Thread 77: Stories 16-30

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>Reporter
"Reporter 2"
~~~~~

>...I'm conflicted. Should we really publish this? This could cause massive interpolitical strife between our fair nation of Equestria and so many others. We could really cause some havoc here.

"On the other hoof, did you see that changeling in there?"

>No...

"Which means we got a scoop her and her robot didn't get."

>Right...

"And we're going to sell... how many papers?"

>........

"..."

>...........TO THE PRINTING PRESS!

"YAY FOR LACK OF ETHICS!"

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>YOU FINALLY USE MY BOTS AND *THIS* HAPPENS!?

"...in my defense, we only lost the one."

'Rest in Peace 017.'

"Ooookay, am I the only one weirded out by them having a funera-OW!"

>FOCUS ON ME YELLING AT YOU!

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NC
>Fluttershy
"Pinkie"
~~~~

>...You, uh, you just started twitching. Your left eye, specifically, what does that mean?

"Fluttershy, you remember what I said when you said we were going on a picnic?"

>Um.. that we were going to miss something?

"I said we were going to miss something.... you know what we did?"

>Missed... something?

"No."

>...

"...We missed EVVVVVVERRRYYYYTHIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIHIIIIHIIIING! ABUHHHHH!"

>...More tea?

"Yes please!"

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>Pommel
"Guards"
'Discord'

Through the snow they trudged, their armor heavy upon their bodies as they fought their way through the blizzard.

>Hurry up, guys, we got to get back to the castle before something horrible happens!

"Dude we just got punted all the way up to the top of the mountain, we're not gonna help."

>We have to try!

"We would've been better off just staying up there with that changeling."

"...the fuck was that guy even doing up there?"

"I dunno something about a signal from his queen..."

'Ah, hanging gags, will the absentmindedness of the anons ever cease?'

>"WHAT THE-!?"

The guards and their captain looked up, down at the smirking visage of the chaos god, arms folded, reclining in a floating sun chair whilst clad in a Haywaiian shirt, lounging in a circle of sunlight amidst the blizzard. He looked down a pair of shades at the assembled guards.

'Quite the drama Queen, isn't she? I don't know what her problem is, if they didn't kill Blueblood, they certainly won't kill a mildly amusing side character.'

>What do you want?

'Oh me? Simple. I want to borrow you for just a moment.'

>Wha-

'No time, I'm afraid, I can already hear muttered curses of 'Discord OP' and something about waifus, we must away!'

With a speed that defied imagination, the spirit of Chaos sprung out of his chair, his patch of summer, and his costume -all of which continued to float where they were- and wrapped his coiling body around the guard captain before disappearing from the view of the guards with an audible pop.

"...aw fuck, he's gonna eat him."

The beach chair smashed itself on the guard that had uttered the sentence. Discord's sunglasses shifted to stare eyelessly at him.

'Does this look like a vore thread to you? Kindly take your magical realm elsewhere.'

And then there was nothing but the whistle of the wind.

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>???
~~~~

Recent events hadn’t put much of a damper on the festivities, such that they even were.

To the left, there were apples.

To the right, there were apples.

Above him on the streetlamps, more apples.

Up the corner and constructing what had to be their eightieth barn, apples.

Apples, swaying to their own tipsy beat and laughing.

Apples… with large posteriors, posteriors shaped to a rotund plumpness from years of applebucking and hardwork.

Posteriors that glistened with sweat and gyrated, and tails that flicked out like a whip.

The sight alone was enough to make any hotblooded stallion begin to-

>Nah!

If anyone had been paying attention, they would have taken the sight of 56 willingly turning away from such a treasure-trove of bountiful plot as a precursor to the end times.

But no one was paying attention. No one noticed when the little changeling ascended the steps of the castle, head up and back straight, covered in an air of resolution.

>Now’s not the time for booty. That comes later, after I find this night captain guy…

Of course, he hadn’t the first clue on how to accomplish that feat so he was left scratching at his noggin for a few.

>...Oh, that's right! Glims! Yeah, yeah, she oughta know somethin’ to help!

And he took off in a more determined trot than before, smiling from ear to ear.

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Luna"
~~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but the clock keeps ticking! Now for our main guest...PRINCESS LUNA!!!

"Of course..."

>The word on the street is that you're letting 56 join the night guard. Do you think AJ or Princess Celestia are going to show any concern about an underage joining?

"...why would they have a say? It's my night-"

>Point taken. As usual that's all the time we have right now, but join us next time when we push the behind the scenes special!

"...thou is not going to air it, art thou?"

>There's going to be lots of fanservice in it that's for sure.
Luna wakes up.

"...so no."

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>Discord
"Pommel"

Poof

>First it was a pop, now it's a poof. No wonder I'm never given enough canon stories if you buffoons can't even keep sound effect continuity.

Pommel blinked, he was sitting in his office, at his desk as an annoyed Draconequues-

>Nice job googling how to spell that, friendo.

"What?"

>Hush you, I didn't bring you to chat with you, I brought you here to chat at you.

"Er...I don't think we've-"

>No we haven't met, and if the situation weren't what it was, I wouldn't even sully my tongue speaking to you. But I digress from the point and creep closer to non-canonicity, so I'll cut to the chase.

The Chaos God's claws ripped through the air, creating a rift, a rift from which erupted horrible red tentacles.

"GAH!"

>I thought this anon's forte was dialogue, oh well. I think you recognize these?

"Yes! Get rid of them!"

With a flourish, Discord produced a zipper, with which he quickly sealed up the breach and pocketed inexplicably in his scaly body.

>It would seem in your journeys you made a little friend, one that we now share between us. Well less like a friend, more like an acquaintance...okay, a mortal enemy, really.

"You know about that asshole too?"

>Language, honestly, it's like we all forget this is a show for little girls. Yes, I know him, I know him, his three little friends, and all the horrible horrible things they did. But I'm not a history professor -unless it's in that god awful documentary- so let's stay on target, shall we?

Pommel nodded.

>Dumbly, he nodded dumbly, be honest, anon. You're going to see Princess Twilight about what you saw in the simulator, aren't you?

"Well yeah, in a bit, I need to assure that Princess Applejack is safe fir-"

>Ah ah ah, we aren't shoe-horning you into that story arc. You ARE going to find Princess Twilight and tell her about what's lurking in her computer.

"Wait, so it isn't just some kind of crazy bug Daw caused?"

>It's never JUST something, haven't you learned that by now? No no, I assure you, that monster is slowly putting itself back together again, like they always do.

"What?"

>Hm? What, you expected you to have just killed that thing and the minotaur and have them be gone for good. That's not how the world looks anym-

Discord shut his fat mouth.

>Mmph!

"...uh..."

>Oh fine fine fine, look, killing something's all well and good but some creatures have a habit of not staying dead. That creature 'probably' showed you a little bit of its history, didn't he?

"Yeah, it showed me the-"

>Spare the recap, I know all about it. Problem is, it didn't show you what happened after it locked itself away in its little jeweler's mother-lode. It didn't show you Faust's...difficulty in getting rid of its three siblings, or the lengths she and eventually the rest of us had to go to in order to clean up that mess.

"I thought you said there wasn't time for a history lesson."

>Correct, but I get so little screentime I figured a preamble would pad this out. I'll lay this out flatter than your character: Don't kill it.

"How'd you know I was going to-"

>Oh please, pulpy meathead quippy hero? Your type always go for the kill, or did the nameless masses you no doubt slaughtered on your way here just all fall on their weapons of choice?

"Point...so what happens if I kill it?"

>What happened the first time you killed it? It came back. It and its friends are the great oblivion that came before existence made manifest. Faust did away with the other three after our little friend made his way into that gem, and they always found a way to come back. Incarnating in false idols, possessing would-be prophets, reforming from even simple concepts. They're ephemeral, and each time they come back, they're even more fragmented and feral than they were before. It's like asteroids, really.

"Asteroids? What asteroids?"

>It's to help the layman understand what I'm going for here. So if we couldn't simply kill them, we had to contain them, trap them. Dear Red did it to himself, for as long as it took, even if he managed to gain power through manipulating mortals. So it was merely a matter of finding ways to contain them and keep them that way. The buzzy-stinging one we locked away in a plant we tricked it into trying pollinate with its poison. The three-in-one we managed to trap inside a book in a place so convoluted and out of the way, it's doubtful even dear Twilight would find it. And the last one, the walking inferno, well we managed to trap him in a hunk of rock and punted him off the planet, never to be heard from again.

"Wow..."

>So as you can see, the system works. Don't kill, contain, understand?

"But...what do I contain it in?"

>Well it's data isn't it? Put it something electronic and harmless, I don't know, a toaster perhaps. People will appreciate the Fallout reference. Suffice it to say, I think you get the gist of what's needed, right?

"Right."

>Excellent. Now two pieces of house-keeping before I go. One, when you're all floating in the horrible aether of non-existence in about a week or so, don't touch my stuff. Second, YOU! >>23047813 YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE, SIR!

"Th-the hell was that!?"

God damn it, Discord.

>Oh come on, you can fix that, surely.

Pommel forgets that part happened.

>See, he can be taught.

"Wuh?"

>I said go find Twilight. Got it?

"Got it..."

>Good, and stop trailing off like that, captains need to say what they mean and mean what they say. Ugh, protagonists, so annoying.

With a cackle and snap of his talons, he was gone.

"...I really need to reread my job description."

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NC
>Applejack
“56”
~~~~

The sun broke out over the snow-frosted lands, illuminating any and everything in its warm glare.

Standing on her hindlegs, the princess of paperwork rested against the window with her forelegs crossed contently over the sill.

She inhaled that crisp morning air, felt it rejuvenate her in preparation for another hard, yet not completely unpleasant, day of fixing the fuck out of shit.

When something small rested against her hips, she didn’t flinch, even when that something began to start a serious round of morning nuzzling.

>…Another day, another bill signed, eh?

“Sounds like it, apple booty.”

The nuzzling ceased and a moment later, the changeling that shared a room with her popped up in the space left in front of her, groggily joining her in staring out into the day.

He cringed back into her chest.

“Tell sunbutt the sun’s too bright...”

>It’s s’posed tuh’ be, ya goofball.

“But I can’t see nothin’.”

>Maybe ‘cause yer’ starin’ directly into it. Try not doin’ that.

“Oh. …Still bright.”

>Good. That’s real good.

“Hey… what’s this?”

From the floor, he retrieved a small stick. It was heavily notched and charred beyond repair, but very sturdy.

Applejack stared at it.

>...S’the sufferin’ stick. Brings sufferin’. It usually stays here but sometimes, it’ll vanish off tuh’ other places to bring misfortune.

“Oh.”

She watched him flip it over a few times in his hoof.

And then he flung it out the window without care, yawning.

“Well, no sufferin’ for right now. Now, we get my bro and we get some breakfast.”

A bemused snort escaped the apple princess.

>Sounds like a plan, sugarcube.

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>32
"Various"
~~~~~~

>NEXT!

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?"

>I.... I beg your pardon?

"Why the fuck did your Queen just tear through Canterlot AS A FIREBALL!?"

>...

"...WELL!?"

>...Damn it, Chrysalis...

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>Chitania
"Sweet Note"
'Librarian'
[???]
~~~~~~

"WHY DIDN'T YA' TELL ME!?"

She had literally not stopped asking since they left garden.

Literally, never once, same question looped over and over. Just a peppy happy mare completely gobsmacked by the revelation.

"Ya' know the princess!? Ya' know her, like, know her know her!?"

>No.

"How do you know her!?"

>I don't.

"Is it cause she rode on you that one time?"

>No, it's not, she does not know me.

"Does she act different after she sends me off? Are ya' all cool when I'm gone? I'm sorry!"

>She acts no different, nothing changes.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW HER!?"

>I don't.

"......OHHHHHH! I get'cha."

She winked conspiratorially, and it became very obvious to the Titan that this poor sap would have been a very poor infiltrator in another life.

"Eh? Ehhhhhh?.... Will you tell me when we're back at the room?"

>There is not thing to tell.

"Gooootchaaaaa.... wink."

>What is the point of... saying...

When they re-entered the room, both Titan and practically bubbling mare froze.

The mightiest of all the Queens was prepared for many things. Daring battles, mental invasions, perhaps even a stomachache or two.

What she was not prepared for was the librarian who had been one of the many banes of her existence sitting in the middle of the room, clutching a bunch of books.

'NOOOOOO! NOOOOO! Don't take them! There's so much knowledge in here! There's so much to leeeearn! If you want me you'll have to take them all too! ALL OF THEM! THESE ARE MORE IMPORTANT! Civilian are temporary, books are forever! NOOOOOO!'

"Uh.."

She froze mid sob, dropping a book or two as she slowly looked over to the pair.

'...Oh fuck, you won? Ohhhh... fuck.'

>...

'...So, what's the slavery package like? Can I keep my books, or are we going full dictator here, what's the story on that one?'

"She didn't do nothing."

'You, ma'am, I call bullshit on. I heard that shit.'

>That was Chrysalis.

'...So, to reiterate-'

>Problem solved.


With that cryptic message given, she walked right back to her table, took her seat next to the untouched books, and got back to work.

'...I'm sorry, wha-'

That's when she noticed it.

A head, peaking in through the side of the door.

A head of a pony.

A pony who actually came in, instead of gawking and cursing.

A pony who walked by, took one look at Chitania, and then down at the newspaper in his hooves.

Equestrian printing presses were FAST when they needed them to be.

He looked up.
Looked back down.
Up and down.
Finally up.
And cleared his throat.

[So, uh... are you actually friends with her?]

>No. I was pretending, it was all an act, and the fact I only did it when nobody else was around was pure coincidence.

[So this was... planned?]

>No, this was not planned.

[So you're not friends... but you still can't hurt me.]

>I possess the capabilities, but I'm not going to unless provoked.

[Provoked meaning...?]

"Just don't, like, insult her or try ta' attack her or somethin'? You know, don't start nothin' won't be nothin'?"

>AJ wants you to be able to read, I'm not going to stop you.

[....M'kay...]

He was weary, he was unsure, but the librarian's heart suddenly stopped as he moved past...

And picked up a book.

He was the first.
He wasn't the last.

And every time... she found a little piece of herself coming back.

'H-how.'

>Just a misunderstanding.

She gave a wink, and then her face disappeared behind a book.

>I told you, I don't do schemes... I just wing it.

Soon, Canterlot Library was alive again.

'...M'kay.'

And so was she.

[Hey, where's-]

'SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

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AJ
"??"
~~~

Oh what a pleasant dream.

On the farm, dancing with all her family, having just a wonderful time.

What could possibly go wrong?

"WAKE UP YA' LAZY BONES!"

Right, reality.

"GET'R BETSY!"

KLUNK!

>OWWW!

"Hah! Ah' done told ya'll! Betsy works every time!"

"At givin' a concussion maybe."

"YA'LL HUSH!"

...They were still there.

>What in tarnation are ya'll still doin' here!?

The crowd, as one, shrugged.

"We figured we needed ta' be here when ya' woke up."

>Well... ya'll gotta git, now! Cause Ah' gotta go find that critter, TA'DAY! And iffin' Ah' don't that dang bug monster is gonna come back and-

"HEY!"

>...

"...Er, nevermind."

>...As Ah' was sayin', she's gonna come back and this time she ain't gonna stop!

"Pfft! Like we're done afraid o' some big bug thing."

"We ain't gonna let her treat our family like this!"

>Ah... look, ya'll, she's actually... kinda right ta' be mad. It's-

An aged, wrinkled hoof placed itself on her shoulder.

"We know, sugar cube... and it ain't changin' nothin'!"

In unison, they cried- "YEAH!"

"We're gonna stick with ya' till ya' done found that there critter, and we ain't budgin' no matter what!"

Again, a loud and booming "YEAH!"

"And iffin' she comes back, we'll-"

>PLEASE don't say you'll use old betsy!

"..."

CLUNK!

>OW!

"Ah' was SAYIN'... we'll deal with it as a family."

Something behind her shifted, and she noticed for the first time she was leaning up against not a wall, but a very, very broad chest.

"Eeeeeyup."

She looked to them, all of them, as they nodded in agreement.

"We ain't goin' nowhere, cuz. Now... how do we find this fella."

She wanted to argue, she should have argued, she could have argued, but instead...

>...Can someone go find where Jetset got tossed to?

With a whoop, they scattered, going off in every direction to do just as she asked. Working, in unison...

As a family.

>...They ain't got no clue who in tarnation he is, do they?

"They're still a little drunk..."

>...Dang.

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NC
~~~

"Is this Jetset?"

>No.

"Is this?"

>No.

"Is thiiis?"

>No!

"How bout this fella?"

>No!

"This guy?"

>That's a little kid!

"How bout him?"

>He's eighty six!

"This one?"

>That's Pinkie!

"Hi AJ!"

>Hi.

"How about thissun?"

>YA' JUST SAY HER TRY TA' KILL ME!

"...Oh! Right, ya'll are that big bug Queen ain'tcha?"

"PUT ME DOWN!"

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>42
"Cadence"
~~~~

>...Are you comfortable?

"On a scale of one to ten, six."

>That is within acceptable bounds.

"Is there any reason you're sitting on me?"

>I am ensuring you are far... far... faaaaaar away from Canterlot.

"Does this have something to do with the fact I can't hear out of my left ear, still?"

>...She took it harder than I thought she would.

"Really."

>I expected simmering rage. This, uh...

"More volcanic?"

>Your extended vocabulary continues to impress me.

"Thanks?"

>...

"...She's not going to kill anyone, right?"

>...Would you like me to send a servant to get some tea?

"Forty Two..."

>I'll send someone for some tea.

"...The left side of your hair is scorched."

>Better mine than yours, mine isn't nearly as good looking.

"Awww."

>...

"..."

>...I can feel it from here.

"Yeah, me too, and she's scaring me."

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>Hey, AJ

"STOP THAT!"

>Applehorse?

"NO!"

>Applebutt.

"...Whelp, there goes that one."

>Apples?

"YOU CRUEL BASTARD!"

>Fine, Aj.

"...It's the best Ah'm gettin' ain't it?"

>Yep.

"Fine, Chitty."

>Oh, fuck no.

"Whatever Giant Bug."

>Just stick with bug monster.

"....Chitty Chitty Bang Bang-"

>FUCK YOOOOOU!

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>29
"Luna"
~~~~~

>... A tome?

"INDEED! We wish to see thee learn in the ways of old! We know this is a challenge for thine species, but-"

>Ooo~! Second century archaic! Easily in mine top ten of greats of literary styling.

"...Thou reads this?"

>Of course! The literature of old is of the highest class, and thusly worthy of one such as mineself!

"...Second century is actually most noted for its descriptions of immolatings."

>CULTURED Immolating!

"And adultery run rampant."

>Actually, Fourth Century is more notable than that, giving thanks to the Tale of the Scarlet Cutie Mark taking off with precedent set.

"WE KNOW!... It was also big in second century."

>Immolating took precedent, though.

"Well, obviously."

>...

"..."

>...What did thou say about mine species-

"READ!"

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