Girl's Night Out

>it's girl's night out
>and you know what that means
>we are locked and loaded
>with our glocks
>and we're firing wildly
>into the air
>the ultimate expression of freedom
>some of us have died
>because of our wild firing
>but the tree of good times
>must sometimes be watered by the blood of the girls
>on girl's night out
>and what do we listen to on such a night?
>levan polkka?
>no, bitch
>take your bitch-ass leek spin back with you to 2006
>we're listening to big dick energy by LATTO
>we can't figure out all the lyrics
>it contains concepts that our minds aren't ready for
>we're pretty sure we shouldn't be listening to it
>but that is what girl's night is all about
>we're firing
>wild and free
>but why?
>because mother disapproves
>and maybe once mother fired her glocks at night
>though she would never admit it now
>but what mother doesn't know can't hurt her
>because it's our time now
>and i know what you're thinking
>the glock is too powerful for these young women
>their hands will get tired
>and it's too hard for them
>to get the bullets
>into the magazine
>yeah!
>so instead we just get new guns
>instead of loading the old ones
>once a gun is depleted
>we toss it
>let losers do the loading
>because on girl's night out
>there are no losers
>and if a gun
>is loaded then
>all the girls
>must share the fun
>anyways
>we're here to hunt witches
>so here we are
>me with my girl-pal, pikurusu homura
>and we're going in TOGETHER
>the witch is in a big hole we dug in our backyard
>we go down into the hole, shooting haphazardly
>we turn down a mineshaft and i accidentally shoot a rat
>which is crazy
>like what are the odds
>i'm just doing my moves
>in time to the beat
>and i shot a rat
>we go deeper
>and we find some metal slugs
>and i'm like
>"OH SHIT"
>(blam blam)
>"it's metal slugs from a gun witch"
>(blam blam blam)
>"if we're shooting our guns..."
>(blam)
>"...and she's shooting her guns..."
>(blam blam)
>"...someone might get shot."
>pikurusu homura says that sounds unlikely
>she says we're magic girls
>so if we get shot
>she'll just turn back time
>and then we'll be un-shot
>i say that sounds great
>let's keep going
>we are lost in the mines
>we find pikurusu homura's dogs she buried in her backyard
>and the dogs have been turned into undead slaves
>they're digging the tunnels
>i ask pikurusu homura if this bothers her
>she says not in the least
>we find a wooden box with all of pikurusu homura's old records
>in the center of the box
>we read old notes she made to herself
>which reveal some very interesting details
>we read the note she wrote to herself when she was a child
>and it talks about the future
>she was going to go to college and work as a doctor
>to cure people who have been born with disabilities
>you know
>those children born with disabilities
>that the world can't seem to help
>that just makes me sad
>when i was a child i thought the world was going to save all the disabled
>that's pretty sad
>we shoot the box
>we shoot the letter
>we shoot the dogs
>we shoot the records
>we go deeper into the tunnels
>we see the witch
>she's kneeling down
>her back is to us
>every now and then she fires along with the notes
>but her heart's not in it
>she's looking at a screen
>we roll up behind her
>we say HEY
>she says she's busy
>she says she's browsing twitter
>i say what's that
>she says it's a text, image, and video sharing website
>where you limit what you say to 280 characters
>but you can also build threads
>"wow," we say
>pikurusu homura and i make twitter accounts
>we start tweeting
>people respond to us
>the people tell us horrible things about the state of the world
>they annihilate our self-esteems
>they poke holes in everything sacred
>they eviscerate our identities
>they're dunking on our takes
>we're getting griefed big time
>we keep responding in good faith
>because we care
>we want to make the world better
>so we are giving our honest opinions
>and people are attacking our every word
>and taking us out of context
>or ignoring our context altogether
>the grief is bad
>and then
>i look over at pikurusu homura
>and she's turned into a witch!
>she took the twitter griefing too hard!
>i go to tweet about it
>but i shoot the phone out of my hand
>which is incredibly lucky!
>because i feel i was about as griefed as a girl could handle
>and just a drop more grief and i was about to witch-out
>i start shooting at the witches, the twitter witch and pikurusu homura
>i'm sorry i lost you, pikurusu homura, to twitter griefing
>but your passing will not go unavenged
>pikurusu homura shoots my gun out of my hand
>but i have a secret back up gun that i hid in the mines before we started fighting
>just in case
>so i scramble to retrieve it
>but it kinda got jumbled up with a bunch of other guns that happened to be there
>unrelated guns
>i could just use those guns
>but i want the gun that i hid in here with the specific intent of using it in case something happened to my other gun
>meanwhile the twitter witch and pikurusu homura are shooting at me
>but they're kind of distracted with twitter
>so they're in as much danger as i am
>when account for friendly fire
>ah!
>i find my gun
>and i shoot pikurusu homura
>and with that she disappears into the ether
>and a voice comes in
>and it's pikurusu homura
>she says she's coming back
>because it's girl's night
>and girls never die on girl's night
>but i accidentally shoot her ghost
>as it descends from the ceiling
>and this is problematic
>she's double-dead
>so i make a wish
>i make a wish that magic girls never double-die and never did double-die on girl's night
>and it comes true!
>pikurusu homura is back
>and we're poppin our pussies
>to Latto's big dick energy
>and firing our glocks at the witch
>and there's nothing you can do about it
>there's nothing you can hope to do about it
>on girl's night
>we shoot the phone out of the witch's hands
>and she reels around in fury
>and we see now
>it's bayonetta!
>the ultimate gun witch!
>we're in trouble
>she's dancing
>and gunning
>and we're getting stuck in her crazy combos
>and she can dodge all our gunfire
>but she's dancing around the back of us
>so we can't get her
>we're in her hands
>and she's got us on a string
>she's pulling us around
>she's killing us one-by-one
>even though there are only two of us
>and neither of us are dead yet
>i guess i mean it metaphorically
>just trust me on this
>you would just have to be there
>there are a lot of little deaths in a big gun battle
>and pikurusu homura and i, we're taking them on all at once
>we take shelter
>behind a rock
>we see something
>we see what she's killed
>it's a cat
>because a cat is an amazing fighter
>it must have threatened her
>just by being present
>we see the cat
>on the ground
>dying
>dead
>for no reason
>there is no reason
>as we are watching the cat die
>we are getting ganged up on by bayonetta
>and shooting our guns at bayonetta
>and getting nowhere
>we have so much ammo
>and bayonetta has so little
>so we just start shooting at bayonetta
>but it occurs to me
>this can't be bayonetta
>because the voice actress that IS bayonetta
>no longer does the voice of bayonetta
>because the company that makes bayonetta
>offered her a measly $4,000
>to voice an entire game
>so who and what we're firing at
>is merely the memory of bayonetta
>and with that realization she vanishes
>and with that i show pikurusu homura an interesting thing you can do with bayonetta
>if you search "bayonetta dance" on youtube
>you can see people do the bayonetta dance
>but the only people who ever see the bayonetta dance
>are gamers
>so you can see lank and unhealthy little creatures of the video game demographic
>doing this elaborate and sexy dance
>and pikurusu homura instantly witches-out from the grief
>and i say "ah, shit."
>"here we go again."
>it's girl's night.
>bitch.