Heart of The Cardz: dumb wifi, but the fact that i failed left an even bigger emotional scar on me than before, so im right back at one of the things that started it all, if i already know my life is a failure why keep going
fairyjigglypuff: oh
fairyjigglypuff: right back at one of the things that started it all?
fairyjigglypuff: what do you mean by this
Heart of The Cardz: Molest and abuse let to me feeling like im shit led to me feeling like a failure that cant ever do anything right which led to me considerring suicide but thought of it as a bad idea which lead to more and more depression stacking up which led to me thinking suicide as the best idea which led to now
fairyjigglypuff: i see
fairyjigglypuff: was this your first attempt?
Heart of The Cardz: no but this is the only one that landed me in the hospital all the rest of them werent nearly as bad
Heart of The Cardz: had jav and everyone else not told me to call 911 id be dead
fairyjigglypuff: were you on the skype chat again?
Heart of The Cardz: mhm
fairyjigglypuff: how old are you
fairyjigglypuff: actually just give me a minute
Heart of The Cardz: 16
fairyjigglypuff: gimme a sec
fairyjigglypuff: can we talk in voicechat or something in a bit
fairyjigglypuff: b u m p
Heart of The Cardz: sorry bout hawkie
fairyjigglypuff: ?
fairyjigglypuff: why are you apologizing for hawkie
Heart of The Cardz: because im a dork with a million problems on my mind and im always taking the balme for everything even when it isnt my life which is how i ended up the way i am in the first place
fairyjigglypuff: LOL
fairyjigglypuff: but like
fairyjigglypuff: how did you know hawkie was actually causing me problems
Heart of The Cardz: mafia staff chat
fairyjigglypuff: oh shub?
Heart of The Cardz: yes
fairyjigglypuff: the thing is
fairyjigglypuff: i just want hawkie to be able to take criticism
fairyjigglypuff: and not take everything so personally, like i'm attacking hawkie's character or anything
fairyjigglypuff: i also dont want this to be the beginning of me + hawkie beef or anything
fairyjigglypuff: dunno if that can be prevented now tho :*
Heart of The Cardz: i gotcha
fairyjigglypuff: i mean honestly dw about it
fairyjigglypuff: its something that hawkie needs to learn (taking criticism with grace, that is)
fairyjigglypuff: and not taking them as person attacks
fairyjigglypuff: but yeah um can you voicechat i dont think i got a response from you about that
Heart of The Cardz: well i can, not im sure i should i only came only to give my thoughts on everything, as i said the option i was taking was just taking all of my regrets and failures accepting i wont be anything of importants quit everything and move forward alone
fairyjigglypuff: because i think there's a fourth option
fairyjigglypuff: and a fifth
fairyjigglypuff: and a sixth
Heart of The Cardz: what are they
fairyjigglypuff: haven't thought of them
fairyjigglypuff: the point is that
fairyjigglypuff: i think you're restricting yourself way too much by giving yourself only 3 options
Heart of The Cardz: the easiest thing for you to do is to forget me and move on far far far away from me
fairyjigglypuff: no
fairyjigglypuff: i absolutely refuse
Heart of The Cardz: why are you making this harder for yourself?
fairyjigglypuff: because i care about you
fairyjigglypuff: and because i want to shoulder some of your pain
fairyjigglypuff: and i want you to know that you don't have to burden yourself
Heart of The Cardz: you shouldnt have to shoulder anything
Heart of The Cardz: it wasnt your fault
Heart of The Cardz: only person at fault is myself
fairyjigglypuff: no
fairyjigglypuff: a) it's not your fault
fairyjigglypuff: b) it's not your fault at all
fairyjigglypuff: c) it should never be your fault
Heart of The Cardz: i was the one who took the knife and stabbed myself
fairyjigglypuff: d) it's still not your fault
fairyjigglypuff: e) that's not your fault
fairyjigglypuff: f) it's not your fault
fairyjigglypuff: should i go on, or
fairyjigglypuff: oh
fairyjigglypuff: g) it isn't your fault
Heart of The Cardz: how is that not my fault?
fairyjigglypuff: because nobody saw your pain before
fairyjigglypuff: and nobody helped you out of it
fairyjigglypuff: and you were backed into a corner
fairyjigglypuff: you hurting yourself, i feel
fairyjigglypuff: wasn't that your last cry for help?
Heart of The Cardz: everyone knew i was suicidal
fairyjigglypuff: at least i take it that way
fairyjigglypuff: and nobody intervened you enough
fairyjigglypuff: it's our fault, not yours
fairyjigglypuff: also,
fairyjigglypuff: Heart of The Cardz: you shouldnt have to shoulder anything
fairyjigglypuff: Heart of The Cardz: it wasnt your fault
fairyjigglypuff: i know i dont have to shoulder anything
fairyjigglypuff: i'm saying i want to
fairyjigglypuff: think about it
fairyjigglypuff: i skimmed a bit of the skype chat but
fairyjigglypuff: you said you missed, right
fairyjigglypuff: ?
Heart of The Cardz: i did
fairyjigglypuff: there were obviously better spots you could've stabbed yourself
Heart of The Cardz: i was aiming for my heart
fairyjigglypuff: like slitting your wrist
fairyjigglypuff: and taking a bath
fairyjigglypuff: but
Heart of The Cardz: i did not know that
fairyjigglypuff: you didn't choose ways that would 100% kill you
fairyjigglypuff: because you wanted that chance to miss
fairyjigglypuff: because you didn't really want to die
fairyjigglypuff: no?
fairyjigglypuff: you wanted someone to tell you to call 911, no?
fairyjigglypuff: i take all of these things
fairyjigglypuff: as signs that you still have the will to live
Heart of The Cardz: i hate myself as a person, i wouldnt want to save myself
fairyjigglypuff: but you ended up saving yourself
fairyjigglypuff: you ended up giving the reins to someone else
fairyjigglypuff: and let them convince you to call 911
fairyjigglypuff: like sure you might hate yourself
fairyjigglypuff: i can't argue against that
fairyjigglypuff: i dont like myself too much either
Heart of The Cardz: fair point i had no reason to call 911 if i wanted to die
Heart of The Cardz: but i did anyways
fairyjigglypuff: and you had no reason to go to that skype chat
fairyjigglypuff: and make everyone there feel scared and worried for you
fairyjigglypuff: but you did that anyway, right?
Heart of The Cardz: yes
Heart of The Cardz: that was of my own will that i told everyone i had stabbed myself with the intent of dying
fairyjigglypuff: no
fairyjigglypuff: you did that because you wanted the people you care about to stop you
Heart of The Cardz: if thats the case i wouldnt have stabbed myself in the first place?
fairyjigglypuff: no
fairyjigglypuff: thats was your expression of your inner sadness and hatred for the world, no?
Heart of The Cardz: i see the point you are making but nothing is stopping me from stabbing right now with nobody knowing
fairyjigglypuff: you just said you understood that your death would bring sadness to others
Heart of The Cardz: yes i did i not saying i would do it at this current time but im saying nothing is stopping me
fairyjigglypuff: wouldn't that count as a reason?
fairyjigglypuff: or at least something that's stopping you from hurting yourself?
Heart of The Cardz: well well guess it would
fairyjigglypuff: btw what was the alt that you contacted me with earlier today?
Heart of The Cardz: weak and pathetic
fairyjigglypuff: k
Heart of The Cardz: sums up everything in 3 worde
fairyjigglypuff: everything about you? please
Heart of The Cardz: yes
Heart of The Cardz: it does
Heart of The Cardz: tell the skype chat i can assure them i wont suicide myself but that ive given up and choose to live my life alone with all my failures knowing i wont ever get better
fairyjigglypuff: n o p e
Heart of The Cardz: why not?
fairyjigglypuff: because i dont think you wont get better?
Heart of The Cardz: i wont get better
fairyjigglypuff: i've known people get better from the shittiest of positions
Heart of The Cardz: everyone has a niche in life mine is being the failure
fairyjigglypuff: why do you have to beat yourself up like that
fairyjigglypuff: why not be more honest
Heart of The Cardz: everything ive said is honest
fairyjigglypuff: fine i'll give you that much
fairyjigglypuff: but i think you're unnecessarily beating yourself up
fairyjigglypuff: quick question: do you care about the people you got to know through the maf room?
Heart of The Cardz: i do
fairyjigglypuff: is that why you went to them when you hurt yourself?
Heart of The Cardz: yes the shock of me being dead out of no where wouldny have been pleasant atleast they knew ahead of time i was dead
fairyjigglypuff: ... because knowing a day or two beforehand would be so much better
fairyjigglypuff: because its not frightening at all to read the words of a dying person
fairyjigglypuff: i wanted to say this a bit before
Heart of The Cardz: id rather hear their last words than not even knowing they were dead until 2 weeks later after it already happened
fairyjigglypuff: but you need to fucking understand
fairyjigglypuff: that
fairyjigglypuff: not everyone is at the same level of maturity as you
fairyjigglypuff: i'm not even saying you're mature at all
fairyjigglypuff: but there are actual kids here
Heart of The Cardz: fair point
fairyjigglypuff: fair point my ass
fairyjigglypuff: this is the only part that i think is your fault
fairyjigglypuff: and the reason why i think you need help
Heart of The Cardz: however the only people who know anything is everyone in the skype chat
fairyjigglypuff: and i'm saying
fairyjigglypuff: the people in the skype chat aren't adults
Heart of The Cardz: yes yes i know
fairyjigglypuff: there are literally 13,14 year olds in there
fairyjigglypuff: maybe even younger, who knows
Heart of The Cardz: scarring a 13 year old wouldnt making me any better than my brother
Heart of The Cardz: which only adds to why i should isolate myself and give up
Heart of The Cardz: everyone would win in that case
fairyjigglypuff: nah
fairyjigglypuff: i just take it as
fairyjigglypuff: you were so backed into a corner that you weren't able to consider what you were doing
fairyjigglypuff: when you went into that skype chat and said the things you said
Heart of The Cardz: now that im out of the corner ive realized my mistake and this ie the best way to fix it
Heart of The Cardz: bb can you please say what i need you to say in the skypechat now
fairyjigglypuff: https://pastebin.com/HJGnu6Jw
fairyjigglypuff: https://pastebin.com/UpJN8y0r
fairyjigglypuff: these are the logs of our conversation today
fairyjigglypuff: i recommend you reread them
Heart of The Cardz: before i do i want you to think about something, is the path i want the best option for me, think about everything ive done and everything ive said
fairyjigglypuff: lol you can reread that at your convenience
fairyjigglypuff: doesnt have to be now
Heart of The Cardz: tbh
fairyjigglypuff: i think you need someone to talk to
Heart of The Cardz: what difference does it make we are in the same spot and neither of our opnions have changed
fairyjigglypuff: well i'm not stopping
fairyjigglypuff: because i'm desperate as fuck
Heart of The Cardz: you arent the first to say that to me about all of this
fairyjigglypuff: say what exactly
Heart of The Cardz: fairyjigglypuff: well i'm not stopping
Heart of The Cardz: fairyjigglypuff: because i'm desperate as fuck
fairyjigglypuff: lol
fairyjigglypuff: well to recap my position
fairyjigglypuff: i dont think you hurting yourself is your fault
fairyjigglypuff: neither is anything bad that happened to your past
fairyjigglypuff: none of that is your fault
fairyjigglypuff: and you shouldnt internalize any of that, or blame yourself for any of that
Heart of The Cardz: tell the skype chat groupchat that i can assure them i wont suicide myself but that ive given up and choose to live my life alone with all my failures knowing i wont ever get better
Heart of The Cardz: can you copy paste that
Heart of The Cardz: in skype chat
fairyjigglypuff: i don't like how you involved skype chat and scared the shit out of little kids when you hurt yourself / said you would hurt yourself over the past week, but i think that's just representative of how bad your mental state is at the moment
fairyjigglypuff: again, i refuse
Heart of The Cardz: invite me back and ill do it myself
fairyjigglypuff: i'll go talk to skype chat
fairyjigglypuff: but i won't copy/paste
fairyjigglypuff: what i want you to see when reading back on the links i sent you
fairyjigglypuff: is a) how much i (and the maf fam in general) care about you
fairyjigglypuff: b) how much we want you to put your well-being first
Heart of The Cardz: my life doesnt matter
fairyjigglypuff: that means that your "isolating yourself" whatever isnt putting your well-being first
fairyjigglypuff: IT MATTERS TO US GOD DAMMIT
fairyjigglypuff: WE WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY JUST AS WE WANT TO BE HAPPY OURSELVES
Heart of The Cardz: then forgetting me is the easiest way tor everyone to be happy
fairyjigglypuff: do you realize how little sense that makes
Heart of The Cardz: it makes quite alot of sense actually
fairyjigglypuff: >
fairyjigglypuff: how would we be able to forget you
fairyjigglypuff: when you've etched yourself in our memories so deeply
fairyjigglypuff: not just in the skype chat or whatever
fairyjigglypuff: but all the time you spent in the room
fairyjigglypuff: as malevolt
fairyjigglypuff: as toxic mahshroom
fairyjigglypuff: as chapter seven
fairyjigglypuff: we're not going to forget you
fairyjigglypuff: we can't forget you even if we wanted to
fairyjigglypuff: and fuck we sure as hell don't want to
Heart of The Cardz: its not hard to
Heart of The Cardz: its really not
Heart of The Cardz: you do know we may never see eye to eye on this
fairyjigglypuff: i'm probably not good enough to convince you
Heart of The Cardz: at the end of the day the only person who can change myself
Heart of The Cardz: is myself
fairyjigglypuff: yeah i agree with taht
Heart of The Cardz: i care about my sister than i do my own life right now
fairyjigglypuff: and what did your sister say?
Heart of The Cardz: its not what she said its what happened to her just a few minutes ago but shes has said quite alot on this
fairyjigglypuff: was your sister the other person?
fairyjigglypuff: who said they were desperate as fuck
Heart of The Cardz: no
fairyjigglypuff: oh
Heart of The Cardz: but she probably is
fairyjigglypuff: i would think so too
Heart of The Cardz: right now shes crying because my stepfather tried to choke her
Heart of The Cardz: and i care more about that than i do my own life
fairyjigglypuff: thats fucked up
fairyjigglypuff: i honestly dont know what to say about that
Heart of The Cardz: seems the longer this conversation goes on the more gets leaked about why i am who i am
fairyjigglypuff: because i was fortunate enough to be raised by parents who didn't use violence
fairyjigglypuff: c7 you do realize
fairyjigglypuff: that that's a big reason why i'm having this conversation in the first place right
fairyjigglypuff: to understand you more
fairyjigglypuff: and see why you're in so much pain
fairyjigglypuff: and hopefully see what can be done
Heart of The Cardz: and what if nothing can be done
fairyjigglypuff: well i'm still your friend
Heart of The Cardz: sigh i feel so sorry for her
Heart of The Cardz: all she was trying to do was break up the kids aguring
Heart of The Cardz: she legit did nothing wrong
fairyjigglypuff: kids arguing?
fairyjigglypuff: like your other siblings?
Heart of The Cardz: oh right you werent there for that see my other sister was very ill and the people who usually take care of her children couldnt anymore so we took that job for them, shes fine now but she wanted to finish school so thats why we still have them
fairyjigglypuff: i'm assuming you talked about this on the skype chat huh
fairyjigglypuff: i'm assuming this "other sister" is a lot older than you, and has kids?
Heart of The Cardz: yes
fairyjigglypuff: and your sister in question tried to break up an argument between the kids
fairyjigglypuff: and the stepfather misunderstood the situation and used violence on your sister?
Heart of The Cardz: i guess thats what happened but im not too sure this is the same stepfather who usually slaps me because i have trouble following basic directions
Heart of The Cardz: which leads back to me being a failure
fairyjigglypuff: violence is never the answer
Heart of The Cardz: its not like i can change anything
fairyjigglypuff: and should never be forgiven
Heart of The Cardz: police have been up here like
Heart of The Cardz: 8
Heart of The Cardz: maybe 9
Heart of The Cardz: times
Heart of The Cardz: broken glass broken tv etc
Heart of The Cardz: usually stuff you expect in a family arguement
Heart of The Cardz: and im usually the one caught in the middle
fairyjigglypuff: um sry for getting a bit into your personal information
Heart of The Cardz: its fine
fairyjigglypuff: i'm so sorry to hear that c7
Heart of The Cardz: arent we friends
fairyjigglypuff: yea
fairyjigglypuff: its about your abuse/molestation
fairyjigglypuff: i thought your stepfather wasn't the perpetrator?
Heart of The Cardz: that was my brother
Heart of The Cardz: that goes wayyyy back
fairyjigglypuff: yea thought so
Heart of The Cardz: when i was 8
fairyjigglypuff: is it still a problem?
Heart of The Cardz: no
Heart of The Cardz: it just still effects me even though hes not around
fairyjigglypuff: he's not around?
Heart of The Cardz: he doesnt live with us not sure if they told you the story but the reason hes free is becsuse of myself
fairyjigglypuff: i'm listening
Heart of The Cardz: guess whos here, the god damn police
Heart of The Cardz: this is just
Heart of The Cardz: usual for me
fairyjigglypuff: wait right now?
Heart of The Cardz: yes
fairyjigglypuff: O.O
Heart of The Cardz: ohhhhh ok thats the full story
fairyjigglypuff: uh i didnt hear any story
Heart of The Cardz: mb i stupid
Heart of The Cardz: ok so after the kids argued sister came to grt the youngest who was sleeping on the bed because she knew my mother was tired after work, so stepdad was like you arent getting any fucking child and slapped her so my sister hit back then they started arguing which led to the choking
Heart of The Cardz: fjp can i quit now
fairyjigglypuff: quit?
fairyjigglypuff: i mean i can't force you to stay
Heart of The Cardz: yeah you cant but you see how much of a mess i am
fairyjigglypuff: but
fairyjigglypuff: can't you tell just as well that i care about you and want to help?
Heart of The Cardz: yes i see
Heart of The Cardz: uggg here we go with pressing charges now
Heart of The Cardz: my sister is a legal adult
fairyjigglypuff: oh, so older sister?
Heart of The Cardz: yes
Heart of The Cardz: i would be the youngest
Heart of The Cardz: of everyone
fairyjigglypuff: i see
fairyjigglypuff: could explan how you "freed" your brother
Heart of The Cardz: see ive always been a shy person so when the event broke out i never said anything so for about 8 years no one has known anything until i told jav
Heart of The Cardz: i was scared
fairyjigglypuff: i can see why you'd feel that way
Heart of The Cardz: and that
Heart of The Cardz: is why i blame myself
fairyjigglypuff: what
fairyjigglypuff: blame yourself for what
Heart of The Cardz: i blame myself for all this jusy the way that i am today because i was scared and couldnt say anything to anyone
fairyjigglypuff: the thing is like
fairyjigglypuff: i feel it's natural to feel scared about revealing stuff about yourself
Heart of The Cardz: funny i seem to be doing so much of thay right now
fairyjigglypuff: maybe it shows that you trust me?
fairyjigglypuff: :]
fairyjigglypuff: or that i'm good at drawing out information from you
Heart of The Cardz: im just at a lost my sister is crying my other sister is dealing with the stress of school my mother is the only one here who works because my stepdad doesnt do shit around here yet he feels like he should have all the power of the house and the kids are as scared as my sister is
Heart of The Cardz: how does this day get any worse?
fairyjigglypuff: i don't know
fairyjigglypuff: my heart is filled with sadness
fairyjigglypuff: and anger that i cant do anything
Heart of The Cardz: this is who i am all the faults in all
fairyjigglypuff: thanks tho
fairyjigglypuff: for telling me everything
Heart of The Cardz: i give you perms to tell everyone else should you wish to
Heart of The Cardz: but this puts me in a bind now
Heart of The Cardz: i have 3 roads
Heart of The Cardz: and i dont know which to take
fairyjigglypuff: i said this before, but i think you have other options?
Heart of The Cardz: if i do
Heart of The Cardz: then i need them
fairyjigglypuff: well
Heart of The Cardz: im crying and im trying so hard to hide it
fairyjigglypuff: i think you need help
fairyjigglypuff: like professional help
fairyjigglypuff: you, your sister, your whole family
Heart of The Cardz: i think
Heart of The Cardz: you are right
Heart of The Cardz: i asked javelinlover this exact same question
Heart of The Cardz: why do you think the most horrible stuff happens to me
Heart of The Cardz: and do you think i deserve it
fairyjigglypuff: i don't know why all this shit happens to you
fairyjigglypuff: but i know damn well it isnt your fault
fairyjigglypuff: i've said that like 10 times by now, and i'll say it a million more times
Heart of The Cardz: you're probably right
Heart of The Cardz: it isnt my fault
fairyjigglypuff: yup
fairyjigglypuff: unless you know
fairyjigglypuff: you arent telling me the truth, and actually maliciously manipulated all of your family into this current position
Heart of The Cardz: do you think
Heart of The Cardz: id do that
fairyjigglypuff: lol no
fairyjigglypuff: it was a joke