Teacher Anon

The bell clattered in the hallway, class was in session. Only, there was a slight problem. There was no teacher. The students looked at each other, the yak scratching her head while the griffon gave a shrug.


"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking-fuckity FUCK!" The voice echoed through the halls, Twilight's ears perking up as she led Chancellor Neighsay towards the classroms. The profanity finally registering, he raised an eyebrow at Twilight, then scribbled something down on his clipboard. Twilight's eye twitched as she let out a strangled groan. This tour had to go flawlessly, Anon better not fuck it up.


The door to the classroom burst open, a tall green man hunched over in the doorframe, belt being fastened to his black dress  pants as he heaved for breath. His red tie was disheveled, like it had been thrown on as an afterthought. The students looked at each other hesitantly, nobody wanting to say anything. The green man straightened up, finished fastening his belt, and walked over to the chalkboard.

"Aight," he said, letting out a deep breath. "I'm your teacher, Anon Y Mous, but you can refer to me as either Mr Anon or sir. And today, we're learning how to integrate."

"What are we-" A tiny blue changeling asked before she got interupted.

"Hey! No talking when the teacher is talking! Raise your hand and wait until I call on you!"

The changeling gulped, hunched over in shame before timidly raising a hoof into the air.

"Yes?"

"Where are we integrating into? We've already been around ponies enough to know what they're like."

They say Anon's devilish grin grew three sizes that day.


"You see Chancellor, we're just..." Twilight started, sweating bullets as she stared at the small smudge of dirt on the floor.

"We were just, uhm, testing you!" Starlight spouted out, giving a sheepish grin. "You know, to make sure you had a keen eye for the small details."

Chancellor Neighsay gave a harumph, before moving on, his quill scratching furiously on his clipboard. Twilight face-hoofed and mentally kicked herself for not sending Rarity through here to make sure that everything was alright.


"So then you bring the exponent up by one power and multiply by the reciprocal for that term, repeat for all the terms, and then evaluate for your bounds." Anon said, his face coated in chalk dust as he turned back towards the class. That chalkboard was empty five minutes ago. Now there was more chalk then board on it. "Any questions?"

The griffon murmured under his breath.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say it a little bit louder?"

"I thought we were supposed to be learning about friendship and stuff. I mean, those classes were still pretty boring, but I at least knew what was going on." The griffon said, examining his talons nonchalantly.

"Fuck that noise," Anon said. "I've been here for eight seasons now, and I still haven't learned jack shit about friendship. What makes you think I can teach it?"

"Uhm, well, Twilight trusts you enough to put you here" some cunt of a birdhorse said.

Anon let out a dry laugh. "Purplesmart put me here so she could keep an eye on me, not because we're friends."

A hoof shot up in the back from some dudebro looking pony. "Hey man, uhm, what's an exponent?"

The sound of something snapping was audible throughout the classroom.


"I tire of all these hallways. When will we see the classroom portion of this tour?" Neighsay muttered.

"Hey, Twilight," Starlight whispered. "Who's teaching right now?"

Twilight gulped. "Anon is."

Starlight paled. "We gotta stall until the next session!"

"What do you think I'm doing!"

"Excuse me ladies," Neighsay turned around. "I didn't quite hear what you said. Would you like to repeat that for me?"

"We were just discussing which classroom to take you to!" Twilight laughed nervously.

"Oh, well any one will do." Neighsay offered a hoof towards the nearest one. The door was labelled "Anon's Bunker". Twilight let out a nervous giggle, stroking her tail.


"What do you mean 'What's a graph?' Do they even teach you fillies anything here?!" Anon said, fingernails digging into his skull. "I spent 4 years getting an engineering degree alone, and you're telling me that you've spent your entire school career without even knowing how to multiply?!"

"4 years learning math? No wonder he doesn't have any friends." The griffon said snidely, the class giggling. Anon's face twitched, with one thing going through his mind.

'~All the other kids with the pumped up kicks~'


Something loud smashed inside the classroom, the door shuddering violently against it's frame. Chancellor Neighsay reached out with his magic to open it, eyebrow raised, when Twilight flung herself in front of the door.

"Wait! Don't open it!" Twilight shouted.

"What is the meaning of this?!" Neighsay shouted, trying to peer inside the window. Twilight's wings flared up, blocking his view.

"They're really busy right now, maybe we should come back later?" Twilight said, a sheepish grin on her face. It quickly dissapeared when shattered bits of wood and metal flew through the window, leaving shards everywhere.

"It sounds like a battlefield in there Miss Sparkle! I demand to know what's going on at once!"

"They're... uhm..."

"They're going through a live demonstration right now!" Starlight perked up, picking up the shattered glass in her magical aura. "It would disrupt their learning process if we barged in right now!" She gave a sheepish smile as Neighsay narrowed his eyes.


"Get the hell back here you piece of shit!" Anon shouted, belt in hand. "I'll whip that featureless crotch of yours so hard people will think you can lay eggs from it!" The classroom was in ruins, pieces of desks everywhere as Anon tried to slaughter the troublemaker.

"Anon Y Mous? More like Anon Y Mouse!" The griffon shouted, soaring over Anon's attempts to grab him. Anon grabbed the nearest desk and threw it at the griffon, only for it to smash against the ceiling with a loud crash. Anon grabbed one of the desks legs and started slapping at the griffon's wings with it.


"I'll believe it when I see it, out of the way!" Chancellor Neighsay ordered, his aura surrounding Twilight and flinging her to the side. He grabbed the doorknob in his telekinetic grip and flung it open.


The griffon gasped as he saw the door open. Now was his chance! He dashed over to the doorway, his one shot at freedom.

"Oh no you don't!" Anon shouted, tossing the desk leg towards the doorway. The griffon slammed into it falling to the ground. Anon sprinted over as he tried to get up and tackled the smaller creature. Anon eventually got the upper hand and wrapped the belt around the griffon's legs, cinching it tight. Then, he grabbed the wings and held it in a full-neslon esque position until the griffon stopped struggling. It was only then that he noticed Twilight and Starlight standing in the doorway, and a very intruiged looking stallion standing in front of him.

"I must say, Miss Sparkle, I was not expecting a live specimen, much less one willing to cooperate with the lesson plan." He said, slowly pacing around Anon and his griffon captive. "Mr... Anon, is it?" He asked, Anon nodding, dumbstruck as to what the hell was going on. "You have no wings, no magic, nor innate earth pony strength, correct?" Anon nodded again. "Yet you're teaching these ponies?" Another nod, then Neighsay turned back towards Twilight.

"I must say, his teaching methods are rather unusual, but I'll overlook that for the simple fact that he's teaching these fillies how to defend themselves so effectively."

"Huh?" Starlight started, "What do you-" Twilight slammed her mouth shut with her magic, stepping in to do the talking.

"Yes! I mean, that's very generous of you Chancellor." Twilight said.

"I must say, I'm surprised you have such an extensive lesson plan in action already!" Neighsay said. "You have live subjects from each species already," Neighsay pointed to the Student Six, "and have an excellent instructor in place" Neighsay pointed to Anon, still holding the rowdy griffon tightly. "These facilities seem rather unnaccomadating for these demonstrations though, I would suggest moving to a more open area, such as a training field. But, that's for latter. For now, let us continue with the tour!" Neighsay said, trotting out the doorway, leaving all the ponies and Anon dumbstruck.

"So," Anon said, breaking the silence, "what was that all ab-" His words were cut off by a certain purple alicorn's lips. His eyes went wide, and his face turned from pine green to beet red.

Twilight broke the kiss, looking deep into his eyes with a smirk. "Never change Anon," she said before prancing off, leaving a dumbstruck Anon fliundering for words on the floor.