Tune StarYesterday at 10:31 PM

Here, I just dumped my head on a page. You shouldn't have to deal with this much of a mental mess but I appreciate that you're willing to try.
Discord said it had too many characters to send as a message.....

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 10:48 PM

dwai, I'll read it
gives me something to do while gumby finishes in Dazaralor
regarding Kira: someone wanting you or not is not a matter of how good/bad you are, but a matter of the emotions felt by a potential pursuer you can indeed be a wonderful match for someone in all respects, and it can very well come to naught because of there being no spark a spark is nothing more than mutual desire to pursue at the same time

I say this both as someone who is currently not-wanted-by-someone-he-wants and wanted-by-someone-he-doesn't-want
I have no reason to not want the person I don't, except that for me, sexual attraction is a necessary component of a relationship that (I imagine) would contain some sort of sexual component, and the person who wants me is not someone I find sexually attractive
they can be attractive, but they don't attract me specifically

attractiveness in a general sense is not the same as attractiveness in a specific sense
The reason you have a bunch of unanswered questions is because you, like many, feel that there must be a reason for each of these things

sometimes there is no reason

namely, relationship seeking doesn't work like "I'm open to dating anyone who meets a certain set of standards"
this is in part because standards being met are often only one of the factors needed for such being possible
for example, I'll date someone if they meet my standards for someone who I believe it'd be good to date, but that's not all: I need to actually be into them, too

Tune StarYesterday at 10:58 PM

It's very hard for me to process "no reason".

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 10:59 PM

whether or not you can or cannot process the possible fact that there is no reason does not have bearing on whether or not it is factual that there is no reason.

processing is ultimately not just a function of our capacity for reason, but also a function of our capacity to have a heart, and a function of what we are and aren't comfortable with

difficulty processing is as much about lack of understanding as it is about lack of comfort.
as the most Nobody-like of all of us, even I understand this about the heart.

and there is nothing scrutable at all about the things beyond my ken regarding how my body reacts to people, to make me either "into them" or "not"

hell, it can even change for some people

Tune StarYesterday at 11:01 PM

I think I mentioned it but I don't know how to process and get closure on this topic as it stands.
I've zero experience on the matter. Never dated. Virgin never even kissed. Society would say I'm sad for a 23 year old.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:02 PM

well, honestly, it's all a matter of getting to know someone intimately in a context where expression of friendly, romantic, and sexual appreciation is socially acceptable

Namely, showing self-care, self-respect, and a joie de vivre in terms of appreciating what you enjoy in this life are key to drawing a clear picture of who you yourself are

appearance, conduct, and passions all tie into such - for example, everyone in my life can tell I'm considerate, sincere, well-meaning, and helpful to a fucking fault

the clear picture of "me" is drawn - a bombastic man, larger than life, who keenly knows pain and despair, and chooses hope in spite
who hunts every day for means of improving the lives of others, as his choice of hope in spite of despair who cares about his appearance for his own enjoyment, rather than to jump hoops who cares for gaming and learning for enjoyment and challenge, rather than accolade and power this attracts some persons, but not all some are attracted to me for surface-level reasons, like the college student that had a BBC fetish and sought me out for that exact reason some are attracted to me for my ethics, like how I am toward others and seek to help their goals some are attracted for my mind
et al

deciding the person you want to be, and making it clear that you know yourself well and know what you wish the world around you to be, is healthy both for this relation shipseeking and for one's sense of self it is a power of both introspection and a power of people skills

society would only consider you sad for your situation if society universally adhered to the notion that it is somehow a sign of defect that you were as you are - never we mind that "being as you are is reasonable, logical, and not at all a sign of defect if there's no point in the story of your life where you ought have done these things."

I didn't get laid until I was 20, for example, but there was no problem with that fact, because I didn't do it just to "have it be over with", I did it because I wanted it to be a goddamned mindblowing experience for all parties involved hearing the words "too many orgasms" means I succeeded - and I won't lie, yes, I had been doing general research on the topic since I was a preteen, so I did go in very well prepared mentally

a specific portion of society would consider that sad, but that same portion is the sort that never has good sex and honestly probably peaks in high school in my own case, I decided what my values were - that I'd be sex-positive in an ethical sense, almost a sort of an ethical slut, but that I'd do so in a way that hurt no one and everyone enjoyed, and that I'd be damned good in bed while I'm at it
this led directly to me getting my first major relationship "late", to kissing "late", to everything "late" - and it was better for it
it wasn't better for it because of the waiting, but because of the skill in execution some folks find people they click with sooner, some later.

I guess what I can say is that the notion of it being "sad" is flawed if the sadness is based on chronological age
like, I wouldn't consider it sad if someone Aro Ace just plain never got laid, because they're fucking Aro Ace - Aromantic and Asexual.
I'd only consider it regrettable if someone with romantic and sexual capacity wanted to explore that side of themselves, but never found a way to ethically explore it and that'd be because of their own circumstances standing in the way of their fulfillment as a person, in the terms of how they understand what fulfillment for them must be
it'd only be sad the same way, say, some genius who might cure cancer would permanently lack access to an education capable of unlocking their genius b/c capitalism or sad how some who might be excellent parents might permanently lack access to parenting b/c infertility and/or no-right-to-adopt-where-they-live (see: the US and how bigoted it is against non-straight couples)
it's sad in terms of "people should be able to lead fulfilling lives" - not sad because you're 23
so let go of the age stipulation immediately

Tune StarYesterday at 11:19 PM

All of that makes perfect logical sense but still leaves this hollow sensation that I'm missing some fundamental aspect of life. Of not having someone care for me in the same way I want to care for another.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:19 PM

That aspect is "I feel unfulfilled in terms of what I consider fulfillment." Welcome to the same hollowness single people who don't wanna be single all feel, to some degree It's going to leave the hollow sensation because it's context for the hollow sensation, not the cure You already know it's okay to be you in a logical non-judgmental non-keeping-up-with-the-Joneses sense, a reasonable adult "not obsessed with uncritical thinking" sense

You just know you want to explore an aspect of yourself, and haven't had the chance yet (This is the part where I prove, frankly, underneath all of the jokes I make about being delusional in aspirations to royalty, the true Earl is actually amazingly well-adjusted) (playing pretend is FUN but now is real time not pretend time) understanding the hollow sensation is key to properly approaching it

Tune StarYesterday at 11:23 PM

I also apologise of I don't express a point well or take long to reply. I'm sitting in my bed crying and trying not to wake Kira. I've no idea of how to handle my emotions right now. I guess this is the kind of shit that drives people to drink.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:23 PM

Yup, it is at times The thing is are they something that needs "handling"?

Tune StarYesterday at 11:24 PM

I can't function like this.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:24 PM

There is no crime in feeling you would be happy exploring a sexually, romantically, and/or physically intimate change to your current relationship with Kira From what I can tell you two at least try to be earnestly honest with one another and that shows respect and care is mutual, even if not necessarily coming from the same sort of emotional wellspring

Tune StarYesterday at 11:26 PM

Her not reciprocating the romantic aspect is fine. I'm a loony but not so loony as if I feel owed anything from her.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:26 PM

Then you are far ahead of a great many men on our planet, sir.

Tune StarYesterday at 11:26 PM

It doesn't make dealing with the emotioknal fallout any easier I'm afraid.
I'm calming down a bit now.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:27 PM

Oh, but it does, because you have no idea how much worse the emotional fallout would be if you were that monstrous
right now, the only problem is "this has pain", and it is not "I am the direct cause of massive pain, through my unethical statements or actions" there is reason for you to take joy - big joy - not just for Kira's sake, but for yours too - that you are no monster.
all you need to work through in this is "I desire this" and "I kinda wish I didn't feel ditched" which brings me to the second thing about Kira

Tune StarYesterday at 11:29 PM

Part of the reason this has taken so long to come to a head is because I pulled her out of two destructive relationships and a toxic friendship already. I could never bring myself to try and force my emotions out. I have regrets in wondering what might have been had I been open from the start.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:29 PM

You had reasons for not being open, and talking about "what might have been" is fruitless unless you feel you can identify a mistake in the past actions

Tune StarYesterday at 11:30 PM

Hmm. You may be right on that one.
I'll consider that more when my mind is less foggy.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:30 PM

Just because you might not have been open about "you're not just a friend to me, I'd also like to date you, bang you, and/or wife you" doesn't mean that your motives in offering her advice were somehow corrupt now, if the prior relationships and friendships were actually GOOD ones and she wasn't being harmed by them, then your advice to end them would indeed have been manipulative and spoken to corrupt motivations, making you the toxic element in that case, the element that needs to be disconnected from the group but that's not the picture you're painting here as for the holiday ditching did you TELL Kira why you cancelled your family plans before you cancelled them?

Tune StarYesterday at 11:32 PM

I hope to gods I'm never the toxic aspect in her life.
And yes I asked if her if she'd like me to stay.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:32 PM
and she said yes, then ditched you? if so, there's possibility of Kira herself having unintentionally and shortsightedly hurt you
but she may've just not felt COMFORTABLE opening to you about the matters in question however, you yourself weren't comfortable being by yourself during the holiday either

Tune StarYesterday at 11:33 PM

To a degree yes. I don't know how much I actually blame her during that period. I cancelled my plans on the same day she broke up with the guy she was seeing. She was stressed and hurt.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:34 PM

Yes, but you became stressed and hurt when you gave up something important in order to try to be there for her, and felt that you weren't able to even do that (yes, the trip you planned is something important, people don't plan unimportant things, mundane things aren't made unimportant by being mundane)

Tune StarYesterday at 11:36 PM

That sounds about right.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:36 PM

I will say that if being alone on Christmas morning in summertime bugs you, don't hesitate to treat yourself to an enjoyable day out
I will also say that relationships don't work in terms of comparing one person to another I will also say that paranoia about imagined worse-case scenarios is an understandable but fightable feeling when one is down I will also say that you feel abandoned b/c you make arrangements with people to do things, and then they do those things without you but involving each other - the weight loss thing being an example - it may be productive to ask if they remember that you were part of the plan regardless, you felt hurt

Tune StarYesterday at 11:39 PM

Maybe it would have. A little late now 4 months gone.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:40 PM

if you're writing about it now, it's not gone, it's still on your shoulders. there isn't a statute of limitations on "I feel fucked up because I feel I was wronged" there's only a statute of limitations on "do I remember clearly" "do the other parties remember clearly" as for yourself and Kira sharing all the same circles confiding in someone one-on-one is still doable, if you can hold someone to absolute confidence if you don't expect absolute confidence because it involves Kira, then it might be a case of you feeling she's just more important to them than you feel you are to them having a panic attack at work when you have no one to confide in isn't unreasonable. it may in fact be productive to share what you wrote, and what I wrote in reply, with another party

Tune StarYesterday at 11:43 PM

That's certainly something i feel. I frequently feel like Just "Kira's housemate" or just "Kira's friend"

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:43 PM

You being able to admit that can actually help make clear that you kind of wish you felt like "Jackson" to them instead of "Kira's associate" but admitting that is a form of emotional vulnerability, one that many find uncommon

Tune StarYesterday at 11:44 PM

I wish I felt like that to almost anyone irl. If it weren't for havjng the folk here at the org and You and Noah I don't know what state I'd be in right now.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:45 PM

well, it's time to take a risk on being vulnerable with someone irl it may help if it is someone you know both irl and not
I had to tell Gumby to go on ahead with his questing b/c I'm talking to you, in fact, and told him that you and I are working on a private matter of extreme importance so he at least knows you and I are occupied right now, and I told him to give you a hug when next he sees you

Tune StarYesterday at 11:47 PM

Thanks. I don't mean to take away from you gaming time.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:47 PM
and his reply was "I will for sure, always a big fan of seeing Jackson, and he knows it" so you should take solace that there are those who very much appreciate you, you are not incapable of cultivating appreciation and thus there is no reason to consider yourself incapable of receiving appreciation from either this Kira or her associates all you might be doing is making clear you feel a tad underappreciated in a certain respect also, fuck gaming time the only time I truly live for is "help people time"

Tune StarYesterday at 11:49 PM

I know Kira cares for me very much, she sees me as family. But these associates i speak of are people I've met through her. Which is
the primary source of concern.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:50 PM

do you ever see them in contexts where she isn't present?do you have cause to view the bonds with them as something you have sustained beyond her existence?

Tune StarYesterday at 11:50 PM

I have virtually no one in my immediate irl life left that was a friend of Jackson first.

Not outside of chance meetings would I see them. And it's not from lack of trying. I attempted connections.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:51 PM

It may be productive to ask Kira, then, what she views of your capacity to make friendships If all someone sees of you is "they're here to be around Kira and you're just incidentally around", a bond is not strong unless something is shared of your own, like a sincere and important conversation, or something Most of my houseguests are here for the master of the house, who is a friend that took me in from an unhealthy environment but I engage with them earnestly and sincerely, to the point that being around me is one of the features of coming to visit, rather than just an incidental fact It may take a bit of work in the sense of intentionally trying to be a social butterfly of sorts

Tune StarYesterday at 11:55 PM

I have no idea how to do that. I've been completely introverted my whole life. The few friendships i made and tried to maintain from school and work are gone.

Earl.RatliffYesterday at 11:55 PM

Well let me put it to you this way I have often made myself vulnerable online, no? discussing my politics, my story, my ethics, my feelings, my perceptions a great many things about me, right down to this stupid meme that is my profile pic, are all sincere aspects shared What of your true self do you share, do you make vulnerable, irl? with anyone? with kira? with her associates?
do you ask what's goin' on in others' lives, to get them to open up? do you make clear you have an interest in the betterment of their life? sometimes I just ask people to breakfast, because I like breakfast and they might too

Tune StarYesterday at 11:59 PM

I'm not prone to making myself vulnerable often to people I don't know. It would have just been Kira.

How can you just ask people you don't know that kind of stuff? Is it not innapropriate. I try to run mental simulations of that kind of stuff in my head. It always comes our awkward or in rejection. Both just casually or romantically.

I guess I just have no people skills.

Earl.RatliffToday at 12:00 AM

It is also possible that you're trying to become friends with people that lack people skills also, I get a feel for how appropriate it is or isn't by watching their body language and listening very closely to their intonation, word choice, so forth I also keep in mind responsibilities tied to social obligations - for example, I wouldn't ask my boss to breakfast, not necessarily b/c she's my boss, but b/c I don't think she wants to be friends with ANYONE

--------------

As for the OTS closing:
the problem isn't that people might wanna cultivate locals at a different store, necessarily - none of them are obligated to care for the specific providers of a specific venue in and of themselves, they're consumers, not symbiotes 20 mins down the road may very well be too inconvenient for some the thing is they may be uncaring for other more cerebral and sycophantic reasons "this is our chance to cultivate a local at another place b/c this one shop has been dominant" or some such schlock Stefan has revealed through his actions, basically, that his "loyalty to the community" isn't loyalty to community health, it's loyalty to specific people that don't include you

it's okay to wanna make a lot of good, proper locals but he's deliberately siding with folks who seek to be opportunistic
it's alright for you to express surprise and betrayal at this but what wouldn't be alright would be attempting to try to win any of them back rather, it's time for you to look into finding someone to talk to about the problems the entire AUS region has with this set of issues namely, if shit wouldn't fly in Earl's house (USA), it oughtn't anywhere and the fact that people value it flying other places - value an aversion to the ruleset - speaks ill to their choices and to all who enable them.

it has been said AUS has a problem in the sense that a KDE employee might just be letting this shit go on, the dude whoever's in charge of your region if so, make friends in EU and make the issue stark get the dude fired if you must but the needs of the region outweigh the needs of the region's reprehensible persons
that said saying "fuck off, there wouldn't be a community without me and kira and the store"
was a mistake on your part that undersells the importance of paying customers and oversells the importance of three important elements what you're fighting over isn't "community vs. none", it's "this community can either be quality or trashy" to be abrupt about it, I don't think Matt Bell or any of his coworkers would take well to hearing "I'm only appreciated at Regionals and higher because Locals in AUS refuse to do things by the rules". they'd want to fix it if it were in their power. but that's what your story is quickly becoming you're becoming "the judge your locals don't want, because you do shit right, and they don't actually like the game as it actually works" I recommend that you just choose to figure out directly which locals have an interest in doing shit by-the-book, and support those ones exclusively

Tune StarToday at 12:13 AM

At this stage this might just be the last straw and I stop caring about anything below YCS and Oceanics in Aus.

Earl.RatliffToday at 12:13 AM

or it could be a worthwhile non-last straw because YCS and Oceanics are few and far between, and judging is enjoyable at the local level when you're properly empowered

Tune StarToday at 12:14 AM

This will be the 3rd time a locals/TO/community has abandoned me because of by the books.

Earl.RatliffToday at 12:14 AM

and have you ever made a point to intentionally make friends with people in power who can take the matter seriously?
there ARE people who can pressure these places
and the company wants them to do it

Tune StarToday at 12:15 AM

Those people would need to be literally Kde-eu employees.

Earl.RatliffToday at 12:15 AM

stop letting your attachment to ygo and judging be "for the sake of the players" when the players are bad people
you're here for good people, and bad people can burn hell, you're the AGENT of making them burn. there are three priorities at any event: safety first, fairness second, enjoyability third and if people can't enjoy a safe or fair event b/c they're a bad person, the event is DESIGNED to fuck them it doesn't even require us to have bloodthirst, it's just designed to fuck them and it is because we presume the countless hordes of hypercasual normal players, the kids, are inherently good, that we can say "the needs of the many (the good kids) outweigh the needs of the few or the one (the bad kids)" if this leaves a local with one good kid, that sucks on the local level but is good on the overall level ygo has no problem being inhospitable to bad people as a franchise, and being a proper agent of ygo means choosing to be inhospitable to those that merit it, until they cease meriting it, it isn't just a cardselling enterprise
and yes, they would need to be KDE-EU employees. Matt Bell is one such employee.

There is zero harm in explaining the issue and soliciting guidance on how to resolve it, even if the resolution is "let ygo die in your local area for a bit" so go, solicit KDE-EU guidance.

I could even ask Matt myself if he could offer you guidance.
-------------
as for University and Fitness fitness is humbling
it always will beyour parents thinking you're doing alright is a mistake that you let happen
you are indeed doing alright in the sense that food, clothing, and shelter are maintained, but you feeling emotional distress is something they can care for, too it is logical for uni to be the most important priority in your life right now apart from subsistence
your life is not falling apart until the point where food, clothing, and shelter are at risk of losing maintenance
I would advise aggressively seeking a job on campus that fits with your class schedule, and gauging how much downtime you need in terms of days off school is something you need to consider as "a form of employment", complete with taking it as seriously as one ought take a job and it is wiser to drink iced coffee than whiskey.
I believe that covers the entire document.

Tune StarToday at 12:26 AM

I think it does.

Earl.RatliffToday at 12:27 AM

I will ask a favor consider sharing all this with someone who knows you both in person and online
not just your document but also my replies you can pastebin it if you wish
you might find soemone that can improve on what I've said, or offer an alternative perspective
or if they feel I'm on-target, they can say so

Tune StarToday at 12:28 AM

You've gone above and beyond what I could have ever expected from you. Sincerely thank you. I swear I plan on taking your advice as best I can. I will try to think of someone I'd be willing to share all this with. It could be a very useful exercise.

Right now I need to sleep and internalize most of this.