Thread 69: Stories 31-45

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>Chitania
"Sunset"
'Prostimare'
~~~~~

"NGGHHHHH!"

>Will you stop? That light is making it hard to read.

"NGGGHHHHHHHH!"

'Wow, she's goin' all out right now! Shoo, wish I was'a unicorn, paying my light bill would be a breeze!... If I had a home, that is.'

>Speaking of, shouldn't you be worried you're going to lose your... what, apartment?

'Nahhhh, I sleep in motels!'

>...

'...Yes. Whatever you're thinking, yes.'

>Noted.

"NGGHHHHHHHH!"

>WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT!

"NO! I have to know this now! I have to know how you supersize!"

'Why?'

>Don't encourage her to monologue. LEAVE!

"No! This is one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs OF ALL TIME! You shrunk down a breathing, LIVING pony inside of you, you kept him alive inside of you for an extended period of time, and then he emerged, unharmed! Despite the fact you were EXPLODED WITH A ROBOT!"

'And buried in lava!'

>...

'I just thought that was cool...'

"See!? Do you have ANY idea of the scientific applications!? We could literally, and just in case you don't know what that means literally means not metaphorically, LITERALLY store an entire town in the case of an emergency, and ferry them to safety! Wide scale travel for massive amounts is now a breeze! Medical transportation is now easy as pie! It was one thing when I thought you were just growing bigger, that's not impressive, we have growing spells around here somewhere-"

>And yet, nobody tried to fight me with one.

"-but for you to have the inherent magic to, COMPLETELY SUBCONSCIOUSLY AND ACCIDENTALLY, shrink down someone who is ALIVE, inside of you, and then just pop him right back up without a single negative side effect... that's a whole other level! That's magic WE struggle with to make safe! That's magic we've just barely glimpsed and take massive amounts of magic and insane levels of control, and yet you pulled it off! YOU! I'm going to be blunt, if you were a unicorn YOU COULD NOT MAKE PUDDING!"

>...I don't like pudding.

'Me either.'

"NOT THE POINT! You are holding back SCIENCE! MASSIVE SCIENCE!"

>...

"..."

>...

"...Well!?"

>What do I get out of it?

"...WHAT!?"

>You heard me. Even if I gave you my shrinking magic-

"IT'S A SEPARATE KIND OF MAGIC ENTIRELY!?"

>...We'll get to that in a bit. Point is, let's assume I gave you the secret to my magic, let's assume you now know how it works. What do I get out of it?

"Oh for the love of... I WILL PAY YOU SO MUCH! I will fucking break Equestria's economy here, I'm not even joking, if that's what you want!"

>I don't, I have plenty stored up. Turns out, the one thing crime lords are good at is getting rich. They're not so good at stopping me, though. Money is not an issue for me.

"Well... fine! I'll give you some land or something!"

>The fuck would I need land for? Am I going to grow crops? Settle down and raise a family?

'Ooooo~ yeah... get a big old shiny house... little fence... adopt a kid who's name is Twinkle, cause I like Twinkle. Twinkle's a fun name... get a rocking chair and watch the sunset...'

>...

'...I mean, that's dumb?'

>Right... so, land, not needed.

"Fine! Then I'll... help you in your quest! I'll help you with multidimensional travel to higher plains of existence! I would probably have done that anyway!"

>I do not need, nor want, your help, since I just assume you'd backstab me regardless.

"FINE! Then-"

>Let's end this a bit quick. I do not need food, I do not need political influence, I do not need weapons, and I most certainly do not need the magic of friendship.

"..."

>But you know what? I'll give you a chance. If I did this, if I actually advanced Equestria, do you think ponies would finally stop fearing me, and accept me? Do you think they would want to be my friends? Tell me.

"...Yes. You'd be totally accepted if you did this."

>...

'...Wow, even Slippy wouldn't buy' that one, honey, and she'd buy a bridge in Mexicolt.'

>I do not even need my changeling skills to see that's bullshit.

"FINE! You know what, FINE! Don't help MILLIONS of ponies live better lives right now! I'll figure it out!"

>Not from me, you won't.

"...Everyone has a price, Chitania. Everyone has something they want, truly want more than anything, that they will give ANYTHING for. I'm going to find your golden ticket, Titan, and when I do, you will BEG ME to hear your magic for it! COUNT ON IT!"

With a huff, she hopped down from her chair, and started to stomp off.

>Fucking finally-

"And that book's outdated! It doesn't even describe mitochondrial bonds properly, the science has completely changed!"

Chitania froze, her eyes going wide and her lip curling back as her gaze darted to the book. More specifically, the cover that said "Gods and Legends, a comprehensive guide."

'...What's that word mean?'

>Do not worry about it.

'Ain't this all... magic and spiritual? What's science gotta do with it?'

>I said do not worry about it.

'...Can I have some more bits for-'

Wordlessly, she dropped a pile of them on the table.

'WOO! Gonna get me some crispers!'

>...Buy me popcorn.

'Anything you want, Sugar Bean!'

Silently, Chitania put the book down, and picked up another one.

>... And never call me that again.

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>Chrysalis
"Cadence"
'42'
[18]
~~~

>Oooooo~, pretty jacuzzi, I missed you so.

"For, what, the day since you haven't used it? I wish my Jacuzzi didn't get overtaken all the time."

'Oh, my apologies, I will get out-'

"You're fine, fatass over here isn't."

>Mmmm, don't be jealous.

[She's not, it's called 'annoyance'.]

>Funny way to say 'wish you were me'.

"That one doesn't even make sense!"

>Ladies, ladies, ganging up on me is not the answer. Clearly, we need to instead gang up on Sh-

["NO!']

>What, don't think he could handle us?

"Shiny could so!... I think."

[...You think?]

'Uhhh-'

"Well, I mean... I don't know! We've obviously never done it with someone else, CLEARLY!"

>...Admittedly I wouldn't think so based on previous events.

[You zombied him!]

>Details. Still, I feel, in the name of science, that we should-

"No!"

>Do you really want to go your whole life, never knowing if he could?

"...YES! I would be fine with the knowledge he could only handle one at a time!"

>But would you really?

"YES!"

>Really? I think no.

"YES!"
>No.
"YES!"
>No.
"YES!"
>No.
"YES!"
>No.
"YES!"
>No.
"YES!"
>Yes
"NO!"
>Yes
"NO!"
>Yes!
"NO I SAID AND THAT IS FINAL! I'M NOT HAPPY WITH NOT KNOWING AND NEED TO KNOW RIGHT..............WAIT A MINUTE!"

>HAH!

'...Could you clarify now-'

"NO!"

[No as in previous question, or-]

"NO MEANS NO!"

>...But what does it mean in this context-

"SHAMPOO ATTACK!"

>MY EYES!

[WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE OF!? ACID!? IT FEELS LIKE ACID! AHHHHHHH!]

>OH DEAR HIVEMIND IT STINGS SO MUCH! AHHHHHH!

'...You uh... you didn't spray me.'

"You're fine."

'...T-thanks...'

>[EUAGHHHHHHHHH!]

"...no."

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>Sombra
"Train pony"
'Twilight'
~~~~

>One for the Crystal Empire, stat!

"Que?"

>The Empire!

"Que?"

>THE EMPIRE!

"Que?"

>THE GIANT CRYSTAL PLACE!

"Que?"

>GIANT CRYSTAL KINGDOM! PONIES THERE LITERALLY SPARKLE IN THE LIGHT! GONE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS! THEIR TRAINS LOOK!... Well, normal for Equestia, actually, just sparkly. This is a very pastel world.

"...Que?"

>THE CRYSTAL FUCKING EMPIRE YOU-

'SOMBRA!'

>WHAT!?

'He's saying Que!'

>...WHAT?!

'Que! The Maretonian word for FAST! He's asking if you want first class!'

>...Que doesn't mean 'what'?

'What made you think that!?'

>I think that's how you say what in Mexicolt.

'Does he look mexicolt to you!?'

>...

'...'

"...Wow."

>A-a-hem... seven tickets, please?

"..."

>...I'll just... I'll just let Twilight handle this one.

'Good call.'

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>Chrysalis
"7"
~~~

It had only been with great reluctance that she looked in on her spy. She had been purposefully avoiding it for what seemed like the longest time. The reasons, she knew perfectly well, were rooted in her plans to 'deal' with the rouge 29. This one was not going to have her bombastic, explosive punishments, no. He had deliberately and purposefully done something that made her blood positively boil, and she was not going to stand for it. There would be no public works, no open retaliation, no. She had other means of making him... regret his choices, and she was going to use every single one of them.

But, of course, she knew perfectly well that Seven, prideful little thing he was, would no doubt want in on this, and that simply was not an option. This required tact, subterfuge, laying low under the radar entirely and not being drawn into fights. Skills that, frankly, Seven had not shown a propensity for recently. Which was odd, he was normally quite good at them, but it seemed his competitions with Jetset had resulted in him picking up some bad habits from the likewise quite poorly concealed agent.

No matter, she could remind him what it meant to be a creature of the shadow later, after he had recovered from Applejack's blows naturally. No need to pump in power into his cells, he would return this way normally, in time.

...Or at least, that's what the plan had been.

Sadly, like most of her plans, this one fell apart right at the end.

"Majesty."

He bowed quite respectfully, a hint of a grin on his face, as if he was proud he had managed to get back on his hooves all on his own.

>...How are you repaired?

She was careful in her tone, making sure to keep out all suspicion, lest she give away her real feelings right away.

"Your rival, the white princess, decided to repair me for her own reasons. What they are, I was unable to gleam, she is rather vague."


>Yes, she does that sometimes. Did you wait to show me?

"No, Majesty, of course not. I was merely ensuring the repairs were to satisfaction for yourself before informing you of my new state and being placed back in the field."

>You assume I have an assignment for you now.

"I did not mean to be presumptuous, majesty, but in regards to the recently discovered betrayal-"

>I am dealing with that in another means, one that will be more... satisfactory, for me personally.

"...oh?"

>Are you questioning me?

"Of course not, my Queen! I merely wished to make it known my defeat had not dissuaded me from seeking vengeance for your honor."

>Good. Very good. To tell the truth, I have no mission for you at the moment. In truth, I would like you to return to that little game you and Jetset were playing, it was most amusing.

"...Majesty? You mean... the mission to steal her hair?"

>Yes, that was quite fun for me. Return to that, immediately.

"...You have no others? We have recently been dealt a large upheaval, do you not wish me to gather intelligence in case it should escalate further?"

>No, I do not.

"...Oh."

>You seem to have more questions.

"Forgive me, but while speaking, my mind traveled to... the other traitor."

>Oh? Who?

"...F-...Forty One, your majesty?"

>Oh, HAH! I forgot, you missed all of that. Oh, how hilarious. No, dear Seven, she is not a traitor.

"...W-...what? But Majesty, I saw her first-hoof, I saw her regret, whatever lies she told you-"

>Seven!

"..."

>I said, she is not a traitor. Her betrayal was manufactured, a falsehood. All of this was part of a larger scheme regarding my taking command of the Equestrian Guard. That fell apart due to... other influences, so I recalled her from that mission, quite visibly.

"Oh... O-oh! Oh, I see! So you-"

>Mind controlled her, forced her to betray me in order to save the life of a guard, specifically, left her alone for a month to visibly shake in her boots in front of them so they all knew exactly what she had given up for one of her own, and then struck when it would have the most impact, and use it to gauge whether or not to move onto phase three. Sadly, phase two was a complete wash, and the mission was scrapped. Not a damned one of them even tried to save her, not a one. Pathetic little worms... so, with that done, I merely recalled her and placed her back in the hive. Nothing gained, nothing lost, I'm afraid.

"...Oh. That is... rather complicated, I wish you had let me in on it, I could have pushed it further-"

>I did not need you for this mission, thank you. This proceeded as I wished it to, and the failure was something I knew was a possibility.

"Oh... oh."

>...is there an issue?

"No, no of course not, your will is tantamount to any plot."

>You'd better believe it.

"...And you are sure you do not require my assistance with-"

>Seven.

One word, and his jaw snapped shut.

>Good. Go back and resume the competition, I am in need of a bit of laughter in these times.

"...Of course, your Majesty."

With a flourish, she turned around to leave.

Alone, he remained in the same spot, still bowed, still in his same position... still bubbling over with confusion, and worry.

Something didn't seem right, about any of this. Something was... off. Off about everything.

He spared one glance, just one little glance, to the hair Celestia had left behind, to the one he had swiped completely without meaning to. His mission, technically, was over.

...But perhaps... he could go just a bit further, just for a bit longer. Go over there, to Canterlot...

She said she needed a bit of a laugh, after all, and he lived to serve...

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Discord"
~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter and-

"AHAHAHAHA Ohohohoho! Did you see that? I knew it! Not only did Spike fail. He failed twice in 2 different stories. Oh, the fallout was glorious! All that planning crumbled! Ahahaha, I knew Spike couldn't do it. If only DT took my wager, she would have been an excellent spawn of chaos next to Fluttershy. They ripped that anon to shreds! Do you think he cried? Oh I hope he cried. Just look at that poll. He was destined to fail. To rub it in even more, Spike got introduced into the adult world. That was such a cherry on top! If I play my cards right maybe I can get them to argue every time DT's name gets brought up. Oh, that'd be fun. They can be so easy sometimes. Don't you think?"

>He tried.

"Tried and failed miserably"

>Leave it alone Discord.

"But whyyyy? This has been such a good source of chaos! If we're lucky. We might get to see DT break."

>She's not going to break.

"What makes you think that?"

>I just trust the writers.

"I wouldn't trust them to even give me a canon scene."

>Be patient. They'll fix this.

"Oh, you mean like give up on Canterlot Chrysalis, or useless band aid fix Cadence? I'm sure DT will be a fine result of their...'fixes.' They know how to make things bleak, but when are they actually going to make things better?"

>They'll get there eventually.

"Both your pink friends aren't doing so good and OCs are squeezing you out. Down to Earth guy that's not not funny without another foil? They made another Applejack to fix things! Face it, Pinkie, your writers the real joke."

She sighs
>Anon, your story didn't go well, but learn from your mistakes and don't give up. Don't ever give up. Take the input and do better. This has been a different episode of Not Late Night Pinkie, but take care.

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>10
{BBB}
~~~~

>Okay! So! Slight setback, TIIIINNNY setback, we're just tiny and scooched, is what we are. NOT OUT! Nope, not out at all! Just a liiiiitttle... scooched. Scooched is the word I am looking for, right BBB?

{BZZT!... Affirmitive!}

>See that? That's why you make the big bucks. So! Yes, as it turns out, our recent interviews around Canterlot regarding our... a-hem, move, have involved a lot of laughing and way more hip thrusting and rude gestures than I think should be legal in a place with kids, and I present the evidence of how many of said kids joined in for my point, but no worries! We, that's me and you, are still gonna publish these interviews! Even if the majority of them could be summed up with 'good riddance', just so that Equestria gets to see how Canterlot feels! This is important.

{...BZZT! Sadness levels detected.}

>Dunno what you mean, BBB! I'm just glad they're telling it like it is!... Not how I want it to be...

{...BZZT! Hunger detected.}

>Huh? I'm not hungry.

{DETECTION IS FAULTLESS!}

>...G... gonna disagree on that, being honest cause you're my friend here.

{RETRIEVING!}

>Retrieving wha-... oh.

{ICE CREAM HOLDS NUTRIENTS AND HAS BEEN KNOWN TO REDUCE FEELINGS OF HUNGER. ALSO, CONE IS DETECTED TO BE STABLE AND... MOSTLY EDIBLE! ICE CREAM IS GOOD FOR HUNGER!}

>...h-...heh, yeah, I think it does. It does that, right? Dunno if the doctors think that many chocolate sprinkles are healthy, though.

{THE CHOCOLATE SWIRL IS NOT NECESSARY... TECHNICALLY!}

>...Thanks, BBB. Best camerapony right here! That's my guy, always... always looking out for me.

{...BZZT! ICE CREAM IS MELTING IN GRIP!}

>Ahhh, s'okay... it ain't gotta be perfect to love it. Sometimes it's just gotta be there when you need it.

{...BZZT! AFFIRMATIVE.}

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It's April Fool's Day.
Non-Canon
>DT
"Silver"
~~~~~
>Heheheh, it's almost ready.

"What are you doing?"

>I've been shaking this bottle of soda for the last 5 hours. Spike always grabs a bottle of soda in the club fridge around lunch time. When he opens it up. It's going to explode.

"Sounds messy...and a little lame. Did you wake up early in the morning to do this? It's about as bad as the time you unscrewed the salt shaker probably."

>Shut up. It's going to be funny. Spike's going to get here any minute. When he opens it we're going to yell April fools. Now hide.

They both hide behind a couch as Spike enters to open up the fridge.

>...yes.
He looks around in the fridge.

>Yeeees...
He grabs the bottle and begins to open it.

>"April Foo-"
BOOOM! The room explodes in soda. From the outside, the force blows the window.

~At the hospital~
The 3 of them are in bed covered in casts and bandages.

>...You know that played out differently in my head.

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NC

>Celestia
“???”
~~~~

>Hm? Oh, what’s this, a law in need of a joint signature? Why on Equestria for? Let’s see here… ‘We, the Mare of Night, doth wish to banish all cake comestibles within Canterlot from herewith until our rear-end doth reach a less ginormous size.’ Well this is odd… why would Luna want to do something as crazy as... OH! Oh, I see! Today is the day of pranks! My, how time flies when you’re dealing with a changeling exodus and such things… Why not have a little fun?

With nary a thought and a giggle, Celestia signed the paper, instantly zapping it away with her magic to the magistrate office.

As the minutes ticked by and as the humor from her earlier silliness began to fade, Celestia glanced out the window.

And her jaw quite literally crashed through the table at the sight of an armada of pegasi absconding into the air, each of them laden with cakes of all sizes and decoration.

>What. The. Fuck? LUUUUUNAAAAAAA!

A far fiercer yell met her own and the called sister of the night zoomed past the window, struggling to knock aside the dutiful pegasi hoisting away her favorite moonpies.

“Sister you fool! 'Twas a joke! A JOKE WE SAY!"

>I thought it WAS a joke! That's the only reason I signed it!

"HOW IS IT THE FIRST TIME WE GO TO WRITE A FAKE LAW WE DRAFT A REAL ONE?! HOW TWISTED ARE THEE MOTHER?!"

>STOP THAT ONE HE HAS MY SOLAR CRUMBLES!

And Celestia burst through the window as she'd done numerous times in the past, this time taking flight instead of plummeting.

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NC
>Cadence
“18”
‘???’
~~~~

>Ooooo, Eiiiighteeeeen~!

“Oh killllll meeeee….”

>Wow. Just... wow. Sounds like someone has a case of the poor me’s….

“More like a case of the ‘fuck me’s’. Hard. With a spiked dick.”

>…Pretty.

“My ass hurts from sitting on this chair all day… I swear I hate April Fool’s day. All the fake calls and complaints and meetings and messages and invoices, my daily workload is practically tripled with all the time it takes to sort the real from the shit!”

>Well… don’t worry about it!

The twitch of 18’s right eye was noticeable.

“Don’t… worry about it? Did you really just say that with a smile?”

The real pink alicorn couldn’t help but continue smiling as she placed a document of her own before the stressed bugling.

>Yup, because check this out!

“Oh dear Hivemind, is this something from you?”

It might have been a bomb set to go off by how 18 reached for it.

Then, as she began to read, her eyes began to widen word over word.

“Wh-what is this?”

>Wellllll, after much thinking, I realized that it’s still highly selfish of me to only give you partial privileges with Shiny. If we're going to try this, we might as well go all the way, right? So with that in mind... I got this wedding certificate sanctioned! Check it!

“No way….”

>Yes way! All you have to do is sign it and Shiny’ll be the proud husband of not one, but TWO gorgeous mares!

18 was signing before Cadence could finish, the movements used to sign her numerical name forceful enough to kick up a wind.

“DONE AND DONE! Where's my stallion at? I've got an itch that only something thick and long can scratch damn it!”

>Pft... PAHAHAHAHAHAHA APRIL FOOLS! GOT YOU, 18!"

“…Huh? G-got me? Got me how?”

>That certificate isn’t real, it’s a prank!

“…Oh. Whew! Haaaa, wow, for a second there, you had me thinking there was something wrong with Shiny’s love-tube. No, Caddy, this certificate? Very much real.”

>To quote Chrysalis, HA! Course it’s fake! Wanna know how I know? Because I asked Chrysalis to help me prank you, silly!

“Well, to re-quote Chrysalis, HA HA! This was all an elaborate ruse to get you to think this was a fake wedding certificate when what Chrysalis did was, in fact, trick you into making a real one.”

>…Wait. S-so you m-mean….

“Yup! I am now the proud co-wife of Shining Armor, the king the Crystal Empire.”

>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“Thanks, Chrysalis.”

From outside the room, the Queen waved an appreciative hoof.

‘No prob, it’s where I excel at apparently. Getting bills signed. Shit, I should become a damned politician.’

>OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“You’d get my vote for sure.”

>OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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Dear Comrade Editor,

This is Trenderhoof. I was very very wrong about Stalliongrad. Everything is fine. Everything is finer than fine. The Bullshevicks are peaceful and loving rulers of a legitimate and benevolent government.

The Hooviets are terrorists that brainwashed me into believing their horrible deceits, but now I see clearly.

There will be no more letters or articles as I have embraced the wonderful culture of Stalliongrad.

Goodbye Forever,

Trenderhoof

~~~~~~

"HA! You see, Private? I am a born writer!"

"Da, Sergeant, the penmanship is impeccable."

"MMPH! MMMMHMHMMMPH!"

"He's awake."

"I'll take care of him, Sergeant, send the letter."

"MMMMPH! MMMMMHHMMMPH!"

THWACK!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Editor's note: There's 2 diverging, alternate paths this scene took, based on the previous 2 about Pommel and Spike.

Path 1
>Pommel
“Spike”
~~~

He was going to come back.

...No, scratch that, Pommel sincerely hoped he came back. He was eager for him to come back. He was praying for this guy to come back and see him. He was downright impatient, that's what he was.

It was, simply put, satisfying when he heard that door slam open, and it was only compounded by every step of scaled hooves.

“...You asshole.”

>Captain, Spike. It is spelled C A P T A I N.

He slammed a piece of paper down in front of him. It was, of course, not necessary for him to look.

“You banned me from the guard.”

>Yuh huh.

“You banned DT from the guard.”

>Did.

“And you got it signed behind my back!?”

>Walked right up to Celestia and signed it on the spot. In effect as of... now.

“You LIED TO ME. You said you were okay with the robots!”

>Doesn't feel too good when someone lies to your face, does it?

“...just what does that mean?”

Pointedly, he levitated a massive folder between him and the dragon, and plopped it down. Hard.

>You know, I didn't take you for the type to take advantage of the fact I've been away for so long. You didn't seem like the dick type. So when you came at me and started blitzkrieging all these facts, I didn't really question them. I figured, hey, you knew what you were talking about, you seemed on the up and up... not gonna lie, felt kind of bad when I realized half of what you said was pure bullshit.

“It is not-”

>Point one, you are not, nor ever have been 'guest instructor'. Apparently, your one side stint was training them to use battle-saddles, a weapon that has never seen use in any capacity, and this was under Twilight as she tried to re-arm the guards. That's not an official instructor.

“I-”

>Oh, and apparently, you're going to love this, apparently Diamond Tiara isn't either, and has no chance of ever being an official anything! In fact, PRINCESS APPLEJACK HERSELF, decided that she wasn't allowed near ANYTHING regarding the military after kicking her off the A-team! News to me, didn't know she had been disbarred, and it probably would have colored my perception a bit, don't you think? She just up and started talking to them one day, and they followed her-

“Because she's damn good at what she does!”

>Apparently not good enough, according to Applejack.

There it was, the stallion thought, that recoil. He should not have taken pride in that. He did anyway.

>And then comes the next part! You know, this one is honestly the worst, this is the one I just plain feel angry you tried on me. You seriously said we had a budget crises and they wouldn't get paid. Did you really think, for even one moment, I wouldn't ask the bare bones basic question of “Hey, we just came off an invasion and are in the MIDDLE OF A GUARD CRISIS” and think to myself that it sure would be weird that this paperwork relating to the major debate of the last few weeks got pushed under education? And then you seriously said that Applejack would give me the specific task of RECURITMENT, and then not the funding for new recuits. Apparently you just thought I would look at the A-teams budget, see it was slashed, and think “He's right!” regardless of how little sense that makes. Oh, and your budget was slashed!... Months ago. Before even CHITANIA, and it was slashed because you were spending it on... do do dooo... battle saddles, and airship, hoverbikes, and... whatever the fuck a 'harmony prime' is, and don't get me started on a.. Juggernaut? Anyway, THAT'S what was slashed. And yet, despite this, you guys still had a FOUR HUNDERED BIT budget remaining! Imagine that! I could pay for a lot of recruits with that, couldn't I? This one was just insulting.

He grimaced, teeth that could cut through diamonds barring and showing.

>It gets worse, way worse. Turns out? According to Twilight's personal notes, which she thankfully provided for military strategy, that ice isn't super-effective in containing Chitania. It was because she got knocked out and then shoved beneath a... and I'm using the scientific term here, 'fuckload of tons' of the stuff. When she woke up due to simply being hit with a careful laser, she broke out without any problem and went on a rampage. And hey, you knew this, because you tried freezing her yourself, didn't you? Didn't work so well, I heard. So, essentially, everything you just said to me, the funding, the use against Chitania, the fact you 'weren't going to send them out untrained' despite the fact you've been behind a desk for MONTHS and haven't trained jack shit, was a lie. And you expected me to swallow it. I expected at least a little respect, but this is just insulting.

He expected a bit of rage.

He expected a bit of insults, of threats, of all sorts of things. He expected Spike to fight back.

He didn't expect him to grimace, and for him to look down in shame.

“...She needs this.”

>I literally do not care-

“NO! Screw you! While you were running around and failing, she was doing what you should have been doing! She was actually improving this place, making it better! You want to know why I lied to you, Pommel? Because you didn't earn this, you didn't deserve it! Nothing you have done put you in that chair. Nothing. You were just as lazy, just as terrible and just as useless as everyone else. I lied to you because honestly, yeah! I didn't think you'd look! Why would I? Name one accomplishment, one single thing you did for EQUESTIRA! I don't care what you think you deserve, I'm doing what I think will be best for the KINGDOM!”

>And that's 'putting our military in the hooves of a child'?


“Oh for the love of... who cares what her age is! Who cares next to the fact she was improving the guard, outright exploded our recruitment, and did more to actually protect this place than you ever have! You didn't even try to get elected, you didn't even know! I'm not respecting you, period, until you EARN IT. She's earned it, she deserves it, you're just a puppet they put in place because they wanted to be LAZY, she's the one who wouldn't let them be, and she didn't have to be forced into it like you did!”

He slammed his hooves down, moving forwards until he was mere inches from Spike's face.

>She is an entitled brat who is using MY MILITARY in order to get back at Applejack for kicking her off the team and making her feel less important! That's it! She's not doing this for Equestria, she's not doing it for the guard, she's doing it because she is mad!

“That's not true!”

>Just like everything else you said, I call bullshit.

“She wants to help Equestria!”

>Then she can get out, that'll be a huge help!

“Aren't you worried you're leaving this place vulnerable, and in the hooves of untrained guards!?”

>Yes, I am. I am terrified that this might take a while before they're ready, and until that point I'll have to just make do with the guards who stuck around. I'll have to make due with what little I have, and it is going to SUCK for months, if not longer! It's going to be hard, and mistakes might happen, but you know what I get instead? A guard who actually ARE trained, a populace that isn't reliant on unfeeling, reprogrammable machines! I can court martial a guard who takes a bribe, I can't do anything but scrap a machine someone broke into. I can teach a guard what to do in a bad situation, I can't teach a robot what to do if it's faced with something it's not programmed for. And I sure as hell am not placing my guard in the hooves of a third party!

“It's not related to Fawntaine, at all!”


>Who the fuck cares!? Seriously, why do you keep bringing that up? Nobody has any problem with Fawntaine, as a business! They're selling stuff in our streets, and we're fine with it! It's not Fawntaine, it's the fact it's a side business WE DO NOT CONTROL! We're putting their lives in the hooves of someone we DO NOT KNOW! Why is it better because it comes from Diamond Tiara!? That makes no sense!

He backed off, just slightly, just a bit, but it was enough. It was enough to tell Pommel that the dragon... would not be pushing back.

>I'm done, Spike. I'm not putting my faith in machines, or you.

He didn't push back, just like he said... but he didn't back down, either.

“...You know, I didn't totally lie.”

>Oh?

“Yeah. That one bill I slipped in? The one about guards being able to bring their own weapons? That's real.”

>...What?

“Back when Twilight was still in Twience mode, I told Applejack it was just a safety net in case Twilight handed a weapon for them to test in the field. Applejack trusted Twi to only make something that would benefit Equestria, and understood it needed testing, and I promised not to broadcast it so it didn't get abused. That rule? Very real.”

>...I'll just ban them from-

“Good idea! Submit the form for 'preventing unlicensed items' concerning the item you wish to deem unfit for use with a detailed explanation filled out in triplicate, and me and Applejack will have that looked over in a jiffy! Until then, though, they're perfectly legal to be kept, and used, just in case. Though, you know, they're allowed to fight back on bannings, up to and including an actual case with the Princesses involved. But hey, that shouldn't take too long, right? Not enough time for the citizens out there, who have taken a shine to the bots, to get... attached, probably.”

His hooves started to scratch the desk. A pity, since he just got the thing.

>You and Diamond Tiara are still banned-

“That's a shame. But hey, you know what? You're right, I was never a guest instructor. I taught a specialty class, I even got paid for it.... hmmm... I wonder if they would be interested in coming to see us on our off time? DT would probably love it, and I've got full access to the simualtor.”

>You can't-

“Be stopped because this would be on their civilian time, during which it is totally illegal for you to ban them from seeing anyone and doing anything.”

>...True. But you know, I'm not worried.

“Oh?”

>Yeeeeah, learned a few tricks on my little adventure, not too worried about this, I know how to... dissuade folks, legally.

“...You're not even going to let her help on her off time?”

>I can't stop her, but I can damn well try. Going to be blunt, Spike, after this? I don't want either of you near them.

“You're just going to let her get worse...'

>Not my problem.

“...Fine. Guess the race is on, to see who's going to make a better Equestria. Good luck getting rid of the robots.”

>Challenge met.

That was it, all that needed to be said.

He hopped down, and started to walk off.

>Oh, and Spike?

The dragon paused, his claws on the doorknob.

>...I'm used to others trying to fuck me over. Thing you don't seem to grasp is, that's not special. Maybe when you grow up you'll realize the only way to deal with someone trying to fuck you over... is to come back swinging, and give it everything you've got.

“...Nah, I knew that already.”

He flung the door open, and stepped outside.

“Just didn't know you eventually caught on.”

The door, and the conversation, was closed.

>...You don't know the half of it...

~~~

Path 2, which is the widely accepted one.

>Pommel
“Diamond Tiara”
'Spike'
~~~~

He knew she was going to come.

He did not even need to know her all that well to know she was going to come.

He did not even need to know her briefly to know she was going to come.

He did not even need to have been in the same room to know she was going to come.

If he had only heard about her in passing, briefly, to the side, barely even knowing the first part of her name, he wold have known she was going to come. She just seemed like the type. And by that he could actually feel the 'daddy's little princess' radiating off her like a glow to the world, a beacon to say “I'm the most important!” without saying a word.

And low and behold..

SLAM!

“YOUUUU!”

'Diamond Tiara, calm down! I said I was sorry, I didn't mean to-'

He did not wince as she literally, and he did mean literally, slammed the door in his face. He heard that 'THUMP' from clear across the room.

And to his surely everlasting 'joy', she had not come alone!... Well, she had come alone, but she had not come unarmed, is what he should be saying. Not that he'd say that to her face, she was apparently very 'severe' regarding that rocket launcher. One that, he could quite clearly see, had somehow been even more upgraded since his last visit. It was quite an impressive piece of weaponry.

The one that he was sure was 'accidentally' pointed at him, he was sure. She was just balancing it wrong, he was sure.

>...Hi, Diamond Tiara, can I help-

“You're a dumbass.”

>Inappropriate.

“Oh, I'm sorry, you're a fucking dumbass.”

>...Somehow more appropriate, actually. I feel like this is somehow less threatening because I heard you just say 'fucking' in what amounts to a chipmunk voice, and I find this far funnier than I should.

She stomped up to him, full, prime, looking oddly strong. Possibly because when she set her hooves down on his desk, after a bit of help from a chair, he swore he heard it groan. How the hell she carried something that weighed that much, he was sincerely questioning.

“...Leave.”

>I beg your pardon? You are in my office, not the other way around.

“Nooo, I'm in the office of the Captain of the Guard!”

She looked left, she looked right, and theatrically placed a hoof to her mouth.

“Nope! Not in this room!”

>Ah hah, ah hah, fantastic. Didn't you hear?

“Hear that, what, you got elected in a literal kangaroo court-”

>Racist.

“-and then just up and decided you were top dog? HA! HA HA HA! You make me LAUGH!”

>Noticed that. Also, noticed a lot of things.

“You think you can walk up here, give a speech and then 'ohhh', I clearly know what's in the best interests for Equestria!”

>I'm pretty sure I do, at least in comparison to you.

“Oh, really? What have you done for Equestria, total, besides being eaten. Go ahead, tell me-”

>Well-

“Shut it, I don't care what the hell you did off on your little adventure when someone upchucked you and then felt so bad for you the GIANT MONSTER made you a boat because you were so utterly incapable she felt bad for you, SHE DID! CHITANIA!”

>Uh huh.

“And meanwhile, what did I do? Oh, I just FOUGHT A CYBORG HOOF TO HOOF, blew up an airship, fought a clown monster, fought a giant robot made of carnival rides, and while you were off doing who even knows what, I was here, FIGHTING ZOMBIES! And then, and THEN, while I'm finally helping make the guard not be so utterly terrible, a guard YOU WERE before this, while I'm training them and bolstering the ranks and making them not the worst thing ever, you have the nuts to come up to me, TO ME, DIAMOND TIARA, when I am actually doing better than you and say I can't train them or use my robots!?”

>Yep.

If her head got any more puffy, it was going to pop. He was about to witness a filly's head literally erupt off her shoulders in a sea of gore and explain to her parents that the brains they scraped off the wall was caused by a single, non-magical, word.

“GET OUT.”

>Nope.

She shifted her shoulder, ever so slightly, and that monster was pointed right at him. Totally accidental, he was sure, he was positive it was hard to balance.

“You and me, in the simulator, right now, one on one, winner gets to command the guard.”

>I was unaware that our military progression had been reduced to cage matches.

“You afraid I'll beat you!?”

>Fought a loooot scarier than that thing... though admittedly, it didn't have as many accessories.

“So, yes, you're afraid I'll utterly humiliate you in front of everyone, because to be frank there's not a single thing you can do against a rocket to the face.”

>Probably is, actually. Lots of stuff.

“BAWKBAWKBAWK!”

>I'd call that immature, but then I realize you've probably just heard that one in math class, and think it's original.

“I'M DOING BETTER THAN YOU!”

>I have literally been here for a day. Literally. LITERALLY. I have not even gotten to training them yet, because our FIRST training day is scheduled for TOMORROW. This is day one for me. Well, day two technically, but day one was just finding where my office is, they actually forgot about it. I'm not even letting you near my guards.

“I'm sorry, I thought this was all about PROTECTING EQUESTRIA!”

>It is. And it's also about, you know, making sure Equestria stays protected for more than a year, and isn't reliant on machines you can literally replace and no one will notice. It's a consumer model. They can just pick them up, crush them, replace them with another consumer model that looks the same and boom, infiltration that you'd never see coming. That is a LOT harder to do with a guard. What with families and friends and yadda yadda.


“That's why I have the robots to ASSIST them! I didn't want to replace them! Why would I be training them in the simulator every freaking day and putting them through hell if I wanted to replace them!?”

>Replace them slowly-

“NO! That's stupid! You can't just have one! Sexy doesn't work without me, he needs ME, why would that be any different!?”

>...I'm going to ignore you just called that thing sexy-

“HIM!”

>...Double ignoring. We are doubling down on ignoring, and we are riding that train straight to 'ignoreville, Canterlot'. Point is, okay, I see your point about working together, but from what you said, these things are capable of a lot.

“So!?”

>So... why wouldn't the guard just rely on them? Think about it, you've got untrained, unsure guards who are just now getting into the game, and low and behold there's this easy answer to arresting, investigating, and so many other things just siting there waiting. Guess what they're gonna do? No, nevermind, don't tell me. I've seen what happens when you have things more powerful than you at your command. You become a little... reliant, you know?

“I... they're supposed to work together! You don't have to be totally reliant on them! I'm not! When TBDRLIATU got kidnapped away back at Partyland, I didn't just curl up and wait! I fought mutant super clown creatures in a fucked up nightmare world all by myself, no TBDRLIATU, and I WON!”

>That's... actually pretty impressive, props. But still, not everyone is like you-

“OBVIOUSLY! But that doesn't mean that nobody is! They can put down suspects non-leathally, they have ice cannons! They have a whole host of weapons a guard just DOES NOT HAVE!”

>...And that thing doesn't?

“HIM!”

>Stick to the point.

“...Okay, yes, obviously TBDRLIATU has them, he's The Best Damn Rocket Launcher In All The Universe.”

>Okaayyy, so... why not just make a bunch of those?

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”

>...Nooot hearing an answer.

“Are you insane!? Do you have any idea how much he costs!?”

>Nope.

“A! FUCKING! LOT! More than your salary for a YEAR! You would break Equestria with THREE of him, not that you could ever make another like him!”

>Again, I want you to know every time you say fucking I want to laugh, you get so squeaky when you scream.

“PAY ATTENTION!”

>Okay.. so, is there, like, a less expensive version? What about that one strapped to him.

“...Spike gave it to me.”

>Right, but- hold up, is that thing... being HELD by the bigger rocket launcher? Is that rocket launcher holding a rocket launcher!?

“No comment.”

>...Actually? Thank you for that, I do not want to know. But point is, that thing, cheap?

“I don't know!”

>Cheaper than the robots? I mean, it has to be. A launcher without the incredibly complicated AI just has to be, by definition

“Well, maybe! But the robots are just plain better!”

>Better than the soldiers?

“NO! Better WITH the soldiers! What, do you want them to carry around missile launchers!? Oh, yeah, that'll make everyone feel really safe!”

>As opposed to robots?

“Everyone owns these things, what would POSSIBLY-”

>Stalliongrad.

“...Fine, point. But just because they CAN be used like that-”

>Doesn't mean they will, I know. But they can be, is the danger.

“Oh, what, and guards can't be lazy, or bribed, or corrupt, or just plain stupid?”

>...Actually, fair point. They can be all of that, though Shining Armor was pretty damn good at stopping bribery and corruption so it's at least somewhat preventable. ...He didn't do much anything else, though.

“That's my point, we NEED the Peacetrotters to help them!”

>...You know, when I turned Spike down, I was mostly just worried that you were using this as some kind of revenge against Applejack-

“I deny that.”

>...And clearly you are. But I think the bigger issue is that... you kind of live in a little bubble, don't you?

“AND JUST WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?”

>Okay, so, you want to give the Peacetrotters away because they're powerful, and effective, right?

“I did that already until you said not to!”

>And theeen, what were your demands?

“I said they had to carry them everywhere! When they eat, where they sleep, everything so that they KNOW-”

>Know their machines, got you... that's not really the point, is it?

“...What do you mean?”

>Question, where do you take that-... a-hem, where do you take HIM with you?

“Everywhere! For everything! Me and TBDRLIATU can beat anything, anywhere, anytime, and it's because I know him inside and out! And he knows ME inside and out!”

>Annnnd, click, now it all makes sense... and I am still in ignoresville after that last line.

“WHAT!?”

>You know what? I was super suspicious of you for a while, thought you were going to do something crazy for revenge, but honestly? This is... pretty noble.

“...I'm torn between wanting to punch you and say 'a doy'.”

>Go with 'a doy', less assault paperwork. But the point is, it kind of looks like, deep down, you were just trying to make the guard... like you.

“Obviously! Who wouldn't want to be me!? I'm Diamond Tiara!”

>...Putting a pin in that and you best believe that one's not getting left on the fridge. But back to my original point... you just want the guard to be popular, able to win fights, and armed with a weapon they're very close to and know inside and out. You were, essentially, trying to mold them in your own image.

“...And the problem isssss? Have you seen my image?”

>As you are in grade school, I am going to not answer that in the way I pray you are not hoping I would.

“...what does that even mean!?”

>You know what? I honestly do not know. I got crossed there trying to choke down my lunch.

“You're still dodging the fact you're completely vestigial compared to me. I've done a lot more-”

>One Day. It's been ONE DAY.

“Point still stands!”

>Okay, gonna be blunt here, no. No Peacetrotters, and I will crush those things-

“DON'T YOU DARE!”

Huh. So that's what the inside of a rocket launcher looks like.

>...Touchy, also, threatening an officer, super illegal.

“This isn't a threat.”

>Sure looks like one.

“...It's a warning.”

>Same thing, actually. Also, badass talk is less effective when I am pretty sure I could give you a piggyback ride and we would just look adorable.

“You'd better not touch one single PLATE on them!”

>You do realize you gave them away, right? Which means they can be personalized, like, painted and stuff, or they could just replace the head or something. Or get wrecked by guns because apparently that's what you want to use them for.

Why that, in particular, struck a chord with her, made her suddenly double take, he had no idea.

He did, however, know when to press forwards and advance, and knew the one thing a lot of kids really did not want to hear.

>Or they could just stick an 'attachment' back there and on lonely nights... well, how up to date on you on the concept of 'the birds and the bees?'

He expected shock, he expected disgust, he expected embarrassment.

He did NOT expect her to look as if she had just walked in on her parents during their 'birthday surprise'... and noticed that uncle Bucker was also right there in the middle. That special kind of horror that can only be witnessed when part of a child dies, and never comes back.

Thus was the horror of Diamond Tiara.

>See? You gave them as personal property. Personal. As in, this isn't just a weapon like a spear or helmet, this is a machine who can do a lot of stuff, change in a lot of ways, be pretty different and be misused like crazy. There's a lot of ways this can go wrong, and worst off once they get used to them it will be very hard to get rid of them. They simply are not a good idea.

She was quiet.

Thoughtful.

For a brief, hopeful moment, he thought he made it through to her.

“...It's better than the alternative.”

He was wrong.

“It's better than someone dying because the guard messed up and someone slipped. It's better than a killer going unfound because the guard can't put it together. It's better than this city living in fear of PLUSHIES because they're so utterly inept they need a freaking filly to show them how to defeat it with HUGS. The zombies were the least of our problems, you get that? There is so, so much more wrong they can do if they don't have someone looking over their shoulder and telling them NOT to run and throw their spears down, or at the very least someone who will keep fighting regardless! They need someone who will PROTECT THEM!”

He tapped his hooves together, just as quiet, just as thoughtful, and for a brief moment, Diamond Tiara got to be the one who felt that hope.

>...That's why we need the guard, not a machine.

She was wrong.

He reached out, tapping the corner of her rocket launcher, just before she pulled back in disgust.

>This thing right here? This thing is impressive. This thing is... fuck it, I'm going to say it, it's pretty damn cool. Look at that, it has tasers, blades, lots of different rockets, all sorts of cool stuff. That's amazing. But you know what? I'm not afraid of that thing. That thing right there? It doesn't impress me, not really. You want to know what does impress me?

Gently, slowly even, his hoof shifted to the side, and poked her right in her little pink chest.

>...That you made that.

“...what?”

>This... I mean, he's pretty amazing, but HE'S not amazing, you know?... Makes no sense, got you. Let me clarify You want to know what's amazing? That there was someone out there who saw giant robots, cyborgs, and zombies... and kept going. Someone saw a world in trouble, and they built something to make a difference. They built something that would get them ready, and help them step up to the plate. Them, not a machine in their place. This guy right here? He's not going to save someone, not alone, not unless he goes off falling down a flight of stairs and misfires into a mugger or something.

“...He's been drop tested, actually. A lot.”

>Point is, he's not what I want, in a military.

He pressed harder, just enough he could feel her heartbeat.

>That's what I want in the military. That's what I want the guard to be.

“...I don't understand.”

>Nah, didn't think you would, not right now... but maybe someday.

He let her go, leaning back in his chair, and resuming thoughtfully tapping his hooves together.

>...You realize when Applejack finds out you've been trying to train the guard, she's going to blow a lid, right?

“Pfft, who cares! By the time she notices, she'll be begging me to come back!”

>I really doubt that, she's pretty stubborn.

“PFFT!”

>Well rebutted. But come on, we both know it's a ticking clock.

“Not if you leave, it's not.”

>No, if I leave then it's ALL robots. Is that what you want?

“NO!”

>Good, then we're in agreement... tell you what, you want to keep training the guard, and you want the robots, right?

“No, I NEED to keep training the guard, and Equestria NEEDS the peacetrotters!”

>...Pick one.

“WHAT!?”

>You heard me. Pick one. Does Equestria need you, or the robots?

“W-what!? You can't... haven't you been listening!? YOU NEED BOTH!”

>No, according to you, they need both. You don't work with the robots, you use that guy. So, pick one. Which one does Equestria need?

She huffed.

She stomped.

She flicked his trigger.

But she did not move.

“Both.”

>One or the other.

“Both.”

>You can't have it all go your way.

“I SAID BOTH!”

>...Then I want neither.

“Then I'll just have to get you out, and-”

>Oh come off it. What, did you really think she would accept you as Captain of the Guard? Did you really think you could take my position?

“Spike would convince her!”

>Spike couldn't convince ME. What hope does he have against Applejack?

“He... he...”

The first telling signs of defeat were present, the first hints of failure creeping their way in.

He admitted, something in him stirred when that just seemed to make her fight back even harder.

“...You said one or the other, right?”

>I did.

“But that would imply one of those choices is me training the guard.”

>It is.

“And yet you also claim that Applejack would never let me do that?”

>I do.

“...then I propose a wager.”

>You are not old enough to gamble.

“The eight hundred bits I've gotten from Forty Two and Spike say otherwise.”

>...Note to self, you are not invited to poker night.

“But my wager is this. If you can do as you claim, then I'll keep helping with the guard. If you manage to make Applejack let me work with the guard, you win. No Peacetrotters.”

>And if I do not? If the legendary apple stubbornness is somehow stronger than a giant crystal god?

“...A what?”

>No comment.

“Don't care anyway. But you know what the alternative is. If you can't convince her, I need to know SOMEONE in there is actually competent and can look over the untrained and currently ineffective guard's back and actually do some good. I need to know SOMEONE is looking out for everyone else, and if it's not me it's gotta be somebody, even if that somebody is just a really good AI!”

>...You realize I don't have to accept either, right? I can just say no to both. I've got the power in this situation.

A shadow came over her, from where he did not know. But she did not look dark, or scary, or evil... just “Determined”. The thought of leaving Equestria alone had flipped a switch in her, and it was plain for all to see.

This, alone, made him smile.

>...M'kay. Deal.

“...”

>What do you saaaay?

“Words that would get my mouth washed out with soap.”

>What do you saaayyyy?

“That the fact you realize you need at least one means you're not as dumb as I thought.”

>What do you saaaaayyyyyyyy?

“...I'll say it when you deliver.”

With a huff, and a prissy flair, she hopped down, rocket launcher clinking on her back the whole way, nose in the air the whole while as she flung the door open, and strode away.

>...Okay, so, options. I can either do the impossible and convince Applejack, go back on my principals and accept dangerous and vulnerable robots, or deal with that thing hounding me for the rest of my career.... huh. Sad part is, option 2 looks the best, just because of less of her.

With a sigh, he pulled a positively massive folder from his desk stamped “Diamond Tiara, WARNING!”, and began to make his case.

>...Or I guess I could always just ask Chitania to eat then upchuck me again, that worked out pretty well in comparison to this...

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC April fool
>Chrysalis
"???"
'???'
~~

>Mwhahaha... Mwahahah... AHHHHAHAHHAHAHAH!

"Why are you cackling while also hiding in my plant, Chrysalis?"

>I am waiting, dear Celestia!

"I've noticed, you've been staring at that door for twenty minutes now. Why, is my question."

>I am waiting for DEEEEAR Applejack to come back, so I may spring my trap on her!

"...Applejack's gone, and won't be back for a while"

>...Oh, well, this is a bust.

"What's supposed to happen?"

>Door opens and about eight kilos of a special concoction fly out in her face and stick her to the wall. It's supposed to look like... well, you know.

"...Ew."

>Hard to get out of fur too. Really hard.... well, fuck, guess I'll just have to disarm-

'Do do dooooooo~, droppin' off my papers, do do doooo~ no Aj to yell at me-'

>...Oh, fuck.

"SHINY NOOOOOOOOO!"

~~~~

'...'

>I want thanks for saving you.

'Celestia pushed me out of the way.'

>I was with her in spirit.

"... So, this is what this feels like... I am suddenly glad that group sex idea fell through, this is positively disgusting."

>HAH!

'Shut up and keep chipping.'

>I'm chipping! I'm chipping!... huh.

'Huh what?'

>There's just a lot less of this stuff than I thought there would be- OH FUCK!

'...I hate you.'

*SPLAT!*

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Cadence
"??"
'??'
~~~

>Honey? Shining Sweetie? I'm back from my spa trip early! Turns out ponies got lead poisoning by that new facial creme, so... dodged a bullet there! And hey, we've got a fully ten hours now before Two gets back-OH MY GOD!

"Hi Cadence."

'Cadence! Did you want to join us?'

>Y-y-y-you... you...

"I know, right? Me and Eighteen decided to stop messing around with it."

'Yeah, decided this 'will they won't they' thing is bullshit, and just decided to bone. UNF, did he decide to!'

"Hell yeah I did."

>Y-you... y-y-y-you... yooooouuuuuu...

"Honey? What's the matter? You gave us the okay, after all."

>I-I--I-I-I-I-I...IIIIIiiiiieeeeeeeeee.

"Hey, Cadence?"

>A buh... nun... guh...

'Cadence?'

>Nughhhh.. nuugghhhhnn...

"Caddy?"

>NGGENNIIIIGGGGGNNNN.... NNEEEIIIIIIi...

"..."
'...'

"'APRIL FOOLS!"'

>...Oh... Oh hah! AHAHAHAH! Oh phew! OH WOW! Ohhhh, oh okay. WHOO! Wow, okay, you got me, got me good. HOO! Y-you rascally devils you. Shame on you! I almost had a heart attack! OOOH! Hoo... hooo.. okay. I'm going to go get something to eat.

"Be with you in a second, sweetie! We actually do have work, but this was just too tempting to pass up."

>Oh, oh I get it. And I'm going to get you guys back, just you wait! HOO! Hookay... hoo..

*LEAVES*

"..."

'...'

"...Okay, so, she's not as okay with this as thought."

'Nope.... good thing she didn't walk in five minutes ago.'

"No kidding. I guess we're going to have to wait a bit longer for this part."


'Awwww... I didn't even get a reciprocal.'

"Sorry... Better go shower off."

'Mmm... want to save water?'

"...Yes. Yes I do.'

~~~~

April fools NC

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Non-Canon
>Spike
"Silver"
'DT'
~~~~
>This is going to be great.

"What is?"

>I got a piece of fake hair that looks like DT's. I'm going to pretend to cut a piece of her hair.

"That sounds...wait."

>The look on her face is going to be great.

"Um, maybe this isn't such-"
He walks up behind DT.

>Hey DT, you have nice hair. I think you have a split end though. Let me snip- oh whoops.

'*GASP* YOU DICK!'

~Later~
Spike walks around with a black eye and a bandaged hand.
>She didn't have to stab my hand with the scissors.

"She had C4! You're lucky she didn't blow you up!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >SA
"Chrysalis"
~~~~

>...So, run this by me again.

"I don't see why I would have to, it's pretty self explanatory."

>Just humor me.

"I'm not an exposition machine."

>Humor. Me.

"...I don't know where 12 is, and I want you to ask Applejack to tell you where she sent him, so I can talk to him."

>...

"..."

>...Don't know at all?

"I sent an agent into Ponyville, apparently he left on a train with a guard and that patient a couple days ago. I just need Applejack to tell you where this obviously sanctioned trip was, so I can go talk to him."

>Just talk to him.

"...'

>...Seems reasonable, but why don't you just ask her yourself?

"..."

>Riiiight, right. Fine, when she gets back I'll ask her where she shipped off 12 to.

"Good, thank you."

>...You're not going to get mad, right?

"No comment."

>Don't get mad.

"No comment."

>...You wanna watch a movie?

"...Can I sit in your lap?"

>No.

"UNHELPFUL!"

>Theeeere you are.

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