Jump 164: Rick and Morty

Jump #164: Rick and Morty
>Ace of Wands, reversed (A surge of vitality, creativity, or fertility that can set dangerous events in motion.)
Now that's a fitting card for this jump...
>Age: 80?
>Location: The Garage
>Identity: Rick
>Drawbacks: Wanted Man (+200), The Council of Ricks (+300)
Being wanted by the Federation is one thing, but the Council of Ricks? Is this, at last, a worthy challenge?
...nah. But they might still give me a run for my money.
>Focus On Science (Free, Rick)
If I get pissed off, I can science the shit out of everything. Worth it.
>Hidden Wavelength (1300)
I think masquerading as an innocent child might be pushing it a bit far, but this could still be very useful.
>Genius (1000, Rick)
Look. Ricks are geniuses. But while I look like a Rick, I'm not. I'm much more than that. I'm a sober Rick. And there is nothing more dangerous than a sober Rick.
>Personal Space (960)
You know, I take personal space pretty seriously, but you gotta know where to draw a line. And that line is right outside my personal space.
>Portal Gun (350)
Once I start thinking with portals, I am sure as hell not stopping.
>Interdimensional Goggles (Free)
Hey, I need to be able to map out the portals somehow. I'm sure I can adapt these to not just look through the eyes of my alternate self.
>Grappling Shoes (300)
Actually, these might be very useful.
>Concentrated Dark Matter (200)
Huh. Simpler recipe than I thought. I'll be keeping this tucked away.
>Microverse Battery (0)
...honestly I'm less interested in using this as an infinite supply of energy as I am interested in replicating it so I can have it produce energy on MY terms. Screw the little people inside, they can do what they want.

So, it turns out that I wake up as a Rick. And I think it's time to stop drinking. In fact, it's time to change a lot of things. So what if I moved back in with my daughter and her useless husband and their kids? Morty's a good kid, just needs some confidence. Summer? Honestly, she's pretty good too. But they all deserve better than a drunk dragging them around and accidentally apocalypsing all the time, and while it's gonna be more normal than they might expect (within certain boundaries), I'm gonna be a decent dad to Beth. I'm going to try to pull Jerry out of his rut and get him to get a job - I'm sure he would do just fine taking random companies' catalog orders or something - and I'm going to actually be decent to the kids. With only occasionally dragging them into crazy business. We're talking maybe every couple months, not weekly or more often.

Of course, it's a big multiverse out there. I'm not gonna be BORING. The important thing to keep in mind is that I can clone myself. And a clone of myself is the one that's staying home with Beth and Jerry and the kids. I mean, it's me so I'm experiencing that too, but the multiverse is too interesting to sit still in. There's a lot I need to see out there. And it's all gonna go south when I step outside the boundaries set by the 'rules' laid down by the council of Ricks, of course. Which should take maybe a month. MAYBE two. But screw them, why should I play by their rules? So they want to come hunt me down, that's fine. Let them try. It's not like my attempt to take down the local Federation from the inside worked, and targeted assassinations didn't really do it either, though at least they didn't trace them back to me. Hacking them to throw them into chaos worked a little better, though.

But no, the thing is, when you're a sober Rick and literally every other Rick (except one) is an alcoholic... poisoning the well when it comes to alcohol is surprisingly easy. And sure, I'm dealing with absolute geniuses all around, but there are always ways.

And the day will come where 99.999% repeating of the multiverse's Ricks simultaneously grab their chests and keel over from all of their internal organs spontaneously liquifying. Sure, there'll be a small fraction that survive from sheer dumb luck like C-137's, or alien biology like the Cronenberg Rick, or a handful escaping via cloning technology or not taking part in the council of Ricks, but that's why I'm also stealing a doomsday device and planting it in the dimension that holds the council of Ricks so that I can rip a hole in the fabric of spacetime.

Rick Sanchez is simply too dangerous. No one man should have that kind of power, no matter how many of him there are.

Unless he's me, of course.

The Citadel.

Oh man, the Citadel. God, that was fun.

You know how you destroy a society properly? You poison the well. You make sure all the Citadel-aligned Ricks get a binary agent that'll kill them. Alcohol and aerosol. Out of context magic that remains dormant unless triggered, so nothing short of a god of magic can detect it. You set that contingency to trigger while you're gone.

You sit back and you watch with glee as every single Rick who's been on the Citadel keels over and dies because their internal organs liquified. Which makes things super awkward when SEAL Team Rick breaks into the GalFed to assassinate Rick and gets liquified a heartbeat before they would have put one in Rick's head. Not that he was using it, but at least it means he can transfer back in.

I may or may not have collaborated with a certain Morty to achieve this.

Why, you ask? Why destroy almost every other copy of yourself in existence? Because I took a long look in the mirror, decided I didn't like what I saw, and the local multiverse is better off without old drunks who are high on their own intellect and ego.

I refused to even wear a Rick's face while I ran around the multiverse. Call it self-loathing, call it what you will. Being a Rick screwed me up for a little while.