Work

I'm been working for 4 years straight and I can't really recall since I started when I was actually happy for a significant period of time, such as even longer than an afternoon, much less a week or more. after I came home from work everyday i would be just plain exhausted from the physical labor and the mental stress of dealing with people and responsibilities that i couldn't really enjoy anything. long ago before I that I was messing around taking a class or two at community college and playing video games 10 hours a day with the occasional anime ep here and there.

I think I was slightly happier back then, maybe but I'm not sure. I know that I was never as depressed as when I was employed, the worst of it was maybe a year or so ago when I would think about killing myself everyday. and it was serious, not just idle thoughts, as in a few times I would be holding a gun in my hand but far more often I would fantasize about crashing head on into a big rig on my way to work just so i wouldn't have to be there. I don't feel as bad as I did back then but I'm certainly not happy either, I just feel sort of a nothingness mostly.

I do get absolutely despondent on sunday nights because I know I have to go back the next morning, I cant keep a decent sleep schedule if my life depended on it either, sometimes I'll be so tired and want to take a nap after I come home but I sleep thru my alarm and wake up 8 hours later around midnight or something. weekends would throw it off more, I'd oversleep and find myself waking up at 5pm with no hope to get readjusted for the following week. I'm leaving my job eventually but I'm terrified that I simply wont be happier even with more free time.