12 oz Mouse script: S2E03_BoogerHaze

Episode 10: "Booger Haze"
tran: sleep_maps


ext. mountains.  spider is dragging roostre to his lair.

ROOSTRE: nice, nice cave man uh...what is this a, a cave?  oh it is a cave.  so i guess we're going inside this cave.  *echoes through cave*  don't you ever say anything?

fitz, new guy, skillet, and liquor are watching the two eyes.

EYE 1: look at what eye can do.  *starts tapdancing*
EYE 2: eye do that all the t-eye-me *starts tapdancing*

the two eyes begin to tapdance.  int. liquor store.  peanut cop is trying to shoot the hand, which is running free in the store.  golden joe is standing on the bar.

GOLDEN JOE: woo-yah.  that's how you break somebody off right there.  that sucker sure can run.  did you nail his ass?
PEANUT: no.  *laughs*  no one outruns my bullets man.  they're...fast!  *lifts gun up*
GOLDEN JOE: i don't know what you're talkin about man, cuz he done outrun your bullets.  he outran them like yesterday man.
PEANUT: like whew *shoots gun again laughing*
GOLDEN JOE: damn dude.
PEANUT: come on man, look at em, they're fast.  *shoots gun off laughing*
GOLDEN JOE: man you sure can squeeze the trigger man.
PEANUT: dude...that is a hand, that is a fast hand.

hand jumps on golden joe, golden joe starts running around.

GOLDEN JOE: nah wait, step off man, step off.  get off, get off me, go go go.
PEANUT: stop it, stop, stop moving around.  *aims gun*  just stay still dude
GOLDEN JOE: naw shorty.
PEANUT: you're all over the place.
GOLDEN JOE: you're gonna blow my damn head off.
PEANUT: oh wait, no i know.  so, wait, so...don't stay still, move around cuz...i got this *falls over still aiming gun*
GOLDEN JOE: no you don't.  you straight up lyin.

liquor runs in, grabs the hand, puts it under a jar.

GOLDEN JOE: thank you dawg.  that's exactly what i need, a shot of this petron right here.  *takes a drink* ah...

a laser is aimed at liquor's head.  fitz is holding the gun

FITZ: what is that?
LIQUOR: ...it's a hand.
LIQUOR/FITZ: no way.

fitz jumps behind the counter, slowly starts to look at the hand, which is frantically jumping around.

FITZ: i wonder uh...whose hand it could be.

light flashes, return to ext. mountains, roostre is tied up in a chair.  spider pushes a piano over.

ROOSTRE: wow man.  now this is a nice chair.  this ain't no nagalhyde, this is a real leather chair.

spider pushes a stand over to the piano, sits down and begins to play.

ROOSTRE: man what the hell you playin man, is that old booger haze?

spider screams and slams dischordant piano chords.

ROOSTRE: hey man, don't get pissed.  i'm just sayin, it sounded remotely like booger haze.

spider starts playing again, a more dischordant melody, notes start appearing above the piano and flying out into the night.  they tear a corndog apart in the fields.  int shark's car.

SHARK: you know.... this town really pisses me off.
RBM: i know.  it pisses me off too.
SHARK: there's not one person in here who will race me.  and that is sure to piss off the guy who owns the fastest car in the west.  or the east.  doesn't matter.
RBM: honestly, no one cares about your poor little car.... it's also so boring.
SHARK: well... *he hits a button that blows up a building* ... they better start caring... *hits it several times in a row* ... cuz i care about it alot.  you dig?
RBM: oh i dig.  and i know that you dig what you dig.  but i hope he digs what you dig.  he's watching you know.
SHARK: then watch on my brother.  watch as the black shark turns it all the way up.

the clock appears over several buildings blowing up, loudly ticking.  int liquor's store.  the hand in the jar is sitting on top of fitz, who is drinking.

FITZ: something's telling me this hand knows more than it's telling me.  this hand is up to somethin.  *takes another drink*  it knows some stuff...and it won't tell us.
GOLDEN JOE: for real tho man, i think it's trying to straight up trip.  i think it's trying to hamburger it's way into eatin us a hot dog or somethin homie.  cuz i had a hot dog in my day man.  boy dem franks, whoo!
FITZ: mmm...no...not that.

EYE 1: that's the hand that cut off m-eye leg.
EYE 2: no...that's the hand that cut off m-eye leg.
EYE 1: no, m-eye leg.
EYE 2: no, m-eye leg.
FITZ: i have an idea that involes skillet and i...leaving.
EYE 1: no, m-eye leg.
EYE 2: no, m-eye leg.
EYE 1: i'm sure it was m-eye leg.
LIQUOR: what do you want us to do?
EYE 2: no, m-eye leg.
FITZ: um...stuff.  just do some stuff.  we'll be back
LIQUOR: but where are you going?
FITZ: where are you going?  where haven't we ever been?

fitz and skillet leave.

GOLDEN JOE: you just gonna let him leave like that?  and leave us here with a broken hand to get us killed?  man, how you gonna do me like that?  playa my, my head hurts.  every time i damn turn around it's either a eyeball or a hand or somethin, always goin wrong up in here.  what the hell am i doing in here?  i'm all tired man, i'm tired of this sh**, this sh** get me all sh** in my head.
LIQUOR: you are so mean when you're drunk.

int. shark's car.  woman appears outside of window.

WOMAN: how much did it cost the car?  is this your car cuz it's neat.  what kind of car is this?  that's a neat car.   how much it cost?  where'd you get this car?  how much did this car cost?  how much did this car cost?  *shark rolls down window*  how much did it cost the car?  is this your car cuz it's neat.  what kind of car is this?  that's a neat car.   where'd you get this car?  how much did this car cost?  how much did this car cost?  how much did it cost the car?  is this your car cuz it's neat.  *shark rolls up window* what kind of car is this?  that's a neat car.   where'd you get this car?  how much did this car cost?  how much, how much did this car cost?  what kind of car is this?  how much did it cost the car?  is this your car cuz it's neat.
RBM: *sigh* ... that bitch knows too much.
woman: what kind of car is this?
SHARK: get in.

int shark's car, woman sitting in back.

WOMAN: what song is this, did you download it?  where'd you get it, where'd you get this song?  where'd you buy it?  can you burn it for me?  can you burn me this song?  will you burn this song for me?  where are we going?  what song is this, what song is it, are we there yet?  are we there? are we there? are we there?

ext. gas station, skillet is filling up the jet-board.  fitz breaks out of the gas station window.  his guns goes off and blows up the gas pump.  skillet starts squeaking as the gas nozzle catches fire.  fitz throws down a case of beer.

FITZ: this was free.  somehow this was free.  and the gas is free too.
SKILLET: *squeaks*
FITZ: guy in a coma.

the pair speed away on the jet board as the gas station blows up.  int. shark's car.

WOMAN: i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee.
SHARK: where's little mighty mouse going?
WOMAN: i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee, i said i have to pee.
RBM: oh, i don't know.
WOMAN: i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee.
RBM: why don't you put this car, this poor boring little car in gear and chase him.
WOMAN: i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to go to the bathroom, i said i have to pee.
SHARK: it's in the gear.  it only has one.
WOMAN: i gotta pee, i gotta go to the bathroom, i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee, i said i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to pee, i said i have to pee.

woman blows up in the back, splits in half.

RBM: ooh...what happened?  i guess now you have a more serious problem than having to pee.

WOMAN 1: that wasn't nice, that wasn't nice, that wasn't nice, that wasn't nice, that wasn't nice.
WOMAN 2: *simultaneously* that wasn't nice, that wasn't nice, that wasn't nice, you can't kill me.

ext. roostre's house, fitz approaches, holding a beer.

FITZ: hmm, i guess roostre's still at that party.

skillet starts squeaking, fitz goes over to him and sees the bloody, split corndog.

FITZ: oh, you hear that?
SKILLET: *squeaking in alarm*
FITZ: shhh, listen.

music notes start swirling overhead.

FITZ: load up.

fitz and skillet pull out and cock their guns.  they shoot at the notes.

FITZ: into the shed.

int. roostre's house.  fitz and skillet shoot through the walls at the music notes, who are approaching the shed.

SKILLET: *squeaks*
FITZ: what?  they, they're gone, they're not there anymore.  oh shee...

the notes reform and attack the house again.

SKILLET: *squeaks, finding a trap door into the basement*
FITZ: oh.  good find.

matrix style shots are fired as fitz dives backwards into the basement.  the notes explode in a bloody mess.

FITZ: now what do we do.
SKILLET: *squeaks*, hits a light switch, a basement full of guns, ammo, and bombs appear*
FITZ: holy shee.  damn roostre.

ext mountains, distorted voice is heard before roostre is seen.

ROOSTRE: "i know you."

end

"change your oil every 3000 miles, EVERY 3000 MILES!"

post credits: double-voice woman: you can't kill me.