous escapade

418
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,571
from which I may not well return.

419
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,004
And it is customary in these situations

420
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,485
for, you know,

421
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,167
a proper send-off.

422
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,480
Quick session of congress.

423
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,010
Sink the <i>Bismarck,</i> if you will.

424
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,689
And by the way, did I mention

425
00:20:57,120 --> 00:21:00,010
it is a matter of national security.

426
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,001
Mmm.

427
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,851
It's very difficult for me as well, you know,

428
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,689
this thing that's come between us.

429
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,204
I know, darling.

430
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,521
- Mmm.
- No, no. Steady yourself.

431
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,210
(BOTH GAGGING)

432
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,724
I beg you, darling, please.

433
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,802
You know I have a sympathetic gag reflex.

434
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,367
Oh, God. (SWALLOWS) It's unbearable.

435
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:34,960
You will get used to it. I promise.

436
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,371
Why should I have to?

437
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:38,330
I'm invested in it.

438
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,404
Why can't you invest
in saving us from financial ruin?

439
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,562
Or do you want me
to sort it out for you?

440
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:49,042
Heavens, no.
You needn't worry yourself.

441
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,845
I have things firmly in hand.

442
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,041
Oh...

443
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,091
(BOTH GAGGING)

444
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,161
(JOHANNA GROANS)

445
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,241
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

446
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,765
My love, you are killing me. Please.

447
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:08,243
It looked like you have
a vagina on your face.

448
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:09,566
(SIGHS)

449
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:10,767
(INHALES DEEPLY)

450
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,360
Surely you mean
the pubic hair above a vagina.

451
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,603
I simply cannot get my head
around that image.

452
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,091
Oh, Charlie...

453
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,401
However,

454
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,000
now that you've mentioned it,

455
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:25,527
I'm unable to steer my mind away from it.

456
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,683
Ugh, go stuff a mattress with that thing!

457
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,450
The moustache, I mean.

458
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:39,520
COMMENTATOR 1: ...Sheamus is able to do

459
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:41,125
<i>with a steel chair in hand.</i>

460
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,361
COMMENTATOR 2: Here we go.

461
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:43,971
- (WINCES)
- Oh...

462
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:46,126
Jockie,

463
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,968
What if it isn't just a tiff?

464
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:54,128
What if this is the
well-known "it," as it were?

465
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:55,805
That'd be awful.

466
00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:57,565
WOMAN: Jock?

467
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,131
Are you coming back to bed?

468
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,645
Yeah, give us a minute, love.

469
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:07,961
Hi.

470
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,487
Hello.

471
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,406
And myself sleeping alone.

472
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:21,007
How do you think this
makes me feel, man?

473
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,241
I dunno, sir.

474
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,248
Dash it all, I am resolved.

475
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,401
If it is money we need,

476
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:27,925
then it is money we shall have.

477
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,161
WOMAN: Jock?

478
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:31,285
That's me.

479
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,245
Tomorrow we shall sell off the Rolls

480
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,324
to that vulgar American, Milton Krampf,

481
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:42,606
and we will find that painting
if it is the last thing we do.

482
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:43,681
Right-y-oh.

483
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:45,006
I'll call Spinoza in the morning.

484
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:46,809
- Yes, do.
- Good night, sir.

485
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,161
Jock?

486
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:49,960
Yes, sir?

487
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,002
Do you think it will be
all right in the end?

488
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:53,851
I couldn't say, sir.

489
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,171
Mmm...

490
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:03,691
(GAGGING)

491
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,326
MORTDECAI: <i>My first stop was
to see Sir Graham Archer,</i>

492
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,490
<i>rival art dealer and Goya specialist.</i>

493
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:19,801
<i>A permanent fixture at</i>

494
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:22,042
<i>Sedgwick's Auction House in Kensington.</i>

495
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,802
I will meet you at
Spinoza's in one hour.

496
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,211
Right you are, sir.

497
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:41,166
MORTDECAI: <i>Sir Graham has been</i>

498
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,402
<i>the rudest man in England for years.</i>

499
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,327
<i>Recently, he's been working
his way up to the wickedest.</i>

500
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:49,041
(YELPS)

501
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,005
(LAUGHS)

502
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,005
Looks like something
curled up and died on your lip.

503
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,929
It's not herpetic, I hope.

504
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,242
Hello, Sir Graham, you old member.

505
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,762
Ooh! Who are you hiding in your belly?

506
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:02,844
I see you've put your Sheridan up

507
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,251
in next week's sale.

508
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,410
Hard times, old boy?

509
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:07,761
No, no, no, no.

510
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:09,370
Just getting rid of some choice items

511
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:10,601
while the market's right.

512
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,851
What do you make of
this Bronwen business, eh?

513
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,446
Huh. Ghastly affair.

514
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,046
One always bemoans
the loss of a great restorer.

515
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:23,044
Old bag.
She should have put locks on her doors.

516
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,124
You used her frequently, didn't you?

517
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:27,965
Not lately.

518
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,122
She's been unavailable for three months.

519
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:32,803
The Goya she was cleaning.

520
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:36,809
Rather simple job, wouldn't you say?

521
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,201
Usual dirt and grime
one finds on the Spaniards.

522
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:42,808
Haven't the foggiest why
it took her so long.

523
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,245
What's your sudden interest, if I may ask?

524
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:51,407
A client with a mild curiosity, that's all.

525
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:52,641
Oh.

526
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:54,566
Mmm...

527
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:59,487
We must go shooting again.
Jock has fully recovered.

528
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:06,320
Ooh.

529
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,170
There's only one reason

530
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,409
you might be interested
in a museum-owned Goya,

531
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,485
and that's because there's money involved.

532
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,844
You are mistaken, sir.

533
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:22,250
There's a great deal of money involved.

534
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:23,931
(LAUGHING)

535
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,524
I've always admired your rapacity, sir.

536
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,687
I say, Sir Graham, I wonder,

537
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,531
your, mmm, protrusion...

538
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:40,762
Might it be
possible to swing the old fellow north,

539
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:41,966
as it were?

540
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,371
(INHALES SHARPLY)

541
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:47,691
Who's the client?

542
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,603
Terribly sorry, sworn to secrecy.

543
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:53,521
(EXHALES)

544
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:55,290
Perhaps a brisk walk down the stairs

545
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:58,125
will do some good. Yes.

546
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,651
So it's that sort of Goya.

547
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:07,041
ON PHONE: <i>Romanov.</i>

548
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:08,161
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

549
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,566
That painted lady you've
been searching for,

550
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,405
I believe she may be in play.

551
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:17,565
<i>I want that painting.</i>

552
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:26,401
MARTLAND: Johanna!

553
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:28,006
Alastair.

554
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,005
So glad you called.

555
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,370
I've asked for a Chardonnay.
That is your drink, isn't it?

556
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:36,410
- Oh, you remembered.
- Mmm.

557
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:39,403
Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT)

558
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,488
Oh, God. How thoughtless of me.

559
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:42,846
You're on duty.

560
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:45,766
And in charge, thank you very much.

561
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:48,321
Mmm.

562
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:50,243
To what do I owe the pleasure?

563
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,681
I was just in the neighborhood
and thought I'd pop 'round,

564
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:55,161
and see how
you secret agent men run the world.

565
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:57,163
(CHUCKLES) Not nearly.

566
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,686
Although it is terribly vital work.

567
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:02,730
It's not all chardonnay
and afternoon trysts.

568
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:04,441
Is this a tryst?

569
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:09,286
No, no. No, no, no, no, no.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

570
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,602
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

571
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,127
- No, I was just, um...
- Of course you were.

572
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,121
How are things at home?

573
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:21,805
(INHALES)

574
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:23,723
You've touched a nerve.

575
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,370
You've sensed it, Alastair.

576
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,124
You always were the sensitive one.

577
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:29,602
- You've got a difficult chap.
- Beastly.

578
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:31,046
Bit of a moron, actually.

579
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:33,083
Maybe I should have an affair. (CHUCKLES)

580
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,443
- Wouldn't that be funny?
- Hilarious.

581
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:37,485
Do you think I could keep it a secret?

582
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:39,722
- Yes!
- Well then, what's the point?

583
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:41,969
Now, tell me, what are you and my husband

584
00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:43,326
working on at the moment?

585
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,809
Oh, uh... Well, in vague terms

586
00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:48,680
there's a very bad man
who wants what I want,

587
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:49,721
and I'm trying to stop him.

588
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,086
And what does a missing Goya

589
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:53,481
have to do with national security?

590
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:55,081
In vague terms.

591
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:57,490
- Johanna...
- (GASPS)

592
00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:00,325
You think poor
Miss Fellworthy stumbled into something,

593
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,010
and that's why she got killed.

594
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:03,925
I really can't say.

595
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,163
Oh, this is interesting.

596
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,200
Creates quite a market when a painting

597
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:10,089
with a little mystery goes missing.

598
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:11,321
So much to do.

599
00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:13,641
What was the name of
Bronwen's college at Oxford?

600
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:16,525
Johanna, I simply can't.

601
00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:19,170
Right. Sorry.

602
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,445
Oh, golly. Look at the time.
I really must be going.

603
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:24,601
Oh.

604
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:25,920
It was lovely to see you, Alastair.

605
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:28,446
Thank you ever-so-much
for letting me confide in you.

606
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,002
I feel that I could
share anything with you.

607
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:36,606
Don't you feel the same?
That you could share with me?

608
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:39,291
Bronwen's college?

609
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:40,761
You're rather monstrous.

610
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:42,120
Of course you're aware of that.

611
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:45,046
- Blackfriar's Hall.
- We must do this again.

612
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,006
(SIGHS)

613
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:48,521
Hopeless.

614
00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:57,482
MORTDECAI: <i>Besides being
the finest garage man</i>

615
00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:58,891
<i>in Western Civilization,</i>

616
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:02,802
<i>Spinoza was the best
art smuggler in the business,</i>

617
00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:07,886
<i>and the eyes and ears
of the art world's underbelly.</i>

618
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:12,885
Ah! Hello, Spinoza, you handsome devil!

619
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:14,689
It's a fine day to be alive, what?

620
00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:17,008
You bloody chicken, bloody monkey,

621
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,526
so good-for-nothing pot of piss, innit?

622
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,564
Spinoza, you silver-tongued scallywag.

623
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:24,331
What's the matter with you, eh?

624
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,404
You one book short of a library,
you maggot? Eh?

625
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:29,005
You one megabyte short of a RAM?

626
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:30,241
MORTDECAI: <i>The rest was a bit rude,</i>

627
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:31,520
<i>so I won't quote him verbatim.</i>

628
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,170
<i>But what vexed him so</i>

629
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:35,402
<i>was a matter of some
overdue bills on the Rolls,</i>

630
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:37,522
<i>which I had now asked him to package</i>

631
00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:40,046
<i>and ship off to America on credit.</i>

632
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:43,081
You mother-loving bastard! Hello.

633
00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:44,521
Right.

634
00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:46,841
Uh, Spinoza, I did not come here to discuss

635
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:48,843
my relationship with my mother, uh,

636
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:50,729
nor my relationship to your mother.

637
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,362
Uh, no. We have two items of business.

638
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:55,602
Item one: The Rolls-Royce,

639
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:57,848
which I have reluctantly agreed to sell

640
00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,685
to that thick-fingered American, Krampf.

641
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:05,286
Item the second: I need to ascertain

642
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:08,609
whether any unsavory
types have enlisted you

643
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:11,246
to smuggle a painting
out of the country recently.

644
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:16,123
And for your information, I am holding up

645
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:19,087
a 50-pound note.

646
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:22,565
Never mind about that.

647
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,723
You should treat a jam jar car like this

648
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:27,485
with more respect when you drive it

649
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:29,244
down the frog and toad road.

650
00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:31,721
It's not some Toyota Clitoris.

651
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:33,121
- No, no.
- No!

652
00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:35,925
Is a Rolls... The bloody Silver,

653
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:38,726
the whacking Cloud, the bollock Royce!

654
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:41,411
Someone shooting at the bloody car!

655
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:43,005
- Ooh.
- (GROANS)

656
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:44,570
- (SCREAMS)
- Someone shooting at me!

657
00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:46,005
(GUNFIRE)

658
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,121
(GROANS)

659
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:48,241
(MORTDECAI EXCLAIMS)

660
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:55,966
MORTDECAI: I'm armed!

661
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:00,007
(MAN GROANS)

662
00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:05,684
- Oh, Jock!
- Yeah.

663
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:06,841
Oops.

664
00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:08,769
<i>I should probably mention</i>

665
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:11,161
<i>that this was not
the first time I had shot Jock.</i>

666
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:15,369
Come on, you little bastards.
Come out and get it.

667
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:17,724
- (SCREAMS)
- (GUNSHOTS)

668
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:19,207
Oh!

669
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:22,681
(SQUAWKING)

670
00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:28,161
Oh, afraid I'm all thumbs
with these damn things!

671
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:30,091
- Ohh!
- (THUDS)

672
00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:31,207
Oh.

673
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:32,810
I believe I've just shot Jock.

674
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:34,041
Quite.

675
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:37,007
Man down! Man down!

676
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:38,645
Could you give me the gun, please?

677
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:39,801
This bit?

678
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:41,723
- Yes, most... No, no.
- (GRUNTS)

679
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:44,806
Oh, and poor Spinoza...

680
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:46,883
You should go, sir, before
the shooter circles 'round.

681
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:48,200
I'll handle things on this end.

682
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:49,521
Quite.

683
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:51,565
Cover me, as it were?

684
00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:52,887
Yes, sir.

685
00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:56,724
That's the old feudal spirit, Jock.

686
00:32:56,880 --> 00:32:58,041
Get in.

687
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:00,210
- (GUNFIRE)
- MORTDECAI: Oh, dear!

688
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:03,040
(SCREAMS) Oh!

689
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:04,241
(SIGHS)

690
00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:05,567
Oh, Jock.

691
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:07,091
- Jock?
- Yeah?

692
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:08,531
The door? Please?

693
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:15,686
(SIGHS) Right. Gosh, it's been ages.

694
00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:16,921
(ENGINE STARTS)

695
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:22,321
(TIRES SCREECHING)

696
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:23,606
(SCREAMING)

697
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:27,605
(GRUMBLING IN ANNOYANCE)

698
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:31,526
(JOCK MOANING)

699
00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:34,366
Goodness, that's awkward.

700
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:35,680
It's all right, sir.
It's all right.

701
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:36,841
It's just a cracked rib.

702
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:39,361
Please, sir, if you wouldn't mind

703
00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:40,640
leaving out the back. On foot.

704
00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:42,125
(STAMMERING) By myself?

705
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:43,287
Please, sir. Just leave.

706
00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:44,521
(CONTINUES GRUMBLING)

707
00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:48,127
(GUN CLICKING)

708
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,126
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear,
oh, dear, oh, dear...

709
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:52,446
Oh!

710
00:33:52,880 --> 00:33:53,961
Give me the painting.

711
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:56,042
(STAMMERING) What makes
you think I have it?

712
00:33:56,280 --> 00:33:57,725
Give me the painting!

713
00:33:58,040 --> 00:33:59,201
Ooh...

714
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:01,521
That is a superb Hulihee sans sideburn,

715
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:02,766
I must say.

716
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:04,724
I was admiring your Franz Joseph.

717
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:05,801
Oh, thank you very much.

718
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,043
- Oh!
- I'll have it on my wall.

719
00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:09,281
Jock?

720
00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:10,880
(GROANS)

721
00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:12,320
(BRAKES SCREECHING)

722
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:14,124
- Oh, well done.
- (TIRES SCREECHING)

723
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:17,241
What should I do now?

724
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:18,771
- Run, sir!
- Again?

725
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:20,450
- Yes!
- Oh...

726
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:26,006
Run, I shall, like a bloody gazelle!

727
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:27,725
The Mortdecai men have always

728
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:29,723
been in tip-top shape, don't you know?

729
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:31,446
Fit as a fiddle!

730
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:35,006
(YELLING)

731
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:38,686
(SCREAMING)

732
00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,962
(PANTING) Oh, it's burning...
I... I can't go on...

733
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:51,680
(GROANING)

734
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:53,321
Want to die...

735
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:55,286
No, I don't.

736
00:34:57,840 --> 00:34:59,126
(SCREAMING)

737
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:00,361
Sir!

738
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:02,850
I'm on the bonnet!

739
00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:04,924
Get in the car, sir!

740
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:07,041
(GRUNTING)

741
00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:10,045
I don't like it!

742
00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:13,211
(TIRES SCREECHING)

743
00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:14,441
(SCREAMING)

744
00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:15,681
Oh!

745
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:17,646
Ah! Oh!

746
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:19,041
Oh! Hello!

747
00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:20,886
(GROANING)

748
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:23,961
(TIRES SCREECHING)

749
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:30,642
Jockie! Advise?

750
00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:32,849
- Get in the back seat, sir!
- Okay!

751
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:35,205
Whoa.

752
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:41,561
Ha! Foreigner!

753
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:43,686
(YELPS) No!

754
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:45,405
Out you go!

755
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:49,481
(HORN HONKING)

756
00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:54,926
(BOTH GROANING)

757
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:56,246
- Oh, Jock!
- Oh.

758
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:57,401
Don't worry, sir.
I'm all right.

759
00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:58,481
I am all right.

760
00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:01,006
No, no, man!
My little sproutling.

761
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,089
- What?
- Has it been compromised?

762
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:07,681
(SIREN WAILS)

763
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:16,684
MORTDECAI: Well done, Jock.

764
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:18,166
JOCK: It's a privilege, sir.

765
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:20,360
Didn't take long for you
to make a mess of things.

766
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:22,886
Oh, you listen here, you do-gooder!

767
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:25,447
Your Emil Strago just killed my garage man

768
00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:27,204
and physically assaulted my person.

769
00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:29,607
He seems to think that I have the painting.

770
00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:30,841
What have you found?

771
00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:32,206
Well, I will tell you that

772
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:34,442
there is more here than meets the eye.

773
00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:36,688
No painting takes three months to clean,

774
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:38,205
so I believe that Bronwen

775
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:39,805
was working on the Goya

776
00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:41,882
and discovered something underneath.

777
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:42,961
(SIRENS WAILING)

778
00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:44,445
I should like to see her
studio immediately.

779
00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:46,210
In the cars, quickly. Maurice, Oxford.

780
00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:47,361
Yes, sir.

781
00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:57,961
GARDENER: <i>I've been
helpin' out Miss Fellworthy</i>

782
00:36:58,080 --> 00:36:59,491
<i>goin' on five years now.</i>

783
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:02,084
Just keepin' the place tidy and whatnot.

784
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:06,046
You have been grossly overcompensated.

785
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:07,441
Her lover was no help.

786
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:09,530
Lover? Bronwen?

787
00:37:09,720 --> 00:37:10,926
Yeah, a Duke.

788
00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:13,168
No help whatsoever, randy bugger.

789
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:20,087
"Love... your... Bunny."

790
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:22,361
Love your Bunny?

791
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:23,807
(EXCLAIMS)

792
00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:25,803
A child!
She spawned a child!

793
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:28,121
The woman bred!
What an odious thought.

794
00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:29,201
Ugh.

795
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:31,209
- Mmm.
- Don't imbibe the crime scene.

796
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:33,801
I found her here, sprawled over the table,

797
00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:35,166
with an arrow out of her back.

798
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:36,441
Course you did, man,

799
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:37,601
because the assailant fired from here.

800
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:39,723
- No, from the window.
- With a spear gun.

801
00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:41,888
- With a crossbow.
- He was left-handed.

802
00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:43,923
- Jesus Christ.
- Ha!

803
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:46,564
- Is this how she was found?
- (GROANS)

804
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:48,369
- What are you doing?
- Oh, no. To the left a bit.

805
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:50,602
- Like this?
- Sorry, I meant to the right.

806
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:52,444
- Like this? Like this?
- (GROANS)

807
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:54,842
Are you quite finished buggering around?

808
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:56,845
- No.
- (MAURICE WHIMPERS)

809
00:37:57,360 --> 00:38:01,331
Because I have a question for you, old bean.

810
00:38:01,720 --> 00:38:04,326
Will I be given a badge,
nestled in some sort of

811
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:07,603
cheap, leather encasement, just like on telly?

812
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:09,769
- Maurice?
- Sir?

813
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:11,683
Show him the photographs. Excuse me.

814
00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:14,884
These were found in her camera.

815
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:17,322
Yeah, like I told the lady earlier today,

816
00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:18,726
Miss Bronwen would take photos

817
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:20,564
of each stage of her work, bless her.

818
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:22,087
Which lady?

819
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:26,447
Well, the lady with the hair and brain.

820
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:30,846
I may have (CLEARS THROAT)
mentioned Bronwen

821
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:32,206
to Johanna at lunch today.

822
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,489
You were luncheoning with my wife?

823
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:39,041
Let's look at the photographs.

824
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:40,610
Yes, let's look at the photographs.

825
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:43,040
Horrible composition.

826
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:46,369
Lighting positively medieval.

827
00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:49,562
This one taken by accident,
utterly useless...

828
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:50,920
Ooh...

829
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:52,161
Hang on a tic.

830
00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,401
That is not your Goya.

831
00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:57,200
What do you mean?

832
00:38:57,280 --> 00:39:00,409
That is not the same
painting as the others.

833
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:03,727
Where have I seen that hand
before in the background?

834
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:06,721
Finger pointing down. Ring.

835
00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:09,766
(GASPS) Good Lord!
It couldn't be!

836
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:11,446
Couldn't be what?

837
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:13,730
To the library, chaps!

838
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:17,201
Ah!

839
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:19,966
There has never been

840
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:22,008
an accurate reproduction because

841
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:25,010
it vanished after the unveiling, but

842
00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:27,242
I do remember that there was an etching

843
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:28,810
or some such hint of...

844
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:30,684
Ah, there it is.

845
00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:33,325
<i>The Duchess of Wellington.</i>

846
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:37,324
Bronwen has found the lost Goya.

847
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:40,849
Goya was commissioned
by Charles IV of Spain

848
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:42,809
to paint her in 1792.

849
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:47,008
Uh, she was said to be
his greatest masterpiece.

850
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:48,886
Unfortunately,

851
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:53,361
she was also
said to have been the King's mistress.

852
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:56,329
The Queen was unamused.

853
00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:59,809
<i>Humiliated, she ordered
the painting to be burned.</i>

854
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:02,441
<i>But instead it was stolen
and secreted away.</i>

855
00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:03,681
(HORSE NEIGHING)

856
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:07,446
<i>Some say that Goya himself
engineered the theft.</i>

857
00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:14,202
For 200 years, the painting
was sought by collectors,

858
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:15,925
craved by the mighty,

859
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:18,128
and became the stuff of legend.

860
00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:19,771
And is the legend true?

861
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:21,246
Does it matter?

862
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:24,164
The truth is nice,
but a rumor is priceless.

863
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:26,562
What does Strago want with it?

864
00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:28,160
If it does exist, it belongs to Spain.

865
00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:29,320
If anyone tried to sell it,

866
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:30,361
they'd be arrested on the spot.

867
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:31,965
Yes, well, that is where the story

868
00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:33,246
gets interesting, you see.

869
00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:38,648
The Duchess pops up again
in France in 1943,

870
00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:41,488
<i>looted from some sealed room</i>

871
00:40:41,560 --> 00:40:44,370
<i>in an unpronounceable
chateau by the jerrys.</i>

872
00:40:44,920 --> 00:40:46,888
<i>Hermann Goering was said to have been</i>

873
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:48,041
<i>obsessed with the painting,</i>

874
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:51,524
<i>and there are rumors
that he inscribed on it</i>

875
00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:55,771
<i>the codes to his numbered
Swiss bank account.</i>

876
00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:59,443
Untold riches and all that, what?

877
00:40:59,920 --> 00:41:00,967
But

878
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:05,765
when the allies captured Goering...

879
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:08,287
Out of the way, out of the way.

880
00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:10,440
...there was no mention of the painting.

881
00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:15,364
It had vanished once again into history,

882
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:18,446
and the secret bank accounts along with it.

883
00:41:18,520 --> 00:41:19,806
What are we talking about here?

884
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:21,644
Hundreds and hundreds of millions,

885
00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:22,801
surrounded by all that

886
00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:25,964
Gruyere, chocolate, and fine wines.

887
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:27,605
Well, that's what Emil's after.

888
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:28,847
The fine wine?

889
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,685
No, the fortune to fund
violent worldwide revolution.

890
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:32,801
Right!

891
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:34,644
Multiple attacks over the years to come,

892
00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:36,000
countless lives are at stake.

893
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:38,043
That painting should be destroyed.

894
00:41:38,200 --> 00:41:41,647
Yeah. Fingers crossed,
chaps, you find it first.

895
00:41:41,720 --> 00:41:42,767
I'm off for a wee.

896
00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:47,881
Ah...

897
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:49,481
- (UNZIPS)
- Mmm...

898
00:41:49,560 --> 00:41:50,800
(HUMMING)

899
00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:53,049
Mmm... (URINATING)

900
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:55,851
(EXHALES)

901
00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:58,080
(SIGHS)

902
00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:04,560
(CHUCKLES)

903
00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:06,961
I'm deeply, deeply flattered, young man.

904
00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:11,921
However, I myself do not swing that...

905
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:14,202
Oh, Golly! I have read about this.

906
00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:16,361
Ohh.

907
00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:20,964
<i>I sunk into an uneasy slumber,</i>

908
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:25,810
<i>interspersed curiously with erotic dreams.</i>

909
00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:04,928
Lady Mortdecai, the Duke is expecting you.

910
00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:06,921
This way.

911
00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:12,610
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)

912
00:43:14,240 --> 00:43:16,846
Her Lady Mortdecai to see you, Your Grace.

913
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:19,325
The Duke of Asherboroughdon.

914
00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,607
Your Grace. So kind of you to see me.

915
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:25,406
Lady Mortdecai.

916
00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:26,686
(LAUGHING)

917
00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:30,967
You'll forgive me just a moment, I'm sure?

918
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:32,691
- Of course.
- (LAUGHING)

919
00:43:38,240 --> 00:43:39,730
Lady Mortdecai.

920
00:43:42,200 --> 00:43:43,361
Johnson!

921
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:47,331
Who is this woman Mortdecai
and what does she want? Hmm?

922
00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:49,130
Well, I don't know.
I don't know.

923
00:43:49,200 --> 00:43:50,326
Why wasn't I told?

924
00:43:51,240 --> 00:43:53,242
She's so damned attractive.

925
00:43:54,160 --> 00:43:55,571
(STAMMERING) Hello? Hello?

926
00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:57,330
Oh...

927
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:02,841
Water bailiff.

928
00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:05,804
Had to speak to the water bailiff

929
00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:07,484
about my water.

930
00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:12,690
Fishing tomorrow, you know. Hate it. Sit.

931
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:14,925
Bloody nuisance.

932
00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:17,286
(GRUNTS)

933
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:18,407
Your Grace,

934
00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:21,245
I understand you were close
with Bronwen Fellworthy.

935
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:22,965
- Yes.
- I'm very sorry.

936
00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:24,087
(SCOFFS)

937
00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:25,764
Her gardener gave me your name,

938
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:27,968
and I wondered...

939
00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:29,969
The painting she was
working on in the end...

940
00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:31,610
(PHONE RINGING)

941
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:32,727
What?

942
00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:35,604
No, I can't understand a word she says.

943
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:37,570
I've been trying to get rid of her,

944
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:39,404
but she's so damned attractive.

945
00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:41,566
Sorry. You were saying?

946
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:43,524
You served in the War then, Your Grace?

947
00:44:43,720 --> 00:44:44,767
Poor old gal.

948
00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:49,763
Done to death with malice
aforethought and so forth.

949
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:51,241
Poor Bronwen.

950
00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:54,284
The painting, Your Grace.

951
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:59,243
Did she ever mention
<i>The Duchess of Wellington?</i>

952
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:01,124
Oh. Beautiful woman.

953
00:45:01,280 --> 00:45:02,361
Bronwen?

954
00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:04,131
Must to the lavatory.

955
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:09,004
Would you care to come
and take a peek at it, eh?

956
00:45:09,320 --> 00:45:10,924
(CLICKS TONGUE)

957
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:13,888
An exquisite invitation, Your Grace,

958
00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:15,485
but I'm afraid I must decline.

959
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,290
Let's get back to the Duchess.

960
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:19,648
- Bunny has it.
- I beg your pardon?

961
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:22,081
During the War.
Nazi bastards.

962
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:25,449
Bunny rolled it up
in a carpet and didn't tell a soul.

963
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:27,005
Bunny is a soldier in your unit?

964
00:45:27,240 --> 00:45:29,288
7th Army, 2nd Division.

965
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:32,484
Captured Goering.
First man in the room.

966
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:34,762
Do you think that Bunny
still has the painting now?

967
00:45:35,120 --> 00:45:37,361
Must to the W.C.

968
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:41,082
Do have a look, eh? (CLICKS TONGUE)

969
00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:43,523
I'm afraid I must be going, Your Grace.

970
00:45:44,760 --> 00:45:46,410
Thank you very much for your time.

971
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:50,007
And you are?

972
00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:52,689
The water bailiff, Your Grace.

973
00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:54,929
Fishing tomorrow's been canceled.

974
00:45:58,600 --> 00:45:59,647
Thank heaven.

975
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:01,526
(SNORING)

976
00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:03,045
(MUMBLING)

977
00:46:05,440 --> 00:46:06,851
Oh...

978
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,167
What's that?
Funny. Ah!

979
00:46:16,720 --> 00:46:17,926
Hmm?

980
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:19,725
Oh...

981
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:20,961
Mmm?

982
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:24,285
Ah...

983
00:46:25,240 --> 00:46:26,287
Oh!

984
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:30,170
Right. I demand some explanations.

985
00:46:30,720 --> 00:46:33,929
No, no. Change that.
I need a restorative.

986
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:35,320
How 'bout some finger sandwiches?

987
00:46:35,720 --> 00:46:38,564
Just the usual, you know.
Egg cress, prawn mayonnaise,

988
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:42,004
possibly a gallon of your finest whiskey

989
00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:43,320
just to start the day properly.

990
00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:45,044
You know how it is, gentlemen.

991
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:47,761
Oh, I see.

992
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:53,240
Actually, make that caviar.

993
00:46:54,160 --> 00:46:56,447
Some warmed blinis, creme fraiche,

994
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:57,646
boiled egg whites,

995
00:46:58,000 --> 00:47:01,322
and vodka so ice cold
you need gloves to handle it.

996
00:47:01,720 --> 00:47:04,644
Oh! Oh! And don't forget
the herringbone spoon.

997
00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:06,803
We're not savages, after all, are we?

998
00:47:08,800 --> 00:47:09,847
Ooh!

999
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:11,764
Welcome to Russia, Mr. Mortdecai.

1000
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:14,240
MORTDECAI: And you are?

1001
00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:15,886
Roman Romanov.

1002
00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:18,890
Romanov. Sir Graham's client.

1003
00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:21,561
So I have him to thank for this.

1004
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:26,322
Oh, that's unpleasant. Mmm...

1005
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:27,641
Where's the Goya?

1006
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:30,808
- I don't know.
- But you know about art.

1007
00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:32,007
A bit.

1008
00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:33,571
You have a Turner of the Loire,

1009
00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:34,766
which cannot be right

1010
00:47:34,840 --> 00:47:36,680
because the original
is hanging in the D'Orsay.

1011
00:47:36,720 --> 00:47:37,767
Terribly sorry.

1012
00:47:38,240 --> 00:47:41,005
A magnificent Callow of about 1840,

1013
00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:44,087
a polychrome James Bourne, rare,

1014
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:47,241
a pair of rather flashy Varleys

1015
00:47:47,320 --> 00:47:48,446
from his last period,

1016
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:51,691
and the finest Edridge I have ever seen.

1017
00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:55,051
(CHUCKLES) Yes. Where is the Goya?

1018
00:47:55,520 --> 00:47:57,841
Well, where is the last place you saw it?

1019
00:47:57,920 --> 00:47:59,240
Have you looked under your couch?

1020
00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:00,765
Yeah, because when I've lost something,

1021
00:48:00,840 --> 00:48:03,446
sometimes I say to myself,
"Charlie, where could it be?"

1022
00:48:04,080 --> 00:48:08,483
Oh, God! That wasn't nice!

1023
00:48:09,360 --> 00:48:11,283
Oh, no! No.

1024
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:12,891
For 17 years,

1025
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:14,644
I pursued this painting.
You know why?

1026
00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:17,127
Because I want, I will have.

1027
00:48:19,680 --> 00:48:22,411
This will be easier and much less painful

1028
00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:23,720
if you please to tell me.

1029
00:48:24,640 --> 00:48:25,721
Where is the painting?

1030
00:48:26,240 --> 00:48:27,605
But why does everyone seem to think...

1031
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:29,011
(SCREAMING)

1032
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:31,287
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

1033
00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:33,169
Oh! You pretended to be gentle,

1034
00:48:33,240 --> 00:48:35,129
but you weren't! Oh!

1035
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:37,841
Milton Krampf tells everyone
he is getting painting.

1036
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,849
You're his dealer, so you have painting!

1037
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:42,966
I am very sorry.
I simply don't know.

1038
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:45,322
Dmitri, please to fetch 12-volt

1039
00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:47,169
high-tension car battery.

1040
00:48:48,720 --> 00:48:51,644
I am afraid you are
barking up the wrong Englishman, comrade.

1041
00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:54,571
Vladimir, please to take
Mr. Mortdecai's trousers down.

1042
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:56,401
(YELPS)

1043
00:48:57,880 --> 00:48:59,240
Perhaps we can work something out.

1044
00:48:59,760 --> 00:49:03,765
What if I find it for you?
Say, 30% finder's fee, what?

1045
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:05,651
Open your balls.

1046
00:49:09,000 --> 00:49:12,129
I shan't!
What does that even mean?

1047
00:49:14,800 --> 00:49:15,881
I'll go to 20%.

1048
00:49:17,520 --> 00:49:18,601
Balls.

1049
00:49:18,760 --> 00:49:19,807
(WHIMPERING)

1050
00:49:19,880 --> 00:49:21,689
10% seems exploitive!

1051
00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:22,886
Oh! Oh!

1052
00:49:23,040 --> 00:49:24,201
(UNZIPS)

1053
00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:26,085
That's not cricket!

1054
00:49:28,560 --> 00:49:29,607
(GRUNTING)

1055
00:49:29,720 --> 00:49:30,801
(RUSSIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

1056
00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:32,201
Oh, Jock...

1057
00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:34,884
(MORTDECAI MUMBLING)

1058
00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:36,526
(LAUGHING)

1059
00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:38,046
Jump!

1060
00:49:38,280 --> 00:49:40,282
Oh, dear, sweet, resourceful Jock.

1061
00:49:41,640 --> 00:49:43,051
It's my manservant.

1062
00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:44,167
It appears he's requesting

1063
00:49:44,240 --> 00:49:45,765
my immediate self-defenestration.

1064
00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:48,929
(RUSSIAN MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

1065
00:49:49,880 --> 00:49:50,961
(GASPS)

1066
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:52,367
Balls!

1067
00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:55,246
Forgive me, Vladimir.

1068
00:49:56,760 --> 00:49:58,000
(BOTH SCREAMING)

1069
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:00,681
No balls.

1070
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:02,161
(GROANS)

1071
00:50:04,080 --> 00:50:05,525
(GROANING)

1072
00:50:05,640 --> 00:50:07,085
Thank you so much, Vladimir.

1073
00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:09,851
Oh, I see...

1074
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:11,726
(GRUNTING)

1075
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:14,770
Hello! I'm outside.

1076
00:50:14,840 --> 00:50:15,841
Come on, sir.

1077
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:17,843
I wish to use your telephone!

1078
00:50:17,920 --> 00:50:18,921
Head toward the bike.

1079
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:21,844
Oh, I love motorcycles.
They're very fast.

1080
00:50:21,920 --> 00:50:23,649
- Sir? Sir?
- Mmm? What, Jock?

1081
00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:25,001
Your trousers.

1082
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:26,241
- It's a little unseemly.
- The trousers...

1083
00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:28,488
Jock, you know, it's entirely possible

1084
00:50:28,560 --> 00:50:29,721
that I've bumped my head...

1085
00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:30,801
You think?

1086
00:50:30,920 --> 00:50:34,129
Have you heard
the expression, "Open your balls"?

1087
00:50:34,240 --> 00:50:35,321
No, sir.

1088
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:37,004
It made me feel dirty.

1089
00:50:41,720 --> 00:50:42,721
(SHOUTS)

1090
00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:44,526
JOCK: Hang on, sir!

1091
00:50:52,720 --> 00:50:53,926
Bloody good show, Jock!

1092
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:56,445
You really are a cut above!

1093
00:50:58,320 --> 00:50:59,924
Where would you like to go, sir?

1094
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:02,766
The only safe ground is English soil.

1095
00:51:03,680 --> 00:51:05,330
To the Embassy, chop-chop.

1096
00:51:05,720 --> 00:51:07,324
- Oh!
- Jock?

1097
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:09,007
(MORTDECAI YELPING)

1098
00:51:09,080 --> 00:51:10,320
JOCK: Keep your head down, sir!

1099
00:51:13,760 --> 00:51:15,080
- Hang on, sir!
- MORTDECAI: Okay!

1100
00:51:15,120 --> 00:51:16,121
(TIRES SCREECHING)

1101
00:51:16,200 --> 00:51:17,201
- Jock?
- Yes, sir?

1102
00:51:17,480 --> 00:51:19,244
Will it be all right in the end?

1103
00:51:19,440 --> 00:51:20,521
I couldn't say, sir!

1104
00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:22,561
(TIRES SCREECHING)

1105
00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:31,040
No, not the stairs!

1106
00:51:31,920 --> 00:51:33,251
(MORTDECAI SCREAMING)

1107
00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:35,761
Oh!

1108
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:39,530
A bit of noise, sir!

1109
00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:42,040
- MORTDECAI: Ahh!
- JOCK: There we go!

1110
00:51:42,640 --> 00:51:43,721
Ahh.

1111
00:51:44,120 --> 00:51:45,360
(YELPS)

1112
00:51:55,840 --> 00:51:57,808
Oh, it was dashed exhilarating.

1113
00:51:57,960 --> 00:51:59,724
- (CHUCKLES APPROVINGLY)
- Where to, sir?

1114
00:51:59,840 --> 00:52:01,842
Well, it was long ago,
and she was underage,

1115
00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:03,763
but I do believe the embassy is that way.

1116
00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:05,450
- Right you are, sir.
- Right.

1117
00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:08,130
- Jockie?
- Yes, sir?

1118
00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:09,800
"Open your balls"?

1119
00:52:10,000 --> 00:52:11,047
I have no idea.

1120
00:52:11,240 --> 00:52:14,483
Is it that you actually know
and don't want to tell me?

1121
00:52:15,120 --> 00:52:16,201
Yes, sir.

1122
00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:19,687
- MARTLAND: Yes?
- They've got him.

1123
00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:21,330
Ambassador's residence in Moscow.

1124
00:52:21,400 --> 00:52:22,731
They're putting him on
the next flight to Heathrow.

1125
00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:23,801
Thank you.

1126
00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:25,962
Oh, and his wife is on
line six for you, sir.

1127
00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:27,201
Thank you!

1128
00:52:29,360 --> 00:52:30,361
Thank you, Maurice.

1129
00:52:32,080 --> 00:52:33,161
Maurice?

1130
00:52:34,240 --> 00:52:35,401
Shut the door.

1131
00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:37,206
Yes, sir.

1132
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:41,560
Hello, Johanna.
We've found him.

1133
00:52:41,600 --> 00:52:42,806
He's on his way home.

1134
00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:44,809
(SIGHS) Thank heavens.

1135
00:52:44,880 --> 00:52:47,451
This place is an absolute
mausoleum on one's own.

1136
00:52:47,720 --> 00:52:48,801
Do you feel unsafe?

1137
00:52:48,880 --> 00:52:50,006
<i>A bit.</i>

1138
00:52:50,160 --> 00:52:52,083
I could park outside for the night.

1139
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:55,563
Oh, I couldn't ask.
But how about tomorrow?

1140
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:58,127
Do come in, of course. Say, 8:00?

1141
00:52:58,560 --> 00:53:00,801
You, me, and Charlie?

1142
00:53:01,000 --> 00:53:02,286
Well, of course, Alastair.

1143
00:53:02,360 --> 00:53:04,601
Wouldn't do, the two of us
here alone, would it?

1144
00:53:05,960 --> 00:53:07,121
No, I suppose not.

1145
00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:11,560
Still, if he can't make it,
he can't make it.

1146
00:53:12,240 --> 00:53:13,321
<i>May I bring anything?</i>

1147
00:53:13,880 --> 00:53:15,600
Perhaps there is something you could bring.

1148
00:53:15,840 --> 00:53:17,126
A bottle of Chardonnay?

1149
00:53:17,320 --> 00:53:18,845
A complete regimental listing of

1150
00:53:18,920 --> 00:53:21,924
the British 7th Army,
2nd Division, June of 1945.

1151
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:25,000
Very well, Johanna.

1152
00:53:25,080 --> 00:53:26,684
<i>- 'Til tomorrow. Ta!</i>
- (HANGS UP)

1153
00:53:30,440 --> 00:53:33,011
Well, maybe he won't be able to make it.

1154
00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:49,686
Uppy. uppy, Jock!

1155
00:53:49,880 --> 00:53:50,961
You are uppy, sir.

1156
00:53:51,080 --> 00:53:52,889
Am I? Where are we?

1157
00:53:54,360 --> 00:53:56,328
You should see the other fellow.

1158
00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:58,011
(LAUGHING)

1159
00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:00,882
The fact that you're as drunk
as a fiddler's bitch

1160
00:54:00,960 --> 00:54:02,246
in no way obviates the fact

1161
00:54:02,440 --> 00:54:04,966
that you very nearly caused
an international incident.

1162
00:54:05,640 --> 00:54:07,768
A man your age has no excuse

1163
00:54:07,840 --> 00:54:09,490
for looking or behaving like

1164
00:54:09,720 --> 00:54:10,801
a fugitive from a home

1165
00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:13,406
for alcoholic music hall artistes.

1166
00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:16,886
I will have you know that
I am not an alcoholic.

1167
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:18,411
I am a drunk,

1168
00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:20,050
and there is a vast difference.

1169
00:54:20,680 --> 00:54:21,841
In my defense,

1170
00:54:21,920 --> 00:54:23,888
I was not drinking until the plane.

1171
00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:26,242
- And in the car, sir.
- And a bit in the car.

1172
00:54:26,440 --> 00:54:27,771
And the Ambassador's residence.

1173
00:54:27,960 --> 00:54:31,123
(STAMMERING) Ah!
And at the Ambassador's residence.

1174
00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:34,165
The only advice I offer is you do not apply

1175
00:54:34,240 --> 00:54:35,924
to another of our embassies for help

1176
00:54:36,160 --> 00:54:38,561
if and when you outrage the laws

1177
00:54:38,640 --> 00:54:40,563
of the United States, once you are there.

1178
00:54:40,760 --> 00:54:42,569
Stop! Stop!

1179
00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:46,011
Are you suggesting that
I go to the Colonies?

1180
00:54:46,480 --> 00:54:49,211
Perish the vile thought.
I couldn't possibly.

1181
00:54:49,400 --> 00:54:51,528
The sale of your Rolls-Royce to Krampf

1182
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:53,324
will offer you a perfect cover.

1183
00:54:53,680 --> 00:54:55,409
Find out if he's got that painting.

1184
00:54:55,840 --> 00:54:57,251
Get behind the gates of his estate

1185
00:54:57,320 --> 00:54:58,526
and poke around a bit.

1186
00:54:59,120 --> 00:55:00,610
The car has been loaded upon

1187
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:02,444
a cargo flight to Los Angeles,

1188
00:55:02,640 --> 00:55:04,051
and is halfway across the Atlantic.

1189
00:55:04,120 --> 00:55:05,963
You will follow.

1190
00:55:06,160 --> 00:55:08,527
California? Oh, icky!

1191
00:55:08,880 --> 00:55:10,530
Your bags have been packed and checked,

1192
00:55:10,600 --> 00:55:12,887
and your flight leaves... Ah, now.
(CHUCKLES)

1193
00:55:13,120 --> 00:55:14,485
JOCK: On your feet, soldier.

1194
00:55:16,520 --> 00:55:17,681
Hang on to me.

1195
00:55:19,520 --> 00:55:21,648
I should like to ring my wife because

1196
00:55:21,720 --> 00:55:23,722
she's probably quite worried about me.

1197
00:55:23,960 --> 00:55:25,724
Oh, don't worry about her.

1198
00:55:25,840 --> 00:55:27,251
I've been keeping her filled in.

1199
00:55:30,360 --> 00:55:32,488
I say, old bean!

1200
00:55:32,720 --> 00:55:34,484
Go to America and see Krampf.

1201
00:55:34,920 --> 00:55:36,524
Do what it takes to bring
the painting back,

1202
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:39,126
and leave Johanna to me.

1203
00:55:53,720 --> 00:55:55,722
Jock? (WHISPERING) Come here.

1204
00:55:57,600 --> 00:56:00,444
I'm frightened.
Do you think that Johanna is

1205
00:56:00,520 --> 00:56:02,120
thawing on the subject of the moustache?

1206
00:56:02,440 --> 00:56:03,441
Uh...

1207
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:07,360
(CLEARS THROAT)

1208
00:56:08,200 --> 00:56:09,361
WOMAN: Hi.

1209
00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:10,771
Hello.

1210
00:56:13,440 --> 00:56:14,930
Sorry, there was a queue.

1211
00:56:15,120 --> 00:56:16,121
(BABY COOING)

1212
00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:18,290
(WOMAN SIGHING)

1213
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:20,724
Good God, man!

1214
00:56:21,880 --> 00:56:22,961
Jockie!

1215
00:56:23,240 --> 00:56:27,450
Focus, man!
There are but five days to insolvency.

1216
00:56:27,640 --> 00:56:30,120
- Two, sir.
- No, today's, what, Monday?

1217
00:56:30,560 --> 00:56:31,561
Thursday, sir.

1218
00:56:31,640 --> 00:56:33,927
Ah, well done. Carry on.

1219
00:57:06,240 --> 00:57:07,969
Oh... (LAUGHS)

1220
00:57:08,360 --> 00:57:12,126
Ah, Jock. Dear, sweet, sperm-heavy Jock.

1221
00:57:12,520 --> 00:57:15,205
Behold this America, this new colossus,

1222
00:57:15,320 --> 00:57:17,209
this fair land of the free!

1223
00:57:18,200 --> 00:57:20,601
What kind of hell-place is this?

1224
00:57:21,040 --> 00:57:22,041
Ooh!

1225
00:57:22,200 --> 00:57:24,282
I feel as though we've made a wrong turn

1226
00:57:24,360 --> 00:57:26,488
and arrived on the set
of a pornographic film.

1227
00:57:26,680 --> 00:57:28,603
Have we taken a wrong turn and arrived

1228
00:57:28,680 --> 00:57:30,284
on the set of a pornographic film?

1229
00:57:31,880 --> 00:57:32,881
Checking in?

1230
00:57:33,520 --> 00:57:36,649
I am Mortdecai, Lord of Silverdale.

1231
00:57:37,480 --> 00:57:39,289
I should like to request a bucket of ice,

1232
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:42,125
"Do Not Disturb" sign, and a bulldozer.

1233
00:57:43,480 --> 00:57:45,528
- Checking in?
- Yeah, we're checking in.

1234
00:57:46,800 --> 00:57:49,565
I suspect I may need to redecorate.

1235
00:57:50,040 --> 00:57:52,008
Room 326, overlooks the pool.

1236
00:57:52,960 --> 00:57:56,043
So all I must do is show up,

1237
00:57:56,200 --> 00:57:57,680
and I'm presented with a credit card.

1238
00:57:58,880 --> 00:58:01,087
No wonder your country's in financial ruin.

1239
00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:03,245
Do you need help with your bags?

1240
00:58:04,040 --> 00:58:06,008
No, I do not need help with my bags.

1241
00:58:06,080 --> 00:58:07,525
I have a fucking manservant.

1242
00:58:09,200 --> 00:58:10,486
Strange country.

1243
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:15,921
Ow!

1244
00:58:21,720 --> 00:58:22,881
Hello.

1245
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:30,206
MAN: Hold it.

1246
00:58:32,680 --> 00:58:33,761
Thanks.

1247
00:58:36,560 --> 00:58:37,721
Hey.

1248
00:58:38,280 --> 00:58:39,281
Hello...

1249
00:58:41,000 --> 00:58:42,843
(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)

1250
00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:45,441
(GROANS)

1251
00:58:48,280 --> 00:58:49,281
Ahh!

1252
00:58:50,080 --> 00:58:51,400
- (WOMAN MOANING)
- (MAN GRUNTING)

1253
00:58:51,920 --> 00:58:53,126
(GROANING)

1254
00:58:54,560 --> 00:58:55,891
(PANTING)

1255
00:58:55,960 --> 00:58:58,611
It's like listening to bloody orangutans!

1256
00:58:59,440 --> 00:59:01,886
Oh, really, why? Why?

1257
00:59:05,640 --> 00:59:07,130
(TELEPHONE RINGING)

1258
00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:09,970
Hello, American?

1259
00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:12,482
The rooms here are made of cement.

1260
00:59:12,560 --> 00:59:14,210
Very good in case of an air raid.

1261
00:59:14,320 --> 00:59:16,160
But for those of us
trying to get a bit of rest

1262
00:59:16,200 --> 00:59:17,725
after an arduous crossing,

1263
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:19,484
a bit of an acoustic nightmare.

1264
00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:22,325
So would you please stop
grunting like wildebeests

1265
00:59:22,480 --> 00:59:25,324
and allow me to get some sleep, man?
Please! Please!

1266
00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:28,440
JOCK ON PHONE: <i>Sony, sir.
We'll try and keep it down.</i>

1267
00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:31,804
Good God, Jock!
Put that thing away, man!

1268
00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:33,485
- (GRUMBLING)
- (SLAMS PHONE)

1269
00:59:38,280 --> 00:59:39,486
(RINGING)

1270
00:59:42,680 --> 00:59:43,681
Hello?

1271
00:59:43,800 --> 00:59:47,964
Oh, apple of my eye.
The love of my life.

1272
00:59:48,400 --> 00:59:51,244
Everything here makes me think of you.

1273
00:59:51,480 --> 00:59:52,606
Who is this?

1274
00:59:54,760 --> 00:59:57,286
It is I, your beloved. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

1275
00:59:57,360 --> 00:59:59,283
Your husband, Charlie.

1276
00:59:59,360 --> 01:00:00,850
Where are you?

1277
01:00:00,920 --> 01:00:03,685
Oh, a terribly vulgar
place called Los Angeles.

1278
01:00:04,160 --> 01:00:06,686
Apparently located in
the far West colonies.

1279
01:00:06,760 --> 01:00:08,444
Well, what are you doing there?

1280
01:00:08,520 --> 01:00:10,602
Well, I'm delivering
the Rolls to that grotesque

1281
01:00:10,680 --> 01:00:12,205
Milton Krampf

1282
01:00:12,280 --> 01:00:15,284
and retrieving a certain
something in the process.

1283
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:16,885
Stay away from Krampf's daughter.

1284
01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:18,889
She's a well-known nymphomaniac.

1285
01:00:19,320 --> 01:00:20,367
Is she?

1286
01:00:20,440 --> 01:00:22,044
<i>How do you know such things?</i>

1287
01:00:22,120 --> 01:00:23,531
Johanna, we seem to be out of ice.

1288
01:00:23,680 --> 01:00:24,806
Should I send for some?

1289
01:00:24,880 --> 01:00:26,041
It's my husband on the line.

1290
01:00:26,560 --> 01:00:27,971
MARTLAND: <i>Oh, is he Still alive?</i>

1291
01:00:28,040 --> 01:00:29,644
<i>Has he got the painting yet?</i>

1292
01:00:29,720 --> 01:00:30,801
Is that Martland?

1293
01:00:31,040 --> 01:00:32,724
I'll just be a moment, Alastair.

1294
01:00:32,880 --> 01:00:35,724
That Judas! That Ajax! That Paris!

1295
01:00:35,840 --> 01:00:37,046
Or was it Agamemnon?

1296
01:00:37,160 --> 01:00:38,207
Oh, you know who I mean.

1297
01:00:38,320 --> 01:00:40,129
That ghastly chap who stole Helen of Troy

1298
01:00:40,240 --> 01:00:42,368
and started all that nasty
business in Greece.

1299
01:00:42,800 --> 01:00:44,325
(JOCK AND WOMAN MOANING ON PHONE)

1300
01:00:45,560 --> 01:00:46,925
- (WOMAN SHOUTS)
- JOCK: Done!

1301
01:00:47,000 --> 01:00:48,000
Finally!

1302
01:00:48,080 --> 01:00:50,890
Charlie?
Why are people achieving climax

1303
01:00:51,040 --> 01:00:52,690
in your immediate vicinity?

1304
01:00:53,080 --> 01:00:55,162
(STAMMERING) Well, I think
I'm staying in some

1305
01:00:55,240 --> 01:00:57,686
sort of cement brothel, my love.

1306
01:00:58,400 --> 01:00:59,561
Say that again.

1307
01:00:59,640 --> 01:01:01,768
You look here, I will have you know that

1308
01:01:01,880 --> 01:01:04,087
I too am capable of being desirable

1309
01:01:04,200 --> 01:01:05,850
to a certain type of woman!

1310
01:01:05,920 --> 01:01:07,001
Charlie!

1311
01:01:07,080 --> 01:01:08,320
<i>Yes, oh, yes!</i>

1312
01:01:08,400 --> 01:01:11,006
Some women go blind batting their lashes

1313
01:01:11,080 --> 01:01:13,367
for mustachioed men such as I!

1314
01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:17,082
Charlie Mortdecai, you are
on very dangerous ground!

1315
01:01:17,200 --> 01:01:19,601
Tell me the name of that
nympho daughter of Krampf's!

1316
01:01:19,680 --> 01:01:22,445
Perhaps she would render
an opinion on the issue! Hmm?

1317
01:01:30,120 --> 01:01:32,122
Never mind.
I've found a cold Latour

1318
01:01:32,200 --> 01:01:33,406
which we might enjoy...

1319
01:01:35,240 --> 01:01:36,366
Johanna?

1320
01:01:37,960 --> 01:01:39,121
Oh, balls.

1321
01:01:40,280 --> 01:01:42,362
MORTDECAI: <i>Jock and I
set off to deliver the Rolls</i>

1322
01:01:42,440 --> 01:01:45,250
<i>to my client, Milton Krampf,</i>

1323
01:01:45,800 --> 01:01:48,451
<i>ruthless billionaire, art collector,</i>

1324
01:01:48,800 --> 01:01:52,122
<i>and the rumored possessor of the lost Goya.</i>

1325
01:01:53,120 --> 01:01:55,122
<i>I was hot on the scent,</i>

1326
01:01:55,440 --> 01:01:59,206
<i>and a teensy bit curious
about his nympho daughter.</i>

1327
01:01:59,280 --> 01:02:00,566
(MORTDECAI SIGHS)

1328
01:02:01,320 --> 01:02:02,321
(DOG GROWLING)

1329
01:02:02,400 --> 01:02:03,401
Ah. Oh. Ooh.

1330
01:02:03,800 --> 01:02:04,961
(SIGHING)

1331
01:02:06,440 --> 01:02:08,090
Yes... Right.

1332
01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:10,724
We must secure the painting,

1333
01:02:10,800 --> 01:02:12,643
escape this nightmare posthaste

1334
01:02:12,760 --> 01:02:14,649
and you should interrupt me
as soon as you can.

1335
01:02:14,760 --> 01:02:15,886
- Yes, sir.
- Oh!

1336
01:02:16,480 --> 01:02:17,720
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

1337
01:02:21,840 --> 01:02:23,330
Lucky saddle.

1338
01:02:24,000 --> 01:02:25,490
(CHUCKLES) Ah!

1339
01:02:26,240 --> 01:02:27,241
Yes!

1340
01:02:27,320 --> 01:02:31,928
The fine life-giving drinks
tray manifests itself.

1341
01:02:32,000 --> 01:02:33,331
A mint julep, sir.

1342
01:02:33,400 --> 01:02:35,402
Anything will do, I thank you.

1343
01:02:35,520 --> 01:02:36,681
I'm Georgina Krampf.

1344
01:02:37,280 --> 01:02:38,850
Oh! How do you do?

1345
01:02:42,960 --> 01:02:43,961
(GASPS)

1346
01:02:45,160 --> 01:02:46,446
You must be Mortdecai.

1347
01:02:46,920 --> 01:02:50,208
Yes, indeed I am he.

1348
01:02:51,520 --> 01:02:53,966
Are you not having
a little something to drink?

1349
01:02:54,280 --> 01:02:55,520
No, I never drink alcohol.

1350
01:02:56,120 --> 01:02:57,690
I don't like to blunt my senses.

1351
01:02:58,040 --> 01:02:59,371
How awful.

1352
01:02:59,840 --> 01:03:01,171
Oh, I feel wonderful.

1353
01:03:02,840 --> 01:03:04,046
- Ooh!
- Feel me.

1354
01:03:04,160 --> 01:03:05,366
Hmm?

1355
01:03:05,800 --> 01:03:07,040
Feel? Oh.

1356
01:03:08,600 --> 01:03:09,601
Oh, yes.

1357
01:03:09,720 --> 01:03:11,802
No, not there, stupid. Here.

1358
01:03:12,040 --> 01:03:13,041
Ah!

1359
01:03:13,440 --> 01:03:15,169
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Ooh.

1360
01:03:15,320 --> 01:03:16,367
Ooh...

1361
01:03:16,440 --> 01:03:18,044
Charlie Mortdecai, you son-of-a-bitch...

1362
01:03:18,120 --> 01:03:20,566
I was not squeezing the breasts...

1363
01:03:23,200 --> 01:03:24,201
The Rolls.

1364
01:03:33,840 --> 01:03:34,841
MORTDECAI: Huh?

1365
01:03:38,720 --> 01:03:40,245
Oh.

1366
01:03:46,760 --> 01:03:47,761
(MORTDECAI LAUGHING)

1367
01:03:50,760 --> 01:03:52,250
MORTDECAI: So, I was a mule!

1368
01:03:52,360 --> 01:03:53,486
Right. You know, Bronwen called me

1369
01:03:53,600 --> 01:03:54,681
when she discovered the Goya,

1370
01:03:54,760 --> 01:03:57,331
and I called Spinoza,
and then he arranged for everything,

1371
01:03:57,400 --> 01:04:00,449
including the smuggling
of the painting in your Rolls.

1372
01:04:00,520 --> 01:04:02,522
Yes, but someone found out about the plan,

1373
01:04:02,600 --> 01:04:05,922
and now Bronwen is as stiff
as my Uncle Richard's hatband.

1374
01:04:06,680 --> 01:04:08,170
Art restoring is a nasty business.

1375
01:04:08,280 --> 01:04:09,691
You are a nasty business, sir.

1376
01:04:09,760 --> 01:04:12,001
Just look at her.
Isn't she a beauty?

1377
01:04:12,080 --> 01:04:13,764
- Yes, she is.
- My God...

1378
01:04:14,120 --> 01:04:16,851
- She's exquisite.
- So good...

1379
01:04:16,920 --> 01:04:21,687
The expert brushstrokes,
the smooth lines...

1380
01:04:21,760 --> 01:04:22,841
MILTON: Doesn't she look like my mother?

1381
01:04:22,960 --> 01:04:24,000
Can you see a resemblance?

1382
01:04:24,600 --> 01:04:26,125
I never met your mother.

1383
01:04:26,440 --> 01:04:28,124
No, not in her, in me.

1384
01:04:28,240 --> 01:04:29,526
She's got prominent lips like me...

1385
01:04:29,600 --> 01:04:30,726
Ah!

1386
01:04:30,800 --> 01:04:32,245
...and those far-searching eyes...

1387
01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:33,961
- Don't you think so?
- Mmm. Mmm. Oh, yes.

1388
01:04:34,080 --> 01:04:35,081
Do you mind?

1389
01:04:35,640 --> 01:04:36,641
Mmm.

1390
01:04:38,560 --> 01:04:42,645
I was just looking for something... else.

1391
01:04:45,040 --> 01:04:46,041
Mmm.

1392
01:04:46,480 --> 01:04:47,561
Okay. Um...

1393
01:04:47,880 --> 01:04:50,804
Uh, Branspath? Okay.
Thank you so much.

1394
01:04:50,880 --> 01:04:52,882
- In my study, please.
- Very good, sir.

1395
01:04:52,960 --> 01:04:54,644
Thank you.
No hard feelings.

1396
01:04:54,720 --> 01:04:55,721
(MORTDECAI LAUGHS)

1397
01:04:55,800 --> 01:04:58,804
I hope you'll stay with me tonight.
I'm throwing a party.

1398
01:04:58,920 --> 01:05:00,649
I'm gonna unveil the Duchess,

1399
01:05:00,720 --> 01:05:04,406
and watch every art world snob
in town drool all over her.

1400
01:05:05,080 --> 01:05:07,003
We'll have your things
sent over from the hotel.

1401
01:05:07,080 --> 01:05:09,287
Go upstairs and freshen up.
You smell like a horse!

1402
01:05:09,720 --> 01:05:10,880
And if you're quick about it,

1403
01:05:10,920 --> 01:05:13,321
you might have time
to couple with Georgina before dinner.

1404
01:05:14,000 --> 01:05:16,002
She's been through half the staff already.

1405
01:05:16,760 --> 01:05:18,410
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

1406
01:05:28,520 --> 01:05:30,443
Sir, you're staring at your liquor.

1407
01:05:31,680 --> 01:05:32,920
So I am.

1408
01:05:34,000 --> 01:05:37,846
Jock, I fear we are in
the eleventh hour, man.

1409
01:05:38,440 --> 01:05:40,761
Our very future rests on

1410
01:05:40,840 --> 01:05:43,207
getting our hands on that blasted painting.

1411
01:05:43,280 --> 01:05:47,046
And therefore it's imperative
that we devise a plan.

1412
01:05:47,120 --> 01:05:49,771
And it will have to be a
fiendishly clever plan.

1413
01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:51,041
Well, sir... I've been thinking...

1414
01:05:51,160 --> 01:05:53,288
And I mean dizzyingly complex,

1415
01:05:53,360 --> 01:05:55,522
replete with feints and distractions

1416
01:05:55,600 --> 01:05:59,207
and calibrated movements
of the Swiss watch type. What?

1417
01:05:59,640 --> 01:06:00,846
Thoughts?

1418
01:06:01,160 --> 01:06:03,891
During the party,
we steal it while no one's looking.

1419
01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:09,128
Ingenious. Once again?

1420
01:06:11,360 --> 01:06:13,886
You go down, get your face seen a bit...

1421
01:06:13,960 --> 01:06:14,961
Mmm.

1422
01:06:15,040 --> 01:06:16,485
Then you meet me 'round the back later,

1423
01:06:16,560 --> 01:06:17,641
we climb up the side

1424
01:06:17,720 --> 01:06:20,530
of the building,
break through the window, grab the painting.

1425
01:06:21,680 --> 01:06:23,409
Oh, diabolical.

1426
01:06:23,880 --> 01:06:26,360
(STAMMERS) Let's review it
a few more times, shall we?

1427
01:06:27,000 --> 01:06:29,082
It's just the old
smash-and-grab routine, sir.

1428
01:06:29,160 --> 01:06:30,400
Of course it is.

1429
01:06:30,480 --> 01:06:33,563
This is just the old
smash-and-grab business.

1430
01:06:33,680 --> 01:06:35,045
Smash-and-grab.

1431
01:06:35,400 --> 01:06:37,209
- Jock?
- Yes, sir?

1432
01:06:37,400 --> 01:06:38,890
I am so very proud of you.

1433
01:06:39,080 --> 01:06:40,081
Thank you, sir.

1434
01:06:40,200 --> 01:06:41,200
- And, Jock?
- Yes, sir?

1435
01:06:41,240 --> 01:06:42,685
You know, I've always
been rather fond of you.

1436
01:06:42,760 --> 01:06:43,761
Thank you, sir.

1437
01:06:43,840 --> 01:06:44,921
- Jock?
- Yup?

1438
01:06:45,000 --> 01:06:46,525
Will it be all right in the end?

1439
01:06:46,600 --> 01:06:48,364
How the fuck should I know?

1440
01:06:49,160 --> 01:06:50,764
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

1441
01:06:57,920 --> 01:07:00,082
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

1442
01:07:10,560 --> 01:07:12,085
Unremarkable.

1443
01:07:20,040 --> 01:07:23,726
Keep the Englishman busy.
I create distraction.

1444
01:07:23,800 --> 01:07:25,211
No problem.

1445
01:07:37,800 --> 01:07:38,801
Ooh!

1446
01:07:39,400 --> 01:07:40,401
Hi.

1447
01:07:41,760 --> 01:07:42,807
Oh!

1448
01:07:42,880 --> 01:07:44,280
That's my bottom.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

1449
01:07:44,480 --> 01:07:45,891
Dance with me.

1450
01:07:46,800 --> 01:07:48,245
Starburst!

1451
01:07:51,000 --> 01:07:52,764
Oh! So much!
So much to look at!

1452
01:07:54,960 --> 01:07:56,007
Hmm.

1453
01:07:58,640 --> 01:07:59,641
Have me.

1454
01:07:59,800 --> 01:08:03,407
Oh, my dear, I'm so tired.
And so married and so tired.

1455
01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:05,164
And so married... Oh!

1456
01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:08,170
And I'm married and tired, you know.

1457
01:08:08,960 --> 01:08:10,121
I... Just...

1458
01:08:10,320 --> 01:08:11,321
Whoa!

1459
01:08:12,160 --> 01:08:13,160
Oh!

1460
01:08:13,200 --> 01:08:14,201
(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)

1461
01:08:15,480 --> 01:08:16,527
MORTDECAI: Darling!

1462
01:08:16,760 --> 01:08:18,922
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Whatever brings you here?

1463
01:08:19,480 --> 01:08:22,529
This is not a breast in my hand!

1464
01:08:23,200 --> 01:08:25,362
I was unhappy with our last conversation,

1465
01:08:25,480 --> 01:08:27,687
so I got on the next plane. Surprised?

1466
01:08:27,840 --> 01:08:29,842
Oh, pleasantly.

1467
01:08:30,840 --> 01:08:32,160
Aren't you going to introduce us?

1468
01:08:33,200 --> 01:08:36,886
Johanna, my dear, this is
Milton Krampf's nymph...

1469
01:08:37,000 --> 01:08:38,001
Daughter Georgina.

1470
01:08:38,880 --> 01:08:40,962
And she was, well, we were having

1471
01:08:41,040 --> 01:08:43,725
a discussion about three...

1472
01:08:45,120 --> 01:08:47,361
Sometimes, you know, how it's like a...

1473
01:08:47,440 --> 01:08:48,441
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

1474
01:08:49,000 --> 01:08:50,365
(MORTDECAI STAMMERING)

1475
01:08:53,680 --> 01:08:54,681
Whew! Uh...

1476
01:08:56,040 --> 01:08:58,361
My, my, look at the time! Uh...

1477
01:09:01,960 --> 01:09:03,041
Carry on!

1478
01:09:04,680 --> 01:09:06,887
Oh! Oh!

1479
01:09:10,520 --> 01:09:11,521
(GROWLING)

1480
01:09:11,640 --> 01:09:13,244
A beast... A beast...

1481
01:09:15,920 --> 01:09:17,410
Ooh. Oh.

1482
01:09:18,400 --> 01:09:22,724
Yes, yes, yes.
Good hungry doggie...

1483
01:09:23,040 --> 01:09:26,089
Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie...

1484
01:09:26,320 --> 01:09:29,244
Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie...

1485
01:09:39,600 --> 01:09:40,681
I met a beast...

1486
01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:42,691
Krampf's window is
the second one on the left.

1487
01:09:42,760 --> 01:09:44,364
No, no. I met a beast!

1488
01:09:44,440 --> 01:09:45,771
Get on that ladder!

1489
01:09:46,920 --> 01:09:48,843
And what, pray tell, might you be doing

1490
01:09:48,920 --> 01:09:50,524
whilst I'm engaged in thus heroics?

1491
01:09:50,600 --> 01:09:51,601
(DOG BARKING)

1492
01:09:51,720 --> 01:09:53,131
Oh! Beast! Beast! Beast...

1493
01:09:53,280 --> 01:09:54,691
(GROWLING)

1494
01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:03,046
Oh, how I long for the rain
and indifference of Europe.

1495
01:10:04,040 --> 01:10:05,201
Well done, Jock!

1496
01:10:05,800 --> 01:10:07,131
JOCK: It's a privilege, sir!

1497
01:10:08,400 --> 01:10:10,448
(DOOR SLAMS)

1498
01:10:17,200 --> 01:10:18,201
Ah...

1499
01:10:19,280 --> 01:10:23,046
Well then, Mr. Krampf.
I suppose since you're here

1500
01:10:23,120 --> 01:10:26,329
and I'm here,
it's time for you and I to talk turkey.

1501
01:10:37,560 --> 01:10:38,607
Oh, I see.

1502
01:10:43,000 --> 01:10:44,331
Oh, I see.

1503
01:10:46,480 --> 01:10:48,005
Bad news for you, Strago.

1504
01:10:48,560 --> 01:10:50,483
There are no bank codes on that painting.

1505
01:10:50,920 --> 01:10:53,764
I think we both know that there are.

1506
01:10:53,840 --> 01:10:55,001
Invisible ink, no?

1507
01:10:55,160 --> 01:10:56,286
Stop right there!

1508
01:10:57,440 --> 01:10:58,646
Sit down. Sit!

1509
01:10:59,600 --> 01:11:01,090
I... I warn you, Georgina.

1510
01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:02,844
You have no idea what
you're getting involved with.

1511
01:11:03,000 --> 01:11:05,844
Despite his man purse,
Strago is very dangerous.

1512
01:11:06,080 --> 01:11:07,969
Darling, they are in cahoots.

1513
01:11:08,120 --> 01:11:09,167
How do you know?

1514
01:11:09,920 --> 01:11:11,365
Oh, that's gross!

1515
01:11:12,920 --> 01:11:13,921
We are in love.

1516
01:11:14,520 --> 01:11:15,806
Drop the gun!

1517
01:11:16,680 --> 01:11:17,681
Emil!

1518
01:11:18,040 --> 01:11:19,485
- JOHANNA: Alastair!
- Do it now!

1519
01:11:20,600 --> 01:11:21,601
(GRUNTS)

1520
01:11:24,040 --> 01:11:25,166
(MEN SHOUT)

1521
01:11:27,280 --> 01:11:28,520
Good show, Martland!

1522
01:11:28,640 --> 01:11:30,290
Bit redundant, really, as he's dead.

1523
01:11:30,880 --> 01:11:32,723
Alastair, what are you doing here?

1524
01:11:32,880 --> 01:11:34,120
MARTLAND: I followed you.

1525
01:11:34,200 --> 01:11:35,281
Wouldn't do to have you walking into

1526
01:11:35,480 --> 01:11:37,369
all this mess on your own, now, would it?

1527
01:11:37,640 --> 01:11:38,846
Jock, give me the painting.

1528
01:11:39,320 --> 01:11:41,209
- Sit down!
- Drop the knife!

1529
01:11:41,280 --> 01:11:42,281
I will shoot you.

1530
01:11:42,400 --> 01:11:44,209
Yes, most likely by accident.

1531
01:11:44,480 --> 01:11:46,130
None of you will ever know
what it's like to make love

1532
01:11:46,200 --> 01:11:47,361
to a man with principles.

1533
01:11:47,480 --> 01:11:48,481
Well, in my case,

1534
01:11:48,560 --> 01:11:49,971
I can safely say you are correct.

1535
01:11:50,040 --> 01:11:53,169
However, I never went
to Eton where buggery is rampant.

1536
01:11:53,240 --> 01:11:55,000
Oh, you were at Eton,
weren't you, Martland?

1537
01:11:55,080 --> 01:11:56,320
Yes, yes, I was.

1538
01:11:56,640 --> 01:11:57,880
Yes, I was!

1539
01:12:10,080 --> 01:12:11,525
Please don't be sick!
Please don't be sick!

1540
01:12:11,680 --> 01:12:12,966
- (WOMAN SCREAMING)
- (RETCHING)

1541
01:12:13,040 --> 01:12:14,326
It's the shellfish!

1542
01:12:14,520 --> 01:12:15,601
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

1543
01:12:15,720 --> 01:12:16,720
- You have it?
- Go!

1544
01:12:16,760 --> 01:12:17,761
- Do you have it?
- Go!

1545
01:12:17,880 --> 01:12:19,564
I go, I go, I go!

1546
01:12:20,880 --> 01:12:22,086
Valet!

1547
01:12:22,920 --> 01:12:24,445
Oh, I don't like that.
I don't like it.

1548
01:12:24,560 --> 01:12:25,686
- Close your eyes, sir.
- Right.

1549
01:12:25,760 --> 01:12:27,842
Give me the keys.
Keys to the Rolls.

1550
01:12:28,160 --> 01:12:29,161
Come on, let's go.

1551
01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:31,089
Well, at least none of
us had the shellfish.

1552
01:12:34,520 --> 01:12:35,601
(GROANS)

1553
01:12:35,760 --> 01:12:36,921
(JOCK VOMITING)

1554
01:12:37,240 --> 01:12:38,571
Jock, please!

1555
01:12:38,840 --> 01:12:39,887
(GAGGING)

1556
01:12:40,080 --> 01:12:41,969
My sympathetic gag reflex.

1557
01:12:42,280 --> 01:12:44,282
Have you lost your bearings, man?

1558
01:12:44,520 --> 01:12:46,204
Shellfish at a catered affair?

1559
01:12:53,400 --> 01:12:54,561
(TIRES SCREECHING)

1560
01:12:56,720 --> 01:12:58,210
And I will have you two know that

1561
01:12:58,280 --> 01:13:00,647
I had a firm grasp on things
before you showed up.

1562
01:13:00,760 --> 01:13:02,967
Oh! You certainly had
a firm grasp on something!

1563
01:13:03,080 --> 01:13:06,209
(GASPS) You dare to cast aspersions?

1564
01:13:06,280 --> 01:13:08,567
I am not the one entertaining at all hours

1565
01:13:08,640 --> 01:13:10,440
- with a failed poet! Oh!
- (TIRES SCREECHING)

1566
01:13:18,320 --> 01:13:20,641
At least my focus at
university wasn't plagiarism!

1567
01:13:20,760 --> 01:13:21,760
Oh, stay out of it!

1568
01:13:21,800 --> 01:13:22,881
(GROANING)

1569
01:13:26,440 --> 01:13:27,920
JOCK: Oh, I've got a sensitive tummy!

1570
01:13:27,960 --> 01:13:29,849
There's more, there's more, there's more...

1571
01:13:30,080 --> 01:13:31,320
No more, no more, no more.

1572
01:13:31,400 --> 01:13:32,481
I swallowed it.

1573
01:13:34,680 --> 01:13:36,921
At least I have
the good taste to hide my indiscretions

1574
01:13:37,000 --> 01:13:38,843
and not parade them under everyone's nose!

1575
01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:40,604
So you admit there were indiscretions?

1576
01:13:40,680 --> 01:13:41,841
I admit nothing!

1577
01:13:41,920 --> 01:13:42,921
Then I deny nothing.

1578
01:13:43,000 --> 01:13:44,001
Oh, shut up!

1579
01:13:49,160 --> 01:13:50,161
(SCREAMS)

1580
01:13:55,000 --> 01:13:56,161
(TIRES SCREECHING)

1581
01:13:56,680 --> 01:13:57,841
(ALL GRUNTING)

1582
01:13:59,320 --> 01:14:01,926
Questionable attack, Jock.
Spirited, though.

1583
01:14:02,920 --> 01:14:04,001
I'm done.

1584
01:14:38,880 --> 01:14:40,000
MARTLAND: There's their car!

1585
01:14:40,040 --> 01:14:41,644
- MORTDECAI: Where?
- MARTLAND: There!

1586
01:14:45,040 --> 01:14:49,682
Now we wait. Thirty seconds.
Twenty-nine... Twenty-eight...

1587
01:14:49,920 --> 01:14:50,921
GEORGINA: Don't count.

1588
01:14:51,040 --> 01:14:52,041
(LIQUID DRIPPING)

1589
01:14:56,040 --> 01:14:57,246
(SIGHS)

1590
01:14:57,760 --> 01:14:59,569
Better out than in. All right...

1591
01:15:01,920 --> 01:15:03,888
I shall secure the perimeter.

1592
01:15:04,240 --> 01:15:06,686
Why, this is an outrage!
There's not an ocean vista

1593
01:15:06,760 --> 01:15:08,160
within miles of this establishment.

1594
01:15:08,200 --> 01:15:09,770
Please don't be tiresome. Jock!

1595
01:15:09,840 --> 01:15:13,083
Are you quite finished
with your barrage of insults?

1596
01:15:17,080 --> 01:15:18,809
Now we heat the surface,

1597
01:15:18,920 --> 01:15:21,048
reveal the codes and transfer the money.

1598
01:15:21,600 --> 01:15:22,886
Get the blowtorch.

1599
01:15:27,640 --> 01:15:28,971
(GAS HISSING)

1600
01:15:37,640 --> 01:15:38,801
(JOCK GRUNTING)

1601
01:15:44,160 --> 01:15:45,924
Nobody make a move.

1602
01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:47,206
I really wouldn't, you know,

1603
01:15:47,280 --> 01:15:50,011
he's trained and sexually frustrated.

1604
01:15:50,120 --> 01:15:51,690
MARTLAND: Those bank codes won't fall into

1605
01:15:51,800 --> 01:15:53,404
the wrong hands again.

1606
01:15:53,480 --> 01:15:54,891
Back away from the painting.

1607
01:15:54,960 --> 01:15:56,560
- Oh, don't do that!
- For heaven's sake.

1608
01:15:56,640 --> 01:15:57,641
For England!

1609
01:15:57,840 --> 01:15:59,649
(ALL EXCLAIM IN FEAR)

1610
01:16:03,960 --> 01:16:05,325
- MARTLAND: Oh, dear.
- (SCREAMS)

1611
01:16:07,320 --> 01:16:08,606
- Everyone out!
- Okay.

1612
01:16:08,840 --> 01:16:10,968
(ALL CLAMORING)

1613
01:16:21,200 --> 01:16:24,044
MORTDECAI: <i>The local
authorities were displeased.</i>

1614
01:16:24,280 --> 01:16:25,884
<i>Strago and Georgina fled,</i>

1615
01:16:26,000 --> 01:16:27,280
<i>leaving the rest of us to answer</i>

1616
01:16:27,320 --> 01:16:30,005
<i>some rather pointed questions.</i>

1617
01:16:30,120 --> 01:16:33,329
<i>I recounted the sordid
tale as best I could...</i>

1618
01:16:33,560 --> 01:16:36,530
This may be a customary
greeting in America.

1619
01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:37,641
I don't know.

1620
01:16:38,200 --> 01:16:41,841
<i>All the while,
my thoughts were only of home.</i>

1621
01:16:42,040 --> 01:16:45,886
<i>If indeed Johanna and I
still had a home to go to.</i>

1622
01:16:47,480 --> 01:16:49,050
(DOOR BUZZING)

1623
01:16:55,040 --> 01:16:59,204
I'm not sure if Jock has
mentioned it, but I am

1624
01:16:59,360 --> 01:17:02,011
very, very sorry about everything.

1625
01:17:02,240 --> 01:17:03,605
(EXHALES)

1626
01:17:03,760 --> 01:17:05,171
Darling? Please?

1627
01:17:08,360 --> 01:17:09,850
(MORTDECAI SIGHS)

1628
01:17:10,920 --> 01:17:15,323
I suppose that
we will have to open the house to tours.

1629
01:17:16,400 --> 01:17:19,449
I'll have Jock fix up
the servants quarters for us.

1630
01:17:19,560 --> 01:17:21,369
Do you think that Jockie will stay on

1631
01:17:21,440 --> 01:17:24,046
without pay or lodging?

1632
01:17:24,720 --> 01:17:28,281
Don't be daft.
This isn't finished yet.

1633
01:17:28,720 --> 01:17:30,563
That painting was a fake.

1634
01:17:30,920 --> 01:17:32,570
MORTDECAI: A fake? How do you know?

1635
01:17:32,680 --> 01:17:34,284
A chap called Bunny's

1636
01:17:34,400 --> 01:17:35,480
- got the real one.
- Bunny?

1637
01:17:35,560 --> 01:17:37,085
Bronwen lied from the start.

1638
01:17:37,520 --> 01:17:41,286
She never found the lost Goya.
She painted it.

1639
01:17:42,200 --> 01:17:43,201
Of course!

1640
01:17:43,600 --> 01:17:46,126
<i>Bronwen makes a fake, and calls Krampf.</i>

1641
01:17:46,640 --> 01:17:50,122
Am I interested? (STAMMERING)
I'm wildly interested.

1642
01:17:50,360 --> 01:17:52,283
MORTDECAI: <i>Krampf calls Spinoza.</i>

1643
01:17:52,440 --> 01:17:55,444
<i>Georgina finds out about it
and tells Emil, who goes to</i>

1644
01:17:55,600 --> 01:17:57,443
<i>steal the painting from Bronwen.</i>

1645
01:17:57,560 --> 01:17:59,085
<i>But Spinoza's already there.</i>

1646
01:17:59,240 --> 01:18:00,969
<i>He boffs Emil on the bean</i>

1647
01:18:01,080 --> 01:18:02,560
<i>- and takes the painting.
- (LAUGHING)</i>

1648
01:18:02,760 --> 01:18:05,923
<i>Spinoza then secrets
the painting into the Rolls</i>

1649
01:18:06,160 --> 01:18:09,642
<i>and I unwittingly smuggle it to Krampf.</i>

1650
01:18:10,120 --> 01:18:12,327
The Duke told me
that Bunny has the painting,

1651
01:18:12,440 --> 01:18:13,521
but I can't find him.

1652
01:18:13,600 --> 01:18:14,681
Which Duke?

1653
01:18:14,760 --> 01:18:17,127
Of Asherboroughdon.
Bronwen's lover.

1654
01:18:17,960 --> 01:18:19,121
Bunny.

1655
01:18:19,640 --> 01:18:22,689
(GASPS) "Love, your Bunny!"
Oh! The note in the studio.

1656
01:18:22,800 --> 01:18:25,087
It was not from a child, it was from him.

1657
01:18:25,160 --> 01:18:26,685
<i>The Duke is Bunny.</i>

1658
01:18:26,800 --> 01:18:28,290
(CLICKS TONGUE)

1659
01:18:28,400 --> 01:18:30,289
(GASPS) And it wasn't his tadger.

1660
01:18:30,640 --> 01:18:31,687
Come again?

1661
01:18:31,840 --> 01:18:34,207
The Duke kept trying
to get me to go into his lavatory

1662
01:18:34,280 --> 01:18:35,964
to look at his John Thomas.

1663
01:18:36,280 --> 01:18:37,281
Oh. Randy bugger.

1664
01:18:37,440 --> 01:18:38,965
Only that wasn't it at all!

1665
01:18:39,080 --> 01:18:40,800
He was trying to show me the real painting.

1666
01:18:41,160 --> 01:18:43,640
<i>The Duchess of Wellington
is in Bunny's loo.</i>

1667
01:18:43,760 --> 01:18:44,807
Oh! Ooh!

1668
01:19:01,160 --> 01:19:02,525
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my.

1669
01:19:05,160 --> 01:19:06,446
Oh, my.

1670
01:19:06,640 --> 01:19:07,721
Oh, my!

1671
01:19:07,960 --> 01:19:09,689
(FUNERAL ORGAN PLAYING)

1672
01:19:09,840 --> 01:19:11,330
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my.

1673
01:19:14,040 --> 01:19:17,044
Well, the water bailiff
won't bother him now.

1674
01:19:17,160 --> 01:19:18,207
Mmm.

1675
01:19:19,560 --> 01:19:21,369
Terribly sorry for your loss, madam.

1676
01:19:21,960 --> 01:19:23,166
How very kind.

1677
01:19:25,040 --> 01:19:27,520
Would you mind ever so much
if we used the lavatory?

1678
01:19:29,680 --> 01:19:30,841
It's this way.

1679
01:19:33,360 --> 01:19:34,850
(BOTH GASP)

1680
01:19:37,560 --> 01:19:39,324
Oh, you beautiful breadwinner.

1681
01:19:39,400 --> 01:19:41,164
- Mwah.
- (BOTH GAGGING)

1682
01:19:41,400 --> 01:19:43,323
Darling, please, you are killing me.

1683
01:19:43,400 --> 01:19:44,640
Right.

1684
01:19:45,920 --> 01:19:47,081
Out the window with it?

1685
01:19:47,920 --> 01:19:49,046
Quite.

1686
01:19:50,520 --> 01:19:51,567
However...

1687
01:19:53,360 --> 01:19:56,728
I do have the slightest of queries.

1688
01:19:57,040 --> 01:19:58,201
What do we do next?

1689
01:19:58,880 --> 01:19:59,881
Hmm.

1690
01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:01,081
Because if Martland should get

1691
01:20:01,200 --> 01:20:02,201
his grubby hands on that painting,

1692
01:20:02,320 --> 01:20:04,402
he would destroy a magnificent work of art.

1693
01:20:04,520 --> 01:20:06,921
And we will be out a finder's fee.

1694
01:20:07,040 --> 01:20:08,929
If it falls into Strago's hands,

1695
01:20:09,040 --> 01:20:11,520
he will unleash his unpleasantness

1696
01:20:11,600 --> 01:20:13,568
to disastrous effect upon the world.

1697
01:20:14,120 --> 01:20:16,168
And if we try to sell it to Romanov,

1698
01:20:16,240 --> 01:20:18,561
he will kill us and simply take it instead.

1699
01:20:18,760 --> 01:20:20,489
And yet we must find a way to pay

1700
01:20:20,560 --> 01:20:22,528
eight million in back taxes.

1701
01:20:22,760 --> 01:20:26,560
Mmm. Quite, quite, yes, indeed, quite.

1702
01:20:26,960 --> 01:20:28,405
Quite a conundrum, this.

1703
01:20:28,600 --> 01:20:30,807
I shall need a moment
to think this through, I'm afraid.

1704
01:20:30,960 --> 01:20:33,042
Yes, do. Do think.

1705
01:20:33,200 --> 01:20:34,929
Just bear in mind, I'm standing on a loo,

1706
01:20:35,040 --> 01:20:36,405
holding a dead man's Goya.

1707
01:20:37,800 --> 01:20:40,087
Our painting is entered
in Sedgwick's Friday auction,

1708
01:20:40,200 --> 01:20:41,247
is it not?

1709
01:20:41,720 --> 01:20:42,767
Yes.

1710
01:20:43,280 --> 01:20:44,406
Perfect.

1711
01:20:44,800 --> 01:20:47,201
We are going to
enter the Goya into the auction,

1712
01:20:47,320 --> 01:20:48,765
disguised as our Sheridan.

1713
01:20:49,280 --> 01:20:50,725
But it's already at Sedgwick's.

1714
01:20:50,800 --> 01:20:52,245
It's been authenticated.

1715
01:20:52,480 --> 01:20:53,811
We'll make a switch.

1716
01:20:54,440 --> 01:20:57,125
But first we must convince our buyers

1717
01:20:57,240 --> 01:20:58,651
that the Goya's back in play.

1718
01:20:58,920 --> 01:21:00,649
They won't take our word for it.

1719
01:21:00,760 --> 01:21:02,250
They'll want to see it themselves.

1720
01:21:02,440 --> 01:21:03,930
Then we'll show it to them.

1721
01:21:04,600 --> 01:21:06,762
<i>What the situation requires now</i>

1722
01:21:06,920 --> 01:21:09,321
<i>is a well-spun rumor.</i>

1723
01:21:09,440 --> 01:21:11,568
Sir Graham. A message for you, sir.

1724
01:21:14,240 --> 01:21:16,447
What is all this nonsense?

1725
01:21:16,960 --> 01:21:20,089
You know I'm not interested
in your flaccid Sheridan.

1726
01:21:20,760 --> 01:21:22,171
Darling?

1727
01:21:25,320 --> 01:21:26,481
(GRAHAM GASPS)

1728
01:21:28,120 --> 01:21:29,167
Interested now?

1729
01:21:30,320 --> 01:21:31,481
Very.

1730
01:21:32,600 --> 01:21:34,568
But I watched it burn.

1731
01:21:34,640 --> 01:21:36,085
It's Mortdecai, sir.

1732
01:21:36,200 --> 01:21:38,009
Chatter is he's found a dashedly clever way

1733
01:21:38,160 --> 01:21:39,764
to move it on the open market.

1734
01:21:41,480 --> 01:21:43,130
The auction starts at 5:00 p.m.

1735
01:21:43,200 --> 01:21:44,964
I want that painting.

1736
01:21:45,840 --> 01:21:47,126
The auction got it.

1737
01:21:48,880 --> 01:21:50,006
Good luck!

1738
01:21:50,480 --> 01:21:51,891
(CHIMES)

1739
01:22:01,520 --> 01:22:04,364
I believe he still owes me a finger.

1740
01:22:16,520 --> 01:22:18,363
- Hello, pookie.
- Hello, darling.

1741
01:22:18,560 --> 01:22:20,005
I nicked one of their passkeys.

1742
01:22:20,160 --> 01:22:21,400
MORTDECAI: Well done.

1743
01:22:21,520 --> 01:22:22,646
We're Lot Seven.

1744
01:22:22,720 --> 01:22:24,563
I shall need 30 seconds to make the switch

1745
01:22:24,680 --> 01:22:26,170
once it's announced. Do not delay.

1746
01:22:26,240 --> 01:22:28,080
I know this building like
the back of my hand.

1747
01:22:28,160 --> 01:22:30,208
- You will have your time.
- Oh. Mmm.

1748
01:22:31,320 --> 01:22:32,526
Good luck.

1749
01:22:49,040 --> 01:22:50,644
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

1750
01:22:50,720 --> 01:22:51,881
Welcome to Sedgwick's

1751
01:22:52,040 --> 01:22:56,887
Autumn Master's Sale.
We shall begin with Lot One.

1752
01:22:58,040 --> 01:23:00,407
<i>Barnyard Friends.</i>
A lovely Helen Allingham,

1753
01:23:00,600 --> 01:23:04,571
depicting two horses,
an ass, and several cocks.

1754
01:23:04,840 --> 01:23:06,729
There's a lovely sky here.

1755
01:23:06,840 --> 01:23:10,083
Shall we start the bidding
at 17,000 pounds?

1756
01:23:10,440 --> 01:23:12,681
Seventeen thousand pounds,
thank you very much.

1757
01:23:18,440 --> 01:23:20,920
Stealthy, man, stealthy.

1758
01:23:21,400 --> 01:23:22,526
Oh.

1759
01:23:22,640 --> 01:23:24,404
Like a jungle cat.

1760
01:23:24,600 --> 01:23:25,601
Oh! Ahh!

1761
01:23:27,480 --> 01:23:29,960
Hello, Vladimir.
So good to see you out and about.

1762
01:23:30,080 --> 01:23:31,120
Tell us where painting is,

1763
01:23:31,200 --> 01:23:32,850
or you have big hole in your head.

1764
01:23:32,920 --> 01:23:34,763
You will have hole in your balls!

1765
01:23:37,080 --> 01:23:39,401
Why is Dmitri obsessed with testicula?

1766
01:23:41,320 --> 01:23:42,810
(GROANS)

1767
01:23:44,440 --> 01:23:47,444
Your mother and father only met once.

1768
01:23:47,560 --> 01:23:49,085
And money changed hands.

1769
01:23:49,640 --> 01:23:50,641
(GROANS)

1770
01:23:50,800 --> 01:23:52,564
Probably less than a 20.

1771
01:23:53,840 --> 01:23:56,764
And they say she was dressed
as a man at the time.

1772
01:23:57,280 --> 01:24:01,285
I wouldn't, mate.
I really wouldn't.

1773
01:24:02,120 --> 01:24:05,010
Sold to the gentleman in the fuchsia ascot.

1774
01:24:05,320 --> 01:24:07,163
Moving on to Lot Two.

1775
01:24:07,440 --> 01:24:08,680
All right. There.

1776
01:24:08,960 --> 01:24:10,928
You won't be needing this anymore, will you?

1777
01:24:11,000 --> 01:24:12,001
Will you? Huh?

1778
01:24:13,000 --> 01:24:14,081
- Ahh!
- Ooh!

1779
01:24:14,640 --> 01:24:15,760
- (DMITRI GROANING)
- (YELPS)

1780
01:24:16,960 --> 01:24:18,166
My God. (GROANS)

1781
01:24:18,480 --> 01:24:19,481
(GROANING)

1782
01:24:19,600 --> 01:24:22,001
Oh, dash it all, Jock, man, your hand!

1783
01:24:22,160 --> 01:24:23,207
(GRUNTING)

1784
01:24:23,320 --> 01:24:24,970
It's all right, sir, I've got another.

1785
01:24:25,160 --> 01:24:26,241
You know, remarkably,

1786
01:24:26,320 --> 01:24:27,731
this is not the first time I've shot Jock.

1787
01:24:27,800 --> 01:24:28,801
JOCK: Sir, the switch.

1788
01:24:29,000 --> 01:24:30,445
- Mmm?
- The switch, sir.

1789
01:24:30,520 --> 01:24:31,601
Oh, quite right.

1790
01:24:31,680 --> 01:24:33,330
- (SCREAMS)
- No time to dally. Ugh.

1791
01:24:34,000 --> 01:24:35,365
(WAILING)

1792
01:24:36,680 --> 01:24:37,681
(GRUNTING)

1793
01:24:38,640 --> 01:24:40,005
(LAUGHING)

1794
01:24:45,440 --> 01:24:47,124
JOCK: I'll meet you inside, sir.

1795
01:24:47,800 --> 01:24:50,121
And we move on to Lot Four.

1796
01:24:50,320 --> 01:24:53,483
Fernand Just Quignon's <i>Lavender Field.</i>

1797
01:24:54,840 --> 01:24:56,001
Isn't it charming?

1798
01:24:57,520 --> 01:24:59,409
(AUCTIONEER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

1799
01:25:04,240 --> 01:25:05,685
(LOCK CLICKS)

1800
01:25:20,560 --> 01:25:21,846
(DOOR BUZZING)

1801
01:25:22,880 --> 01:25:25,724
AUCTIONEER: Thirty-five thousand pounds.

1802
01:25:28,160 --> 01:25:31,926
Forty thousand pounds? 40,000?
45, isn't it?

1803
01:25:32,040 --> 01:25:35,567
Forty-five, thank you, sir.
45, 50, back on the...

1804
01:25:41,680 --> 01:25:42,841
Give me the painting.

1805
01:25:47,040 --> 01:25:48,690
(SWORDS CLATTERING)

1806
01:25:50,040 --> 01:25:51,041
What painting?

1807
01:25:52,840 --> 01:25:53,841
Oh!

1808
01:25:54,920 --> 01:25:56,126
I see that you have been schooled

1809
01:25:56,240 --> 01:25:58,561
in the fine art of fencing.

1810
01:25:59,280 --> 01:26:00,327
(MORTDECAI CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

1811
01:26:00,400 --> 01:26:01,447
Alas,

1812
01:26:03,920 --> 01:26:05,046
so have I.

1813
01:26:06,520 --> 01:26:09,091
An essential part of
every gentleman's education.

1814
01:26:10,640 --> 01:26:13,291
And as a gentleman, I should warn you

1815
01:26:13,880 --> 01:26:16,201
that my coup d'arret is
still whispered about

1816
01:26:16,280 --> 01:26:18,647
in hushed tones to this very day.

1817
01:26:18,800 --> 01:26:20,040
- Ooh!
- (YELLS)

1818
01:26:20,240 --> 01:26:21,241
(YELPS)

1819
01:26:21,760 --> 01:26:24,001
I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it!

1820
01:26:24,080 --> 01:26:25,081
Oh, Oh, Oh!

1821
01:26:26,440 --> 01:26:28,727
Twenty-five thousand pounds.

1822
01:26:36,600 --> 01:26:37,601
(DOOR BUZZING)

1823
01:26:38,280 --> 01:26:41,568
AUCTIONEER: Lot Five.
<i>Smiling Woman in a Chair.</i>

1824
01:26:50,640 --> 01:26:51,641
(DOOR BUZZING)

1825
01:26:52,320 --> 01:26:53,321
(YELLING)

1826
01:26:54,120 --> 01:26:57,522
Sold for 210,000 pounds.

1827
01:27:01,760 --> 01:27:05,321
<i>And now, moving on to Lot Six.</i>

1828
01:27:07,480 --> 01:27:08,641
(YELPS)

1829
01:27:09,000 --> 01:27:10,126
(SCREAMING)

1830
01:27:13,840 --> 01:27:14,921
Ha-ha!

1831
01:27:17,320 --> 01:27:18,321
Oh.

1832
01:27:21,120 --> 01:27:22,167
Ha-ha!

1833
01:27:29,520 --> 01:27:30,646
(GRUNTING) Oh!

1834
01:27:32,840 --> 01:27:33,887
Oh, dear.

1835
01:27:40,840 --> 01:27:42,001
(GASPS)

1836
01:27:43,960 --> 01:27:46,088
I would like to humbly

1837
01:27:46,160 --> 01:27:47,810
and unreservedly offer my deepest...

1838
01:27:47,880 --> 01:27:49,370
(YELLING)

1839
01:27:50,480 --> 01:27:51,527
Truce?

1840
01:27:56,040 --> 01:27:57,121
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

1841
01:27:57,200 --> 01:27:58,406
AUCTIONEER: Ladies and gentlemen,

1842
01:27:58,520 --> 01:28:00,045
if you would please remain calm.

1843
01:28:02,400 --> 01:28:03,526
(EMIL YELLING)

1844
01:28:12,720 --> 01:28:14,131
Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please

1845
01:28:14,200 --> 01:28:16,202
remain in your seats, I would be grateful.

1846
01:28:19,560 --> 01:28:20,561
Ah!

1847
01:28:21,600 --> 01:28:23,443
(AUCTIONEER SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON PA)

1848
01:28:26,200 --> 01:28:27,361
Where is Mortdecai?

1849
01:28:29,040 --> 01:28:30,565
Well, come on, then.

1850
01:28:31,280 --> 01:28:32,611
(SIRENS WAILING)

1851
01:28:39,080 --> 01:28:40,241
(GRUNTING)

1852
01:28:51,600 --> 01:28:52,726
(SCREAMING)

1853
01:28:54,120 --> 01:28:55,246
God.

1854
01:28:56,600 --> 01:28:57,726
(STRAINING)

1855
01:28:58,080 --> 01:29:02,688
Going on to Lot Seven.
<i>Colonel Blucher</i>

1856
01:29:02,760 --> 01:29:05,445
<i>- with Hounds near Twineham.</i>
- But quietly. Quietly.

1857
01:29:06,720 --> 01:29:10,042
A lovely Sheridan offered
by the Mortdecai estate.

1858
01:29:10,240 --> 01:29:13,608
Shall we start the bidding
at 100,000 pounds?

1859
01:29:14,760 --> 01:29:16,922
One hundred thousand pounds.
Thank you, Sir Graham.

1860
01:29:17,320 --> 01:29:18,446
(GRUNTING)

1861
01:29:18,760 --> 01:29:20,603
Fang wants finger.

1862
01:29:21,000 --> 01:29:23,241
Must go and bid.
Must go and bid. Must go and bid.

1863
01:29:26,720 --> 01:29:27,960
Where is Mortdecai?

1864
01:29:28,400 --> 01:29:29,606
Tell me.

1865
01:29:29,960 --> 01:29:32,964
He's not here, mate. He sent me.

1866
01:29:34,160 --> 01:29:35,321
MAN: Where is he?

1867
01:29:35,440 --> 01:29:37,442
JOCK: It's just me, mate.

1868
01:29:38,120 --> 01:29:39,485
Oh, God!

1869
01:29:40,440 --> 01:29:42,522
Dear, sweet, heroic Jock.

1870
01:29:43,480 --> 01:29:45,642
Two hundred. Very good. Do we have three?

1871
01:29:45,800 --> 01:29:46,801
Three.

1872
01:29:47,160 --> 01:29:50,323
Yes, well, in future,
if you could please use your paddles.

1873
01:29:50,520 --> 01:29:53,490
I will take your finger.

1874
01:29:53,600 --> 01:29:55,329
(WHIMPERING)

1875
01:29:56,960 --> 01:29:58,007
(BOTH SPEAKING CANTONESE)

1876
01:30:12,360 --> 01:30:14,124
(SOFTLY) I couldn't help overhearing

1877
01:30:14,200 --> 01:30:17,522
some discussion about your finger.

1878
01:30:18,000 --> 01:30:20,685
Oh, don't worry about that,
sir, I've got nine more.

1879
01:30:24,480 --> 01:30:26,881
I feel simply awful, man,
but I must get to the auction.

1880
01:30:27,160 --> 01:30:28,685
I'll be all right, sir.

1881
01:30:29,040 --> 01:30:30,530
We need eight million.

1882
01:30:32,680 --> 01:30:34,040
AUCTIONEER: Now, can we go to 500?

1883
01:30:34,120 --> 01:30:35,246
500, ladies and gentlemen.

1884
01:30:35,880 --> 01:30:37,450
(SOFTLY) There he is.
Now don't cause a panic.

1885
01:30:37,520 --> 01:30:38,726
Just get him.

1886
01:30:38,840 --> 01:30:39,966
AUCTIONEER: Five hundred thousand.

1887
01:30:40,080 --> 01:30:42,082
Five hundred thousand.

1888
01:30:42,200 --> 01:30:43,201
(SOFTLY) Hold. Hold.

1889
01:30:43,320 --> 01:30:45,402
AUCTIONEER: Thank you, madam, 500,000.

1890
01:30:45,520 --> 01:30:48,444
Do I have 600?
600,000 pounds, ladies and gentlemen.

1891
01:30:48,520 --> 01:30:50,443
- Bid.
- Oh! What?

1892
01:30:50,520 --> 01:30:51,567
(SHOUTS)

1893
01:30:51,680 --> 01:30:53,921
A bid from Lady Mortdecai, who seems to be

1894
01:30:54,040 --> 01:30:55,451
bidding on her own painting.

1895
01:30:55,520 --> 01:30:57,320
Just taking the horse for
a trot out to London

1896
01:30:57,360 --> 01:30:58,486
and back, are we?

1897
01:30:58,680 --> 01:31:01,047
- Oh! Yeah.
- Very well. 600 then.

1898
01:31:01,400 --> 01:31:03,243
(WHISPERING)
I'll make it up to you, Jockie.

1899
01:31:03,360 --> 01:31:05,601
Oh, I know you will, sir. You always do.

1900
01:31:15,040 --> 01:31:16,166
(JOCK GRUNTING)

1901
01:31:23,120 --> 01:31:24,246
(GROANS)

1902
01:31:29,960 --> 01:31:31,530
Well done, sir.

1903
01:31:34,960 --> 01:31:36,883
It is a privilege, Jock.

1904
01:31:38,200 --> 01:31:40,646
AUCTIONEER ON PA:
<i>Are we all done at 900,000?</i>

1905
01:31:41,280 --> 01:31:42,884
- Go bid!
- Oh!

1906
01:31:43,360 --> 01:31:47,001
AUCTIONEER: <i>Fair warning at 900,000 pounds</i>

1907
01:31:47,080 --> 01:31:48,445
from Sir Graham.

1908
01:31:50,080 --> 01:31:53,607
Last chance. And we are...

1909
01:31:53,720 --> 01:31:54,926
Darling.

1910
01:31:56,920 --> 01:31:58,570
Yes, Lord Mortdecai?

1911
01:31:58,920 --> 01:32:00,922
Would you also like to make a bid?

1912
01:32:02,280 --> 01:32:03,281
Ten million pounds.

1913
01:32:03,360 --> 01:32:04,361
(ALL GASP)

1914
01:32:04,440 --> 01:32:07,603
AUCTIONEER: Ten million pounds
from Lord Mortdecai himself.

1915
01:32:07,800 --> 01:32:09,086
- (SCREAMING)
- (PEOPLE GASPING)

1916
01:32:10,760 --> 01:32:11,761
(SOFTLY) Move!

1917
01:32:11,920 --> 01:32:14,571
- MAN: Come on!
- Twenty million, you swine!

1918
01:32:15,320 --> 01:32:16,606
Twenty-five million.

1919
01:32:16,920 --> 01:32:19,969
EMIL: Twenty-five and a half!
26 and a quarter!

1920
01:32:20,120 --> 01:32:21,240
Thirty million. Final offer!

1921
01:32:21,320 --> 01:32:22,924
AUCTIONEER: Is that our final bid?

1922
01:32:23,160 --> 01:32:26,960
Are we all done at 30 million pounds?

1923
01:32:28,280 --> 01:32:29,327
Sold.

1924
01:32:29,480 --> 01:32:30,641
(APPLAUSE)

1925
01:32:33,560 --> 01:32:36,803
There you are. 2,642 pounds.

1926
01:32:38,840 --> 01:32:40,251
I do beg your pardon.

1927
01:32:40,320 --> 01:32:43,244
Uh, maths were never my strong suit.

1928
01:32:43,640 --> 01:32:45,927
But there was mention of 30 million,

1929
01:32:46,000 --> 01:32:47,161
so you take that.

1930
01:32:47,600 --> 01:32:49,011
Uh, less commission, carrying,

1931
01:32:49,080 --> 01:32:50,730
handling, and transfer taxes,

1932
01:32:50,960 --> 01:32:52,840
left a total of just over
eight million pounds.

1933
01:32:53,480 --> 01:32:55,926
Which I am sorry to report has been...

1934
01:32:56,000 --> 01:32:57,604
Garnished by Her Majesty's government

1935
01:32:57,680 --> 01:33:00,968
in settlement of your tax bill, Charlie.

1936
01:33:03,000 --> 01:33:04,081
Can you think of a good reason

1937
01:33:04,160 --> 01:33:05,969
why I shouldn't arrest you right now?

1938
01:33:07,440 --> 01:33:08,851
I eschew discomfort?

1939
01:33:10,120 --> 01:33:11,963
JOHANNA: Any blame here should fall on me.

1940
01:33:13,040 --> 01:33:14,451
Dear Alastair,

1941
01:33:15,240 --> 01:33:17,368
if I led you to believe
there was anything between us,

1942
01:33:17,440 --> 01:33:19,283
it was merely to find out about the case

1943
01:33:19,360 --> 01:33:21,124
and protect my husband.

1944
01:33:21,240 --> 01:33:22,890
Can you forgive me?

1945
01:33:22,960 --> 01:33:24,200
Of course, Johanna.

1946
01:33:25,880 --> 01:33:27,166
- Charlie?
- Mmm.

1947
01:33:30,360 --> 01:33:32,522
It was a damned good try, old bean.

1948
01:33:37,680 --> 01:33:39,728
"Of all sad words of tongue or pen,

1949
01:33:40,320 --> 01:33:43,244
"the saddest are these,
'It might have been'."

1950
01:33:44,600 --> 01:33:46,090
Thank you, Maurice.

1951
01:33:56,400 --> 01:34:00,086
MORTDECAI: <i>Poor Jock.
He was frantic with worry.</i>

1952
01:34:01,160 --> 01:34:04,562
<i>But I knew everything
would be all right in the end.</i>

1953
01:34:04,640 --> 01:34:07,325
(INHALES DEEPLY)

1954
01:34:09,000 --> 01:34:10,684
Magnificent.

1955
01:34:13,240 --> 01:34:15,004
Do you think the codes are really there?

1956
01:34:15,760 --> 01:34:17,603
They most certainly are, darling.

1957
01:34:17,680 --> 01:34:20,001
And I gave them to the authorities.

1958
01:34:20,080 --> 01:34:22,287
Anonymously, of course.

1959
01:34:23,240 --> 01:34:25,561
We may be flat broke, my darling,

1960
01:34:25,680 --> 01:34:27,842
but we are not desperate.

1961
01:34:28,360 --> 01:34:30,203
I do hope Romanov doesn't come down

1962
01:34:30,280 --> 01:34:31,805
too hard on Sir Graham,

1963
01:34:31,880 --> 01:34:34,565
when he finds out he bought the wrong fake.

1964
01:34:35,360 --> 01:34:36,691
Lights.

1965
01:34:37,800 --> 01:34:39,131
(CLICKING)

1966
01:34:43,400 --> 01:34:45,289
That is disappointing.

1967
01:34:45,920 --> 01:34:47,331
Very disappointing.

1968
01:34:47,920 --> 01:34:49,490
Open your balls.

1969
01:34:54,400 --> 01:34:55,481
Bollocks.

1970
01:34:56,840 --> 01:35:01,641
Now, tell me about that tramp on the horse.

1971
01:35:03,320 --> 01:35:04,481
Oh, my darling,

1972
01:35:04,560 --> 01:35:07,564
I tried desperately to
be unfaithful to you,

1973
01:35:07,680 --> 01:35:09,125
I really did.

1974
01:35:10,160 --> 01:35:11,844
But I just couldn't do it.

1975
01:35:13,760 --> 01:35:16,081
It's a terrible moment
when you find yourself

1976
01:35:16,160 --> 01:35:18,845
falling in love with your
own spouse, isn't it?

1977
01:35:19,680 --> 01:35:22,126
Now, that is the look that softens

1978
01:35:22,200 --> 01:35:24,202
every bone in my body,

1979
01:35:24,840 --> 01:35:26,126
except one.

1980
01:35:28,240 --> 01:35:31,005
Do you mean you are ready?

1981
01:35:32,680 --> 01:35:34,728
I see no obstacle to such a course.

1982
01:35:38,480 --> 01:35:40,005
My love, surely you recall

1983
01:35:40,080 --> 01:35:42,686
I have already been circumcised.

1984
01:35:44,920 --> 01:35:46,524
(SIGHS) Mmm...

1985
01:35:47,920 --> 01:35:49,285
Charlie?

1986
01:35:50,120 --> 01:35:53,169
Mrs. Mortdecai, as you well know,

1987
01:35:53,880 --> 01:35:56,611
I am a man of few words.

1988
01:35:56,680 --> 01:35:57,966
(CHUCKLES)

1989
01:35:59,480 --> 01:36:02,643
I deeply, deeply love

1990
01:36:04,560 --> 01:36:06,085
my moustache.

1991
01:36:08,400 --> 01:36:09,561
But

1992
01:36:09,640 --> 01:36:10,971
I have discovered

1993
01:36:12,400 --> 01:36:13,925
that I love you

1994
01:36:15,680 --> 01:36:16,727
more.

1995
01:36:19,960 --> 01:36:21,007
Proceed.

1996
01:36:24,480 --> 01:36:26,642
Would you really do that for me?

1997
01:36:28,160 --> 01:36:33,007
For you, there is nothing I would not do.

1998
01:36:37,080 --> 01:36:39,321
Well, in that case, Mr. Mortdecai,

1999
01:36:40,520 --> 01:36:44,161
I should be very pleased
if you would keep it.

2000
01:36:45,120 --> 01:36:46,246
Really?

2001
01:36:47,080 --> 01:36:48,730
I mean... (MUMBLES)

2002
01:36:49,040 --> 01:36:50,121
Mmm...

2003
01:36:50,680 --> 01:36:51,966
Oh, darl...

2004
01:36:53,280 --> 01:36:54,691
Your gag reflex.

2005
01:36:55,840 --> 01:36:57,171
Try me.

2006
01:36:57,440 --> 01:36:58,726
(CHUCKLES APPROVINGLY)

2007
01:37:08,320 --> 01:37:09,526
Pookie.

2008
01:37:10,200 --> 01:37:12,248
I have never been so...

2009
01:37:12,320 --> 01:37:13,446
(BOTH GAGGING)

2010
01:37:13,560 --> 01:37:15,210
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)